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oh, and: welcome, seagull! good to hear from you here. great question; i hope to hear more from you :)

James, I would like to buy a summer home in your psyche.. I just adore the view!

I just get such a kick out of this dockside song. The rhythm feels to me like the waves that lick the wooden posts and circle around under and through me.

Thank you for sharing your dreams! You write them so eloquently and I feel as though I am you and I am me and I am also the other actors.

In the spirit, I would like to share with you a dream that I had a while ago. I recently found it written down. This is what I wrote (in my groggy state):

"The world seemed to be made of jungle-looking platforms connected by bridges (wood), separated by rivers. in the rivers were crocodiles and other things too, I'd bet. I was a male researcher, scientist, explorer; I think my name was Sir Huffington.

I had a pet dolphin, also a friend, associate, and confidante. There were some murder mysteries to solve and I had a assistant who was a released felon, I think. The time period was during the holocaust, but set in space? We were searching for the lost city of Atlantic, and apparently there was one on each planet.

My felon assistant gets eaten by crocodiles and then tries to make friends with me with small talk about the holocaust. I can tell he wants to redeem himself, but I mock him anyway.

Then I fall into the space ship I was leaning on and get launched on a direct course for Atlantis, dolphin flying beside me. We get to the water planet and dive down, my dolphin playing with the rest."

Obviously not as much gravitas as your convoluted threesome or cold-sweat. But it was a dream in which I was definitely a man, without losing my woman-ness. Thought this might add something to the conversation, as it reminds me that all of us contain both the male and the female, as Om was saying. Our animus and anima are constantly in flux.

Please say more about the unfortunate prism through which you view us femmes, and let me know if any real estate opens up in that fantastic head of yers.

I am curious to hear what people think of the differences defined here:!

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/14188/seeing-thi...

Jame's,  I can't help thinking that somewhere in the story of the two Sandra's is the  responsbility of the aunt who may have been setting you up - it was she who was in conflict with her neice.  You were the pawn.  

There is a place where I, as a women, and others, have to examine our own roles in the sexual games we play.

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So glad you have decided to Join us :))  Your question is such an important one.  This issue is so complex, vast, and ingrained that I struggle to even get a good look at it.  But I have been trying to make myself aware of my own participation in the patterns of objectification/sexualization that play out in our society.  To make myself conscious.  And it is not an easy thing to do because this is so ingrained in my ways of relating, the language i use.  However, I have made most progress understanding it not directly in my relationships with women, but through my friendships with other men.  To me, the sexualization of women in our society enforces a deep-rooted male anxiety about ostensible female power, one which seems mysterious and potentially annihilating.  By objectifying women, by denying them subjectivity, we mitigate that anxiety.
 
I think a major part of many male friendships is talking about women.  Speaking for myself, I can say that I have always needed a male friend or mentor with whom I could process my experiences with women.  And in a lot (though not all) of these friendships, I have found that the other man is just as anxious about women as I am, even if he isn't aware of it, even if he doesnt feel it.  Our language itself, by what it conceals (female subjectivity) makes that anxiety clear.  The tricky thing is how we (men) talk about these experiences with eachother.  Anxious about the ostensible "power" of the woman, i think we often (unconsciously) wind up subtly using the language of sexualization, of categorization, and oppression in order to make our selves feel better.  I have always had pretty sophisticated socially conscious friends--this is not the overt crude language of sexism.  It is something much more subtle and insidious.  But becoming conscious of it is key; once you do, you find that it is the subtext to so many of the ways that men relate.  When I am with women (in a less healthy way), i am either very aware of the way in which society is oppressive to them, or i am very involved with my own anxiety.  It was in the relative 'safe space' of male friendships that i first really became aware of my own participation in an oppressive culture and the ways in which that participation causes me suffering.   I can say with certainty that it is oppressive to both women and men.  it is easier as a man, in some ways, to see the way in which over-sexualization psychologically oppresses women.  Living as a man in a culture that still enforces patriarchy--in its language, representations, modes of expression, etc--it takes a lot more questioning to unearth your own opression, they way the language you use and the way you have learned to relate perpetuates that which you believe you stand against.  The way it conditions and enforces your own fear.  That fear is masked by so many patterns of speech, so many posters and billboards, so much pornography and MTV--but it is the fear that is driving the whole oppressive enterprise.  (At least, thats my opinion)
 
I think we need to figure out why we are so afraid of female subjectivity in general.

Everytime I see your name here, I just smile.  You give me the beach, the waves, the movement in the air and I am so so joyful.

and thanks for the beautiful photograph.

in one of my favorite old posts, part of the cleansing salty rush of Noah's voyeuristic poem, is nor a clock nor a system; i haven't read it in a while. i made a distinction between maleness and masculine, between femaleness and feminine. the distinction i was drawing was that (other than the fact that 'femaleness' is a beautiful-sounding word to me, 'feminine' not so much ;), feminine, masculine, these seem to refer specifically to woman and man. aha! i was rebelling against this tendency. in this new post, however, i use the terms feminine and masculine! the new uncovery :) is that beneath these terms masculine and feminine, are my notions of maleness and femaleness! it is not the word that necessarily refers to man, or to woman... it's the unconscious tendency! or something like that...

anyway-- the point is-- if you've the time, i definitely recommend returning to that poem of Noah's; perhaps reading 'nor a clock nor a system' and some of the other absolutely izzyriffic posts back on that thread.

 As a woman exploring her subjectivity and experience in her body/mind (really, in her mind, through her body, and guided by body's pure honesty), I find that the terms Madonna/Whore are completely irrelevant to my experience, though they may stand as roles a woman might be allowed to fit into in a society, and as such, they become very relevant to my experience as I seek intimacy and connection with others influenced by these limiting ideas of a woman's "place".  The dual Madonna/Whore, or Mother/Whore, are co-extant and are spun out of male consciousness (and internalized into a woman's consciousness who wants to be desired by her Father who holds both of these dichotomies as well, and who imitates her mother who also holds these dichotomies, since she too is Daughter of her Father).  These are identities whose functions are relative to a man's and a culture's (supposed) need: Madonna - need for nurturance, compassion, unconditional love, protection, mother, forgiveness; Whore - need for freedom to play out fantasies of domination and subjugation, need to control and objectify in order to control, to experiment, to secure, to erase and start over, and the need to be inspired erotically as eros corresponds to deeper desires for self-realization.  The two roles, therefore, are seen as separate (necessarily) and must be kept that way to allow for two kinds of separate male spheres between which he can move at will and relative to which his identify and actions and significance can be established.  I think man goes between the two spheres.  (Exactly why they need be separate is, I think, related to accepting a paradigm of rewards and punishments, and I'm not entirely clear why this is the case but I sense it is.)  As we dismantle these spheres, man's identity in relation to them is also dismantled. As man rejects the limiting notions of his own identity as an isolated self acting upon a world of objects (and objective truths), as he becomes more attuned to the quantum nature of mind-body, of his interconnectedness with all life, he will naturally let go of the terms he once needed to project upon the feminine sphere/nature/world.  They will no longer be relevant to his experience, though the same desires for nurturance, unconditional love, and freedom to explore fantasy are still present.  They become more recognized as aspects of his own consciousness, and he can share them with his partners, male and female.

Jessica Alba is hot.  So is Brad Pitt.  So are the gorgeous statues of David in Florence, so is Christ in some of the renaissance paintings I've seen.  The aesthetic is a world which corresponds, for me, to the realm of ideas and so is also related to music and poetry.  The image is abstracted from its material carrier and in your mind and mine becomes an interior image, one that inspires desire and fantasy and a feeling of some particular kind relative to you, personal for you.  It has a way of pointing beyond itself, back into you and towards some deep memory.  The aesthetic, in many ways, is about proportion, yes, but also and especially (again, for me) about what is evoked.  I used to be absolutely in love with Antonio Banderas, not because I wanted to have sex with him, but because I felt, especially when he was a vampire, that he represented the male version of me somehow.   Who knows what that was about!  Sometimes it's like interpreting a dream!  I think of Om's post about the Naked Maja which speaks to me of something I call "the male sublime".  Typically male because it speaks to a fantasy or contemplation that is evoked through a visual experience of a woman's naked body.  I don't pretend to know everything about this "male sublime" but I imagine it as a shared experience among men (though perhaps not verbally shared so often) which I also suspect has some profound raison d'etre and does not have to be a harmful or anti-feminist contemplative space.  Maybe precisely when it is taken into the query: what is this about for me?  then we are getting somewhere.  

Again, this is my opinion, but one of the things I think needs to happen is for women to find themselves comfortable with sitting in the space of desiring subject, and so also reflecting subject and self-creating subject.  I also sense that we have to own how much we are already creating our worlds, and how much or how little we are willing to listen to and take seriously our needs.  Needs are formative, can form relationships and everything around me.  They are deeply connected to life and the life force.  How do I know what my needs are?  This is why we need to listen and find ways to draw that inner voice out, so that I don't just assume that my needs are what my society tells me they are (e.g. having kids, getting married, being desired, or having a career, etc).  I don't think we're going to ever be totally psyched about Jessica Alba's hotness the way a guy might be, but that's because what stirs us towards our divine contemplations is not so often visually stimulated.  

Did i just make any sense or am I just moving gas clouds around?  I'll tell you, James, since I know you're studying up-to-date articles on this stuff right now and have some groovy new language, that I am looking forward to hearing more about how the terms are framed or presented for you in your class, and to learning some of these new words and opening new areas of consideration.

ps.  "Obsession" with sex is more accurate to our culture, true.  However, "fascination" brings us into the dimension of potential reflection.  Maybe it was my wishful thinking... not intending to overlook our obsession!  

 I know that men – at least most men that I have met and known, love breasts.  My lover loves breasts.  That fact alone gave me power to either share or hide them.  Over the years this has changed.  My body, breasts especially, are no longer infused as a power tool or as a way to make a judgment about his libido. ( But watch out - any man who messes with a nursing mom - all bets are off!)

There is someone in my life who is exploring her sexuality.  We are close friends and like to cuddle,   She loves lying on my breasts although wishes they were larger!   I have put my head against hers and thought, “Gosh, this is nice,  Now I understand what men love so much.”   This may seem like a small thing, but it’s huge!

thank you, Caterina!

it makes me smile to think that you actually connected with my ramblings :)

I have been enthralled by your stories and musings as of late and I feel like you really have a connection with your Self too! we all have these demons that are uncomfortable to bring to the surface, of course, but I believe you will have no trouble reigning in whatever cellulite goblin or love-handle gnome might be bugging you. (not that I think you are endowed with either!)

This is when I wish that my schedule weren't picking up speed.. I barely have enough time to read and (attempt to) digest all that you wonderful people have been theorizing and arguing. Alas, I can only afford to offer up a glib comment here and there. Such is life.

Caterina I am pulling you a tarot card...

Fire Father: The Spirit of Flame

"You are experiencing the sense of conviction; there is much movement, energy is surging; you feel the power of leadership; you are rapidly moving toward a new way of knowing; a new viewpoint or perspective on matters; regulate your activity; be careful not to burn yourself out in this high energy period."

whether or not it fits, it felt like the right thing to do!

 Emily, thanks for responding and correcting my assumptions about what this experience was like for you.  I guess I was thinking that if the memory of the trial came up connected to my story (and what you said you were feeling and envisioning there - the destructive element) and connected to your conflict of wanting to judge and not wanting to judge, I estimated that the connection was along those lines: of having wanted to process emotions of anger at an injustice but being in conflict about these feelings.  If this had been the case, I would have totally understood.  And since this is not the case, I still understand!  The need to grieve overrode the anger.  

On another note, are you still feeling mixed feelings about my post?

I am!  Well, sort of, not about the post, nor really about that night or the following night, but about the feelings that are left in me for both of them, and some sense that I want to get on firmer ground with regards to these relationships, but cannot.  I am getting ready to leave to come back home (yaaay!!) and feel like there are all these elements left in the air.  I feel a little sad and perplexed as to how I've grown so attached to these guys over the past few weeks.  I know it's all in my head and will clear out with space and time (probably by the time I'm on the plane).

I've talked to my neighbors since and have had good, connected, and peaceful encounters with them.  One of them (not the Crush, but who I absolutely adore) and I talked a long while the other night.  He came right out and said that when I insisted on telling them both about my feelings for one of them his opinion of me changed.  He said that he thought I should have "kept it together" more.  It was so cool that he was telling me his feelings about this (also, because I had sensed that he had moved away from me).  Well, they weren't really his "feelings" but his thoughts (judgment!).  I didn't take this personally (which was great) and told him that I too felt that I had "dumped" on them, and especially on Crush.  I explained again however why I felt it was important to share with them both my thoughts and feelings that night, (since our friendship had started as three and was going to transform).  He reflected back to me that he understood and could see where I was coming from.  It was a great conversation, really.  

It also turned out that he was confused as to why I would fall for his friend. (!)

He cares about him a lot, but sees him as a sort of satellite that does not ever come down to earth, who cannot have real relationships.  I told him I thought that was accurate, though it didn't mean he was not capable of them: "OK, so what do we do if a man has difficulty connecting?  Do we write him off?"  It was very tempting to open up again completely to this guy (who is very "connected," inquisitive, and interested in talking about my feelings for his friend but I resisted the temptation, because my feelings for Crush have become very private).  I tried to stay focused on what this present person was communicating to me about his own perspective and how it reflected more about him.

These feelings are strange for me, Emily and Blog friends.  

I don't know why they developed around this particular person (except for the obvious reasons related to the identification I had talked about).  Something about the age difference makes them almost safe (there's the unavailable guy motif).  But in all, I don't know where to place them; not with him directly, not in time in form of friendship (how?), perhaps somehow connected to the work I was doing here... I used to feel so grateful after a long day of shooting and interviewing these victims of nazi persecutions to come home and have the lightness of their presence.  Almost like an escape, but also a return to a part of me that had been shared before I embarked on this intense week.

 I am so grateful to have this space to process with all of you.  I guess I'm still needing it.  What's so great about the blog is that one can write a ton and others can chose not to read any of it!  :)

I salute your cousin, too.

James.. I simultaneously envy and do not envy your situation. The former because it has been a while since I've felt anything that passionately for another person. and the latter because, well, I've got a bunch of excuses I could list here.

so having said that.. your card tonight is.......

Key XI: Karma

"Do not deny the consequences of your actions; own the results of your thoughts, words and deeds, for even thought constitutes action in the energy cycles of the universe; adjust your actions and embrace love; remember these words: 'Be not deceived, God is not mocked, for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.'"

well, a tad foreboding but I hope it helps. let me know if you want more clarification!

 I'm getting the dual here, my beloved James.

The young Sandra is the one who needs your protection, the older the one pulling you into your manhood.  The younger is the one with whom you have the most familiarity, a more familiar role, and so can provide you more comfort through comforting her; the older is scarier and exciting.  Both are reflections of you.

Oh the pulsation of relationship, how once I am there for you and then I need you to be there for me and the different ways we feel and the old familiar places we go when shifting between roles that always shift us just outside the present and so we lose ourselves for those moments, and the relationship.

 Karma to me speaks of the promise of the conversation, that our words and actions and thoughts are tethered to our deeper desire for wholeness, they spring from and are wrought out of mind and can be replenished and dissolved through Presence, not from or through Time in some linear fashion. Yes, we effect others and our world as we are interconnected, but your story is your story and you can, going inside, find the light of James who knows how to bring healing through relationship.

 I knew it!  Two sentences in... Plotinus.  You stinker!

( watch mindwalk here, a wonderful two hours )

             JACK

All this is covered in water when the tide comes in, isn’t it? Including the pastures. It must take a special breed of sheep to be able to graze around here at all with all this salt.

THOMAS has stopped walking away. He turns around and listens.

             JACK (cont'd)

And how could the grass grow without the manure and the sheep grazing on it? I wouldn’t be surprised if the people around here have a taste for salty lamb. So the people are in this, too. The sea, the grass, the people, the sheep...

             THOMAS

“You ask me what the lobster is weaving down there with his golden feet. I tell you, the ocean knows this. You say, who is the acidia waiting for in its transparent bell? I tell you, it is waiting for time, like you. You say, who does the Macrocystis algae hug in his arms? Study it, study it at a certain hour, in a certain sea I know. You question me about the wicked tusk of the narwhale and I respond by describing to you how the sea unicorn with a harpoon in it dies. You inquire about the kingfisher’s feathers, which tremble in the pure springs of the southern shores? ...

He hesitates, relishing the others’ clear attention, their comprehension of the link to what they’ve been saying.

             THOMAS (cont'd)

I want to tell you that the ocean knows this, that life in its jewel boxes is endless as the sand, impossible to count, pure; and that time among the blood-colored grapes has made the petal hard and shiny, filled the jellyfish with light, untied its knot, letting its musical threads fall from a horn of plenty made of infinite mother-of-pearl. I am nothing but the empty net which has gone on ahead of human eyes, dead in the darknesses, of fingers accustomed to the triangle, longitudes on the timid globe of an orange. I walked around like you, investigating the endless star, and in my net during the night I woke up naked, the only thing caught, a fish, trapped inside the wind."

JACK and SONIA are both transfixed, and delighted, and mystified.

             THOMAS (cont'd)

Pablo Neruda. Pablo Neruda! That remind you of anything? “I walked around investigating the endless star,” isn’t that what you do, Sonia? ... "And in my net during the night I awoke naked,” isn’t that what you do? Don’t you take your net and throw it out into... into these far-out places of quantum physics and systems theory... and don’t you find that the only thing you ever catch is your own self back again? ... like a fish trapped inside the wind? ... Where are the other people in your system, Sonia? The ones you love?

SONIA’S face clouds, she looks distressed.

             THOMAS (cont'd)

And what about these tourists here that we feel so superior to? Aren’t they too like fish trapped inside the wind? And, I don’t know, maybe even the feeling is more terrible for them because, you know, they don’t have words to describe it. So tell me, Sonia, where are all of us in there? The real people with their qualities, their longings, their weaknesses? Where are you inside there, Sonia? Where’s Kit? ... You know, scientists can tell us what life’s internal metaphors are, whether they’re computer chips or clocks, and politicians can tell us what forms our lives should take, but... I feel just as reduced being called a system as I do being called a clock. Life is just... not condensable. One group of people uses one set of words to change the world, and another set of people come along with a different set of words to change it, and... I don’t mind, you know. It’s all the same to me. I don’t mind a bit. It’s like the seasons changing. And I like you, I like your timorous courage, I like the fact that you want to make the world a better place. God knows it could use it. And I like my silly friend Jack who’s crazy enough to think that he wants to be President of the United States. And as for me... don’t mind me, I’m a... fool.

The tide is coming in now, but the three don’t seem to notice that around them the tidepools are rising and the sandbanks are disappearing.

             THOMAS (cont'd)

But remember: life feels itself... life feels itself... differently perhaps than all your words for how to manage it. Even with the best intentions in the world you’ll go wrong if you forget that life... life, life, life... life is infinitely more than yours or my obtuse theories about it. Healing the Universe is an inside job. And you've helped me. And I love you. And I love you, too, I love you both.

THOMAS looks down. He is standing in water. There is water behind him, too. He breaks out in a broad grin.

             THOMAS (cont'd)

Water! (laughs) What a day! What a day!

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