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I am drawn to the dark place of you.
I want your mouth, fruit ripe and clinging
to the vine. You taste of cherries.
I want of you what is old and wine heavy
effervescing with play.
In your presence I feel vast
and to myself still unknown
though I only need to understand
what is here before me, how your eyes
are whipped to such airy happiness
from such heavy cream.
I reach into space deeply
following my fingers
and with my tongue am drawn again and again
to the old place inside of you.
I want to live inside your laugh. I know
what a long time we must walk alone
your head resting in my lap
your hair smelling of a summer storm. We sit
unstill and happy as the rain
licking the windows with 10,000 tongues
as winter outgrows death again.
sexy silly sweet
(and serious) Noah, you've gotten me again. maybe it's just the way you reminded me of my love björk, the way the more she plays, the more intense my experience of her becomes. i might be crazy, but for me the sillier she gets the sexier she gets (especially in that video!), and this poem is like that. this poem plays with play, as the I and You of the poem play with each other, and as the speaker plays with and for the reader. effervescing with play, you say. and then:
this seems to me to be pretty serious stuff. it's so beautiful! in your presence i feel vast. it's a kind of spreading out, but it's a specific kind of movement, because i feel vast and to myself still unknown. as so often in your poetry, i adore the syntax here. in ancient greek syntax was pretty up-in-the-air sometimes, and you would just put parts of the sentence here or there depending upon significance. so if there were two adjectives describing someone and they were more significant than anything else in the sentence, one would begin the sentence, the other would end it. you do this as much as the english language will let you stretch it out. i mention this because you are putting some extra weight, it seems to me, on both aspects of the sentence. "and to myself still unknown." we'd expect, "and still unknown to myself," but you are demanding closer attention than that familiar wording would allow. you say you feel vast, so if you then say "and still unkown" then suddenly your vastness dissipates in a way-- the image, for me at least, is broken, because it is unknown, out-of-reach. however, you are more careful than that. in your presence i feel vast / and to myself... suddenly you are holding your own vastness, and i can feel it, i can see it. thus when those next two words appear-- still unknown-- it is not a loss, or a dissipation or any sort. it is a paradoxical place to be, holding your unknown vastness... but you then go on to explain why you are capable of holding it in its unknownness-- you don't need to know yourself other than this feeling:
and this is where the poem proves itself effervescing with play. it seems to me you have shrunk and enlarged "what is here before me" simultaneously. you've shrunk it down because you are so vast and you only need to understand what is here before you. you don't need the whole thing, just this tiny little piece. and yet-- your only need is to understand what is here before you. that is huge! all of your other needs are being met, and now you just need to understand this moment right here before me. this feeling of mine, and of yours. this us-ness. ahh, but look, i am getting so serious. what is it here before me:
aha!!! Noah, i have so much fun reading this line. i read it differently every time i read it, and i savor it like a real good cherry. sometimes i give a good loud 'h' sound in whipped. sometimes i stress the two suches as though they are each of the utmost importance. sometimes i read the first two lines very slowly, and then pause, hanging on the unfinished ring in my voice until finally just shouting out like a small celebration, from such heavy cream!!!
this line is just so god damn funny. and when i read this line, i don't think to myself, "yes-- how-- i need to understand what is here before me..." because just the saying of it, the experience of saying it, and seeing it, and even tasting it (oops-- i'm not supposed to consume dairy ;) makes it all quite clear. here i am! ahh, play.
partly because this line is so funny, it is, to me, the sexiest line in the poem. i won't go into all that might be occurring in this line-- that's not my concern. it's just so silly and playful and sweet; and intimate! i think partly what makes it all of these things is the fact that it occurs smack dab in the middle of this poem. i'll point in a moment to the movement (the movement in-to) that i see all over this poem-- this movement surrounds this moment. we begin the poem: I am drawn to the dark place of you. and just a moment later: You taste like cherries. we have begun in a deeply intimate place. "I am drawn... I want... You taste..." without that "You taste" these first two lines could potentially be fantasy, but once i read "You taste" the first two lines come to full life for me, because they become moments and feelings and desires in relationship. and so here we are, in the midst of a relationship in which You taste like cherries, searching for understanding of what is before me in order to meet my need, and what we see is
maybe it's just that you choose sexy food items! wine, cherries, heavy cream-- whoa! it is interesting that the fruit and wine and cream are all in the first half of the poem, and in the second half no food-- but tongues and licking. la langue du jeu, indeed. in french langue means both language and tongue. in english the word 'tongue' refers to language, but only in specific contexts, and when it appears on its own it doesn't really conjure up thoughts about language, but only the organ in our mouths. in french, 'langue' refers very clearly to both language and tongue-- if i remember correctly, it sort of defaults to language, but much more clearly brings up images of the organ in our mouths. and du jeu, well, of course, the tongue/language of play. but we'll get back to the licking.
first to the movement. as i said, you begin this poem:
There is movement in these lines, movement in-to. I am drawn to the dark place of you. i can think of just a few dark places you may be drawing towards, one perhaps metaphorical. ah, I want your mouth. that is an inviting dark place indeed.
again you show us how to focus on these words through syntax. yes, i want what is old and wine heavy / effervescing with play. but that is less important than that i want it of you. and so we move in-to again, into what is old and wine heavy of you, what of you is effervescing with play. i love the way this bubbling then opens up into the vastness. In your presence I feel vast, and so with the moving in-to there is this spreading out, as i called it. but then we just hold onto that vastness and come back to what is here before me, and move once more in-to:
I reach into... following my fingers... and with my tongue... inside of you. once again we are moving through various dark places of you-- and there's no need to choose just one. see-- this poem is playing with play itself. where do i follow my fingers? into space. where do i reach into? the old place inside of you. then there's this long line sticking out in the middle: and with my tongue am drawn again and again. in a poem lacking in play i would read this line almost as a burden. again... and... again... as though i am losing control and mechanically being drawn to you. but this poem is play, and the 'again and again' is also play, the way you kiss your lover, and then stop, and move away to look at the beautiful face you are loving, and then, with your tongue, are drawn again to those lips... and with your tongue drawn; and the two of you drawn in your delicious battle of tongues...
and what is so playful about this poem is that it is utterly serious. perhaps i am just projecting my own take on things onto this poem (or, perhaps, in-to this poem), but this here seems to me a poem truly serious about play. because if it was mere play it would be denying and dismissing (and missing!) the significance and seriousness and intimiteness of this experience. and if it was mere seriousness it would be disavowing its own play, and the intimacy would be lost, too. but here there is always play in the seriousness, and always seriousness in the play. i have focused on the playfulness of these lines:
but, i've got to admit, they're pretty serious, too. maybe even leaning more to the serious side than the play side. but either way, it's no matter, because this poem loves to delve deeply into the space of seriousness and then bubble back up to heavenly play.
the poem doesn't offer the laugh to me-- what kind of a laugh it is, whether it is a loud, full laugh, or a quiet giggle. whether you think the laugh, or only realize you laughed it once it ends. but i know the I of the poem hears the laugh, and i know the You understands just what laugh I want to live inside. what better way to show the seriousness of play than by saying: I want to live inside your laugh.
the poem begins winding towards its own death. i stroll through a flush of images, sensations, scents... I know / what a long time we must walk alone / your head resting in my lap / your hair smelling of a summer storm. of course, i am getting close to the licking i mentioned earlier, but first we have had another dash of movement-- movement through time and space. the way you phrase this "i know what a long time we must walk alone," it really jolts me, because just a few lines later i realize that we have already walked... now "we sit." but the way you phrase it leads me through the next few lines in a strange way. because "i know what a long time we must walk alone / your head resting in my lap" -- see what i mean by "a flush of images, sensations, scents..."? thus our walking is perhaps more than just a physical walking. yet there is a different kind of flush, as well. your hair smelling of a summer storm. we have just come inside-- i can see myself, from years ago, running home in the rain with a love of mine, getting inside and stealing away to a quiet room and a comfy couch, watching each other watch each other with our faces flushed-- i sang for her that night, and though she'd never say it, i could see her love beaming, the kind of love she swore she didn't feel...
but these two lovers, in our poem, they play. and they sit
i love the way you move so much in this poem, that after all that fruit and heavy cream, the word "licking" still seems tame. i love it. love love it. because when i look back on the poem, as i did earlier -- just saying that in the second half there is no food, but tongues and licking -- i can revel in the sorts of licking going on. but when i finally get to the licking, it is almost exclusively showing the movement and sound of the rain's 10,000 tongues. i've never heard the rain so clearly in words, actually. and i can see the rain, and see you two watching the rain, and hearing it licking. and perhaps the best part is that we sit, yes, but we sit "unstill and happy as the rain." unstill. and so perhaps the licking of the 10,000 tongues refers to you, too, in your unstill happy playful loving. i love this poem, Noah, and i love playing with it. there is much else to look in-to, much i am drawn to again and again. i will leave this final line to its own devices, at least for now, and perhaps someone else will tackle its mysteries.
James, you've out down
James, you've out done yourself with this one, really. As I've said before, you make poems out of poems and you've really got me this time, your kill me with your precision and play--you play with play itself, the way you move inside the poem and respeak it in your own language. I feel so recognized, your looking helps me to see deeper into myself and then into you. I think, yes he gets it, he gets me, but in a way I didnt totally get myself. Your a beautiful mirror my friend. Devastating. Thank you thank you thank you.
DRAWN TO THE DARK PLACE OF LIGHT
Since James in his poetic prowess so preciously and penetratingly entered into both the vast penetralia and playfulness of this poem, I thought I’d focus on those particularly mysterious parts indrawing me. I realize once again Noah that you, through your angelic voice, bring out the angels within awaiting our callings.
I am drawn to the dark place of you.
I want of you what is old and wine heavy
I reach into space deeply
following my fingers
and with my tongue am drawn again and again
to the old place inside of you.
I want to live inside your laugh.
Archetypal might be an appropriate word. An archetype, the way I’m using it here, suggests a collective symbolic patterning that speaks to something originary and which provides meaning to human consciousness. The archetype of Noah’s poem is that paradoxical familiar yet unknown space which is inward, interior, beneath, inside, deep. We know it’s a journey because the poem’s `I’ is seething with desire as can be seen in the various verb forms in just these few lines: “drawn to,” “want,” “reach into,” “following,” “drawn again and again.”
But, what kind of journey? It certainly appears as if this is, once again, a love connection; and it is. But, the poet/pilgrim will never be satisfied with a mere physical penetration. In fact, he is clear that his lover is a tantric mirror for something deeper and higher in his consciousness. He will use his senses, for sure, but he desires something “old[er]” and “wine heavy” that include but is also beyond the fleshy substances of edenic fruit: it is “the dark place of you.”
On this journey of love, the chaotic, messy appearance of love seeks order. Though I do not doubt that the fingers and tongue are actual appendages, the poetic is not confined by embodiment alone. These are also no doubt metaphorical fingers and tongue (James exquisitely points to the double meaning of “langue”) which represent the imaginative act in its unfoldment and wonder. And what they seek is also the very mode from which they seek: understanding (feeling). Body feels, mind understands. These are two aspects of feelings, one lower, the other higher, respectively. And it is the attending itself that is the path, connecting (metaphora) with the source of Spirit (Being).
Attention is the point of the poem as it attends to the path and is attending in its presence. It is only through attention that it is able to “follow” and “reach” through the recesses of darkness towards the light of love and renewal, as the snow of winter transforms into rain; and “as the rain/ licking the windows with 10,000 tongues/as winter outgrows death again.” There is something reminiscent here of T.S. Eliot and the Christian doctrine of resurrection.
Attention gives more, expands more, notices more, discovers more as seeking is what life asks of us. It is the attending to, as we sit, that overcomes the darkest moments of death, loss and ignorance and which, ultimately allows us to “live inside (y)our laugh.” As John Tarrant says, "spirit is the center of life, the light out of which we are born with eyes still reflecting the vastness, and the light toward which our eyes turn when our breath goes out and does not come in again…. When we turn towards spirit, it compels us towards its mode." Is that not delicious?
The poem also implicitly acknowledges each lover’s own separate nature, yet also realizes the necessity of the separateness as part of the learning process the path of the poem constructs to embark on its journey. It is the presence/absence of emptiness: form is emptiness, emptiness is form. As life becomes transparent in the emptiness, the wisdom of emptiness is the compassion of form. I experience tremendous compassion in this poem.
In your presence I feel vast
and to myself still unknown
though I only need to understand
what is here before me
I could feel my teacher in these lines. The humility so necessary for compassion to reach its center of generosity. Wherever the word “understand” is laid, the path of wisdom and compassion are being carved. The word itself is sweetened with nectar.
Yes, eruption is waiting in this poem as the fingers and tongue slip ever so tenderly and deeply “into that old place inside of you.” Not “inside you,” “inside of you.” An adposition between that which touches and is touched by the world. That part of me falling headlong into you; that part of me weak because I love and strong in my capacity and desire to love. That part of me that falls into the impossible beauty of you.
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Lucky Girl!
Noah this is wonderful.
the language that you use, la langue, is so intimate and so inviting that I feel I am this person you speak of, and also I am you. I am both he who is vast and she who is sweet, or vice versa. What an honor! to be allowed a peek into this great and sensual world. how smooth the words feel, and how close the rain seems to my cheek.
this is truly a gem.
and James your explication is divine! The way you play with the play of the play of the play is incredible. I agree with it all! the movement, the silly, the sexy, the serious. What a feast, your interpretations. thank you for sending wind through the shimmering veils of this poem.
you both are so full of movement I wish I could keep up!
and as for the last line --
as winter outgrows death again.
--I am grateful for it. At first I was startled at the notion of death ending this beautiful scene, but then I came to see the growth. the rebirth. spring coming and newness. it is a time to start something beautiful and no longer think of the snow and the sniffles, dark days and harsh winds.
c'est magnifique, mes amis.
and just so you all know, le printemps (spring) is one of my favorite words in french.
..Ceili (spending far too much time indoors today)
le printemps
one of the prettiest of words.
also, i say "c'est magnifique" so frequently when walking down the street reveling in some juicy discovery. ahh francais, la langue du jeu.
Noah, Noah
When I read your poem every springtime of love flowers again in me.
I can not add anymore. So once again, I bow to you in thanks for the gifts that rain down.
gesture towards responding
I'm dying. You killed me. This poem kills me.
Would I will the time to have to respond in ways more eloquent.
Will read again and again, in days on other side of this mountain of work representing no time for sitting still with your poem, and with James' beautiful songs.
I want to respond!
shhhhh... there is time, there is time, there is time
there is time, there is time, there is time
and lots of it. i'll be patient for your love, Caterina, and i'm sure Noah will, too :D
time indeed cat
or non-time, or something, a vortex of love. It will be the dying of me. Mwah.
"and when you can't, don't"
so friends, i'm in a funk. and don't tell me to just play my music, cuz as you all know it ain't that funky music. it's a relatively new kinda funk for me, though, because unlike my old funks, it's not an engulfing depressive isolation. i've been actually feeling pretty good lately. for example-- i just wrote that song "fourteen" the other day, and even more recently i delved down into Noah's terrific poem and felt it very clearly. but i've been in the funk for some time. a few weeks ago i called it a fog, but somehow 'funk' has taken over.
but i had a little bit of a cry earlier, i am very relieved to say. it wasn't quite all of it, by any means, but it's a start. lately i've been almost feeling sad. it's kind of unfamiliar for me. for many years i just wouldn't "feel it", then for some time i thought i had sadness down pat... but i've come to the point when i realize that sadness is still tough for me (and that realization is tough for me-- i think i'm resisting it, actually). but you know when you get it right in the gut, and it is just unavoidable: you are hurting. i've been getting something like a precursor to that, i get this premonition, or perhaps this intuition, that i'm very sad about something but just not quite feeling it. it's great because it's not intellectual like it used to be, but it's not quite the feeling, either. it's some bizarro middle ground. i'm not a big fan of it.
but tonight i was speaking with a friend and came across a very unhappy feeling. he gave me a few very nice compliments and told me that there are many women who want what i can offer. (by the way-- it's always about women, in case you haven't noticed ;). i told him my response to this was cynical, but didn't tell him the response. (and he didn't ask--- wouldn't that have made you curious??) i thought: they all want it, until they get a glimpse of what it means to get it-- then they run. a bit cynical, i know. but, as is my refrain these days, this wasn't quite good enough for me, and i just sat with it a minute. i didn't do any thinking or investigating, i just kind of sat there. and then i blurted out: "it's just that i've been let down so many times." and then, after a good, though short, cry, i followed this with: "and i hardly have had a taste what it's like not to be. that might be the biggest let down of them all."
i know this sort of thing isn't the easiest thing to respond to, but that's okay. i'm not looking for advice so much as for company. the reason i sparked the conversation with my friend is the same reason i'm sharing this with all of you. no need to go it alone. need, though, at least for some company. that alone can be therapeutic, as Om has shown us time and again, and i know you guys are all pretty darn good at relating, even over cyber-space. so-- thanks for being here for me to share with you.
one of the tip-offs that i've been in a funk is that the fantasies have returned. i've been describing them as "nondescript," though. i've offered some of my more exciting fantasies here on the blog, but these are pretty boring. my philosophy professor has been talking obsessively about House lately (the doctor show), and i used to watch it all the time, so i've been streaming episodes on the computer. damn that internet! anyway, so one of the characters has been popping up in my head lately. i just need some lovin', really.
James letting go
What a delicious post, James. I feel I can really feel you here, in these words, in your expression of your feelings, and your reflection on them.
Your sadness feels like you are beginning to let go of something, and the resistance could be not wanting to let go, but the resistance is sweet too, because it feels like you cannot stop now whatever you have started accepting and opening to inside you; what is letting go is already "let go" and so the feelings are going to keep coming without the need for too much effort on your part, only staying present to them, going with them as they will take you, or as you take them into your holding.
It feels like you are using your powerful intellect less to keep yourself at bay from these feelings and more as a means to accompany you to slide deeper in.
I hope I am not speaking out of line when I say this. Projection is part of the means of reaching out to recognize you as I feel you, to speak of something that I recognize because I have felt this way too, as you describe these feelings so beautifully:
"lately i've been almost feeling sad. it's kind of unfamiliar for me. for many years i just wouldn't "feel it",...i think i'm resisting it, actually.... but you know when you get it right in the gut, and it is just unavoidable: you are hurting. i've been getting something like a precursor to that, i get this premonition, or perhaps this intuition, that i'm very sad about something but just not quite feeling it. it's great because it's not intellectual like it used to be, but it's not quite the feeling, either. it's some bizarro middle ground. i'm not a big fan of it."
It feels like you are sitting on grief, a great deal of it, the kind that is the precursor to freedom... under it is more you, the you you've been opening to and accepting and loving... you are so in your gaze now, in your feeling, even as you say you are not feeling it, I feel you feeling you... what you are ready to let go of, and in your gaze you rise up to meet you.
It is interesting to me that you mention "women" here because it feels like you are speaking about the sought after "recognition" that you have mentioned much in these past few weeks... Is it a recognition that is coming now finally through new relationships, through you? And not necessarily through the romantic relationships (which held the desire to be recognized but also a ton of disappointment, and in this disappointment a sign of the type of relationships that you/I/we created out of familiarity, that familiar inability to recognize us... and we would seek recognition from those incapable of really recognizing us or seeing us or loving us because they could not, nor could we fully, at that time).
Your recent song about Angelina, the tenderness of it, feels like you've reached in to accept and love that younger you, as you said recently, age 13. You recognized you in that song.
What is it that we let go of when we feel this sadness, a sign that the process of letting go has already begun? I think it is the attachment to a kind of relationship that is very familiar in which you can see how intimately it failed you and simultaneously feeling acceptance of that failure, compassion. And now it shifts.... it is releasing. Disappointment goes with it
Dear James, of the gently penetrating ballads. I am holding you tonight.
hey Caterina, i want to
hey Caterina, i want to thank you for this touching post. i read it last night-- i went to bed very early, because i was exhausted from keeping myself up all night the night before. i woke up around midnight for a few hours, and i read this post of yours, and it resonated very deeply with me. i felt very recognized; i felt held; i felt warm and grateful; and most of all i felt relieved. all of what you said felt right, and it felt like you punctured a huge source of pressure. i relaxed into myself and into your words. i wanted to wait a while and respond directly to a few things that you said, but now, this morning, i think i'll have to write this sort of expression of gratitude. i had a dream just a little while ago. i've been up reflecting on the dream (sort of against my will!), and now i'm thanking you because you helped me to have the dream. eva (see her into the ether, or sharing prosecco, or in our finest moment) was with me and a few other folks. it was late. we were waiting for 5am for some place to open up for food. eva was distant and dismissive. i eventually tried to engage her to speak with me more intimately-- to look into my eyes. but she refused, eventually saying, seemingly as yet another excuse from looking into them, "you have such pretty eyes." she said this as i was halfway towards walking out the door to wait in the garage. i stutter-stepped but continued out the door. i was alone in the garage and thought something like, "so why do none of you ever want to look at them?" in anger. well, it was more an acting out than an expression of anger, especially since it was a bit dismissive and distant (like eva in the dream!), but that the anger was there is also important. anyway, this isn't all of the dream, but it's the most important moment in the dream. one of my thoughts once awake was that i didn't get her eyes right, that i couldn't... i even thought that's why bjork was blind in my dream, because you can't fake eyes like that. oh, don't get me started on eva's eyes...
so after a little while i had a moment with myself. it was nice, though it hurt. i'll write more about it later on today, when i'm not so hazy from just having woken up from this stark and difficult dream. but i feel pretty good about it, even though i'm struggling. i know that i wouldn't have constructed the dream, nor responded so strongly to it had i not read this post of yours last night before going back to bed, Caterina. i'm very grateful for your company.
james' garage
Hello again. I am curious about the garage... that you "stutter stepped" into the garage where you are waiting... after Eva says "you have such pretty eyes." (which you point out is a way of not looking at you, not stepping into intimacy with you.)
First, I am curious about what the garage might signify to you. As a space of consciousness and imagination, it is unique... like a place you might leave from, set out on a journey, but that you are waiting... (for someone?) Anyway, I find the garage interesting (and i also related it to a place to practice music, but I don't know why).
If Eva is you in your dream (the idealized Other who will not look into your looking, maybe she represents the resistance you spoke about?) I emphasize will here and not "can", because resistance is a willful act representing a choice not an incapacity.
I love reading your dreams, james. You may have already moved past the feelings of this dream, by the time you read this response. But I'll go with you wherever you are now... enjoying your company too.
i have not moved past the
i have not moved past the feelings of this dream!!! ha! not by a long shot.
to begin with, when i read your post (already in a messy state) and came upon, "If Eva is you in your dream," i slammed my fist on the couch arm and yelled out, "NO! She's not me, she's Eva." and with a somewhat new kind of gratitude i left your post temporarily and went into some corner to cry a while and listen to what words i might mutter. i say gratitude because i instantly knew you had given me a great gift. i can say "i know better" than to say that the Eva in my dream "is Eva." but who cares what i know? i felt a huge resistance to that and wanted to hold on hold on so tight, to say don't you take her from me. which of course bleeded back into why did you take that from me? (directed to Eva... or "Eva") i am trying to give into the discomfort. i'm told i can get to the bottom of it, that i can find out what Eva is, what is being evoked so strongly in me by my experience of her. i'm letting myself be guided and letting myself just feel it. for example: i was just asked, what is familiar about Eva's inability to connect? well-- i see my dog Baby, i feel that was taken from me; i see my childhood image, i feel that was taken from me... images flash before me. i read the question and let it hit me, instead of thinking about it so as to construct a reasonable answer. i'm struggling? well then i'll let the struggle answer the questions and see where it takes me. and so, despite the fact that my response looks like a very angry one, i am very grateful you got it out of me. you scared it out of me. i was very surprised by it, actually. i started thinking i'd ordinarily have gotten angry with you, as though you had offended me or missed me, or something. but this huge response to your words made clear to me that you did not miss me at all, that you're right here, and so even in my despair i felt gratitude. (and now even moreso.)
i also find the garage interesting. this dream is pretty packed with images and symbols. various people, the locations, the objects (umbrella, jacket, butcher knife, and more). it's a pretty busy dream, if i have the energy i'll post more details from it tomorrow or sometime soon, and we can explore the entire landscape. it's funny-- i read the word 'garbage' when i first saw your post, then realized it said "james' garage." the garage is a temporary space in a sense-- go in, go out. it's an intermediary. but it is also a space for storage: old crap that gets nearly forgotten, packed away in complex structures of boxes and shelves. it's messy and confused, but for day-to-day use that part of it doesn't matter, so long as i can get the car in and out, or the bike. i like the association with music. i made it when i was reading your first few words on the garage, even in my messy state. (i hadn't yet read the line about Eva being me just yet!!) but music there is isolated, cut off. i would play music there like i would in a sound-resistant room in the basement. lovely to feel and express my voice, but how ultimately painful to feel i need to limit it to quiet isolated moments in the garage, or the basement, or the bathroom. it's in that sense half-refuge, but only half. it's still in the house, but close to the outside world. it is temporary shelter. it's from where the christmas lights on the tree in the front yard get their source of electricity; and it's too tightly packed.
I thought
everyone must be at a party that I wasn't invited to.
Party? What party?
Party? What party?
The
party that I don't know about. No one was home a minute ago.... Om was here for a moment, but he disappeared. You Nico, were here, but where are you now? My bird is asleep. The dog is on the porch barking his head off. I ate too many chocolates. I want to dance. So, I guess I will. Dance with me, baby!
Oh, I am here. And here at
Oh, I am here. And here at work, not working because there is nothing to do, so we watch a Harry Potter movie and make jokes about Governor Spitzer and the hot girl he was seeing. And we drink all the Snapple we can cause it's free.
Oh, Em, a chocolate would be nice right about now. But I don't think I can dance very well right now. My feet are sore, so I will shake my ass instead and just tap my feet.
Maybe even do a little Merengue. Do you know how to Merengue? Ask Camila, she knows how to Merengue real well.
Nico
So, let's pretend we are meeting at a party for the first time. I come up to you and say, " Hi. What's the story of your life?"
I don't know what to say,
I don't know what to say, Em. So many things that could be said from so many different sides. So I would probably settle on, I am still looking and searching for the sense of all things. I wait, like a stone, for a revelation that came and I missed, so I wait some more hoping it will come back.
shell silverstein
You reminded me of that poem about the guy who lost his head and so he thinks.. "i'll just sit on this rock a minute and think about where I last saw it" or something.. you know the poem, with the illustration? And he's sitting on his... oh common you know it, right?
Though the dog and the porch
Though the dog and the porch and the dancing chocolates sound real good right now, and I am thinking I might want to get me some of that.
What's your story this week?
ps The story about the son finally answering you is really powerful, sad and beautiful.
james
I remember Baby, when you lost your dog who was like your best friend and how your parents didn't help you grieve this. how you felt your mom didn't recognize what you needed, how when you talked to your dad about the memory of sitting in the car with your mom and her not helping you grieve, how you felt unrecognized, and he didn't understand and said "she probably did comfort you, you just don't remember"... and once again the failures to recognize your experience as real.
I am so excited by this post, forget Baby for a minute, I am just so excited by how close I feel to you, how I can feel you, and your anger and your telling me and describing your process with it, (there's that gorgeous intellect of yours serving you to identify your thoughts and feelings and not protecting you from them, like your parents protected themselves from their own feelings and yours consequentially).
Eva is the object inside of which you have stored a key back into your feelings of grief and your desire to be held and that grief is so precious because it holds your innocence and love of someone so precious, the acknowledgement of a relationship that recognized you, in which you recognize you, and Baby is a part of this, that car ride, and I'll stop if you want me to, but I feel so much love for you right now, stopping me will only take us into the question of why and you'll open up more, and you can't stop it anymore, you can't hold your truth from you anymore. you can put up a barrier to me, and that is totally cool, but you will be with you and I have so much faith in you to be with yourself. You can take that butcher knife to me if you want..I'm a good bleeder and I'll bleed and bleed and bleed until we're both covered in blood and tears and there's no more blood or tears only this love because I'm not going anywhere.
ps. i love where you went with the garage and your music. Keep going.
gorgeous science writing
to be read aloud:
NASA's Cassini spacecraft circling the planet Saturn will plunge through the outer fringes of an icy plume spewing out from cracks in one of the ringed world's many moons on Wednesday.
Cassini will zip through the edges of immense frozen water vapor geysers gushing from fractures in the south polar region of Saturn's moon Enceladus. The flyby is Cassini's first of four swings past icy Enceladus this year, where the spacecraft will use onboard instruments to "sniff and taste" the satellite's Old Faithful-like water-ice eruptions, mission managers said.
I am sitting with this one.....
About two weeks ago I contacted the son of a woman who lived at my home and who died last July. G. lived with at Thetford House ( the name of the home which is also the name of the street where it is located) for five years. The family, the staff and I were all very close, but the circumstances around his mother's death was very complicated and painful . When he walked out of the house moments after the funeral home came for his mother's body, he never returned. There was no memorial service, no funeral. He never called. I reached out, but received only a brief reply.
Just a few moments ago I received an email from him in reply to the one I just sent. He told me that last week was the first time he cried. I am just trying to take that in. Take in what it means to hold on for nine months. What it means not to breath for so long.
I am grateful. I am grateful. I am grateful. I am grateful for his message. I am happy that I never stopped loving him although I could not fully understand his actions.
And I am so happy today. Tomorrow I am going to Annapolis for the weekend to attend a workshop with the poet David Whyte. I am blessed. I am blessed.
The crocuses are wide awake in my front yard. The bleeding hearts are climbing towards the light. It's spring outside my door. All the dogs are wagging and sniffing. Come on over everyone. Iced green tea and a carton of no trans fat Girl Scout Cookies that I purchased from my neighbor down the street. Kisses. Kisses. Hugs. Hugs.
The fabulous, fickle, dickle funk
James, I really love this post of yours.
The funk. The fantasies. All of it. I could fill the pages of ten epic novels with my fantasies, not only the ones before Arnold, but the one during the years when our relationship wasn’t going well (or I was just unhappy all on my own). I have been discovered by directors, producers, world leaders. I have been on the Tonight Show, The David Letterman Show (all while sitting on the toilet). In tough times, I longed for someone who would magically take away all my pain. When I first began meditation my fantasies were wild – not just about love but about everything from painting my house in different colors to trips around the world. I needed my fantasies to escape the inner longing that gnawed at my stomach. Gradually they have lessened and appear only sporadically. When I encounter them again I usually say hello and I love you, but have to go now. At night, when I can’t fall asleep because my mind won’t slow, I sometimes indulge myself by imagining that my business makes a ton more money. I try to figure out just how much of a raise I can give everyone who works there, but since numbers give me a headache, I usually fall asleep before I figure out their bonus.
This time of year as it stays lighter and the trees outside my window are just showing their buds my deepest yearnings are stirred. Makes my heart ache. I feel the need to expand and expand and expand.
I am amazed, grateful: literally in awe of how much you continue to share yourself. You have been waiting to be seen. Wait no longer. You have arrived. What you long for will find you. I know. Because I am Big Messy, Hot Chocolate Momma.
Now, I have to go find my keys, my glasses, my pocketbook, my shoes, and my hot chocolate if I am going to get to New York in May for a pizza party.
LOL! HEY FABULOUS
"Now, I have to go find my keys, my glasses, my pocketbook, my shoes, and my hot chocolate if I am going to get to New York in May for a pizza party."
You're already here.
I am grateful to be alive so that I can cultivate compassion for all beings, without exception.
sit, write and love
FROM MONOTHEISM TO FREUD TO A FRACTURED MIND
This book, `To Heal a Fractured World,’ is a real jewel. In it, we see the beauty of Judaism, with its love of community and strong ethic of responsibility. And yet, it also lends itself to the strongest arguments against monotheism and a Judeo/Christian worldview. My conclusion continues to be that monotheism is a necessary dualistic stage of human consciousness moving towards nondual awareness. Much as pantheism, as part of a civilizing process, represents a way to construct the human world to describe natural phenomena anthropomorphically, monotheism, as reflected in the more immanent conceptions of God, grew out of the need to accommodate the widening boundaries of human knowledge. The monotheistic God shifts fate from indifferent forces to the human being herself who now “interacts” in relationship with God through faith and deep reflection. In this way similar to Buddhism, Judaism says that we are no longer, like Oedipus, condemned to ignorance. Unlike Buddhism, however, the Hebrew Bible’s answer to our ignorance is in God’s response. “The Hebrew Bible tells us that God speaks. The Universe is not silent. And with those words from the One-who-speaks, a question takes shape in the mind of the one-who-listens.”
However, as critics descry, there is an apparent contradiction. God is all powerful and all good and, yet, there is injustice in the world. The argument is as follows: “Either God cannot prevent justice, or he can but chooses not to. If he cannot, he is not all powerful. If he chooses not to, he is not all good.” Thus, given these statements, it seems the only two alternatives are denying the power or goodness of God (there is no God) or denying the existence of unjustified evil (God exists but judges).
The polytheistic cultures, modern secularism and Buddhism would fall into the first category, though for very different reasons; and Christianity and Islam represent the second category. The Hebrew Bible’s response to this ostensible dilemma is that “in creating humanity, God empowers humanity. He grants dignity – radical, ontological dignity – to the fact that human beings are not gods. Infinity confers a blessing on finitude by recognizing that it is finite, and loving it because it is. God not only speaks, he also listens, and in the listening gives humankind a voice – Abraham’s voice.
God exists, therefore there is justice. But it is divine justice – justice from the perspective of one who knows all, sees all, and considers all: the universe as a whole, and time as a whole, which is to say, eternity.” P. 22
But here’s where the argument gets problematic. According to Rabbi Sacks, “we who live in space and time cannot live from this perspective, and if we did, it would not make us better human beings but worse.” His example for this argument is that of a surgeon who must briefly desensitize himself to a patient’s pain or a statesman who must make tough and even brutal decisions for her country. “To do this best for others needs a measure of detachment, a silencing of sympathy, anaesthetizing of compassion, for the road to happiness or health or peace sometimes runs through the landscape of pain and suffering and death.” In other words, if we were able to see from the point of view of God, creator of all – “we would understand justice but at the cost of ceasing to be human. We would accept all, vindicate all, and become deaf to the cries of those in pain. God does not want us to cease to be human, for if he did, he would not have created us. We are not God. We will never see things from His perspective.” P. 22
And so, in Judaism, the impassioned, sustained desire is to bring heaven down to earth. We desire for God to reach and hear us in order to gain greater meaning and understanding about suffering. However, “Judaism is not peace of mind. `The righteous have no rest, neither in this world nor the next,’ says the Talmud.” Judaism is thus a living protest against suffering and injustice and the Bible sensitizes us to this pain.” The message is clear: accept responsibility.
With the utmost respect for Rabbi Jonathan Sacks and Judaism, I cannot accept this argument for the existence of God, for the very same reasons he avows God exists, and more. The argument of first cause notwithstanding (see my post ), the following – which I am repeating here – is what provokes me most (highlights mine):
if we were able to see from the point of view of God, creator of all – “we would understand justice but at the cost of ceasing to be human. We would accept all, vindicate all, and become deaf to the cries of those in pain. God does not want us to cease to be human, for if he did, he would not have created us. We are not God. We will never see things from His perspective.
This I feel is an arbitrary definition and distinction between what Sacks imagines to be God (based on traditional scriptural belief) and the consequences of what Buddhism, for example, defines as Enlightenment, realizing the ultimate nature of reality. God’s “perspective” is omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent and, as a principle of divine creation, therefore knows the outcome of His own justice -- which is necessarily for humans to no longer be human but to transcend humanity itself. I understand this line of reasoning but have great difficulty with the subtleties and implications of the language. According to this argument, to be human is to suffer and there’s no way out of that suffering: `The righteous have no rest, neither in this world nor the next.’ I cannot accept this argument which, by the way, relies on a monotheistic belief system to exist for it to be true.
To have the conviction that we, human beings, have the capacity to cease suffering necessarily takes the power away from God and puts it right back where historically it was first constructed in our minds: within our mind. In a way, Sacks agrees with this but through extension and only so far as we have the freedom, through justice and the ethic of responsibility, to bring God closer to us. He in fact says, “The single greatest protest against such a universe [of conflicting powers and chaos] is monotheism. It was born in the faith that the world gave birth to us is not indifferent to our existence. Nor is it accidental that we alone of all life forms ask questions.” There is a subtle suggestion here that we “chose” monotheism through faith as a solution to chaos and existential panic.
In a way, the Hebrew Bible’s perspective (along with all monotheistic perspectives) is solipsistic in that the human being, as God’s child, has in fact the “potential” to be one with God. But, like a parent who refuses to ultimately let go, the child will never really be able to sit behind the wheel of her parents’ vehicle. The bible and monotheism will ensure that. And, as a result, we must continue to suffer in our faith. Not.
AS I WROTE THESE WORDS
And as I wrote those words I felt a sharp pain deep in my heart and my forefathers who have perished in the holocausts and pogroms whispering to me: “My son, why do you speak against your people who have suffered and fought for your freedom.” And I say, “Fathers and mothers, the violence must stop, the suffering and pain in the name of God must end. Difference must not degenerate into division. We must use the freedom you cultivated and the paths you carved to prevent the world’s end, which is no longer a fantasy. My intention is not to betray but to honor your memory, to become the direction of you, to reach the heights of peace and give myself over completely to your teachings and your faith. This is what you have taught. And this is what I have found. If there is a God, as you say, this is His divine justice, a justice that neither you nor I can fully grasp. If there is no God, it matters not, for your teachings and faith are about our future and our children and the love, compassion, responsibility and clarity required for peace to be realized and suffering to cease. Not in the future but now. Not in the name of God but in the purpose of love.
MONOTHEISM TO FREUD TO A FRACTURED MIND II
The now famous quote by Freud, “The aim of psychoanalysis is to relieve people of their neurotic unhappiness so that they can be normally unhappy” might have its source in the Hebrew Bible. Freud, like Marx, was a Jew and both were claimed atheists. Both dismissed the idea of monotheism as pathological at worst and illusory at best. Freud initially viewed religion as a “compulsive neurosis” while Marx, in a similar vein, saw religion as the “opium of the masses.” Religion is not the disease, according to Marx, but merely a symptom. This functionalist interpretation of religion is that it is used by oppressors to make people feel better about the distress they experience due to being poor and exploited. Interesting, however, in Freud’s `Moses and Monotheism,’ he took on a more philological perspective much in a Vichian vain (one which Rabbi Sacks would at least partially agree). According to Mark Edmundson, in his NY Times review of `Moses and Monotheism,’ Freud interpreted Judaism in a way compatible with my previous post in which I say:
“My conclusion continues to be that monotheism is a necessary dualistic stage of human consciousness moving towards nondual awareness. Much as pantheism, as part of a civilizing process, represents a way to construct the human world to describe natural phenomena anthropomorphically, monotheism, as reflected in the more immanent conceptions of God, grew out of the need to accommodate the widening boundaries of human knowledge. The monotheistic God shifts fate from indifferent forces to the human being herself who now “interacts” in relationship with God through faith and deep reflection. In this way similar to Buddhism, Judaism says that we are no longer, like Oedipus, condemned to ignorance. Unlike Buddhism, however, the Hebrew Bible’s answer to our ignorance is in God’s response. “The Hebrew Bible tells us that God speaks. The Universe is not silent. And with those words from the One-who-speaks, a question takes shape in the mind of the one-who-listens.”
I’m going to post Edmundson’s comments at length, because they are really rich, cogent and relevant to my ultimate purpose, which is to point out the legacy of Freud’s (political) influence in how we view (particularly but not only psychoanalytically-oriented) therapy and how therapy, in some fundamental ways, has replaced (vis-à-vis scientism) the dualistic aspects of religion (as opposed to spirituality) in its fractured view of human beings:
“Judaism’s distinction as a faith, [Freud] says, comes from its commitment to belief in an invisible God, and from this commitment, many consequential things follow. Freud argues that taking God into the mind enriches the individual immeasurably. The ability to believe in an internal, invisible God vastly improves people’s capacity for abstraction. “The prohibition against making an image of God — the compulsion to worship a God whom one cannot see,” he says, meant that in Judaism “a sensory perception was given second place to what may be called an abstract idea — a triumph of intellectuality over sensuality.”
If people can worship what is not there, they can also reflect on what is not there, or on what is presented to them in symbolic and not immediate terms. So the mental labor of monotheism prepared the Jews — as it would eventually prepare others in the West — to achieve distinction in law, in mathematics, in science and in literary art. It gave them an advantage in all activities that involved making an abstract model of experience, in words or numbers or lines, and working with the abstraction to achieve control over nature or to bring humane order to life. Freud calls this internalizing process an “advance in intellectuality,” and he credits it directly to religion.
Freud speculates that one of the strongest human desires is to encounter God — or the gods — directly. We want to see our deities and to know them. Part of the appeal of Greek religion lay in the fact that it offered adherents direct, and often gorgeous, renderings of the immortals — and also, perhaps, the possibility of meeting them on earth. With its panoply of saints, Christianity restored visual intensity to religion; it took a step back from Judaism in the direction of the pagan faiths. And that, Freud says, is one of the reasons it prospered.
Judaism, on the other hand, never let go of the great renunciation. The renunciation, according to Freud, gave the Jews remarkable strength of intellect, which he admired, but it also made them rather proud, for they felt that they, among all peoples, were the ones who could sustain such belief.
Freud’s argument suggests that belief in an unseen God may prepare the ground not only for science and literature and law but also for intense introspection. Someone who can contemplate an invisible God, Freud implies, is in a strong position to take seriously the invisible, but perhaps determining, dynamics of inner life. He is in a better position to know himself. To live well, the modern individual must learn to understand himself in all his singularity. He must be able to pause and consider his own character, his desires, his inhibitions and values, his inner contradictions. And Judaism, with its commitment to one unseen God, opens the way for doing so. It gives us the gift of inwardness.
Freud was aware that there were many modes of introspection abroad in the world, but he of course thought psychoanalysis was by far the best. He said that the poets were there before him as discoverers of the inner life but that they had never been able to make their knowledge about it systematic and accessible. So throughout the Moses book, Freud subtly identifies himself with the prophet and implies that psychoanalysis may be the most consequential heir of the Jewish “advance in intellectuality.” Freud believed that he had suffered for his commitment to psychoanalysis (which did not and does not lack detractors) and clearly looked to Moses as an example of a great figure who had braved resistance to his beliefs, both by Pharaoh in Egypt and by his own people. Moses hung on to his convictions — much as Freud aspired to do.
Schopenhauer, Nietzsche and Freud were all at times able to recognize religion as being what Harold Bloom has wisely called it: not the opium of the people but the poetry of the people. They read Scripture as though it were poetry, and they learned from it accordingly. They saw that even if someone does not believe in a transcendent God, religion can still be a source of inspiration and of practical wisdom about how to live in the world. To be sure, it often takes hard intellectual work to find that wisdom. (As the proverb has it, “He who would bring home the wealth of the Indies must carry the wealth of the Indies with him.”) Yet Freud’s late-life turn shows us that there is too much of enduring value in religion — even for nonbelievers — ever to think of abandoning it cold.”
FROM MONOTHEISM TO FREUD TO A FRACTURED MIND, CONCLUSION
These fractured worldviews and particularly the fractured worldview of authoritarianism (which monotheism and psychoanalysis has fostered) are still very much with us today. As can be seen in the therapist, Paul Weston’s, struggle with the great demon of uncertainty – the fundamental lack engendered in the fact that we can never know enough -- and his redeploying of the idealized authoritarian tools of knowledge and interpretation, we find ourselves asking, What do we replace these tools with? Do we take a counter-ideal turn, which will ultimately become another performative ideal through regulatory, exclusionary and punitive actions (do we not tend to replace one hierarchy with another?)? This is what occurs when we impose conformity of any kind, which is nothing more than envy and intolerance of difference.
Obviously, the “reflection of uncertainty,” the ideal of not-knowing is not the answer. Soon enough another authoritarian arm would fill the niche. Knowledge is power, there is no way around it. I think the answer is in its distribution, as Jessica Benjamin suggests (though Benjamin’s focus is more in the political realm). The curative is in what we do know about, not knowledge, but about the ultimate nature of individual consciousness: that it is empty of inherent existence, that we are all interconnected, which, if legitimized as psychological truth, disabuses anyone’s notion of authoritarianism.
In my weird boy mind, I have come to realize that the belief in the ideal of authority has only one remedy in practice: laughter, humor and skepticism. Why is everyone so goddamn serious? Have you not noticed there’s no laughter in `In Treatment,’ only snarling, ironic grimaces and cutting wit on the part of patients? Where’s the love? I don’t think we need to give up that aspect of the ideal that loves the one who knows; indeed, we can’t, it’s constitutive of evolution itself, the desire and drive to reach beyond where we now are. Ideals, in the form of knowledge and human beings are necessary artifacts of development. And thus, as Benjamin states,
“… knowledge is going to continue to be an ideal object. Thus knowledge, for good and ill, is going to evoke power, and power will be infused with love through identification. I have contended that to defy knowing, defy being the one who knows, only reverses the binary opposition; it will not really work to defuse that idealization, only to evade responsibility for it; indeed, it will merely preserve it in the unconscious along with envy, feelings of exclusion and deprivation. The solution to exclusion, can only be to call for inclusion, in this case inclusion in knowledge. And because new, and equally pernicious, ways of fixing identity within "them and us" frames are always liable to be invented, a certain kind of knowledge is indispensable.”
The “certain kind of knowledge” that Benjamin speaks of is a kind of homeopathic antidote: “strengthening the mind against the knowledge/power complex by giving our students the theoretical sophistication that those in other fields receive to reflect on the creation of identities, teaching them the history of our theory and how it has undertaken such acts of exclusion, helping them to recognize the common forms of idealization in themselves and others, above all providing a frame in which criticism is not defined as destructive but necessary and life-giving.”
Of course, Benjamin here is referring to students of psychoanalysis (like Paul Weston), but, in my opinion, these thoughts very much apply to the therapeutic process itself. For me, “strengthening the mind” is cultivating self-awareness, and we do this by understanding the nature of mind, understanding the nature of mind in the context of self-development and relationship, and exploring just how we developed into who we perceive and experience ourselves to be. It is taking the fractured mind of authoritarianism and replacing it with the integral mind of interconnectedness. This means mutuality and collaboration and this means critiquing the therapeutic primarily as an emotional, not an intellectual, discipline.
The bottom line is this; we must transcend the split between intellect and emotion, between subject (subjectivity) and object (objectification), and between love of the object of truth and care for the subject whose truth we want to understand. To this end, we accept the paradox of idealization, that is, that it exists and is necessary but is not ultimately real; and the realization of existence, that in the other we will find ourselves and in ourselves the other.
Sit, laugh and love.
crossing the line
I am not able to parse this essay at the depth that it deserves. So I will make two observations and leave it at that (for now).
(1) Your insight into the idea of God, the unseeable abstraction, and the abilty of individuals in the Jewish community to think abstractly is amazing.
(2) You have been steady in arguing for a committed community of seekers who believe that existence is in relationship to oneself and to the other, and who act on that belief. This is a core statement. I think that it goes beyond the usual, not insignificant, committments that therapists make with their clients. It results in a remarkable level of personal risk taking. I respect you for crossing the line between your ideas and your life.
OM
Very interesting, OM. Thank you for taking the time to write so much for our benefit. I am trying to process this and I am trying to sort out some questions. Will get back to you when I have sorted them out.
However, I do have one immediate question. When you say:
"The bottom line is this; we must transcend the split between intellect and emotion, between subject (subjectivity) and object (objectification), and between love of the object of truth and care for the subject whose truth we want to understand. To this end, we accept the paradox of idealization, that is, that it exists and is necessary but is not ultimately real; and the realization of existence, that in the other we will find ourselves and in ourselves the other."
Is this a new frameworK of thought? And if so, is it going to be supplanted by a new framework? Then another and another to eternity?
maybe not much
Nicely said Mr Effortlessly. I begin by thinking that there is a distinction between the world view that inevitably leads to endless personal suffering and the suffering that humans inflict on one another... but maybe they are more connected. What is the relationship between a belief system (Judiaism) and the world of human affairs that it fosters? Maybe not much.
NICO AND ARNOLD
Thank you both so very much for your more than generous comments. They are dear to me. Nico, regarding your questions:
"Is this a new frameworK of thought? And if so, is it going to be supplanted by a new framework? Then another and another to eternity?"
This is not a new framework of thought, it is based on the idea of more integral and holistic thinking and practice across a number of disciplines, including medicine, science, education, politics, etc. where dynamic systems theories are beginning to take hold. Unfortunately, we're moving very slowly and this type of thinking is not yet even close to a mainstream worldview. In the field of mental health, which aligns itself to medicine and therefore science, as far as I can see, it is even worse. There is still a terrible deficit or medical model mentality, what I call a partial care mindset. Simply, it means that we treat part of a person, usually the symtoms an individual presents. In my opinion, this is the worst kind of objectification and the over-usage of psychotropic medication partly validates my point. If my statistics are correct, there are more antidepressants sold in the US than any other drug. Antidepressants have their place in therapeutic treatment but something is terribly awry here.
Aside from that, the spiritual aspect of the therapeutic process is also often dismissed or, if it's present, it is more part of content then context. Meditation, for example, when suggested, is a form of mind relaxation rather than a path towards increased self-awareness and spiritual meaning/understanding (ie, how we're connected to higher levels of collective consciousness). I could go on and on but I think you get the point.
Regarding the developmental shifting of frameworks and models, I would say yes, absolutely. The psychoanalyst and theorist, Charles Spezzano, syas it best: "truth emerges out of our conversations and confrontations, remains the truth for a time because no one can talk about the matter at hand in a more useful and compelling way, and then becomes not true or an irrelevant truth because someone does find another way to talk about the same matter that now seems more useful and more compelling."
IDENTITY VERSUS LABEL
Nico’s question regarding a model or “framework” reminded me of a talk I had with my friend today, a poet. Like myself, my friend is skeptical of labels and for good reason. Labels foster objectification. But, when I suggested that the act of naming in the service of identity has the paradoxical effect of structuring expressions of one’s identity with the sole purpose of expanding one’s personal horizons, he became skeptical of me. And that was good, too. I love skepticism. Briefly, here’s my point. I have a very intense drive for freedom and celebration of individuality. The narrative of my life is composed of “breaking out of confines." To do this, however, required an ongoing deep reflection on the dialectic between “freedom and fatedness.” I have called it faith against fate. It holds up the personal dimension of subjective possibility against one’s history (and I would say karma itself). Identity, or more accurately, identities that we construct to interact with the world represent structures of activity from which to experiment with the “basic parameters of one’s life.” And like I just said to Nico in my last post, and to paraphrase Spezzano, identities emerge out of life conversations and confrontations, remain identities for an indeterminate amount of time, because we can best express ourselves most authentically through these peculiar ways, until and if these identities no longer serve who we are in the most useful and compelling ways.
Identity and Choice
Ok, so I think the difference between Identity and Label is that identity is chosen (even when there is no choice). Identity asserts; to name is the subjective power of language (as opposed to labeling, which objectifies). Identity is claimed and owned, it is the expression of voice. As a poet, I see how important this is, though in many respects, i see my poetry as an exploration of language itself, in its capacity to name, to gesture, and its recursivity. (Language for me gestures beyond itself but also always folds back on itself and is ultimatley only defined by itself. Perhaps, Om, I feel closest to Emptiness when i think deeply about language.) Identity, like language, is a vessel that carries us across the river, but we risk riefication and attachment.
Anyway, I am interested in this idea of faith against fate. I often feel distinctly that there is no choice--that I am a poet, that I desire a deeper spiritual awareness, that I find myself here in this community of friends and strangers--I do not feel like I chose this. Only that I followed a path of necessity. If there is choice, it is only the choice of the present moment: to turn towards life, to claim experience as my own and embrace; or to turn away into the shame of "past", the anxiety of "future" (unreality).
Perhaps somewhere in there lies freedom, perhaps this is why it is important to claim identity; because it is a turning towards in which the voice of a subject dissolves the objectification of label.
In some ways, this makes me think of Homer. In the world of the Iliad, the only choice available to the hero is to turn towards and claim his death--what Jean Pierre Vernant has called the "beautiful death." Indeed, all else is fated. This moment of death--this moment of choice--immortalizes the hero at the apotheosis of his valor and physical beauty. It is the instant in which he (no shes unfortunately) turns away from cowardice, shame and fear and speaks, by taking ownership of fate. Time itself has been conquered in that moment, which now lives forever in song.
Personally, I don't find the heroic vision particularly romantic but there is something there about the power of claiming identity against fate. It is not that fate is overcome, but it is made choice.
holy shit noah
i just wrote my post below before reading yours... and we're both taking this to language, to the river, to vehicles...
Synchronicity!
"We risk reification and attachment" only if we lose ourselves in the form and forget the sense, the heart, the flow, the why, the need, our need, our desire, what brings us here now to type on this fancy keyboard, to reach out to one another, to sit and write, to help others find a better living situation, to gaze through the lens into that field of flowers, to gaze into this relationship. We have to keep ourselves in the relationship both with the chosen form (identity) and the seeking that chose it, that chooses it (I should say) because we renew that choice by stepping into it.
Shakti nipata anusarena sishyoanugraham aharti:
"by stepping into the current of grace's descent into the heart, the true seeker becomes worthy."
Here, there is recognition of a choice (limit) and an opening to the flow, to your desire.
By stepping in, by choosing, renewing that choice, daily, moment to moment, the true seeker becomes worthy (i.e. nothing more is needed but your desire to align you to that current which is your desire and "grace" which I take to be the form of your desire already fulfilled and reaching back to you to draw you closer to the dissolution of the obstacles that keep you from seeing your innate fulfillment - emptiness).
yes, labels are another thing. They are the identity without the contemplation of of the seeker choosing the form, and greater than the form.
Perhaps somewhere in there lies freedom, perhaps this is why it is important to claim identity; because it is a turning towards in which the voice of a subject dissolves the objectification of label.
What the fuck!?!! We keep saying the same thing! I wrote all that above this last quote before reading your entire. Post. Oy!
There is another distinction in sanskrit of different practices, one which "turns away from" (and shows itself to be inherently dual in the process) and "turning towards" which embraces the multiple and the contextual for the purpose of discovering them as means to a deeper relationship of intimacy in non-dual awareness.
Fuck!! "A beautiful death!" I almost ended my last post with "choosing an identity that aligns with my heart and voice (or something like that) is a marvelous dying, one I can rejoice in!" And I almost started to say that this dying is a dying into the song, becoming the song!
Stop saying the same damn thing as me!! Just kidding... I love it.
Personally, I don't find the heroic vision particularly romantic but there is something there about the power of claiming identity against fate. It is not that fate is overcome, but it is made choice.
And in the choice is the expression of freedom. But there is something else. The fatedness of language cannot be destroyed but it is renewed and through the renewal we can see into our life, into the seeking which gets more and more refined of its forms as "seeking this" or "seeking that" drop off and through the forms dissolving so sweetly, like veils being lifted into kisses that are borne into breath and we touch the formless and it gets so soft and words so bare and I can barely speak, barely barely bare any... more.
sartre sez
when i read this post of yours, Noah, i think again of Sartre. somewhat as my prof expresses it, "one can say, 'oh, i didn't choose to be born,' but in a way one can choose one's birth; one chooses whether one's birth is something to be celebrated, or something to be forever regretted and disdained." this is why when writing a response to greek tragedy ("as a whole" -- though i only focused on Sophocles), i argued that it can be neither fate nor free will, because both are too exclusive. i argued that there must be some sort of combination. but using greek tragedy as my lens wasn't terribly helpful. anyway, for sartre it is "situated freedom," and i tend to find that his philosophy speaks to my experience at the moment. we are facticle beings in a given situation -- we have a past, and a body in a particular situation at this moment -- but we are also not that, in the sense that we are also consciousness choosing towards a future. as an example, you can say you didn't "choose" to be here, just as someone would say, "i didn't choose to be hit by a car," but that doesn't mean you don't have choice, or that you are merely at the mercy of the whims of the fates. i'm sure i'm getting some of this wrong, but that's all right :P
JAMES, I LIKE TO STATE IT AS
We might have control over very little but we completely choose how we respond to what we can't control. Of course, this is a paradoxical statement, because our choices always have some kind of effect on a world which is integrally interconnected. And so, choice is both an existential reality and a performative act dependent on and engendering causes and conditions.
PLAYING WITH NOAH'S IDENTITY (BUT NOT HIS "TIMBERLAND")
Noah, there is much here to ponder and parse. If I may, I would like to respond to your post using my definitions of identity, individuality, and autonomy. Your post opens with the idea of choice, the choice between an identity and a label. You suggest that identity engenders choice, whereas label doesn’t, that perhaps there’s a designation assigned to a label which does not exist with identity, for identity is self-chosen. I think it’s fair to say that there’s a negative connotation to the word label, particularly in a culture that values and idealizes autonomy and individuality. So, again, choice, or autonomy is the issue. Though we disagree on terms, I believe we’re pointing to the same ideas.
Both labels and identity are designations, names to identify and categorize for the purpose of ordering reality in some prescribed way. Identity feels to me more complex; indeed, it signifies as opposed to signs. Both, however, are constructs and self-limiting by their very nature. Language itself is self-limiting, too. The key once again is understanding, and understanding presupposes the capacity for self-reflection. In my last few posts I’ve been focusing intently on the role self-reflection plays in development, self-creation and experience generation. I love the term self-creation because it parallels the fundamental idea of religion as that which we seek, find and make (the difference is in the location of that creativity, eg, God or subjectivity). In religion and especially monotheism, the belief in an “invisible God” marked a formative developmental moment in the mind’s capacity for abstraction and thus self-reflection. Mind’s capacity to construct a symbolic abstract representation so complex further deepened its increasingly expansive representations of self organization through which the ideas of identity and individuality emerged and evolved.
And so, we can see, and as I laid out, religion reflects a stage in the origin and development of self-knowledge within the context of the civilizing process. Subjectivity was emerging for the first time in history (the idea of the individual or self was constrained in various ways, and particularly by belief in the existence of an objective moral order). However, as subjectivity as a self-reflective process expanded, two significant historical paradigm shifts occurred in philosophy; namely, the diminishing need for an exteriorized representation, which culminated in Nietzsche’s proclamation that “God is dead” and later in Michael Foucault’s claim that humans are not at the origin and centre of historical processes. Foucault writes, “One thing in any case is certain: man is neither the oldest nor the most constant problem that has been posed for human knowledge. . . man is an invention of recent date. And one perhaps bearing its end.” A thought indeed even more radical than Nietzsche’s, but what Foucault meant was that the human subject can no longer claim that "man" is the transcendental foundation of knowledge nor the first and most important object of empirical knowledge. Neither history nor "man" can claim any reference to a unifying principle. Foucault’s objective was to undermine the power structures that contributed to the construction of the individual. What is left as far as I can see is what Buddhist philosophy describes as Emptiness, a concept which relegates both God and self to constructions empty of inherent existence.
I’m wondering if this intuition on your part came from this development: “Perhaps, Om, I feel closest to Emptiness when i think deeply about language.) Identity, like language, is a vessel that carries us across the river, but we risk reification and attachment.” I’m also wondering if you would allow me to modify this following paragraph so that the next exquisite paragraph might avail itself to a expanded interpretation and feeling for you. Please let me know (and raise your fist too if you need to :).
“Ok, so I think the difference between individuality and either Identity and Label is that individuality vis-à-vis autonomy is chosen (even when there is no choice). Individuality asserts and assigns identity through a self-reflective process, which includes naming. To name is the subjective power of individuality and its vehicle is language. Language potentially diminishes the constrictive negative effects labeling, which objectifies. Through individuality, identity is claimed and owned as the expression of voice. As a poet, I see how important this is. Poetry, as a vehicle for self-generating experience has the potential explore language itself, in its capacity to name, to gesture, and its recursivity. (Language for me gestures beyond but also always folds back on itself and is ultimately only defined by itself).
Anyway, I am interested in this idea of faith against fate. I often feel distinctly that there is no choice--that I am a poet, that I desire a deeper spiritual awareness, that I find myself here in this community of friends and strangers--I do not feel like I chose this. Only that I followed a path of necessity. If there is choice, it is only the choice of the present moment: to turn towards life, to claim experience as my own and embrace; or to turn away into the shame of "past", the anxiety of "future" (unreality).
Perhaps somewhere in there lies freedom [autonomy], perhaps this is why it is important to claim identity; because it is a turning towards [a representational structure] in which the voice of a subject [responds to, absorbs and eventually] dissolves the objectification of label.”
Om, thanks for the re-write
the increased precision of your language/additions to my thoughts maintains my original intention, but makes the meaning much clearer.
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identity, a relationship
What a gorgeous contemplation this, the need to articulate identities (and recognize them) as vehicles through which both to communicate ourselves to the greater community as well as to experiment with the "basic parameters of one's life." I am very drawn to this contemplation because I have struggled with "labels" and "identity" a lot in the realm of Who I am and What I offer to the greater community, while seeking authenticity, an authentic conveyance of my unique energies and voice which have never seemed to fit any particular category. I am this, I am not this... I go trying, tasting, different identities through these names or labels to see if they, through their manifested actions, resonate. In truth, none resonate ultimately but I imagine that I would find (and know I have found) much peace in accepting the recognition of fitting a certain category of kind.
For example, I have no problem identifying myself as "teacher" because I have a ton of experience as one and know how to focus my energy through that identity which serves the purpose of a certain type of relational activity which asks for me to rise into and respect that boundary/container. In a certain context, it works. In other contexts, I am uncomfortable with that same identity, as "yoga teacher" for instance. The reason for this is a feeling that I do not really know what I am proposing, what I am teaching, i think also because I put a certain amount of expectation on that role which I do not think I can fulfill at this time. And this goes for all the other "identities" I would like to feel around in and find myself in/through: writer, film-maker, poet, historian, psychologist, teacher, lover, mother, friend, business owner, "property" owner, dog "owner".
This is to say that the "identity" is dually constructed; in part it serves as a means to approach a community within a certain context and so has an historical portent which is beyond what you or I as individuals will construct (and in this I find the identity sublime, an invitation to participate in a lineage of meaning and seeking through a specific context, an invitation which brings me to my knees in gratitude for the perspective it allows me into culture, time, interconnectedness, and fact/fatedness, not necessarily my own but our own); and in part it carries the associations I bring to that role, all my own personal seeking and creativity which will necessarily out-context and possibly renew the (imagined) historical through (felt/experienced) authenticity.
And I find myself once again in the identity. I do not destroy it. It lives on in language, almost as though language had a necessity for its being just that, just this here, now in this time and culture. But somehow I've used the identity to grow, it is part of my interface with action, it forms me, but I can never completely die to it because I know I am always greater than it. I am not one but multiple identities that all interface through me; they speak to each other through me; they each tinge tint color my appreciation and activity of each other, and this coloring feeds into the particular experience of each identity. And I am not a multiple that can be split into countable parts, but a whole that is greater and deeper than the parts, for even in part, each is but one whole that sees and feels as one, conditioned by the lens, but whole in the seeing and feeling and knowing ever re-articulating.
A container is not a dead-end but a vehicle, a means, to go deeper, broader, to grow, to reach deeper into more inclusive perspectives. I think of it as the shores of a river which guides the flow through the sturdiness of earth. Which brings me to the great paradox of freedom: we express our freedom through our choices which bind us. Through the bind we have something to hold, some real limits against which we may feel our own vitality and freedom and recognize our seeking in a context of the intersubjective. This is relationship which allows simultaneously for reflection and participation, an inward turning development and an outer recognition of ourselves and our community (which in turn feeds the reflection). Identity also means to me that I feel less isolated, that I can communicate, even if only partially, my love which, when aligned with the identity (both in its cultural norm and personal significance, conveys my whole being like a perfect poem.
And isn't language itself evidence of this very relationship? Everything I wrote above is the story of language. The voice of the heart binding itself to these limited and historically, culturally and mysteriously formed forms to communicate something that cannot be contained by them and yet which is recognized by those who are part of this language community (and I don't just mean English!)
NOAH AND CATERINA
I didn't see your posts until after I posted and am very excited to respond, but not tonight I'm afraid, because tonight is already tomorrow, which is now today early morning and late night, which means i better get some sleep. But, I will read your posts closely and hope to continue this discussion. Cool, very cool.
My hawk is waiting for a swooping dream.
Om mani padme hum
IDENTITY, AUTONOMY, INDIVIDUALITY AND AUTHENTICITY
IDENTITY, AUTONOMY, INDIVIDUALITY AND AUTHENTICITY: ACTIVITIES OF CONSCIOUSNESS
Though they are all related and indeed overlap, we must not confuse identity with autonomy, nor with individuality. When we speak of individuality – self-generated experience, or the enterprise of self-creation -- we might take on the example of John Stuart Mills’ subject “who employs all his faculties” to chose his life design. These faculties are what might be called mental factors and which include: “observation to see, reasoning and judgment to foresee, activity to gather materials for decision, discrimination to decide, and when he has decided, firmness and self-control to hold his deliberate decision.” Individuality, as Kwame Anthony Appia points out, in his `The Ethics of Identity,’ “is not so much a state to be achieved as a mode of life to be pursued.” This mode of life I would call a process (of which we are the activities of that process (of consciousness)). Thus, individuality is not always about wise choices, but about the agent or subject who makes the choices. And so, we might say that individuality is the precondition and the result of conscious decision-making; and that the capacity for autonomy is necessary for the precondition of individuality to be exercised.
Autonomy is a form of freedom dependent on self-reflection and which paradoxically emerges out of relationship. How it works is through the developmental absorption of and increasing ability to reflect on, deconstruct and reconstruct the influence of others. Critical to this task, however, is the capacity to make oneself available to influence, to make oneself open to transformation through the impact of another. Initially, of course, we are completely dependent on the caregiver and so the capacity only develops through healthy parenting. The healthy empathic parent is one who nourishes the kind of availability to influence that is not submission and accommodation (the opposite of which is the unavailability of hyper-independence (hyper-self-sufficiency/detachment).
When we speak of identity, we begin with identifications. Identifications which influence identity must allow and nourish personal freedom (autonomy) and creativity (individuality) rather than instill unconscious loyalty and dependence. Regarding individuality, the philosopher Charles Taylor says,
“Each of our own voices has something of its own to say. Not only should I not fit my life to the demands of external conformity; I can’t even find the model to live by outside myself. I can find it only within. Being true to myself means being true to my originality, and that is something only I can articulate and discover. In articulating it, I am also defining myself. I am realizing a potentiality that is properly my own.”
The key here is (and we’re back to concrescence): the autonomy we emerge with from the relational ties of our past development is an autonomy that has absorbed [included] and survived [transcended] the influences of these relationships. To attempt to define autonomy ahistorically or anachronistically apart from the impact of mutual influences is to "confuse autonomy with a kind of omnipotent narcissism which defends against dependency and attachment." According to the late Stephen Mitchell, within self-generated experience [individuality], and emerging out of the self-reflective capacity, there is necessarily a matrix of dialectical tensions between conscious and unconscious thoughts and feelings; private sensations and public engagements; language and affect; past and present; actuality and imagination; verbal and nonverbal; bodily and psychical processes; social embeddedness and autonomous self-definition.” These categories, by their very dichotomous nature, are interpenetrating and mutually creating each other.
Lastly, to speak of true autonomy and individuality we must speak of a theory of authenticity which locates the authentic self “not with respect to specific content, a fixed reference point, but with respect to process, the manner in which experience is generated.” Meditation, for example, another paradoxically self-generating experience that dissolves self, deepens experience by emptying it of shallow, ruminative thoughts and thus “grounds a sense of the authentic in features of interiority, focus and self-origination, not in a particular self with a consistent content, outline or stylistic qualities.”
WHY IS THIS ELIOT DIFFERENT THAN ALL OTHERS?: SPITZER THE GREEK
If you think about it, pantheism is an unconscious principle and therefore a blind force resulting in a fatedness of which the human being has limited freedom in drawing upon. As defined, it is “the doctrine that the universe, taken or conceived of as a whole, is God; or the doctrine that there is no God but the combined force and natural laws which are manifested in the existing universe.” Classical pantheists generally accept the religious doctrine that there is a spiritual basis to all reality, while naturalistic pantheists generally do not and thus see the world in somewhat more naturalistic terms. In either form, pantheism denies the personality of its highest principle --freedom – setting up for example a blind force; albeit a closer (and therefore, higher) perspective to an integral vision that views mind as a stage of consciousness, of which theism can better be integrated (transcended and included) into an evolutionary scheme, rather than a pre-existing reality.
I speak of pantheism first because it situates mind (historically) in between the more chaotic and exterior polytheism and the nontheistic principle of interconnectedness, where the individual mind has the freedom and, as such, is completely responsible for that freedom.
The mystic, Eckhart says, “The end of all creatures is to be soul and to cognize God.” The theosophists make this mystical union of soul with God the destination of the human being and for this reason emphasize interior contemplation rather than external forms (the materialism of Judaism and Christianity). The need for religious ceremony (rites, dogma) it is argued is for the ordinary mind to be in relation to its fellow being. Thus, the common recognition of the Highest, or God unifies individuals. But, is this really true and necessary? That is, among other things, is God and religion necessary to unify human beings and to understand fate? Let’s continue.
Thinking, willing and creating are one in God. It is the self-consciousness of ego (separation of “human” from “being”) that destroys one’s freedom. Self-awareness is the realization of freedom, for in it all externality is a by-product of self-activity.
Regarding the issue of fate, the Roman writer Tacitus says, “most men… cannot part with the belief that each person’s life is fixed from his very birth but the wisest of the ancients leave us with the capacity of choosing our life.”
What is omitted by this belief of fate is the idea of responsible freedom, where we can make better or worse decisions in time. In Classical culture the ancient Greeks were well aware that virtue does not always correspond with happiness, that even in responsible freedom fate can be antagonistic. Nonetheless, the hope was for wisdom, freedom and beauty.
That fate plays itself out, irrespective of the relativity (competing truths) of postmodern culture, pantheism or polytheism (the willful conflicts of gods), is a perennial conundrum of life. The Existential response to this dilemma is authenticity, which is tantamount to responsible freedom. Authenticity, being true to oneself, is predicated on an identity authenticated by individuality and autonomy. However, advocating self-expression and self-realization without a sense of purpose is a formula for violent narcissism, most prevalent in today’s world. Was not Spitzer’s misfortune a result of such solipsistic narcissism?
Let’s look at this from the category of necessity (the condition of being essential). There is internal or logical necessity and external necessity or fate. It is said that necessity of efficient cause is fate; necessity of final cause is freedom. An efficient cause is the agent or force that produces a change or result. A final cause is God or Design. But, I disagree with this statement. I see external necessity “independent” (ignorant) of internal necessity as fate and necessity of final cause the union of internal and external necessity, which is freedom. In other words, the understanding of the ultimate nature of reality as lacking inherent existence is freedom because it cultivates wisdom (interiority/self-awareness) and compassion (external acts of lovingkindness).
And so, from my perspective, which integrates the historical, Buddhistic and analytic (hermeneutic), this “Eliot” is no different than any others in that the lack of introspective capacity completely left his life choices to fate, a fate governed not by an authentic interior-focused self-expression and self-realization but rather the same fate of Greek tragedy where the conflicted, willful gods of his unconscious mind seized his blind ambition, which in the end, left justice black and blind.
FROM STASIS TO ADJUSTMENT TO TRANSFORMATION
I re-read Sam Harris’ `Letter to a Christian Nation’ yesterday and then went back to Fritjof Capra’s `The Web of Life.’ I followed the thought process which led me back to Harris in the midst of my reading Capra. What I realized was how religion/theism, from historical, developmental and evolutionary perspectives, though having a critical function in the evolution of consciousness, has also intermittently caused and created the conditions for mass violence and destruction. Harris’ objective is explicitly stated as an imperative to shake and replace the theocentric paradigm that predominantly organizes this world. I read Harris out of my ultimate concern for both the (nontheistic) moral structuring of the world, its accompanying ethical practices and the ontological perspectives that govern those practices. This is the psychology, ethics and philosophy of a new, what we might call, worldcentric worldview.
Part of my thought process is found in Capra’s `The Web of Life.’ There’s one particular aspect of Capra’s living systems approach to science that really moves me and which I find having a strong analogy in the therapeutic process and study of mind: what is called self organization. Ken Wilber refers to the intrinsic force of self-organization as eros. The physicist, Erich Jantsch, refers to “self-transcendence through self-organization.” It’s basically the emergence of more complex forms (of mind, for example, and its cultural artifacts, including religion) through the evolutionary process.
Three key characteristics can be described in self-organizing systems (the human being an example of this system). The first is the creation of new structures and new modes of behavior. The second is my main interest for this post. According to Capra, self-organization “operates far from equilibrium.” This means that “a constant flow of energy and matter through the system is necessary for self-organization to take place” and that the emergence of new structures occurs only when the system is far from equilibrium!! The third characteristic is what we have spoken about many times, the “nonlinerar” interconnectedness of the system’s components (this is found in the Buddhist philosophical principle of “Emptiness”).
This is one way I envision individual consciousness or mind and how I might explain transformation of consciousness (real psychological change): the higher, more integrated developmental shifts in our thinking, the manner in which we use emotions to both inform (eg, identify needs) and regulate mind; and the accompanying change in our behavior (eg, choices we make, life-style, etc.) as a by-product of our shift in thinking (especially the way we think about thinking).
From a living systems perspective, transformation (rather than what we often see as mere adjustment in therapy) can only occur far from the equilibrium of our previous psychological states, which means mind itself must move through transitional events or activities and which are marked by instability. As Capra points out, in his discussion of the Russian physicist, Ilya Prigone’s study of thermal equilibrium, Prigone discovered that living organisms are able to maintain their life processes under conditions of nonequilibrium. He explained this by the term “dissipative structure.” A dissipative structure is “an organized state of matter arising beyond the first bifurcation point when a system is maintained far from thermodynamic equilibrium.” Prigone demonstrated that in open systems, dissipative structures, “when the flow of energy and matter through them increases, they may go through new instabilities and transform themselves into new structures of increased complexity…. (In classical thermodynamics the dissipation of energy in heat transfer, friction, and the like was always associated with waste.”)
While “dissipative structures” receive their energy from outside, the instabilities and jumps to new forms of organization are the result of fluctuations amplified by positive feedback loops.” I think the analogy in therapeutic change, for example, is clear, and why I think, for all of us, transformation cannot occur in isolation of relationship, and a corrective relationship at that. This is the beautiful aesthetic of intersubjectivity as the healing and synthesizing agent (process) of structure and pattern in human relationships.
The weekend
My friends, I know I have been very quiet. I inhabit a new, unfamiliar space within myself. . I have always lived my life with heightened emotions – very joyful, very sad – everything intense, almost painful to the touch. Everything was brightly lit or flashing – the bells and whistles that jolt you to remind you that yes, yes…. You are alive.
Lately, the way I see things and feel them is with an evenness that is uncomfortable in its foreignness. I am just settling into this new home and learning the subtleties as I write, sit, or just move through my day. Who is this stranger living in my house? In writing, I don’t experience the emotions behind what I am writing in the same way I used to. I may write about crying, pain, or doubt, but in the past, I could only write about these things as I was experiencing them. Now, the feelings seem to inform what I do without taking over what I am doing. The train that runs constantly in my head is slowing down and spending more time at the station. This is a new map of the world.
I was away for part of the weekend at a workshop given by the poet, David White. There were many people there – many people seeking and many many people painfully in need of recognition. I did not enjoy the “star power,” that surrounded David, although I love his poetry and his wonderful storytelling. He is a lover of words and his entire body moves with the words he speaks, giving visual form to the poetic rhythms and sounds. He made me “see poems”. His work is so full of presence and promise that people appeared to arrive with the expectations that his words alone would throw open the doors to their own transformation. They wanted so much more than he could give and yet the very nature of his words feels like they could unlock the secrets to your soul. I found this to be both promising and sad. I felt very lonely.. Among the participants there was a forced intimacy but nothing that felt very real. I was not lonely when David was speaking and reading, but as soon as he became background, the space emptied of his spirit and nothing occupied the void. My loneliness took me by surprise.
The workshop was to last until today, but Saturday after the afternoon session, I went back to my hotel and wrote. I was about to leave to go to the Celtic Celebration that was scheduled, when I asked myself where I really wanted to be. I started out with the old pattern of, “what is wrong with me that I can’t connect,” but quickly gave up that line of thinking to asked myself where I really wanted to be. So, I packed my bags, checked out of the hotel and came home. It felt good.
EMILY, MY SISTER, I LOVED THIS POST
"I am just settling into this new home and learning the subtleties as I write, sit, or just move through my day. Who is this stranger living in my house? In writing, I don’t experience the emotions behind what I am writing in the same way I used to. I may write about crying, pain, or doubt, but in the past, I could only write about these things as I was experiencing them."
It's an intersting coincidence that you write about this shift "far from the equilibrium" of a previous state of consciousness. It's often on my mind. I'm wondering if this "stranger" living in your house is not a stranger at all but the you before you. I'd love to hear more about it. When I look back over my now almost 50 years, I see lifetimes rather than years because of these very distinct shifts in levels of awareness. The changes were so great, so life-altering that I am awed. And, yet, when wading in the pool of memory and convention, I can see those Pauls as existing, too, but with more layers between existing and awareness. What a humble journey it is, life. At times, it is only faith we are left standing with.
Here's a lovely poem by David appropriate for this occassion.
FAITH
I want to write about faith,
about the way the moon rises
over cold snow, night after night,
faithful even as it fades from fullness,
slowly becoming that last curving and impossible
sliver of light before the final darkness.
But I have no faith myself
I refuse it even the smallest entry.
Let this then, my small poem,
like a new moon, slender and barely open,
be the first prayer that opens me to faith.
-- David Whyte
Listen to this!!!!
Yes, this is a demand!
Arnold sent me this link to a talk given by a scientist who had a stroke and got to see and articulate how the two sides of the brain work by experiencing them turning on and off. I don't want to say anymore about it until you have seen it. It is something to just experience.
www.ted.com/talks/view/id/229
Thank you, Em, for sharing
Thank you, Em, for sharing this wonderful amazing post. I found it fascinating how Jill described the different functions of the two sides of the brain. I found myself thinking, what if the creation of the concept of self is a left hemisphere creation that overpowers the right hemisphere perceptual task? and I thought, are we evolving to more left or more right? Or a better integration of the two?
And the idea of the creation of the concept of self seems like nothing more than a biological construct of my brain, the left side. So many questions?
What do you say about it?
HERE'S THE TRANSCRIPT FROM EMILY'S POST: EXTRAORDINARY, REALLY
I grew up to study the brain because I have a brother who has been diagnosed with a brain disorder, schizophrenia. And as a sister and as a scientist, I wanted to understand, why is it that I can take my dreams, I can connect them to my reality, and I can make my dreams come true -- what is it about my brother's brain and his schizophrenia that he cannot connect his dreams to a common, shared reality, so they instead become delusions?
So I dedicated my career to research into the severe mental illnesses. And I moved from my home state of Indiana to Boston where I was working in the lab of Dr. Francine Benes, in the Harvard Department of Psychiatry. And in the lab, we were asking the question, What are the biological differences between the brains of individuals who would be diagnosed as normal control, as compared to the brains of individuals diagnosed with schizophrenia, schizoaffective, or bipolar disorder?
So we were essentially mapping the microcircuitry of the brain, which cells are communicating with which cells, with which chemicals, and then with what quantities of those chemicals. So there was a lot of meaning in my life because I was performing this kind of research during the day. But then in the evenings and on the weekends I traveled as an advocate for NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness.
But on the morning of December 10 1996 I woke up to discover that I had a brain disorder of my own. A blood vessel exploded in the left half of my brain. And in the course of four hours I watched my brain completely deteriorate in its ability to process all information. On the morning of the hemorrhage I could not walk, talk, read, write or recall any of my life. I essentially became an infant in a woman's body.
If you've ever seen a human brain, it's obvious that the two hemispheres are completely separate from one another. And I have brought for you a real human brain. [Thanks.] So, this is a real human brain. This is the front of the brain, the back of the brain with a spinal cord hanging down, and this is how it would be positioned inside of my head. And when you look at the brain, it's obvious that the two cerebral cortices are completely separate from one another. For those of you who understand computers, our right hemisphere functions like a parallel processor. While our left hemisphere functions like a serial processor. The two hemispheres do communicate with one another through the corpus collosum, which is made up of some 300 million axonal fibers. But other than that, the two hemispheres are completely separate. Because they process information differently, each hemisphere thinks about different things, they care about different things, and dare I say, they have very different personalities. [Excuse me. Thank you. It's been a joy.]
Our right hemisphere is all about this present moment. It's all about right here right now. Our right hemisphere, it thinks in pictures and it learns kinesthetically through the movement of our bodies. Information in the form of energy streams in simultaneously through all of our sensory systems. And then it explodes into this enormous collage of what this present moment looks like. What this present moment smells like and tastes like, what it feels like and what it sounds like. I am an energy being connected to the energy all around me through the consciousness of my right hemisphere. We are energy beings connected to one another through the consciousness of our right hemispheres as one human family. And right here, right now, all we are brothers and sisters on this planet, here to make the world a better place. And in this moment we are perfect. We are whole. And we are beautiful.
My left hemisphere is a very different place. Our left hemisphere thinks linearly and methodically. Our left hemisphere is all about the past, and it's all about the future. Our left hemisphere is designed to take that enormous collage of the present moment. And start picking details and more details and more details about those details. It then categorizes and organizes all that information. Associates it with everything in the past we've ever learned and projects into the future all of our possibilities. And our left hemisphere thinks in language. It's that ongoing brain chatter that connects me and my internal world to my external world. It's that little voice that says to me, "Hey, you gotta remember to pick up bananas on your way home, and eat 'em in the morning." It's that calculating intelligence that reminds me when I have to do my laundry. But perhaps most important, it's that little voice that says to me, "I am. I am." And as soon as my left hemisphere says to me "I am," I become separate. I become a single solid individual separate from the energy flow around me and separate from you.
And this was the portion of my brain that I lost on the morning of my stroke.
On the morning of the stroke, I woke up to a pounding pain behind my left eye. And it was the kind of pain, caustic pain, that you get when you bite into ice cream. And it just gripped me and then it released me. Then it just gripped me and then released me. And it was very unusual for me to experience any kind of pain, so I thought OK, I'll just start my normal routine. So I got up and I jumped onto my cardio glider, which is a full-body exercise machine. And I'm jamming away on this thing, and I'm realizing that my hands looked like primitive claws grasping onto the bar. I thought "that's very peculiar" and I looked down at my body and I thought, "whoa, I'm a weird-looking thing." And it was as though my consciousness had shifted away from my normal perception of reality, where I'm the person on the machine having the experience, to some esoteric space where I'm witnessing myself having this experience.
And it was all every peculiar and my headache was just getting worse, so I get off the machine, and I'm walking across my living room floor, and I realize that everything inside of my body has slowed way down. And every step is very rigid and very deliberate. There's no fluidity to my pace, and there's this constriction in my area of perceptions so I'm just focused on internal systems. And I'm standing in my bathroom getting ready to step into the shower and I could actually hear the dialog inside of my body. I heard a little voice saying, "OK, you muscles, you gotta contract, you muscles you relax."
And I lost my balance and I'm propped up against the wall. And I look down at my arm and I realize that I can no longer define the boundaries of my body. I can't define where I begin and where I end. Because the atoms and the molecules of my arm blended with the atoms and molecules of the wall. And all I could detect was this energy. Energy. And I'm asking myself, "What is wrong with me, what is going on?" And in that moment, my brain chatter, my left hemisphere brain chatter went totally silent. Just like someone took a remote control and pushed the mute button and -- total silence.
And at first I was shocked to find myself inside of a silent mind. But then I was immediately captivated by the magnificence of energy around me. And because I could no longer identify the boundaries of my body, I felt enormous and expansive. I felt at one with all the energy that was, and it was beautiful there.
Then all of a sudden my left hemisphere comes back online and it says to me, "Hey! we got a problem, we got a problem, we gotta get some help." So it's like, OK, OK, I got a problem, but then I immediately drifted right back out into the consciousness, and I affectionately referred to this space as La La Land. But it was beautiful there. Imagine what it would be like to be totally disconnected from your brain chatter that connects you to the external world. So here I am in this space and any stress related to my, to my job, it was gone. And I felt lighter in my body. And imagine all of the relationships in the external world and the many stressors related to any of those, they were gone. I felt a sense of peacefulness. And imagine what it would feel like to lose 37 years of emotional baggage! I felt euphoria. Euphoria was beautiful -- and then my left hemisphere comes online and it says "Hey! you've got to pay attention, we've got to get help," and I'm thinking, "I got to get help, I gotta focus." So I get out of the shower and I mechanically dress and I'm walking around my apartment, and I'm thinking, "I gotta get to work, I gotta get to work, can I drive? can I drive?"
And in that moment my right arm went totally paralyzed by my side. And I realized, "Oh my gosh! I'm having a stroke! I'm having a stroke!" And the next thing my brain says to me is, "Wow! This is so cool. This is so cool. How many brain scientists have the opportunity to study their own brain from the inside out?"
And then it crosses my mind: "But I'm a very busy woman. I don't have time for a stroke!" So I'm like, "OK, I can't stop the stroke from happening so I'll do this for a week or two, and then I'll get back to my routine, OK."
So I gotta call help, I gotta call work. I couldn't remember the number at work, so I remembered, in my office I had a business card with my number on it. So I go in my business room, I pull out a 3-inch stack of business cards. And I'm looking at the card on top, and even though I could see clearly in my mind's eye what my business card looked like, I couldn't tell if this was my card or not, because all I could see were pixels. And the pixels of the words blended with the pixels of the background and the pixels of the symbols, and I just couldn't tell. And I would wait for what I call a wave of clarity. And in that moment, I would be able to reattach to normal reality and I could tell, that's not the card, that's not the card, that's not the card. It took me 45 minutes to get one inch down inside of that stack of cards.
In the meantime, for 45 minutes the hemorrhage is getting bigger in my left hemisphere. I do not understand numbers, I do not understand the telephone, but it's the only plan I have. So I take the phone pad and I put it right here, I'd take the business card, I'd put it right here, and I'm matching the shape of the squiggles on the card to the shape of the squiggles on the phone pad. But then I would drift back out into La La Land, and not remember when I come back if I'd already dialed those numbers.
So I had to wield my paralyzed arm like a stump, and cover the numbers as I went along and pushed them, so that as I would come back to normal reality I'd be able to tell, yes, I've already dialed that number. Eventually the whole number gets dialed, and I'm listening to the phone, and my colleague picks up the phone and he says to me, "Whoo woo wooo woo woo." [laughter] And I think to myself, "Oh my gosh, he sounds like a golden retriever!" And so I say to him, clear in my mind I say to him. "This is Jill! I need help!" And what comes out of my voice is, "Whoo woo wooo woo woo." I'm thinking, "Oh my gosh, I sound like a golden retriever." So I couldn't know, I didn't know that I couldn't speak or understand language until I tried.
So he recognizes that I need help, and he gets me help. And a little while later, I am riding in an ambulance from one hospital across Boston to Mass General Hospital. And I curl up into a little fetal ball. And just like a balloon with the last bit of air just, just right out of the balloon I felt my energy lift and I felt my spirit surrender. And in that moment I knew that I was no longer the choreographer of my life. And either the doctors rescue my body and give me a second chance at life or this was perhaps my moment of transition.
When I awoke later that afternoon I was shocked to discover that I was still alive. When I felt my spirit surrender, I said goodbye to my life, and my mind is now suspended between two very opposite planes of reality. Stimulation coming in through my sensory systems felt like pure pain. Light burned my brain like wildfire and sounds were so loud and chaotic that I could not pick a voice out from the background noise and I just wanted to escape. Because I could not identify the position of my body in space, I felt enormous and expensive, like a genie just liberated from her bottle. And my spirit soared free like a great whale gliding through the sea of silent euphoria. Harmonic. I remember thinking there's no way I would ever be able to squeeze the enormousness of myself back inside this tiny little body.
But I realized "But I'm still alive! I'm still alive and I have found Nirvana. And if I have found Nirvana and I'm still alive, then everyone who is alive can find Nirvana." I picture a world filled with beautiful, peaceful, compassionate, loving people who knew that they could come to this space at any time. And that they could purposely choose to step to the right of their left hemispheres and find this peace. And then I realized what a tremendous gift this experience could be, what a stroke of insight this could be to how we live our lives. And it motivated my to recover.
Two and a half weeks after the hemorrhage, the surgeons went in and they removed a blood clot the size of a golf ball that was pushing on my language centers. Here I am with my mama, who's a true angel in my life. It took me eight years to completely recover.
So who are we? We are the life force power of the universe, with manual dexterity and two cognitive minds. And we have the power to choose, moment by moment, who and how we want to be in the world. Right here right now, I can step into the consciousness of my right hemisphere where we are -- I am -- the life force power of the universe, and the life force power of the 50 trillion beautiful molecular geniuses that make up my form. At one with all that is. Or I can choose to step into the consciousness of my left hemisphere. where I become a single individual, a solid, separate from the flow, separate from you. I am Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, intellectual, neuroanatomist. These are the "we" inside of me.
Which would you choose? Which do you choose? And when? I believe that the more time we spend choosing to run the deep inner peace circuitry of our right hemispheres, the more peace we will project into the world and the more peaceful our planet will be. And I thought that was an idea worth spreading.
Nico, what struck me
about Jill Taylor's post is that her description of how she felt was so very similar to the description that long term mediators speak of. The feeling of being a part of everything around you, of dissolving (as Om) describes , is what long term meditation and comtemplative practice leads you toward. It made me feel that I have more control of my perceptions than less.
It was exhilarating to see her, hear her, to feel the intensity of her experience.
I agree. It sounds
I agree. It sounds something like dissolving the idea of self to recognize the molecules that make you you are still part of everything else.
SOME THOUGHT CONVECTIONS FOLLOWING JILL TAYLOR'S VIDEO
In listening to Jill Taylor’s video, I was struck by these two parallel hemispheric worlds and played with them in my sitting tonight. Pure poetry. And then I thought again about this relationship between emptiness and form and particle and wave and language and caring in the therapeutic process. And then Capra’s discussion of dissipative structures -- coined by Russian scientist Ilya Prigogine -- in his book `The Web of Life.’
Stay with me here. A dissipative system is characterized by “the spontaneous appearance of symmetry breaking and the formation of complex, sometimes chaotic, structures where interacting particles exhibit long range correlations.” One example of a dissipative structure are Bénard convection cells. which appear spontaneously in a liquid layer when heat is applied from below. Bénard discovered that the heating of a thin layer of liquid may result in strangely ordered structures. When the liquid is uniformly heated, from below, a constant heat flux is established, moving from the bottom to the top. The liquid itself remains at rest, and the heat is transferred by conduction alone (the transfer of heat from one molecule to another by direct contact). However, when the temperature difference between the top and bottom surfaces reaches a certain critical value, the heat flux is replaced by heat convection, in which the heat is transferred by the coherent motion of large numbers of molecules (ie, by the movement of a fluid).
“At this point a very striking ordered pattern of hexagonal cells appears, in which hot liquid rises through the center of the cells, while the cooler liquid descends to the bottom along the cell walls. [T]hese [hexagonal] “Bénard cells” showed that as the system moves farther away from equilibrium, it reaches a critical point of instability, at which the ordered hexagonal pattern emerges.” P. 87
What is the relationship between these bimodal aspects of phenomena, where energy is transferred from lower to higher, more complex states? In Bénard’s experiment, conduction of energy transformed to the convection of energy; molecules, rather than individually, moved in large numbers as liquid and created this more complex pattern. It’s like the individual self, as it evolves through this corrective, interactive relationship, begins to realize its higher, interconnected forms (and patterns). Language (like the left hemisphere and conduction) gives it direct contact with the world surround and indeed orders its reality; and the caring presence of a higher conscious intent (like the right hemisphere and convection) “heats up” as language descends in its importance (need to structure or order), causing a symmetry break in understanding; that is, rising to a greater understanding of self and self in relationship to other and world.
Insight is an example of this. Have you noticed that when you “have” an insight, a new understanding and reality emerges that, when you look back, let’s say, at memories and/or things you’ve written, they all somehow look different and take on a different meaning prior to the insight? Your “view” seems somehow expanded, integrated at a higher level.
An interesting question relates to the heat itself. What initially generates the heat that creates the conditions and causes of change? What creates the conditions and causes of transformation in individual consciousness? What motivates a person to seemingly rise above her trauma and history (her fatedness) to heal and reach higher levels of psychological health and spiritual development?
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