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I’ve awakened to my voice: I’m grateful to be alive so that I can cultivate compassion for all beings without exception. And now it’s 7AM; it’s been around an hour since I’ve texted my friend with the message, “Please sit with me.” We sit together every morning and then I receive a text saying, for example, Page 147 please. That was this morning’s text, which I will leave on her voice message. What she means is page 147 of ‘I AM That,’ by Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, whose Niasarga (natural) Yoga is commensurate with the philosophy of Advaita Vedanta. Its injunction is simple: penetrate the mind and recognize not this or that, here or there, then or now, but just “timeless being,” what Buddhism calls Pure Awareness, the highest cognizance from which to truly understand the ultimate nature of reality, which is empty of inherent existence.
I chose this particular page because you can see the play between nondual and monistic perspectives, both within the advaitic mind. however, in its deepest transmission, monist or nondual are irrelevant. In fact, change the words around and I could be reading Nagarjuna.
From the chapter `Mind is Restlessness Itself,’ the advaitic essence comes through as the questioner asks: In the ultimate state there can be no happiness?
Maharaj responds: Nor sorrow. Only freedom. Happiness depends on something or other and can be lost; freedom from everything depends on nothing and cannot be lost. Freedom from sorrow has no cause and, therefore, cannot be destroyed. Realize that freedom.
Q: Am I not born to suffer as a result of my path? Is freedom possible at all? Was I born of my own will? Am I not just a creature?
M: What is birth and death but the beginning and ending of a stream of events in consciousness? Because of the idea of separation and limitation they are painful. Momentary relief from pain we call pleasure – and we build castles in the air hoping for endless pleasure which we call happiness. It is all misunderstanding and misuse. Wake up, go beyond, live really.
Q: My knowledge is limited, my power negligible.
M: Being the source of both, the self is beyond both knowledge and power. The observable is in the mind. The nature of the self is pure awareness, pure witnessing, unaffected by the presence or absence of knowledge or liking.
Have your being outside this body of birth and death and all your problems will be solved. They exist because you believe yourself to be born to die. Undeceive yourself and be free. You are not a person.
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This last sentence is most important: “You are not a person.” What Nisargadatta means is that you are only a person in name; person is the mental construct you designate for the psychophysical aggregates, one of the 12 limbs that represent an interconnected complex of the human being. Importantly, though elaborated separately, the 12 limbs of the human complex cannot be properly understood if viewed as separate entities, for they represent features of a complete field. And so, the person is the fourth limb, which is called, name and form. Name identifies consciousness and its various aspects while form identifies matter and its various aspects. The aggregates of perception, feelings, karmic formations and consciousness are included under “name.”
When viewed in this way, the ultimate nature of reality is revealed: that everything in the universe is interconnected through the web (“fusion”) of cause and effect so that the whole and the parts are mutually interdependent. The character and condition of entities at any given time are intimately connected with the character and condition of all other entities that ONLY superficially may appear to be unconnected or unrelated.
MY INDEFATIGABLE FRIEND SAYS, “Page 465, please” (`I AM THAT’)
M: Human beings die every second, the fear and the agony of dying hangs over the world like a cloud. No wonder you too are afraid. But once you know that the body alone dies and not the continuity of memory and the sense of ‘I am’ reflected in it, you are afraid no longer.
Q: Well, let us die and see.
M: Give attention and you will find that birth and death are one, that life pulsates between being and non-being, and that each needs the other for completeness. You are born to die and you die to be reborn.
Q: Does not detachment stop the process?
M: With detachment the fear goes, but not the fact.
Q: Shall I be compelled to be reborn? How dreadful!
M: There is no compulsion. You get what you want. You make your own plans and you carry them out.
Q: Do we condemn ourselves to suffer?
M: We grow through investigation, and to investigate we need experience. We tend to repeat what we have not understood. If we are sensitive and intelligent, we need not suffer. Pain is a call for attention and the penalty of carelessness. Intelligent and compassionate action is the only remedy.
Q: It is because I have grown in intelligence that I would not tolerate my suffering again. What is wrong with suicide?
M: Nothing wrong, if it solves the problem. What if it does not? Suffering caused by extraneous factors -- some painful and incurable disease, or unbearable calamity -- may provide some justification, but where wisdom and compassion are lacking, suicide cannot help. A foolish death means foolishness reborn. Besides there is the question of karma to consider. Endurance is usually the wisest course.
Q: Must one endure suffering, however acute and hopeless?
M: Endurance is one thing and helpless agony is another. Endurance is meaningful and fruitful, while agony is useless.
Q: Why worry about karma? It takes care of itself anyhow.
M: Most of our karma is collective. We suffer for the sins of others, as others suffer for ours. Humanity is one. Ignorance of this fact does not change it. We could have been much happier people ourselves, but for our indifference to the sufferings of others.
What I love about this teaching is Maharaj’s essential message that once we lift the veil of fear, all will be revealed. He says, “But once you know that the body alone dies and not the continuity of memory and the sense of ‘I am’ reflected in it, you are afraid no longer.” This continua of consciousness is reincarnation or rebirth, and it is the logical conclusion of dependent origination and emptiness as the ultimate nature of reality. If nothing is born, then nothing dies. And out of that emptiness, “This arises because that is; this, having been produced, produces that.” The Advaitic response is: “that life pulsates between being and non-being, and that each needs the other for completeness.” This word “need” is interesting; the Buddhist would say “depends on.” And for “completeness,” they would say reality. Form is emptiness, emptiness is form. “Give attention and you will find that birth and death are one.” This is monistic language and I believe what distinguishes Advaita and Buddhism. Again, Buddhism would say that birth and death are inseparate, which vitiates the notion of theism or monism.
“With detachment the fear goes, but not the fact.” This is very consistent with Buddhist thought. Nonattachment reflects the wisdom of understanding the ultimate nature of reality, and the “fact” is conventional reality, where birth and death, both mental constructs, exist as a condition of ignorance.
Maharaj further explicates the idea of wisdom into the teaching. He says, “We grow through investigation, and to investigate we need [direct] experience. We tend to repeat what we have not understood [ignorance]. If we are sensitive and intelligent, we need not suffer. Pain is a call for attention and the penalty of carelessness. Intelligent and compassionate action is the only remedy.”
As an extension of suffering, the questioner inquires about suicide, and Maharaj raises the issue of karma. He reminds the questioner that a “foolish death is foolishness reborn.” This belief in suicide complicating and even causing a worse fate in rebirth is related to the idea of dependent origination and ignorance within an evolutionary context. As we further and further purify negative karma through the cultivation of wisdom and compassion, we move closer to realization, or Enlightenment. Suicide would undermine that whole process. And thus, it doesn’t “solve the problem” of suffering. It in fact increases it. “Endurance is the wisest course.” Or, tolerate what’s intolerable as one gains greater and greater wisdom through practice.
“Page 11, please” (`I AM THAT’)
What is Born must Die
Questioner: Is the witness-consciousness permanent or not?
Maharaj: It is not permanent. The knower rises and sets with the known. That in which both the knower and the known arise and set, is beyond time. The words permanent or eternal do not apply.
Q: In sleep there is neither the known, nor the knower. What keeps the body sensitive and receptive?
M: Surely you cannot say the knower was absent. The experience of things and thoughts was not there, that is all. But the absence of experience too is experience. It is like entering a dark room and saying: 'I see nothing'. A man blind from birth knows not what darkness means. Similarly, only the knower knows that he does not know. Sleep is merely a lapse in memory. Life goes on.
Q: And what is death?
M: It is the change in the living process of a particular body. Integration ends and disintegration sets in.
Q: But what about the knower. With the disappearance of the body, does the knower disappear?
M: Just as the knower of the body appears at birth, so he disappears at death.
Q: And nothing remains?
M: Life remains. Consciousness needs a vehicle and an instrument for its manifestation. When life produces another body, another knower comes into being,
Q: Is there a causal link between the successive bodyknowers, or body-minds?
M: Yes, there is something that may be called the memory body, or causal body, a record of all that was thought, wanted and done. It is like a cloud of images held together
Q: What is this sense of a separate existence?
M: It is a reflection in a separate body of the one reality. In this reflection the unlimited and the limited are confused and taken to be the same. To undo this confusion is the purpose of Yoga.
Q: Does not death undo this confusion?
M: In death only the body dies. Life does not, consciousness does not, reality does not. And the life is never so alive as after death.
Q: But does one get reborn?
M: What was born must die. Only the unborn is deathless. Find what is it that never sleeps and never wakes, and whose pale reflection is our sense of 'I'.
Q: How am I to go about this finding out?
M: How do you go about finding anything? By keeping your mind and heart in it. Interest there must be and steady remembrance. To remember what needs to be remembered is the secret of success. You come to it through earnestness.
Q: Do you mean to say that mere wanting to find out is enough? Surely, both qualifications and opportunities are needed.
M: These will come with earnestness. What is supremely important is to be free from contradictions: the goal and the way must not be on different levels; life and light must not quarrel; behaviour must not betray belief. Call it honesty, integrity, wholeness; you must not go back, undo, uproot, abandon the conquered ground. Tenacity of purpose and honesty in pursuit will bring you to your goal.
Q: Tenacity and honesty are endowments, surely! Not a trace of them I have.
M: All will come as you go on. Take the first step first. All blessings come from within. Turn within. 'l am' you know. Be with it all the time you can spare, until you revert to it spontaneously. There is no simpler and easier way.
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This is a very difficult chapter in a way, because it is the conceptual mind that tries to understand what it has very little to do with. And yet, we can get a sense of “witness-consciousness,” what Maharaj refers to as `I am.’ I am is that cognizance that is aware, not only of what, but that mind is thinking. This cognizance we might call the interface between the conceptual mind (the mind that uses language to construct reality) and the nondual mind (the mind that cognizes immediate nondual awareness transcendent of the subject-object distinction). A favorite illustration of this transcendent awareness is the simple circle: O. The circle stands out as an object in space but notice how it creates the appearance of an inside and outside. Thus, the circle itself is a symbol for the distinction in consciousness between a subject looking at the circle as object and the inside of the circle and its outside nondual complement. When you focus on the inside of the circle, it seems as if the space outside has disappeared and yet it is always there. In fact, the inside space exists because of the outside space. We might say the outside space transcends but includes the inside space. And further, if we erase the circle itself, the space is still there and it is I am cognizant of that space. The space itself symbolizes the permanent timeless and spaceless Real beyond I am itself. It is beyond what language can describe. It can only be known through direct experience; at best, we can point.
This is what Maharaj means by “The knower rises and sets with the known. That in which both the knower and the known arise and set, is beyond time. The words permanent or eternal do not apply.” It is this awareness that is free from suffering because suffering only exists in conceptual reality. This is the awareness on the highest level and so, once reached, the human being must respond with her totality from this awareness. This is being free of contradictions:
“What is supremely important is to be free from contradictions: the goal and the way must not be on different levels; life and light must not quarrel; behaviour must not betray belief. Call it honesty, integrity, wholeness; you must not go back, undo, uproot, abandon the conquered ground. Tenacity of purpose and honesty in pursuit will bring you to your goal.”
and with this, i leave
thank you, friends; i couldn't be here if it wasn't for you. i hope it won't be terribly long before i speak with you again, and not long after that before i send you words and photos from the beginning of my journey. i hope you all have a wonderful month and a half, in whatever particular way you may need at this particular moment. and i hope to share that time with you, as we have shared so much time together already. i'll be singing while in Nepal, and i'll try and let all of you sing through me a bit.
love,
james
buen viaje, James!
bring us back lots of enlightenment and inspiration!
James, have a great trip
James, have a great trip with loads of fun and enlightment.
“Page 243, please” (`I AM THAT’)
52. Being Happy, Making Happy is the Rhythm of Life (Italics mine)
Questioner: I came from Europe a few months ago on one of my periodical visits to my Guru near Calcutta. Now I am on my way back home. I was invited by a friend to meet you and I am glad I came.
Maharaj: What did you learn from your Guru and what practice did you follow?
Q: He is a venerable old man of about eighty. Philosophically he is a Vedantin and the practice he teaches has much to do with rousing the unconscious energies of the mind and bringing the hidden obstacles and blockages into the conscious. My personal sadhana was related to my peculiar problem of early infancy and childhood. My mother could not give me the feeling of being secure and loved, so important to the child's normal development. She was a woman not fit to be a mother; ridden with anxieties and neuroses, unsure of herself, she felt me to be a responsibility and a burden beyond her capacity to bear. She never wanted me to be born. She did not want me to grow and to develop, she wanted me back in her womb, unborn, nonexistent. Any movement of life in me she resisted, any attempt to go beyond the narrow circle of her habitual existence she fought fiercely. As a child I was both sensitive and affectionate. I craved for love above everything else and love, the simple, instinctive love of a mother for her child was denied me. The child's search for its mother became the leading motive of my life and I never grew out of it. A happy child, a happy childhood became an obsession with me. Pregnancy, birth, infancy interested me passionately. I became an obstetrician of some renown and contributed to the development of the method of painless childbirth. A happy child of a happy mother -- that was my ideal all my life. But my mother was always there -- unhappy herself, unwilling and incapable to see me happy. It manifested itself in strange ways. Whenever I was unwell, she felt better; when I was in good shape, she was down again, cursing herself and me too. As if she never forgave me my crime of having been born, she made me feel guilty of being alive. 'You live because you hate me. If you love me -- die', was her constant, though silent message. And so I spent my life, being offered death instead of love. Imprisoned, as I was, in my mother, the perennial infant, I could not develop a meaningful relation with a woman; the image of the mother would stand between, unforgiving, unforgiven. I sought solace in my work and found much; but I could not move from the pit of infancy. Finally, I turned to spiritual search and I am on this line steadily for many years. But, in a way it is the same old search for mother's love, call it God or Atma or Supreme Reality. Basically I want to love and be loved; unfortunately the so-called religious people are against life and all for the mind. When faced with life's needs and urges, they begin by classifying, abstracting and conceptualizing and then make the classification more important than life itself. They ask to concentrate on and impersonate a concept. Instead of the spontaneous integration through love they recommend a deliberate and laborious concentration on a formula. Whether it is God or Atma, the me or the other, it comes to the same! Something to think about, not somebody to love. It is not theories and systems that I need; there are many equally attractive or plausible. I need a stirring of the heart, a renewal of life, and not a new way of thinking. There are no new ways of thinking, but feelings can be ever fresh. When I love somebody, I meditate on him spontaneously and powerfully, with warmth and vigour, which my mind cannot command.
Words are good for shaping feelings; words without feeling are like clothes with no body inside -- cold and limp. This mother of mine -- she drained me of all feelings -- my sources have run dry. Can I find here the richness and abundance of emotions, which I needed in such ample measure as a child?
M: Where is your childhood now? And what is your future?
Q: I was born, I have grown, I shall die.
M: You mean your body, of course. And your mind. I am not talking of your physiology and psychology. They are a part of nature and are governed by nature's laws. I am talking of your search for love. Had it a beginning? Will it have an end?
Q: I really cannot say. It is there -- from the earliest to the last moment of my life. This yearning for love -- how constant and how hopeless!
M: In your search for love what exactly are you searching for?
Q: Simply this: to love and to be loved.
M: You mean a woman?
Q: Not necessarily. A friend, a teacher, a guide -- as long as the feeling is bright and clear. Of course, a woman is the usual answer. But it need not be the only one.
M: Of the two what would you prefer, to love or to be loved?
Q: I would rather have both! But I can see that to love is greater, nobler, deeper. To be loved is sweet, but it does not make one grow.
M: Can you love on your own, or must you be made to love?
Q: One must meet somebody lovable, of course. My mother was not only not loving, she was also not lovable.
M: What makes a person lovable? Is it not the being loved? First you love and then you look for reasons.
Q: It can be the other way round. You love what makes you happy.
M: But what makes you happy?
Q: There is no rule about it. The entire subject is highly individual and unpredictable.
M: Right. Whichever way you put it, unless you love there is no happiness. But, does love make you always happy? Is not the association of love with happiness a rather early, infantile stage? When the beloved suffers, don't you suffer too? And do you cease to love, because you suffer? Must love and happiness come and go together? Is love merely the expectation of pleasure?
Q: Of course not. There can be much suffering in love.
M: Then what is love? Is it not a state of being rather than a state of mind? Must you know that you love in order to love? Did you. not love your mother unknowingly? Your craving for her love, for an opportunity to love her, is it not the movement of love? Is not love as much a part of you, as consciousness of being? You sought the love of your mother, because you loved her.
Q: But she would not let me!
M: She could not stop you.
Q: Then, why was I unhappy all my life?
M: Because you did not go down to the very roots of your being. It is your complete ignorance of yourself, that covered up your love and happiness and made you seek for what you had never lost. Love is will, the will to share your happiness with all. Being happy -- making happy -- this is the rhythm of love.
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Love is will, the will to share your happiness with all. Buddhism might define love as the desire to create joy. You can see that the two definitions are essentially the same. What I love about this chapter is how it begins with psychological suffering and Maharaj responding to the questioner in a way that points to that which transcends those parts of nature, like the psychological and physiological “governed by nature's laws.” Spiritual love, according to Maharaj, transcends the psychological state of mind; it is beyond the seeking of pleasure combined with the idea of goodness. Spiritual love is loving as a state of being and which one finds underneath the seeking reparation of loss. In spiritual love, there is no loss because there never was a loss.
a dream
hey all. i had a wild dream last night that combined Kathmandu with Whitestone via a Björk music video... a few years ago i had several dreams involving Björk making music videos. there was some conflict surrounding desire, and certainly Björk (as she was when she used to be a more frequent dream/fantasy symbol of mine) embodies both mother and lover (and more, actually).
she was making a music video in what from the outside was Kathmandu, but from the inside was my parents' houses. the dream also involved Thupten Jinpa, the Dalai Lama's Tibetan->English translator, who in the dream seemed to be the director of the video, or something similar. some of my favorite moments in dreams are small gestures, little moments that stand out for one reason or another. in this dream i crept up to Björk as she sat back with her eyes closed on the love seat in the front room of my mother's house, and i kissed her chin with the utmost care. the most interesting thng about this, other than the choice of her chin, is the sensation i experienced. i not only felt my lips, and the softness of her skin, but i also felt the sensation that she felt. i could not only understand her response to the kiss by reading her, so to speak; i actually FELT what she did. it was wonderful. but then shame and fear kicked in, i turned and ran upstairs and hid away, fantasizing about Thupten Jinpa humiliating me for my feelings for Björk.
i quite love that it is Thupten Jinpa -- i am reading The Good Heart at the moment (by His Holiness the Dalai Lama) and so there are echoes of Thupten Jinpa's careful, caring, and eloquent translation throughout the book. i am under the impression that i have chosen Thupten Jinpa in part because i believe him to be capable of recognizing me. there's much to glean in this little dream! and quite fascinating to wake up to a combination of Whitestone (old home) and Kathmandu (temporary present home). my apartment is nowhere in sight!
so then after thnking about the dream for a while, i came here and read this post, and found it quite happy a fit. so i don't have much to say other than all of this, i'm a bit tired and think i'll go grab some grub. i'm leaving for the monastery tomorrow, and will share a photo of it with you all as soon as i have one that feels right. and then perhaps a short story or two? i see there's not much action lately, though i'm up to date and have read the conversations, for example, between Nico and Megan. and everyone else-- how are you feeling today? i hope to hear from you all next time i come to the blog :)
James, great to hear from
James, great to hear from you. fantastic dream. My impression is that the making of the music video is you making your own reality. A little bit of whitestone, a little bit of kathmandu, a little bit of desire with shame and fear.
it is a wonderful dream because you are creating in this dream by making the video with your desire, and though you might feel judged and shamed, you are still making it, little by little, inch by inch.
it also reflects a larger lesson, that we can travel to all sorts of places looking for answers and enlightment, something to alleviate suffering, and though these places teach us so much, the enlightment happens in us, in our hearts and in our minds.
though it is a paradox that we need the reflections of all these different places to bring us back to ourselves within.
Om, thanks for posting
Om, thanks for posting excerpts and comments from I am That. I am reading them slowly but surely. I have realized that reading them on the computer screen is much more difficult for me, than printing it out on paper. Then it is enjoyable.
From this except, it seems to me that Maharaj is also missing the point of the Questioner's suffering for the loss of the love that he never received from his mother. And while I see the great and profound lesson Maharaj teaches in this respect, from this excerpt is seems that he misses the psychological suffering of the Questioner, and is ready to move on to the greater lesson without giving him the acceptance of that loss.
What do you think?
NICO, GOOD OBSERVATION
It’s all about context, isn’t it? Maharaj is an eastern guru whose perspective is very very high and, as a result, very narrow in its focus. The only process his and other religious traditions ascribe to is a strictly spiritual one, where the process is represented as stages of meditation. As there is no separation between self and other, there is no separation between the psychological and the spiritual. This I feel is a limitation in the process, as you have noted. However, the man went to Maharaj for spiritual advice and I’m sure had the expectation that Maharaj would respond in exactly the way he did. I’m also confident the man received some very deep transmission and benefit from his meeting.
“Page 103, please” (`I AM THAT’)
The Beginningless Begins Forever (italics mine)
Q: We are told of the bliss of non-duality.
M: Such bliss is more of the nature of a great peace. Pleasure and pain are the fruits of actions -- righteous and unrighteous.
Q: What makes the difference?
M: The difference is between giving and grasping. Whatever the way of approach, in the end all becomes one.
Q: If there be no difference in the goal, why discriminate between various approaches?
M: Let each act according to his nature. The ultimate purpose will be served in any case. All your discriminations and classifications are quite all right, but they do not exist in my case. As the description of a dream may be detailed and accurate, though without having any foundation, so does your pattern fit nothing but your own assumptions. You begin with an idea and you end with the same idea under a different garb.
Q: How do you see things?
M: One and all are the same to me. The same consciousness (chit) appears as being (sat) and as bliss (ananda): Chit in movement is Ananda; Chit motionless is being.
Q: Still you are making a distinction between motion and motionlessness.
M: Non-distinction speaks in silence. Words carry distinctions. The unmanifested (nirguna) has no name, all names refer to the manifested (saguna). It is useless to struggle with words to express what is beyond words. Consciousness (chidananda) is spirit (purusha), consciousness is matter (prakriti). Imperfect spirit is matter, perfect matter is spirit. In the beginning as in the end, all is one. All division is in the mind (chitta); there is none in reality (chit). Movement and rest are states of mind and cannot be without their opposites. By itself nothing moves, nothing rests. It is a grievous mistake to attribute to mental constructs absolute existence. Nothing exists by itself.
Q: You seem to identify rest with the Supreme State?
M: There is rest as a state of mind (chidaram) and there is rest as a state of being (atmaram). The former comes and goes, while the true rest is the very heart of action. Unfortunately, language is a mental tool and works only in opposites.
Q: As a witness, you are working or at rest?
M: Witnessing is an experience and rest is freedom from experience.
Q: Can't they co-exist, as the tumult of the waves and the quiet of the deep co-exist in the ocean.
M: Beyond the mind there is no such thing as experience. Experience is a dual state. You cannot talk of reality as an experience. Once this is understood, you will no longer look for being and becoming as separate and opposite. In reality they are one and inseparable, like roots and branches of the same tree. Both can exist only in the light of consciousness, which again, arises in the wake of the sense 'I am'. This is the primary fact. If you miss it, you miss all.
Q: Is the sense of being a product of experience only? The great saying (Mahavakya) tat-sat is it a mere mode of mentation?
M: Whatever is spoken is speech only. Whatever is thought is thought only. The real meaning is unexplainable, though experienceable. The Mahavakya is true, but your ideas are false, for all ideas (kalpana) are false.
Q: Is the conviction: 'I am That' false?
M: Of course. Conviction is a mental state. In 'That' there is no 'I am'. With the sense 'I am' emerging, 'That' is obscured, as with the sun rising the stars are wiped out. But as with the sun comes light, so with the sense of self comes bliss (chidananda). The cause of bliss is sought in the 'not--I' and thus the bondage begins.
Q: In your daily life are you always conscious of your real state?
M: Neither conscious, nor unconscious. I do not need convictions. I live on courage. Courage is my essence, which is love of life. I am free of memories and anticipations, unconcerned with what I am and what I am not. I am not addicted to self descriptions, soham and brahmasmi ('I am He', 'I am the Supreme') are of no use to me, I have the courage to be as nothing and to see the world as it is: nothing. It sounds simple, just try it!
Q: But what gives you courage?
M: How perverted are your views! Need courage be given? Your question implies that anxiety is the normal state and courage is abnormal. It is the other way round. Anxiety and hope are born of imagination -- I am free of both. I am simple being and I need nothing to rest on.
Q: Unless you know yourself, of what use is your being to you? To be happy with what you are, you must know what you are.
M: Being shines as knowing, knowing is warm in love. It is all one. You imagine separations and trouble yourself with questions. Don't concern yourself overmuch with formulations. Pure being cannot be described.
Q: Unless a thing is knowable and enjoyable, it is of no use to me. It must become a part of my experience, first of all.
M: You are dragging down reality to the level of experience. How can reality depend on experience, when it is the very ground (adhar) of experience. Reality is in the very fact of experience, not in its nature. Experience is, after all, a state of mind, while being is definitely not a state of mind.
Q: Again I am confused! Is being separate from knowing?
M: The separation is an appearance. Just as the dream is not apart from the dreamer, so is knowing not apart from being. The dream is the dreamer, the knowledge is the knower, the distinction is merely verbal.
Q: I can see now that sat and chit are one. But what about bliss (ananda)? Being and consciousness are always present together, but bliss flashes only occasionally.
M: The undisturbed state of being is bliss; the disturbed state is what appears as the world. In non-duality there is bliss; in duality -- experience. What comes and goes is experience with its duality of pain and pleasure. Bliss is not to be known. One is always bliss, but never blissful. Bliss is not an attribute.
Q: I have another question to ask: Some Yogis attain their goal, but it is of no use to others. They do not know, or are not able to share. Those who can share out what they have, initiate others. Where lies the difference?
M: There is no difference. Your approach is wrong. There are no others to help. A rich man, when he hands over his entire fortune to his family, has not a coin left to give a beggar. So is the wise man (jnani) stripped of all his powers and possessions. Nothing, literally nothing, can be said about him. He cannot help anybody for he is everybody. He is the poor and also his poverty, the thief and also his thievery. How can he be said to help, when he is not apart? Who thinks of himself as separate from the world, let him help the world.
Q: Still, there is duality, there is sorrow, there is need of help. By denouncing it as mere dream nothing is achieved.
M: The only thing that can help is to wake up from the dream.
Q: An awakener is needed.
M: Who again is in the dream. The awakener signifies the beginning of the end. There are no eternal dreams.
Q: Even when it is beginningless?
M: Everything begins with you. What else is beginningless?
Q: I began at birth.
M: That is what you are told. Is it so? Did you see yourself beginning?
Q: I began just now. All else is memory.
M: Quite right. The beginningless begins forever. In the same way, I give eternally, because I have nothing. To be nothing, to have nothing, to keep nothing for oneself is the greatest gift, the highest generosity.
Q: Is there no self-concern left?
M: Of course I am self-concerned, but the self is all. In practice it takes the shape of goodwill, unfailing and universal. You may call it love, all-pervading, all-redeeming. Such love is supremely active -- without the sense of doing.
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The nature of mind is like openness, space.
But it is superior, for it possesses wisdom.
Luminous clarity is like the sun and the moon,
But it is superior, for it contains no substance.
Intrinsic awareness is like a crystal ball,
But it is superior, as it is without obstruction or covering.
Jigme Lingpa (1730 - 1798)
“Seeing is just this, a gentle flowing river through space and illusion. When in meditation, all thoughts dissolve in emptiness. When mingling with daily life, seeing is witnessing the mind, as it is, moving towards the distractedness of creation; but the witness says, "this is nothing but a dream; it is all unreal." -- Tulku Urgyen Rinpoche
As I read this page of Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj and reflected specifically on the teacher Maharaj, I unavoidably thought about the nature of love; not as an idea, but as lived experience, and I could not help but to think of relationship. When it comes down to it, love is listening, a deep listening with one’s whole being. Lovers could actually feel it in their bodies, in the tension of letting go and surrendering. The way the body gives itself over, through desire, to the listening. And it is that very sexual tension that is nothing more than a portal to deeper listening, the opening up of our total beings to each other. This is the Witness, the observing self going beyond the materialism of thought, knowledge and sex. For thought, knowledge and the body are ultimately the walls from which death speaks, the dense bulwarks that block the sea of light flowing through consciousness. When we give up thought, when we give up knowledge, we become naked again in the Emptiness of love, in the calm elation of a slow, flowing breath.
In this and all chapters, Maharaj is asking the questioner to listen deeply in order to change her worldview from dualistic to nondual. Nondual is simply this: “All division is in the mind; there is none in reality.” Maharaj says,
“Non-distinction speaks in silence. Words carry distinctions. The unmanifested…has no name, all names refer to the manifested…. It is useless to struggle with words to express what is beyond words. Consciousness… is spirit…, consciousness is matter…. Imperfect spirit is matter, perfect matter is spirit. In the beginning as in the end, all is one. All division is in the mind…; there is none in reality…. Movement and rest are states of mind and cannot be without their opposites. By itself nothing moves, nothing rests. It is a grievous mistake to attribute to mental constructs absolute existence. Nothing exists by itself.”
“Nothing exists by itself.” Maharaj insists that this worldview is accessible to all those who earnestly seek it. Though his language feels nihilistic at times, Maharaj speaks directly to what Buddhism calls emptiness. “By itself nothing moves, nothing rests. It is a grievous mistake to attribute to mental constructs absolute existence.” This profound understanding of what he calls “reality” speaks to the timeless or the transcendent, but it's also a union because it's a realization wedded with the entire world of form, with the world of samsara. So the whole notion of the nondual traditions is not that we get into a state that is formless, unmanifest cessation, but that that formlessness or that emptiness is one with all forms that is arising moment to moment.
The venerable Buddhist Lama,Tulku Urgyen Rinpoche, states
“We begin with mindfulness, attention; like a herdsman keeping his eye on the herd. At some point mindfulness and awareness (mind essence) are indistinguishable; practice is free of observer and observed. The switch and act of pressing are one. Essence and expression are one. The sun and its light are one. The mind is unconfined empty cognizance, but cognizance grasps at subject and object. Where no duality exists, they apprehend duality. Samsara is the dualistic fixation when there is no recognition of mind essence. Buddha mind is the unity of being empty and cognizant, without fixation. The empty quality of mind essence is like space; the cognizant quality is like sunlight. The unity of these is like sunlit space.”
II
Maharaj speaks of the bliss of nonduality as a “great peace” and its attainment is through giving as opposed to grasping. In Buddhism, grasping is what follows craving, the desire to experience pleasant affects and cease unpleasant ones. Grasping is the attempt to continue what it is we crave until it reaches a cycle (of becoming), which it inevitably does.
Maharaj speaks to how one’s disposition determines her approach to spirituality, whether through the intellect or through direct lovingkindness; but, he warns, nondual awareness is beyond discriminations and classifications. The use of language with regard to spirituality is futile and leads to a kind of solipsism which increasingly distorts what is real. This is the definition of ignorance: perpetuating patterns of belief vis-à-vis karmic traces of previous experience. These traces in memory are left by previous experiences and mold consciousness in certain ways which result in overestimating the attractive or repulsive aspects of phenomena. Distorted perception and conception are habitual and perpetuate reactions to and misinterpretations of events. As Maharaj says, “You begin with an idea and you end with the same idea under a different garb.” This is an accurate psychological description of repetition of old negative relational patterns, beliefs and self-evaluations.
I would suggest that, psychologically, one way to counter this pattern is to relationally cultivate two aspects of understanding: the transferential and the-- let's call it, interpersonal-- the transferential is "this is not about the person I am now addressing" and the interpersonal is "this is about the person I am now addressing." Both of these streams are operating constantly; our job is to distill the transferential in order to see "this, here and now" more clearly. Of course, once you see this, here and now more clearly, you then free yourself up for the third stream, which is emptiness. You could appreciate why this is such a challenge: simultaneously holding up in view three streams.
Maharaj then distinguishes between conventional and ultimate realities, what Buddhism calls emptiness. Again, the only time you feel the bifurcation between Advaita and Buddhism is in that word: One. “In the beginning as in the end, all is one.” However, whether that “One” is dual or nondual is less an issue when listening closely to Maharaj’s view. You can easily translate it to “One fusion of interconnectedness, or dependent origination.”
Witnessing is an experience and rest is freedom from experience. Implicit in this statement is the practice of meditation, for it is only meditation in which this exquisite truth is revealed. “Rest” is sufficiently stilling the mind to the point of dissolution. Dissolution is the antidote to experience, the conceptual mode of human mentation and its by-product, action.
III
Maharaj would agree that we do not live in a pregiven world and there are many different dispositions and perspectives that make up the collective consciousness and therefore one’s approach to the nondual worldview. The many disparate worldviews -- different ways of categorizing, presenting, representing, and organizing our experiences -- reflect the world’s pluralistic interpretations. And yet, all worldviews must, in the end, transform into a nondual vision if the religious quest is to be successful. The simple answer is this: ultimate reality is a union of opposites. There it is, pure and simple. All the problems of this world are based on not understanding this basic truth. As Ken Wilber points out, in the living world there is “the illusion that opposites can and should be separated and isolated from each other.”
I think of the bible as a great historical source for understanding the philosophy of ideas and the evolution of consciousness, particularly regarding the notion of dualism. In the book of Genesis, Adam is asked by God to name the animals and plants. Why? Genesis represents a symmetry break in evolution; that is, consciousness was awakened through mind as self-awareness. Language was born as the seed of the self-reflecting mind. Adam’s task of sorting was, in essence, the creation of boundary, the mental line drawn between inner and outer. Not only did the world exist, but man/woman now knew it existed, which therefore meant the possibility of its (and his/her) non-existence. No longer could a human being, when it is time, walk into the forest, roll up and die. Now, she had the pre-awareness of that death, and so time was born. And a boundary was again created between past and future. And along with time, man was now aware of places outside where he was currently situated, and space was born. Another mental boundary line. And in the naming of animals and plants, the sign and symbol were formed. The boundary lines formed out of mind’s activity activate the dualistic process. A good way to gain a deeper understanding of the concept of duality is by exploring it within the contexts of evolution and history. Evolution will focus on the brain as it shifts from its reptilian beginnings to its highest function as a correlate of mind.
From a biological evolutionary perspective, three million years ago the brain organized itself into a “functional bicameral organ” in order to better organize the world (the right brain mapped space’s three vectors; the left brain mapped time’s three states). Not until Einstein’s profound insights in 1905 did the reflective, dualistic mind begin to realize its universal mind capacity. The universal mind not only knows that it knows, but it also knows everything, everywhere, and anytime. Regarding the notion of dualism, the split between opposites (and space and time) could now be reconciled through the spacetime continuum.
From another perspective, history, we can trace back to ancient Greece, the cornerstone of western civilization, where dualism, as we conceive it, was systemized into a philosophic category (and so a way of thinking). Simply, the early Greeks (and following, Christianity) reduced the myriad number of forms into two (atoms and void/being and non-being), and all other models of thought (e.g., mathematics, aesthetics) were derived from this basic tenet.
In Nisargadatta’s Advaita, for Pure Awareness there is no “Other,” and the transformation of consciousness will most certainly reveal that; in fact, it is the only way to reveal that. Not even my intellectually deconstructive (philosophical) approaches to studying evolution and consciousness could possibly taste the yoga of direct experience, because the verbal mind is just that, verbal, and therefore part of the relative reality of ego.
I am keenly aware that when I talk or write about consciousness, I am merely manipulating linguistic signifiers of surface consciousness and not “experiencing” the deeper spiritual realizations that I speak of. However, as I see it, and with the knowledge of how my brain is wired, intellectual awareness is part of a higher consciousness that, I would like to think, serves as a spiritual compass or marker from which spiritual realization, when it re-enters the manifest reality of this world, can be pointed to. In other words, language and intellectual inquiry, when integrated with the self-awareness of the psychological, and the gnosis of higher levels of spiritual awareness, are vehicles of higher learning. I can only share this insight from my personal experience. My intellectual inquiry into mind continues to help unravel its mysteries and traps, beginning with my own traps that my mind incessantly falls into; my subjectivity itself, for example, the biggest one.
I think what I have found most important in my life inquiry is the awareness that Pure Awareness is not separate from “this world.” In fact, this world is subsumed (included) in Pure Awareness, which ostensibly appears contradictory but, in essence is merely paradoxical. As Ken Wilber states it,
“The distinction is important, because the transrational, transpersonal worldviews are what might be called “spiritual,” yet they bear little relation to the traditional religious worldviews of the magic and mythic spheres. The transrational realms have nothing to do with external gods and goddesses, and everything to do with an interior awareness that plumbs the depths of the psyche. Nothing to do with petitionary prayer and ritual, and everything to do with expanding and clarifying awareness. Nothing to do with dogma and belief, everything to do with cleansing perception. Not everlasting life for the ego, but transcending the ego altogether.”
Transpersonal simply means those realities that include, but go beyond, the personal and the individual – “wider currents that sweep across the skin encapsulated ego and touch other beings, touch the cosmos, touch spirit, touch patterns and places kept secret to those who hug the surfaces and surround themselves with themselves.”
Even when matter (the essence of materialism) creates new forms, it is still matter, residing in the realm of action and reaction, and so is behind the wall of love. Love is always the beyond, even in its seed the fulfillment of love is waiting to grow into itself. But, it first must reach beyond the ignorance of knowledge, the ruse of image. And it takes diligence (to dispatch, move beyond) and earnestness (which suggests a pledge, a commitment) to break down the wall, to break through our own resistance of self-concealment. When we have been hurt, or the passion of our autonomy-strivings has been oppressed or subdued, we get stuck in mind’s self-protective contractions of thought, which take the form of identity. Identity (from the Latin idem, the same) is the tendency to find what is permanent and perfect; that is, the same, and so the same state of the body, the same state of the mind. This is the spin cycle of mind seeking sameness (pattern), and knowledge and thought replicate that form by their very nature. Mind is about survival, and the wall of thought cannot therefore give in to the freedom of love. It wants to continue the pattern of conditioning, of habit.
So, how to overcome the matter of mind? This is the paradox. That the same mind that gets stuck in thought patterns also contains the seed of its own telos, of Consciousness. The challenge is to transcend the interval between love and the listener, and so reach the beauty of listening. Listening is the taste of the lover who has already reached love, and who wants to share the fruit of its realization, a realization that is even beyond creation! Creation is still of this world, because it is an act and thus governed by the laws of action and reaction. Realization is the Emptiness from which concepts of even God dissolve in the cup of its hand. It is beyond mind, though mind is needed to reach it. And so listening is the absorption of the listener from which freedom can be known. Is this not the ultimate love? Is this not true devotion?
This is where love resides, always and forever. As the poet Kahlill Kibran shares, Yet the timeless in you is aware of life's timelessness,/And knows that yesterday is but today's memory and tomorrow is today's dream…. And that that which sings and contemplates in you is still dwelling within the bounds of that first moment which scattered the stars into space
“Page 125, please” (`I AM THAT’)
Do not Undervalue Attention
Q: How does the personal emerge from the impersonal?
M: The two are but aspects of one Reality. It is not correct to talk of one preceding the other. All these ideas belong to the waking state.
Q: What brings in the waking state?
M: At the root of all creation lies desire. Desire and imagination foster and reinforce each other. The fourth state (turiya) is a state of pure witnessing, detached awareness, passionless and wordless. It is like space, unaffected by whatever it contains. Bodily and mental troubles do not reach it -- they are outside, 'there', while the witness is always 'here'.
Q: What is real, the subjective or the objective? I am inclined to believe that the objective universe is the real one and my subjective psyche is changeful and transient. You seem to claim reality for your inner, subjective states and deny all reality to the concrete, external world.
M: Both the subjective and the objective are changeful and transient. There is nothing real about them. Find the permanent in the fleeting, the one constant factor in every experience.
Q: What is this constant factor?
M: My giving it various names and pointing it out in many ways will not help you much, unless you have the capacity to see. A dim-sighted man will not see the parrot on the branch of a tree, however much you may prompt him to look. At best he will see your pointed finger. First purify your vision, learn to see instead of staring, and you will perceive the parrot. Also you must be eager to see. You need both clarity and earnestness for self-knowledge. You need maturity of heart and mind, which comes through earnest application in daily life of whatever little you have understood. There is no such thing as compromise in Yoga.
If you want to sin, sin wholeheartedly and openly. Sins too have their lessons to teach the earnest sinner, as virtues -- the earnest saint. It is the mixing up the two that is so disastrous. Nothing can block you so effectively as compromise, for it shows lack of earnestness, without which nothing can be done.
Q: I approve of austerity, but in practice I am all for luxury. The habit of chasing pleasure and shunning pain is so ingrained in me, that all my good intentions, quite alive on the level of theory, find no roots in my day-to-day life. To tell me that I am not honest does not help me, for I just do not know how to make myself honest.
M: You are neither honest nor dishonest -- giving names to mental states is good only for expressing your approval or disapproval. The problem is not yours -- it is your mind's only. Begin by disassociating yourself from your mind. Resolutely remind yourself that you are not the mind and that its problems are not yours.
Q: I may go on telling myself: 'I am not the mind, I am not concerned with its problems,' but the mind remains and its problems remain just as they were. Now, please do not tell me that it is because I am not earnest enough and I should be more earnest! I know it and admit it and only ask you -- how is it done?
M: At least you are asking! Good enough, for a start. Go on pondering, wondering, being anxious to find a way. Be conscious of yourself, watch your mind, give it your full attention. Don't look for quick results; there may be none within your noticing. Unknown to you, your psyche will undergo a change, there will be more clarity in your thinking, charity in your feeling, purity in your behaviour. You need not aim at these -- you will witness the change all the same. For, what you are now is the result of inattention and what you become will be the fruit of attention.
Q: Why should mere attention make all the difference?
M: So far your life was dark and restless (tamas and rajas). Attention, alertness, awareness, clarity, liveliness, vitality, are all manifestations of integrity, oneness with your true nature (sattva). It is in the nature of sattva to reconcile and neutralise tamas and rajas and rebuild the personality in accordance with the true nature of the self. Sattva is the faithful servant of the self; ever attentive and obedient.
Q: And I shall come to it through mere attention?
M: Do not undervalue attention. It means interest and also love. To know, to do, to discover, or to create you must give your heart to it -- which means attention. All the blessings flow from it.
Q: You advise us to concentrate on 'I am'. Is this too a form of attention?
M: What else? Give your undivided attention to the most important in your life -- yourself. Of your personal universe you are the centre -- without knowing the centre what else can you know?
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In this beautiful excerpt, Maharaj again emphasizes the “way” to an enlightened state, and it is not a coincidence that the way is rooted in the psychological, that is, in mental factors associated with mind that represent the scaffolding of spiritual development. To strengthen the mind is to potentially free consciousness from mind’s afflictive dispositions. When the veil of fear is lifted, all will be revealed. And that “all” is pure light and love.
These mental factors begin with intention, what Maharaj calls desire or earnestness. Yet, to give your heart to this enduring trait of higher awareness requires other factors, too. “Attention, alertness, awareness, clarity, liveliness, vitality, are all manifestations of integrity, oneness with your true nature (sattva).” In Buddhist phenomenology, within the 12 limbs of human functioning, is the person (limb 4) and included are the mental factors. Mental factors are aspects of cognition that control how perception and conception (including emotions) are constructed to form what we think is reality, but what really is the reality of appearance, not the ultimate reality of emptiness. Maharaj’s “impersonal” and “Reality” are merely names for the enlightened state of awareness.
When Maharaj mentions “two aspects of one reality,” he means conventional (the ordinary, everyday world of appearance) and ultimate realities. Notice that he refers to stages of increased awareness as “states.” This is the evolution of consciousness as recapitulated in individual development. In the same way we develop cognitively and psychologically, we can also develop spiritually. `I Am That’ is in fact a treatise on spiritual development and Maharaj, on every page, explains the way to embark on this religious or spiritual quest.
In the fourth stage (“the fourth state (turiya)”), the mental factors support “pure witnessing, detached awareness, passionless and wordless. It is like space, unaffected by whatever it contains. Bodily and mental troubles do not reach it -- they are outside, 'there', while the witness is always 'here.'” The “witness” is that level of awareness from which one can experience the “permanent in the fleeting,” distilling from everyday conventional consciousness that which is permanent. I will not go further into here, but that word, “permanent,” is tricky when comparing Advaita and Buddhist cosmology. Buddhism, at least the Middle Way, might argue that there is no intrinsic nature in phenomena, that is, no independent permanent existence. But, here, we are speaking of That which transcends existence, the Ground from which existence emerges. Now this is tricky because we have always said that emptiness is empty, too. If emptiness is empty, how can it be permanent? This is where language gets in the way and is very sticky. The Dalai Lama says in his `Essence of the Heart Sutra,’ that “all composite phenomena are impermanent.” Emptiness would be designated as a phenomenon as is constructed in mind. And so, it has no intrinsic existence; however, the nonconceptual ground from which mind emerges, as such, could be said to be permanent. And this ground, this emptiness, this Pure Awareness is what Maharaj refers to when he says: “Find the permanent in the fleeting, the one constant factor in every experience.” In his `Answers: Discussions with Western Buddhists,’ the Dalai Lama distinguishes between composite, or atmospheric space (which is impermanent) and non-composite space (which is permanent), which he defines as the “actual absence, or emptiness of material substance; it is the absence of obstruction and tangibility ; it is the absence of material impediment; a kind of emptiness.” P. 20.
OM, A QUESTION REGARDING YOUR LAST POST (P. 125)
In your last post, you wrote,
“Emptiness would be designated as a phenomenon as it is constructed in mind. And so, it has no intrinsic existence; however, the nonconceptual ground from which mind emerges, as such, could be said to be permanent. And this ground, this emptiness, this Pure Awareness is what Maharaj refers to when he says: “Find the permanent in the fleeting, the one constant factor in every experience.”
I can see Maharaj’s orientation toward the “permanent” when describing Consciousness. This seems to be the Advaitic leaning toward Brahman, which he defines as “the Absolute, the Ultimate Reality, whose characteristics are – absolute existence, absolute consciousness and absolute bliss.” But, from my understanding, at least in the Buddhist Madhyamaka (Middle Path) school of Mahāyāna Buddhism, emptiness cannot be permanent. A permanent phenomenon means something that never changes and that it is never produced by something else. Emptiness by its very nature changes and so cannot be permanent. Further, emptiness has no inherent existence and so is itself empty. This is the emptiness of emptiness. As Jay Garfield says in his `The Fundamental Wisdom of the Middle Way,’ “For the emptiness of emptiness… simply amounts to the identification of the property of being dependently arisen and with the property of having an identity just in virtue of conventional, verbal designation.” P. 318.
RESPONSE TO OM’S QUESTION
The fact that emptiness does not exist as a separate entity from its specific instances and is always existent because there is never a moment when there is no instance of emptiness, it would seem as if it could be designated as permanent. Some commentators say that emptiness, though lacking inherent existence, is the permanent and unchanging nature of reality. I am reminded of the Dalai Lama’s commentary on Consciousness. He says, “Consciousness is eternal. Its continuity never ceases. But it is not permanent. Permanence refers to the fact that something does not change from moment to moment. And this, of course, consciousness does so. It is impermanent in this sense, but it is still eternal. The continuity of the moments never cease. `Answers,’ p 85.
It seems as if permanent phenomena, like emptiness and non-composite space, do exist, though still adhering to Nagarjuna’s argument regarding the non-inherent existence of all phenomena. Despite the permanence and universality of emptiness, Ultimate Truth is not inherently existing. As another author states it, “Rather, emptiness is formulated within the doctrine of the two truths wherein there are two complementary views of phenomena, one ultimate, where all is empty, and the other conventional, where objects have an existence, functionality, and efficiency in the realm of everyday action. All phenomena or objects of knowledge are included within the two truths.”
Response to Om and Om
Om, thanks for your thread on 'I Am That'
I am here on a perch reading along with you all. This topic and these passages sometimes exhilarate me and sometimes are too far from my current reality and thus intimidate me. But every time I come, if even for 5 minutes and let them seep in they enrich my life. I have so much to say and a few questions to ask, just need to clear a path through my processing and the piles of 'stuff' in my life. In the meantime, I am thinking of all of you with love.
response to Sri Maharaj Om
Hello there, Om. I am very happy to be reading all of these posts of yours at this point in my adventure. I've come to realize that I frequently tend to read things -- posts, books, emails, etc -- exactly when I need to; I've also come to realize that I frequently "just happen" to read things exactly when I need to because when I read them, I take them personally. Sometimes I'll go back and read old emails, old posts, books I've read earlier in my life... each time I will finish the reading and say, "Gosh -- that is exactly what I needed to read right now." I will recall everything I got from it the first time around, and see all of my growth reflected in the great luminosity beaming far beyond that limited first reading, and, further, have a glimpse of all that I have yet to realize, all that has yet to be revealed.
So, for example, I read about your friend who suffers from anger just now. There have been many road bumps on my trip thus far, and I have been frustrated and angry a few times, but what I have done with these feelings is what is important, and it has become even clearer in the context of your post. When I have struggled on trips in the past, I have always isolated myself, paralyzed myself, and struggled to make a decision. Eventually I would make the decision to come home -- and though I may have missed out on much, the fact of making a decision based on my needs -- rather than on some bullshit logic that dismisses them (well, i came all this way; i paid for it; don't be a baby; etc) -- has always proved the right decision. But I've also known all this time that there must be a better way of responding to these feelings. When I went to Spain last summer I struggled much less. I ran up against a few familiar speed bumps and doubted myself a bit, but I committed myself to each juncture in my trip (three days each in four cities) and with each restatement of my commitment, found myself satisfied. Still, I left myself a little bit isolated out there -- not alone, but isolated.
Now here I am in Pharping, Nepal. I volunteered my services, and, in fact, paid my organization far more than would be necessary to cover my costs of living -- but, no one seems to need my services. Every piece of information I have been given has either been unclear or, if clear, incorrect. Each person on whom I was asked to rely has disappointed me and failed to show up. Every day I have had a good reason to say, "Tomorrow things will finally get rolling and I will begin my volunteering," and every day I have been disappointed.
The students and monks and nuns are on holiday this week, so there are no classes. Next week I am going on a trip to other parts of the country. Had the man in charge of the organization told me the students would be on holiday, wouldn't it have made more sense for me to book my trip for this week, since they're on holiday this week anyway? But unfortunately, like everything else, I was left ignorant of this simple fact. There are several other volunteers in Nepal and even a few others in Pharping, but everyone other than me and Raissa -- the volunteer who is here for nearly the same time I am -- is out of town for the week because the kids are on holiday. You can see the simple sort of failure to communicate that has bogged down my "volunteer" experience. Two days ago I went to a nun's school, but could see that they have no need for me and, in fact, were quite disinterested in me -- they have 8 full-time paid teachers for about 50 students. I was supposed to go and hang out there yesterday, but the coordinator did not go in that day (not sure why not).
What I have noticed with the most excitement is not the consistency with which I have been disappointed -- in fact, I am used to this -- what I have noticed with excitement is that while I have gotten frustrated and angry, I have also gotten excited about the opportunity. I have been practicing quite a bit. I see this as such a great opportunity to make a decision, and to make one with a more complete response to my feelings and needs than I have ever been capable of before. I do not have to ignore the anger, the frustration, the fear... I can feel those, hold onto those, and follow all the other feelings I've got as well and just, moment by moment, decide. I have hardly felt paralyzed at all! My intention and attention -- still bogged down by my unconscious loyalty to "perpetuating patterns of belief vis-á-vis karmic traces of previous experience" -- have become much more refined, and are serving me well. Maharaj is correct, the results are difficult to notice at first, but the change occurs nonetheless when intention and attention are exercised. The world is open before me, and I am not restrained by others' failures to show up. Some of my anger and frustration is about them, but that anger and frustration does not limit me from making a decision, it only enables me to more clearly recognize the nature of the relationship, and to thus respond. Some of my struggle is not about them, and I must care for myself in that way, to observe where my energy is focused and keep myself from "blaming." Finally, there is emptiness, which, of course, is not separate from these two streams; in a way, I am emptiness: I am that relationship between these two other streams. Without me, these two streams could not be; with me, they must. Thus there is no need to affirm their reality, and no need to deny their existence. And so I do what I need to do: I decide.
“Page 221, please” (`I AM THAT’)
Awareness is Free
Q: As I can make out, you give distinct meanings to the words 'mind', 'consciousness', and 'awareness'.
M: Look at it this way. The mind produces thoughts ceaselessly, even when you do not look at them. When you know what is going on in your mind, you call it consciousness. This is your waking state -- your consciousness shifts from sensation to sensation, from perception to perception, from idea to idea, in endless succession. Then comes awareness, the direct insight into the whole of consciousness, the totality of the mind. The mind is like a river, flowing ceaselessly in the bed of the body; you identify yourself for a moment with some particular ripple and call it: 'my thought'. All you are conscious of is your mind; awareness is the cognizance of consciousness as a whole.
Q: Everybody is conscious, but not everybody is aware.
M: Don't say: 'everybody is conscious'. Say: 'there is consciousness', in which everything appears and disappears. Our minds are just waves on the ocean of consciousness. As waves they come and go. As ocean they are infinite and eternal. Know yourself as the ocean of being, the womb of all existence. These are all metaphors of course; the reality is beyond description. You can know it only by being it.
Q: Is the search for it worth the trouble?
M: Without it all is trouble. If you want to live sanely, creatively and happily and have infinite riches to share, search for what you are.
While the mind is centered in the body and consciousness is centered in the mind, awareness is free. The body has its urges and mind its pains and pleasures. Awareness is unattached and unshaken. It is lucid, silent, peaceful, alert and unafraid, without desire and fear. Meditate on it as your true being and try to be it in your daily life, and you shall realize it in its fullness.
Mind is interested in what happens, while awareness is interested in the mind itself. The child is after the toy, but the mother watches the child, not the toy.
By looking tirelessly, I became quite empty and with that emptiness all came back to me except the mind. I find I have lost the mind irretrievably.
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I must say, this particular page rocks me. There is a precision in the language and thus the clarity of insight. How Maharaj distinguishes between `mind,’ `consciousness’ and ‘awareness’ is just the most delicious. And how compatible it is with our close readings by the Dalai Lama on consciousness, mind and awareness. Again, you can see the developmental, the hierarchal structure as mind metaphorically emerges out of body and consciousness emerges out of mind and awareness emerges out of consciousness, all transcending but including the previous levels of being. “While the mind is centered in the body and consciousness is centered in the mind, awareness is free. The body has its urges and mind its pains and pleasures. Awareness is unattached and unshaken. It is lucid, silent, peaceful, alert and unafraid, without desire and fear.”
I particularly love Maharaj’s description of mind: “The mind produces thoughts ceaselessly, even when you do not look at them. When you know what is going on in your mind, you call it consciousness. This is your waking state -- your consciousness shifts from sensation to sensation, from perception to perception, from idea to idea, in endless succession.” Remember, yesterday I mentioned that consciousness is eternal but not permanent because it is always changing. As the Dalai Lama says, “consciousness is that which knows…. Consciousness is that phenomenon which engages in the action of “knowing.” Consciousness is what belongs to and used by the self, in the conventional sense, but IS NOT the self. When one reaches Buddhahood, it is individual consciousness that becomes enlightened, all-knowing, but still remains an individual thing. Again, the Dalai Lama says in `Answers,’ The internal, or inner guru is the innermost subtle consciousness of the guru. Now, that innermost subtle consciousness which your guru has is exactly similar to the innermost subtle consciousness you yourself have…. The guru, who is in effect using his subtle consciousness in his practice, is actually experiencing it with awareness, so that the consciousness becomes a form of wisdom.” P. 57.
Remember, wisdom refers to the ultimate nature of reality, which is emptiness. The ultimate is the innermost subtle consciousness, what the Madhyamaka school calls Rigpa (as opposed to gross levels of consciousness, which are dependent on the physical sphere). I have always understood Rigpa as Pure Awareness, the union of emptiness and cognizance (the nature of knowing). In Dalai Lama’s words, Rigpa is the innermost subtle consciousness and of the nature of knowing. “The basic nature of knowing thus comes from, or is due to, the existence of the subtle consciousness.” P. 59.
Mind is behind every life experience and determines the way we see the world vis-à-vis mental consciousness or cognition. All Buddhist doctrine is situated squarely within the mind as the vehicle for the progressive unfoldment of a single truth about existence. And, of course, the exploration of mental processes is the handmaiden in the psychoanalytic inquiry of self. This inquiry, when expanded and extended by Buddhist philosophy and Advaitic truths, becomes a powerful Middle Path hybrid. To borrow Maharaj’s words, “Without it all is trouble. If you want to live sanely, creatively and happily and have infinite riches to share, search for what you are.” For me, this vehicle will hopefully one day become vintage.
“Page 71, please” (`I AM THAT’) Is it wrong to lie?
Who Am I?
Q: Everybody wants to live, to exist. Is it not self-love?
M: All desire has its source in the self. It is all a matter of choosing the right desire.
Q: What is right and what is wrong varies with habit and custom. Standards vary with societies.
M: Discard all traditional standards. Leave them to the hypocrites. Only what liberates you from desire and fear and wrong ideas is good. As long as you worry about sin and virtue you will have no peace.
Q: I grant that sin and virtue are social norms. But there may be also spiritual sins and virtues. I mean by spiritual the absolute. Is there such a thing as absolute sin or absolute virtue?
M: Sin and virtue refer to a person only. Without a sinful or virtuous person what is sin or virtue? At the level of the absolute there are no persons; the ocean of pure awareness is neither virtuous nor sinful. Sin and virtue are invariably relative.
Q: Can I do away with such unnecessary notions?
M: Not as long as you think yourself to be a person.
Q: By what sign shall l know that I am beyond sin and virtue?
M: By being free from all desire and fear, from the very idea of being a person. To nourish the ideas: 'I am a sinner' 'I am not a sinner', is sin. To identify oneself with the particular is all the sin there is. The impersonal is real, the personal appears and disappears. 'I am' is the impersonal Being. 'I am this' is the person. The person is relative and the pure Being -- fundamental.
Q: Surely pure Being is not unconscious, nor is it devoid of discrimination. How can it be beyond sin and virtue? Just tell us, please, has it intelligence or not?
M: All these questions arise from your believing yourself to be a person. Go beyond the personal and see.
Q: What exactly do you mean when you ask me to stop being a person?
M: I do not ask you to stop being -- that you cannot. I ask you only to stop imagining that you were born, have parents, are a body, will die and so on. Just try, make a beginning -- it is not as hard as you think.
Q: To think oneself as the personal is the sin of the impersonal.
M: Again the personal point of view! Why do you insist on polluting the impersonal with your ideas of sin and virtue? It just does not apply. The impersonal cannot be described in terms of good and bad. It is Being -- Wisdom -- Love -- all absolute. Where is the scope for sin there? And virtue is only the opposite of sin.
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Another beauty, indeed. My friend is a real picker, or was that a pickle? “Discard all traditional standards. Leave them to the hypocrites. Only what liberates you from desire and fear and wrong ideas is good. As long as you worry about sin and virtue you will have no peace.” How subtle the deep internalized societal standards that shape our thoughts and actions. Is this right? Is this wrong? Am I a bad person? Am I a good person? These types of questions, Maharaj reminds us, are absurd in light of seeking higher awareness (perspective/compassion), higher knowledge (wisdom). He calls this the “personal point of view” that “pollutes” the impersonal. The impersonal is 'I am,' what Eckhart Tolle refers to as “Being.” “The person is relative and the pure Being – fundamental,” Maharaj reminds us. “Sin and virtue refer to a person only.” Think of emptiness here, the no-self one discovers when realizing that there is no inherent existence, only the vast web of interconnectedness. As Thay says, “empty of what?” Empty of independent, permanent existence. All the masters speak to this fundamental emptiness, irrespective of the changing metaphors. It’s all the same. The deep wisdom and love that emerge with the awareness that goes beyond the singular human being, beyond the personal. Stop taking things personally. The personal is only relative (and has its roots in our relatives!!!). You are stuck in your thoughts, so you need to use the same mind that obsesses to imagine what is there beyond your small and confining view. There is only freedom, only love, only peace.
“Page 13, please” (`I AM THAT’) MEDITATION
Meditation
Questioner: All teachers advise to meditate. What is the purpose of meditation?
Maharaj: We know the outer world of sensations and actions, but of our inner world of thoughts and feelings we know very little. The primary purpose of meditation is to become conscious of, and familiar with, our inner life. The ultimate purpose is to reach the source of life and consciousness. Incidentally practice of meditation affects deeply our character. We are slaves to what we do not know; of what we know we are masters. Whatever vice or weakness in ourselves we discover and
understand its causes and its workings, we overcome it by the very knowing; the unconscious dissolves when brought into the conscious. The dissolution of the unconscious releases energy; the mind feels adequate and become quiet.
Q: What is the use of a quiet mind?
M: When the mind is quiet, we come to know ourselves as the pure witness. We withdraw from the experience and its experiencer and stand apart in pure awareness, which is between and beyond the two. The personality, based on self-identification, on imagining oneself to be something: 'I am this, I am that', continues, but only as a part of the objective world. Its identification with the witness snaps.
Q: As I can make out, I live on many levels and life on each level requires energy. The self by its very nature delights in everything and its energies flow outwards. Is it not the purpose of meditation to dam up the energies on the higher levels, or to push them back and up, so as to enable the higher levels to prosper also?
M: It is not so much the matter of levels as of gunas (qualities). Meditation is a sattvic activity and aims at complete elimination of tamas (inertia) and rajas (motivity). Pure sattva (harmony) is perfect freedom from sloth and restlessness.
Q: How to strengthen and purify the sattva?
M: The sattva is pure and strong always. It is like the sun. It may seem obscured by clouds and dust, but only from the point of view of the perceiver. Deal with the causes of obscuration, not with the sun.
Q: What is the use of sattva?
M: What is the use of truth, goodness, harmony, beauty? They are their own goal. They manifest spontaneously and effortlessly, when things are left to themselves, are not interfered with, not shunned, or wanted, or conceptualised, but just experienced in full awareness, such awareness itself is sattva. It does not make use of things and people -- it fulfils them.
Q: Since I cannot improve sattva, am I to deal with tamas and rajas only? How can I deal with them?
M: By watching their influence in you and on you. Be aware of them in operation, watch their expressions in your thoughts, words and deeds, and gradually their grip on you will lessen and the clear light of sattva will emerge. It is neither difficult, nor a protracted process; earnestness is the only condition of success.
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If I am attached to something, it’s probably meditation. No experience I have ever had brings me to such heights, heights that spear up beyond language and even experience itself. And, paradoxically, no experience has made living in the world so comprehensible, meaningful and purposeful. Interestingly, Maharaj first focuses on the psychological when discussing meditation. “We know the outer world of sensations and actions, but of our inner world of thoughts and feelings we know very little. The primary purpose of meditation is to become conscious of, and familiar with, our inner life.” This “primary purpose,” however, as expressed here is overreaching. I do not believe that meditation alone will help us with our thoughts and feelings, though, through its stabilizing function, will make us aware that we have an inner life of feelings and thoughts. Nor will Buddhism’s analytic meditation give us a greater understanding of the internalization process of the unconscious and the ways it governs and shapes our belief systems. Analytic meditation can, however, give us a greater understanding of how the unconscious governs and shapes our belief systems. I have argued that Buddhism, and here, Maharaj’s Yoga, underestimate the unconscious process of personality development, self-construction and relational dynamics, particularly for the Westerner. But, when it comes to the ultimate purpose of meditation, “to reach the source of life and consciousness,” and the dissolution of the unconscious “when brought into the conscious,” I believe that meditation is the ultimate method.
Even deep prayer will not still the mind enough to reveal the ultimate nature of reality, though it will generate some powerful realization energy and bliss. And this is true because, in meditation, “When the mind is quiet, we come to know ourselves as the pure witness. We withdraw from the experience and its experiencer and stand apart in pure awareness, which is between and beyond the two. The personality, based on self-identification, on imagining oneself to be something: 'I am this, I am that', continues, but only as a part of the objective world. Its identification with the witness snaps.” This is the most magical aspect of meditation, revealing, through mind’s stillness, the “pure witness” that, until that moment, remained concealed beneath the chatter and inconsequential bickerings of ordinary consciousness. This is mind’s conventional dualistic state of object and subject, experience and experiencer.
Then like the questioner, you might ask, What is the use of awareness? And Maharaj might answer, It is its own goal….It does not make use of things and people -- it fulfills them.” To fulfill means to bring something to its highest potential, which is always about deepening awareness. Of course, things can never be aware, but things are part or reflect the evolutionary process, the apex of which meditation reveals, reveals, that is, through intention and protracted earnestness.
OM, QUESTION ON YOUR POST, MEDITATION
I appreciate your questions regarding whether “Buddhism, and here, Maharaj’s Yoga, underestimate the unconscious process of personality development, self-construction and relational dynamics, particularly for the Westerner.” I’m not sure I agree with you. To be honest, I am wondering whether the limitation is not so much the Buddhist system of inquiry and methodology but rather 1) how it has been appropriated in the West, and 2) how fully committed a practitioner is. I wonder, for example, if Buddhist meditation practice (or any meditation practice, for that matter) was introduced in childhood whether the pathologies and dysfunctions we see in our society and culture would be mitigated. I think this is an important point because you seem to be questioning the system of inquiry rather then how that system has been appropriated.
THE WAY OR THE WAYFARER: RESPONSE TO OM
Om, thank you for pointing out this important distinction between the system of practices and the practitioners. I have to say, in all my readings on particularly Buddhist practice (including the psychiatrist, Mark Epstein’s work) I still feel this lacuna of understanding regarding these particular phenomena -- personality development, self-construction and relational dynamics. I have also observed it directly in my retreat and group teaching experiences, as well as, conversations with many Buddhists. It’s one of those things both glaring and you can’t quite put your finger on it at the same time. I’ve also observed a number of Eastern practitioners, particularly Tibetans, who feel to me more aligned with the Buddhist system inquiry and practice. And if my observations are correct, it might speak to a cultural dissonance or misunderstanding of Buddhist teachings. I recall Ken Wilber and Andrew Cohen’s dialogue regarding how the narcissism of our culture perverts spiritual teachings basically because of what Buddhism refers to as self-cherishing. What it comes down to is this persistent belief and preoccupation with self-centered existence. I would like to see more literature and dialogue on this.
Om,
what do you mean by self-cherishing and how is it related to what you claim as Buddhism's underemphasizing in our culture?
NADINE AND SELF-CHERISHING
Nadine, I’ve been thinking more about this over the past few days and am appreciating both the great divide between the Eastern and Western mind and resistance particularly our American culture would have in giving up the craving, grasping conventional self as existing as an independent, permanent entity. The sense of “I or self” is so deeply rooted and embedded in our cultural collective consciousness that I better appreciate the seemingly insuperable obstacles deeper Buddhistic teachings have in changing the American mind. In fundamental ways, the collective mind is way more powerful than individual consciousness. All the cultural artifacts, such as language itself, political ideologies, economic policies, education, media, entertainment machines, etc.,
foster and perpetuate self-cherishing. Our culture in particular has what I call an anti-depth psychology and materialism and consumerism undermine the basic religious or spiritual quest: to go inside to receive truth, meaning and happiness. The moment feelings and emotions are rejected or dismissed is the moment of annihilation of the self. So many of my new friends, for example, gifted and even organically seeking individuals, when I ask, have great difficulty identifying and naming their feelings. How is this possible? The primary and most prominent mode of relating, at birth – emotional responsivity – is somehow thwarted over a relatively brief period of time. Can you see how the cultural materialism machine works to impair this most vital function for inward seeking and intimacy? When you dissociate thought from feeling, you have an impaired individual, a spiritually vacuous consciousness. But, what does this have to do with “self-cherishing”?
The Buddhist philosophical formulation of no-self, dependent origination or emptiness is very much developmental or a stage-oriented process of enlightenment. Its fundamental linguistic mechanism of knowing is paradox. Before an understanding of the ultimate nature of reality is realized, the practitioner or student must first have an in depth understanding of 1) how the mind perceives and conceives, and 2) how the dualistic conventional mind IS UNABLE TO distinguish between the “conventional I” and the “I” or “self” which is to be refuted. You see how confusing this sounds? Essentially, the Buddha spoke about an “I” in order to refute its non-existence. In reality, the self is devoid of self-existence but it is impossible to speak of and therefore understand the non-existent self without establishing these two categories.
To understand that the conventional “I” or “self” does not exist on its own nor can it be its own cause is the essence of Buddha’s realization. With this understanding of dependent origination (the co-arising of phenomena), learning how we as individuals suffer vis-à-vis the belief in self-existence AS REAL and the afflictive emotions that bind that perception, will in fact free us from suffering. The self-cherishing I mentioned is part of that two-pronged event of craving and grasping. According to my friend, Ross Komiko, “craving arises in dependence on contact and grasping arises in dependence on craving. We crave pleasant sense experiences and grasp after their continuation, while we crave the cessation of pain and grasp after its cessation. This cycle of grasping after the transitory is the nature of our existence.” And so, the self-cherishing is the persistent belief in self-existence that perpetuates craving and grasping after the continuation of specific sense experiences, which we either immediately experience as pleasure or, as a secondary gain, have the hope that the pleasure will come. For example, we often seek out or remain in unhealthy relationships, which are painful, with the hope that through mastery we will find happiness. In this paradoxical way, pain is interpreted as a source of pleasure.
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“Page 2, please” (`I AM THAT’) THE SENSE OF `I AM'
The Sense of ‘I am’
Questioner: It is a matter of daily experience that on waking up the world suddenly appears. Where does it come from?
Maharaj: Before anything can come into being there must be somebody to whom it comes. All appearance and disappearance presupposes a change against some changeless background.
Q: Before waking up I was unconscious.
M: In what sense? Having forgotten, or not having experienced? Don’t you experience even when unconscious? Can you exist without knowing? A lapse in memory: is it a proof of non-existence? And can you validly talk about your own non-existence as an actual experience? You cannot even say that your mind did not exist. Did you not wake up on being called? And on waking up, was it not the sense ‘I am’ that came first? Some seed consciousness must be existing even during sleep, or swoon. On waking up the experience runs: ‘I am -- the body -- in the world.’ It may appear to arise in succession but in fact it is all simultaneous, a single idea of having a body in a world. Can there be the sense of ‘I am’ without being somebody or other?
Q: I am always somebody with its memories and habits. I know no other ‘I am’.
M: Maybe something prevents you from knowing? When you do not know something which others know, what do you do?
Q: I seek the source of their knowledge under their instruction.
M: Is it not important to you to know whether you are a mere body, or something else? Or, maybe nothing at all? Don’t you see that all your problems are your body’s problems -- food, clothing, shelter, family, friends, name, fame, security, survival -- all these lose their meaning the moment you realize that you may not be a mere body.
Q: What benefit is there in knowing that I am not the body?
M: Even to say that you are not the body is not quite true. In a way you are all the bodies, hearts and minds and much more. Go deep into the sense of ‘I am’ and you will find. How do you find a thing you have mislaid or forgotten? You keep it in your mind until you recall it. The sense of being, of 'I am' is the first to emerge. Ask yourself whence it comes, or just watch it quietly. When the mind stays in the 'I am' without moving, you enter a state which cannot be verbalized but can be experienced. All you need to do is try and try again. After all the sense ‘I am’ is always with you, only you have attached all kinds of things to it -- body, feelings, thoughts, ideas, possessions etc. All these self-identifications are misleading. Because of them you take yourself to be what you are not.
Q: Then what am I?
M: It is enough to know what you are not. You need not know what you are. For as long as knowledge means description in terms of what is already known, perceptual, or conceptual, there can be no such thing as self-knowledge, for what you are cannot be described, except as except as total negation. All you can say is: ‘I am not this, I am not that’. You cannot meaningfully say ‘this is what I am’. It just makes no sense. What you can point out as 'this' or 'that' cannot be yourself. Surely, you can not be 'something' else. You are nothing perceivable, or imaginable. Yet, without you there can be neither perception nor imagination. You observe the heart feeling, the mind thinking, the body acting; the very act of perceiving shows that you are not what you perceive. Can there be perception, experience without you? An experience must ‘belong'. Somebody must come and declare it as his own. Without an experiencer the experience is not real. It is the experiencer that imparts reality to experience. An experience which you cannot have, of what value is it to you?
Q: The sense of being an experiencer, the sense of ‘I am’, is it not also an experience?
M: Obviously, every thing experienced is an experience. And in every experience there arises the experiencer of it. Memory creates the illusion of continuity. In reality each experience has its own experiencer and the sense of identity is due to the common factor at the root of all experiencer-experience relations. Identity and continuity are not the same. Just as each flower has its own colour, but all colours are caused by the same light, so do many experiences appear in the undivided and indivisible awareness, each separate in memory, identical in essence. This essence is the root, the foundation, the timeless and spaceless 'possibility' of all experience.
Q: How do I get at it?
M: You need not get at it, for you are it. It will get at you, if you give it a chance. Let go your attachment to the unreal and the real will swiftly and smoothly step into its own. Stop imagining yourself being or doing this or that and the realization that you are the source and heart of all will dawn upon you. With this will come great love which is not choice or predilection, nor attachment, but a power which makes all things love-worthy and lovable.
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“Before anything can come into being there must be somebody to whom it comes.”
Notice how Maharaj refers to dependent origination, individual consciousness and the twelve limbs I referred to in a previous post. So we have the co-arising (dependent origination) of subject and object as contact, “the coming together of an object of perception, a sense organ, and consciousness.” As Matthieu Ricard says, “If you think about it, it is interdependence that allows reality to appear. This is true because, if things existed independently, nothing could act on anything else, or be acted on itself. For the world to appear, interdependence is necessary. Everything is dependent on everything else.”
And Maharaj follows, “All appearance and disappearance presupposes a change against some changeless background.” “Any given thing in our world can appear only because it’s connected, conditioned and in turn conditioning, co-present and cooperating in constant transformation [impermanence].” But, what is this changeless background that Maharaj speaks of? He calls it the “seed of consciousness,” “I am, “timeless being,” or what Buddhism calls Pure Awareness, the highest cognizance from which to truly understand the ultimate nature of reality, which is empty of inherent existence.
Listen carefully to the questioner and the question. Let your empathy be at its highest when listening to someone. Listen for that space of perspective or awareness from which they speak and understand reality. This speaker is struggling with Mahraj’s nondual worldview because he cannot see beyond his individual conventional existence. He says, “I am always somebody with its memories and habits. I know no other ‘I am’.” (Memory creates the illusion of continuity. In reality each experience has its own experiencer and the sense of identity is due to the common factor at the root of all experiencer-experience relations. Identity and continuity are not the same. Just as each flower has its own colour, but all colours are caused by the same light, so do many experiences appear in the undivided and indivisible awareness, each separate in memory, identical in essence.)
And Maharaj attempts to convey the limits of mind’s dualistic nature, which causes one to stay “stuck” in the reification of body. This was Freud’s problem, too, as I mentioned yesterday, the biology of instincts and drives determining one’s fate. But, Maharaj insists that “all these lose their meaning the moment you realize that you may not be a mere body.” He;s not saying that you are not a body, for that would be nihilistic. He’s saying that you are not “merely” a body. You are in fact empty of inherent existence. The body is empty of a separate existence, and thus contains within it all material and non-material phenomena. No consciousness, no body, no body, no consciousness; no Pure Awareness, no individual consciousness; no individual consciousness, no Pure Awareness.
Emptiness of emptiness implies conventional existence. This is why “I am not the body” is only partially true; interconnectedness means “you are all the bodies, hearts and minds and much more.” What’s beautiful about Maharaj’s teachings is that he interweaves his Yoga philosophy with ways of achieving realization: “Go deep into the sense of ‘I am’ and you will find. How do you find a thing you have mislaid or forgotten? You keep it in your mind until you recall it. The sense of being, of 'I am' is the first to emerge. Ask yourself whence it comes, or just watch it quietly. When the mind stays in the 'I am' without moving, you enter a state which cannot be verbalized but can be experienced. All you need to do is try and try again. After all the sense ‘I am’ is always with you, only you have attached all kinds of things to it -- body, feelings, thoughts, ideas, possessions etc. All these self-identifications are misleading. Because of them you take yourself to be what you are not.”
“Then what am I?” And here’s the famous “sublation” of Maharaj’s Advaita: “It is enough to know what you are not. You need not know what you are. For as long as knowledge means description in terms of what is already known, perceptual, or conceptual, there can be no such thing as self-knowledge, for what you are cannot be described, except as except as total negation. All you can say is: ‘I am not this, I am not that’. You cannot meaningfully say ‘this is what I am’. It just makes no sense. What you can point out as 'this' or 'that' cannot be yourself. Surely, you can not be 'something' else. You are nothing perceivable, or imaginable. Yet, without you there can be neither perception nor imagination. You observe the heart feeling, the mind thinking, the body acting; the very act of perceiving shows that you are not what you perceive. Can there be perception, experience without you? An experience must ‘belong'. Somebody must come and declare it as his own. Without an experiencer the experience is not real. It is the experiencer that imparts reality to experience. An experience which you cannot have, of what value is it to you?”
When it comes down to it, we must let go of our attachments to conventional reality, what Maharaj calls the “unreal.” “Stop imagining yourself being or doing this or that and the realization that you are the source and heart of all will dawn upon you. With this will come great love which is not choice or predilection, nor attachment, but a power which makes all things love-worthy and lovable.”
Once we move through the emotional afflictions and the concomitant memories and thought products that prevent us from seeing clearly and acting in accordance with our distorted perceptions (which, in turn, cause greater suffering), everything becomes so amazingly simple and uncomplicated. The pain and suffering lose hold and are replaced with joy. We become that joy.
“Page 113, please” (`I AM THAT’) FOR EMILY
Living is Life’s Only Purpose
Questioner: What does it mean to fail in Yoga? Who is a failure in Yoga (yoga bhrashta)?
Maharaj: It is only a question of incompletion. He who could not complete his Yoga for some reason is called failed in Yoga. Such failure is only temporary, for there can be no defeat in Yoga. This battle is always won, for it is a battle between the true and the false. The false has no chance.
Q: Who fails? The person (vyakti) or the self (vyakta)?
M: The question is wrongly put. There is no question of failure, neither in the short run nor in the long. It is like travelling a long and arduous road in an unknown country. Of all the innumerable steps there is only the last which brings you to your destination. Yet you will not consider all previous steps as failures. Each brought you nearer to your goal, even when you had to turn back to by-pass an obstacle. In reality each step brings you to your goal, because to be always on the move, learning, discovering, unfolding, is your eternal destiny. Living is life's only purpose. The self does not identify itself with success or failure -- the very idea of becoming this or that is unthinkable. The self understands that success and failure are relative and related, that they are the very warp and weft of life. Learn from both and go beyond. If you have not learnt, repeat.
Q: What am I to learn?
M: To live without self-concern. For this you must know your own true being (swarupa) as indomitable, fearless, ever victorious. Once you know with absolute certainty that nothing can trouble you but your own imagination, you come to disregard your desires and fears, concepts and ideas and live by truth alone.
Q: What may be the reason that some people succeed and others fail in Yoga? Is it destiny or character, or just accident?
M: Nobody ever fails in Yoga. It is all a matter of the rate of progress. It is slow in the beginning and rapid in the end. When one is fully matured, realisation is explosive. It takes place spontaneously, or at the slightest hint. The quick is not better than the slow. Slow ripening and rapid flowering alternate. Both are natural and right.
Yet, all this is so in the mind only. As I see it, there is really nothing of the kind. In the great mirror of consciousness images arise and disappear and only memory gives them continuity. And memory is material -- destructible, perishable, transient. On such flimsy foundations we build a sense of personal existence -- vague, intermittent, dreamlike. This vague persuasion: 'I-am-so-and-so' obscures the changeless state of pure awareness and makes us believe that we are born to suffer and to die.
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If I could choose only one page to save, I think this might be it. All is said here, all we need to know to make it through this life. In the end, there is no failing, for we are all already there. Any suffering or pain we experience is only in the mind and mind in the end will see it own illusoriness. “In the great mirror of consciousness images arise and disappear and only memory gives them continuity. And memory is material -- destructible, perishable, transient. On such flimsy foundations we build a sense of personal existence -- vague, intermittent, dreamlike.”
And there is a way, a very clearly defined and guaranteed way. Once understood, it is so simple: “The self understands that success and failure are relative and related, that they are the very warp and weft of life. Learn from both and go beyond. If you have not learnt, repeat.”
Sit, Write and Love
Voice in Silence
Thank you Om for the post. I have been here, reading, but traveling on my arduous journey which, after days of letting feelings come, of accepting them, seeing through them and listening, my song reappeared. It is always there, but I forget the melody. During the storm of all my emotions, I am aware that the emotions are just emotions and if I just allow them to be, if I ask myself what I am feeling over and over ( without thinking too much or analyzing too much) then a peacefulness with arise. Sometimes in the middle of this, I have the feelings of failure: why do I still get blown in all directions by things that really don't matter? I know, even as I question, thatt I am moving forward because I know to ask the question. . I am letting what needs to arise, arise. It makes me feel very vulnerable - but vulnerable to self. Afterwards, I feel stronger.
There have been many gifts in the last weeks - those moments that just arise when life lights up for seemingly no reason other that it is and I see it. On some level, I understand these teaching so well even when I am not fully alive in them. I know they are there, that they exist and that it is only in my temporary state of mind, that clouds my embodiment of them.
In this freedom, I write. My character Claire's experiences deepen as I do. I can see her more clearly, as if she exists all on her own and I have so little to do with her. I am merely trying to present her with as much care and compassion as I can. She is an ordinary person, old and mostly alone. But it is in this ordinaryness and state that I know her beauty and i hope I can bring light to this everyday existence. Nothing grand. And everything grand. I want what is in her life to be beautiful - just as I want the ordinariness of my own life to shine, because it is. it is the idea that being" nobody," is being somebody.
I leave Friday morning for my retreat. It is partially retreat and part workshop. The workshop part will be very demanding, but I am eager to sit with the mirror to my thoughts and feelings and be supported into the territory beyond. As always, with death and working with the dying, as the foundation, all of life is explored. When I sit, I will hold you all near. I hope to write again before I sail. My arms are stretched out.
I am grateful.
BEST WISHES ON YOUR RETREAT, EMILY
I was just about to post when I came upon your response. I'm so excited about your retreat. I feel as much joy when witnessing someone else's earnest seeking as I do mine. And I seem to experience it everyday. Practice is such a rare jewel and within everyone's reach, yet sadly so few are able to let go long enough to embrace it. We are here for one reason and one reason only: to learn to love. Your commitment is inspiring, Em. May the joy you give and wish for others always be felt as your joy. In truth, there is no separation.
Om Mani Padme Hum
THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN WISDOM AND COMPASSION
In the Dalai Lama’s commentary on the philosopher Shantideva’s "A Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way Of Life,’ entitled" `A Flash of Lightning in the Dark of Night,' the Dalai Lama says, “The Buddha taught these different practices [e.g., generosity, patience] so that Bodhisattvas [i.e., a practitioner] could attain the clear insight through which they might dispel obstacles to knowledge and then work for the benefit of others.”
Wisdom and compassion are ultimately inseparable in Buddhist thought. Wisdom is defined simply as the understanding of the ultimate nature of reality, which is emptiness. Compassion is defined as the desire to alleviate suffering in all beings. The practices that DL speaks of are called the six paramitas. They include: generosity, moral discipline, pateince, endeavor, meditative concentration and wisdom.
“The Buddha taught these practices so that….” It is the so that in this sentence that speaks to the therapeutic in Buddhist practice. Like therapy, the aim of practice is to alleviate suffering. But, in some ways, the practice ultimately goes much deeper than even the deeper therapies because it addresses the philosophical core of perception and belief (most therapies stop at adjustment). The essential aim of Buddhist practice is to understand that subject, object and action are devoid of true existence. So that is the compassion and generosity of wisdom the teacher attempts to convey. Understanding the ultimate nature of reality frees the student of attachments and unhealthy negative afflictive emotions.
“so that Bodhisattvas [i.e., a practitioner] could attain the clear insight through which they might dispel obstacles to knowledge and then work for the benefit of others.” The clear insight is insight devoid of the obscurations that prevent the understanding of emptiness. Obscurations are distorted perceptions and conceptions that cause afflictive emotions and the craving and grasping that perpetuate unhealthy psychological states. When the obstacles to emptiness are dispelled, compassion becomes heightened and, in fact, merges with wisdom as a mode of being. This is why wisdom and intelligence must never be confused. An individual with a high intellect is not necessarily wise. Intellect merely reflects a storage of knowledge about the world; wisdom is interior and deep and perspectivizes total reality, including relationships and psychological awareness.
Another way of explaining the relationship between wisdom and compassion is how the lack of empathy and caring for all (not just a select few of) others completely obstructs one’s ability to understand emptiness except on a mere superficial intellectual level. To selectively care for some individuals and exclude or harbor hatred or anger toward others is not true or transcendent compassion because it is based on attachment and afflcitive emotions, not on the desire to alleviate suffering in all beings. This can be better understood with the realization of interconnectedness. To harbor anger or hatred towards another is a form of self-hatred. Hatred and anger perpetuate suffering and completely prevent love. Love is defined as the desire to create joy. Love without compassion for all beings is immature love or dependency. Dependency always comes with a price: suffering.
BHAGWAN SRI RAJNEESH ON WISDOM
Anyone who has had the great joy of reading Bhagwan Sri rajneesh (also known as "Osho") is blessed, fated for interminable laughter and destined for a comedic ending. In one of his more serious moments, Rajneesh defines wisdom:
"`Perfection of Wisdom' [Buddhist Sutras, which include `The Heart' and `Diamond' Sutras] is the translation for pragyaparamita. Pragya means wisdom. Remember, it does not mean knowledge. Knowledge is that which comes from the outside. Knowledge is never original! It can't be original, by its very nature; it is borrowed. Wisdom is your original vision: it does not come from the outside, it grows in you. It is not like an artificial plastic flower that you go to the market and purchase. It is a real rose that grows on the tree, through the tree. It is the song of the tree. It comes from its innermost core; from its depth it arises. One day it is unexpressed, another day it is expressed; one day it was unmanifest, another day it has become manifest.
Pragya means wisdom, but in the English language even wisdom has a different connotation. In English, lnowledge means without experience: you go to the university, you gather knowledge. Wisdom means you go to life and gather experience. So, a young man can be knowledgeable but never wise, because wisdom needs time. A young man can have degrees: he can be a PhD or DLit -- that is not difficult -- but only an old man can be wise. Wisdom means knowledge gathered through one's own experience, but it is still from the outside.
Pragya is neither wisdom or knowledge as they are ordinarily understood. It is a flowering within -- not through experience, not through others, not through life and life's encounters; no, but just by going within in utter silence, and allowing that which is hidden there to explode. You are carrying wisdom as a seed within you; it just needs the right soil so that it can sprout. Wisdom is always original. It is always yours and only yours." p. 17.
--- Excerpt from `The Heart Sutra'
OUR RELATIONSHIP TO EMOTIONS
From The perspective of the therapeutic (whose goal is self-awareness) and spiritual practice (whose goal is awareness), I consider emotions or feelings the single most important mental factor. But, what does it mean to have a relationship with our emotions? To describe one’s emotional life relationally, a perspective is created from which to gain deeper insights into the role emotions play in either healing and growth, or sickness and stagnation. To create a space of perspective means to create a witness observer that presents emotional states with a reflective compass and a means for control and change. Reflection is the capacity to look into the experience from which the emotion arises. Wisdom is the understanding of the nature of the emotion and insight is the ability to see the emotion as it is related to the whole of experience. Emotions never just happen; they are the products of causes and conditions related to both previous moments of consciousness and memories of either pleasure or pain. Fear, for example, is the memory of pain. Joy is the memory of pleasure. The inability to sufficiently identify and understand one’s feelings are contributing conditions leading to potential suffering because emotions are what cause distorted perceptions and conceptions. With the onset of strong emotions, perceptual and conceptual consciousnesses collapse as does the space between subject and object. The loss of space also causes the reification of mental experience, which gives the experience the appearance of being solid and real. This is why we get “stuck” when having emotional reactions. We lose the ability to see things as they really are. We also tend to forego responsibility for our reactions because we are unable to respond; we react instead of responding. Responding is a form of reflection. Individuals who hold onto fear, anxiety or anger, for example, perpetuate these states on three fronts: 1) the tendency to reify causes a state of isolation; 2) these emotions foreclose the openness required for insight; and 3) these emotions create distorted and deluded states, the nature of which necessitates defensive structures for self-protection.
The good news is that we can change our relationship to our emotions. An insight-oriented process and meditation are ideal for penetrating the armor of our deluded thinking, and the regulation of unstable emotional states which cause delusions. Increased self-awareness means the development of an interesting paradox: the strengthening of a healthy self-structure and the capacity to see that self as empty of independent, permanent existence. With a healthy self-structure, even negative emotions serve to motivate increased self-awareness. A healthy self ultimately is a self feeling more and more at home in this world and which celebrates the inevitability of life’s ups and downs, because the healthy self, through its understanding and insights, welcomes the opportunities to purify karma and reach those states of wisdom that seek to benefit all beings without exception.
OM, THOUGHTS ON EMOTIONS AND MEDITATION
In his book, `The Myth of Freedom,’ Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche refers to emotions as “a large area of potential and unexpected disturbances.” He speaks to the familiar phenomenon following the quiet, blissful moment of meditation practice when, forgetting the stillness and silence, mind flips back to emotional upheaval it ostensibly seemed to leave behind. We return to the problems of everyday life that threaten our comfort and security, and yet, at the same time, present an opportunity to relate to our emotions. It seems easier to observe the discursive thoughts but the intense emotions are the greater challenge, for sure. I like how Chögyam defines emotions as energy mixed with thought:
“The emotions are composed of energy, which can be likened to water, and a dualistic thought process, which would be likened to pigment or paint. When energy and thought are mixed together they become the vivid and colorful emotions. Concept gives the energy a particular location, a sense of relationship, which makes the emotions vivid and strong. Fundamentally, the reason why emotions are discomforting, painful, frustrating, is our relationship to the emotions is not quite clear.”
I find this to be very true and accurate. It is when we are unable to embrace our emotions, to create a relationship with them, as you say, that the emotions overpower our center, our sense of self. The dualism that Chögyam mentions (and what you alluded to last night) is critical to this point, as well. When we perceive our emotions as independent and permanent, and indeed identify with them, we lose the opportunity to see them as they are: impermanent and merely mental constructs dependent on a number of conditions and causes.
Because we fail to see things as they are – emotions in this instance – we attempt to impose order on them by giving names (labels/categories) and associations. We lose the fluidity of experience and replace it with a rigid stiffness and dense solidity. We become stagnant, serious, closed, judgmental, angry, paranoid, etc. And all of these things out of fear, a lack of understanding and distorted perception. Momma mia!
Om: true dat
I like this description of emotions very much and find it really refreshingly clear. Like water... We also tend to over-identify with our emotions, as in "I'm an angry/fearful/anxious/depressed etc person", and thereby get stuck to them like flies on flypaper, unable to break free from them and or see ourselves from any other angle.
In terms of the labels, I understand what you are saying about losing the fluidity when we catagorize and over-associate with our feelings, but isn't the naming of the emotions also part of learning how to experience them and then let them go? Perhaps this is because, in our culture, we have learned to split off so much from our feelings, out of shame and judgement, that we have lost the ability to recognize them at all. Rather than being able to be watery and fluid with them, we either deny their existence entirely or become overly rigid. I guess that's where meditation comes in, to strike the balance.
a question: why do you like to drop the article "the" when you refer to "mind"? Just curious.
CAMILA, MY BEAUTIFULLY FRAGRANT FLOWER
you have bloomed again! Your question is so perfect and I was hoping someone (other than myself :) brought it up. I (or the other Om :) just posted Sri Nisargadatta's chapter `Life is Love and Love is Life,' where he says "When you know the name of a thing, or a person, you can find it easily. By calling God by His name you make Him come to you." This is the most beautiful, isn't it? I could repeat this all day. Seriously.
And so, what you share, "naming of the emotions [is] also part of learning how to experience them and then let them go" is absolutely true. But, I think naming and labeling something out of fear is quite different than temporarily using mind to attain a greater awareness and understanding. You are right, they are both the same in appearance, but it is the awareness behind it that makes all the difference. For example, two people can say the word God and mean completely different things. God for one is this reified, anthropomorphized entity with the qualities of omnipotence -- most magical, I would say. For the other, God is a pointer and symbol for the ground of awareness, Pure being or Pure Awareness that serves as an orientation. God in this case is not separate from who we are. Emotions are the same thing. Am I depression or am I a man who is experiencing these various symptoms that we call depression as a way of orienting the direction of my health through different methodologies that have been known to alleviate these symptoms? For the second case, depression is a temporary marker, not of one's sickness but of one's health!!! The body/mind is screaming, Hey schmuck, pay attention! Stop ignoring my fundamental happiness! Anger is the same thing. Am I my anger, or am I at this moment in time experiencing anger? It's all about navigation and feelings represent the compass that will diect us to our needs. And our fundamental need to is be whole, healthy and happy. Prior to that but not mutually exclusive, is our need to understand the nature of our anger, judgments, depression, anxiety, fear, etc. And so, to that end, we name. Naming allows us to communicate in a collective and mutual way but, like everything else, naming in a dis-eased mind is about control and domination.
CAMILA, ONE MORE THING THE (f)ART OF NAMING
I just wanted to mention as well that naming feelings does not mean being in touch with feelings. I have many friends who are amazingly articulate ABOUT feelings but are equally and amazingly unable to access and experience feelings. Knowledge is not experience. It is only the experience, the full integration of feeling and thought that allows deeper awareness and smooth relating to take place.
Om, you says, "smooth
Om, you says, "smooth relating to take place." I thought relating was messy and bumpy?
Om, the (f)art of making love smoothies
we're entering skinnyville again. I should have put this in a different spot.
It is only the experience, the full integration of feeling and thought that allows deeper awareness and smooth relating to take place
This is a great and very important distinction, the concept of being in touch with your feelings as opposed to experiencing them and relating in an integrated way.
I feel like I spent most of my life being able to articulate feelings very well, but was not at all in touch with them. I was very split off from them in fact, something that may have served as a good coping mechanism as a child experiencing neglect, but no longer serving my needs. It was only after being challenged by a very skilled therapist that I have gotten better at accessing and experiencing my feelings, but a lot of that was through understanding the language of feelings in a different way than before. So the language is important as a start, but only if it is used as a tool to go deeper, as opposed to staying in the intellectualized realm. Wouldn’t you say, Om?
In the past I was very compartmentalized in my feelings, as a form of self-protection and out of fear and/or shame. Although I still struggle with fear around certain issues, I’m more aware of it and in general feel that those divided selves have blended into one smoother, more open energetic body or self or whatever you want to call it. In relating with others as well, I feel like I can sometimes get caught on snags when things that are difficult for me come up, but they are just that, momentary setbacks, that don’t upset the whole flow.
Camila, it's tight in
Camila, it's tight in here. Cool post. It brings up a good question, how do you know when you are intellectualizing your feelings and not feeling them?
Maybe it's just a smooth feeling?
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sinking
from OUR RELATIONSHIP TO EMOTIONS: "A healthy self ultimately is a self feeling more and more at home in this world and which celebrates the inevitability of life’s ups and downs, because the healthy self, through its understanding and insights, welcomes the opportunities to purify karma and reach those states of wisdom that seek to benefit all beings without exception."
it is interesting. the other day Cat asked me how my sitting practice is going. i said: "it needs practice!" it's not going well. it's not really going. but this sentence, with which Om ends his post, refers to something that can be cultivated even without a meditation practice. i know this because i have experienced it, and continue to every day. i see how discouraged those around me become at the slightest disturbance of their orderly plans and hopes. and then i see as, each day, i become more and more excited by anything that is thrown in my way -- it's not to say that i'm never discouraged, nor to say that i'm never sadenned, frightened, confused... just yesterday i was quite discouraged, but also persistent. i felt isolated -- missed and dismissed. i was not being recognized nor responded to and i brushed up against some old patterns in a very painful way. it was terribly frustrating and i was very angry, and disappointed. but even so i was excited to explore. this feeling sucks -- where is it coming from? what is it directed towards? what am i angry about? what am i frightened of? and each moment was uncovery -- this pain the opportunity to heal. "cut me back open, see something to mend." the smile feels so good these days, when it comes in a difficult moment. i am not smiling in order to avoid -- i am smiling because it is so joyful to confront. to walk with almost unencumbered steps...
it is indeed a kind of indifference. because to me it doesn't really matter whether the feelings are pleasant or painful -- it is the same: opportunity. practice. neither is any better than the other, only one feels good and one feels bad. one i want to hold onto, one i want to shove away. see -- there it is right there. that experience is exactly why either way -- whatever happens, whatever i feel, it is opportunity. the risk is letting it go by without notice, to just give in to the tendency. this is the subtler meaning when i repeat something i once heard, something i feel quite clearly -- that the value of tradition is to challenge it.
and so as i strengthen my self, and become more and more healthy, it all becomes clearer, and more fun, and more serious, and more exciting. how exciting! and-- yet -- i become more patient. there is this remarkable play between urgency and patience. but-- how much am i missing out on without a sitting practice? i always wonder -- how will my poems feel when i have gone deeply into the experience of emptiness... how will things look when i have an experientially cultivated insight into the nature of things... like your hands... how will they appear... how will they feel...
how is it that your hands are?
and this sinking feeling,
why did i create it
when you hands are
and are yours?
i can't
leave
you
alone
i can't taste you
i can't help myself.
i needn't.
but i see now how your hands are,
because all i see is i
and your hands are yours
and if i were to touch them,
your hands
perhaps
i would risk everything.
it is my responsibility
to touch your hands
Charlotte---
rajneeshing
response to BHAGWAN SRI RAJNEESH ON WISDOM
see, with rajneesh you get the best mix of play and precision. he's always playing, so there's no need to take him seriously; and he is very precise and must be taken absolutely seriously. ahhh, the joy of it. in kathmandu there's a place called "The Osho Center." i hear it's wild, with people dancing all the time. sounds about right. maybe i'll give a vist before i head back to the states.
this is a wonderful excerpt, and it's so fun to be reading it right now because earlier i was going through my folder of poems i've written, and searching through old emails to try and piece together when each poem was written -- if not the exact date then at least the month and year. i realized that there is something missing in my folder of poems when one can read each one without that additional level -- the context in which it was written. this is not a necessary piece in one sense, but it is also a very exciting piece -- especially when i flip through randomly and stumble upon something. if i have the date there i can pin it down, i know when i wrote it, i can feel that time. fun. and so i could see all of my work over the last two years to play -- just play. someone who visited the Osho center asked me about him. i said, "don't trust me on this, because i'm only slightly familiar with rajneesh, but as far as i've seen, if he were to give one piece of advice it would be simply: play." but, of course, what he means by that is in one way very precise... just as Maharaj asks only that you are earnest. this is the same. or perhaps it's totally different. it's not haphazard or mindless. or perhaps it is both ::shrug::
anyway, see how he goes into these other meanings? he gives them all the room they need. he explains what 'wisdom' is frequently understood to mean. he just goes into that meaning fully: "A young man can be knowledgeable but never wise." no qualifications, he just gives it all his attention, and then he can say that pragya is not this. it may seem like a small moment, an insignificant thing, but i believe it takes a true faith, a real confidence, to speak that way... he speaks about 'wisdom' as though it is the term he is defining, as opposed to giving it half of his attention so that he can refute it. no, there is no refutation. it is all affirmation. he goes into this term, 'wisdom,' but he never gets lost. and you can see how he uses other masters and other traditions and scriptures without any concern for their apparent separateness. he is not a Buddhist, but that is no matter. he is not a Christian, but that is no matter. and, of course, he is so very original. and of course he stirred controversy -- how could it be otherwise?
just look at one moment: "It is a real rose that grows on the tree, through the tree." look at that. and again he does not get lost -- how could he? what is there to get lost in?
“Page 240, please” (`I AM THAT’) YOUR THOUGHTS ARE LIKE STREET
“Page 240, please” (`I AM THAT’) YOUR THOUGHTS ARE LIKE STREET TRAFFIC
Be Indifferent to Pleasure and Pain
Q: How am I to think myself out when my thoughts come and go as they like. Their endless chatter distracts and exhausts me.
M: Watch your thoughts as you watch the street traffic. People come and go; you register without response. It may not be easy in the beginning, but with some practice you will find that your mind can function on many levels at the same time and you can be aware of them all. It is only when you have a vested interest in any particular level, that your attention gets caught in it and you black out on other levels. Even then the work on the blacked out levels goes on, outside the field of consciousness. Do not struggle with your memories and thoughts; try only to include in your field of attention the other, more important questions, like 'Who am l?' 'How did I happen to be born?' 'Whence this universe around me?'. 'What is real and what is momentary?' No memory will persist, if you lose interest in it, it is the emotional link that perpetuates the bondage. You are always seeking pleasure, avoiding pain, always after happiness and peace. Don't you see that it is your very search for happiness that makes you feel miserable? Try the other way: indifferent to pain and pleasure, neither asking, nor refusing, give all your attention to the level on which 'I am' is timelessly present. Soon you will realise that peace and happiness are in your very nature and it is only seeking them through some particular channels, that disturbs. Avoid the disturbance, that is all. To seek there is no need; you would not seek what you already have. You yourself are God, the Supreme Reality. To begin with, trust me, trust the Teacher. It enables you to make the first step -- and then your trust is justified by your own experience. In every walk of life initial trust is essential; without it little can be done. Every undertaking is an act of faith. Even your daily bread you eat on trust! By remembering what I told you you will achieve everything. I am telling you again: You are the all-pervading, all transcending reality. Behave accordingly: think, feel and act in harmony with the whole and the actual experience of what I say will dawn upon you in no time. No effort is needed. Have faith and act on it. Please see that I want nothing from you. It is in your own interest that l speak, because above all you love yourself, you want yourself secure and happy. Don't be ashamed of it, don't deny it. It is natural and good to love oneself. Only you should know what exactly do you love. It is not the body that you love, it is Life --perceiving, feeling, thinking, doing, loving, striving, creating. It is that Life you love, which is you, which is all. realise it in its totality, beyond all divisions and limitations, and all your desires will merge in it, for the greater contains the smaller. Therefore find yourself, for in finding that you find all.
Everybody is glad to be. But few know the fullness of it. You come to know by dwelling in your mind on 'I am', 'I know', 'I love' -- with the will of reaching the deepest meaning of these words.
--------------------------------
This morning this divine page empty of all non-page elements and so inclusive of all phenomena, and particularly love and wisdom, resonates in such a high vibe for me. I know that experience only too well, while meditating the incessant and pervasive thoughts, intrusive and not letting up. What is that? I ask. “It is only when you have a vested interest in any particular level, that your attention gets caught in it and you black out on other levels.” Oh, so true. “No memory will persist, if you lose interest in it, it is the emotional link that perpetuates the bondage. You are always seeking pleasure, avoiding pain, always after happiness and peace. Don't you see that it is your very search for happiness that makes you feel miserable?” Yes, that’s it. I was seeing the flashing images as nothing more than memories but I wanted to do something with them. I wanted to dissolve them and yet, they pushed through even more. Was it my curiosity? My analytic mind trying to figure them out? Why do these images persist after so many years? Oh yes, the trauma. I must still be attached. Yes, my attention is caught and I still have a vested interested. The emotions are stuck like glue – the anger, the disappointment, the hurt. Oh, yes, it’s all there. But, how to lose interest in it? Oh, of course, just observe. Be “indifferent to pain and pleasure, neither asking, nor refusing, give all your attention to the level on which 'I am' is timelessly present. Soon you will realize that peace and happiness are in your very nature and it is only seeking them through some particular channels, that disturbs. Avoid the disturbance, that is all.” I would say, gently visually push the disturbance to the side and refocus back onto the breath. And, not coincidently, I am reminded of Bhagwan, my beautiful first teacher, who last night in his commentary on the Heart Sutra that I contemplated on once again, his words almost exactly the same as Maharaj’s now: “To seek there is no need; you would not seek what you already have. You yourself are God, the Supreme Reality.” What a generous reminder: I am God, the Supreme reality. All else is… well, all else.
“Page 76, please” (`I AM THAT’) EMOTIONS, MEDITATION, MANTRAS
Life is Love and Love is Life
Questioner: Is the practice of Yoga always conscious? Or, can it be quite unconscious, below the threshold of awareness?
Maharaj: In the case of a beginner the practice of Yoga is often deliberate and requires great determination. But those who are practising sincerely for many years, are intent on self-realisation all the time, whether conscious of it or not. Unconscious sadhana is most effective, because it is spontaneous and steady.
Q: What is the position of the man who was a sincere student of Yoga for some time and then got discouraged and abandoned all efforts?
M: What a man appears to do, or not to do, is often deceptive. His apparent lethargy may be just a gathering of strength. The causes of our behaviour are very subtle. One must not be quick to condemn, not even to praise. Remember that Yoga is the work of the inner self (vyakta) on the outer self (vyakti). All that the outer does is merely in response to the inner.
Q: Still the outer helps.
M: How much can it help and in what way? It has some control over the body and can improve its posture and breathing. Over the mind's thoughts and feelings it has little mastery, for it is itself the mind. It is the inner that can control the outer. The outer will be wise to obey.
Q: If it is the inner that is ultimately responsible for man's spiritual development, why is the outer so much exhorted and encouraged?
M: The outer can help by keeping quiet and free from desire and fear. You would have noticed that all advice to the outer is in the form of negations: don't, stop, refrain, forego, give up, sacrifice, surrender, see the false as false. Even the little description of reality that is given is through denials -- 'not this, not this', (neti, neti). All positives belong to the inner self, as all absolutes -- to Reality.
Q: How are we to distinguish the inner from the outer in actual experience?
M: The inner is the source of inspiration, the outer is moved by memory. The source is untraceable, while all memory begins somewhere. Thus the outer is always determined, while the inner cannot be held in words. The mistake of students consists in their imagining the inner to be something to get hold of, and forgetting that all perceivables are transient and, therefore, unreal. Only that which makes perception possible, call it Life or Brahman, or what you like, is real.
Q: Must Life have a body for its self-expression?
M: The body seeks to live. It is not life that needs the body; it is the body that needs life.
Q: Does life do it deliberately?
M: Does love act deliberately? Yes and no. Life is love and love is life. What keeps the body together but love? What is desire, but love of the self? What is fear but the urge to protect? And what is knowledge but the love of truth? The means and forms may be wrong, but the motive behind is always love -- love of the me and the mine. The me and the mine may be small, or may explode and embrace the universe, but love remains.
Q: The repetition of the name of God is very common in India. Is there any virtue in it?
M: When you know the name of a thing, or a person, you can find it easily. By calling God by His name you make Him come to you.
Q: In what shape does He come?
M: According to your expectations. If you happen to be unlucky and some saintly soul gives you a mantra for good luck and you repeat it with faith and devotion, your bad luck is bound to turn. Steady faith is stronger than destiny. Destiny is the result of causes, mostly accidental, and is therefore loosely woven. Confidence and good hope will overcome it easily.
Q: When a mantra is chanted, what exactly happens?
M: The sound of mantra creates the shape which will embody the Self. The Self can embody any shape -- and operate through it. After all, the Self is expressing itself in action -- and a mantra is primarily energy in action. It acts on you, it acts on your surroundings.
Q: The mantra is traditional. Must it be so?
M: Since time immemorial a link was created between certain words and corresponding energies and reinforced by numberless repetitions. It is just like a road to walk on. It is an easy way -- only faith is needed. You trust the road to take you to your destination.
Q: In Europe there is no tradition of a mantra, except in some contemplative orders. Of what use is it to a modern young Westerner?
M: None, unless he is very much attracted. For him the right procedure is to adhere to the thought that he is the ground of all knowledge, the immutable and perennial awareness of all that happens to the senses and the mind. If he keeps it in mind all the time, aware and alert, he is bound to break the bounds of non-awareness and emerge into pure life, light and love. The idea -- 'I am the witness only' will purify the body and the mind and open the eye of wisdom. Then man goes beyond illusion and his heart is free of all desires. Just like ice turns to water and water to vapour, and vapour dissolves in air and disappears in space, so does the body dissolve into pure awareness (chidakash), then into pure being (paramakash), which is beyond all existence and non-existence.
Q: The realised man eats, drinks and sleeps. What makes him do so?
M: The same power that moves the universe, moves him too.
Q: All are moved by the same power: what is the difference?
M: This only: The realised man knows what others merely hear; but don't experience. Intellectually they may seem convinced, but in action they betray their bondage, while the realised man is always right.
Q: Everybody says 'I am'. The realised man too says 'I am'. Where is the difference?
M: The difference is in the meaning attached to the words 'I am'. With the realised man the experience: 'I am the world, the world is mine' is supremely valid -- he thinks, feels and acts integrally and in unity with all that lives. He may not even know the theory and practice of self-realisation, and be born and bred free of religious and metaphysical notions. But there will not be the least flaw in his understanding and compassion.
-----------------------------------------------
What Maharaj means by Yoga is not to become a Nomad (though that is powerful, fun and sexy, too!). Maharaj is referring to meditation practice. “Remember that Yoga is the work of the inner self (vyakta) on the outer self (vyakti). All that the outer does is merely in response to the inner.” I state it as working inside out. Manifestation is the by-product of inner work as the future is a by-product of presence (the present now). Focus on now and the Being it is and all is revealed out of it. Notice the words “spontaneous and steady.” Are they not beautiful? How rigid and unspontaneous we have become since childhood. I don’t mean impulsive, I mean spontaneous, the joy and wisdom of spontaneity: “I still step lightly as they…”. Spontaneity in the arms of steadiness is pure brilliance and joy. This is meditation rippling out into the world.
Why would we dissociate ourselves from our exquisite inner landscape, even with all its thorns and storms? “The inner is the source of inspiration, the outer is moved by memory. The source is untraceable, while all memory begins somewhere. Thus the outer is always determined, while the inner cannot be held in words. The mistake of students consists in their imagining the inner to be something to get hold of, and forgetting that all perceivables are transient and, therefore, unreal.” And this determination of the outer can serve the inner; the body is a temple and can indeed serve the inner as the tree serves life and holds consciousness as it dances. Yoga and meditation require the body’s cooperation in the same way lovemaking uses the body for the expression of pleasure. But, the pleasure is never about the body; it is about the creation (making) of love.
“Does love act deliberately? Yes and no. Life is love and love is life. What keeps the body together but love? What is desire, but love of the self? What is fear but the urge to protect? And what is knowledge but the love of truth? The means and forms may be wrong, but the motive behind is always love -- love of the me and the mine. The me and the mine may be small, or may explode and embrace the universe, but love remains.”
And then there is God, you, as the ground of awareness – pure awareness, pure light, pure love, pure being. “When you know the name of a thing, or a person, you can find it easily. By calling God by His name you make Him come to you.” How beautiful is this? It reminds me of St. John of the Cross: Going everywhere, my God, with you, everywhere things will happen as I desire for you. -St. John of the Cross, `The Sayings of Light and Love,' #53. You see, it is ultimately in the level of devotion and faith, unwavering and singlepointed that our practice will reap the benefits. Wishing for it won’t do, denting it won’t do, railing against it won’t do, not even talking about it will bring awareness to us. It is only in the consistency of day to day sitting and moment to moment focus on emptiness o God that will do it. This is the nature of faith at its core, that by surrendering our egos to the Light all things are possible. Which doesn't mean you will get everything you want, but you will get all you need.
And for some help, there is the mantra. Mantra is that soft whispering of light in the form of sound. It is the music of focused love and faith in all that is good and safe. “The sound of mantra creates the shape which will embody the Self. The Self can embody any shape -- and operate through it. After all, the Self is expressing itself in action -- and a mantra is primarily energy in action. It acts on you, it acts on your surroundings…. Since time immemorial a link was created between certain words and corresponding energies and reinforced by numberless repetitions. It is just like a road to walk on. It is an easy way -- only faith is needed. You trust the road to take you to your destination.”
Here’s one of mine: Om Mani Padme Hum. How sweet the sound. Despite the pain and isolation of life, I am embodiment seeking the divine (OM), the jewel of compassion (MANI) and the lotus of wisdom (PADME), together cradled in the integration of mind (HUM) sending out rays of love to the whole universe.
When you investigate very closely, you'll find that there is no real separation between you and the universe. If this is in fact true, then sending out rays of love (through this mantra) is the same as, not only taking in rays of love, but becoming the clear light of love. In the realization of this light, there is no suffering, no pain.
Farmer Noah
check out this web page for a glimpse of Farmer Noah:
Em, Noah and Michaela look
Em, Noah and Michaela look like they have been working hard under a hot sun and are ready for a short break. I have heard farming is a tough endeavor!
Anyway, haven't seem much of you or plumbean or arnold. how are things? you okay?
Hey Nico and Om
I am not on retreat. Don't leave until a week from Friday. Just working, writing, and playing. Spend a wonderful few hours at the Smithsonain Folk Life Festival on Sunday. Bhutan was featured this year. Watched some monks do ritual dancing; another working on a sand Mandala. The weaving, painting, embroidering was amazing. Mainly working on my novel, watching frogs, scolding Mr. Plumbean for screeching in my ear. Other than Mr. P bothering me, I am in a place of quiet and change.
Noah and Ceili
you are some bad ass lookin' farmers!
FARMER IN THE DELI
Great photo. Look as if our fellow bloggers are experiencing some California heat. Hey Em, I thought you were on your retreat. Seems as if everyone else is on retreat, too :)
lazy hazy days of summer
It does seem like we are all out doing our own things as summer takes off. that's cool. I just got back from a crazy wedding weekend with high school friends. I laughed a lot and enjoyed the ease I experienced being with this large group of old friends and their partners, which used to be a lot more difficult for me, filled with lots of transferential landmines. I used to do a lot of comparing and judging when around them. We all seem to be much healthier these days, thank god. I'll have to forward you all the video, when I get it, of 12 of us performing a choreographed group dance for the bride and groom at the reception to "eye of the tiger", or, as we called it, eye of the Schrieber (the name of our high school). Even with two women 7 and 8 months pregnant, we rocked. It was one of the most memorable experiences I've had. Makes me want to take dance classes again.
farmers
WOW! RIDICULOUSLY AMAZING PHOTO! ahhh i love it. i look forward to seeing those two again next month.
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quick thoughts
i was unable to post yesterday, something screwy with the internet. anyway, i just would like to write a few brief words about these posts, Om. i'm not sure what anyone else has experienced, readings over these posts over the past couple of days, but i must say i quite love them. nisargadatta has that sort of style of conversing that i love perhaps most; the way he lays it out straight, direct, yet also carefully guides, yet also endlessly challenges...
and your commentary strikes me as most appropriate for our continued discussion, to move further into Buddhism and Advaita, and, in doing so, to get ever closer to what's right in front of us. these posts are not about some abstract location to reach, or some meaningless spiritual realization to attain; they are about showing up, about caring for self, about cultivating compassion and wisdom. they are about struggling on the path and facing the nature of things, frightening as it may at first be. i believe these posts are about helping us to live (and to die!).
Hey!
where did everybody go?
Despite the fact that I requested this discussion, so to speak, I haven't been that active in responding to the posts, but I want y'all to know that I have been reading along. I just looked up this dude on Wikepedia and now have a better understanding of where he's coming from, which is very helpful for me to understand his ideas--context is very important to me. I also find it hard to grasp complex ideas by reading. I need the live discussion I think, to really ingest it. I wish we could have a study group or series or something like that. I think that what I love about my yoga asana practice is the aspect of putting it in the body, in addition to the constant processing of it all with my nomad crew. Meditation can be a way of ingesting too, I guess, but on my own I feel a little lost. I've been trying to develop a sitting practice at home in the mornings. I'm starting to enjoy it and I love thinking about those of you who I know are sitting alongside me.
Hey Camila
I am here. Just a bit quiet. Like you, I need to live things and talk about things to understand them - or to visualize the words. Context is critical.
It took me many years to develop a regular sitting practice. I was not consistent in my early days, but felt that was just fine. It was where I was and i knew that I would come back to it - it wasn't a matter of if I would, just when I would. Now, without sitting, I don't feel whole. I need to let go, to just sit and wait ( for nothing) have no expectations, and just experience myself wherever I am. I am still amazed by the insane business of my mind - the flashes that come and go, but more and more my mind settles pretty quickly and ,on occassion, the moment I sit on my cushion. I have a mind that is very prone to obsessive wanderings and thoughts. I was on drugs for years and although it helped, it did not feel good. Sitting has made a profound difference. I have control over my mind and when I don't, I understand how to let things pass without latching on. I rarely get caught prisoner by the excessive loop of thoughts and when I find myself heading in that direction, I immediately sit. I have a sense of being responsible for my thoughts, which I did not have for so long in my life. I come from a family of obsessive worriers.
The process of coming to the seat reminds me of my family life when the children were young We bought property in West Virginia. We used to fight and be stressed out when we were in the car and it usually took us a day or two to just let go of city life and relax together. Then we found that we fought in the car but once we arrived the family was at peace. Then, we were cranky as we were leaving the city, but once we got on the open road, we were happy. And finally all it took was getting into the car to leave for the country and all our stress fell away.
hey ladies
I’m here, just having a hard time with having something to say. Thanks Camila and Emily for sharing your experiences with starting a mediating practice. I would love to talk about these theories in person; it would be easier to understand for sure. Emily, your story is such a perfect way to explain the struggle of the journey to calm our minds. I am having a real hard time sitting. It is so strange since when I was sitting and going to yoga I felt great. And yet I can’t get myself to do it. I am having a hard time participating in life today. I just want to do nothing and be around no one. I stayed home from work and convinced myself if I did I would catch-up in my house and get it and all of my errands done. I did get a few things accomplished, but I find myself now just sitting on the couch dozing off. I came online this morning to reply to James and I had no words. The beach was great and really helped although I felt like I had only started to relax and I had to come back for the work weak. I just feel so stuck.
Hey Megan
I think being stuck is just a part of life. It happens. Everything gets murky. Sometimes I think we fight the murkiness too much instead of giving ourselves a little break to just be in that state - that state where we are. Life can get well, cloudy. Of course, if it goes on and on, then it's a red flag, but that kind of flatness can also come and go. I have periods of needing to drop out, just be secluded, not answer the phone, not "do" anything. If I just accept it, then it is what it is for a day or two; if I fight it, then I introduce all kinds of shoulds into it and make myself really miserable. So here's my unsolicited advice - just be where you are. You know you will sit again, do yoga again - perhaps not today, but you will. Don't accomplish anything today. Just breath.
Emily
I will take your advice and just breath. - Thank you
emily
thanks for the words of support and recognition. I love the analogy to the family vacations. how common is that scenario you describe? The intention is to have a nice relaxing easy time with your loved ones, but the struggle of gettting there almost ruins the whole thing. All of the tensions, frustrations, expectations, and crap just clog us all up.
You remind me of when I was little and my own family summer vacations to Sag Harbor, Long Island, where we would rent a small cottage every year for two or three weeks. We would spend hours packing the VW van, or whatever vehicle we had at the time, with enough stuff to outfit a small army and, inevitably, leave 3 hours later than our projected time (somethings never change). Bickering, we'd shove ourselves into the car, knowing that my dad had made his italian sandwiches on semolina buns, which would make everything ok. As soon as we got going, those sandwiches, made with all fresh ingredients from the Italian deli, and the accompanying bag of doritoes, smoothed out our edges and brought us all into the here and now. They represented the beginning of the vacation, long days at the beach, reading great books, and good family time. I feel so blessed to have had that experience in my childhood. Maybe I'll focus on that today as I sit : )
Hey, Emily, Camila and
Hey, Emily, Camila and Megan, I am just sort of getting caught up on this thread of posts. The last couple of days I have been internet disconnected, and also a little angry disconnected. But now I have some time at work to check in and attempt to say something.
I have been wrestling with time lately. I am amazed the 4th of July is almost here and I fear I will not achieve anything memorable for my summer. Somehow I have let it sneak up on me.
Today I was rushing to meet up with OM for our weekly talk. Everything was an obstacle to get to our appointmet. The cable repair guy was late, the train switches were screwed up, even the elevator was packed and running slow. Finally there, I couldn't let go of my anger at all that went wrong. I was frustrated at circumstances I could not control. Yet I could not let go of my anger. As much as I tried to let go I could not. Anyway, I am rambling, so I will post some more later. Good to see you all.
Hey Nico
Nice to hear from you, anger and all. This summer is memorable because you are more self aware than ever. It doesn't need to be more than that.
Nico redux
Hey Nico, I am tired and warn out but I can't sleep. Why does summer have to be memorable to you? Do you feel the same way about the other three seasons? If not, what is so unique about the summer that you put such a mandate on it? What are some of your favorite memorable summers?
I can understand relate to you feeling upset and angry that it is July 4th already. I feel like this summer is just breezing by as well. And I've always said once it is 4th of July the summer is over; you blink and it is Labor Day. Maybe I should stop saying that and the summer will slow down. When I used to scoop ice cream at the beach, the summer sure didn't go fast. My tired little skinny arm felt like it took an eternity to break through the hard packed ice cream to make one cone. I would look up proud of my accomplishment and glance out at the rest of the line forming outside my window, look down at my wimpy little arm and sigh. To a 14 year old the summer day shifts seemed to last forever!
I've been sitting in the bath a lot lately trying to relax but find myself sitting the wrong direction with my back against the wall, just sitting with my legs crossed and not really soaking but thinking or zoning out. I realized last week that it had nothing to do with the bath, I was craving the beach and just wanted to sit there and soak it in.
Every year I seem to get to the beach less and less and yet I love it and it is so much of who I am and who I have always been. I honestly think I have salt water running through my body.
Why is it that we let life get in the way of experiencing joy of the things that make us the most happy? Especially when those things are such simple pleasures.
Megan, these are all great
Megan, these are all great questions. I was not angry at the rush of summer earlier today, but at the obstacles I had to get through to get to my appointment with OM. Even then I was 25 minutes late, but I still went in angry and all. Of course Om loves anger and he just ate it up, though I served it with some sort of goodies.
Funny how I don't really feel the summer until the 4th hits, while you are almost already dreading its end.
I guess I am bothered by the quickness of time. And just as an aside, I went to the beach for the first time last week, and I got pink all over my back and belly. Ouch! But not too bad. But the memories overall were good and I am glad I went. I don't know why I, we, let the things that don't matter disturb me so much. I know it is some sort of control thing, but hell, the I know the little things don't matter. Maybe it is a distraction to keep me away from what really matters?
Also, I haven't commented our your larger post because I haven't had the time to give it a thorough reading, being I am at work, but from what I gather so far, I can surely say I send you all the positive and healing energy I can muster!
Goodnight, Megan.
Nico
What feels worse a sunburned belly or a belly flop?
"I don't know why I, we, let the things that don't matter disturb me so much. I know it is some sort of control thing, but hell, the I know the little things don't matter. Maybe it is a distraction to keep me away from what really matters?"
I think you have said so much here. Maybe it is a distraction, your anger. I've found that soemtimes being more self aware is frustrating. Wouldn't you like to be angry and just be angry without questioning it everytime now? Ahh, what would be the sense of that, we've come so far...the jewel is behind that anger if only we could get there. I totally understand especially since you were trying to get to a place that you value very much and is important to you.
Today I am very irritable, every little thing is bothering me. I went outside to get some sun and pull back my perspective and try to put the irritability in check. It helped a little but I still have no idea why I am so iritated by stupid things today.
Megan!!!!
My head is pounding from work right now. Every one is annoying and we have work up to our eyeballs and everyone wants it now!
On top of that, people ask to stuff that can't be! Ouch. Deep breath. Very deep breath.
Sounds like you and I are both very irritable. Thanks for the note. What place do you want to get to today? Or tomorrow?
I am craving the weekend, but something tells me I am avoiding the now and the decisions i have to be making to meet my needs and feelings.
I have had this song stuck in my head all day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFWPeVfWB9o
Happy last day of the work week Nico
Nico, I didn't see this till this morning. I hope you are feeling better today. Everyone is going to want everything always, breathe and don't let them get to you. And tell them if they can bend over backwards turn their body and still touch their toes than you can make photoshop do what they want as well. ;)
The weekend is almost here! Today I want to just be, most of my colleagues have already left for the weekend, I am going to put on my headphones and clean my corner and organize some extra shirts, mugs and signs from my events. I will be late since I am still home and I am leaving at 3:15 to go to the 4pm yoga class. I've given that place so many hours and so many weekends, today It will just be for me.
I found a new favorite place yesterday. I decided to walk to 53rd station from the 30's and there was a public space/rooftop garden on 39th and 3rd that I caught my eye. I bought some soup and a spinach wrap and sat up there till the guards shooed me away. It was peaceful.
Take some time, Megan.
Take some time, Megan. Jobs take too much from us, while only giving us money in return. At least me. I have to find a career I like better, but till then, this will do.
Glad to hear you found some peace on the rooftop garden, away from your irritabilities. It helps to reset, but it is so hard to do. So enjoy your 4th, there is still so much summer to go, so enjoy it.
I think all the other kids on the blog are already at the beach!
Except Om, he's at the beach and here at the same time. Part of his dual self.
James
Have a great trip. I am making myself invisible and am hiding in your backpack. I'll be sitting everyday in one of your pockets and sending you hugs. It will be wonderful to hear your stories when you return. Be safe. Be well.
These healing powers
I recently read an interview of Robert Thurman in which discussed his beliefs in Buddhism. One of the things Thurman said stood out to me; he said that Freud called the quest for enlightenment infantile regression. At first glance I found this statement interesting and immediately assumed that Freud meant this comment in a negative way. After reading through some of Om’s recent posts from, I Am That, and thinking about this statement I feel that Freud’s comment is significant and in fact an affirmation of the healing nature of a quest for enlightenment or integration of Buddhist philosophical teachings in the role of the psychoanalytical process. (Granted I know very little about Freud and his views so Om, please correct me if I am wrong).
We have been looking at Buddhist philosophy, meditation, compassion for all beings and intimacy in relationship while independently fostering our own analytical process of self-awareness as a mechanism for growth, healing and enlightenment. Since each of these are pretty complex ideas and tend to challenge our fundamental belief systems (our current reality) it has been important to me to assimilate them into my life as independent constructs. Now that I am more comfortable with understanding each and practicing I can see a very positive impact on how I feel and on my actions. I can clearly see how together they each play an integral part in my healing and that in fact this analytical process is infantile regression. Infantile regression is necessary in order to heal and mature past the suffering and actions that are governed by a faulted psychological development that I had little control over.
MEGAN, FREUD AND OCEANIC BLISS
Megan, beautiful post, really. Thank you. What you are pointing out here is very important historically in the fields of psychoanalysis, evolution of consciousness and spirituality. The historical context is important because it helps identify the development of human consciousness over time. My interest in the history of ideas, for example, comes out of my interest many years ago with this famous formulation by the German zoologist, Ernst Haeckel: ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. This theory of recapitulation or biogenetic law proposed that the embryonal development of an individual organism (its ontogeny) follows the same path as the evolutionary history of its species (its phylogeny). Though this particular biological theory has been refuted, when applied to psychological and spiritual development I find it quite compelling.
With that said, Freud himself must also be understood within a historical context and as part of a major zeitgeist in human thought. This new shift, perhaps beginning with Descartes’ rationalism, took the idea of self to its highest level of independence, yet with a (negative) twist. What Freud, not so much discovered, but brilliantly systematized was the unconscious mind and its role in psychopathology. Over the course of a very long career, Freud revised his theories, but fundamentally stayed consistent with his ideas regarding psychic development, unconscious processes, drive, motivation and therapeutic intervention (which he called psychoanalysis). What Freud could not achieve, however, was a nondual view of mind, that is, clarifying the real nature of body/mind/spirit, which is empty of independent existence. Freud’s was a scientific (objective) method and worldview, which limited the view of mind and translated it into very dualistic and materialistic terms (realism). Simply, Freud refuted religion’s claims of salvation and instead interpreted it as a regression to fantasies of infantile (“oceanic”) merger with the mother. Though he was correct to claim the truth of the unconscious, he was incorrect in claiming it as solely individualistic and defensive. What is most important here is that Freud’s rationalism completely ignored transpersonal stages of development, those subtle levels of consciousness that transcend the dualism of rationalism. As a result, he had no choice but to see religious or spiritual experience as regressive (as opposed to transpersonal). Nor was Freud correct in equating mental health as commensurate with societal norms. Thus, we can say that Freud’s was a partial truth.
something wilber said
This reminds me of a distinction that Wilber (Wilbur?) made about the two psychological states that go seeking "enlightenment", the mergence fantasy and the more finely tuned contemplative modes. One is regressive and one is explorative and analytical.
I know you, Om, can speak more clearly to this point. 'Cause I forget.
hi again --this is me, homo
woops double post
HOMO SACER, WELCOME BACK
HS, a very lovely post. We need to see more of you here, you bring up relevant and worthwhile issues, whether it be on meditation or Buddhism’s tenets and their relationship to the harder realities of life, such as war and poverty. You also mentioned psychoanalysis but didn’t mention anything about it. I’m curious as to your views on whether psychoanalytic inquiry is compatible with Buddhism. Of course, there are a number of psychoanalytic models, as there are a number of Buddhist lineages. But, we may be able to make general statements about both.
Let me recommend a few books for you: Psychoanalysis and Buddhism by Jeremy Saffron; The Couch and the Tree: Dialogues in Psychoanalysis and Buddhism, by Anthony Molino; and Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche’s The Sanity We are Born With.
I would not consider Epstein’s book psychoanalytically oriented in the real sense. It seems more cognitively-informed than psychoanalytic and primarily Buddhistic in its message. What specific questions were raised for you while reading it?
Regarding meditation, I strongly recommend `Turning Your Mind into an Ally' by Sakyong Mipham. We must keep in mind that meditation is not something we do, per se, but is more a mode of approaching life from the inside out. Meditation is a deeply intimate relationship between you and your mind that requires patience, compassion and discipline. And, as a more formal act, meditation is a prolonged practice, the deeper “effects” of which may not be revealed for years. It is like the wind sculpting the shape of a pine on a mountain cliff over the course of years. Nor is the stabilizing aspect of meditation alone, without an analytic component, able to change your mind’s basic tendencies.
Boredom is a very common experience in meditation but it’s not really about meditation. Boredom is typically a sign of anger due to expecting or hoping for but not receiving enough stimulation. And so, when we just sit in the silence and stillness, the old patterns and tendencies of mind (which were always there) begin arising. The mind plays all kinds of interesting and discursive tricks to keep the repetitive mental processes going. It just doesn’t want to be still. This is where patience and compassion are critical. We do not meditate to achieve because there is nothing to achieve. That is merely ego craving and grasping. Try to remind yourself that there is no such thing as “boring things;” everything is grist for the psychic mill. Sometimes I go through periods of falling asleep while meditating only to find myself waking up to a fresh start. That’s okay, too. The most important thing I tell my friends is consistency. Consistency is the key in mastering mind through meditation.
Terror and bliss are nothing more than mind products as well. Try not to have expectations. Nor look at meditation as something apart from you, as something you do. Instead, begin to understand that meditation is merely an extension of your mind and breath seeking greater levels of awareness and compassion. It is your heart with an eye that sees into your very seeing and experiencing. It is your mind opening up its window to the sky of awareness. And it is your body stilling itself long enough to realize there are other dimensions of being other than the material world. All these aspects of consciousness come together as we sit, whether we are conscious of them or not.
“However, I can probably assume that it has had some stabilizing effect on my emotions--perhaps allowing me to reconcile the feelings before allowing them to get out of hand. But I don't want to just stabilize myself. I would like to become clear and capable of doing what is necessary to be who I want to be--an empathic person, an effective social worker, a peace activist. But seeking identity-related "ends" such as those is not a good way to begin a practice of Buddhism.”
Actually, I think they’re a great way to begin a meditation practice. It doesn’t matter what our motivation is; as long as we DO IT. Intention and discipline are all you need.
SACER, SOME MORE THOUGHTS ON YOUR POST
Sacer, this issue is the most interesting because it addresses the most important aspects of spirituality: time, meaning and individual practice. Einstein once said that you can’t solve a problem on the level of consciousness it was created. What he meant is that real problems can only be solved on a level of awareness that has the capacity to perspectivize the problem in a novel way; that is, to understand its complexity and understand how the part is connected or related to the whole. I would disagree with your evaluation of nondual awareness is unhelpful in the cases you described above. I think your statement assumes or presupposes that material problems can only be solved in a strictly material way. This is where meaning and time come in. Nondual awareness will never have an immediate effect on the world because it changes mind (consciousness) on a level superordinate to gross (material) reality. It includes the material world but oversees that reality from a more complex and organized structure; namely, from that of interconnectedness. But, in order for this nondual awareness to have an actual impact on society, it would require enough “nondual” individuals to actually begin shifting the collective consciousness on the planet to a higher vibe. This means evolution and evolution means time – a long time; in fact, many many lifetimes. This is why the Dalai Lama, for example, is approaching China the way he is. His political stance is very much in line with Buddhist principles, such as, dependent origination and emptiness. He understands, for example, that birth and death and country and race are not inherently existent, that they have only relative value and therefore change in its physical manifestation may take lifetimes. The sense of urgency the rest of us feel is not part of his decision-making process. In fact, his appeal is not just about a physical Tibet. China will come around, in his mind, by appealing to the world at large, through the teachings of Buddhist compassion and elevating the consciousness of the world, not just China. You see, it is ultimately about changing one’s mind!!! Look how brilliantly Buddhism is spreading around the world as a way of understanding the ultimate nature of reality; not as a religion, but as a vehicle for literally raising consciousness, to use an old phrase. The Dalai Lama is a visionary and I believe Tibet was fractured in order for Buddhism to reach the rest of the world. It was like the sun being contained in a box and of a sudden, like a reverse Pandora, someone opened the box (sadly, with violence) and the sun was set free to light the world with wisdom. So, you see, this is not just about Tibet. We are all Tibet! The Dalai Lama wants all of us to be free. China, like America, represents ego, the shadow part of all of our consciousnesses that will potentially destroy all of consciousness as a result of ignorance.
So, let me just say this. You and I, Sacer, are the wings of a butterfly and our individual minds have the power to change the whole of consciousness with merely the flapping of our wings, every moment. This is the fundamental law of sensitive dependency of consciousness seeking the silence and stillness of meditation to change universal consciousness by changing our own minds. Your meditation practice will do more good than most physical acts of kindness because it is solving the problem of materialism at a higher level of consciousness than it was created. “Because” is the operative condition but not as the condition of “I will achieve something.” Chögyam Trungpa says, “meditation can only be put into effect if it is not conditioned by any of our normal ways of dealing with situations. One must practice meditation directly without expectation or judgment and without thinking in terms of the future at all.”
Remember, wisdom is omniscient; it is the great seer. And we can only realize wisdom through meditation because meditation opens to the timelessness and spacelessness of no-self and thus requires that you leave the `I’ at the door of the consulting room. Once the `I’ is left behind – even momentarily – you will make the deepest insights and discoveries in creating peace for all beings. And all beings means there is no separation between self and other; compassion for everyone is for oneself.
hi om, Your comments
hi om,
Your comments about Tibet and the Dalai Lama are interesting to me in part because it seems to be wholly contemporary: a Buddhism of modernity (in fact, only natural since it is based on a philosophy of being aware of the here and now). But I don't trust an aquiesence to such higher level solutions when we are still sadly contained and domesticated by the nation-state system. Tibet (and many other indigenous cultures) is suffering cultural genocide. Yet I do not believe there is a solution available to us in NYC to oppose events across the world, even if we do have the United Nations here to picket. We would make a dignified representation of our opposition to the oppression (just as we are theoretically opposed to war in the Middle East, or theoretically in solidarity with Palestinians). No one can wait for many lifetimes to oppose the wars. The longer we wait, it will take longer to return to what we have lost, and we may not have the chance. Meanwhile, while the Dalai Lama may be patiently advocating compassion for the world, news of the world's atrocities don't sell newspapers. I can think I am compassionate about the millions of people who died Iraq and are refugees of this war, but what good will it do them? I feel like I have to do something about it on a "material" level.
I don't believe in reincarnation, other than in the sense that culture is passed along and re-learned and negotiated, and material traces of political and social power are also repeated. These are concrete and inescapable, as much as they are only of "relative" value they are also as "real" as anything in the world. I do not know another lifetime than this one, right now, although people with kids have to contemplate their kids being in the same mucked up chaos that they are in. If I were to be honest, I am very pessimistic because the world is heading towards increasing inequality at a breakneck pace and the ideology behind it often justifies it.
Paradoxically, however, I think that it is true that the United States must find a way to "not just do something, sit there." It's time that we return to being able to sit, among each other, and see our suffering, without averting our eyes. We need to be able to cultivate horizontal support networks that offer material as well as spiritual support. I don't think I have a lot of influence over this kind of thing, but in my work I see a lot of poor people who have no community. I, in fact, have very little community, so it has to be a lot worse for them.
What I meant about non-dualism is that I could see how we are failing to address that fundamental, intrinsic, human meaning that is universal. Rather than this, the "left" chooses to associate with one side or another, against the "oppressors," the capitalists, or the cops, or the imperialists, or the Americans, etc. This is most evident in Marxist thought that dominates activist groups I have been in. First, it reifies the enemy so as to see them as "wrong" and invalidate their experiences. Second, it denies that the "oppressors" can have grievances and experiences of oppression. The identification with / as the oppressed ends up as attachment to the narrative of oppression, and this results in bitterness that must be avenged or retaliated against. How is it possible to support liberation wtihout being politically identified with the oppressed? To just advocate a return to our common humanity. Forgiveness. Reconciliation. It's easier said than done.
SACER, TIBET AND THE DALAI LAMA
“Meanwhile, while the Dalai Lama may be patiently advocating compassion for the world, news of the world's atrocities don't sell newspapers. I can think I am compassionate about the millions of people who died Iraq and are refugees of this war, but what good will it do them? I feel like I have to do something about it on a "material" level.”
Thanks for going deeper into this issue with me. This point regarding the finding of solutions on different levels is a good one. When I suggested that Dalai Lama’s approach focused on the higher levels of wisdom and compassion to seek a solution to China genocide, I did NOT mean that the solution takes place ONLY on that level. My point was that this is the level the Dalai Lama sees and speaks and acts from. His ceaseless travel around the world seeking assistance from other countries on behalf of Tibet is on the level of action, as well as thought. His is a true integral model approach to conflict: address the complexity of the issue in an inclusive and total way. Regarding the “identification with the oppressed,” that is the point. But, it doesn’t end there. We must also most importantly have compassion for the oppressors, for we are inseparable from them as well. Otherwise we are splitting off again and regressing back to dual awareness. As you point out in your post. We are the oppressors as much as the oppressed. Hatred towards the oppressors, though the easier path, is not the best path for ultimate peace. This is the Dalai Lama’s main point.
“How is it possible to support liberation without being politically identified with the oppressed?”
How is it possible to free mind (“support liberation”) from suffering by identifying with a “self,” and denying, splitting off or judging the negative afflictions that fuel our delusions?
SACER, I’M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU YET :)
“Meditation does open up new territory for me bit by bit, always vaguely at first. I am worried that I am not opening up... . I have spent about every other day or every few days in meditation for about a half an hour to an hour. But it seems boring because I am never uncovering interesting things about myself... just boring things. In the book it says that eventually a meditator will reach states of terror and bliss, but I have not experienced anything like that….Because I haven't had strong emotions when meditating…I have not really felt the need to develop "bare attention" -- attention to my emotions without identifying with them. In fact I don't know anything about meditation because I have not been taught how to meditate.”
Let me state as clearly as possible: meditation is the single most important activity or process one will engage in life. More important than sex, more important than relationship, marriage, children, food; it is more important than anything else one can achieve in life. There, I said it. Would anyone like to argue with this statement?
“Meditation does open up new territory…”. How about meditation opening up old territory, territory so old and vast it is spaceless and timeless, with no borders but the form emptiness reveals in its emptiness. No teaching (and isn’t life, when it comes down to it, about teaching) can be applied without meditation – no true teaching. For me, true teaching has to do with ultimately reality, which means a reality empty of inherent existence. This is not an intellectual concept, nor one realized vis-à-vis focusing on a devotional object outside oneself. And though we nominally refer to inner focus on no-self, the real, skillful means of meditation is the presence of meditation, that is, being so completely in the present as to directly experience no object, subject nor any ambition with hopes of achievement. This present moment, with such concentration, first on each breath, and then the dissolution of breath itself and desire, will completely shatter all separateness, even in its most subtle linguistic forms. To the very end fear will remain, underneath layers and layers of myriad other, derivative fear-laced images, piled higher and higher through conceptual reality and its infinite ostensible inherently existent manifestations. Only when we unlayer and unclog the path will reality expand further and further outward towards “centerless existence,” as Chögyam Trungpa referred to emptiness.
And so, it doesn’t really matter what arises or doesn’t arise; we just have to sit, consistently, opening up the center of our consciousness, without ambition and yet with the deepest focus and concentration on now. At first, in the beginning stage of meditation, we ask to focus on the breath – the cycles of inbreaths and outbreaths – but gradually the focus on emptiness itself will replace the breath as technique itself becomes superfluous. The ego or self is there, like a canoe, and so we need to use it in the beginning of meditation practice. The self is the embodied state of existence seeking the other shore of nirvana and we must, in addition to honoring it without judgment, find its unique individual tendencies to work with throughout the meditation process. We all have different energies, personalities, dispositions, attitudes, intelligences, pathologies, etc. all of which contribute to one’s meditation practice. This is why everyone’s practice is different and might require different techniques or emphases in the beginning. For example, I love the stillness and silence; they fit for me like a glove. Others, however, find stillness and silence quite challenging at first. Yoga, dance or Thai Chi might be good introductions. Some people have monkey minds while others have “lazy” minds; their respective practices will look different. It seems to make sense, as it does in therapy, to start where the practitioner is and go from there.
Om and Homo
A belated welcome back, Homo (Sacer). I hope you are enjoying Om's attention. He only does that when he's stimulated by you, so try not to take it as anything but an outpouring of love and an opportunity for more insight and articulation of your ideas. I am enjoying your discussion very much and hope it continues. After reading the last few posts about meditation practice, I feel the need to get off this computer and go sit. I'm one of those that need to access it first through the body by way of a yoga practice, but am now feeling like I can finally get more into the quietness of meditation and relish the comfort it brings when I feel like I'm cultivating a deeper relationship with myself. However, it's still difficult for me to do it alone and for longer than 20-30 minutes. I find that in groups or when I'm outside, it's easier for me to go inside, oddly.
Last night, in my yoga class, we focused on the rasas, which were defined as attitudes or flavors. It comes out of an ancient tantrika art theory of sorts: developed as a way to describe and experience dance, architecture, poetry, etc. (and as Caterina pointed out, similar to the western theories of Aristotle and others). The rasas are outlined in a wheel format, starting with the 7 principle ones: Compassion, Courage, Ferocity, Fearsome, Gruesome, Desire and Comic, with Peace (Shanta) in the middle, like a bullseye. Surrounding this inner wheel are more and more wheels as the flavors become more and more defined and elaborated . The idea is to always start from and go back to peace. We are not ALWAYS peace, for feelings and emotional reactions arise that are legitimate and/or necessary (like fear, desire, etc), but, as our teacher expressed it, it is a problem when those rasas become "perverted" and we become stuck in anxiety or whatever it is and overly identify with them. In going back to peace, we can maintain an equilibrium that is more in keeping with who we are. Interestingly this resonates with what we have been discussing here, which is why I'm sharing it.
At the end of the asana (physical practice) part of the class, we were led into a lengthy deep relaxation preceded by some pranayama (breathing exercises). Eric, a gifted meditation instructor, guided us as we experienced first peace and then went to each of the rasas in our own minds, going back to peace between each one. It was one of the deepest and intense Savasanas I've had in years. I don't know if it was the heat, the breathing we did beforehand, the practice of hip openers we had just done, or what, but I was high, floating and deep all at once. I would have fallen asleep if I didn't get called back by his gentle voice, inviting us to continue exploring the feelings that go on behind closed eyes. it was cool. His style of meditation is not one of clearing the mind or achieving trancendence to a higher place, but one of deep inner exploration. It's free, available to everyone, and it's always there. Om Shanti.
VERY TRUE, CAMILA
Thank you for pointing this out. Yes, Sacer, your posts have been stimulating and appreciated, for you have brought up most important issues. Also, Camila, I loved this post and am so happy you're moving further into the silence of love.
Om mani padme hum
Thanks, Om
I am already having the opportunity today to start from and go back to peace today, as I just got a big dose of my boss's constant perversion into fear and ferocity. I was called at home to come into the office immediately into a meeting with her in which she did her usual anxiety dance. I let it swirl around me, but did not let it penetrate me. Even though it was, in that moment, directed towards me, it's not about me! And I can also feel compassion towards her and the suffering that she endures. I am shanta, shanta, shanta.
hi again --this is me, homo
hi again --
this is me, homo sacer, a friend of one of you, but maybe not recognizable
I've been studying both buddhism and psychoanalysis for a while now, just dabbling in the ocean of each really. I have been reading Mark Epstein's excellent book "Thoughts without a thinker: Psychotherapy from a Buddhist Perspective" Occasionally it seems clearer to me, but often I am left with more questions than answers.
Meditation does open up new territory for me bit by bit, always vaguely at first. I am worried that I am not opening up... though last year during winter I was having a hard time, trying to escape my sense of despair and depression. Today I feel clear, a little detached and unemotional. I am having a writer's block... though that has usually been the case. I have spent about every other day or every few days in meditation for about a half an hour to an hour. But it seems boring because I am never uncovering interesting things about myself... just boring things. In the book it says that eventually a meditator will reach states of terror and bliss, but I have not experienced anything like that.
Because I haven't had strong emotions when meditating, or for that matter for a long time in general -- I haven't been depressed, in other words--I have not really felt the need to develop "bare attention" -- attention to my emotions without identifying with them. In fact I don't know anything about meditation because I have not been taught how to meditate.
However, I can probably assume that it has had some stabilizing effect on my emotions--perhaps allowing me to reconcile the feelings before allowing them to get out of hand. But I don't want to just stabilize myself. I would like to become clear and capable of doing what is necessary to be who I want to be--an empathic person, an effective social worker, a peace activist. But seeking identity-related "ends" such as those is not a good way to begin a practice of Buddhism. I can say it is for a greater good, but it's also for my own good. And although taking care of myself is a good aim, I am also conscious that my ego needs to be sustained along the journey to letting go of my "Self."
I finished reading Thich Nhat Hanh's "Being Peace" today. I think that Thich Nhat Hanh must see how judgement of imperfection may come across as rejection, instead of acceptance.
This is a small but profound book. I have literally been thinking for years on the topics in the book and haven't ever reached answers until I found this book. The answers he gives do not map out a uniform path, but offer guidelines on how to walk our individual (and our collective) paths. In one of the precepts he says:
A religious community should take a clear stand against oppression and injustice, and should strive to change the situation without engaging in partisan conflicts.
This does not mean we should not be silent about injustice. It just means we should do it with awareness and not take sides.
I have felt that in our political and personal lives, we often feel that we must take one side or the other. Non-duality means we must recognize the reality of both the oppressor and oppressed, which contain different kinds of suffering. In the same way it requires us to see how our identity "selves" which are imaginary constructions are not one thing or the other, but both and neither (Thich Nhat Hanh says that since all life is interconnected, it is "empty of a separate self" and "containing all selves.") I wonder how that can inform or change the "peace movement" (it's more like "stagnation" these days, but we can change that!) How can we support the ending of war without being violent in our demands for the end to war? I think more and more that we need to consider making a new kind of non violent, non-political movement in order to stop war, to truly be able to see how oppression is a dynamic, inter-linked process, how each of us is oppressed and how most of us are bystanders and / or oppressors.
Non-dualism may not be helpful when you are homeless to know that you are connected to the person who grimaces when passing you, who owns a $5 million apartment, or when the car bomb hits a marketplace that has your son in it. So this is a knowledge that is especially relevant to the more privileged, I guess. How can we create responsible communities if we are trying to be mindful of the imbalances of political and social power, especially how we form and who is in our spiritual and political/social communities (for example, not everyone can afford $15 yoga or recognizes certain signs of belonging based on identity-related dependencies we have... fashion, apartments in Manhattan, educated culture and etc, etc.)
anyway -- a digression -- because what I was originally going to say was that the taking care of raging emotions with compassion for yourself (leaving aside the question of whether the self exists or not) -- seems really the first step to reconciliation with yourself and others.
sorry for the long post. ;)
George and Marina
George, George, come here. Quick, look!
Wow, is that real?
What do you mean, is that real? Of course, it’s real. No body could fake that.
Yeah but it doesn’t make much sense to do it that way.
What other way is there to do it?
I wouldn’t know.
Exactly. That’s why it has to be authentic.
Hmm, I wonder sometimes.
Why can’t you just believe, George. It’s all I am asking for.
I am a skeptic.
Why?
It’s just the way I am. I don’t trust much.
God, I can’t imagine how you make it through the day with that attitude.
I ask myself the same question about you all the time.
Why’s that?
Because it’s impossible to trust so much in this world. People find ways to use it against you. They take advantage of you at every turn. That’s why I am a skeptic until proven otherwise. I save myself a lot of pain.
And you miss out on so much.
Different ways of living life is all it is.
I couldn’t live like that. What would be the point, it would just be joyless.
I have fun.
No, you don’t.
How do you know?
I have seen you “have fun.” It is not fun at all.
To you it isn’t. To me, it’s everything.
I am trying to get you to open up, George. Trust a little.
I think you are trying to change me.
Every one and everything changes. There’s nothing wrong with it.
You don’t get me, Marina, do you? I like being the way I am. It works for me. I don’t want to change.
God, you’re so infuriating at times. It’s impossible to go anywhere with you because you kill the experience. I am done with you.
That’s fine with me. I never trusted you to believe in me anyway!
George and Marina 2
Can you see what I am talking about?
No.
It’s right there. Look up.
I am looking up and I still can’t see anything.
Really?
Really!
Wow, this is so bizarre.
It is.
You know what this means?
No, what?
We have different perceptions on reality.
Impossible, there is only one reality. You just can’t see how it truly is.
How can you prove that?
It’s obvious there is nothing up in the sky. It’s empty. Not even a cloud in any direction you look at.
You still haven’t proved there is nothing up there. In fact, when I look up, I see it. So I say you have the wrong perception of reality.
Marina, you’re crazy.
You too, George.
Ha, I know what you are doing, you’re trying to fool me. You almost had me going with that dual reality of yours’.
Why is it so hard for you to accept that there could be different views of reality?
Because it is plain to see to anyone that there is nothing in the sky.
Look, let’s ask this guy coming this way.
I don’t know, he looks a little strange. I don’t trust him.
Why?
Because he’s carrying a bag of empty soda cans. And he’s filthy.
Ha, he looks clean enough to me!
Jesus. Alright, you ask him, Marina.
Excuse me, excuse me, sir. Sorry to disturb you.
What, me? You wanna talk to me? Okay. But first, you wouldn’t happen to have an empty soda can you could give me?
No, we don’t.
That’s a shame. Five cents, you know. I really could use all the five cents I can get.
If we find any we’ll try to find you.
Thank you, much appreciated. Now how can I help you?
You see, my friend and I are having a disagreement about what’s in the sky right now. I see something but my friend does not. Could you help us decide this matter by telling us what you see?
I see all sorts of things.
What?
Yes, yes, I see red clouds, lights and things of the sort.
You’re not making much sense, buddy. I told you, Marina, he’s crazy.
George, don’t be rude.
No, no, it’s quite alright, people have called me crazy all my life. I am used to it. Not everyone can see the beauty I see. Have a good day now.
Well that settled nothing.
Of course, it did, George. It proved we all perceive reality differently.
No, it proved you can’t trust a crazy man collecting soda cans to be sane.
So just because he collects soda cans you’re going to dismiss his views?
The man is crazy. He himself said as much. Of course I am dismissing him.
You can keep picking and choosing what you see and what you don’t, but it doesn’t make it real for everyone.
As long as it’s real to me, that’s all that matters.
Does it matter what’s real to me?
Like I said, only what’s real to me.
GEORGE, MARINA, PAUL, RINGO AND JOHN
George, what the fuck are you talking about?
I don’t know, I just want to hold your hand.
Forget it, I had a hard day’s night
Me too, I feel as if I’ve been across the universe
By the way, who’s this Marina chick?
I don’t know but I think she’s a moody bitch.
Probably because she’s leaving home after living alone for so many years
Yeah, but she’ll never be a beatle
Not if I can help it.
And what’s up with that yellow submarine?
Nico, George and Martha
Did you ever read those George and Martha children books, Nico? It's about two hippos, who live together. I can't remember if they are siblings or husband and wife, but they are always having disagreements. This dialogue sounds familiar, but I don't think that it's from those books....
Is this from something you are writing? I mean, obviously you are writing it, but is it a piece of something larger? It sounds very intriguing, this relationship.
Camila, I never read the
Camila, I never read the George and Martha childrens books. Another piece of culture that was lost on me when I came over from Chile. This was just a writing exercise I did yesterday morning in a bakery I have now adopted as my writing spot. It's air conditioned, clean, quiet, and the owner and sales people are really nice. And, most importantly, the coffee is great and costs $1.25! What a deal.
I didn't know where I was going with this, I just let the thooughts drop down. I was happy with it because I was able to bring it back in the end, and have it make some sense. thanks for asking.
have fun at the beach with the girls.
NICO AND THE REAL GEORGE
Okay, Nico, so this is the big question. Are you ready? Okay, here it is: what's the point? Seriously. We have George, a snarly, snarky rebellious kind of guy with a chip on his shoulder and Marina, a friend who should basically tell him to fuck off because he's so angry and defensive. But, she doesn't. Instead, she gets off on arguing with him about reality, a reality that only exists in relative terms. And, one that doesn't. And one that does. And so what? Does George want to be right or intimate? If I were George, I would forget the sky and tell Marina how hot she is in that summer dress, get her home as fast as possible and make love in an air-conditioned room, if he could find one.
Even as curious as George is, this Curious George has the making of a Hulk with his anger. I think George should get the hell out of the city heat, sell off all his bottles, get to the other marina on the Nautical Mile that doesn't talk back, set fire to the whole useless strip; then set sail into the cloudless, hungry sunset and fuck the rest of the world that doesn't see things his way.
Om, what's the point, you
Om, what's the point, you ask? I wanted to keep the blog alive, even if I have to make up fictitious characters. You know, like Emily did some time ago. And George is a snarly, snarky character. You're right to say he should get laid, but he is so far removed, I will have to go through hoops to get him there. We'll see.
NICO, YOU DIDN'TTHINK I WAS SERIOUS
did you? Who's Emily?
I always take you seriously,
I always take you seriously, Om. And where is Emily? Gone on retreat still. How about Arnold and Anya? You guys out there, or do I have to keep putting up fictitious characters?
Anyway, Camila is here still holding down the fort with her sun tanned feelings.
Nico, What are they all about?
Nico, When I first read your post I thought you were trying to begin some sort of online intervention for your friend that you have mentioned before that is angry. You have mentioned before that you wanted him to read along and join in this conversation so you can show him what is working for you and you can help him alleviate his suffering. I was waiting to see how it played out. But I guess I was wrong in my initial impression.
So if these charcters are fictional then why did you choose to show so much anger in George? Is he a mirror of you? Even if you just wrote what was pouring out without understanding the context it might be fun to tear them up and see what they are made of now.
I've been here, checking in periodically. I've printed nearly 25 pages of Om's dialogue with himself (which I was thinking about this weekend would really make a brilliant column in a newspaper or magazine) once he finishes his book, Sit, Write, Love. Om, are you still writing this book?
I am a bit withdrawn and sad feeling the immense loss that I have experienced this year in full force this week. My young cousin who was only 28 passed away last Monday while running a 5K. I was numb for a few days, but the sadness started seeping in on Friday. I am feeling my loss and the pain of those I love and wanting to help make it go away for them. I lost myself and my composure this weekend and I felt like all the hard work I've been putting in went up in flames in seconds. I had had enough of all the stress and tension of my entire extended family (I have 22 cousins and aunts, uncles and kids that come with them) being in the same town for four days and blew up. It was like I just blew a fuse and I sat in the car on my way to my sister's house and just felt like the wind was kicked out of me. She keep telling me that I needed to snap out of it and I was just feeling so destroyed by everything. I was exhausted from all of the stress, the tension, the temper tantrums, the crazy personalities, the agendas, the old baggage, the dysfunctional outlooks, the pure denial, the lack of compassion, the lack of awareness, of love and understanding. The lack of support when we all needed it most. I guess I was disappointed in our inability to look beyond all this and just be there for each other. And I was upset because my needs of feeling safe and loved and supported to express my grief was not there.
All of this must have reminded me of my own loss because this morning I woke up from a dream almost not believing that it wasn't real. I had just delivered a baby, I was tired and groggy and everything was so white. The sheets were so tight and white (I hate sheets). I was on a hospital bed between two other beds and just watching people walk by me, ignoring me and my questions and I keep saying, when are you going to bring me my baby. There was so much activity and yet I couldn't hear anything, could just feel them all going by. I kept thinking why isn't anyone hearing me? I wasn't really feeling upset or distressed by the dream. I just laid in bed with that, was that real feeling.
Wow, Megan, you have had
Wow, Megan, you have had rough times lately. I am sorry for your loss and I am sorry for the tough times you went through and the exhaustion it caused in you. The dream is very powerful, and while I don't know much of your meanings, it seems like it echoes your need for understanding and compassion from your family. Right?
I don't know.
As for George and Marina, they are bleeding out from my deeper psychological makeup, but they are just playful characters lost in their issues. I think them funny. Just this morning I was thinking of making them regulars with longer characters arcs just for the blog. But that would just another story I would have to finish.
Even so, good to hear from you again :)
Megan darling
I'm so sorry that you have been subjected to yet another loss so soon. The only solace I can offer is that it's all grist for the mill, as Om likes to say. Perhaps the universe is giving you this opportunity to dig deeper and look at these losses and what it means for you and how you have been shaped by the earlier ones you experienced. The dream seems like it's related to feeling like your own needs continue to be subjugated by all the drama going on in your family. The white sheets of purity that you don't even like protecting you from the craziness of everyone around you, but isolating you from them as well. I don't know, it's just my first impression based on what you have shared. I'm not so good at dream interpretation.
I hope you can take some time to be with yourself and reflect on what you need and want. It's so hard to do that from inside the cyclone of family drama and grief. When we start to get healthy, sometimes the people around us who are accustomed to us always being there for them at the drop of a hat aren't so happy about it when we take time for ourselves. However, in the end, the results of your own self-discovery and boundary setting will benefit everyone in your life, even those you would least expect.
Thank you
Camila and Nico,
Thank you for the love, understanding, recognition and dream interpretations. You nourish my heart and soul.
I have company from California/Nevada this weekend and am sneaking away to write as I've been thinking about your comforting words all week. We are bringing them over to the Astoria Music Festival in Astoria Park today, are you guys going to check it out?
Hey, Megan, you are
Hey, Megan, you are welcome. And thank you for sharing, somehow by you sharing it helps me feel more connected to myself.
Sorry I missed you in Astoria park, I was in Flushing that day with my parents. And I live in Astoria too. Maybe another music festival or another pizza party.
Wishing you well.
HI Nico, I am well.
And thank you for sharing, somehow by you sharing it helps me feel more connected to myself.
Your welcome. I feel this way from everyone's sharing as well. This community has really been such a huge part of my healing process. All my life I kept everything so secretive because there was so much shame surrounding my day to day experiences. It is unbelievable how comfortable I am sharing such personal things with you all and in such a public space. I only wish I had more time in my life to respond to everyone in the way I feel they deserve. In time, I will have more time for the blog and for the things that nurture and support a healthy life. In time.
The music festival was very small, but the weather was nice. When we got there there were mostly bands that scream more than sing which I personally can't stand. In fact I do not like music much at all. Lot's of music makes me instantly mad and angry. Like unnaturally angry. I seriously have a need to be violent and I am not a violent person. I really have no idea why. Jamie says, it is just that I don't like real, good music only bad pop music and teases me but there must be a reason for it, one day I'll figure it out with Om. We did hear some softer music up the hill and wandered up there to see another 'stage' that was sponsored by a bar close to our apartment and heard music we enjoyed from a young girl called Gillian Visco.
I am doing okay, feeling a little like I've just come down from some pretty intense emotions. Last night I slept from 5pm till 6am this morning which left me a little groggy. Today I am going to the beach with my friends, it should be a great day!
I was thinking you are right in Astoria, it would be nice to have a coffee and say hi in person. :)
Megan, I also love pop
Megan, I also love pop music. Though it is not the only music I like, if it has a catchy tune I like it. I think it is just a preference, like enjoying a particular flavor of ice cream.
I am glad to see all this activity on the blog. It is exciting. Though I have been feeling exhausted and numb the last few days, I read along and post when I feel I have something to say. I am glad you where able to sleep and recover, sometimes it feels like a barrier has to be broken before I can rest. I am waiting to burst it.
Anyway, it would be a blast to meet you in person. I will contact you through the email setup here. Till then, keep enjoying the beach.
JAMES HAS THE WHOLE WORLD
Why the hell did you bury this brilliant poem underneath a post? Damn, I love this poem and for so many reasons. This first stanza reminds me of Rilke's poem reminiscent of Rodin:
... I can conjure you at will.
Break off my arms, I shall take hold of you
and grasp you with my heart as with a hand;
But, I’m already getting ahead of myself. For James, the part is the whole for, as Rilke once shared regarding Rodin’s armless sculptures, “Nothing necessary is lacking.” Ah, you see, I went right to Rilke and Rodin. How could I not with this line?: “how is it that your hands are?” There could have been a myriad of second lines, but here is sheer poetic radiance: “and this sinking feeling,”…. One of James’ rare commas; why this, why now? “Sinking” has got to be one of the most palpable and terrifying images and when married to “feeling” we feel the dread of helplessness, the flailing arms foundering in emotion. I also want to mention how James’ placement of this almost cliché revitalizes it; it sounds so original here.
“why did I create it/when you hands are/and are yours?” This is one fascinating and intimate conversation. First, the narrator is talking to a potential lover whose hands must be striking in some way as they take on a life of their own (hence the allusion to Rilke’s animism). And then he speaks to the hands themselves, even before the lover again. It’s as if the hands have a distinct quality independent of the lover. And then the Buddhist touch: “why did I create it.” There is a double meaning here: “this sinking feeling” must engender the craving mind that “creates the dual aspects of consciousness that, in turn, delude the `I’ into inherent existence and objectification. Secondly, not only are the hands separate but the lover is perceived as separate, too, and so the craving and grasping of desire now take over.
“i can't/leave/you/alone/i can't taste you/i can't help myself./i needn't. Here we are under the Bodhi tree seeking understanding of suffering and mind finally easing into its non-attached center. And now the philosophical (James often has the metaphysical eye seeing into the poem’s and hence, mind’s, seeing). The realization of emptiness is revealed in the understanding “because all i see is i” and the syllogistic “and your hands are yours;” and the psychological emerging from that truth: “and if i were to touch them,/your hands/perhaps/i would risk everything.” There is always at least the double meanings. To risk everything means to risk the relationship, but it also means the potential loss of wisdom, a much greater loss. On a psychological level, this is the fetishistic mind fixated on objects out of fear of intimacy as it grapples with subjectivity.
And here comes my favorite couplet:
it is my responsibility
to touch your hands
I tell you, this really breaks me up. When all is said and done, when the psychological gets shaken out in the wash of realization, there is this amazing non-theistic truth, and paradox. Though there ultimately is no `I,’ the conventional self (which, by the way, IS the psychological self) literally has the whole world in its hands (whether it realizes it or not), and so, IS completely responsible for the world of all beings seeking touch. The power of this truth is equal to the freedom one feels when one understands the nature of responsibility, the ability to respond. This realization is what prevents harm and violence and cultivates compassion and lovingkindness.
And so, “this sinking feeling,” in the hands of a seeker (even one who struggles with sitting :) is an amazing opportunity to fully sink and rise in the wisdom of faith and knowing. And, of course, James is learning more and more each day, that the relationship is one powerful yoga from which to mirror his spiritual quest.
CAMILA AND THE ART OF FEELING
A most beautiful and open post, Camila. Thank you. You have been so generous with your experiences, I hope they are bringing you as much insight and peace as the joy they bring to me. Language, in the context of identifying, naming and integrating this thought aspect of feeling, with the EXPERIENCE of feeling, which begins in the body, is the only way for authentic psychological and spiritual understanding and intimacy to occur. This cannot be overemphasized. Literally every moment of consciousness is infused with feeling and only in later stages of meditation are we able to sufficiently dissolve these feeling states as thought products. It would be correct to say that feeling, consciousness and experience, in very general terms, are synonymous. I am consciousness in that I feel and I experience in that I feel; and I feel in that I am conscious and experience. Integration is the fullness, the robustness of that experience as interpretation and conveyance. We first perceive as consciousness makes contact with the world, and then conceive or apply language to that perception. The psychological integration of experience is just that: sentio ergo sum (I feel therefore I am). The psychological is the conventional at its highest level of awareness.
This is in fact what Nico was describing in his fictitious narrative. What we call real in the conventional sense is the relativity of subjective experience. This is real to me, he says. But, keep in mind, conventional reality is not the true or ultimate reality of emptiness, which sees things as they are unobscured by subjective experience. Ultimate reality is bare cognition, which cognizes emptiness, the impermanent, changing interconnectedness of phenomena.
Compartmentalization, dissociation or their cousin, repression, are ways of dealing with traumatogenic (capable of producing a wound or injury) experiences; that is, experiences -- originating in childhood – the feel threatening to the self’s integrity. This is the way we protect ourselves from further relational injury. It works remarkably well, except for one thing: it impairs one’s ability to become intimate and feel happy, and causes isolation and despair. This is the false or shadow self that we hear about. As I tell my friends, your pain was spawned in a relationship and it is only in relationship that reparation will take place. Reparation is integration on a psychological level. And integration of self is the interface of psychological health and beginning spiritual realization and understanding.
i think of these defenses in
i think of these defenses in terms of what is unbearable. The experience of whatever it was is so horrible that the moment(s) were perceived as being a death experience. Lasting forever, so that the pain was obliterating and ultimately threatened the structural integrity of the ego itself.
Our mind represses what actually happened and then makes a negative of the event, which seems to be imprinted on our souls. So we can only see what actually happened by looking at its shadow. We can only see what is repressed sometimes by seeing the complicated efforts the mind makes in order to avoid it from happening again. And what damage this does to our relationships.
But I think it is really a fear of death that stops us from staring it in the face. Maybe a fear of being terrified. If I keep expecting that the terror will be around the corner, it will probably never come.
I wonder if such a thing will surface in meditation. How funny would it be if I really feared all this time that I would be terrified if I looked at myself, when really I might just be bored and disappointed that I am so dull?
here is a poem i wrote ... just now
I meant to say something about how holding a rock in my hand, I feel envious that it is not attached to me-- I cannot be part of it -- I cannot know its history -- and yet, if I am yearning for a rock, essentially I am forgetting or displacing the person I am in this moment.
I am hungry in this park with a rock in my hand
It weighs of sickness in this decade
Jagged with its own dreams and memories
Of life scattered across the world, it sleeps
I let go calmly falling to the ground
Nothing No cry of pain and betrayal
Straus park is home to unhappy angels, bitter
strangers to eachother faces full of clouds
My neighbors, I see garbage in the skies
a blackbird dream reflection of self, this being, looking
solid, sees nothing again frozen in fear
And millions of rocks laugh in my absence
SACER AND AND THE ARE OF INTERBEING
Sacer, this is quite a beautiful poem, deep in its pain and desire. What a mix of conflict and fear and loss. What better way to begin a meditation than to go as deep as we could into our own loss. But, this is where meditation has its limitations, as well. For some of us, the loss is so terrifying, we cannot go there alone, we need relationship as a buoy when the floundering feels too much. We need to understand the nature of our loss so that language itself can soften the pain through understanding. As Camila said, the naming is part of that understanding, a way to temporarily order reality until the self feels solid enough to begin dissolving what no longer serves us.
“I meant to say something about how holding a rock in my hand, I feel envious that it is not attached to me-- I cannot be part of it -- I cannot know its history -- and yet, if I am yearning for a rock, essentially I am forgetting or displacing the person I am in this moment.”
Or, if I am yearning for a rock, I am yearning for a type of relationship that is “rocklike,” steady and ever-present. And so, I seek the rock of relationship and I desire to become a solid self as a result of internalizing that relationship. This is the mirroring function that relationship plays. Lastly, this splitting you describe as “if I am yearning for a rock…I am forgetting or displacing the person I am” is likely a function of self-protection because that is exactly what relationship is: the bringing together of the yearning and the strengthening of the self through a deep internalization. From a more spiritual perspective, you are not separate from the rock; you and the rock are made of the same material. As Thay (Thich Nhat Hahn) would say, you and the rock inter-are. By the way, your poem reminds me of paul Simon’s brilliant dirge, `I Am a Rock.’
A winters day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
SACER, MORE THOUGHTS ON DEATH AND UNDERSTANDING
“i think of these defenses in terms of what is unbearable. The experience of whatever it was is so horrible that the moment(s) were perceived as being a death experience. Lasting forever, so that the pain was obliterating and ultimately threatened the structural integrity of the ego itself.”
Many of my friends of the years have pointed to this fear of death. But, what death? Have you ever experienced death? No, they would say. What we call death anxiety is really anxiety over what we have experienced, and that is loss, necessary and unnecessary losses in the process of life. Loss takes myriad forms – abandonment, rejection, neglect, massive empathic failure, etc. and in their own ways, they are little deaths. And all these little deaths lead to the big death, which we don’t yet know but which we anticipate and project onto as a memory of pain. Yes, fear is the memory of pain, and so as part of a deep analytically-informed meditation practice, we look to memory to guide us through the bridges of suffering leading to the source. Now, Buddhism would tell us the source is mind itself, and that would be correct from a phenomenological perspective. But, we -- especially westerners – need to go the other source to understand our suffering – childhood and the formation of personality through the relational vicissitudes of relating. We need to understand the sources of our emotional suffering as truly as we need to understand the ultimate nature of reality, which is empty of inherent existence. These are the poles of understanding – the psychological and the spiritual. Both, are necessary in our spiritual quest. Both are necessary to understand the nature of loss. For example, from these two perspectives, “ego” has different meanings. Psychologically, ego is self; spiritually, ego is ignorance. Both related, of course, but riding along different ontological and therefore meaningful tracks. Both address Who I am through What I know and How I know what I know. And both interweave so exquisitely and ultimately end up in the same deep silence, if the individual has the disposition, capacity and desire to reach far enough.
I would really love to
I would really love to respond to this more in depth. just a quick note, before my computer battery dies, though.
I've been reading Existentialist Psychotherapy by Irvin Yalom--a wonderful book that opens lots of doors for me and evokes lots of questions.
I could pick apart the following statement rationally and logically, but this was the gist of what I felt the other night. I probably should have written it down then becaust it seemed a lot more fundamental then.
I realize that one of the main themes of my life as a 32-year old man has been to see myself as an insignificant person. As I become more aware of the finite quality of life, I have not stopped wasting time (I'm working on that) but I do worry that I will be of no value to anyone. Everything hinges on that, it seems. If I were of no value to anyone, then life is meaningless. Yet I value myself, even if I do not have evidence of my own value--it's relative to myself, i.e. I am not objective.
Accordingly, I tend to seek value in what I see as pinnacles of social value, which I see in art, music, literature. So I have idolized certain people like Kafka and Beckett and Adorno who have shown themselves to be singularly brilliant in their introspection.
But as I looked into why, the rationale for seeking out such aspects of life, one could say, is like a "transitional object." I trace my interest in books and literature back to when I was about 10 and spent the summer away at my aunt's house in the country... I ended up being terrifically bored. Over the years I had a few years where I was obsessed with sci-fi and fantasy books, then role playing, then finally as I was about 18 I started being interested in poetry and literature.
Long story short, the intellectualization of life was a defense against depression, so I have become an intelligent person. But I feel like in order to grow, I need to give many of these things up in order to truly take a leap of faith as far as Buddhism and meditation is concerned.
I keep spending wads of cash on books (well, used books) in the hopes that I will cumulatively reach insight via randomly coming across a lot of literature, some of which is insightful and helps me to put my thoughts into language. But it seems bound for failure. I think it's time to stop being an intellectual and start being a .... well, maybe just a being.
anyway, I'll respond to the other posts next time i'm around.
Sacer, i think this is
Sacer, i think this is you. i have been following your posts lately, but if i missed anything please accept my apologies. i really connect to this last post your's. it feels very connected as you are able to talk about your understanding of values and identifications. for me too, the hardest thing to do has been to feel instead of think and intellectualize my feelings. i find the more i talk about it with other people the more i am able to keep present in the stew of feelings that is always simmering underneath my intellect. i have to remind myself to constantly ask myself "What am I feeling." Learned this trick from Om. Sometimes I realize that I haven't asked that question of myself for days, or i haven't asked at the most crucial of times. I think I forget, being it is something I was not used to doing, but also it could be that I didn't want to feeling what I was feeling. So by not asking the question, I did not have to acknowledge the feeling. Anyway, keep it up, Sacer, I will be reading along. Thanks for the opportunity to reflect on myself situation by reflecting on your's. It is a great gift.
NICO, WHAT ARE YOU FEELING?
Hey Nico, thank you for your participation. You very much enrich the dialogue. It’s also clear you are doing a great deal of introspection and deep processing but I noticed you haven’t spoken about your meditation experiences. What are your thoughts on meditation?
Om, I have been so sleep
Om, I have been so sleep deprived lately. Suddenly I am in the grips bouts of insomnia. I am constantly tired, exhausted almost, but when I try to sleep I can't. I feel anxious about many things now, but mostly it is my turbulant relationship with my isolation. part of me creates it and another part of me hates it. eventhough i am more open and have more relationships than before, somehow it still bothers me.
i have been thinking meditation would help but i haven't done any lately. i have allowed it to drop from my habits, and now that i feel so tired concentration is so hard to achieve. but now that you remind me, i will try again. thanks.
what are you feeling? how you doing?
Nico
For me, one of the most helpful instructions with regard to meditation is don't try to concentrate. Just be where you are. Let the thoughts and feelings come. Label them. Angry. Anxious. Frustrated...... and don't attach any story to them. Just acknowledge them and don't try to stop them. Say hello to them and go back to the breath as many times as you have to. That going back to the breath ,even if it only last sa moment before the next thought arises is just bringing yourself back home. Hold the judgements.
I have had a hard re-entry into life after my retreat. I didn't prepare myself for returning and with the weather so hot and humid, I feel very cut off from nature which is not good for me. So I keep returning to my cushion and just letting what comes be. By not attaching a story to the feelings I let go of them more easily. Not that they don't come back - they do. But I have moments of relief, of feeling connected, and that grows with each sitting. For me, it has become the only way. I am told that by doing something for 6 weeks, it become habit. Hang in there.
Thanks, Em, for the words of
Thanks, Em, for the words of encouragement. They really help. What I meant about the concentration part of it was more like my thoughts being so scattered the last few days, that I have trouble even sitting down to meditate. But when I do make it, I just accept my thoughts and feelings. I just have to do it.
I think it great that you are spending more time on the cushion. I gotta get my butt used to mine.
How's re-entry into life going? Feeling more adjusted or still a little off?
I have to say, it has been strange not having your voice on the blog more regularly, like it used to be. Mr. Plumbean too. And Arnold also. And Anya. But you were a regular regular. I miss your prose and humor. Especially the Cheney jokes.
Keep meditating.
Nico
thanks so much for missing my voice.... I miss it too sometimes. I don't know whether I am agitated or calm - go figure that one - but the retreat was so intense and there are always shifts which I don't understand and won't understand until I have time to let things settle. There are so many changes going on in my life right now that I oscillate between the insanity of holding on and the freedom of letting go. I found out when I was away just how much Mr. Plumbean loves me and only me - this time he even rejected Anya and bit Arnold who tried to give him a carrot. These birds have trouble with attachment. Makes my attachments seem minor. .
During the retreat, a rabbi named Allan Lew came to speak one afternoon about suffering. He lived in a Zen monastary for ten years before becoming a rabbi so his take on things are very interesting and funny. I was sitting on a cushion right by his feet, which I would never have imagine, not ever. I liked him so much I went up to him afterwards and said to him that if I had known him as a child that maybe my son would be bar mitvahed today. I scooted away before he had a chance to tell me it was not too late.
In the airport on the way home ( I must have looked ready) an old woman sat down next to me and began to cry. Her flight had been cancelled and her husband had died a month ago. I held her hand and just rubbed her back. Since then, I have been hiding in my room. Just tending to myself a little longer.
Plus, I have been bitchy. Trying to sit with that too. ( While everyone else is running away).
EM AND RABBI ZEN ALLAN JEW
Em, I agree with Nico, you are dearly missed when you are not here. You have this quality quite rare I would say in your ability to experience yourself in the world so fully, even if that fullness includes suffering, which it often does. And the joy is so full, too. I love your story about Allan who, in lieu (Lew :) of a Jew became a monk who in Jew of monastic life became a Rabbi and is now Zen Rabbi Allan Jew. This mosaic of consciousness is the best of the Western potential and openness to a higher order integration of spiritual traditions. In fact, this type of hybrid epitomizes emptiness. For example, Allan is empty of non-Allan, Zen and Jew elements. These ostensible aspects of Allan's expression of consciousness all share the same elements and so are full of all experience. This is emptiness in action. In this light, how can Zen-ness and Jew-ness be different, even though they're distinct? Allan must know this to be true and I'm sure expresses this vast interconnectedness in his compassion and humor. You could tell a real empty individual by their humor. Emily is empty, too.
suffering and all that stuff
There is joy in suffering. My suffering is just a marker of my passion for life and my struggles to let go of what I love, accept what is impermanent. When I am in a place of sorrow or grief, when I am suffering, that is the calling to do the hardest work, to dig the deepest, to get to the root of feelings and understanding. I believe that I will always suffer as part of the ebb and flow of life, but the key is not holding onto it, not claiming it as a permanent part of my life; not creating a story to hold it, because when I become attached to my own stories I become inflexible in how I see. Once I attach to a story, it becomes fixed. Desire is what causes suffering. Sometimes I suffer when I do not get what I want. Sometimes I suffer when I do get what I want. To deal with that, I must be present to what is right here, right now – the beauty of the moment, the feeling of the moment. I am not saying anything that already has not been said here.. I have to cultivate compassion for myself – accept that I feel all these things; they come and go, and I have to accept their movement. Without compassion for myself, I cannot have compassion for anyone else. When I dislike myself, I dislike everyone. If I sit with desire and suffer then I am not engaging with everything right now and I miss my life.
So Om – you asked if I believe that I/one can overcome suffering. I believe that suffering exists and will always exist. Look around – there is so much. At the same time I don’t have to succumb to despair. In the midst of things, I can see beyond or through to the absolute beauty of life.. I do believe that everything connects to everything else – that there is some continuation of spirit. Where I get hung up is the idea that one can avoid suffering all together – I think it is felt over and over again for all kind of reasons, but that how one grows around it is what “overcomes” it.
Om you wrote that all the teachings say this: suffering is caused by self-centeredness and egocentric strivings. I really hate this way of seeing it. These words seem to be psychological words and to have judgment attached to them. You may not be ascribing them with judgment but for me, they come loaded. I think there is a gentler approach: we suffer because we get stuck in our own desires and our desire to be “somebody,” whatever somebody means to us. When we are in that state, we can’t see beyond ourselves to the other. Without the other, we are alone. Our lives are defined by the relationships that are formed with self and beyond. In seeing, and being present to other, we become present to ourselves. This is, I know, just a repeat of what has already been said. I need to own it with my own language.
Rabbi Lew – was very funny in speaking about desire. It is always there, always something to deal with. It is the thing that causes suffering and the thing that can push us to do more. He reminded us that Adam and Eve had everything they could possibly want – except that one thing – the damn apple. Desire shapes who we are. His position is that we are wired for it and that we have to continually work against it. It is just a fact.
When people talk about overcoming desire/suffering, the pitfall for me, is when I hear that it is somehow “wrong,” to have it in the first place. For me desire and suffering is as natural as taking a shit. But when I hold onto it, it is indeed, very constipating.
NICO'S BACKPEDDALING AND EMILY'S RECIPE FOR MEDITATION
Em, this advice to Nico should be on everyone’s refrigerator.
“For me, one of the most helpful instructions with regard to meditation is don't try to concentrate. Just be where you are. Let the thoughts and feelings come. Label them. Angry. Anxious. Frustrated...... and don't attach any story to them. Just acknowledge them and don't try to stop them. Say hello to them and go back to the breath as many times as you have to. That going back to the breath, even if it only lasts a moment before the next thought arises is just bringing yourself back home. Hold the judgments…. I keep returning to my cushion and just let what comes be. By not attaching a story to the feelings I let go of them more easily. Not that they don't come back - they do. But I have moments of relief, of feeling connected, and that grows with each sitting. For me, it has become the only way. I am told that by doing something for 6 weeks, it become habit.”
You can see Nico this would be an ideal time for you to get back into meditation. “I feel anxious about many things now, but mostly it is my turbulent relationship with my isolation.” People often associate meditation with isolation because of its obvious aloneness, but in fact it is just the opposite. Isolation is a state of mind the experience of which is feeling disconnected from others and, most importantly, from oneself. Emotions and thoughts are split off. Meditation helps to heal the split and reveal the true nature of the fractured mind, which is intimately interconnected with the world.
“Part of me creates it and another part of me hates it.” As Emily says, you must drop the judgment. Learn to tolerate what’s intolerable through the practice of patience and perseverance. “I have allowed it to drop from my habits, and now that i feel so tired concentration is so hard to achieve. “ even if you fal asleep while meditating, that’s good, too. I love naps.
By the way, Nico, thank you for asking. I am feeling quite peaceful these days yet still looking forward to a little break to rest the mind and deepen my practice. When isolation is no longer an issue, alone time is particularly important. I hold a lot of afflicted energy each day in my work and so caring for myself aside from daily practice is vital for my well-being. Nature and vast spaces, sitting under evergreens and being by the water are what I love most. You and I should do a bike ride one of these days, too.
Caring for self
Om, you said: I hold a lot of afflicted energy each day in my work and so caring for myself aside from daily practice is vital for my well-being. Nature and vast spaces, sitting under evergreens and being by the water are what I love most.
Oh brother Om. I am with you here. It was so hard for me to return to DC - although the weather was beautiful when I returned, but we are back into the hot humid stuff, which just zaps my energy and cuts me off from nature. Being outdoors is oppressive. I long for water. Always have, but live too far from water that I can not just sit beside but jump into. Now that has been a source of desire and suffering! I am aware, more than I have ever been, just how important the connection is to nature and those large, vast spaces, not just for their beauty, but for the sense of things larger and greater - a reminder of just how small I am in the universe. That smallness is sobering and very comforting as it gives me a sense of self that is at home in relationship to everything else. When I am lonely, isolated, or just disconnected, it is usually because I am grasping at something - like being larger than I am, like wanting to be a somebody, when I am already am a somebody/nobody.
And yes, about compassion. If you have compassion for others but not for yourself, than it is incomplete compassion.
WE ARE ALL SACRED (WO)MEN: WHEN IRONY TRANSFORMS INTO AUTHENTIC
WE ARE ALL SACRED (WO)MEN: WHEN IRONY TRANSFORMS INTO AUTHENTICITY
Around 25, many years after me and what's his name, the kid with the buzz cut and thick glasses and peanut butter sandwiches, richard something or other,--we'd sit there after lunch and before my father died, in the auditorium, before the auditorium changed its form, or rather me changing my inner space to one that included death -- as a now maturing dots king who was confirming once again that it’s not the Hokey Pokey, but rather those dots, or rather the depth of the subject connecting them, that most defined truth... and i'd begin with the dots, tens or hundreds of dots placed equidistant, and as straight as a euclidean prepubescent kid could make them, and they'd spread out geometrically until they became a large square of dots just waiting to be connected, as if the universe, or maybe my all mixed up inner world, depended on it; and something like order was waiting there to happen…
Do you know what those dots are, Sacer? They are emptiness waiting to be realized through meditation. Meditation will inform us that the dot is empty of inherent existence and so ceaselessly contains all of existence (non-dot elements). And whether this dot is you or me or Irvin Yalom or the many psychoanalytic models that serve as metaphors for human functioning from Freud’s drive classical model or Winnicott’s relational structure model or Kohut’s self psychological model or Stolorow and Atwood’s intersubjective model; or Nagarjuna’s 70 stanzas or Abhidarma, the systematic analysis of mind (both of which are highly compatible with psychoanalytic models); or dependent origination and the twelve Buddhist limbs; or the many explanations and interpretive linguistic reconstructions of affective states, such as, anxiety, depression, or character and personality formation; whatever, it’s all about the dot perceived and conceived in its true nature, as empty of inherent existence.
And so, we can use metaphors of mind (and I will play all day with you in my sandbox of metaphor) to help order reality with the hope of understanding human consciousness on the various lines and levels of psychological functioning (and, my friends will tell you, I do this all day long) and begin to strengthen our sense of who we are to and in our embodied selves and in the world of other selves relating and berating and chelating and over- and underrating. And this is the most beautiful, because underlying these metaphorical language games, called psychoanalysis and abhidarma, is caring and the desire to create joy and alleviate suffering; but, they are not the whole story. They are part of the story and not even the best part, because understanding their theoretical systems is ultimately unsuccessful. Why? Because they rely on the very thing that causes suffering: language. Only a methodology superordinate to or transcendent of the conceptual mind will reveal to Cognizance the ultimate nature of reality, which is empty of inherent existence. This is not a theoretical statement; it is a plea for you to directly experience or refute its truth, for direct experience by-passes any belief, theoretical proposition or presupposition about what Real and Reality are.
With that said, let me address your post of this morning. If I can sum up your experience, it is that you perceive yourself as an insignificant person who is of little value to others but who values himself. Because you have no value to anyone, life is meaningless. The things you do value, aside from yourself, include art, music and literature and you feel inspired and are in awe of brilliant minds, such as, Kafka, Beckett and Adorno, who we might call existential thinkers because they focus on existence itself from a deeply subjective perspective. These artists feel to you like transitional objects, a term coined by Winnicott and which refers to objects, such as, James’ blanky, that enable the infant to transition through emotionally unsettling periods. In short, you have become an intellectual, at least partly, as a manic defense against completely sinking into depression. However, you share with us that this defensive project “is bound for failure” and that you need to “give up many of these things… in order to grow.”
How beautiful is that? Sacer summed up in a paragraph. Except for one thing; it’s probably wrong, at least the part regarding your immersion into the intellectual world of ideas and narrative forms. Why do I think it’s wrong? For one thing, it attempts to reduce the most beautiful relationships into a pathological symptom. Did you ever think that your relationship to art is what saved you? Did you ever think that your depression is actually a sign of health and that you are losing the opportunity depression as a crisis creates? I think living in this world and not being depressed is a sign of insanity! In that case, your problem is that you are sane in an insane world yet have just failed to see it! Yes, it is true that depression can at times be completely debilitating and paralyzing; but, in general terms, depression is a sign of health. What you need to do is befriend your depression as you would any intimate relationship: get to know it as deeply as you can. And turn that sign into meaning. Most likely, you will need a teacher to guide you but there it is. Depression is a sign of health. What we do with it however, will determine whether this relationship is transformative or a prison sentence. Some people simply get so seduced by depression they refuse to get out of it. It becomes their blanky and they get to stay pissed off for the rest of their lives. This is the irresponsible way. The responsible way is to get help and respond to the depression in a way that will allow it to be replaced by compassion and love. Yes, I do believe it is possible; I bear witness to it everyday. I’ve in fact wrestled the shit out of my own depression many years ago when it had me on the floor for a second count. I will make this very bold statement right now: There is no excuse to allow depression to take over your life, I don’t care how much loss you’ve had, how sick you are. I have heard stories of loss that would raise the hair on your neck. Loss of whole families, tragic loss, violent loss, all of it. But, irrespective of how painful our lives are and what circumstances we now find ourselves in, we are still responsible for seeking and getting help. What life ultimately comes down to is overcoming suffering, and the only way to do it is by changing one’s mind.
MEDITATION IN ACTION
I’d like to share an excerpt from Chögyam Trungpa’s `Meditation in Action. The chapter is called “Patience.”
There is usually a neurotic aspect which causes us in some way or another to react to a given situation and develop a neurotic way of dealing with it, which is not at all the true way. That is acting according to one’s conditioning rather than according to what is. So in this case the person would not have the ability to develop freedom because freedom is not properly presented to him. Freedom must be presented properly. In fact the word freedom itself is a relative term: freedom from something, otherwise there is no freedom. And since it is freedom from something, one must first create the right situation, which is patience.
This kind of freedom cannot be created by an outsider or some superior authority. One must develop the ability to know the situation. In other words, one has to develop a panoramic awareness, an all-pervading awareness, knowing the situation at that very moment. It is a question of knowing the situation and opening one’s eyes to that very moment of nowness, and this is not particularly a mystical experience or anything mysterious at all, but just direct, open and clear perception of what is now. And when a person is able to see what is now without being influenced by the past or any expectation of the future, but just seeing the very moment of now, then at that moment there is no barrier at all. For a barrier could only arise from association with the past or expectation of the future. So the present moment has no barriers at all. And then he finds there is a tremendous energy in him, a tremendous strength to practice patience. He becomes like a warrior. P. 13-14.
There is so much packed into these two paragraphs, so much for us to discuss here. What Trungpa calls “neurotic” is anything false to one’s true nature, one’s true self. Neurotic implies suffering because it is based on a craving, grasping self unaware of the true nature of reality. This self-cherishing, egocentric, self-centered self is bound to miss the mark of awareness the primary reason of which is its complete focus on the past. Even if this self is focusing on the future – I want this, I want that; I wish this, I wish that; I fear this, I fear that – it is still in the past, for the future IS the past. As William Faulkner said, “The past is not dead. In fact, it's not even past.” When we are fated to keep repeating the past, in our feeble and heroic attempts to master trauma, we blind ourselves to what is and what the future might be. We remain ignorant of the true fact of time, that it is a razor’s edge of this present moment. The moment we slip out of this now, as Trungpa, and Tolle also, refer to, the past and its projection, the future arise in consciousness in the form of craving and grasping. As Komiko says, “We crave pleasant sense experiences and grasp after their continuation, while we crave the cessation of pain and grasp after its cessation.” Simply, this mode of being is conditioning, habit. We have lost our minds and are now imprisoned in them. they are not our own and we are not free to directly experience what is.
As we have repeated time and time again, the only way to this freedom is awareness. Awareness is the opening of freedom and the freedom of openness. Perspective and awareness share the same space because perspective means emotional depth while awareness means the understanding of that depth, what mind cognizes as emptiness. Emptiness is the barrier of form giving way to the interconnectedness of form. Barriers begin with fear. Fear raises the wall to protect but at the same time closes out the light of awareness. The intellect and emotions bifurcate and end up in opposite (opposing!) realms of awareness. The intellect attempts to take charge and run the show but is often waylaid by the pressure of emotions needing expression. Bouts of rage, the impulse to withdraw, intense anxiety, confused or irrational thinking, depression, etc. all reflect mind’s ineffective attempts to control unconscious fear.
It is the practice of presence and staying in “that very moment of nowness” that the warrior emerges. “And then he finds there is a tremendous energy in him, a tremendous strength to practice patience.” The warrior for Trungpa is not the warrior the western tends to think of as aggressive and violent, but a mode of mind that masters the challenges of life. The warrior acquires personal freedom and power through compassion, discipline, courage, patience and self-knowledge. The warrior synchronizes mind and body, self and other, and overcomes negative afflictive emotions and habitual behaviors. I call these skills of relating and being in the world the four C’s: consistency, compassion, control and clarity. These four mental factors protect and keep us grounded in the sacred dimension of life, as we radiate outward to others our reclaimed goodness and sanity. This is happiness. This is joy.
Om
I think I understand what "patience" means. However, I don't see how the "now" can be dissociated from the past and the present. I certainly agree that, in and of itself, the now is pure freedom and awareness, or perfect clarity and strength, but to me it comes from a prior thought or experience or a future expectation of satisfaction. Do you mean that the now is free from the past and future because it is a pure and therefore perfect expression of what is that is contingent on a necessarily imperfect past or future expression without which the now could not exist?
DEPENDENTLY BECOMING PAST DEPENDENT ON `NOW'
Dependently, great question. Thank you. The "now" you speak of, what is sometimes called "Pure Being," among other terms, is a level of nondual awareness superordinate to conventional awareness, the ordinary dual (subject-object) awareness we experience day to day and which is dependent on time and space. Superordinate suggests that this level of awareness transcends but includes ordinary everyday awareness of past, present and future. So when you say the pure experience of now "comes from a prior thought or experience or a future expectation of satisfaction," I would have to disagree only because tense, which emerges out of the concept of time, exists only on a conventional (dual) level of awareness and, as such, is rendered illusory; that is, time is a relative experience constructed from mind and thus is impermanent and lacking independent existence. From a nondual perspective, there are no contingencies because contingencies are dependent on space and time. In this way, birth and death are also illusory states. As Nisargadatta says, "Have your being outside this body of birth and death and all your problems will be solved. They exist because you believe yourself to be born to die. Undeceive yourself and be free. You are not a person." What he means by this is that "person" or self is a mental construct which, like space and time, has no independent and permanent existence.
Your question is also relevant because it is related to our discussion on suffering, the cause of which is the belief in a separate, permanent self that exists in time and space and which is born and dies. This belief is erroneous.
Om
You said What life ultimately comes down to is overcoming suffering, and the only way to do it is by changing one’s mind.
I agree with you Om, although I think overcoming is a tricky word and can be taken in a way it is not meant to. I don't think I "win ," over suffering or even conquer it; for suffering exists in me and in the world and will continue to do so. I walk down the street, I see suffering.
It is how to live with suffering. To stand side by side. with it That is my image. That is where mind comes in. To hear suffering as a voice calling for deeper compassion to self and to others. To see it as a voice calling for action.
I find myself suffering when I think that Anya will be leaving home in less than a month. Those feelings of loss are real. In the next breath, I see that her leaving means that I have done my work. I see that it creates an opening for me to explore new parts of my life. That is mind. The suffering exists, but my relationship to it is different.
Overcoming it, is not denying it. That is where I think people get confused.
EMILY AND OVERCOMING MYSELF
Em, thank you for asking for further clarification regarding the experience of suffering (dis-ease) and “overcoming suffering,” as I phrased it. Though the term might be tricky (and I agree), I very much like it and use it to point to the exquisite paradox of mind: its pure luminosity and its tendency to suffer. To over-come suffering is to bear witness (as if standing “over” it) while coming face to face with it. But, the objective is to free ourselves from the suffering caused by undue attachment. The mastery or accomplishment of disidentifying with the suffering self (ie, “changing one’s mind”) causes a continual, consistent sense of peace, its ultimate release of which is the cessation of suffering, as the Buddha and other masters have described it.
What we are talking about here are stages of meditation, not whether we can overcome suffering or not at any particular stage. In the beginning stages, in particular, the emphasis is on “living with suffering. To stand side by side with it,” as you say. But, the aim is to free ourselves through compassion and insight (wisdom). It comes down to an unfoldment, of building a bridge between deep contemplation and action that leads to inner transformation. What you consistently point out is the link between our own happiness and that of others, which is the essence of Buddhist teaching. But, we must be very careful not to separate ourselves from others when we cultivate compassion; that is, compassion toward others and self-loathing toward ourselves is not compassion. It doesn’t mean that we wait to be happy before we help others, but it does mean strengthening our faith and conviction about the very aim of spiritual practice: to free ourselves from the suffering caused by attachment to conventional reality and our self-centered ways.
EMILY, MORE ON "OVERCOMING" SUFFERING
Em, I was thinking more about your post today. Something felt unfinished for me and I wanted to get back to it. I was getting stuck on a few of your statements and wondered whether you felt the cessation of suffering was possible. As you know, though I do not ascribe to any religion (including Buddhism), I ride everything on my faith that we can be completely free from suffering if we stay steady on and are committed to a particular path. Is this a radical way of thinking? Absolutely, but that's the point.
Faith is by its very nature radical; it dismantles reality at the very root. `I Am That,' Nisargadatta's teachings that I have been comenting on, is entirely dedicated to the complete freedom from suffering through the cultivation of awareness. The Buddha's path is one of compassion and insight (wisdom) both of which ultimately lead to the cessation of suffering. Jesus' teachings, as well, at their purest level, also claim this freedom by detaching oneself from the sins of this world and entering the divine dimension of Christ Consciousness. All these teachings agree on one thing: suffering is caused by self-centeredness and egocentric strivings. The psychological precursor of freedom from suffering is the development of empathy, the deep feeling for others as a mirror of self-love. Self-love is the pinnacle of psychological development the enduring state of which is the dissolution of self. In Buddhism, one verse says, "The Buddhas... lead the beings to liberation by showing them reality." This "reality" is no-self or emptiness.
Nico and Om, yes that
Nico and Om, yes that statement about intellectualization was mine. how did you know? (haha)
thanks for the response. I guess what i want to highlight is the idea of "insignificance."
New York is a great place to be an insignificant, anonymous person, or non-person, or non-self, etc. It is not a great place to get attached to the dream of being someone. It famously chews up people and spits 'em out. How does the song go?
"GO HOME!
GO WEST!
GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM!
OH, WHY DID YOU EVER LEAVE OHIO?
A MILLION KIDS JUST LIKE YOU
COME TO TOWN EVERY DAY
WITH STARS IN THEIR EYES.
THEY’RE GOING TO CONQUER THE CITY,
THEY’RE GOING TO GRAB OFF THE PULITZER PRIZE,
BUT IT’S A TERRIBLE PITY,
BECAUSE THEY’RE IN FOR A BITTER SURPRISE.
AND THEIR STORIES ALL FOLLOW ONE LINE,
LIKE HIS,
LIKE HIS,
LIKE MINE!
(Leonard Bernstein, "What a Waste" from Wonderful Town)
I never realized how this specific delusion really does have existential consequences instead of just being a rough wake-up. In fact, it's not just NYC, but the American Dream, that you can "be somebody" and thus be someone else than yourself. And it's not just the United States but a creeping shopaholic culture that is taking place all over the world in the metropoltian centers of global capital. (And usually you are taught today that being somebody is all about buying the right stuff and being in the right private clubs and being wealthy, rather than just being a normal person). But no matter how oppressive it gets here ... there are a lot of advantages: first there are a lot of communities of all kinds that practice meditation. And since we have to interact with so many strangers, every day we have the opportunity to try something new in being "mindful" when we talk to people.
But maybe we should be trying to change the city motto not to being so competitive and impatient to being patient, aware and unattached, even in those situations when you want to scream. Emily, you must have been the Buddha or something at that airport. I have many times when I have gotten so irritated recently.... last week, for example, I almost got hit by a bus when I was in a crosswalk and the bus turned into me when I was walking. I flipped the driver off! What good did it do though?
-----
Re the intellectual stuff: I just think that even though I am interested in philosophy and similar high-consciousness stuff, some of it comes from a point of view that is entrenched, oppositional and even full of despair and hate. I think that some Marxism is like that. I don't know if it's good for me to read it, or to spend my time doing something else (there's only so much time). It is kind of fun to think about postmodernity and aesthetics, and art, etc., but I also think that some of it has lost its moral urgency, or never had it. It's like an interesting game that doesn't have a end to it, which claims to be real life and also claims that "real life" is false. But somehow it doesn't ring true--this in addition or because it is sometimes so complicated you can't figure out what they're talking about. Buddhsim, in contrast, is clear and simple, you can experience it first hand, and therefore it rings true for me. Yet because something doesn't ring true doesn't mean that I want to let go of it, as a tool for things that I find, as a way to deconstruct a discourse, for example.
In short, I think that the reason why I find intellectual things interesting is that the world is desperately illogical... and depressing too. So in one way or another, I try to make sense of it. If I didn't try to make sense of it, just accepted it, it would be easier... but it wouldn't be a place I would want to live in. The intellectual side of me wants to analyze things on this particular social level, and unfortunately the most I can see is a very pessimistic, negative and nihilist kind of interpretation. I think that this is a normal reaction because it is a reflection both of mainstream politics and the left/anarchism which I have been involved in. (The left has never been able to advocate anything positive on a really radical level for a long time, if ever. In anarchist thought there are actually people who advocate the destruction of civilization). I can get nowhere when it comes to seeing what's actually going on on an interpersonal/social/and intrapsychic basis. It seems that, on a crude material level, we are helpless to do anything... except that ... somehow this is not the case because there are a few visionary people who actually do stuff and are effective.
What I would really like to do is just be in a position (in a social work position since I'm getting an MSW) where I can put the spiritual side of me into action that might converge, on the other hand, with some of the intellectual interests that are actually positive, for example, working with former psych patients to form some kind of housing community. I'm trying not to judge myself as a success or failure. Judging will lead to failure, of course.
PUTTING THE SPIRITUAL INTO ACTION
Sacer, when it comes down to it and we wash out all the words, it’s always the same thing: silence. A turbulent, churning mind is simple that, turbulent and churning. It’s not about philosophy, psychoanalysis, Marxism, Buddhism or anything else; it’s about silence. When you change, the world changes with you. Changing one’s own mind is transforming the entire universe. No, you might not see it changed, but that’s because you’re still looking from an old, conditioned way. Sit in the stillness and silence, wade through the boredom and sleep and restlessness, and let the sky of consciousness open up into the real. It is only then “action” in its true meaning, will align itself with the spiritual. We must stop focusing on time and urgency and space and the violence of living, if only for 20 minutes. Over time, it will all be revealed as it is.
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Flying off
Out of the night – here I come…
Hello friends. I must admit I do not know if I will ever catch up on the conversation. I may, I admit, just have to jump in where I am now and find my way back into your conversation. I will get back in the flow – just need some time for re-entry and to settle back in after my retreat So forgive me for just barging in out of nowhere to toss out one story about my leave taking to get to the retreat... I admit that this is a long story and you do not need to feel guilty if you do not read it. Offended, I will not be. Here goes>
STUCK IN A KAFKA NOVEL
I flew to California to study with my teacher and several other teachers from the institute that he founded called, Metta Institute. Frank, my teacher is the person who first saw “me” and helped me to see myself. He started the first Zen Hospice in the country and now, through his institute, trains those of us who work with people at the end of life. He is a young man – perhaps, fifty-four. Radiant, fit, full of love. Like all great teachers, everyone who is exposed to him feels recognized and loved.
I arrived at the airport last Thursday at 7am. The retreat/ workshop was to begin at 5:30 pm West Coast Time. Since it is such an intense experience and one where the participants are actively engage in both silent and experiential work one is strongly encouraged not to be late and not to come if it is later than 8:30 am the morning after the retreat begins.. Since I have studied with Frank many times, I had extra leeway in my arrival, but I know that missing out of more than a half day will alter the experience not only for me but for everyone else as well. That must be honored.
My plane was delayed by an hour and a half. No big deal. When the engines finally started two hours later, I settled into my seat.. As the plane began to taxi the captain announced that there was a problem. The oil light was one. In one hundred degree weather with suffocating humidity, the engine, and along with it the air conditioning went silent. We waited like this for 45 minutes until a mechanic arrived. Ten minutes later, the captain announced that we needed a new part. The part would have to be driven from another airport. He thought it might take two hours. The passengers got off the plane. Two hours later, the mechanic and the arrived.. During this time, no one was telling us when, what, where Out the window of the terminal many of us watched in disbelief and partly with a growing anxiety as the mechanic, with flashlight in one hand and a manual in the other, tried to figured out what to do. At one point, the pilot left the aircraft to go down to the mechanic where they both seemed to peer into the darkness of the belly of the plane. The confidence of the passengers, including myself, was just beginning to dim. But it got fixed! We were ready to leave! We got back on board and taxied down the runway. As we were getting cleared for take off the Captain said,” Folks, we have a problem, but this time it is not our fault. It is so hot that parts of the runway are buckling. It has to be repaired.” He went on to tell us that the runway at the other side of the airport was fine and we were going to taxi across this great expanse and take off from there. By now, I have lost track of time, but realize I have missed all the connecting flights that this airline offers from LAX to San Francisco. I figure, when I get to my first stop, I’ll just deal with it and find a flight to get me to where I needed to go. When the plane reached the other runway, we ease up to number three in line. Suddenly, there is that sound – you know the one where you hear a pause in the sound system just before someone speaks (I am getting very attuned to this)
“Hey folks,” comes that disembodied voice. “I am really sorry but we have to go back to the gate. We have been on the runway so long; we do not have enough fuel. This will be just a quick delay (once we taxi across the airport again) and it shouldn’t take more than fifteen minutes.”
OK. I am resigned now. I know they will have to find me a connecting flight once I get to LAX. I go to the bathroom. I don’t know why I have to pee, since this entire time (it’s probably about 2 o’clock,” they haven’t offered us anything to eat or drink. And mind you, I have dumped all my airline miles since I couldn’t find any seat on economy (this was several months ago) and am going First Class. What a great reminder that when you think or pretend you are somebody, you remember I am nobody. ( I meant that in the best sense). But that’s not point at the moment. I am going first class and I want something to drink and I want food. So as I am innocently relieving myself in the bathroom, thinking that they will offer me something in moment, I hear the flight attendants outside the door, “ There is gas everywhere, “ one of them is saying frantically to the other. “Get everyone off the plane.”
Fuel is spewing out the aircraft and pouring down the wing making a river on the runway. Back in the terminal once again – there is no one to help us, no one to tell us what is going on; no one cancelling the plane so we can find a new flight. We wait for at least an hour before I hear that click in the sound system again. Someone with an upbeat voice is reporting to us that the fire department has arrived . It will only take about two or two and a half hours to clear us for take off.
I call Arnold. He says, “Do not get on that plane.” I am not going to get on that plane, but I am going to this retreat.
I telephone my sister who lives in LA and knows how to deal with corporate insanity. She searches for other flights and finds one leaving at 7:20 pm from another carrier directly to San Francisco. (From there I have about a 50 minute ride to where I am going). Since no one is around to help me, I call American Airlines as I sit on the floor of the terminal charging my phone. I wait for an hour for someone to help me. She is very nice but has to leave me, promising to come back, while she tries to find out what she can do. She comes back to tell me that the flight has not been cancelled. And as she is sharing this information with me, the crew, luggage and all, is walking past. They have reached the maximum number of hours they are allowed to be on the ground before their flight takes off. I tell the woman on the phone, leave me again. When she returns she say, “ Your flight has just been cancelled.”. . Another couple beside me,, desperately trying to get to their daughter’s wedding, is also on the phone, doing what I am doing. The three of us get booked on the United flight. We are told just go to the gate. They will give us our boarding passes. We have forty minutes. We run to get to the gate at the other end of the terminal. No one is there. No one shows up until ten of seven, thirty minutes before take off. We are issued boarding passes. Then, in the next breath, are informed that we may not get on the plane. We have no proof that we went through security. Our boarding passes are not stamped. . I try gently to explain the insanity of this – we have been in the terminal for 12 hours, etc, etc. I have my American airlines initialed boarding pass. But they are fierce and roaring at me. I asked for a supervisor. There is no one that will come to us. We must go through security.
We race through the terminal, get on the shuttle back to the main terminal. We are not to worry. Security knows we are coming. Yes, thank goodness. They are waiting. We get to get in front of the line. I look like shit. And I don’t care. I can’t breath, and I do care.. I get through x-ray – time is really running out now. And then as I go through with my new companions, we are guided into the glass booth because we have been tagged for extra security. Then comes the full body pat down, my bags opened, my shoes scanned again ( thongs) and the security guy is asking me why I am in hurry. I still have not lost my temper. It would not be useful. I just say, wouldn’t you be if your plane was leaving in ten minutes and you have been waiting for twelve hours to board?”
We race to the shuttle, go back to the United terminal and run (why didn’t I have my inhaler???) . People are stopping to stare. I look as if I am running the Marine marathon. We reach the gate. The man, who refused to let us on board the first time says, “ I was wondering where you guys were. I was about to close the door.”
I arrive at the monastery at 12:30 am West Coast time, found the key hidden in the garden for me and got to sleep a few hours before the early morning bell. In the late morning as we break the silence for teaching, Frank, looks at me and smiles. “You made it, Emily,” he says. I look into his eyes, which are a pure place of rest, and say, “I certainly did.”
That night, Frank had a heart attack. He survived, which is a mystery, although not a mystery. For two days, he was in intense pain, but thinking, denying, hoping, it was just serious indigestion. Although they found three blocked arteries, and feel that he had at least a series of four or five heart attacks, each getting more and more intense, he had minimal damage to his heart. During his pain, he sat and breathed. Not that I would recommend waiting as long as he did (and we will all tease him about his denial) – I can’t help but wonder if his practice protected him from greater damage.. He had surgery yesterday. Before he did he made certain to write us a letter, ask forgiveness (for what?) and to arrange for some of his amazing friends and colleagues to fill in the workshops that he was going to co-lead.
All of us sat with our fears, and love for Frank and feel into this new and unexpected experience. It shaped what we were doing and brought us all to a deeper intimacy.. This was no theory. It was just life.
Once, I had finally gotten my seat on the United Flight, obviously shaken from the day and my sprinting, I called Arnold. I mentioned that I had not eaten all day. When I hung up, there was a hand reaching out to me from across the aisle. In that hand was a huge, red apple.
I am grateful for woman across the aisle.
I am grateful for my own determination to get where I needed to go.
I am grateful to have learned to think about intimacy in a new way: into me see.
Into you, I see.
May there always be a red apple in your lives.
Em, welcome back.
Great story. Amazing and captivating. I am amazed you didn't lose your composure with airport security and personnel. And then to have your teacher suffer several heart attacks? It all sounds so surreal.
It sounds like one of those twists in life where you plan something to learn a particular something else but it all gets thrown upside down by circumstances beyond our control and we are forces to learn something totally different. In this case, intimacy from a hand holding an apple! Adam and Eve!
Amazing Emily
So good to have you back! What a story! Don't worry about losing the thread of the conversation, we were all just waiting for you to come back anyway.
It's so interesting that all of these life threatening things happened at this retreat about death and dying. Pretty incredible, really. It''s like someone's trying to tell you, screw workshops, the lessons are right in front of you if you can open your eyes and see it. Most people would just be pissed and annoyed by the whole plane experience and let it eat them up inside, but you were able to maintain your sense of tranquility, as much as it is possible in such circumstances. You should tell Frank that he needn't have a series of heart attacks and surgery to teach you about death. He was over-reaching if you ask me.
THE ZEN OF EMILY
First of all, Em, welcome back, we missed you truly madly deeply. Second, your workshop should have been called `Breath and Diving In.' Little did you realize the workshop began at the airport. How many mishaps make a Buddha?
Yours is such a bizarre story it is the most perfect example of absurdity and how mind potentially gets trapped in it. As I was reading I felt your mind just observing yet without getting attached in any real way to what for most people would be the chance of a lifetime for victimhood and railing against how unfair life is. And then Frank's heart attack. So, what have you been doing recently to have received so many great gifts? If this doesn't demonstrate it's all mind, I don't know what would. Beautiful, Emily, beautiful. Thank you for this treasure of a teaching on emptiness.
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“Page 111, please” (`I AM THAT’) All Suffering is Born of
All Suffering is Born of Desire
Q: What is happiness?
M: Harmony between the inner and the outer is happiness. On the other hand, self-identification with the outer causes is suffering.
Q. How does self-identification happen?
M: The self by its nature knows itself only. For lack of experience whatever it perceives it takes to be itself. Battered, it learns to look out (viveka) and to live alone (vairagya). When right behaviour (uparati), becomes normal, a powerful inner urge (mukmukshutva) makes it seek its source. The candle of the body is lighted and all becomes clear and bright.
Q: What is the real cause of suffering?
M: Self-identification with the limited (vyaktitva). Sensations as such, however strong, do not cause suffering. It is the mind bewildered by wrong ideas, addicted to thinking: 'I am this' 'I am that', that fears loss and craves gain and suffers when frustrated.
Q: A friend of mine used to have horrible dreams night after night. Going to sleep would terrorise him. Nothing could help him.
M: Company of the truly good (satsang) would help him.
Q: Life itself is a nightmare.
M: Noble friendship (satsang) is the supreme remedy for all ills, physical and mental.
Q: Generally one cannot find such friendship.
M: Seek within. Your own self is your best friend.
Q: Why is life so full of contradictions?
M: It serves to break down mental pride. We must realise how poor and powerless we are. As long as we delude ourselves by what we imagine ourselves to be, to know, to have, to do, we are in a sad plight indeed. Only in complete self-negation there is a chance to discover our real being.
Q: Why so much stress on self-negation?
M: As much as on self-realisation. The false self must be abandoned before the real self can be found.
Q: The self you choose to call false is to me most distressingly real. It is the only self I know. What you call the real self is a mere concept, a way of speaking, a creature of the mind, an attractive ghost. My daily self is not a beauty, I admit, but it is my own and only self. You say I am, or have, another self. Do you see it -- is it a reality to you, or do you want me to believe what you yourself don't see?
M: Don't jump to conclusions rashly. The concrete need not be the real, the conceived need not be false. Perceptions based on sensations and shaped by memory imply a perceiver, whose nature you never cared to examine. Give it your full attention, examine it with loving care and you will discover heights and depths of being which you did not dream of, engrossed as you are in your puny image of yourself.
Q: I must be in the right mood to examine myself fruitfully.
M: You must be serious, intent, truly interested. You must be full of goodwill for yourself.
Q: I am selfish all right.
M. You are not. You are all the time destroying yourself, and your own, by serving strange gods, inimical and false. By all means be selfish -- the right way. Wish yourself well, labour at what is good for you. Destroy all that stands between you and happiness. Be all -- love all -- be happy -- make happy. No happiness is greater.
Q: Why is there so much suffering in love?
M: All suffering is born of desire. True love is never frustrated. How can the sense of unity be frustrated? What can be frustrated is the desire for expression. Such desire is of the mind. As with all things mental, frustration is inevitable.
Q: What is the place of sex in love?
M: Love is a state of being. Sex is energy. Love is wise, sex is blind. Once the true nature of love and sex is understood there will be no conflict or confusion.
Q: There is so much sex without love.
M: Without love all is evil. Life itself without love is evil.
Q: What can make me love?
M: You are love itself -- when you are not afraid.
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This, today’s reading of Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj’s `I Am That’ is a perfect marriage for our posts on feelings. What Maharaj does here is help us to see the difference but overlapping aspects of psychological and spiritual awareness. When we speak of spiritual, we merely mean that which begins internally and is transpersonal, that which transcends but includes conventional awareness, the reality of duality, subject and object. Convention means the material world. But, happiness or joy, as I like to call it, is impermanent on a conventional level. For happiness must transcend as well as include conventional experience. This is harmony. “Harmony between the inner and the outer is happiness. On the other hand, self-identification with the outer causes is suffering.” What makes this statement so interesting is that even optimal psychological well-being, in this world, will not create permanent happiness. What it will create is the opportunity and portal for spiritual realization.
(Will continue later :)
CONTINUATION OF COMMENTARY OF PAGE 111 (I AM THAT) SALVATION
“The self by its nature knows itself only. For lack of experience whatever it perceives it takes to be itself. Battered, it learns to look out and to live alone. When right behavior becomes normal, a powerful inner urge makes it seek its source. The candle of the body is lighted and all becomes clear and bright.”
There are two levels of causes: inner and outer. The inner causes are what we are interested in regarding healing, true change and transformation. To see only outer causes is to objectify oneself and miss (ignore) one’s entire resource of wisdom and repository of joy. Yet, before self is sufficiently self-aware to perceive the germs of illusion, Maharaj suggests that suffering must occur. This makes sense when we realize that the cause of suffering is ignorance (the inability to understand the true nature of reality, which is empty of inherent existence). So, in this sense, suffering is our greatest teacher. Because we fail to realize this, however, we lose moment to moment opportunities to set ourselves free. It’s as simple as that: realize the source of your suffering and the suffering ceases. Pay close attention to the signs and develop a strong intention and earnestness to succeed in your spiritual quest. Don’t judge feelings and thoughts, just look at them with the keenness of an eagle.
“Q: Why is life so full of contradictions? M: It serves to break down mental pride. We must realize how poor and powerless we are. As long as we delude ourselves by what we imagine ourselves to be, to know, to have, to do, we are in a sad plight indeed. Only in complete self-negation there is a chance to discover our real being.”
I love when different religious orientations converge in their teachings. This is most true of Maharaj’s statement: We must realize how poor and powerless we are. He is referring for one’s preparation for the salvation of realization, that deep wisdom we call emptiness. Salvation (from the Latin, salvation), which suggests a “storing up,” needs to be understood in the context of self-seeking, where it is connected to the original idea of sin, which means literally, to miss the mark, to lose self-awareness. This principle of losing one’s self-awareness brings salvation and sin back to the seeker, to the very interiority of spiritual seeking, rather than outside the seeker, where forgiveness will be granted by a God who has power over the seeker.
This is how I interpret Jesus’ saying: Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven." This exquisite beatitude best exemplifies the quality of spirit revealed in self-seeking; it is not the literal giving up of this world, but the transcendence of one’s attachment to this world as the real and ultimate reality. “Only in complete self-negation there is a chance to discover our real being.”
When the notion of sin and salvation are aligned to the practice of self-seeking, they are once again elevated to the realization of one’s true spiritual nature through the “storing up” of consciousness. The energy one transforms through meditation (and prayer) is “saved.” The seeker finds salvation as she breaks through the illusory perceptions of this world and surrenders to the Light of Pure Awareness or Christ Consciousness.
And the very paradox of that realization often begins with the words, I’m in pain. And though the seeking is deep within one’s interiority, I’m in pain is in our conscious experience, the pain of emotional suffering longing to empty out the “poverty of spirit”-- an emptying that, for me, is the work which has its roots in the relationship.
My Indefatigable Friend Says, “Page 448, please” (`I AM THAT’)
The Unknown is the Home of the Real
M: Ask yourself: ‘To whom it all happens?’ Use everything as an opportunity to go within. Light your way by burning up obstacles in the intensity of awareness. When you happen to desire or fear, it is not the desire or fear that are wrong and must go, but the person who desires and fears. There is no point in fighting desires and fears which may be perfectly natural and justified; It is the person, who is swayed by them, that is the cause of mistakes, past and future. The person should be carefully examined and its falseness seen; then its power over you will end. After all, it subsides each time you go to sleep. In deep sleep you are not a self-conscious person, yet you are alive. When you are alive and conscious, but no longer self-conscious, you are not a person anymore. During the waking hours you are, as if, on the stage, playing a role, but what are you when the play is over? You are what you are; what you were before the play began you remain when it is over. Look at yourself as performing on the stage of life. The performance may be splendid or clumsy, but you are not in it, you merely watch it; with interest and sympathy, of course, but keeping in mind all the time that you are only watching while the play -- life -- is going on.
Q: You are always stressing the cognition aspect of reality. You hardly ever mention affection, and will -- never?
M: Will, affection, bliss, striving and enjoying are so deeply tainted with the personal, that they cannot be trusted. The clarification and purification needed at the very start of the journey, only awareness can give. Love and will shall have their turn, but the ground must be prepared. The sun of awareness must rise first -- all else will follow.
----------------------------------
I love the experience of synchronicity, the seemingly mysterious of the ostensibly coincidental! My friend asked my to read this particular teaching of Nisargadatta this morning, where Maharaj asks: `To whom it all happens?’ This simple opening addresses all the posts of the last day or so, Dependently Dependent’s post on the experience of “now,” Emily, Nico and my posts on suffering; and Sacer’s latest post on just trying to figure it all out and integrating action and spirituality. Maharaj’s response: “Use everything as an opportunity to go within. Light your way by burning up obstacles in the intensity of awareness. When you happen to desire or fear, it is not the desire or fear that are wrong and must go, but the person who desires and fears. There is no point in fighting desires and fears which may be perfectly natural and justified; It is the person, who is swayed by them, that is the cause of mistakes, past and future.”
I said in my last post that, when all is said and done, it comes down to silence. Of course, I didn’t mean silence itself but silence as an opening to emptiness, to no-self; to the self that no longer identifies with itself as an inherently existing entity, as an independent, permanent existential fact. All the concerns, sufferings and even pleasures we discuss are all caused by our belief in a separate self. And so Maharaj asks, `To whom it all happens?’ There just is no “whom” to be found outside of conventional reality, the reality we impute identity through mental constructs. I say silence because silence through meditation is the ONLY way to realize, discover, understand, know – any word you want to use – this fact. We can talk about no-self until we’re blue in the face but no words will pin it down and make it experiential plausible or real for you without your direct experience. I say we can be free of suffering and you say, prove it. and I say, sit. “When you happen to desire or fear, it is not the desire or fear that are wrong and must go, but the person who desires and fears.”
“During the waking hours you are, as if, on the stage, playing a role, but what are you when the play is over? You are what you are; what you were before the play began you remain when it is over. Look at yourself as performing on the stage of life. The performance may be splendid or clumsy, but you are not in it, you merely watch it; with interest and sympathy, of course, but keeping in mind all the time that you are only watching while the play -- life -- is going on.”
This is the logically formulated statement of nondual awareness but it is nothing more (and everything more) than its words. Sit, will you, please, just sit.
EMILY AND THE NO SELF-CENTERED, EGOCENTRIC SELF
Em, beautifully said. I am wary of the sufferer and the joy in the suffering. I have seen too much attachment and indulgence and flighty effulgence coming out of the idea and emotions of suffering. It is one thing to use suffering as a marker, which is the psychological and spiritual practice; it is another thing to find joy in suffering. And this is exactly what I don’t trust of the cunning mind, the mind that wants to suffer as a thwarted way of regaining connection. I see too many namers and blamers and pity-party-ers and sour grapers and victim-makers walking around the streets of life to trust suffering. What I love about your post is how it seems to conflate two things: suffering and joy; and, the logic of that conflation: that suffering exists therefore it will always exist. (“I believe that suffering exists and will always exist. Look around – there is so much.”). There is something slippery and subtle and seductive to the mind that attached itself to suffering. War and violence exist but I don’t find believe they have to. War and violence begin in our minds-- in mine and yours – and will remain until we have the strong conviction that they don’t have to. Will war and violence end in our lifetimes or before the sun implodes? That’s not the point. The point is, as you so clearly relate, “when I am suffering, that is the calling to do the hardest work, to dig the deepest, to get to the root of feelings and understanding.” This radicalizing of suffering, dismantling it at its root, is what freedom from suffering is! As I argued with Arnold a while back, during meditation, there are in the beginning, very brief moments where there is the cessation of suffering, the realization of a deep peace. The suffering simply dissolves. Whether this is a second or five seconds is not the point. That the brain is wired to desire is not the point either, because brain is not the whole story on the evolutionary ladder; it is a rung. Mind has the capacity to override to a great degree brain mechanisms. For example, as part of MIT’s brain research, very advanced meditators have altered brain chemistry to such a degree as to respond to ostensibly shocking images or stimuli with complete equanimity and peace. The old mind over body cliché is real. This is what the Buddha realized and thousands of masters and practitioners have since.
Here is a perfect example of your statement that I disagree with (italics mine):
“I believe that I will always suffer as part of the ebb and flow of life, but the key is not holding onto it, not claiming it as a permanent part of my life; not creating a story to hold it, because when I become attached to my own stories I become inflexible in how I see. Once I attach to a story, it becomes fixed. Desire is what causes suffering.”
I totally agree with your formulation that the key to freedom from suffering is not holding onto it. It is absolutely true that we suffer because we get attached to our own stories. I love this. But, that doesn’t mean that you will always suffer. This conclusion is exactly the conclusion that I am suspicious of and don’t trust. You have the “key” but don’t believe it is the key, based on what you are saying. The ultimate meaning of the key is that, by reaching a level of awareness and compassion that realizes the nature of suffering, we then TRANSCEND the ebb and flow of life. We are no longer IN the ebb and flow; we have risen ABOVE the ebb and flow. That is, we no longer suffer even though the suffering is all around us on the conventional plane of existence. As individual consciousnesses that realize that “individual” and “consciousness” are nothing more than mental constructs, nominal dresses we impute to consciousness, we are free from suffering. Now, achieving that self-realization is another story, of course, the when of realization. But, when is an absolute certainty that emerges out of a cultivated faith. You (anyone) ask me to prove it and I say: okay, sit. But, no one is willing to sit and find out for themselves. What can I do but watch the wheels go ‘round and ‘round, pick my nose and sit, write and love? While, by the way, I am still suffering because of my persistent self-centeredness and egocentric strivings :)
Picking at small bones
Om, I don't think we are far from each other on suffering. I am right there with you but there is a little corner that I can't turn since I can't find the right words. I get stuck, but I know the door to my cage is always open.
I agree that in the storm of things around me/us, there is a place of deep stillness, peace, that transcends the suffering. But I still believe that suffering exists; that I will feel it - grieve at losses ( isn't that suffering) which is the appropriate response certain moments. I also believe that with time and sitting, that grief will be transformed and that within that grief I will see the peace and beauty of life that exists regardless of anything that has happened.
I agree with you - that you can not prove anything. The proof is in each of us. It is a journey of sitting, of silence. But the belief that it is possible comes from witnessing a person who embodies these ideas, lives them, breaths them, whose spirit just pours forth in a clear heart, a listening ear, and great generosity ( compassion). I have come far on my own, but it was meeting Frank where I saw with my own eyes and felt in my soul, what was possible. He reflected back to me all that I am. In his very real physical suffering right now, he is sitting, breathing, knowing that within his experience will be a much greater one of understanding. I think we are talking the same thing.
When I say that I will also experience suffering because of the ebb and flow of life - I mean ( and you may still disagree) that there will be things that I respond to, like death or loss, with grief and suffering as I struggle to let go - but that response is a normal first response which I can't deny or would want to. My suffering will be transformed if I allow myself to see beyond it. I understand that I can "recognize suffering," without being caught in it's eye.
Yes, I suffer deeply sometimes. But I let go as deeply. There are shorter and shorter periods between the feelings and the letting go. That's where my faith is. But each time, it still a challenge to see it clearly, to see myself in it clearly, to see my relationship to it clearly, and to settle.
I was one of those suffers in my early life - suffering as a way to know I was alive. Had an idea of joy, but didn't understand it at all. Just not a way to be. So I don't be that way. I still feel the loud calling of dread or suffering or whatever else you call it -that feeling that zaps the joy out of seeing, of loving - I shout back, " Shut up," but it doesn't listen. Then I sit and say nothing and it has no space to enter. I agree, from my own experience, sitting is the vehicle for transformation.
Time for lunch. I am serving up a question. How do you distinquish pain from suffering? How do you address pain as opposed to suffering? Answer these, and you get dessert!
EMILY IS MY JUST DESERT
“I agree that in the storm of things around me/us, there is a place of deep stillness, peace that transcends the suffering. But I still believe that suffering exists; that I will feel it - grieve at losses (isn't that suffering) which is the appropriate response certain moments.”
I love this woman! Em, thank you again for these precious thoughts. Let me use your own words for a thought experiment. I will replace `I’ or “me/us” with “mind.”
“In the storm of things around mind, there is a place of deep stillness, peace that transcends the suffering. But suffering exists; mind will feel it - grieve at losses… which is the appropriate response in certain moments.”
Something has changed here. The `I’ is gone, the `I’ that suffers. When mind, as part of mental activity, imputes a mental construct on consciousness, it appears as `I.’ And suffering emerges as an effect in the ignorance of that activity. If mind steps away from the belief in a separate, independent, permanent self, suffering ceases as a part of individual consciousness. Suffering still exists in the conventional world mind witnesses, but to the individual consciousness once believed to be Emily, suffering has ceased. But, this mind has not reached enlightenment, so Emily keeps appearing in the form of a suffering self. However, this Emily’s practice is strengthening and the disidentification process is realizing more and more gaps of “deep stillness, peace that transcends suffering.” In fact, the self that heretofore constantly suffered, is, through more questioning, deeper insight and understanding, and more consistent compassion, slowly giving way (unfolding) to an awareness of which realizes the union of Cognizance and Emptiness.
“I also believe that with time and sitting, that grief will be transformed and that within that grief I will see the peace and beauty of life that exists regardless of anything that has happened.”
Em, take out the `I’ and I think you will have cleaned out the corner. Empty the `I’ and there will emerge a “witnessing a person who embodies these ideas, lives them, breathes them, whose spirit just pours forth in a clear heart, a listening ear, and great generosity (compassion).”
“When I say that I will also experience suffering because of the ebb and flow of life – I… that there will be things that I respond to, like death or loss, with grief and suffering as I struggle to let go - but that response is a normal first response which I can't deny or would want to. My suffering will be transformed if I allow myself to see beyond it. I understand that I can "recognize suffering," without being caught in its eye.”
The veil of fear lies square in the middle of the `I’ that fails to understand the ultimate nature of reality. The mind is so cunning that it creates the illusion that, if you dissolve `I,’ you will lose everything around you – your family, your possessions, your very life. The truth of the matter is that you will. But, not the way you are imagining it, because it is the `I’ that imagines. The `I’ must go for suffering to cease. There is no other way. We begin in the foolish sloppiness of meditation, flail about, fall asleep, go more insane, and then in time the resistance gives way to knowing and luminosity.
The philosopher Hegel said, "to supercede is at once to preserve and negate.” Suffering indeed exists but a new understanding of I elevates the world where the `I’ is merely part of the worldly web of interconnectedness, and will never again be reduced to the individual. The higher field preserves the lower. Once achieving a higher level of awareness, the `I’ will never again take on an alternative meaning.
This is my vision of consciousness as evolving towards, bending towards realization, like a field of sunflowers reaching for the sun, on the road towards the great round mountain somewhere in the center of the universe, still smiling after 400 million years; after sowing its seeds of dharma, and the Native American Lenape community settling there seeking communion, and sitting on God’s great round white eggs of rock, sitting on time as it unceasingly rolls its finger over the globe in the honk and black fluttering of birds; toward the uplifting forces, the physiography of thought on the foothold of sky as evolution, with its increasing complexity, differentiation/ integration, organization/structuration and love, mixes the sediment in colors of paint, like a child, hand over hand, creating piles of metamorphic crystalline sandstone, as the river’s floe beats downward towards a wider translation.
And here we are now, like climbers on ropes pulling with bodies and arms upward, feeling for the footholds and crags, yet seeking the wider view, outside the strictures and suffering of rope and pull, the holds and spaces time erodes in the shaking out of self. And we hold out our hands like discovery, swiftly slipping into the contorted mystery where there is a swelling within, like the mountain against the greens of earth rippling into the reds, white and gray of sky that wants to let go, wants to surrender like a black feather of crow floating effortlessly around light-- like a blue flame slow burning beneath the heart….
EM, TWO BOOKS FOR YOU
Em, I have two little jewels for you to read: `Glimpses of Abhidharma’ and `The Sanity we are Born With,’ both by Chogyam Trungpa. If you are unable to find them, I will send you my copies. Strangely, I came across these relatively recently. I say strangely because these books were written in the 70’s and speak directly about the integration of Western psychology and Tibetan Buddhism. Trungpa was a radical teacher and there was (and is) much controversy around him, but his teachings are pure, for sure.
PS. I distinguish between physical pain and emotional suffering, yet even in physical pain, mind perceives and interprets. The body will go in one way or another but the aim is to free ourselves from the identification with its impermanence. In that way, the body is a perfect object for meditation.
Word substitution
Om, I get it! I am amazing how the change of a word changes everything, makes what I am struggling to see, seen. Deepening is a lifetime of continuous effort - sometimes with more ease than at other times. I don't want to settle into the mind of oh yes, I understand: isn't this wonderful, because I know that whatever it is I understand there is more behind it and more behind that. Each awareness is an opening to another and another.
I have made another decision. It began to stir while I was away and as I sat with it, it became clear. I have offered myself as a volunteer at Josephs House, a wonderful hospice for the homeless in the neighborhood next to mine. It is run by a dear old neighbor of mine and a growing friend, who studied extensively with Frank, and who through him we were reaquainted at a retreat, after not seeing each other for over twenty years. Over the last few years, I have done a few inservice workshops for her volunteers about dementia and have visited on a few occassions. It is a place of deep spirit and love and a continued committment to deepen in practice. I realized that I wanted to be part of that community as well as offer my service to be at the bedside of whoever needs me. At my own home, the staff have taken the helm and look to me for spirit and support and to work with and be a buffer with the difficult families. The day to day care is not part of my role there anymore and I need to put myself back into direct care and service. And I needed so much to be part of a community right here in my backyard. With Anya leaving, I must widen my own exploration as she widens hers. I can't think of anywhere I would rather do it. I have so much to give and still, so much to learn.
My teacher, Frank is at home starting the long road of healing. His is overwhelmed by the outpouring of love. He always said that at the end of life there are always two questions that people ask: Am I loved? and Have I loved well? I think by the outpouring of love towards him from so many people, he has his answer.
And to all of you here.... I, now, as always, want to know how you are doing. The question is: What are you feeling?
hello, Emily
hey Emily -- so i got home from my trip to Nepal a few days ago, and have been catching up on the blog and settling back into New York City since then. i've wanted to say something in response to all of the conversations that have been going on, with homo sacer and om and nico and megan and you and camila... but in most cases i just missed them. i got here just a little bit late, and those conversations that are still ongoing, well, i've had a tough time writing anything over the last few days. it's not strange being back in new york -- it feels pretty natural, actually. but my timing is a little bit off and i'm still a little bit sick from something i caught a week or so ago. but i think i'm started to get a little back on track.
but anyway, as to my feelings, i'm doing rather well. i feel joyful. i've been enjoying life a lot more lately... for most of the past month, in fact. i was having a rather drab time of it before leaving for Nepal, but i was able to free myself up of much of the weight i was carrying around. i had felt a bit paralyzed, unable to make a decision. for me making decisions is a very important thing. i've begun to notice that too many people create circumstances in order to avoid making decisions. they paralyze themselves. i used to do this far more frequently, and unconsciously. i still paralyze myself sometimes, though now thankfully i tend do something with it, to look at it and to try and figure out what i'm doing and why. i went to Nepal and made many decisions. i eased up. for example, the decision to come home. i wrote a fun little prose piece about the decision to stay in Nepal. see, i wanted to leave, but there were no flights available, so i decided to stay :D then when i was in Bhutan my folks found an alternative for me, and so i came home after all. but there's still that moment, when i decided to come home, then found out that it's not possible. and then what?
so i'm feeling joyful. it's fun, walking around smiling and laughing all the time. i get serious, too, lately. i have moments of sadness and anger. it's sort of unfamiliar, though, in a most wonderful way, that i seem to be returning to joy, as though i am joy and then i experience all of these other emotions and then come back to home base: joy. i've been having a lot of fun with all of my feelings and relationships and difficulties. i've let out a lot of air, there's much less pressure.
so anyway, here's my little story. i wrote it in Bhutan:
---------
when i went to the airport i had many feelings. i was still sick, and really felt quite lousy; also i was a bit sad to leave my new friends, but also very grateful and satisfied to have been able to say goodbye to them -- for a few hours it looked as though i'd have to leave without seeing them again. that was very nice. and, of course, there was my excitement to head to Bhutan, and my determination to make it the last outing of my July adventure. i made the decision to leave Nepal as soon as possible -- perhaps even the day i get back from Bhutan. but when i got to the airline's office, no one was there. one person told me a half an hour; another person told me two and a half. Nepali time makes both sound like an eternity, and i was still unsure how long was necessary for checking-in to my fight to Paro. i finally found a number and called up the office in town -- no flights available before my scheduled flight. nothing at all? not even business class? nothing. drats! all that drama sank in -- i'm trapped, trapped in Nepal. i stilled myself a moment, knowing i needed to take it easy, make a few decisions, and get myself through all the hoops before my flight. i found a phone and called home to leave a message: i'm going to bhutan but would like to leave on the 28th or anytime early if possible, here's my flight info, if no change is possible, or if the only options are massively expensive, i can survive just fine in Nepal for two weeks, thanks, talk to you hopefully soon. a few hours passed, which included sitting and waiting, standing and waiting, and walking through all the security, customs, etc, airport stuff. i rested my weary head on my guitar case for some time, and then boarded the plane.
i sat down and smiled. Bhutan. and after Bhutan -- who knows? and all in all, that wasn't a problem. here's what i said: if i've got to stay in Nepal for two more weeks, i'll stay. but look at that once more. i know it sounds tautological; it sounds as though i'm just stating the obvious -- but appreciate the poetry of the statement, look into the paradox of the need to say it. look into its joy and celebration. sing it. if i've got to stay, i'll stay. not everyone would say this. i myself would not have been able to make this statement -- at least not in earnest -- just one year ago. one year ago perhaps the best i could do was to say, with ragged would-be self-reassurance, "if i've got to stay, i guess i'll stay." it is not only the change in words -- it is the change in feeling. but i can point to the difference in feeling with words. notice the difference. if i've got to stay, i guess i'll stay. resignation -- paralysis. there is no choice, so what am i to do? on the other hand: if i've got to stay, i'll stay. determination -- decision-making. there is no choice for action, so i must decide otherwise. i cannot physically leave, that much is clear, but how do i feel? how shall i respond? i cannot choose whether to fly early, so what can i choose? i will choose to stay; i will make it my choice to accept staying. suddenly there is nothing so scary about staying. it is not being forced upon me. i'm not trapped. you will say, "no, you are still trapped. you cannot leave Nepal. you want to leave but you are unable to, where is the choice in this? you have chosen nothing, you have had the decision taken away from you." but do you see how disastrous this way of relating to the world can be? this is so dangerous. i wish to leave, but there is no flight available, and because i rely so much on the rest of the world as though we are separate, because i see myself as passive to its movements, left ignorant by the immensity of it -- because i see things this way, if there is no flight available, i am crushed. i am devastated. my plans have failed, i am stranded, deserted, a stranger in a strange land with no direction home... frightened, lonely, and small. this is how i still feel about the world, how i still see things. but already you can witness the changing, the remembering -- you can see it in this very simple moment. i was still sick, still without contact, still just as "trapped" as a moment before -- yet i made a decision. i recognized how little it matters whether i leave right away or two weeks later. why? not because i would feel the same either way. no, it is best to be able to make these decisions and to do so on one's own time. i was ready to leave, and it would be best to do so. would i have been sad to have my meeting with those people i miss, my meeting with new york and my guitar and so many other familiarities and love -- would i have been sad to have the time before that prolonged? yes. would i have felt a little sluggish in Kathmandu, with the smog and the noise and so much else? yes. and sometimes these little paralyses can be very serious indeed, and i do not wish to dismiss those occasions when very much is taken out of our hands. i am speaking of no extremes, and speaking of nothing other than my own experience. go into your own experience and tell me what you feel -- i have no argument to take up with that, whatever it may be. i only ask that you listen closely when i say, "if i must stay, i shall stay." why did i say this? why did i say these words, and why after smiling? why did it take me up until that moment in the airplane -- not when we were in Bhutan, not when we saw Everest mid-flight, not when we took off... just when i sat down. what happened then? i will tell you what -- i had no more need of fighting. why is there no need of fighting? better yet, what is there no more need of fighting? ahh, there it is.
Hello Jame
thank you so much for sharing your process. I am so interested in how you moved through the feeling of urgency to get out of Nepal and then settling into the fact that you may not get home as fast as you would like. For me, it triggered so many memories and feelings about times when I felt so desperate to leave or arrive somewhere, but was not able to see my way into that OK - these are just feelings space and suffered in my yearning. I would love ( when you feel like it) to hear more about your experience in Nepal - what your impressions were and how the trip was different than you initially imagined. Things always are, aren't they?
I feel a real deepening in you - an acceptance of some new journey of discovery about yourself, as if your eyes are seeing in a new way. I need more time to let your poem and your post do their magic. It's been a busy day and I need to kick off my shoes, let Mr. P. out of his cage, close up my work day with a few calls, and then just sit and feel. But I wanted to just send this off with a big greeting, a warm hug and lots of love
Lovely to see you "home" again.
hug
Emily, like all of us here, i love your hugs. yesterday i was speaking with a friend about my poem and he said, definitively, "it's not rebellion." he said it as though he was surprised i was able to write a poem that said these things without making a rebellion of it -- a rebellion against God, namely. that i could write this poem without making some Atheist manifesto out of it. of course, i'm not an Atheist, nor am i angry with God, so i've got no reason to do such a thing. but as soon as he said those words i instantly heard, and said, the word 'embrace.' how warm the word felt on my lips! embrace. you can tell i've been reading Rilke again by my joy at the discovery of the very saying of this word. and now that i read this post of yours to me i again think of the word 'embrace' -- only this time it's not the word that feels warm, it's the embrace itself. it's your very warm embrace -- thank you, Emily. thank you for asking, for listening, and for responding. that's relationship, isn't it?
i'll tell you much more very soon, but i'll leave it at the embrace for now :)
monday morning
It is a beautiful Monday morning. I am sitting on my balcony overlooking the little pond, where, this weekend, Arnold discovered a baby fish swimming with the big guys. I am thrilled, like a new mother, to see how healthy this little body of water is and that babies were born ( and not all gobbled up). I have seen three different size frogs either floating on the surface of the water or sitting on the lily pad, which has a beautiful apricot flower in full bloom. Bless you again, dear Noah, for creating this little gem and leaving it in my hands. I feel more and more that the connection to this little pond, to the trees around me is essential for health. Without this, I feel cut off.
It is quiet on the blog these days, but I write to myself ( as well for anyone who stops by) because it is a way to formulate my thoughts and put them out there to see with greater distance. You, my imagined audience give me comfort, ease any sense of lonliness. I was reading in Norman Fisher’s book, Taking our Places, A Buddhists Guide to Growing Up” how he felt the day he took his son to college. He said it was one of the saddest days of his life. Reading this, I felt relieved; I am not alone or crazy in these feelings that well up as I prepare to take Anya to school at the end of the month. There is a trap ( isn’t there always) when I get stuck solely in the idea that I create my own suffering, as if these feelings of loss or sadness are somehow wrong, or an indication that I am not in touch with the deeper meaning of life. Facing these challenges are the meaning of life- seeing them, feeling them, growing out and up from them. Overcoming suffering is not the same as denying suffering. These growth spurts come with enormous emotions: sadness, fears, and joy. I feel, just as Anya must feel, that I am cracking my shell from the inside out. As she learns to fly, I must fly anew.
I too am trying to crack my
I too am trying to crack my shell, Em. This is a wonderful post of your's. You always have an audience with me. And it seems like you enjoyed this day more than I did. I wish I had a pond with fish I could enjoy. But today I wasn't able to enjoy much till late in the day, when I finally went outside and enjoyed the beautiful early eve.
Suffering comes disguised in so many forms, it is a shifty friend pretending to be a friend. I am rambling, so I just wanted to say hello.
I am here as well
just been incubating a bit, while I read along, still on a daily basis. I'm enjoying having Em back too! I'm a big fan. I can't believe it's already August, when those transitional feelings of nostalgia, loss, and yearning begin to stir as the Fall approaches. I'm not ready to let go yet though! This summer, at least, I feel like I've enjoyed it more than most and have gone to the beach more often (something that I am learning brings me instant peace and contentment). Although I am not preparing for such a major life shift as you, Emily, I understand where you are coming from. Something is working its way through me. I have been asking for clarity and inspiration about what I want to do when I grow up, or at least a sign of what comes next. For now, it's still brewing and I am observing. Nico, keep on pecking at that shell, as you too seem to be in the process of rebirthing yourself.
much love to all.
I'll rebirth YOU!!!
Good to hear from you, Camila. Your voice and your words are always missed in the blog. I see that you are dealing with some heavy stuff, especially the what next question. I too always have that one lingering in the back of my mind. It always get me thinking but I never have a really good answer for it. It seems like you are trying to make some kind of decision that is difficult, but somehow I believe you will make the right choice.
I had a dream with you in it a couple of weeks ago. You were sitting on a wall at the beginning of a beach, looking out at the waves in distance as they broke over some reefs and the water then poured onto the beach to create tidal pools. I wade through the water to get to you and I climb the wall to sit next to you and tell you something. It is something I have written on a piece of paper. I whisper it in your ear. When I am done I climb down the wall and walk away through the water.
I can't remember what was written on the piece of paper. It kills me that I can't. Anyway, it was a pretty cool dream because the beach seemed surreal because it was so wide and expansive, with the waves crashing on the rocks and the sun shining so bright.
Anyway, after I leave the beach, I go back to my apartment and find it all flooded. So I grab a broom and sweep the water away.
So that was my dream. Just thought I would share.
Nico's a wave
This dream you describe in
I'll rebirth YOU!!!
is incredible. I'm sorry I didn't comment on in it sooner. Do you have any ideas about what it means? This message that has been obscured from your view..what do you think it could be or what does it's elusiveness signify? The serene beach scene in juxtaposition to your flooded apartment is an interesting one. It kind of reminds me of something that Anusaran yogis say about perspective and how we view things or make order of our lives: When it's inside the house you call it dirt, but when it's outside it's called soil. I know that this probably doesn't seem related to your dream or what it signifies, but I thought it was an interesting distinction: that water rushing in at the ocean is a wave, but in your house it's a flood.
it's true, camila, water in
it's true, camila, water in my dreams does have different meanings. in the beach setting i think it means large and expansive nature, the constant force of the repetitive waves crashing against rock. and the beach was wide and far, almost a moonscape scene with a large tidal pool. and we are alone as i go to you and read a large that i have written to you. then i leave and go back to my apartment that is flooded.
here i think the water signifies secrets and shame. i am trying to sweep the water away, but it refuses to go down easily. exactly what shame and what secrets, i don't know. maybe i will have another dream that will reveal it all. in the meantime, have fun at the beach.
Camila and Nico
Just lovely to "see" both of you this morning. I woke up early, as usual, and fed the cats and Mr. Plumbean, then took a walk as if I am still walking my dog. Finished sitting, and letting all those emotions stir - boy, I am forever amazed at how I try to prevent myself from getting close to the things that make me sad; I fight it and it only makes it worse. At the retreat, we did an exercise where one person asks another, " Tell me a way you avoid your suffering/pain?" and you answer; the questioner says thank you, and ask again; over and over for ten minutes. It is surprising what happens after a few minutes. The next quesiton is " What's right about avoiding your pain?" Again, after a few minutes, it is interesting what bubbles up. And the final question is: Tell me a way you experience compassion? Again, for ten minutes. It is a reminder, at least for me, that there is warmth and compassion near by - like hearing a hello from both of you! Seriously, the joy is enormous. I think, if I am honest, my greatest fear is lonliness. That deep empty feeling. And yet, I spend so much time alone, writing and sitting, which feeds me - but there are times when I bump up against my deepest fear - the big all consuming blackness when I forget to let the light in.
Cam - I am so glad you have been enjoying the summer and getting to the beach! And Nico, Nico, Nico: what keeps you from getting close to your suffering? Hugs
Em
It is a double dip of isolation for me. Like you, I spend alot of time alone, which leads me to isolation sometimes when I am not aware and introspective. In a way, I think I keep isolating myself to learn to master it by recreating it. But it is a losing situation because I will never be able to master it. I can only feel it and the feelings of fear that surround it. But I have been feeling them as they have been keeping me up at night, especially on the weekends. Any little noise will wake me, so I find myself up at night, to the early hours of the morning, caught in a restless semi-sleep. Then I go through the day in a constant fog for lack of sleep. But last night I got out, saw a movie, did some writing, and was able to sleep a good sleep. Thanks for asking.
How's Plumbean these days? Enjoying the hot summer days?
hey Nico!
hey Nico! i feel like i haven't seen you in a while or communicated with you, either. i love the way you look at your isolation: "I keep isolating myself to learn to master it by recreating it." that seems to me one of the two sides of the coin, and the much more important side. the first side is to say that you keep isolating yourself because you're in the cycle of recreating it. just to stop at that point, just to recognize it as REcreation, as a cycle. both seem like important truths found in one's experience, but the side that you point to is the side that reveals: i am (in) this cycle because i must recreate it if i am ever to heal. this is the healthy, i think, that Om points to in something like depression or, in your case, isolation. it's so cool either way to even recognize it as something that you are creating, as opposed to saying, "how come i keep feeling like this? how come this keeps happening to me?" it seems to me that it must take a lot of awareness to break out of this way of thinking and into: I am creating this.
but to move even further into your decisions and your responsibility... to say "i am creating this -- recreating it, in fact -- in order to master it, to overcome it." to move to that level seems a very amazing and healthy step to take! not that it means the feeling gets any easier to bear. perhaps even more difficult to bear, actually. the feeling becomes so much more apparent, now that it is no longer hidden behind little distractions we create to keep ourselves from looking at ourselves. so many of those little distractions are cleared away and suddenly -- bam! -- there's this huge feeling of isolation and nowhere else to turn: one has to simply look at it and face up against it. scary stuff...
so i am very excited to read this sentence where you take responsibility for creating this feeling of yours in such a positive sense... it's not a, "why the hell do i keep creating this stupid feeling?" (not that there's none of that... we all have to put up with that painful experience, too) here there is none of that judgment; all positive: i am recreating this difficult experience because i must heal. beautiful! so then i am a bit sad to read the next sentence in which you say you "will never be able to master it," that it's "a losing situation." but i do not take this feeling of yours, of being stuck in a losing situation, to be a permanent feeling, so i'm not all that worried. but either way i'm sorry to hear you've got to put up with this huge anxiety and fear, and especially at night... to have to carry this through your days in your restlessness... i had a lousy night's sleep last night and it has really taken a toll on my day. i hope you can start resting a little better very soon.
i just wanted to say HEY! for the first time in a while, and to share my excitement upon coming to that sentence of yours :D
Hello you too, James.
Hello you too, James. Where are you these days? Both physically and mentally?
Haven't heard from you about your adventures in a while. Are you enjoying yourself? Are you making new friends and getting in touch with your feelings?
Thanks for the post about my post. I have been on an extended, isolated journey, realizing each step to isolation and learning your I created it. When I say I want to master it, I mean to say I realize it is just another attempt to control a situation that doesn't exist anymore. The illusion from the past. The healthier thing to do is to retrace my steps back and find a way out. That is the course of action for now. I'll let you know how it goes.
WISHING YOU ALL A GOOD WEEK
Heading off for the Vineyard tomorrow. See you all soon. And Emily, you especially have a good vacation. I'll be thinking of you. And don't forget,
sit write and love.
Oma Mani Padme Hum
enjoy the vineyard, om.
enjoy the vineyard, om. and thanks for all your love and effort to us and blog.
Nico
physically is all good news, not because i'm doing so particularly well but because i'm finally taking my bodily health seriously. i've been working my way here directly for about two and a half years now; throughout all that time i've made enough changes in my habits and my diet, etc -- including, most of all, a cultivation of greater mindfulness with regard to how i treat my body -- to be prepared now to begin meeting with people who can help me take the very best possible care of my body -- since i've been working on the other stuff so long.
two days ago i had a very striking and sort of odd experience that seems to have put my entire life, especially the last six months and the last seven years, into a new perspective; a more integral perspective, in fact. i won't go through the whole experience here, but i'll give the little insight that came through. when i was thirteen-fourteen (seven years ago) i had this whole fantasy relationship with angelina jolie. i've mentioned it on the blog a few times, and even did a pretty good job of delving into it in the brief post to which i just linked. it's still sort of uncomfortable for me to read that post, even. but anyway, not terribly long ago i was with Eva -- she and i were once looking inside each other's looking -- and then no longer, and then she was "into the ether-Eva." two days ago for the very first time i brought my experiences with angelina and with Eva together... not that they were the same -- with Eva i was recognized by another person; huge, new stuff for me. it became clear that the last time i was in a relationship with any recognition at all, was with angelina -- when i received (very limited) recognition from myself.
to be honest, i can't even quite share further what the insight is... it's still sort of unclear to me, but what i can say is that i could see, i witnessed, as i wrote to Noah in a letter, "the evolution that i manifest."
james, thanks for sharing.
james, thanks for sharing. i think in relationship being recognized is very important, but just as important is accepting the recognition. what do you do with it then? there is great vulnerability in this position and it takes a strong person to hold this posture. good going.
i myself get a little freaked out when i become recognized. it makes me unconfortable at times and it is a task for me just to stay in the intimacy. i have to practice it more. with that said, enjoy your evolution.
NICO AND THE ART OF ISOLATION
You know, Nico, I always read your posts very closely and love your process of gritty excavation, the finding and making of meaning. Of course, we can’t find meaning, per se, we can only make it. But, what we can do is reconstruct, go back and return through memory what possibly was. And how that was came to form and inform our making. Making is an activity of consciousness, of creating new aspects of understanding through novelty.
If we refer to Deepak Chopra’s fifth fact of existence (since I happened upon it yesterday :) – “you seize every moment with renewed creativity, not clinging to the old and outworn” -- and really go deeply into it, we realize that the new does not exclude the old psychological forms of our existence, but rather re-forms them; that is, transcends but includes their meanings. We don’t erase memory, we hold it up in front of mind’s discerning and wise analytic looking and gain an understanding of, not so much Who am I? – no, no, that comes later—but, Why am I suffering? and How do I, by retracing my psychic steps, carve a new path of understanding in order to transform my suffering into wisdom, compassion and joy. For you, Nico, the answer seems to be in unraveling that strange, dreadful but familiar state of mind called isolation.
Your attempt to” learn to master it by recreating it” is what takes the facts of isolation – the memories of the historical conditions and causes of isolation – and makes the art of isolation. If you think about it, art is always about mastery; it is expressing what we know in this particular creative form and which is usually outside of conventional knowledge. But, I also sense from your posts, at times, a getting-stuck-inside-the-spin-cycle of thought. What I mean is that the experience of isolation gets reified, trapped inside a dense, boggy cave that looks and feels solid, independent of the feelings and other thinking that informs you that this is not really real, this isolation. What your openness reminds all of us is that we must not allow ourselves to get stuck in reification. Reification is a beautiful term (and favorite of mine) that speaks to our tendency to concretize what is not concrete. In fact, nothing is really concrete, not even concrete! And this is because even concrete is empty of independent existence; it is composed of non-concrete elements. What makes it appear concrete is that our 5-sensory system and mind perceives and believes, respectively, that concrete – or isolation – is solid. That the pain I feel right now because I perceive myself to be alone (we mistake aloneness for isolation) was, is and will always be forever more. That really is the experience!!! It must be, because we are suffering and that IS the nature of suffering. Crazy, right? Well, that’s the point. We are crazy; that is, we distort, underestimate and overexaggerate what is. And if truth be told, though we FEEL isolated, we can never in fact BE isolated. And this, my dear Nico, and everyone including me, is the trick to creating well-BEING.
And, to that end, if I can make a suggestion. In your desire to recreate in order to master, please bring clearly and compassionately into consciousness -- all the time – as constantly and consistently as possible, the positive aspects of your life and the unifying truth of who you are – I am the light, I am healing, I am whole, I am love. Or, think of Deepak’s 2nd, 3rd, 6th, 8th, and 10th facts of existence:
2. you are in communion with the whole of life 3. your awareness is always open to change. From moment to moment, it senses everything in your environment. 6. your being is cradled in the rhythms of all the universe. You feel safe and nurtured. 8. you feel a sense of connection with your source. 10. you see all change, including birth and death, against the background of immortality. Whatever is unchanging is most real to you.
hello everyone, I'm sitting
hello everyone,
I'm sitting here at a public terminal--don't have the 'net at my house these days. I have not a whole lot of time to write, so i've been reading.
I actually live for moments of feeling, whether feeling sad or feeling depressed or feeling happy and energetic. Whatever the case, feeling only comes when I am aware. Being aware -- or the moment(s) of awareness, rather--is like the sound of the bell ringing. It returns me to the present.
But in my aloneness I also have a hard time remembering to check my feelings. When I am in the company of certain people, i can easily distract myself with them. This type of person usually is good to hang out with on a superficial level, but no one I can really rely upon, because I am uncomfortable, eventually, in telling them who I am... in expressing feelings that we have never talked about.
But when I am with others--my closest friends, I am forced to reflect on myself, as the other person openly waits for me to open myself. I don't always open myself so easily, but in that case I wonder what is keeping me, what I am anxious about revealing in myself that causes me to be closed. If I like them enough, care enough, and I do express the feelings, I feel like I have been too revealing sometimes. I sometimes feel like now that I have opened up in that way, there is no way back. I become too attached to the friendship. Their friendship to me becomes more important to me than mine is to them, and then they have more power to reject and / or abandon than I do. (I guess this is an abstract archetype, so I think I see manifestations of this in many of my relationships.)
The third type of person is a cross between the two. There are moments when they want to do one thing, they want to have deep conversations and explore this sensitive terrain, but later they just want to party, or they just don't answer the phone. I find that later it is hard to be open with them once I perceive they are not fully appreciating me.
In reality, I am making divisions that do not exist, and there are no 'types' of people. Yet, the mind wants to divide the world, and divide people into good and bad things. But, I know that is basically neediness, maybe possessiveness. I don't know if I am behaving in such a way that broadcasts this kind of issue. I don't know if it is even a behavior but a way of being relaxed, unattached, and stable. Strange, because I feel stable right now, just don't have evidence for it. At least more stable.
I'm meditating quite frequently, and it seems to have some kind of effect. It is a great advancement to be able to do this, because it means that no matter what happens I will always have meditation. Despite the expectations and goals I have in getting a professional degree, they seem like merely interesting games and projects that are just tools to implement what I am experiencing through meditation.
Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well, and although I can't comment currently on the other posts, they were quite interesting. Thank you.
hey HS. i really had
hey HS. i really had wished i could have been part of your discussion with Om (and Nico) a few weeks back, but had limited access to the internet myself at the time, and so was doomed to read along unable to reply! now i can respond, even though now the limitation comes from within.
i'm pretty sure i understand what you mean when you say that you are "making divisions that do not exist," but on the other hand, i think it is accurate and appropriate to experience different people as being on different levels, so to speak. (not to mention that it is honest to your experience to express it this way.) this doesn't limit us to that experience, and we can still have an understanding and experience of things as unified and fundamentally without this sort of division. and anyway, why dismiss the experience? i have a very similar experience myself. it's not (necessarily) a judgment thing... it's just that some people are capable of recognizing me in a deeper way, and others aren't. i can share my feelings with some friends, and only my thoughts with others. it's cool. i think all of this is actually already within the final big paragraph of your post, so i won't belabor the point.
what interests me most is when you say that when it comes to those friends with whom you can share yourself: "Their friendship to me becomes more important to me than mine is to them, and then they have more power to reject and / or abandon than I do." this interests me because it signifies what i take to be the aspect of all of this that troubles you. in addition, you say, "the mind wants to divide the world, and divide people into good and bad things." it's the latter part that is the greater struggle -- recognizing where you can go in different relationships isn't such a huge barrier, but then labeling one good or bad perhaps begins to lead one further astray. so as you say, this or that relationship becomes of particular importance to you and perhaps you begin to cling... but the second part of your sentence is "and then they have more power." it is very important that you are clinging. i think it’s sort of implied by everything found in the rest of your post, but it bears being stated explicitly that “they have more power” is purely a statement about yourself, though certainly regarding other people. in a very important sense, they don’t gain any power, though it certainly feels that way; rather you begin to experience the relationship in the context of rejection and abandonment. something like that, i think. this is where feelings such as, “don’t do this to me,” come from.
perhaps we'll get to go a bit further into these experiences over the next day or so -- for now i've gotta go to bed! nice beginning to chat with you!
thanks for sharing, hs.
thanks for sharing, hs. just you sharing, even if you can't comment on other posts, is relating. it let's us know where you are and how you are doing. we then take it from there.
glad to hear you are meditating. i have been fighting it lately and i don't know why. maybe i am fighting something bigger. maybe i want to be different. or maybe i am just acting out. i will try again tonight.
oh, one more thing, on your categorization of people you can connect with, the ones you don't and the in betweens, i find myself doing the same at times and i have to force myself to share, even if the other person can't understand me or rejects me for doing so by thinking me too different. there could be a million reason why someone would not want to connect, but there could also be another million why they would. if i censor myself so, then i will miss those million. i hope this makes sense.
continuing
hey Nico -- i'd like to continue my response to homo sacer by responding to you, particularly by questioning. why would you force yourself to share with someone you know cannot appreciate, understand, recognize what you are sharing (yourself)? is it to push yourself into sharing every opportunity you get, so that you can practice both the sharing, and so that you can push yourself into possibly learning to trust yourself more deeply? also i get the sense that you are saying you force yourself to share just in case it turns out you are able to connect with someone even when you had thought they were unable.
i suppose this is sort of loaded questioning, but i'd like to respond to all of this as though you, or HS, or someone else were to say, "Yes, this is why I try to force myself to share, even if the other person can't understand me or rejects me for doing so."
firstly i would like to say that it seems a potentially worthwhile practice in each regard. there's the desire to create a greater openness to the other, to learn to recognize the other with increased clarity -- if you choose never to share because you presume people to be incapable of understanding, you may never learn how to discern who is capable of what level of intimacy with you. this would be a tragedy indeed.
then there's the desire to learn to share fully and with a keener awareness; you can see in this an appreciation for practice, and you can see courage. the statement is that one does not develop one's capability for sharing without practicing -- even if that practice means having to struggle with disappointment and rejection.
finally-- there is a kind of reliance on the other that ends up being more of a denial of the other. one finds the other to be too powerful, capable of rejection, abandonment, and other painful failures to the relationship. however, ultimately one bestows that power upon the other; it is not inherent to the relationship, but tied deeply to the wounds one is trying to heal. in my experience it seems to be trust of self perhaps most of all that opens up the possibility of recognizing the other in the pure moment of relationship, as opposed to having one's view of the other skewed within those old cycles. when i view the other (unconsciously) from those old cycles, i am not going to be able to recognize the other; instead i will force the other into some familiar position, into a symbol: just like a dream. if i do not learn to trust myself, i will continue to get stuck -- each time i am disappointed it will be earth-shattering; i am disappointed again and once again come up against that wall: "How can I continue to share when time and again I come up against nothing but disappointment? How can I share when no one seems trustworthy?" if i learn to trust myself, however, two things happen. first of all, i no longer depend exclusively on the response from the other. even if the other completely misses and dismisses me, i feel safe and confident in my own experience; i am not crushed by the other's failure to the relationship, but rather i stand firm. second of all, i begin to learn better how to discern the capabilities of different people at this moment. with all of this growth under my belt i become more aware of my own patterns, and i slowly stop putting myself back into those old familiar places. i stop re-creating my suffering on behalf of my fear, and begin to unveil, to uncover...
thus it is potentially worthwhile to force myself to share even when i have compelling reasons not to.
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secondly i would like to challenge this a little bit. despite honestly and compellingly (to me) arguing why it would be worthwhile to "force myself to share," i was careful to use the word 'potentially.' this seems just as likely to backfire. though, perhaps backfire is the wrong word.
i suppose at the end of the day, this is all going to be further practice, and one has to use whatever decisions one may make to look into oneself. When I forced myself to share with that person, I was sorely disappointed, felt rejected and abandoned, and am now back here feeling isolated, angry, paralyzed... why did I create this?
it is an important sort of question. as long as one is observing, though, i think all's good :P
okay, last thing. Nico, you call what HS does "categorization of people." i wonder if perhaps this is the place where you and i see this differently. i was speaking about this experience as though it were recognizing the capabilities of different people at this moment; you, on the other hand, are referring to it as categorization -- does that carry along with it judgment? is there something unacceptable about finding some people to be capable of recognizing me, of understanding me and sharing with me, and finding other people to be incapable of this sort of intimacy? do you see this as compartmentalizing people, as artificially boxing people into different groupings out of something like fear, or some dishonesty? i don't think it is necessarily one or the other, actually... i think it probably depends upon many aspects of one's experience; that makes this an especially interesting and fruitful discussion :):):) homo sacer: what do you think about any/all of this?
good points, james. i
good points, james. i think you touch upon the core of the experience of relating with others when you say that trusting yourself opens up the possibility of recognizing the other. i think that when we prejudge, categorize and label others, we are looking to fit them into our know realm of experiences so that we can understand them. this is good as it helps us function and comprehend faster, a quicker way to communicate to the other. however, automatically and subconsciously, we already have created limits and definitions in the relationship that were not spoken of or intimated in any way, but are the remnants of past experiences. then the next step is to challenge those definitions and create new ones for the current relationships we live in.
what i was trying to convey to hs is this point, which is also what you are doing. it seems to me, from my own past experiences, that when i find myself labeling and defining others, i am really creating a familiar canvas that i recognize so i can feel secure because i would think that i know the other in a way that allows me to predict their behavior so i can always be one step ahead of them, or i can better interact with them if i have them figured out. yet the security is just an illusion, a lazy way to pretend to know the other.
i agree with hs when he explains the three different types. i experience the same, but i have to be really careful to ask myself if it's really the other person or just me who can't connect. often times, i am pleasantly surprised when i do push up, or force myself, to try to connect to the people i thought couldn't and they respond. in a way, i am being honest when i share with a person my points of view because i am expressing what i really feel. wether they make the effort to connect or not, i feel like i have been responsible to the relationship. i trusted myself to be myself in the relationship. if the other person steps up to the plate or not is up to them. but at least i have stepped on the field and am playing the game.
but really, homo sacer, james is right when he asks, what do you think about all this?
(ps)
(Nico-- thanks for the response! i definitely get what you're saying. i might not be online much over the next few days, but hopefully the conversation will continue whether i am here or not -- and i look forward to continuing to flush this all out whether it's tomorrow night, or in three days, or even (at the most) in a week from now. and if it's that long: everyone have a great week!)
Hey everyone.Man! I feel
Hey everyone.
Man! I feel really out of touch with all of you... because I don't have internet, I have to catch up with this whenever I get the chance to respond. Let me try to go into it as much as I can.
OK, so--to go into the subject from reverse: Nico just said
This is important. I am reminded of what someone I used to date said about me. This person appeared to me to as someone who hardly ever expressed what was on her mind. I would try to get her to talk about her own experiences but she was usually evasive, or so I thought. When I decided it would be best for us not to see each other, she said, "I was going to say the same thing. You're a little bit too self involved." Touche!
Categorization of people: I mean that exactly by my division of them into three types. There really is a qualitative distinction; those people who I want to get close to are often those who I am most sensitive to... those people who could elevate me to the point of feeling loved and cared for as a "unique individual", or hurt especially for my uniquely .... bad traits. We all know that our mothers and fathers--the people who we are most close to and who are supposed to unconditionally love us--are also the people who can hurt us the most if they want to.
Following categorization: this is the same thing as seeking a love object that is near to approximate the form of love that we learned when we were growing up. A man who grew up with "depressed" parents may learn to value only a relationship where love can only be exchanged by crying together. Or fighting together, if the mother and father fought. Etc.
This is kind of an ... immature position to take, in a sense, because valuing one "kind" of person over another is a lot like separating experiences into "good" and "bad."
I agree with James here:
Right, reliance on the other is a bestowal of power. The other probably doesn't see their position as being powerful; they see themselves as being trapped, clinged to, and constrained. The behavior of reliance seems manipulative to the other person.
Or they can be relied on, in the sense of an unequal/abusive relationship--the other can be an autocrat who must control the relationship, especially because the other expects transgression, betrayal or abandonment themselves. Co-dependency, I guess.
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I don't think that I sense the problem as being a trust of self. I see it more like a trust of the situation.
One paradox of meditation that I have began to glimpse is that the "self" is bottomless. There is no definable boundaries to the self. In fact, whatever definable boundaries exist are probably defenses that are spurious, illusionary.
But anyway: meditation will alllow you to trust, or rather not to fear the coming and going of various emotional phenomena.
I remember that last year when I thought of my parents I couldn't begin to think of them before I immediately started to get irritated, bitter and enraged... I'd think of the things they were doing or not doing, and I would conclude that: They don't care about me! They have never cared about me! They don't even know me!
I still feel the emotional strain--the feelings come... I imagine the familiar clenching of my fist, sitting silently on the dinner table when I come home to visit. What I may do this time is instead of fixating on what THEY did, or who they are, I can just be with the emotions, without returning to my parents as being the source of them, and more importantly I don't depend on them to do something or expect them to atone or be responsible for reconciliation or pay me back for what they did. This is not to say that I will forget, but I can let go of it, I can let go of the expectation or the possbility that they might change. It's more likely that they will not change.
My understanding of them as people probably hasn't changed a whole lot. I see the "problem" of our relationship differently though. It stops being the past and starts being the present, and despite the fact that we never had a very happy relationship, it is possible not to depend on the memories of the past.
The present moment may not be nice. It may not be full of love. But in one way or another, it is something real. I think that when I actually get together with them, I might find myself laughing a lot.
My parents are the first type; people who never really could discuss with me anything profound in my life. I have often "shared" the aspects of my life that I think are essential to me, and they have never really reciprocated. So for example, I am in a social work program... I was bitter last year about the fact that they had never called me to see how I was adjusting to NYC after being gone for 2 years. It was a continuation of a pattern I see that they value my sister more than they do me, among other things. They were in constant contact with my sister when she was in college. She's now a doctor and still speaks to them... So whoever started it, I don't know, but my parents and I have never spoken more than once in about six months...
So what that showed to me was similar to when I was in grade school and I was failing school, while my sister was making straight As. I put myself through college, taking out my own loans (while my sister got a full scholarship), while they never asked me what I was planning for a career, what I majored in, never read my papers, never asked me what grades I had (I made good grades in college) and ... now that I am in a competitive master's program, and I am in my chosen field, and about to start a career that is deeply connected to my sense of myself, they haven't ever congratulated me... they always seemed skeptical and indifferent.
I think actually that my drive to excel past my mediocre high school years is one thing that separates us. My parents aren't intellectual, don't value education in the same way as I do, hardly ever read books and don't discuss politics, philosophy, or even theological values (they are Christian).
What's the result of this? I was so bitter about this that I seriously considered cutting them off for good, and disowning them.
I'm going home to visit in the next couple weeks, so we'll see what happens. hahahaha! It's going to be interesting.
hello homo sacer. you pack
hello homo sacer. you pack a lot into this post, eh? let's try and hone in on something. between the last few posts, you, Nico and I have really loaded up on a lot -- ranging from the abstract to the concrete, and covering much in between. so how about this distinction between trust in (one)self and what you call "trust of the situation"? that might be a good place to move forward.
by the way, thanks for sharing all of this about your experience of your parents. there's much to which i relate in your struggle being with them. i've actually had a great year as far as my relationships with my parents are concerned. later on i'll write a bit about the growth i've experienced within those seemingly limited relationships.
however, back to trust. i'm reading through deepak chopra's "The Book of Secrets," and it's really a lovely book. one consistent issue i have with books of this sort, however, is something Om has pointed to on previous occasions. sometimes it feels as though these books assume a degree of psychological health/stability that already requires a lot of work to reach. we are not only out-of-touch with the deep spiritual truths of reality -- for example, the Buddhist notion of no-self, which you seem to be uncovering in your meditation practice -- but we are also out of touch with something much more fundamental to experience; namely, our feelings. when we are out of touch with our feelings, we are out of touch with our needs, and the simple action of making decisions becomes a fuzzy murky mess. when our feelings are clear we have signposts directing us right to our needs, and decisions all become play. when we are in the mud, however, we try to rely on some conjured logic -- or we keep ourselves paralyzed.
so when we say, "what is self?" or "who are you?" we have two answers here -- ego, and emptiness. deepak actually speaks to this, to his credit, though i find it is easily lost in the spiritual. ego is the psychological, emptiness the spiritual. i've found it is very easy to wish to skip the psychological and jump straight into the spiritual; but this did not work for me. it's not static -- it's not: first master the psychological, then and only then open up to the spiritual. no, it's much more fluid and dynamic than that; but still, in my experience, there is process, there is growth. with an unstable psychology, there is no firm experience of self; without a firm experience of self, what is there to dissolve into spirit? without a firm experience of self, how is one to trust deeply enough to let go?
so with all of this floating around, i ask you: what does "trust of the situation" mean? what is the situation? trust of self is easy for me to explain: faith: complete trust in direct experience. i think this is in fact what you point to in the evolution you are discovering in your relationship with your parents. I know what I am feeling; I trust what I am feeling. without this morsel, could one begin to have trust of the situation? anyway, if i don't cut myself off now i may ramble on forever. we will (hopefully) return to much of what has been said, but for now how do ya'll feel about this question, this distinction? let's just look at that for a moment. what does "trust of the situation" mean?
Can you share more James
James, I’ve been waiting for you or HS to return to continue on this thread. I’ve found this all very interesting and it’s given me a lot to think about. Since we haven’t heard from HS in a little while I’d like to ask if we can continue the conversation and you can share more about the growth you’ve experienced with your parents that you mention in your post:
by the way, thanks for sharing all of this about your experience of your parents. there's much to which i relate in your struggle being with them. i've actually had a great year as far as my relationships with my parents are concerned. later on i'll write a bit about the growth i've experienced within those seemingly limited relationships.
I am having a difficult time interacting with my parents and family in a more mindful way, I find it particularly difficult to keep from falling into old thought behaviors and reactions when faced with the emotions and memories around them especially when getting together around recent deaths which in and of itself bring a whole bag of additional emotions and stress. The interesting thing is I fundamentally understand what I need to do and the awareness is so strong it smacks me in the face. I think that it comes down to my loyalty to them and fear of change and losing them as well as my desire for love and recognition prevents me from changing the way I interact with them.
Today I was listening to a friend at work share with me the struggle with her relationship with her brother. It seems that our first experience in relationships: our families are the most difficult to evolve as they are so closely aligned with our psychological development. It would be helpful to hear about your growth with your parents.
hiya Megan. thanks so much
hiya Megan. thanks so much for bringing me back into the discussion. i've been unable to enter back into things here on the blog, so it's nice to be invited back.
since you bring up your recent and clearly very painful and difficult experience with death in your family, i'll mention the most recent funeral i attended. closing in on two years ago (December 2006) my grandfather (father's father) died of a heart attack. one very important detail is that i didn't have a relationship with the man (i don't have relationships with most members of my family). there's a really long story here about me going to Santiago for one day and then coming back, but it's long and winding and unnecessary -- so perhaps some other time when it fits better. anyway, i ended up going down to florida with my mother, after everyone else (father, sister, bros and step-mom, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc) had already arrived. there were a few days of insanity before i got there, all sorts of arguments and insults thrown back and forth between everyone there. there was a dangerous lack of stability.
when i showed up, despite my distance from many of my relatives, and despite my conflicted feelings about going in the first place (again: long story), i turned out to be a very stable force in the midst of madness. i experienced then my first very clear moment of empathy -- when i first began to understand what that experience can feel like. i think what was so healthy about my presence there was that i was not suffering from the pain of loss, and yet i did care for and respond to the suffering of those around me -- the living. i was fairly restrained, yet it was very clear to me when to speak, when to touch, how to comfort... it was easy to make these decisions, even though each one was entrenched in the suffering of those around me. this was a brand new experience. not only was i experiencing all of this clearly, but i was doing so with my family; and i'm not just talking about my mom, my dad and my sister -- with whom things are difficult enough -- i'm also talking about members of my family i have basically no relationships with, people for whom in the past i've had mostly disdain.
of course, it's not like that's the end of the story. i am still not able to maintain a real consistent degree of empathy moment by moment. there's an awful lot of learning to be done, and of course i still even struggle with self-judgment about not doing good enough job, and so on. but the growth is apparent, and it begs the question: how'd i manage that one?
so now to start to get to what you’re asking me about. i think perhaps the most important shift i’ve noticed in my experience of (in particular) my parents is that i’ve begun seeing them much more clearly as people, and thus have begun to be able distinguish between the “person” i’ve internalized, and the person living right now. for example, over the years i’ve repeatedly shamed myself or humiliated myself in one way or another – for a long time it was impossible to see that this shaming was something i was doing on behalf of my father, who had treated me similarly when i was growing up. as i began to recognize what i was repeating on myself on behalf of my father, it was impossible to see the difference between that internalization and my father himself. one thing that has helped me immensely, which i imagine many people are not so lucky to have, is that my parents have both come into therapy with me; my mother particularly was very open and honest and compassionate.
to be honest, it took me a long time to agree to allow them to come in with me. my therapist prodded me about it every so often, but let me come to the decision on my own time. by then i had already gained much insight into my own experience, had already cultivated much self-awareness. by then i was already much calmer with my parents; by then i was able to sit with them and share with them without always withdrawing or losing control. if i had brought them in earlier, i would not have gotten much out of it because i would not have been capable of learning to see them. even with my father, who was quite anxious and closed off in many ways, i was able to open up to him, to begin to see the man sitting before me.
i hope some of this is coming out clearly… perhaps the most important thing is to note what these different stages of my relationships with my parents mean for me now. what’s so cool about all of this is that seeing them more clearly, and thus distinguishing between the person and the internalization, has freed me up to (drumroll please) greater responsibility. maybe that’s vague—but i’ve gone on long enough and shall stop here for now ☺
Thanks James
Thanks James sharing both of these stories and welcome back, we missed you. I am out on LI for the weekend, so I can't give this the response that you and I both deserve. I'll be back in a little bit or maybe in the early morning before my nieces get up.
I had a bit of an unsettled night, My brother-in-law is diabetic and I came back from dinner with my sister and her children and there was an ambulance outside her house. She started racing down the street and pulled up to the curb jumping out of the car as she was still driving. I yelled, put the car in park and pushed myself over to grab the wheel. My niece immediately started crying and I was torn between running into the house behind her and calming my niece down. Of course I shut off the car, jumped out ran to the backseat to hold my niece than had her sister hold her hand and ran inside to see my brother-in-law alive but sweating and confused in a diabetic low. Apparently he had called his mom and said I need help I don't know where I am and she called 911. My brother-in-law was fine after a little while. When I went outside this Indian woman with the most peaceful aura was trying to stroke my nieces head saying to her It is okay child. I told the girls that tonight we'd be doing yoga before bed but they had their own ideas, first they made me sit through an entire Cheetah Girls movie. Thanks again for responding and sharing your experiences. Enjoy your weekend.
James, Now that i've had time
James, I finally have some time and space tonight to reread your post and respond. Thank you for sharing this experience and your insight with me, with all of us. I cannot only see the calmness, clarity and growth in these words but I can feel a new level of maturity and acceptance of who you are as an individual. Well done my friend, well done.
It was a unique experience to have been able to share your empathy with those in your family even though you did not have a close relationship with or previous bond to relay on. In fact, this probably was a key that allowed them to accept your empathy. Truly a beautiful experience. How did you manage that one you ask? Your compassion and empathy towards yourself provided the guidance for doing so. Your awareness provided the perspective to see past these individuals, their psychology and projections and to their immediate needs. An inter-being, a suffering being who was in need of recognition of their sorrow and suffering. I know I can be this way on an individual basis what I struggle with is being overwhelmed when there are so many people and everything just becomes chaotic. It is then that I fall into old habits and try to control the environment. Recently I’ve found it easier to evolve and show greater empathy in my relationship with my husband. Because we were such close and intimate friends for over two years before we started dating I have found that we can have an immense amount of empathy and understanding towards each other and can work through seemingly hard issues pretty quickly. The problem I find though is consistency exactly as you say,
“i am still not able to maintain a real consistent degree of empathy moment by moment.”
My parents are a whole different animal that I am going to have to chip away at slowly. Reading your experience is helpful. Seeing them clearly is a great first step. I’m sure I’ve internalized a version of them that no longer exists, in fact I get the most caught up and hurt by the realization of my internalized version of my mother and how different my mother and who she is in reality now. In so many ways I am grasping for her to be the person I remember. I am just bitter and angry with the memories of my father. Not that long ago he was dating a woman that has recently become a holistic health consultant. She brought him up to Omega for a yoga weekend and they were going to the gym, out dancing and bike riding all the time. They had a lot in common and went over to Ireland for a vacation, she came back to tell me how impressed she was that he connected with local college kids and was having this wonderful deep conversations with them. This I cannot picture as my father is the worse communicator I know. He doesn’t communicate he dictates and manipulates still to this day. I can feel his index finger pounding on my chest as he talks even when he is far away and on the phone. I was so angry and appalled that after all these years he was not only drinking, but also enjoying himself. How dare he have a healthy lifestyle? I felt that he didn’t deserve to not only live a long life, but also live one that brought him better health and clarity. How dare he do this without even pausing to understand a fraction of the pain and suffering he has caused my family and I. Even though I know that the pain I feel are memories that no longer exist and I know that he has been through his fair share of suffering of his own childhood that lead to the demise of mine I find it very very difficult to empathize with this man. I like the idea of starting with a clear picture of the internalized version and real version of each of them, thanks James I’ll focus there for a little while and maybe that will help untie some of the rest of these emotions.
I am looking forward to exploring empathy and the finer details of empathy here. I see Om posted as I was writing on we go…
INTERNALIZATION BY ANY OTHER EMPATHY IS JAMES
I wanted to home in on two most important concepts that James brought up in response to Megan and Nico’s beautiful dialogue. “i experienced then my first very clear moment of empathy -- when i first began to understand what that experience can feel like. i think what was so healthy about my presence there was that i was not suffering from the pain of loss, and yet i did care for and respond to the suffering of those around me -- the living…. of course, it's not like that's the end of the story. i am still not able to maintain a real consistent degree of empathy moment by moment. there's an awful lot of learning to be done, and of course i still even struggle with self-judgment about not doing good enough job, and so on. but the growth is apparent, and it begs the question: how'd i manage that one?”
What does it mean in real terms and real time to empathize? How does it develop and why is it difficult to “maintain a real consistent degree of empathy”? And what is empathy’s relationship to compassion, something we consistently speak about? I’ve spoken specifically about empathy in two posts (one and two) but would like to have more of a discussion in light of James’ post.
James then speaks about “internalization” and how important it is to distinguish between what we react or respond to as the internalized (transference) and the here-and-now relationship (interpersonal): “i think perhaps the most important shift i’ve noticed in my experience of (in particular) my parents is that i’ve begun seeing them much more clearly as people, and thus have begun to be able distinguish between the “person” i’ve internalized, and the person living right now: “as i began to recognize what i was repeating on myself on behalf of my father, it was impossible to see the difference between that internalization and my father himself.” I’m curious, is there a connection between empathy and what James refers to as “internalization”? I hope some of you respond because it’s such a significant aspect of cultivating self-awareness and truly makes the difference between relationship and isolation, intimacy and withdrawal, empathy and self-centeredness.
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