a little something for my friends back home

Noah has brought us one more gift, the clarity of awareness and the faith, or trust that accompanies it.  But, awareness of what?  And, from whence it arises?  For Noah, it is the awareness of this primordial desire, this intention of consciousness to love as it manifests in world; this “perfect longing” that inspires (breathing into) all existence in its infinite forms.  And though stone’s don’t breathe, we, in our aesthetically refined sense of beauty, breathe into it the tie, the relation, the connection (metaphora) that we are, that is, as it is.  And the perfection is the awareness itself, even of the “missing paint chips” and mutilated bodies of war, as I witnessed in one of my poems:

the blown out bellies

like flowers bursting in bloom,

faces indistinguishable

the bulging eyes and stiff gaping holes

around cries silenced by the flames.

This is the perfection of longing, the waiting of worship surrendering to this moment of awareness, this apogee of love. It is Govinda’s kiss. It is the most inner, the cognizance of witnessing, irrespective of the decay of change; even the deformity, blotch and bruise have their beauty in the eyes that see beauty everywhere.  “even your suffering has a home in this world.”  This we can trust.  For it is I AM and I am “love waiting in every corner;” and I am waiting for you and the cry of your need, always, without condition, without even existence in the “mysteriously open/empty road.” 

Noah—one wishes to write a response to this poem of yours, but really what is there with which to respond other than: Yes.

and yet, i shall write. i shall write about the little corners of your sharing here before me. i’ll write about the fact that in “desire’s” i also see the word “desires” and feel the flush of all for which i am grateful – that i see desires perfect me, for what is my incompleteness right now other than my not-yet-trusting my desires? i also see desires perfect longing – to make out of longing some more perfect longing, some longing that continues to exist, even while being met and fulfilled—breathing. and i’ll write about desire’s perfect longing, which appears painful to me, but which – when i am really seeing – truly is breathed into every stone… i’ll write about the steaming dog shit i smelled yesterday while standing in the blistering pre-storm wind reading Siddhartha, and i’ll write about the gratitude i felt for that bitter, warm, unwanted wonderful scent, and i’ll write that i loved it not because of its meaning, or its potential, or this or that, but because of its perfect-ness, “so satiated by its own longing that it needs nothing.” and how delicious to be continually satiated and longing – to need so deeply, to know its own need so deeply, that it needs nothing.

there is nothing to say but Yes, and yet i shall say that i have yet to become desire so fully as to know desire’s longing – not really, not yet. i shall say that one moment is enough, even though ten thousand may not be; and i’ll say that perhaps because gratitude, like love, is beginningless, one moment is enough because it is one moment, and all. i’ll say that love is remembering, and you’ll say that love is waiting, and yet is, yes, like the river in patience, and i’ll say also that love is understanding, and you’ll agree, saying, “the morning greets you with open arms, kisses each doubt and every pain,” and so in the corners of your own pain do you find love, coming back around to you in love, kissing you on the forehead and offering its own forehead to your lips, and you see lips like a freshly cut fig nourishing you, because even your suffering has a home in this world – i’ll say that i saw Kamala when reading the words kisses each doubt and every pain, and i’ll say that she never looked more beautiful than kissing the cheeks of her newborn, and me.

how can one respond, but to say Yes? yet i shall respond: what is a father smiling proudly if not you, Noah, finding a home in this world for your suffering? raising it, nurturing it, finally letting it fly from you, even if it frightens you a little to do so… i shall respond by connecting the dots between “one moment” “gratitude” “longing” and “sadness” – by asking you, of your poem, Where is her death? your poem does not need a death, and your poem does not resist death. like all things, it will die. but curiously, like all things, you seem to be telling me, it also will not die. i shall respond with the incompleteness of our notion of life and death, and with my own fear when confronted with that great sadness stretching out before me – my fear, but not only my fear, because looking into that great sadness, glimpsing it in a moment of gratitude, i hear destiny, and i hear the call of love once more, as i find love waiting in the corners of me for my fear, love for that great open empty sadness, love waiting to kiss as a mother kisses the cheeks of her newborn my tears, and so wrapping its arms around me in my desire’s perfect longing, in my gratitude, in my sadness, in my fear, in my death – even in this is my belonging:

Yes.

As it gets darker and colder and we crawl deeper into the winter season I wonder how the homeless in our city survive. There is a young homeless man by my friend’s office that I pass by every week. Last week he wasn’t there. And I was wondering where he was, if he was okay and if it was just too cold for him. I’ve been relating to him a lot lately. It was the look in his eyes that first caught my attention. I’ve seen him before and looked at him but didn’t really look. One day he was looking ahead starting straight into the store in front of him. Hi eyes looked like they carried so much pain it was almost a look of shock, they were so wide and so deep it was like this long tunnel you could just stand on his bottom lid and look into a cave of fear. I felt such a wave of feelings, memories of pain and sadness for his pain when I walked by him that day. I wondered to myself. What happen to him? How did he get there? And most of all- What is his story? I thought to myself, he is a good-looking man, young, has clothes and backpack that are moderately priced and is sometimes huddled behind his sign reading. It seems like if he had a shower, a shave, some clean clothes and cleaned his backpack he could be sitting next to you or I in Starbucks reading the same book and no one would take notice.

I think about the economy and how close to the line we live with our finances and that the economy and has to get worse before it can get better. I think of budget cuts for social programs and I think of all that I’ve been through and how many of those situations could have gotten considerably worse at any point in time with just one little push of happenchance. I think about those times, and about all the times I felt close to helplessness, and close to giving up. I wonder if the fight goes away for someone like this gentleman, or is it just circumstance, did he just fall victim to circumstance? I buy him a bag of fruit at the near-by stand sometimes and put it on the sidewalk next to him. I want to sit next to him. I want to sit on the cool sidewalk besides him and let the foot traffic dissolve from my vision. I want to sit down and ask him what his name is and how he is feeling. I want to hear his story and ask him what he's reading and what he thinks about the book. I want to tell him I understand what it feels like to be surrounded by so many people and yet feel like you are all alone. As he sits with a sign that says, “I have no one” I want to tell him that life is worth fighting for and that there is a lot of beauty in this world. I want to tell him that he belongs and can find his place in this city, that he just has to have faith. But I don’t, I don’t sit there; I don’t stop and ask him these things because I am afraid. I don't do anything but drop some money, a protein bar or a bag of fruit and I just walk by. I try to close my eyes for a moment when I walk by and just send some love. But I don't do more because I am afraid.

I wish I wasn’t afraid. I wish I wasn’t afraid that I would put myself in danger by interacting with him, that I wouldn’t be getting involved with more than I can handle – if he was mentally ill or a drug addict.  I know that I am just feeling this way because I can relate to his pain and old habits of wanting to fix everything and everyone are just surfacing. That doesn’t keep me from wondering why if I keep thinking about this man do I still do nothing? What type of human being does that make me? Where is the compassion in wondering about him and even writing about him and yet sitting in my warm apartment with a full belly on this cool crisp day? I’ve thought about buying a new backpack, some clean layering clothes, and a sleeping bag. I've even thought about making some soup and some sandwiches’ and putting them in a bag and giving them all to him. Sometimes I think why not. If having clean clothes, some warm food and a little bit of recognition can give him the spark he needs to fight than why not? When I walked by last wondered where he was and just prayed that he was somewhere warm having that warm soup after all.

 I think when looking at this homeless gentleman I am relating in a different way. I am almost looking at him as an earlier version of myself.  I am looking at my own fears and pain from a distance from the outside in. I think I want to help in a new a different way, I wish there was more time in the day, in the week.  I feel different about wanting to help than before. Not wanting to fix, just help. Not of an accommodating  way which would only attempt to pacify my fears but from compassion and understanding of his pain and suffering I saw in those eyes in that brief moment when his haunted glance burned an impression in my heart and soul. 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diwali

I was watching 60 minutes and T. Boone Pickens was being interviewed. I've seen his commercials about an energy plan here and there through out the campaign and although I am intrigued by the fact that value the fact that he is a proven business man and is looking to new solutions I am aware these are all under the cloak of making more money.  I can't help but become skeptical of his plan. (I haven't read his plan, just seen his commercials and this interview) That being said, I thought I'd watch the interview and see if I could learn more about his energy plan. What I did learn is that a huge portion of his plan is focused on natural gas, as Boone claims that ¼ of the gas we consume is used by big rig trucks delivering goods throughout the country. Boone energy plan starts here. With his recommendation to convert big rig trucks to natural gas. He then suggests we use eminent domain to declare a state of emergency and install thousands of wind farms along the windiest part of our county. 

This all sounds interesting but leaves me with many questions and a lot of skepticism.  First off, where will the natural gas come from? How much natural gas reserve do we currently have? At the current rate of trucking and future projections how long will it last? Is there infrastructure already in place or do we have to cause additional environmental impact to extract this natural gas? What does the pollution from extracting and processing natural gas look like? How does one go about converting a truck to a natural gas engine? Does it mean all new engines or converters? Is the technology currently available? Will the parts be made in the United States? How much will the conversation engine cost? How will you convince trucker to convert? With incentives or just by lower prices and expensive marketing campaigns?  If entire engines are required what is the impact of the additional garbage created by the old engines? Can the pieces of the old engines that are no longer useful be easily recycled? Can they be utilized in another way? 

How many people and business are currently part of the eminent domain wind corridor? What other important land is within this corridor? Natural habitat and sensitive ecosystems?  Waterways? Historical and cultural sites? 

How many wind turbines can be built in the wind corridor? How much will it cost? Do they have any negative environmental impact? How much will the infrastructure costs be for a national gird that ties into the wind farms? 

What is the lifespan of each windmill and what is the ROI? How much power does each windmill produce? What does that mean/ translate to in homes/ current usage? 

Why do we need such a grand scale solution? Why isn't there focus on local smaller scale solutions? Before electricity there were windmills in every town. We could save money and land by properly building homes and buildings that work in conjunction with the environment. With non-toxic materials and proper windows, and insulation. We can put pressure on manufactures of home appliances to exponentially increase the efficiency of their appliances. We can focus research and development on hybrid systems that utilized wind, solar (both passive by design and harnessed via panels), geothermal and alternative water systems.

These are all the questions running through my head since watching this interview. I am going to go on and read his plan and see if I can better understand it and think about this some more. At the end of a 60 minutes segment they threw the fact that Boone was behind he smear campaigns of Kerry when he was running for president. He spent his own 3 million dollars to fund and roll out that assault!

I remain skeptical but I am going to read the plan this week. I thought I'd share this with you in the meantime. http://push.pickensplan.com/  I understand the idea of making a drastic change that would help bring jobs back to our country and decrease our reliance on foreign oil. But I am not sure it needs to be done on such a large scale. Perhaps Boone is just trying to shake us up and knows this large-scale proposal of his will never get through all the red tape and organizations it needs to succeed. Perhaps he just wants to help us being to think of possibilities and start the conversation going. 

 Hey James, I’ve been thinking about a few things you mentioned in your responses last week specially about questioning. I get that about you and I feel like your arguments are just more questions. They are proactive and playful ways that your have devised as a way to continue to question. It is really a treat to watch.

I’ve always questioned everything. Although sometimes, the questions were hidden behind the mess I was surrounded by and although I didn’t get a chance to express and explore them I think they were the markers that continued to point elsewhere that helped me to know there was something else out there. I’ve been at times afraid to question, as to many, to question is to challenge a thought that some cannot see as independent of who they are. In these cases the conversation-or argument becomes about conflict and not about discovery. Never being a person comfortable with conflict, because my past history with violence, I have sometimes refrained from questioning, even of myself, to feel safe.  Even when I intellectually have given myself the permission per se to begin to question I am met with the glare of guilt for I have learned that to question is to defy and to defy is to be disloyal; the disloyalty being a huge risk that can lead to abandonment. So being true to oneself and embracing my innate curiosity and natural questioning has always come riddled with mind fields.

I’ve found I enjoy questioning but sometimes I haven’t developed the tools to go beyond my questions from an academic standpoint. When I was in high school I would try to do research for a particular topic and I would enjoy more the process of uncovering information. I was never quite sure how to divide that information into usable chunks and when to cap the amount of information I had gathered into a   paper. Or I wasn’t really sure how and where to find that information. I would walk into the library as if standing at the bottom of a hundred foot canyon, looking out at the other students diligently gathering information and reviewing texts and paralyzed by fear of not knowing what the first step was. Here on our blog we have the freedom to dance in and out of topics at our will to question when we have the time, desire and capability to challenge when we don’t. I love that about this space. At first I didn’t feel comfortable sharing my questions and what I saw as an incomplete thought process on Pickens. Because to me it ‘wasn’t finished’, it was really more of a stream of consciousness some questions and thought I had in reaction to the 60 minutes interview that I wanted to get back to at some point. The interesting thing though I haven’t had the time to go back to the plan and really get to know it to seek my answers – I know I will once I clear some space.

While reading along on the Sullivan thread I was reminded by how many times I’ve had a conversation where both participants think they are questioning the same thing and are in fact speaking of two very different things. I love the fact that James you started your post by defining the difference of conservatism and republican; that Om went on to challenge this and ask for a clearer definition to discussion and Nico went on to define conservatism as he felt Sullivan defined it. For now I will add to my trunk of questions, what does this term mean in relation to what you are talking about. I’m looking forward to all the additional questions that arise once I name and define my framework. 

Just some random thoughts, I hope you are all enjoying your Saturday.   

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