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11/27/08
Unbroken were the steps of summer
as shadows left behind their bodies
and flitted down to meet you,
their bat wings beating without pause.
Nothing felt but repetition.
Loneliness churned silently its echoey sea
with the arms of giant paddle wheels,
though not a sound was waiting,
not a voice you recognized. Even words
forgot themselves, falling from their branches
till the wind had lost its name.
And the summer still refused to leave you.
The days, elongating beneath your feet,
burned away the blankets of the morning
till you shivered, made naked by the heat.
From so many rooftops dogs howled
and you woke at night with eyes of smoke,
coughing desperately.
And still the summer would not leave you.
The dryness in your hands grew deep
as you scrubbed away the dirt,
picked clean the worry of your fingernails,
for you had only what you carried. What I tell
is that you knew, as if somehow you'd remember
the cats that cowered in your corners
anxious for something you might leave behind,
a scent of cold surrendered;
that everything that was yours to own,
that nothing you alone could claim.
I really like this one. I
I really like this one. I like that summer haunts and lingers like an intense moment from a dream. The image of cleaning fingernails. It evokes attention to oneself, a solitary scene. Lonelyness churning its sea, silently with giant paddle wheels. It does churn, and in silence. Yeah.
I think you're dreaming lately, Noah. I mean that literally. I wonder what dreams you are having.
Thank you for this.
I wonder how you'll reflect on this and our comfortable USA when you return.
rabbit holes and stuff like that
Ezra thanks man. I am always struggling between the dreaming and the waking, for life often feels like a dream, especially in retrospect--even the intensity of the moment can feel dream like, maybe beacuse it is always filtered through some dream, some emotion--its so weird how everything outside becomes a strange metaphor in the dream, or maybe the dreams are projecting themselves onto the world, or probably both. Mirrors.
I guess it just gets instensified when you are alone and everything is different and unknown and you share far less symbolism with the culture around you. I think it really makes me notice all I brought along -- I am definatley struggling here not to become imprisoned inside my 'self' and at the same time, there is often no place more seductive to go. I guess outside and inside wanderings aren't really so different, but changes of scenery can be important because they are absorbed by that great metaphormaking machine that you are, and then new pathways of meaning can be discovered.
Its also happening to for me with language itself. Today I realized that the spanish verb "to love" (amar) shares an identical cognate with the verb "to tie" (amarrar) -- wow thats cool, I thought. And then I remembered that although we don't usually use that cognate to express love in english (except when we say amorous) we do have that famous expression "tie the knot." There are a million fun little meaning tunnels I keep finding--I dunno if I can't hear them in english as well because its so familiar, but when everything sounds a little unfamiliar, its easy to notice how certain words are rolled up inside other words, certain sounds fit so perfectly into other sounds--that words themselves are assembalages of bits of sound, and those sounds also carry meanings that are deeply instinctual, often emotional.
Analyzing gramatical structures is fun on a sort of intellectual level, but this sound thing functions at a level below grammer--the way the seemingly arbitrary sounds of language are actually dancing together, interlocking and harmonizing to become the little meaning packets we know as words. I know next to nothing about linguistics, but I can really feel how powerful a mode of inquiry it could be. And I can imagine all language must function in this way, you probably can attest to that with all you know about programming language.
I always wanted to be able to see drawings in perspective as the flat arrays of lines they really are, but have never been able to train my mind to do that. But in spanish, since the sort of reflexive associations of word meanings aren't so deeply coded in me, I can kind of hear the order beneath the words, in the sound itself. Unfortunatley, its almost impossible to 'think' at the level of sound--i think thats where it all becomes intuition. But its fun to try.
And this whole process inside language is its own metaphor too, for deconstructing our assumptions about reality itself, for looking a little bit deeper, for learning to dissasemble all the manifested forms we experience, and then reassemble them with deeper appreciation and love.
I guess that was a tangent and probably didn't answer your question...
I'm gonna be even more seriously 'on the road' starting sunday but when I find my way back to the internet, I'll let you know what its like.
noah, your last poem, i
noah, your last poem, i really liked. it left me feeling melancholic, sad to see things change.
on the road in the andes, keep putting those sounds together, attaching them to what feels right. i often think spanish lends itself more to sound associations than english does. though, peruvians (i think you are still in peru) also speak their own indigenous language which gets mixed into spanish also. a big mash up of words and sounds.
even so, good luck in your travels, when you step deeper onto "the road."
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NOAH'S DREAM IS OVER
“Continents, trees and forests exist because space allows them to. If reality was permanent, and its properties to, nothing would change. Phenomena could not appear. But because things have no intrinsic reality, they can have infinite manifestations.”
– Matthieu Ricard, “The Quantum and the Lotus”
I Noah an “Unbroken” broken man. To break means to fracture, but it is also a caesura, a pause between the multiplicity of manifested consciousness, the space of God’s burial and God’s emergence as No-God. Steps are broken, too, even as they lead beyond the seasons of time and oceans of space to the unmanifest of brokenness, to the immanifest bonds of love.
And so, “unbroken” is a most appropriate introduction to Noah’s newest poem and his associational, almost surreal (dreamlike) poetic flow so commensurate with many Latin American poetic voices. And I refer to Latin American poets because Noah seems to be breathing in the blood of these poets in the repetitions, in the silently churned loneliness of solitude, in a voice barely recognized as his own; for the suffering in body and mind, like rooftop dogs howling (I prefer the sound of rooftop dogs howling than “many roofs howled dogs” but perhaps my preference undermines the eerie, surreal, fractured quality of this image).
And I could hear Neruda’s poor farm workers and peasants in the almost romantic notion of suffering. For those of us who are privileged, summer is a time of leisure. When may work on farms but it is for experience, not urgency or survival. How do we truly identify with that suffering and with the sorrow of all beings suffering?
and you woke at night with eyes of smoke,
coughing desperately.
And still the summer would not leave you.
The dryness in your hands grew deep
as you scrubbed away the dirt,
picked clean the worry of your fingernails,
for you had only what you carried
And the dirt under our fingernails is the vestige of discipline and a symbol of the separation of leaving home and the intense anxiety of bourgeois uncertainty. Is there not guilt and shame attached to this dirt, for you have “only what you carried,” and you have so much more to carry than what is your own in the karmic formations unknowingly hurling us back over and over through our parents and their parents and the whole history of parents nailed to a cross of ignorance, afflicted emotion and suffering. And this, all because everything is ours to own, and nothing we alone could claim. This is the emptiness of suffering, and the suffering of unrealized emptiness concealed in the seduction of suffering.
This precious lyric of Noah’s, like most of his poems, speaks to the poetic sensibility of existential wonderings and wanderings. He speaks of dreaming, he speaks of language’s labyrinthine quality of interminably deconstructing itself through mind’s reconstructions and “necessarily deluded “assumptions about reality itself, for looking a little bit deeper, for learning to disassemble all the manifested forms we experience, and then reassemble them with deeper appreciation and love.” In fact, language is always leading back in time in a returning to its roots and place of origin; and Noah speaks of trying to find his own roots and missing his place of origin all in a romantic unbroken thought process of afflictive longing. But, it is a longing kneading itself in and yet through language (“the little meaning packets we know as words”) with an attempt to get beyond language – “I can kind of hear the order beneath the words, in the sound itself” -- seeking order out of the chaos and (even more importantly) habit of mind.
And what this seeking is, as it is and was for many if not all the great Latin American poets, is nothing less than spiritual because spirituality is the process of personal transformation. And yet, I can’t help but to hear in Noah’s struggle, not only a returning in the seeking deeper meaning, but also that seductive nostalgic quality of forgetfulness, the type when “turning around” of returning is Orphic, the shadow of a present past. When we get lost in longing and the isolation of loneliness, we forget who we are -- and aren’t (as in self!); we begin to indulge in the sustained longing of irreversible time lost. Unless we make that shift from the fixity of visual to the semantic and, finally, semantic’s fundamental illusoriness, too, the real of authenticity will stay stuck in the concealed of the ironic.
In my favorite myth, Orpheus, if we remember, after being permitted to take his wife Eurydice from the underworld, “proceeded on their way, he leading, she following, through passages dark and steep, in total silence, 'til they had nearly reached the outlet into the cheerful upper world, when Orpheus, in a moment of forgetfulness, to assure himself that she was still following, cast a glance behind him, when instantly she was borne away.”
Orpheus and Noah alike, both on journeys away – and, therefore, towards -- are both much like Oedipus attempting to solve life’s most pressing enigma: destiny (west) or karma (east). If we remember this amazing tale, Oedipus was unable to solve this most pressing enigma essentially because he did not understand that he himself was the answer to the enigma which surrounded and chased him even before he was born (this is also true for the Oedipal child in psychoanalytic metaphor who is split between the ideal of maternal dependency and recognition and paternal autonomy and individuality). However, Oedipus, as representing the human complex, also has the capacity to know (oida) the enigma of destiny and decipher the Sphinxean riddle of life. Thus, the answer (remedy) is with the human capacity to know (and ultimately in the formulated knowing of understanding).
Nostalgia. And so, the moment Orpheus turned around Eurydice was “borne away.” She disappeared, as if she were merely a dream (and we know how Noah loves the dream!); and perhaps she was. The suddenness of her disappearance following a passageway, “dark and steep, in total silence,” strikes me as most significant because of its dreamlike quality. It represents Orpheus’ past, or I should say, Orpheus’ fixation on the past, in a kind of nostalgic longing (are you listening, Noah?). And this is the source of Orpheus’ suffering in the form of pathological mourning.
The Orpheus myth recalls nostalgia, the painful longing to return to a past that never was. Nostalgia is from the Greek, nostos, meaning "to return home" and algos, meaning "pain," and suggests a deep longing for an earlier time. But, the time Orpheus desperately longs for is necessarily an imaginary time, not of space (which we can return to), but a wish to override the irreversibility of time. Nostalgia is a reaction to lost time, the inability to return. It is primarily an emotional response to fate, to time’s irrecoverable nature in conscious awareness. It is the very pastness of the past of which is absolutely inaccessibile, that accounts for nostalgia's power. And further, this is not the past as actually experienced; it is the past as imagined, as idealized through memory and desire. Do you see the birth of the poetic?
What Orpheus does not realize is that his fixation on the past is in fact about the present, an inverted history, we might say, of a perceived unattainable ideal life which is projected into the past. Nostalgia is a recollection that is, at the same time, a forgetting (or, dynamically speaking, an ignoring, “repressing, excluding or foreclosing,” which reflects the inability to assign emotional significance to a situation) at the service of fantasy’s desire to reconstruct the past.
This taking flight is an exile, a “turning away” from self-awareness and the responsibility of the present—which might very well mean confronting (and therefore, grieving) a past that was complicated, contaminated, difficult, and ugly, or confronting an irretrievable loss that precludes the fulfillment of a future fantasy or expectation (which, again, is illusory by its time-tagging nature, its tensing of representation).
History. Which brings us to history. The unbroken speaks to history as time and history’s illusion of itself as a real set of markers; but it also points to emptiness as the absolute nature of reality. There is no creation, no duration, no end. And because there is no creation, no duration, no end, the world reveals itself in an infinite number of ways. This is what emptiness means: “that everything that was yours to own,/that nothing you alone could claim.”
But, Noah also knows that he forgets to know and that no matter how far he travels, a ship cannot take you away from yourself; nor will it take you away from the no-self of emptiness the awareness of which is his (and all of our) freedom from suffering (especially the suffering of isolation, ennui, and “homesickness.”). And through this understanding, manifestation will make its way back and it will no longer matter where we are; location will seem less relevant than vocation. For, “where there is no one, there is no other one, so all is no other than one.” And the poem will continue to write itself, for language is empty and language (per)forms. Emptiness itself is form; form itself is emptiness. As Nagarjuna says, “Since all is empty all is possible Emptiness is not only the true nature of phenomena, it’s also the potential that allows propagation of an infinite variety of phenomena.
Perhaps, as James suggests, when the dream is over, God will return.
om, noah and james, thank
om, noah and james, thank you for the current discussion about god, poetry, nostalgy and emptiness. it is very enriching to follow along the many different branches.
om, i was just having this discussion with a friend of mine who regrets all the missed opportunities he has let pass him by. this regret now keeps him from moving forward. i told i often feel the same way, and proposed, at least for me, that this is nothing more than a coping mechanism by the mind. that really what is keeping me back at times is the fear of openning up and getting hurt. it's as if the mind creates this intricate illusory game, a narrative of sorts, to distract from the most feared issues.
history only exists in our minds, in our ability to memorize and string together those memories into some sort of narrative. does this mean history is false? not really. it could be false and real at the same time. we create it as we go along. this tells me we are constantly recreating history, adding and subtracting feelings and facts from our memories of the past. yet, at times, it feels like i could get lost in the narrative and forget to live in the now.
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Fruta Planta and Reduce
Fruta Planta and Reduce Weight Fruta Planta arepromoted as all-natural Chinese dietary supplements used for weight loss. Fruta Planta and Reduce Weight Fruta Planta is a single product marketed under two brand names, Reduce Weight Fruta Planta and comes packaged in 30-capsule boxes. These products are not authorized for sale in Canada and have not been found in the Canadian marketplace, but it is possible they may have been brought into the country by travellers or purchased over the Internet. Fruta Planta USA Original All Natural Formula is a dietary supplement that fruta planta incorporates traditional Chinese Medicine laws of nature providing the benefits of fruits, plants, and herbs.
Some odds and ends
Is the journey out also a journey into darkness and a journey of finding light? The past is a dream, as everything is, but where does memory fit into the present and what does memory mean? I am just trying to work out my thoughts/questions, for I both completely understand Om’s post and yet feel stranded by it. Stranded in that I know I feel something but do not understand how to root the feelings into words. Loneliness is born in me when I am disconnected from myself. (Just writing something breaks that isolation)
I remember my own loneliness when I was a young woman in my teens and twenties. It was relationship that drew me out of that isolation and gave me the freedom to return there and explore it more deeply. It is not that I wanted to, but that I had to. It was life or death. That journey into the underworld of isolation was necessary in order to become fully alive. For myself, I have felt that relationship is what made it possible for me descend and understand why it was that I would( and had to) come back.
Remnants of that journey are still with me. Sometimes I fear it again – fear growing old and being left alone – isolated from the rest of the world. This is that young/old split – but that is another post, at a time when my mind is ready. For now my thoughts wander to Proust and his efforts to remember/create/recreate/ every memory to recreate the dream of his life: to see it, hear it, smell it, and taste it again. That looking backwards, the taming of time, is what a writer does – is this true? They pull the past into the present, erasing time, and creating it. The writer time travels and lands where no time has passed.
EMILY AND THE WIZARD OF ODD(S AND ENDS)
"Is the journey out also a journey into darkness and a journey of finding light? The past is a dream, as everything is, but where does memory fit into the present and what does memory mean?"
Beautiful question, Em. Either it was Krishnamurti or Jesus who said that “If you draw forth what is within, what is within will save you; if you do not draw forth what is within, what is within will destroy you. And it was Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj who said, Fear is the memory of pain. So, what we are drawing forth from the unconscious mind are memories that bind one to delusions formed out of the actual experiences that we now call memories. What valorizes the memories are the emotions associated with the original experiences, whether positive or negative. For example, as fear is the memory of pain, joy is the memory of pleasure. So when Nico says, in response to Noah (regarding his poem), “it left me feeling melancholic, sad to see things change;” or, on his reflections about God, James’ example: “When I was a kid I'd sit on the floor of my room and look out at the sunshine and ask God for some kind of support. I didn't know what I was asking for, or who I was asking. I just had to ask something -- I knew something wasn't right, so I prayed…. I can recognize, in retrospect, needs that weren't being met, feelings of isolation and shame, love, fear, conflict. I can see my younger self reaching out and speaking to "God" because -- who else was there?” Clearly for both men there are memories of pain, the pain of change and neglect of fundamental needs for empathic responsivity and parental presence. My own childhood, as I have shared, is rife with memories of neglect, abuse, and massive misattunement. But, like the rest of us (otherwise we would not be as healthy as we are), there are also many memories of warmth and nurturance and the tenderness of my mother’s voice in
…the lulling trills
of Saturdays cleaning the apartment
or taking out the wash. In the days
of my youth, in her cotton dress
she was the scent of fruit,
her voice succulent
in the melting pulp of summer.
I would follow her to the yard
and lie under brooding afternoon
clouds; the grass wild, plush
a green ghost of myself
upon rising; now, a sudden wind
and sheets ripple up like wings
bodiless as snow.
As a seeker with years of deep therapeutic work, and a writer, you have indeed developed a vocabulary for early emotional experience despite you saying you “do not understand how to root the feelings into words.” Yours is a most articulate psychological voice. When you feel “disconnected” from yourself, no doubt it’s early trauma rearing its head in the form of perhaps (at that moment) unarticulated memories. What helps me is a soothing (nonjudgmental) voice whispering, Om, it’s just trauma, release it. There is an almost immediate (re)cognition of both the emotional memory (details are less relevant) and the fundamental illusoriness of the memory and its accompanying affect (feeling). This simply means that the memory, though having an actual referent (an early childhood experience) is empty of independent and permanent existence and therefore not real. It is that not real aspect of cognizance that brings with it a sense of peace and even joy, despite the acute emotional (re)action. This is what people typically fail to fully grasp: that the existing experience of emotional pain is less relevant than its conscious containment and the cognizance of its unreality. Thus, the key and most important skill is to consciously contain the emotions that arise, to tolerate what is intolerant, what Buddhists call equanimity.
Finally, along with these two key points (containment and cognizance) is, as you say, relationship. “It was relationship that drew me out of that isolation and gave me the freedom to return there and explore it more deeply…. relationship is what makes it possible for me descend and understand why it was that I would come back.” Relationship is the vehicle of the journey: relationship to other, relationship to self, relationship to nature, relationship to understanding. The people of relationship (e.g., friend, teacher, lover) are critical for their mirroring aspect (we can’t look into our own eyes—at first, at least :) and it is the subjective recognition engendered in relationship that makes it person(al). The shared space of actual interaction, where mutual recognition takes place, is the (inter)subjective, the sacred betweenness. It is this intersubjective space that not only allows for recognition (what most if not all of us lacked) but which also holds the tension of what I have called the binary categorical oppositions (critical theory term). Binary means two, categorical means the categories we assign labels to, like gender, race, age; and oppositions refers to the fact that mind’s tendency to dualistic thought creates opposing tensions between, for example, self/other, subject/object, male/female, maternal/paternal, etc. I’m mentioning this again because it is the splitting, the fracturing of the whole, that causes the isolation you describe.
Regarding time and Proust, irrespective of the reconstructive accuracy for detail and the sheer brilliance of his bloated expressions, intuitions and imagination, Proust’s “efforts to remember/create/recreate every memory” with the aim (hope) of “taming time,” ultimately failed. It had to fail because both time and the keeper of time are empty of independent, permanent existence. Proust was part of a intellectual movement that began to penetrate reality’s “relativity.” However, his notion of time was still conceived as even with instant and interval and having a one-directional space. Despite his gifts of association and memory (and his ability to manipulate that time-tagged space), his was still a world of representation, the structured presence of reality of which was embedded in the threefold present of past, present and future. That is, time still gave Proust his sense of reality necessarily because he was ultimately unable to see the fundamental illusoriness (arbitrariness) of time (and therefore the space on which it is (re)presented. Like most of us living in consensual reality (and ignorant of ultimate reality), life is predicated on the organization of memory and expectation and how we fit (or not) into the shared collective system of constructions and communications. The glue that keeps the system cohered is affective (emotional) connectedness. It is what tenses and marks thought products to a temporal frame of reference and unfolds as one’s life story. A story, we should make clear, that is a dream with or without God at the helm.
Some more ends and odds
Om.... What is real? Reading your most recent post, I am struck by what I take for granted – thinking I understand a word since the word/concept of real seems easy, but when I apply it to what is, or isn't it is not so clear. When I have an experience it seems quite real and immediate: I am feeling what I am feeling, doing what I am doing, in what appears to be direct experience, something not yet burdened with the play of memories and the altering of experience through the layering of memories. So, when does something become, “unreal?” What I feel seems real, and yet, it could not be real (I don’t know if this is a statement of a question). How do you know when something is an illusion? Couldn't I make myself crazy if I got stuck on this line of questioning? So can one make the distinction that what one feels is real but the thoughts that led to that feeling is unreal?
I would also ask that you expound on "Conscious containment of emotions," since it seems that emotions are not about containment, but about releasing freely. Does containment mean, not letting them collect remnants of the past which confuse the present? Does it mean that the feelings/emotions of longing are rooted in the past and create a shadowy film across the present?
I do not think Proust failed to create a beautiful work of fiction, based on his concept of time – it certainly (at the time) was a reflection of how I perceived time ( the chronology of life as a straight line). Yes, I agree, it is a limited view, but one that I was keenly interested in, could relate to, and desperately, wanted to recreate for myself. It was a way of holding onto a concept of life, of attempting to hold onto one’s life in all its detail; as if it could be lived again – which, as you point out, cannot be done. In this context, of trying to hold onto the past, even reliving pain, seemed to be something of beauty, a reminder of what it meant to feel alive. ( pain relieves the numbness). I loved Proust’s understanding of how memory works – how one association leads to more and more associations and creates the illusion of direct experience. I am not sure I found his imagery to be bloated, but I have not reread it in a long time. Here, I am relying on a memory of what I think I experienced. As someone who longed to write, I was in awe of his talent. I envied his ability to leave the immediacy of the present to recreate the past. That idea holds little interest for me now – I prefer to bring the present to the page and let the past light up when it needs to as a way to inform what is here now.
EMILY AND NICO, GREAT CONVERSATION, BEAUTIFUL QUESTIONS
Nico and Em, your last responses speak to the same recognition and stuckness that, depending on the direction you choose, lead to either suffering or freedom. Nico shared how he and his friend focus on the regret of missed opportunities, which leads to a parinful state of paralysis. Familiar and self-protective as this stance may be, they both realize that in this “coping mechanism” their growth is inhibited. As Nico says, “it's as if the mind creates this intricate illusory game, a narrative of sorts, to distract us from the most feared issues.” So true!
And Em, you participate in the discussion (as Nico attempts to do as well) in the exact way one MUST if she will find release from the very suffering the failure to question engenders. You ask, “Couldn't I make myself crazy if I got stuck on this line of questioning?” The point is, you can only get stuck if you don’t question or if you mistake obsessing for asking. The process of self-interrogation is not the cause of exhaustion, it is the resistance to self-interrogation, the repression, exclusion, or foreclosure of questioning that causes fatigue and suffering. But, like all practices, we have to learn how to question. The (my) psychoanalytic process, for example, is a method of questioning the aim of which is the dismantling of the notion of perceived reality. And so, what is real? I’d encourage you to go back to my series of morning talks on Sri Nisargaddata Maharaj, the entire conversation (from his book `I AM That’) of which is What is real? In the first post, for example, Maharaj says
“Being the source of both, the self is beyond both knowledge and power. The observable is in the mind. The nature of the self is pure awareness, pure witnessing, unaffected by the presence or absence of knowledge or liking. Have your being outside this body of birth and death and all your problems will be solved. They exist because you believe yourself to be born to die. Undeceive yourself and be free. You are not a person.”
In my commentary, I say “This last sentence is most important: “You are not a person.” What Nisargadatta means is that you are only a person in name…. [W]hen viewed in this way, the ultimate nature of reality is revealed: that everything in the universe is interconnected through the web (“fusion”) of cause and effect so that the whole and the parts are mutually interdependent. The character and condition of entities at any given time are intimately connected with the character and condition of all other entities that ONLY superficially may appear to be unconnected or unrelated.”
We could say that this is the real. As a rule, everything else isn’t. And so, “When I have an experience it seems quite real and immediate: I am feeling what I am feeling, doing what I am doing, in what appears to be direct experience, something not yet burdened with the play of memories and the altering of experience through the layering of memories.” I would say that this is very close to direct experience. The only thing “missing,” if you will, is the awareness that what I am experiencing at this very moment is not real; it exists but is not real. So you see, psychologically, you are in the self-awareness; you are directly experiencing your experience (feelings). But, there is one more shall we say ontological/epistemological step: experience and awareness of the fundamental illusoriness of existence, including what my five-sensory system (perceptions) and memories/cognition (conceptions) are revealing to me at this very moment.
"Conscious containment of emotions" is the developed skill of holding in awareness the emotions you are “releasing freely.” If you do not “hold” them, you will likely react to them and act out. And so, it’s balancing feeling and containment in a way that actually gives your feelings more freedom because they don’t overwhelm (rule) you. Or as you so accurately said, “not letting them collect remnants of the past which confuse the present.” In fact, the containment allows you to go deeper and deeper within and open up the heart space until it’s pure light. Brilliant, really. As far as memories go, you are correct when you say that “the feelings/emotions of longing are rooted in the past and create a shadowy film across the present.”
One last thing, I didn’t say Proust failed to "create a beautiful work of fiction.” I was talking about his relationship to time. Proust was brilliant and an exquisite writer who had unqualified intuition. He distinguished between voluntary and involuntary memory and really elaborated the psychoanalytic process of free association in a literary form. I used the word “bloated” only in the sense that the sheer voluminousness of his writing is overwhelming.
because i am a fucking caveman!
om, you write, "what i am experiencing at this very moment is not real; it exists but is not real."
the phrase i quote in the subject line is from the movie Closer, and i find it very appropriate at times from i find myself in confrontations. just recently i found myself screaming "You Motherfucker" at a mom in a minivan with her kids in the backseat as she deliberately ran a stop sign and almost ran me over on my bicycle. She had this horrified look on her face as i screamed the words at her. i felt a uncivilized at this surge of adrenaline, but at the same time it was a split second reaction meant to call her attention to something dangerous that she did. still i was embarrassed at my outburst.
later that day i saw a skinny teenage boy walking down the street with a big, pink sign with the words Free Hugs. By the bus stop, a surly old man started telling the boy how stupid he was for doing this. At which point they started cursing at each other with the boy telling him, "I hope you die you old fucking asshole."
then yesterday, i am walking down the sidewalk in midtown with my friend, we are talking, when out of the corner of my eye, i see this man coming to me in my lane of traffic. i slide over a little bit thinking he will slide over a little bit himself and we would navigate around each other. instead he turn into me and gets right in my face. a weird looking dude he was with semishaded glasses, long grey coat, and donald trump salt and pepper hair. with the glasses down his nose, eye ball to eye ball, he says something like, "don't you think you could share the sidewalk." this is surreal, and i am trying to see if he has a weapon of sorts as i stand my ground and look back at him without saying a word. i felt like he was trying to intimidate me. then he walks away, and as he is walking away, he is cursing at me, talkiing trash. i look back at him and scream, "it works both ways." he keeps walking away and cursing at me. i feel another surge run through me, and i am thinking i should go to him and curse him out right back. but all the bad things that could happen are running through my mind. but still i am ready to go. until an old lady in pink pants, white jacket, big white hair done up in a bun, who is walking my way, starts saying, "let it go, let it go, it's not worth it." i took her as a sign from the universe to let it go, not to confront this guy. instead, i scream at this guy, "i love you. i love you."
he stopped short, stopped cursing, and walked into the building he was going in to. still i wanted to throttle him. why? because i am a fucking caveman!!!!!
and i think back on all these experiences that feel so real because they are super charged with feeling, and i they feel real and they exist. and so, om, did the feeling make them exist? if the feelings had not been there, then i doubt i would even consider them existing. they would outside my awareness.
ps as i write this i am sorta watching the dog whisperer. he's the behavioral dog therapist with a show on national geographic.
NICO WEARS STRIPED PAJAMAS
Nico asks, ”om, you speak of heterotopia, which "represents a coming back toward ourselves as if to reconstitute where we are." this sounds like a call to identify self and identify community, and be aware of how the two relate. not only that, it is a reflective action that is looking on the past, present and future and asking how I fit in. I is form then, right? Is this a move away from emptiness then?”
Great question. Thank you. This afternoon I saw `The Boy In the Striped Pajamas,’ a Holocaust film that is set at a work camp outside Berlin in the latter part of World War II. This is a story about an 8 year old boy named Bruno, the son of an SS officer who oversees the camp. Bruno is, as we would say regarding children and racism, color blind. Bruno is innocent and pure; he is the proverbial Zen mountain before it looks other than a mountain and ostensibly closer to the mountain after it looks like something other than a mountain. It is that middle period when difference degenerates into prejudice and hatred that we get to witness most of the other characters in the film. Bruno asks the Jewish boy, Shmuel, “playing” on the “farm” on the other side of the barb-wired fence, What are those numbers, what game are you playing? And, in reference to the Jew who “was once a doctor” and now peeling potatoes, “Adults are so confused; they can’t decide what they want to do.” Bruno is trying to make sense out of the disordered world around him. It doesn’t fit into his worldview and perceptions about reality. Why do these people where pajamas all day? And as he listens and observes more and more, what unravels is a world far more disturbing than anything he could ever have imagined. The sheer beauty and idyllic warmth of his world is shattering.
So, who are the ones actually in prison? The concentration camp workers awaiting the crematorium? The Nazis? All of us? Are we all wearing striped pajamas?
Nico, in your other post you write, “and i think back on all these experiences that feel so real because they are super charged with feeling; they feel real and exist. and so, om, did the feeling make them exist? if the feelings had not been there, then i doubt i would even consider them existing. they would be outside my awareness.”
And yet, as you quote me, I say, "what i am experiencing at this very moment is not real; it exists but is not real."
Nico, you remind me of Bruno before you became “the fucking caveman.” What strikes me about your anecdotes is how easily you are triggered, how the fear becomes quickly disguised in anger (and even, at times, rage). And yet, you are questioning, asking why it has to be this way; why people aren’t paying more attention, behaving more nicely, and thinking about others. It’s as if your ideal world keeps rolling over land mines and blasting you out of a dream.
I speak often about emptiness, meaning the ultimate nature of reality as lacking inherent, permanent existence. And then I write about heterotopias, those “real,” external spaces having form and ostensibly independent existence. And because it’s form, you ask if I’m still referring to emptiness.
The third century Buddhist philosopher, Nagarjuna, in his first stanza of his `Seventy Stanzas Explaining How Phenomena are Empty of Inherent Existence,’ he explains that the Buddha realized both the absolute and conventional truths about phenomena. Conventional truths refer to how phenomena appear to ordinary people. Emptiness is not either form (self) or no-form (no-self); it is both. When you speak of any one of the experiences in your “caveman” post, you are describing situations in which phenomena (like objects, people, thoughts, feelings, etc.) are caused by other phenomena. This means that certain causes and conditions had the power to bring about the arising of your experiences, including you experiencing and co-creating them.
For Bruno, even at eight he had had years (and perhaps previous lifetimes) of his perceptions and conceptions being shaped vis-à-vis life experience, and the tensions between a more ethical, kind world rapidly usurped by the insanity of a paranoid psychotic despotic belief system, which itself was created by many conditions and causes since the beginning of civilization. The point here is that BOTH the ultimate nature and the conventional nature of reality dependently co-arise and therefore co-exist. If they didn’t emptiness would refer to a nihilistic void, independent of the very reality it is empty of, and that is impossible. In other words, emptiness merely refers to the way we perceive reality, that is, our awareness of the nature of reality. If we see it in conventional terms, all phenomena will APPEAR independent, and the difference engendered in independent existence will continue to cause prejudice, divisiveness, hatred, violence, genocide and ecocide. If we are able to see the interconnectedness of all phenomena, the awareness of that realization will cause compassion, lovingkindness and an ethical virtuous existence without suffering. This is the Buddha’s teaching.
More questions?
thank you, om, for the
thank you, om, for the thoughtful response to my questions. your post certainly leaves me with a lot to think about, vague notions of questions i think i need to ask.
but right now i am tired and sleepy and don't have the mental power to bite into this juice slice of intellect you have just thrown on my plate.
i will rejoin it tomorrow.
thank you.
Om's latest post
I probably have a few questions.... but for now,
it is yes, yes, yes,
I can almost smell my understanding in the form of a lilac brush that is not yet fully in bloom.
LETTER TO THE NY TIMES EDITOR ON OBAMA
In addition to Obama greening America, he's been thus far following his vision (and confirming my vision of his vision). Following is a letter from a NY Times reader whose view feels right.
Re “Mr. Obama’s Team” (editorial, Dec. 2):
It’s barely a month since we elected Barack Obama to be our next president. Normally, I wouldn’t predict any future president’s success before Inauguration Day, but Mr. Obama’s decisive and brilliant transition has thus far been dazzling. The judgment, confidence and resolve, which many mistook for arrogance during the campaign, were instrumental to his electoral success.
Today, in the midst of global crises, Mr. Obama has demonstrated that the stunning stewardship of his campaign wasn’t a fluke. He is a pragmatist without the disposition and tolerance for ego, bruised feelings or insecurity in pursuit of his vision.
By recreating Abraham Lincoln’s “Team of Rivals” with a cabinet staffed with the nation’s best, including his former presidential rival Hillary Rodham Clinton and the current administration’s secretary of defense, Robert M. Gates, Mr. Obama is already fulfilling one vision — a unified America.
If Mr. Obama’s pre-inauguration actions predict his entire presidency, history might someday compare Mr. Obama to Lincoln in ways beyond just spearheading cabinets comprised of rivals. Actually, as a Democrat, I am more thrilled that Mr. Obama could possibly be the F.D.R. of my lifetime.
Wayne Trujillo
Denver, Dec. 2, 2008
SINGER-SONGWRITER SUZANNE VEGA ON RACE AND IDENTITY
Which Side Are You On?
By Suzanne Vega
In the last few months I have had a chance to review a song I wrote in October of 2007. It’s called “Daddy Is White,” and I haven’t sung it out loud yet in front of an audience except to record a demo of it. My daughter worries that people might make fun of me. However, I feel that it is a truthful song.
In my last blog I mentioned that I was raised in a half-Puerto Rican family and spent five years in East Harlem as a young child. At some point, when I was about 9 years old, I learned that my birth father was actually English-Scottish-Irish. Or white, as we used to say in my old neighborhood. Actually, anybody looking at me could probably tell that this was the case, but I felt I was the last to know, partly because I was treated by my Puerto Rican abuelita and my aunt and uncle as one of their own. I was proud, and still am proud, to be a Vega.
One person wrote in after my last blog entry to ask whether I had any plans to record Puerto Rican songs or songs in Spanish as a way of honoring those roots. I thought about this, but have to say no, even though I have had experience singing songs in Spanish. One of my first performing jobs was with a group called The Alliance of Latin Arts. I was 15 years old, and it was a government sponsored job, where we traveled from borough to borough singing songs in Spanish, like “La Bamba.” I attracted attention wherever I went, and it wasn’t because of my singing. (Somewhere in storage in a folder marked “scrapbook” I have a flyer from that job — when I find it I will post it here.) If you could look at the photo, you would see one girl in the line of dark-skinned Latinas to the far right looking down, and that is me, sticking out as usual.
It always struck me that in this picture I look like I am not only of a different race, but of a different century, as though I were Emily Dickinson and had somehow wandered into the Bronx in the 1970’s. (It should be noted that Puerto Ricans are not of one race — there are blue-eyed blond Puerto Ricans, though I never actually met any until recently.) I feel it would be false of me to do an album of Puerto Rican songs, since pretending I fit in, even back then, always felt a bit forced.
Songs brand us a part of a tribe. We can pick and choose what tribe we belong to. Goth, emo, hippie, punk, folk, alternative, for example. “Mom! Why are you wearing all black?” my daughter recently shouted at me. “You look so emo!” “I always wear black,” I mumbled. “But we are at the beach!” she said. Well, maybe she had a point.
I am of Irish descent, among other things, but I feel it would be false of me to perform traditional Irish music, even though I find some of it very moving. When I worked with Mitchell Froom, I liked that he said, “I will reveal you to be the mutant you really are!” when he heard how I grew up and about the mixed bag of stuff I grew up listening to — from Woody Guthrie and Phil Ochs to Motown, Lou Reed, Leonard Cohen and Bob Dylan. But perhaps one day I could do an album of Jewish folk songs in A-minor, or an album of cante jondo, which Federico Garcia Lorca wrote of; this would take guts. I love sad and tragic songs, and I love the sensuality of Brazilian bossa nova; perhaps my melancholic temperament could do justice to an album like this.
I remember walking down the street one day, wearing a Smiths t-shirt, back in the mid-’80s. I was headed for the subway station, and I had to pass through a crowd of black teenagers to get there. There were maybe eight or so young men, looking me up and down as I picked my way through them. My neck prickled with worry. What would they say? Would they call me a goofy white girl, or worse?
One of them snickered. My stomach dropped. Then another one sang out, “I am human and I need to be loved!! Just like everybody else does!!” Morrissey’s transcendental lyrics from “How Soon Is Now?” It was so unexpected that I burst out laughing. They knew the song! Then we all laughed, and the tension was broken. Maybe we were the same tribe after all.
* * *
Ed Vega, circa 1972.This song is called “Daddy Is White,” and I don’t know what tribe it represents. Maybe you also thought your daddy was Puerto Rican, and then you turned out to have another father! The song doesn’t even apply to my brothers and sister, whose daddy really was Ed Vega, who is shown here at the dining room table with the family guitar. However, the second and third verses were also drawn from reality — the second verse applies to the neighborhood I live in, where if you walk anywhere you run into the projects, where you can still feel those prickles, and feel all eyes on you: “What is she doing here?”
In the weeks following the recent election, though, there has been a very different feeling in the air in these neighborhoods, a feeling of relief, of recognition, of pride. There is going to be a man in the White House (Barack Obama) whose mother was white and whose father was black. He was a mixed-race child; he is a black man. His family is multicultural, as mine is. What a relief to see this represented in the realities of power and politics! In the media!
We say these words out loud and in print. Black, white. When I recorded the demo of this song earlier this year my engineer and I discussed what the song was about. At one point I realized we were whispering those words. Now we say them out loud, and they reflect our reality. It matters.
The last verse was inspired by a real-life discussion I overheard at a bar in Baltimore. A black man and a white woman were discussing a recent sports event. He called her “baby” playfully. She called him “stats boy,” meaning, I guess, someone well-versed in statistics. The conversation escalated quickly into a loud yelling argument, as he did not feel he was a boy of any kind and that word had racist overtones. Maybe the recent election means my song is on its way to being obsolete. I hope so.
Daddy Is White (By Suzanne Vega, 2007) (click for original essay and song)
I am an average white girl who comes from Upper Manhattan.
And I am totally white, but I was raised half Latin.
This caused me some problems among my friends and my foes,
Cause when you look into my face, it’s clear what everybody else knows:
Chorus:
My daddy is white.
So I must be white too.
When you look into the mirror, what
Comes looking back at you?
If your daddy is white,
You must be white too.
When you look into the mirror
what comes looking back at you?
I feel it in the city when I take a walk uptown
I feel the tension in the air, I feel it ticking all around,
I feel it filling up the sidewalk, in the spaces in between,
Between my face and your face in public places where we get seen.
Chorus
He called her baby. She called him boy, and then it started.
They were strangers at the bar, and they both ended broken hearted.
And it was a conversation, but it ended as a fight.
And I can tell you it’s because he was black, and she was white.
A COMMUNITY OF MEANING
In thinking about this morning’s next blog post, I was having this (intra)subjective moment, you know that subvocal conversation one has with oneself. It’s a way we hold and relate to ourselves and it has a number of purposes; but, the intent of this post is to address something else, so I’ll hold that discussion for another post. Anyway, I was about to title this post `The Meaning of Community,’ but then thought it sounded cliché and wouldn’t exactly catch my meaning. A community of meaning is really a community of shared meanings and these shared meanings, together, serve to create intentions and practices that reach beyond the individual. What provoked this thought was the fact that yesterday some dear friends looked at a small horse farm for me up in New Paltz with the intention of purchasing it for the center and initiative I am hoping to create. It's called (for now) `The Intergeneration Healthcare and Wellness Initiative: Center for Inspired Living.’ I began actively working on it almost two years ago but had to put it aside due to lack of funds :I But, yesterday, after my friends volunteered to check out this property for me, I realized that the energy is coming back and it’s coming back intersubjectively. A vision I have had for many years and that wanted to come out of its intrasubjective space and share itself with other subvocalities wanting to come out and play is growing again. I honesty don’t don’t if this thing is going to happen, but damn it feels good to have a beautiful community of meaning.
Om's community
“A community of meaning is really a community of shared meanings and these shared meanings, together, serve to create intentions and practices that reach beyond the individual.”
Om, this sounds like such a wonderful vision and aspiration. Such a warm place of healing, and most of all, such a natural extension of who you are. You are a community of meaning. You live, breath and practice each moment of everyday as an integrated and integral part of the community you have built. You practice, teach and show by example how to create intentions that reach beyond the individual.
“I honesty don’t don’t if this thing is going to happen, but damn it feels good to have a beautiful community of meaning.”
Even if, The Intergeneration Healthcare and Wellness Initiative: Center for Inspired Living, doesn’t come to fruition, the vision and intention itself generates so much. It evokes passion, hope, vision, aspiration, compassion and love – the vision– a community of meaning.
It feels good to hear it and envision it; I can only imagine how good it feels to be at the axis. Keep on dreaming my friend, a wise man tells me all the time that the universe will supply and this has already been a year of great triumph.
To this community of meaning
I am leaving in the wee hours for a week's retreat in Mexico. I will be thinking of all of you, hearing your voices in my head, and singing to you. Be well. Breath. Love
em, have a great Mexico
em, have a great Mexico retreat. and remember to retreat back to us!
om, i share megan's thoughts
om, i share megan's thoughts on the wellness center.
and good to hear from megan again.
now where is camila gorilla?
NICO AND MEGAN, THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY MEANING
I think we all, at some time in our lives (and particularly in childhood), imagine living in a utopian community. Disappointment, feeling unrecognized or left out, not fitting in, and familial trauma create the perfect conditions and causes for imagining a better, ideal world from which many if not all our needs will be met.
As a staunch individualist, however, I was suspect of utopia visions basically because they felt, if not cultish, then reflecting a closed system which ultimately replaces one hierarchal structure (patriarchy) for another. Not that I have a problem with hierarchy, by the way. In Wilber’s view, for example, hierarchy refers developmentally to an “asymmetrical order of increasing wholeness” and so refers to a pattern emergence of parts into wholes; it does not refer to a repressive, oppressive or dominating rule. In a healthy hierarchy, for example, leadership not only needs to exist, but potentially serves to heal and integrate an ailing community consciousness.
Coming from a completely failed community (my family), the larger failed communities (my immediate neighborhood, school, church) of my youth, and the pathological cultural forms those communities fostered, I have always felt this deep motivation to create a relational model of community that sustained a balance between communion and autonomy. This balance, however, required two things: a vital psychological connection between individuals (in awareness and practice, based on interdependency and recognition) and complete freedom of individual voices. Thus, a tension in awareness would be necessary because, as systems go, they always push for one side of the scale. To ensure this tension, process has to be the very infrastructure of the community. The moment process dissolves, the system closes and pathological forms of relationships ensue (e.g., either merger enmeshment pathologies or isolation violence pathologies)
I do realize, however, that utopias, as the philosopher, Foucault would write, are “unreal spaces.” As ideal imaginary forms, they do not externally exist. But, there is a term I like that comes close to what I have constructed in my mind as a real place which would effectively and simultaneously mirror all the other real places found in a community culture, in such ways, as to intersubjectively represent, contest and invert them. Foucault calls this term heterotopia. The mirroring aspect of this heterotopia is a kind of utopia (it doesn’t externally exist), in that it is a mental or conceptualizing virtual space always present on the other side of the glass. It is that necessary part of any relationship that represents a coming back toward ourselves as if to reconstitute where we are. Its function is processing in the form of questioning. This is what I believe is missing in many communities, and certainly in community healthcare centers. This interior space of reflection (we might say, introspection) gives the external aspect the integration necessary for addressing the totality of the human being living in the community. This is what I emphasize in my vision of the `Intergeneration Healthcare and Wellness Initiative’ and why, in my mission statement, I say, the initiative “seeks a comprehensive understanding of the individual and intergenerational community it serves.”
“The Intergeneration Healthcare and Wellness Initiative integrates, aligns and synergizes, internally and externally, an already existing number of separate (partial) perspectives and methodologies into an interrelated network of programs, practices, activities and treatment…. Human development, regardless of culture, embraces increased inclusivity, complexity and psychological and spiritual awareness, all of which are components of the Initiative’s objectives and goals. The Initiative also serves as a hub for other community-serving centers, organizations and groups within and outside the community’s physical borders. An example of this is the Initiative’s link to the local university, a great source of participatory research and education.”
creating the self that has no form?
from the recent discussions we have had lately on the blog, emptiness, form and self all spring into my mind.
and in this post, om, you speak of heterotopia, which "represents a coming back toward ourselves as if to reconstitute where we are." this sounds like a call to identify self and identify community, and be aware of how the two relate. not only that, it is a reflective action that is looking on the past, present and future and asking how do I fit in?
I is form then, right?
Is this a move away from emptiness then?
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