There is not two or three but one hawk and that makes all the difference. One is that eternal moment in which we live, inseparate from reality, a reality cold in its stark sweep, like breath almost unheard, and time. Fourteen lines almost unbroken and a combination of metric stresses purposely reaching and missing and images and sounds quickly dropping and clashing between sense and meaning, sibilance and the verticality of word. This is the tension, the friction of reality against the silence of emptiness, almost heard. It is cold, but only the animistic will reveal the humanity outside its borders, in the snow’s reflection and forgetting, in the pausing and returning again and again to that which we fear, the stark memory of pain we wouldn’t even know if not for “what is not thought.”
but when is no one around? some one is always round. my my, how many rafts and canoes and cars and bikes and trails and paths i've traveled in and on, gawking up at turning and turning hawk, just one ignoring whatever falconer calls out in earshot. these words, "one hawk / has flown down," and yet, just "one hawk," already recalls for me an entire lifetime. the dots are connected so easily sometimes. then, and then, and then... all these hawks, all these supposed me's staring up in wonder, in awe. seven, thirteen, twenty-one, four, seventeen... and when i was quite young each hawk would join the rest of the critters and creatures who called out to me. "bombo" i called them, my imaginary friend always with me embodied in a squirrel, or a chipmunk, or a sparrow, or a hawk. "bombo! look, it's bombo!" when bombo chose a real impressive animal, like a bird of prey, i'd only whisper the name silently to myself, bombo. after a while i'd smile, suddenly finding the flight less fearsome -- yet just as wondrous -- since, after all, i was quite close friends with that particular hawk. and sixteen grumpy looking out the window to try and get away from the rest of the people in the car and there -- out there, flying... a hawk... circling patiently...
i've never seen a hawk attack. though once out on a river i watched some bird of prey swoop down to the water and i thought -- oh! -- but didn't see anything.
almost unheard is perhaps as close as a tree might get to being unheard, even when no one is around. i'm glad they're only almost unheard, and the snow's surprise, and the cold that just is. i've felt that kind of cold, just "it is cold" cold. every once in a while, when i'm surprised by a wind so biting all my body can say is, "it is cold," i forget that i'm not back in iceland, waiting for aurora, surprised by the snowstorm... iceland, where every tree is almost unheard, and even almost unseen...
somehow that squeaking has to be answered, and that little one fed, and a little boy perhaps has to turn inward and hide for a while in the red hollow of the bud, until it's a little less cold. but for now it is cold, and one hawk has flown down, and the little boy hides in the squeaking in the boughs; perhaps a sorry hiding place, but it was never meant to last this long. he waits, perhaps he squeaks a little, and maybe he can't stop thinking, and when he peaks out and looks around he sees only hawks.
I am hurrying to write this as my computer is very ill and may leave my words in the dust at any moment. I didn't mean to disappear, but my words have been few. I have been volunteering two mornings a week at a local hospice and am having one of the most challenging relationships with a resident that I have had in many many years. In addition, my cousin is dying - so life and death is on my mind.
In many ways I am aware of how ordinary death is. How it is part of life, but mostly greeted as if it were a horrific stranger than was never supposed to arrive. I felt this so intensely when one of my family members kept saying that my cousin's death/dying is a nightmare. Finally, I said, "Maybe it will help if we think of it, not as a nightmare, but as part of this life.". I said it not even so much for her, but for myself, to remind myself, that if I see things as they are, then as they are, is not nearly as frightening as I imagine things to be.
For most of my life I wanted to be of service to the dying. I wanted to be of service to people of all ages. But I wanted to do this for all the wrong reasons. I had to make peace with own feelings about life/death While it is an on-going process - seeing death, not as the nightmare, but as a part of this dream, we call life, has given me a new pair of shoes to walk in. I am finally able to service with more clarity. It is a blessing.
There is something about the simultaneous juxtaposition of a cleverly polymorphous Durex condom commercial, Noah’s ostensibly hungry libido and rich fantasy life, Emily’s sobering and somehow beautiful glimpse of life through death and dying, and my current philosophical sojourning into the relationship between Existentialism and Buddhist ontology. Somehow they… well… excuse the pun… just fit.
Somewhere in the Existentialist movement, if you will, reality was not clearly reconciled between dialectically opposing but codetermined dualistic (conventional/form) and nondualistic (ultimate/emptiness) statuses. It seems to me that the reason -- as far as I can see – was existentialism’s tendency to give primacy to subjectivity, or the “self.” It’s quite understandable since Existentialism is anthropocentric. Anyway, my point is that, if we separate out life and death) what Emily is asking herself and us NOT to do), we are just left with two things: suffering and a lot of fucking. As far as I can see from Noah’s video, fucking until we drop.
Now, for many of you, fucking may be the be-and-end-all anyway and worth all the suffering. But, as I watch this video, I am reminded that fucking for most is actually part of the suffering; it is the dualistic fixation aspect of the suffering triad (delusions, afflictive emotions, and dualistic fixations) that goes part and parcel with our belief in the independent, permanent self. You see, fucking can be experienced either dualistically or non-dualistically, in the same way that life and death can be experienced dualistically or non-dualistically. The difference, of course, is that fucking from non-dualistic awareness is actually free from suffering, in the same way that life and death are free from suffering. The difference being that – to paraphrase from my poem – it’s not the fucking itself, but the depth of the subjects fucking, that most defines fucking. So, what I seem to be saying here, if I can be presumptuous enough to give some friendly advice, is basically to get a fucking non-dualistic life.
Let’s suppose I’m an elderly citizen of 75 living in a small college town community in upstate New York. I’m retired and my wife died a year ago. I have two children, a boy and girls, but they live far away. I have had some medical problems which limit my ability to get around. I’ve lived in this town for twenty years and have made friends over time but, to be truthful, up until recently I tended to spend much time on my own. I’m college educated and, in fact, was a teacher for 30 years. I love to read and garden and keep up with the news.
A couple of months ago, one of the healthcare organizations in town called the Intergenerational Healthcare and Wellness Initiatives reached out to me in an attempt to keep me more connected to the community. A van picks me up regularly and drives me to the Center for Inspired Living, where I received some healthcare services, go to lectures and meet other folks from around the community. I also have begun to use my teaching skills again with some of the children in the community who need help with reading. One of the older girls in town has been working with me on developing my computer skills and I’ve been spending more time on the web.
But, one development has been particularly useful and indeed meaningful for me. Through the Initiative and Center, I’ve signed up through a Facebook-type of website, with a community group, where I have built up a fair-sized network of friends. If I ever need anything or if something is going on in town, I’m sure to find out on Facebook. Before I said meaningful and what I meant was that I feel more connected and less isolated, which I was told was a primary objective of the Initiative and Center. Another important point, my Facebook profile also has a healthcare function; it’s a private and confidential record of my health status for the practioners I work with and includes my nutrition and medication. This way the practitioners have better communication with each other and the care I receive feels more complete and total. In this new age, I have come to realize that community culture is taking on a new shape, clearly one for the better.
And, oh, by the way, I met a new lady friend through Facebook, too, who has also lost her spouse a few years ago. We’re certainly hitting it off and I ask, will wonders ever cease?
Ah, come on...... there are so many reasons to be on facebook. Let's say you are a forty or fifty year old man who has lots of friends who don't live in town - let's say one lives in DC or something. And you just miss her to death. You can log onto facebook and maybe find out all the mundane things she is doing or what she is thinking. Now ain't that just a hoot!
Okay, I’ll go first since I’ve been delinquent on posting lately. But I’ll have to warn you I might be a little all over the place. ;)
Emily, Thank you for sharing your experience with hospice and your change of perspective in relation to dying. Reading you talk about death not as a nightmare but as a part of life was very soothing to me. You couldn’t have shared your feelings at a better time as I was reading your post as my husband was returning home from a long day that included visits to the medical examiners office and the funeral home to take care of arrangements for his father who had died on Thursday. I was surprised and proud of his strength, his composure and his ability to go through the motions when he was clearly struggling with understanding the reality that he father had died. I was anxious that I couldn’t somehow hold his pain for him or find the right words to soothe his sadness. I just sat with your words and waited on the couch for his return and I thought about the life my father-in-law had lived.
My father-in-law suffered most of his life and at that moment, I was not angry or even devastated, I didn’t even wonder about fairness I just wondered if he ever felt the sun on his face or watched the waves slowly role onto the beach at sun set; what was those few beautiful moments that helped him continue to live through all of the hardship? Did all that suffering serve him in some way and if so would it cease now? Would he be forced to re-live severe suffering or would he be given the opportunity, in his next life, to flourish and be free from suffering? I thought about the things he’d experienced and had been through- living through the depression, losing both of his parents as a child, fighting in the Korean War, experiencing economic hardship and mental and medical health issues, caring for his wife when she developed Multiple Sclerosis after having their third child and I again wondered was is the smile on his children’s faces, was it the leaves falling in the fall, or was it simply the duty of caring for his wife that kept him going? How did he find the strength to keep going? How does any of us find the strength?
On Saturday morning I woke up and wanted to write him a letter, I wanted to thank him for having a part in creating the man that I love. I wanted to thank him and some how honor his life and yet I was not really sure just how to do this. On Tuesday, after the funeral I went behind the alter to find a bathroom and to my surprise walked into the Catholic school’s cafeteria, it was filled with young black children, in sharp maroon school uniforms, the excitement on their faces and in the air was almost making them dance off their seats. The scene took me by surprise and was such a contrast to the scene I had left on the other side of the curtain, I then realized I was standing in front of a large screen and the children had gathered to watch the presidential inauguration. I had forgotten about the inauguration, caught up in a world of flowers, trays of pasta and contacting relatives the days since Friday had all begun to merge into each other. It was refreshing and somehow inspiring to be able to peak into this room and witness this amazing moment in history through the eyes of these children. For a few moments I forgot again, I forgot I had just attended a funeral and was heading to a cemetery I was lost in the beauty of the hope and joy in these children’s faces especially since they lived in the one of the poorest sections of the Bronx. I though to myself this is the moments you were asking about this morning, this is a moment these children will each hold onto for the rest of their lives to help them to strive for a better life.
I stepped back into my life and back into the funeral procession with a little more clarity and hope. When I stepped out of my car in the bitter cold and looked across the snow covered cemetery, the hills, the rows of bare trees and the mound of soil sitting aside his plot, there he sat a part of this amazing landscape inside of his slate grey coffin, covered so gracefully with an American flag I wondered if it was all just a dream. The scene for a moment took my breath away, the color guard in blue uniform standing at attention on either side of the coffin a single woman standing behind in fatigues the small group of us hovering into each other to brace from the bitter wind. We were only there for 20 minutes but in those 20 minutes I felt all his suffering release into the universe and I felt for the first time his life was truly honored as I witnessing the color guard ceremony and the way in which the military honors veterans at their death. It made me think of all we’ve been talking about, of suffering, of life and death of forgiveness and of focus in life.
Of the suffering I’ve been through and are still to experience and how I understand and face and even dissolve that suffering as my daily practice. Of my own struggle with death and how in the past it would devour me; the grief would devastate me because I didn’t know how to allow the room to grieve. Of how much more comfortable I am with it and yet still so fearful that one day it will also be my fate. Of forgiveness in which I am only starting to dip my toe into the pond and process required to learn to work through and forgive. Could I allow myself to not push harder against the fears of forgiveness without the daunting thought in the back of my head that one day, maybe even one day soon I will be faced to burry my own father? And then I thought of my own journey, my life, what does it stand for? How will I honor this life while I am living and how will my life be honored when I am no longer? What is it that my life stands for that is the theme of my evolution? What thing is it that I always come back to that keeps me grounded and striving to be a better person? I thought about how much I enjoy the ongoing challenge of trying to be free and allow my true self to explore, how I am discovering how much I love the exploration itself and I thought of how I am always wishing I could do more to help others. I’ve been just bouncing around all of these intertwined thoughts and themes for the last week and then today I stumbled across a story of a woman in Maryland that last month had quintuplets. By chance she came to the United States and is now going to raise these children here instead of the war raged desert of the Sudan while her husband is home working for the military. Just looking at their faces brings hope to my own heart, I melt when I read that they will most likely stay and have the opportunity to grow up in a country that will provide them with unlimited possibilities. Just like that, by chance the roads open to them are so drastically different than they could have been. I wonder if this is just the word that was floating around me all week, even in the saddest moment I had hope, hope that my father-in-law will experience a better life in his next phase and that I will continue to use each experience as a gift for understanding and growth.
I will write more later. But thank you for sharing so much. I have been consumed with several family events - one tomorrow - a cousin of mine just died unexpectedly. So, I appreciate so much all that you shared. Later.....
Submitted by nico lime (not verified) on Sun, 01/25/2009 - 1:33pm.
megan, i had been feeling very angry and isolated, but now less so. i was angry with my parents for not being able to give me what i wanted but then realized i was really having a flash back to when i was a child. even so, it is so hard to communicate with them because i feel like they give me so little in return. they are very authoritative, very emotionally constrained, and become very angry and unconfortable when i broach subjects that are emotionally charged or tender.
i try to find the empathy to have more compassion for them so that i can forgive them more. and i do feel like i have forgiven them so a lot, but every so often, something else crops up that triggers my anger to punish them.
a friend told me that the reason i am angry at them is because i don't want to let them go as my parents, in the way a child wants its parents. and, this friend continues, that by staying angry with them i can still think of them parents that need to fulfill some of my needs. if i was to forgive them i would have to let go of my anger and dissolve the illusion of the child needing parents, which, in turn would mean i would lose them. and this is what i really don't want to do.
i am not sold on this yet because i don't yet feel it. i have to sit on it for some more.
but enough about me, how are you? what are you feeling?
Nico, I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around what your friend shared with you in regards to your parents and maybe this leads me to my exact issue with not being able to let my own parents go. I know plenty of adults who have healthy relationships with their parents and they continue to provide guidance, support and encouragement well beyond the years of raising and rearing them. They serve as a confident and usher to help navigate the different stages of life. What would your friend say to this? Is it being childish to expect your parents to continue a role of guidance beyond the age of 18?
Submitted by nico lemon (not verified) on Thu, 01/29/2009 - 12:58pm.
megan, your question took me a couple of days to come up with a comfortable answer. i can only imagine that in healthy parent/child relationships the parents transition from parents who have authority to friends who care about and advice the child. Certainly in my relationship with my parents, i have never had that transition where i feel like i am talking to a friend who i really love and care about. i look at them as my mother and father who i really love and hate at times. we have never had the transition to openess to discuss and relate freely on all the issues and events that have hobbled our lives. many topics are inaccessible because they cause too much friction, pain, and the memories of loss. even when i attempt to dance around the tougher topics, i receive very little in return, even in the form of dialogue or acceptance of my thoughts and views on those topics. this stymies the relationship and keeps it from growing from the parent/child to the friend/friend model.
even last monday, after i had visited them, and i was driving away from their place in flushing, i saw my father standing on the sidewalk, watching me go. i felt this great love for him, and at the same time i saw his age, and the fear that he might not be around much longer gripped me. yet i feel like there is this chasm i have to cross, and there is no bridge to take me there.
i know i have to accept them for who they are. and i have to stop expecting them to give me something they cannot give.
does this make sense, megan?
how does it relate to your experience with your parents?
It is wonderful to finally sit down with your post. I am sorry for your loss, for your husband’s loss. Your post reminded me of the pull of life in the midst of death.
I am surrounded by death all the time – as we all are, but right now, working at a hospice makes me feel even closer to life. I find myself looking forward to my two mornings at Joseph’s House and the ritual that I have surrounding my visits. I arrive at 7:30a.m. to be with one particular resident. It is still dark when I awaken and the darkness is just fading as I walk the twenty five minutes through my neighborhood and into the next. I watch the lights go on in the houses and wonder who is waking up, who is still asleep. I meet the same people out walking their dogs, and I look at the trees, the bushes, taking note of so many things I would ordinarily miss. On my way home in the late morning or early afternoon, the walk, again, lifts me – although I already lifted by being at the hospice and joining in that community. Being of service is the most healing act that I can think of, alongside a daily sitting practice.
As I posted earlier, my cousin, Ann died during surgery last week. It was an unexpected death –a complication of neck surgery that resulted in a major stroke. I have been thinking about her continuously – thinking how unfathomable death always is – and how her crazy sense of humor will be absent from the otherwise very dull family events that we shared. I think of how pissed off she would be if she knew that her life would end as it did. And I also think how she would probably tell us to get on with it – have a party, get on a motorcycle and hit the road.
I think when someone dies the relationship doesn’t end – that in fact it grows in a new way, something I might not have said or believed years ago. I find myself talking to Ann all the time, thinking about her, looking at the world with her in mind. She extends my consciousness.. I don’t mean to minimize the actual physical loss, or what it will mean on a day to day basis for her family – for that loss is profound and real, and the grief is something that burns in every pore.
I hated the funeral. I hated the rabbi. I hated the service. It was cold. It was a lecture. It was dogma. So, I sat in my seat, taking deep, long breaths, trying to find compassion for the rabbi who, despite his efforts, exuded little warmth, too much head and too hidden a heart. There were so many stories that were not shared. My cousin suffered from a horrific car accident when she was a teenager. A surgery to repair cracked vertebra resulted in a cardiac arrest. She had to rebuild her life, learning to talk, walk, and think again. The surgery that resulted in her recent death was meant to repair the same vertebrae that could not be repaired the first time. She was excited about a future with no neck pain. She had no idea, not even a fleeting thought, that it would not work this time.
She had passion for life, despite any pain that she lived with and she was not the least bit bitter. The most profound and lasting symptom from her initial injury was her inability to censor herself. She would say the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times. Her comments were outrageous, off color – never mean spirited, but always shocking. The amazing part was that her passion for life made it all OK –everyone accepted whatever came out of her mouth ( doctor’s lawyers, judges….) because they knew there was a innocence to it. Her thoughts literally slipped from her brain to her mouth. She gave us stories and laughter for a lifetime.
And so, here is another day. Snow gently covers the ground and the grey light has a magical quality. Sometimes I cry for no reason. Right before the tears come I feel angry, sick, as if I am going to implode. As soon as I release them I feel the earth opening up, smiling.
Submitted by nico lime (not verified) on Thu, 01/29/2009 - 1:11pm.
em, thank you for sharing this beautiful letter of yours. though it has loss and sadness, it is also full of hope and heart. i am sorry Ann died. i wish i would have had the opportunity to meet her.
you said that now you think that when someone dies, the relationship doesn't end, but grows in new ways. what do you mean?
Emily, Thanks for sharing how you are feeling. Sometimes your words take my breath away, they somehow engulf me and I have to sit with them and the essence of them for a little while before I can start to take them apart and look at the meaning. I was doing this last night, I could feel you walking through your neighborhood and the next in the early hours of the day and I could see the smile on your face as you spoke about the life, energy and passion your cousin Ann brought to your life. I could understand my own tension before succumbing to tears more clearly and recall how peaceful I feel afterwards. Today I was thinking about why this is, why your words for me come to life and resonate so deeply. I realized that your words resonate so deeply with me because of your wisdom and the way you talk directly from your heart. There is clarity in what you say, even when you seem to be searching and are not sure where you are, there is clarity in your words.
I like Nico, am particularly drawn to what you say here:
“I think when someone dies the relationship doesn’t end – that in fact it grows in a new way, something I might not have said or believed years ago. I find myself talking to Ann all the time, thinking about her, looking at the world with her in mind. She extends my consciousness..”
I felt this way the morning after my father-in-law’s death when I was writing him a letter in my mind and thanking him for his wonderful son. I feel that way when I pass something on the street that reminds me of friends and other relatives and when I talk to my Grandfather knowing he would have had a funny comeback for me. But I never really thought about the relationship growing and the extension of consciousness. What a beautiful way to put it, I’ll have to sit on this for a little while this week.
you have given me so much to think about and I deeply appreciate your feedback. I want to respond to your thoughts - so much about the relationship between parent's and children- but this will take time- yes, it will. It is the river that runs beneath my feet.
I decided to check in this evening, after a long absence, and found all these beautiful flowers blooming in our garden! That might sound like a strange response to what Megan, Emily and Nico have shared about the recent deaths of loved ones you have experienced or the struggle with parental relationships. I just see such aliveness in all of you as you contemplate and uncover truths about yourselves in relationship to these people and what they represent for you, or even what death means to you. Even you, Nico, seem to be experiencing a death with your parents. The death of the old relationship which is no longer acceptable, tenable or really existent anymore for you. You have changed, and therefore IT will change. there's no choice anymore. death always brings new life. it's mother nature's cycle.
All of this is bringing me back to recent events in my own life, involving a parent. Long story short, my dad almost died a couple of weeks ago. He had some kind of virulent infection that lead to renal failure and landed him in the ICU getting emergency dialysis. He is feeling better, but the kidneys have not recovered and he is looking at a lifetime of dialysis or transplant. For me, the reality of what he is confronting and the events that lead up to his current situation are tragic with a capital T. It also raises a whole host of issues that I thought I was over regarding this estranged relationship. He had been really sick over Christmas and actually went to the doctor, despite his tendency to avoid medical assistance until a full blown crisis forces him to. The on-call doctor sent him home with amoxicillin without taking any tests, even though he complained of dehydration and has a history of bladder cancer and uses a urostomy bag. For the next week he weakened. He refused to go to the emergency room, insisting on waiting until his doctor was back from vacation. When he finally went to see him (showing up in slippers with no socks on a freezing cold day) his doctor sent him straight to the hospital, saying, "in non-medical terms, you're really fucked up!". My sister and I are both distraught over not having intervened before it got to that point. Although we were talking to him daily on the phone and telling him to go to the ER, we didn't physically go over to his place and drag his ass there. Now, is that our responsibility? Isn't he a grown man and isn't it his fault for being so damn stubborn? or was he someone in need that we didn't assist because we were too fucked up ourselves by old memories? Point is, we realized that we were acting in the memories of the past, as opposed to the present. His sometimes bizarre, schizoid behavior (or just lack of relatedness) makes us avoid him as much as he avoids us, and our pain and feelings of loss, abandonment and betrayal from the past interfere with our ability to be present to what is now. I am lucky to have a great friend-like relationship with my mom, and that there are moments when my dad expresses ways in which he does get me and affirms who I am. But dad and I will never share a give and take the way I always imagined or dreamed of. Now it's up to me to decide what I want from this relationship at the end of his life--whether it be for 2 more months or 20 years. The death of his kidneys have brought me to an awakening, as unfortunate and tragic as that loss has been.
Submitted by nico lemon (not verified) on Fri, 01/30/2009 - 1:00am.
welcome back, camila. so glad to hear from you again (i should talk! i was gone for awhile too).
sorry about your dad. i hope he gets better. as for your relationship with him, your words are beautiful and full of feeling. thank you for sharing. maybe i can learn a little something from them and from you.
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A friend of mine today asked about forgiveness. She said she is trying to practice forgiveness in order to achieve more freedom in her life. Though she doesn’t fully understand it, she knows it is the answer because her anger feels energetically as if it is blocking her, holding her down in some indeterminate way.
The first thing I thought about was a poem I wrote, called `The Patient.’
The Patient
She says, When I was 12 my father smashed the cupboard door in my face for drinking milk out of the container. She ran to the bathroom, rolled off some toilet paper, pressed against the swollen lip and red gum. A front tooth was broken along with her face and chances of any boy wanting to kiss her, especially with her two dollar sneakers and rag she wore as a dress. It was lunch time, she had to return to school. Before leaving her father grabbed her, said Don't forget to tell the teacher you fell on the stairs. Eyes closed around bruises as cars rumbled down the street under midday sky. I imagine myself back in Whitestone lifting my father off the kitchen floor, his heavy frame and torn-up face no longer possessing chair and table where Rheingold beer and Camel cigarettes stench the night; the same night, like a horn bloated with air, he garbles my name from the window, black around a pin of light flickering red; one of many nights I get up from the stoop across the street in the summer swarm of friends, my shame smudged from mouths concealing relief that the light isn't flickering from their windows. As I cross the street, unable to put me back into myself, I pray for the day I will shove my father along with memory into a hole, the day I see my patient's future, now the inside of which are scattered nightmares not even her new front crown, nor I, could repair or replace.
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When I think of forgiveness, I think of time, and when I think of time, I think of process. When we are suffering at the hands of another’s ignorance, we “pray” for a future that no longer contains the past, the memory of pain. In time, we might be released from the physical and mental presence of psychological torture, but the mental suffering will persevere without forgiveness to repair and replace our woundedness. But, what exactly is forgiveness?
As I just mentioned, forgiveness is not a thing, nor simple; it is a complex process of healing, not through forgetting, but through remembering. Remembering takes place on two levels: the level of psychological reconstruction and the level of spiritual recognition. In psychological reconstruction, we return in imagination to the place and time of origination, where the misattunements and relational ruptures interfered with the natural process of growth and development. This returning allows us, with the guidance of a teacher, to sort out and make sense of how development was derailed, how and why we came to suffer.
In spiritual recognition, forgiveness allows us to remember our “original face,” to awaken to our Buddha nature, which is defined as the luminous, “unstained” mind free of suffering. Another way of looking at this remembering is returning to, as Nisargadatta would say, “pure awareness, pure witnessing, unaffected by the presence or absence of knowledge or liking.”
And so, what makes forgiveness complex is the wisdom it requires to find true peace in the letting go of attachment to and identification with the negative afflictive emotions cohering the memories of early corrosive experiences. Complexity is the time and learning required to unlayer and sift through the psyche in order to achieve the deep understanding that we can equate with forgiveness. We don’t often see forgiveness as a cognition but it is, because the compassion that let’s go through acceptance and release of anger and shame is guided by the wisdom of understanding the nature of self, relationship and development. The thoroughness of this ultimate forgiveness is true forgiveness.
Submitted by Caterina on Thu, 01/08/2009 - 2:35am.
I am grateful for this contemplation on forgiveness because it is something I've been thinking about a lot lately, in particular the need to forgive myself.
But that's another story.
I like that as we contemplate forgiveness we first recognize the need for time and for process, as well as for an awareness that we would like to free ourselves from the afflictive emotions/mental forms that cause suffering and dim, in some ever present way, our ability to love fully, be fully and truly who we are.
Forgiveness we do for ourselves.
And we need to really know we are doing it for ourselves so that our efforts towards forgiveness are not dependent upon another person's action or reaction to our choice. That is, I am not "forgiving my father" on the condition that he "get it."
Forgiveness is compassionate memory, that is, it's not looking at memory through rose colored glasses but being willing to recognize that what "happened" was not ultimately done knowingly, in knowledge of the suffering that was being caused. Even if there was the intention to cause suffering, true awareness of what that means is not available to the person. And they are unconsciously doling out what they know, they (like we) are reaching out into the darkness, struggling with feelings and forms we do not know from whence or wherefore, frightened by our own shadows, creating them as we go trying to control a universe that looks scarier because we project our demons and rage "out there" and we all blindly go, some more some less capable of valuing themselves and another because they have received that ability through relationship at some time.
But even still, very simply, i think, we do not know what it means to create suffering truly. We cannot know. I don't know who said it, but that it is against one's nature to cause harm to oneself, and we are all connected and when I cause harm to another I am actually harming myself and so I must not know it... who said that? ... Anyway... I know who said, "Forgive them... for they know not what they do." Same idea.
I think of a friend who has been pretty severely psychically damaged and I wonder how he could ever learn to forgive... what that would mean for him to step into that process. He would have to first start by recognizing that he is suffering, that he is angry. It's a long way - and a blessed one - to get to forgiveness. We do what we can from where we are. It may be too much for my friend to "forgive" right now, however, whenever he turns towards cultivating more awareness he is ultimately on that path.
We all are, no?
ps. Rest of this was long very long about process of forgiving my dad. I have to edit and post separately, but not tonight. too late!
pps. There is so much more to say about forgiveness and it's relationship with judgment/blame, attachment (letting go of), recognizing the artistry of your own life (what's made you you includes our suffering)... etc
I have been struggling with this post about forgiveness. I have so many lofty ideas floating around in my head, but they seem to be something that I plucked from the air and not something that has grown from inside me. It requires so much energy to locate the place of honesty. Lately, I have been twirling around it, not wanting to turn on the light and look in the mirror.
It is easy to write about the big things. Like forgiveness with a big F. About a year ago, I wrote about how I felt when I finally saw the man who murdered my aunt and realized that I harbored no hatred. I saw so clearly how his life was over just as my aunt’s was – and his life had not even begun before it was wasted. I did not mean for that to seem, “noble,” for it wasn’t. In many ways dealing with something so large, was easier than facing some of the small things. It was obvious that hating this man would turn me into a hating machine.
It is the small situations, the ones that seem so trivial, that strike the minor note of hurt or vulnerability and have a way of building into a full-blown marching band in my head. These situations challenge me to admit to the small hurts, to admit that emotions that I thought or hoped I had dealt with remain unfinished or so easy to re-stimulate. It puts me face to face with my own “smallness of thinking,’ my stick out the tongue, “I hate you,” I will never get over it,” kind of thinking. And I hate this.
I am still angry with my neighbors about something that happened years ago. They are not neighbors any longer, but we still see each other; our lives intersect and they have no idea that I am harboring resentment. I am embarrassed to admit this. They did not invite me to a party. Other neighbors (and friends) were invited to their front porch ( they lived next door at the time) for a barbeque. It was awkward when I came outside (not realizing what was going on) and equally uncomfortable for some of their guests. We did not know whether to say hello or ignore each other. I tried to slip back inside quickly but one of the children asked me to play. I was then, invited over for a drink, which I declined. I went inside. I felt lonely, rejected, and worthless. I hated them. Mostly I hated myself for feeling so vulnerable.
I justified their reasons: everyone there had small children and mine were grown. Nonetheless, the rejection, for whatever reason, stung deeply. My feelings grew from anger into a quiet coolness and transformed me in relation to them – into someone, I don’t like very much. I harbor resentment that prevents me from seeing them just as people – decent people, who like me, do things that can hurt other people.
My anger keeps me from feeling completely honest, alive, and at peace.. It keeps me from letting go and it keeps ancient feelings alive. Why do I do this to myself? Because. In order to let go, I have to face myself. I have to face my hurt feelings. I have to go back to the source of the pain, feel it, and see it for what it is and where it originally came from.
Forgiving is the only way to stop the endless cycle of pain that I cause myself. It does not come because I will it. It does not come because I decide: now I forgive. It is a necessity in order to live with clarity. It is commitment to a life of discovery. It requires that I deal with myself honestly and maintain a vision of openness and compassion towards myself that I can then extend outward.
I’ve been sitting with these posts on forgiveness for a few days now reading them over and over and wondering where to start on this discussion. Forgiveness for me always seemed so far away; so huge and daunting. It was something that I thought I could only be achieved with the participation of my parents. With their willingness to recognize wrongdoing, understand the impact and openly feeling regret and asking of forgiveness. Although I understand now that is not going to happen or necessary to free myself from the anger and pain that I remember and still experience. I’m still not sure how to move any further along in the process of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is the ultimate practice of letting go, it is for me the hardest part of the therapeutic process and yet cognitively I know the process, awareness and letting go will yield the biggest reward. That the compassion to forgive and free both my psychological and physical self is one of the greatest gifts I can give myself.
Om, in your post you say, ‘we “pray” for a future that no longer contains the past, the memory of pain. In time, we might be released from the physical and mental presence of psychological torture, but the mental suffering will persevere without forgiveness to repair and replace our woundedness.‘
This statement resonates deep with me, even though I have moved past being afraid every night (the unfounded fear that someone was in my house when I was sleeping or waking to violent dreams) I will still sometimes find myself jumping out of fear on the subway. It can be as simple as catching out of the side of my eye someone who I didn’t know was right behind me gets caught in my sight. Just a slight glimpse before I even know what has happened, my cells and nervous system they remember the memory of pain, they still carry the fear before I am even cognitively aware of it and I jump, and for a moment I find myself once again a young girl not standing on the subway on her way to work but locked in her room frightened and praying for the day that she would be far, far away from danger and pain.
Caterina, I also like the idea that forgiveness is a process that starts with cognition- the understanding of the awareness necessary to participate and release afflictions associated with the memory of pain to forgive through the psychological and spiritual process of forgiveness. Which brings us directly to Om’s last paragraph and how he so eloquently says, “And so, What makes forgiveness complex is the wisdom it requires to find true peace in the letting go of attachment to and identification with the negative afflictive emotions cohering the memories of early corrosive experiences. “ Which I believe ties directly into why it is so difficult to let go and forgive and some of the points Emily makes in her post.
First off, by not forgiving someone like my father for the damage he has done and the disadvantages that damage has created in my life I can continue to hold onto and identify with the negative emotions and memories associated with who I was and in some ways still am. At some level there is fear that letting go of those emotions and memories will leave me with nothing to identify myself with. (I’m not sure I can articulate this more clearly just yet). And maybe the process of forgiveness goes from understanding you are not responsible for your psychology -to accepting responsibility to repair your psychology, through awareness and compassion and thus letting go of the afflictions that created your psychology in the first place. And the fear that keeps you tied to the identification and unable to let go and forgive is the fear of having faith that beneath the memories and before the afflictions you were a true and pure being - goodness.
My second point, and I hope I can make this connection cause I am still figuring it out as I type is that the small and insistent afflictions (that Emily you mention in your post) sometimes seem stronger in effect and affect our lives more deeply on a day to day basis because by nature they are not a huge affliction they are memories of the original affliction(s). They are symptoms of misatunements suffered from our childhood- fear, shame, guilt and feelings of abandonment all of these emotions are tied up in experiences that are difficult to forgive. Just like my jumpy nerves experiences like the one you share with your neighbors party are unconscious reactions to memories of afflictions, a symptom of the residual pain that need to be released and let go. By holding onto them and even by judging their existence we continue to suffer and we remain separated from our “original face”. I can give you at least ten examples of similar experiences that I am still holding onto, but after reading these three posts together tonight I am wondering am I holding on to all these little pieces of anger and experiences because they are so important and horrific or am I just letting them jump on the train that my father created?
Emily, I’m not sure I was clear in my previous post or I even have the right way to connect the bridge between your post and Om’s statement. As I said I also have experienced situations that were surprising, awkward and hurtful as when you stepped outside to see your neighbor’s bbq. I’m sure I have caused pain to others either intentionally or not and I’m sure they harbor hatred to the same degree as I do towards them and others for our actions. What your sharing made me think about was –why. Why do these experiences hold us hostage to our anger? Why do we allow them? Why is it so difficult to let go and forgive? Why is it that the experiences that we can almost rationalize and understand the reason for being left out and thus hurt (the party being for families with younger children) can we not see beyond the cognition of rationalization to forgiveness? I think it is all tied to the identification. We identify with the suffering and that identification carries a good deal of pain.
Interestingly enough I instantly think of meditation - Through meditation we are learning to loosen the stronghold of our identify – the ego that has created meaning and certain aspects of personality through identification of emotions created through experience begins to fade and lose its stronghold as our sole identity and this pure self – the one that I am slowly getting a glimpse of emerges; free of suffering. I only wish forgiveness could be as simple as sitting.
To forgive is not just a letting go but also a giving up. I guess we can argue that they mean the same thing, but they don’t. Letting go addresses the affective, while giving up refers to beliefs and is thus cognitively or wisdom based. In the silence of meditation, we can feel ourselves letting go of our grasping and craving; and in the contemplative aspect of one-pointed meditation, we can experience the ill-logic of our beliefs regarding reality as they pertain to self and relationship, body and mind.
But, here’s the most important understanding as it relates to forgiveness. Forgiveness is a by-product of understanding and cultivated compassion; it is not something we focus on in and of itself. We can’t make ourselves forgive, that’s preposterous. It would be like making yourself like someone you don’t. you can alter your behavior toward that person, but it would be dishonest to think you could make yourself like him. We can say, I need to forgive my parents or, I need to forgive myself; but that merely serves as an intention. To truly forgive, we must truly change the way we think and cultivate the deeper awareness that results in the dis-identification with (literally) everything we believe is real. We can’t say, for example, all those things are not real, but my child is real; my wife is real; my pain is real. This is an example of the almighty BUT. Oh yes, I understand what you are saying that this is dream and That is Real, BUT…. There are no buts in the real, only the but-less (sorry guys :) the problem, once again, is most people mistake existence for the real. Existence is everything we experience through our 5-sensory system: conventional reality, the world we live in. In the film we saw last night, `Synecdoche,’ the narrative began in this world, in Schenectady, New York, a place that actually exists. But, then this world, the world we all know, became dismantled, split off and multiplied like cell division upon conception. The narrative transfigured into what I called an anti-narrative, an ostensible chaotic swirl of unraveling associations following the protagonist’s mind (thought processes). What we, the audience, witnessed was a landfill of garbage in the guise of doppelgängers and a whole host of props representing the protagonist’s precoccupations (obsessions). None of this was real, nor did it not exist, and that’s the point. It was the utter failure of the protagonist to master his own thought process that left him completely inward but not inner. It was what I described in an earlier post as:
“All this from psychological splitting and failed or denied recognition. The denial of recognition of other (female) leaves, as the philosopher Benjamin asserts, “the omnipotent self imprisoned in his mind, reflecting on the world from behind a wall of glass.” The French philosopher, Marcuse, adds, the ideal individual is “created by an act of abstraction, which denies his real dependency and social subordination. Consequently, his freedom consists of protection from the control or intrusion of others. It is a negative freedom as release from bondage, individuality stripped bare of its relationship with and need for others.””
This so perfectly describes the psychological portrait of the protagonist: “reflecting on the world from behind a wall of glass.” But, this is, to a large degree, all of our worlds because we are so utterly attached to our minds and what seeps out of them.
And so, the key to forgiveness is the same key to freedom from suffering: to realize (understand) that the world we are constantly experiencing, finding and creating, moment to moment, exists, but is not real. And this includes the box we live in called spacetime. The peace and joy engendered in this awareness is forgiveness. Through this deep understanding, we prepositionally and then truly modify the attribution of giveness by letting go of the identity and attachment it engenders. I am no longer angry with you because the you I have been attached to isn’t real; nor is the I that is angered because it wasn’t given to. Yes, you once existed and might still exist, but the power you once had over me no longer exists, because the memories of pain that my fear is dependent on, and which I associate my anger with, aren’t real, either. But, I have a voice and what it points to IS real, and no one can ever take it away. In my subjectivity, I am strong and clear and wise, compassionate, open and discerning, and always self-affirming, as I spend the moments of my day, every day, sitting in my sand box and drawing lines in the sand between what is dream and what is real.
I wanted to add to my post. I can relate to feeling omnipotent reflecting from behind a wall of glass, however my glass wall is a two way mirror. I see the outside world and reflect on it from a safe vantage point, but ironically it is this very safety which renders me powerless because no one sees me. I am invalidated through my dependence on myself to seek the happiness that would validate me. The good news is that at least I am aware of it.
Dependently, nice posts. Thank you. You’ve made two excellent points, one in a statement, the other in your question: “if the memories of pain exist in my mind, how are they not real, at least to me?”
Regarding your question, the problem is that your memories, and the mind from which those memories arise, are real to you. In other words, if they cause you pain it means that you experience memories as real events, as opposed to impermanent images without independent existence. Of course they exist because you experience them. But, you (and all of us) treat these mental events (and the emotions that bind them like glue) as if they are real, independent, permanent entities that reflect who you are (rather than merely what arises in the mind at this particular moment for a brief duration). And so, the suffering is the belief that the memory and associated feelings are your identity. For example, I am my anger; I am my depression; I am my fantasies; I am my aging body; I am my forgetfulness; I am my isolation, etc. Though mind experiences these things, like clouds overhead passing, the experiences come and go. They feel as if they are permanent at the time we experience them, but they’re not. They are impermanent. And, what is impermanent cannot be real.
Now, this truth, in and of itself, means nothing. However, if you really take it on and begin to understand it, the suffering you experience everyday will diminish; and that’s the point. Which leads to your statement: “I see the outside world and reflect on it from a safe vantage point, but ironically it is this very safety which renders me powerless because no one sees me…. The good news is that at least I am aware of it.”
This is not only good, but the best news. Awareness leads to understanding and understanding leads to freedom from suffering. The isolation from behind the “glass wall” you describe is one’s battle with relationship and the recognition it potentially provides to heal old wounds and stimulate growth, the way a plant’s interaction with the sun and rain stimulates its growth. The sun and rain nourish the plant vis-à-vis complex life giving processes. In the same way, intimate relationships also nourish human beings; however, the process is even more complex than the plant because of the human beings psychological need system, which includes communication. For example, I can’t nourish you unless you are open and willing to be nourished and until you take responsibility for your own nourishment. This is both the frustration and beauty of psychological and spiritual development in the context of human relationships. We all want to be touched but are terrified of it, don’t know how to ask for it or receive it, and resist it out of fear. We also often don’t know what or who to ask for and have difficulty finding others we can trust. These are painful aspects of seeking the nourishment relationships potentially provide.
The beautiful thing about yoga is that it’s non-denominational and non –“dominational.” Yoga does not belong to any one side or sect and so embraces the universal bodymind of being. Similarly, it takes mind’s tendency to crave, grasp and possess and kneads it back into its soft open center. The heart is the center of gravity, body says to mind, and so we must learn to feel thinking. The language-centric of the dialogical therapeutic encounter is a beautiful yoga in its own way; it also softens the mind’s rigid need to name: to categorize, analyze, break-down, de-center. But, due to historical reasons, it tends to leave the body behind, as if irrelevant to the therapeutic aim of psychological health. But, healing means to make whole and wholeness is inclusive: it is neither body or mind or body and mind, it is bodymind.
Without body, mind is not only lost, it is non-existent; it has no meaning. When we speak of consciousness, we always mean conscious of something, some thing. In this way consciousness is thought-like and thing-like; it is bodymind. The body penetrates into the very heart of the human subject, as subjectivity literally penetrates into the very heart of the body. That is why, if we ignore the body, the body gets sick; it suffers from the same isolation the mind suffers from without relationship. The brilliance of yoga is that it is the language of the deep body seeking alignment, the interpenetrating aspect of bodymind, and the space where emotion and thought meet. As we mindfully position ourselves (asana) in space, something magical happens: the feeling aspect of emotion sets in motion the feeling of well-being, bodymind’s natural state before the psyche was relationally ruptured. And breath is vital to this process as it is the luminous stream of intention over time healing afflictive, inmbalanced, stagnated or tired parts of bodymind’s present dis-eased state.
Most important, what yoga, in its tutelage, informs the (psychological) mind aspect of consciousness, is that healing (and, indeed, growth) does not occur independent of embodiment; mind must make itself aware of the body’s primary role in communicating health and wholeness essentially through body’s most intimate spaces. And these spaces, by the way, are not, paradoxically, thing-like or even “space”-like, but rather process-like: activities of neurobiological consciousness symphonizing bodymind’s movement in the great Shivaic dance of spiritual praxis. Is this not the most beautiful mirroring mind can reflect?
Om, thank you for your meditation on yoga’s contribution to the healing process of therapy. While sitting with your words (as I, admittedly, don’t do enough), I found myself thinking about meaning, that is, the notion of meaning relative to subjective experience. We might not at first associate yoga with meaning, at least not in the same way psychoanalytic therapy might be associated with meaning. When we speak of meaning, we almost always mean something linguistic, something rooted in spoken or textual language. But, from your perspective, meaning seems to take on a different direction. Let me see if I can articulate what I mean. Please correct any misreading.
In both psychoanalytic therapy and yoga there is an openness to the world. In fact, openness to self and world cannot be separated in the same way body and mind cannot be separated. Thus, meaning suggests that the world – either one’s subjectivity or the world surround – is constantly appearing, not so much before us, but from within the openness we are, and necessarily because of this openness. Of course, I think of dependent origination’s emptiness and form: meaning is always the dance of world or body and consciousness. Meaning is always body because mind is always open to it; and meaning is always mind because the world is only unveiled from the awareness we are. One way to describe this meaning is seeing mind as a question and the body as a response. If we embrace body and ask it to help align our being, it will respond accordingly; if we fail to ask in the form of a misattunement, it will most certainly fail to respond and the result will be dis-ease, the loss of alignment.
Similarly, mind requires alignment as well, and body in fact serves as a guide for mind’s interior search for the analogue of body’s alignment, psychological integration of thought and feeling. But, how can that be? How can body guide mind? The body, through a yogic process, requires the mastery of mental factors and, as such, can be seen as a deeply mental process. These factors include feeling, recognition, intention, concentration and attention, aspiration, appreciation, intelligence, confidence, faith and trust, respect, suppleness, and equanimity. The understanding of mind, the essential goal of therapy, and managing one’s emotions to foster deeper reflection, both require the mastery of mental factors. And so, the openness that meaning is, and the meaning that we are, requires a kind of discipline that both therapy and yoga can co-foster, if you will. Aside from that, the discipline itself reflects a self-care that, through openness leads bodymind to open the two wings of wisdom (understanding) and compassion for all beings.
James, I have also seen Synecdoche, New York and find your critique (or commentary) on the film most accurate. In fact, there is not too much to add and, of course, there’s much to add to both elaborate and expand on your experience of the film. I do think it’s an oversight to not comment on the title, which I find brilliantly appropriate for the film. Firstly, `Synecdoche’ as a malapropismic device (used throughout the film) -- which ultimately betrays the function of a malapropism -- perfectly engages the writer’s linguistic manipulation of language and the reality it both represents and constructs. `Synecdoche, New York’ is a malapropism for Schenectady, New York. But, then again, it’s not, because synecdoche is a figure of speech which denotes a part being used to refer to the whole thing. For example, synecdoche is a common way to emphasize an important aspect of a fictional character (such as a body part) to represent the character. Synecdoche is from the Greek sinekdohi (συνεκδοχή), which means “simultaneous understanding.” Simultaneous understanding is the key to understanding the film, because the simultaneity of multiple parallel realities, all of which ultimately reflect no true reality, is what generates the infinite regress of appearances we call life.
With that said, let me provide an interesting perspective from which to make sense of `Synecdoche’s’ meanings. First of all, I think the only way to understand this film is philosophically, because the philosophical is what attempts to explain reality. One domain of philosophy, in particular, phenomenology, is a great perspectival lens for this film as it explores human consciousness’ relationship to the external world (what we call conventional reality) and the meaning of psychological experience relative to the constructions that represent reality for both the individual and collective humanity. In fact, we might say that `Synecdoche’ is a cinematic treatise on phenomenology.
The film begins, like most films, with a concrete reality of a family and then unfolds through a mirror of mind to reveal layer upon layer of associations and mental constructions in a vast web of one man’s individual consciousness. What we, the audience, actually see are projections of a mind spontaneously spilling out vis-à-vis arrays of overdetrmined meanings. The images, of course, are visual because visual consciousness is the form cinema takes to express meaning. These are the concrete reifications of mind’s projections ordered in such a way as to construct what we believe to be real. And this is the point: we the audience are perpetually confused because the images we experience do not fit into a conventional order we believe to be reality. And it’s this confusion that is the film’s brilliant. I did not say chaos, I said confusion. Chaos would refute the coherent logical structure the film conveys. No, it is not a conventional logical structure, but that’s the point. It is a structure that is likely more true for a psychoanalytic therapy session that emphasizes free association as its method or dream consciousness which, as Freud has brilliantly demonstrated, does have its own logic.
I’ve put together some of the phrases and sentences from your post that I would most like to focus on:
but never knows what you mean,
but not knowing you well enough
It's how we don't actually know the lengths to which we go in order to keep from just looking inward.
but have we been paying enough attention to hear the voice pushing us from one painful moment to the next anymore?
It's not the line that's being undermined, it's the so-called reality to which we attributed it. And anyway, it's not the reality that's being undermined, it's just our shallow attempt to make real what is merely existent. But it is not merely existent -- it is existent!
But "knowing that you don't know is the most essential step to knowing, you know?"
All of these excerpts have one thing in common: they drive at the epistemological center of human knowing, what and how we know and the motivations and meanings of that knowing. The motivational aspect is most important because it ties individual consciousness to relationship, and its relationship that actually creates meaning, both in the concrete terms of having intimate relationships and in the existential attempt to heal the split between individual consciousness and the ultimate reality of interconnectedness (the split resulting in isolation, the linchpin of suffering).
What it comes down to in this film is overcoming what this following statement concludes about the films message: “there is no resolution” (which I understand is not your conclusion), specifically, resolving the existential suffering of death and the psychological suffering of life. But, as you have most clearly pointed out, there is a resolution: awareness. That is, cultivating awareness, first and foremost, self-awareness (“the most essential step”); and then awareness itself. The complete and total narcissistic self-absorption the film indulgently (intentionally!) portrays can only be resolved through awareness. How else can we realize the reality we commit to is nothing but a “shallow attempt to make real what is merely existent. But it is not merely existent -- it is existent!” And existent is not real! That is, it is empty of independent, permanent existence. So stop craving and grasping at it; stop identifying with it; stop attaching yourself to it; and absolutely, stop attaching to your self! Really, it is only this awareness that will make any sense out of the film and, in the process, shake all sense out of you, in a sense.
hey guys. sorry i've been away. i'm finally (pretty much) caught back up on this blog of ours. i'm glad to see Emily back on the blog, and whoa—Hey Caterina! haven't seen you here in a long while. great posts, gals, and you too Megan, as always. also thanks to Om and Dependently... y'all always offer much grist for the mill, and many beautiful reflections and challenges... i hope this discussion on forgiveness goes on for some time, it is a fruitful topic.
without speaking directly about forgiveness just yet, i’ve learned a new lesson this weekend. i know i’ve begun to learn this lesson because i’ve been laughing all weekend. i’ve been laughing pretty consistently for the last few weeks, actually. not that i’ve been blissed out or delirious or anything of that nature. i’ve felt sad, and anxious, and felt many other feelings, too. and also laughter. i wrote a post a long while ago on laughter – and, of course, i laugh In God's Name - i had been laughing a lot then, too. always a good sign for me.
i learned that i don’t have to wait for anyone else to begin healing. of course, i’ve been healing for a long while, now, and have been faring well with my teacher, my friends, and my books. i’ve known all along, in a way, that the work is all mine and mine alone. i get challenges and guidance and support and more than anything else practice(!!), but even so, at the end of the day, the work is mine: if i don’t do the work, no one can do it for me; if i do the work, no one can stop me, and no one can help but help me :)
yet, i’ve been waiting a little impatiently. though i’ve “known” that i don’t need, let’s say, a lover in order to do the work, i’ve felt i needed someone to get any deeper… i felt that without someone i was stuck, i had hit a wall. whenever i was with someone i found it to be very ripe practice yet, usually, not much more. great practice, though, really. so i moaned and groaned and fantasized to bide the time until maybe i’d learn to see those with whom i can share this deep connection that i need. and then, i thought, then i’ll be able to get deeper.
i do need deep connection. it’s a need of mine, and one that i have a difficult time meeting still, even with others around. but what happened this weekend was quite striking, in its way. i was disappointed. it’s nothing new, i’ve felt disappointed many times before. yet this time i’m not so attached. letting go isn’t difficult, and unless i’m missing something, there’s no anger. i just don’t need it. sure i’m disappointed, and a little sad. but still i’m happy, for i feel my health.
relationship becomes easier, even though i demand more from myself in each of my relationships. there’s no need to hold grudges, or to hold back, or to feel ashamed. i hold myself responsible, and i also hold my friend responsible. it’s pretty simple, really, and mostly it leads me to laughter. so: you tell me—is this a post about forgiveness?
James, while reading your post I was thinking about `Dependently’s’ statement: “I see the outside world and reflect on it from a safe vantage point, but ironically it is this very safety which renders me powerless because no one sees me.” (italics mine). What we can distill from your two posts is: paradox. That , “at the end of the day, the work is mine: if i don’t do the work, no one can do it for me; if i do the work, no one can stop me, and no one can help but help me.” And, simultaneously, “i do need deep connection. it’s a need of mine…”. Both of these statements are equally true and never independent of one another. Autonomy, individuality, self-authorship and self-assertion are seminal developmental values but are situated within a fundamental need for dependency, recognition, community, and compassion. This is true across all domains of being. For example, in one of my recent posts, regarding language (and the reality it constructs), this paradox of self and relationship is formulated as:
“Language is empty and language performs. Emptiness itself is form; form itself is emptiness. Both are intersubjective: one thoughtlike, one thinglike.” In conveying the Buddhist notion of paradox underlying the Buddhist principle of no self, Robert Langan speaks of the “crossover dimension” of interconnectedness that is needed to sense our separateness….“where there is no one, there is no other one, so all is no other than one.”
This morning one of my friends was sitting with me. He’s a long-term meditator and has suffered from depression. Meditation has given him a vast open space from which to challenge his perception of reality but for some reason not his depression. Recently he chose to try medication and an interesting thing happened. His depression lifted but his affect felt somewhat flat. He said he hasn’t been meditating as much. I told him that his depression concerned me but his flattened affect frightened me. Which led to a general discussion about therapy itself. I shared that if therapy doesn’t transform one’s experience, it’s not therapeutic. I said, Between you and me, I don’t give a rat’s ass about symptom reduction. Not if it doesn’t lead to deepening one’s awareness to the point of transformation. Transformation is changing one’s fundamental perception of reality and thus changing one’s relationship to reality. This is not an intellectual awareness, because awareness is not intellectual. I asked my friend to play a scenario out with me. I said, You have just Realized and are now enlightened. How do you know you are enlightened? He said, I have had direct experience. I responded, Yes, but what does that mean? I continued, It means that you feel it. but, it’s not feeling in the bodily sense, or even in the psychological sense, though those are included, too. It’s a feeling that is not a feeling about anything and, further, it’s not separate from knowing.This is what is meant by omniscient.
But it, this pure awareness, this nondual knowing, begins in psychological awareness, what we call self-awareness. So, when you say you feel “flat,” you can see how that frightens me. Listen, I’m happy if you aren’t depressed, but you’re not here only to relieve your depression. And I don’t mean here in this room. I know you love your children and wife and professional community, but if you aren’t breaking through this limited reality, you’re wasting time.
After my friend left, I sat a moment feeling an unimaginable gratitude. This awareness is the mechanism of transformation, and transformation is what therapy must strive for. Psychological change is part and parcel of this transformation but transformation is the spiritual imperative of therapeutic process. Often these two ontologies (the psychological and spiritual) cannot be distinguished. When a friend says he is no longer angry with his father (and means it!), he is making a psychological statement of change; but, he is making a subtle spiritual shift because in order to dissolve one’s anger, the self that identifies with anger and is attached to the belief in the reality of father/son and parent/child and the psychological historicity of those roles, has to dissolve. It takes a mature self to dismantle its own identity of selfhood and its multifarious forms.
This is what Camila means when she says, “But dad and I will never share a give-and-take the way I always imagined or dreamed of. Now it's up to me to decide what I want from this relationship at the end of his life--whether it be for 2 more months or 20 years.” And the general statement Camila makes related to the necessity of change for the psychological to realize its spiritual potential:
“I just see such aliveness in all of you as you contemplate and uncover truths about yourselves in relationship to these people and what they represent for you, or even what death means to you. Even you, Nico, seem to be experiencing a death with your parents. The death of the old relationship which is no longer acceptable, tenable or really existent anymore for you. You have changed, and therefore IT will change. there's no choice anymore.”
You see, these are not merely psychological truths, they are spiritual truths in that they engender a transformed perception of reality: from the belief of inherent existence to the awareness of emptiness, that is, the understanding that there is no independent, permanent self, or a world of separate objects that constitutes it. Or, as the Zen master, Dōgen, says, “I came to realize clearly that mind is no other than mountains, rivers, and the great wide earth, the sun and the moon and the stars.”
The most humbling aspect of my friendships is their resistance to change, not because it reflects a flaw or something wrong, but rather because it reflects my own imperfection lighted from a perfect gaze. The difference now is that I have learned one of the most important tasks of spiritual practice: waiting. The Buddhist teacher Donald Rothberg tells a story of Gandhi in the winter of 1929-1930 at the height of tensions between Hindus and Muslims and the British imperialists. When asked what path his followers should follow, Gandhi replied, “I do not see any light coming out of the surrounding darkness…. There is lots of violence in the air.” What Gandhi proceeded to do is what we often hear about all spiritual masters in crisis: he waits. Gandhi withdraws from contact and prays and meditates. He tells his fellow ashram members, “I’m just waiting. I’m waiting for the call. I know that I will hear the inner voice.”
I see this waiting as more than just a seminal beginning crystallization of realization. I experience this moment everyday in small ways as my friends struggle with the “surrounding darkness” of emotional afflictions that prevent change. But, I’m not separate from that darkness, and that is key. My waiting is their waiting, through the language of questioning, in the manner of questioning we call openness, in the intimacy of questioning, and through the final surrender of questioning we call understanding. It is an “inner voice” we both simultaneously hear and share and which translates into action. The action of change.
Submitted by nico lime (not verified) on Mon, 02/02/2009 - 12:07pm.
om, if, as you quote, "mind is no other than mountains, rivers, and the great wide earth, the sun and the moon and the stars," then what change are we supposed to wait for?
Is it waiting for a different perception? New thoughts that replace the memories of affliction? If so, I notice in myself, my afflictions are only repetitions of things in the past, a collection of experiences and memories, which I recognize as my self.
Nico, you always ask the most penetrating and relevant questions which reflects a very deep reading. I very much appreciate the intention you put into my words.
“om, if, as you quote, "mind is no other than mountains, rivers, and the great wide earth, the sun and the moon and the stars," then what change are we supposed to wait for?”
Let me address this from two ontologies, the spiritual and psychological, respectively. There is a wonderful Chinese saying: when you change, the world changes with you. This phenomenological and ultimately spiritual truth reflects the movement towards a nondual understanding of reality. We can understand nondualism from three senses: 1) the negation of dualistic thinking, which means to critique our ordinary (dualistic) thinking which differentiates categories of thought into binaries (oppositions); 2) nonplurality of reality, which critiques the tendency of dualistic thinking to see the world as a collection of discrete parts; and 3) the inseparability of subject and object, which critiques the distinction between subject and object.
When we change (our perceptions of reality), the world necessarily changes because reality is based on how we perceive, interpret and determine it. But, this aphorism leaves out the last step or sense of nondualism, which is that self and object are not inherently existent. That is, there is ultimately no self to change! There does seem to be a difference between Advaita Vedanta and Buddhism, but I think the difference is only conceptually apparent. In Advaita, the subject and object are one (tat tvam asi – that thou art), as if the subject is “scooped up” in Brahman, where (Mahayana) Buddhism says there is no subject at all.
In this sense, Nico, what we wait for is the realization of nondual reality (or, more specifically, the union of emptiness and cognizance), which refutes the idea of discrete reality as delusional, or what is called ignorance. Ignorance, the failure to understand the ultimate nature of reality, which is empty of inherent existence, is the cause of suffering.
Psychologically speaking, is, as you say, change “waiting for a different perception? New thoughts that replace the memories of affliction? If so, I notice in myself, my afflictions are only repetitions of things in the past, a collection of experiences and memories, which I recognize as my self.”
I would say yes to both a “different perception” and “new thoughts.” And the different perception refers to the perception of the reality of self and relationships which make up our world. We begin with how we are conditioned to certain beliefs based on how we were taught in early childhood by our parents, which are dependent upon the larger collective cultural conditioning. And through a deep interrogative (shall we say, therapeutic?) process of unlearning, we learn anew how to critique these conditioned models of reality which have likely, not only distorted our perceptions of self and relationships (the psychological) but have necessarily distorted our understanding of the ultimate nature of reality (the spiritual). Importantly, we can alter our self and relational perceptions without cultivating and transforming our spiritual awareness, but we cannot spiritually transform without first altering our psychological perceptions.
And so, you can see the close relationship between psychological and spiritual realities (ontologies). Nico, I think you are correct to say that your afflictions reflect “repetitions” of old regurgitated thought products (thoughts and feelings), which ultimately result in your identification of self with those thought products (the collection of memories as experiences).
The dismantling of these thought products is what I call spiritual praxis, which is an inclusive act of integrating psychological process and spiritual practice, as well as, philosophical analysis (though therapy sadly usually ends with psychological process). A theoretical model that explains spiritual praxis as a "self-critical activity" I would call a philosophy of reflection.
Do you think you’ve changed since we’ve met? What a strange question. What in the world does it mean, to change? What am I asking, really? Clearly, I am speaking to the relationship, the intersubjective space of holding from where my friend and I come to know each other in a specific kind of way. Of course, I’m not referring to a physical space, though where we meet and spend time is important in that it has that holding quality, too. But, there’s that other space, the relational psychological and spiritual space that, through a mutual commitment, provides and gives the meaning that our relationship is. And it’s this “is” that germinates change. When we speak of change, we refer metaphorically to direction. My friend shared with me that something shifted in him as he left his father the other day, when he walked away. His father looked different, older and more frail. We both wondered if his father had actually physically changed, or had something changed in the way my friend was seeing, in his perception of the reality of his father? There was a sadness I felt when my friend shared this shift of perception. That told me something. His anger was giving way to an opening of sadness, the beginning glimpses of grief I would even say. But, could he stay with it, was my question?
The mystic Jacob Boheme Eckhart wrote, “As long as I am this or that, or have this or that, I am not all things and I have not all things.” What Eckhart likely was not thinking when he conveyed this nondual spiritual truth, was that “as long as I am this or that” is first and foremost the psychological perceptual affliction that inhibits change or, more specifically, growth. And the glue to this belief in “I am this” is emotion, in my friend’s case, a long-held anger towards his father. But, it is not the anger alone that prevents change; it is the identification with the anger,the leaning in and holding onto the other in such a way as to form a reified relational shape or pattern of deluded attachment in my friend’s perceptual reality. The anger appears to solidify a sense of self (“this or that”) -- and therefore other selves-- that feels (and thus appears) not only “real,” but real in this particularly constructed father/son way that feels diminishing, devaluing, shrinking, lacking and thus oppressive. There is little breath or animated force to inspire joy, active engagement and participation in the world.
But, as the anger gives way, as the direction of being changes, something “shifts,” as my friend says. The emotional letting go, as experienced as sadness, softens the perceptual experience as well. Psychologically, where there was little conscious awareness of a “you and me” as separate subjects having distinct experiences, there is now a recasting, and in a more malleable way, of the father/son relational reality. Of course, I am simplifying a very complex process but that is in fact what happens when we become more self aware.
We might say this cultivation of self-awareness has four aspects: 1) an identified repeated perceptual relational pattern that needs to change; 2) a needed relational vehicle of change (e.g., therapist); 3) a mastery of emotional awareness; and 4) time (process). Most importantly, my friend’s shifting perception is not primarily a function of symptom reduction, but rather the beginning of an authentic transformation of perceived reality itself. What determines whether this transformation will reach a true spiritual awareness is whether this shift becomes not merely a temporary relief but an enduring psychological understanding of the self’s relative reality. No doubt my friend’s commitment to our relationship reflects the intention and desire for positive change and growth, but where he will take his own deepening awareness is the mystery of his own karmic journey.
Submitted by Caterina on Tue, 02/03/2009 - 11:45am.
The Queen of Sheba Came to Solomon; That was in order to gain wisdom. When she had found him, indeed, His wonders streamed upon her so suddenly That she melted in contemplation. She gave him all, And the gift robbed her Of everything she had within -- In both heart and mind, Nothing remained: Everything was engulfed in love.
Caterina, thank you for sharing this exquisite poem by the 13th century Christian mystic, Hadewijch (not Dylan’s poet from the 13th century :) This is a poem about deep contemplation, deep prayer, deep meditation, and the impoverishment that leaves one filled with spirit.
His wonders streamed upon her so suddenly That she melted in contemplation. She gave him all, And the gift robbed her Of everything she had within -- In both heart and mind, Nothing remained: Everything was engulfed in love.
The deep intensity of feeling startling and terrorizing me in night’s darkness is nothing other than mind trying to shake off the last vestiges of a life filled with loss. Even thoughts and words shrink and freeze like a tree struck by a sudden ice storm, its leaves curled into themselves and enfolded over what little air is left over its pores. And all left is the frozen silence of the gaping hole of death over the indistinguishable night.
But the frozen silence thaws on the interminability of time’s wound. And time speaks to us in its mercy, shakes off like a wet sheet in the wind the stiff, frozen air of memory. Fear is the memory of pain, the memory of failure, loss and suffering. But the silence thaws and the memory dissolves, as time promised. And time will go, too, in an act of self-immolation to make room for re-birth, the movement through the canal of death. Freedom is waiting. Poverty waits there, too, and the simple emptiness it holds, like the yellow fragrance of a linden blossom free from form but filling the unlimited space. Poverty fills the senses in its abundant, intense mood, for freedom from form is the most one could possess. Poverty is plenitude.
Therefore I say to you, do not be anxious for your life, what you shall eat, nor yet for your body, what you shall put on ... But seek first the kingdom of God and his justice, and all these things shall be added to you. (Mt 6:25-33).
Here is the interior mood of poverty bending in humility in prayer toward the light. The kingdom of God is the emptiness of body and its attachment to the fear of death. Poverty is a surrender onto the sweet taste of death’s release, and the surrendering of God, too, for God is too much space. There is too much history in God.
For God, like space, will never release us into presence; presence must release itself, like a seed capsule bursting forth when it is time, unlinking itself from its mother fruit. No one likes to leave the mother; death seems less painful. But, God cannot replace freedom, freedom from the word. And God is the word, and the word must go, even the fragrance of linden.
We might not initially realize it, but Harrison’s I Me Mine is a song about nondual awareness, or rather, a critique of dualistic thinking as it plays out “all through the day… all through the night… coming on strong all the time.” In fact, this song speaks to the primary sense of dualistic thinking as “selfhood” (I Me Mine). The ‘I’ is Descartes error of mistaking cogito (I think) for cogitans (thinking); the `Me’ as the objectified ego; and the `Mine’ of craving and grasping that is dependent upon the belief in an independent, permanent self.
This great little song speaks to nondual aesthetics as it applies to content. Content refers to these lyrics, which point to the idea of nonduality rather than the direct experience of nonduality (which is really not experience as we think about it at all). Since causality is built into language, the “wonder” of nondualism is aesthetically found in the immediacy, the spontaneity, or nonintentionality of experience and is thus free from the subject/object split of conceptualization. Meditation is the most perfect example of this. In meditation, the conscious mind ceases to envisage “the possibilities of action.”
If we move through the lyrics and deeper into the music itself, something interesting happens: we can feel the counterpoint shifting between the noise of form and the emptiness of form. This is further supported by Harrison’s chanting quality which then breaks into the demanding and clingy grasping of self-centeredness.
There are many classical pieces that stir this “wonder” of nondual awareness, as well. Bach’s “Liebster Jesu, wir sind hier,” for example, reminds me of Eliot Deutsch’s (the author of Advaita Vedanta) comments on aesthetic experience as “not, I see the work of art, but by seeing, the `I’ is transformed. It is not that I enter into the work, but by entering the `I’ is altered in the intensity of a pristine immediacy.” In nondual aesthetic experience, it is not the where, when, and why we focus on but the what. Again, there is no enduring distinction between subject and object, nor man and nature. One of the most moving pieces for me is Francois Couperin-- Leçon de Ténèbres 3, For 2 Treble Voices & Continuo. As I once shared with James, there is something in the sopranic vibrato that goes so deep into the body as to pull out what the mind refuses or is unable to name. Of course, my association is totally French (Couperin/French Baroque) and feminine (French/Soprano). These `Lessons in the shadow of darkness' (literally at 3 AM) are intimate, introverted vocals, melismatic, and with that deep feminine vibrato whispering in a meditative soliloquy as if internalizing the text of silence, yet through song.
Whether we discuss nondual awareness in terms of aesthetic experience, ethics, or society, we are necessarily implicating lived values, or the the principles that guide human relationships. As we have just seen in nondual aesthetic experience (specifically, music), the first principle of an ethics guided by nondual experience is also the critique of the ontological reality of the self. The realization (understanding) of the non-inherent existence of self prevents the tendency to treat others as objects and thus to be manipulated or dominated. In Obama’s interview with Al-Arabiya, for example, he said, "I do think that it is impossible for us to think only in terms of the Palestinian-Israeli conflict and not think in terms of what's happening with Syria or Iran or Lebanon or Afghanistan and Pakistan. These things are interrelated." Obama’s statement was predicated on this deep understanding of interrelatedness and I’m certain influenced by his early studies of Gandhi. Further, nondual awareness (because that is what we are essentially talking about here) transposes moralism into understanding. Evil is no longer viewed as evil but ignorance, the failure to understand the ultimate nature of reality (and for the Indian traditions, the failure to see one’s true Self). In this awareness, it is insight over willfulness. As William Blake wrote, “If God is anything, he is understanding.” We would say as part of this awareness that delusion, the belief in dualistic categories (e.g., good/bad, pure/impure, right/wrong), must be eliminated. Nondual awareness is the spontaneity of goodness and the concern for others because self-centerederness is transformed into a centered selflessness. In nondual awareness, separateness and its degenerative form of isolation, both of which are the result of one’s sense of separateness from the world, organically evaporates into the vast infinite web of interconnectedness. Obama’s “My brother’s keeper” is closely related to nonduality.
When we talk about the nondualist perspective of society, we necessarily delineate the path of the human being interacting with and creating culture and world. But, now we describe this in terms of the subject-object dualism and its delusive means in creating social, political, and economic systems. An excellent example of this is global warming and how our failure to understanding humankind’s interconnectedness with all beings, including the environment and living planet as a whole. As the isolated individual alienates himself from not only the larger community of relationships but, indeed, even from his own awareness, the fractured world cultures similarly dissociate themselves from both their own embodiment, which is the planet earth, and the delicate atmosphere nourishing us with breath.
It has been argued that the origin of this psychological “split” can be found in the philosophical Platonic split “between the ever-changing, hence delusive senses and reason,” and the theological split found in Judeo/Christian dualism where spirit is anything “other” than this world. These philosophical/theological systems of thought massively undermined the development of models to manage our current ecological, economic, and social crises. How ironic, the paths we were sold to find God have backfired and instead resulted in a deluded celebration of ego, where
Om, as I read your post, I noticed an at least implicit pointer to “nondual action.” But, in reality, can there be such a thing as nondual action? Action by its very nature implies intention, which is the mental process of intending a result from an action. When you bifurcate action and result, you necessarily split subject and object. Object here refers to the objective of one’s actions. I am challenged on this point daily in terms of my work. In a simple example, my friends (the ballsy ones :) tell me that my intention for helping them is the reward of a nice fat paycheck. They’re not suggesting that I don’t care about them but that this monetary exchange devalues!!! any truly authentic or pure intention that an intimate relation would imply. Further, the monetary exchange necessarily separates out the two subjects and indeed even suggests a subject/object dynamic where the knower is bestowing knowledge on the object of knowledge. This doesn’t feel like nondual action to me.
Those clever folks. You could be right or you could be intimate, right? But, in this case, they are wrong and intimate. I open up my sleeve and pull out this precious little gem, called Chuang Tzu, and proceed to read:
“Ch’ing, the chief carpenter, was carving wood into a stand for hanging musical instruments. When finished, the work appeared to those who saw it as though of supernatural execution. And the prince of Lu asked him, saying, “What mystery is there in your art?”
“No mystery, Your Highness,” replied Ch’ing; “and yet there is something. When I am about to make such a stand, I guard against the diminution of my vitalk power. I first reduce my mind to absolute quiescence. Three days in this condition, and I become oblivious of any fame to be acquired. Seven days, and I become unconscious of my four limbs and my physical frame. Then, with no thought of the Court present in my mind, my skill becomes concentrated, and all disturbing elements from without are gone…. I bring my own natural capacity in relation with that of the wood.”
Now, this chief carpenter, like Dr. Wu, my chief carpenter, lives in this world and has to eat. He is paid for his services. He might even have a beer once in a while. But, this is not the point. As the carpenter enunciates, the point is one of awareness, nondual awareness. Each day, like everyone else, I enter into the worldspace of convention. But, I enter it through my meditation practice in an attempt to “reduce my mind to absolute quiescence” and find the skillful means to be present for and guide my friends. But, to be present from the perspective of nondual awareness means attempting to understand and recognize the ultimate reality that we are and to bring that awareness mostly in very subtle ways to my friends. Since I have not realized, my skills are limited and my awareness obscured by the same afflictive emotions that delude my friends. But, my intention is to realize the nonintentionality in my actions that ultimately are not mine, but rather are. The more pure the awareness, the closer my actions to nonduality. In the nondual, there is alignment between all aspects of human functioning, This might look like what Buddhism refers to as the Eightfold Path (Below).
And to add to your thoughts on nondual action (that is, that it is a by-product or more accurately, the manifested form of nondual awareness), as usual, there is a fascinating paradox here regarding time. I’m not sure if it was you or me, but one of us posted a while back on the idea of time. It’s worth it to revisit at this time.
In the nondual, we step out of time, so to speak, to understand its “unreality,” yet simultaneously (and paradoxically) hold time, as with all existence, as precious necessarily because it is not self-existent. This means that we cannot separate time from the self that experiences it. To do so is to “wrongly interpret” one’s experience of time. Nor does time “fly” or even stream with intentionality when we view it through a nondual vision. We neither have time nor are in time because there is no self (object of time) to contain or act within it.
Therefore, to phrase it properly, we must say that we, human beings, as existence en toto, as a series of appearances, are time. What throws us off is both how our minds usually work and how we use our spatial metaphors to reflect dualistic thinking. To (spatially) separate ourselves from time is to create a false dichotomy. So, in the nondual, we would say I am time and time is me (which is also true of space), which also means freedom from time; that is, freedom from the perceived self-existence of these two aspects of phenomena, time (mode) and self (substance).
As I said, it’s the way the mind usually works, usually thinks: in the linking of thoughts in a series (through time) but, as a result, misperceives the nature of this thought, as it is. The thought (or image) becomes linked with other thoughts as if on a conveyor belt of continuous time that exists “out there.” Meaning: it’s speciously happening in time. And if this thought is happening in time, as if time were a container (space), thoughts themselves would be what is called nontemporal, that is, self-existent. Now, most important, a thought, from a dualistic perspective, occurs in a self, which is the first experience of a reified (concrete/independent) object of time. This is where Descartes’ error is made, for example, when he spoke of a thinking `I’ and legitimized that `I’ as self-existing. And so, as the philosopher David Loy writes, “the “objectification” of time is also the “subjectification” of self, which thus appears only to discover itself in the anxious position of being a nontemporal [self-existing] entity inextricably “trapped” in time.”
If we replace thought with action, we are faced with the same dilemma: if action is viewed as self-existent, occurring in time, we will fail to understand (and thus perceive) action’s non-inherent nature, which is empty of independent existence (existing outside of the self that acts) and thus fail to appreciate its effects which, in the case of global warming, for example, could be catastrophic.
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MEDITATION ON A HAWK MEDITATING
There is not two or three but one hawk and that makes all the difference. One is that eternal moment in which we live, inseparate from reality, a reality cold in its stark sweep, like breath almost unheard, and time. Fourteen lines almost unbroken and a combination of metric stresses purposely reaching and missing and images and sounds quickly dropping and clashing between sense and meaning, sibilance and the verticality of word. This is the tension, the friction of reality against the silence of emptiness, almost heard. It is cold, but only the animistic will reveal the humanity outside its borders, in the snow’s reflection and forgetting, in the pausing and returning again and again to that which we fear, the stark memory of pain we wouldn’t even know if not for “what is not thought.”
if a tree stands in a forest, and no one is around to hear it...
but when is no one around? some one is always round. my my, how many rafts and canoes and cars and bikes and trails and paths i've traveled in and on, gawking up at turning and turning hawk, just one ignoring whatever falconer calls out in earshot. these words, "one hawk / has flown down," and yet, just "one hawk," already recalls for me an entire lifetime. the dots are connected so easily sometimes. then, and then, and then... all these hawks, all these supposed me's staring up in wonder, in awe. seven, thirteen, twenty-one, four, seventeen... and when i was quite young each hawk would join the rest of the critters and creatures who called out to me. "bombo" i called them, my imaginary friend always with me embodied in a squirrel, or a chipmunk, or a sparrow, or a hawk. "bombo! look, it's bombo!" when bombo chose a real impressive animal, like a bird of prey, i'd only whisper the name silently to myself, bombo. after a while i'd smile, suddenly finding the flight less fearsome -- yet just as wondrous -- since, after all, i was quite close friends with that particular hawk. and sixteen grumpy looking out the window to try and get away from the rest of the people in the car and there -- out there, flying... a hawk... circling patiently...
i've never seen a hawk attack. though once out on a river i watched some bird of prey swoop down to the water and i thought -- oh! -- but didn't see anything.
almost unheard is perhaps as close as a tree might get to being unheard, even when no one is around. i'm glad they're only almost unheard, and the snow's surprise, and the cold that just is. i've felt that kind of cold, just "it is cold" cold. every once in a while, when i'm surprised by a wind so biting all my body can say is, "it is cold," i forget that i'm not back in iceland, waiting for aurora, surprised by the snowstorm... iceland, where every tree is almost unheard, and even almost unseen...
somehow that squeaking has to be answered, and that little one fed, and a little boy perhaps has to turn inward and hide for a while in the red hollow of the bud, until it's a little less cold. but for now it is cold, and one hawk has flown down, and the little boy hides in the squeaking in the boughs; perhaps a sorry hiding place, but it was never meant to last this long. he waits, perhaps he squeaks a little, and maybe he can't stop thinking, and when he peaks out and looks around he sees only hawks.
This and that.
I am hurrying to write this as my computer is very ill and may leave my words in the dust at any moment. I didn't mean to disappear, but my words have been few. I have been volunteering two mornings a week at a local hospice and am having one of the most challenging relationships with a resident that I have had in many many years. In addition, my cousin is dying - so life and death is on my mind.
In many ways I am aware of how ordinary death is. How it is part of life, but mostly greeted as if it were a horrific stranger than was never supposed to arrive. I felt this so intensely when one of my family members kept saying that my cousin's death/dying is a nightmare. Finally, I said, "Maybe it will help if we think of it, not as a nightmare, but as part of this life.". I said it not even so much for her, but for myself, to remind myself, that if I see things as they are, then as they are, is not nearly as frightening as I imagine things to be.
For most of my life I wanted to be of service to the dying. I wanted to be of service to people of all ages. But I wanted to do this for all the wrong reasons. I had to make peace with own feelings about life/death While it is an on-going process - seeing death, not as the nightmare, but as a part of this dream, we call life, has given me a new pair of shoes to walk in. I am finally able to service with more clarity. It is a blessing.
THIS, THAT, AND ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD
There is something about the simultaneous juxtaposition of a cleverly polymorphous Durex condom commercial, Noah’s ostensibly hungry libido and rich fantasy life, Emily’s sobering and somehow beautiful glimpse of life through death and dying, and my current philosophical sojourning into the relationship between Existentialism and Buddhist ontology. Somehow they… well… excuse the pun… just fit.
Somewhere in the Existentialist movement, if you will, reality was not clearly reconciled between dialectically opposing but codetermined dualistic (conventional/form) and nondualistic (ultimate/emptiness) statuses. It seems to me that the reason -- as far as I can see – was existentialism’s tendency to give primacy to subjectivity, or the “self.” It’s quite understandable since Existentialism is anthropocentric. Anyway, my point is that, if we separate out life and death) what Emily is asking herself and us NOT to do), we are just left with two things: suffering and a lot of fucking. As far as I can see from Noah’s video, fucking until we drop.
Now, for many of you, fucking may be the be-and-end-all anyway and worth all the suffering. But, as I watch this video, I am reminded that fucking for most is actually part of the suffering; it is the dualistic fixation aspect of the suffering triad (delusions, afflictive emotions, and dualistic fixations) that goes part and parcel with our belief in the independent, permanent self. You see, fucking can be experienced either dualistically or non-dualistically, in the same way that life and death can be experienced dualistically or non-dualistically. The difference, of course, is that fucking from non-dualistic awareness is actually free from suffering, in the same way that life and death are free from suffering. The difference being that – to paraphrase from my poem – it’s not the fucking itself, but the depth of the subjects fucking, that most defines fucking. So, what I seem to be saying here, if I can be presumptuous enough to give some friendly advice, is basically to get a fucking non-dualistic life.
Fucking
I am not fucking sure of half of what you fucking said means, but my fucking intuition says it is good, sound fucking advice.
what fucking video?
I just want to know what video you're talking about.
Clever, OM, very clever.
OK, I found it!
:)
pineal!
WHY I’M ON FACEBOOK
Let’s suppose I’m an elderly citizen of 75 living in a small college town community in upstate New York. I’m retired and my wife died a year ago. I have two children, a boy and girls, but they live far away. I have had some medical problems which limit my ability to get around. I’ve lived in this town for twenty years and have made friends over time but, to be truthful, up until recently I tended to spend much time on my own. I’m college educated and, in fact, was a teacher for 30 years. I love to read and garden and keep up with the news.
A couple of months ago, one of the healthcare organizations in town called the Intergenerational Healthcare and Wellness Initiatives reached out to me in an attempt to keep me more connected to the community. A van picks me up regularly and drives me to the Center for Inspired Living, where I received some healthcare services, go to lectures and meet other folks from around the community. I also have begun to use my teaching skills again with some of the children in the community who need help with reading. One of the older girls in town has been working with me on developing my computer skills and I’ve been spending more time on the web.
But, one development has been particularly useful and indeed meaningful for me. Through the Initiative and Center, I’ve signed up through a Facebook-type of website, with a community group, where I have built up a fair-sized network of friends. If I ever need anything or if something is going on in town, I’m sure to find out on Facebook. Before I said meaningful and what I meant was that I feel more connected and less isolated, which I was told was a primary objective of the Initiative and Center. Another important point, my Facebook profile also has a healthcare function; it’s a private and confidential record of my health status for the practioners I work with and includes my nutrition and medication. This way the practitioners have better communication with each other and the care I receive feels more complete and total. In this new age, I have come to realize that community culture is taking on a new shape, clearly one for the better.
And, oh, by the way, I met a new lady friend through Facebook, too, who has also lost her spouse a few years ago. We’re certainly hitting it off and I ask, will wonders ever cease?
Ah come on....
Ah, come on...... there are so many reasons to be on facebook. Let's say you are a forty or fifty year old man who has lots of friends who don't live in town - let's say one lives in DC or something. And you just miss her to death. You can log onto facebook and maybe find out all the mundane things she is doing or what she is thinking. Now ain't that just a hoot!
Ring a ding a ling
So... what's new? How is everyone? I'll tell if you tell. But someone has to start.... Please..... I hate to go first.
Sadness and Hope
Okay, I’ll go first since I’ve been delinquent on posting lately. But I’ll have to warn you I might be a little all over the place. ;)
Emily, Thank you for sharing your experience with hospice and your change of perspective in relation to dying. Reading you talk about death not as a nightmare but as a part of life was very soothing to me. You couldn’t have shared your feelings at a better time as I was reading your post as my husband was returning home from a long day that included visits to the medical examiners office and the funeral home to take care of arrangements for his father who had died on Thursday. I was surprised and proud of his strength, his composure and his ability to go through the motions when he was clearly struggling with understanding the reality that he father had died. I was anxious that I couldn’t somehow hold his pain for him or find the right words to soothe his sadness. I just sat with your words and waited on the couch for his return and I thought about the life my father-in-law had lived.
My father-in-law suffered most of his life and at that moment, I was not angry or even devastated, I didn’t even wonder about fairness I just wondered if he ever felt the sun on his face or watched the waves slowly role onto the beach at sun set; what was those few beautiful moments that helped him continue to live through all of the hardship? Did all that suffering serve him in some way and if so would it cease now? Would he be forced to re-live severe suffering or would he be given the opportunity, in his next life, to flourish and be free from suffering? I thought about the things he’d experienced and had been through- living through the depression, losing both of his parents as a child, fighting in the Korean War, experiencing economic hardship and mental and medical health issues, caring for his wife when she developed Multiple Sclerosis after having their third child and I again wondered was is the smile on his children’s faces, was it the leaves falling in the fall, or was it simply the duty of caring for his wife that kept him going? How did he find the strength to keep going? How does any of us find the strength?
On Saturday morning I woke up and wanted to write him a letter, I wanted to thank him for having a part in creating the man that I love. I wanted to thank him and some how honor his life and yet I was not really sure just how to do this. On Tuesday, after the funeral I went behind the alter to find a bathroom and to my surprise walked into the Catholic school’s cafeteria, it was filled with young black children, in sharp maroon school uniforms, the excitement on their faces and in the air was almost making them dance off their seats. The scene took me by surprise and was such a contrast to the scene I had left on the other side of the curtain, I then realized I was standing in front of a large screen and the children had gathered to watch the presidential inauguration. I had forgotten about the inauguration, caught up in a world of flowers, trays of pasta and contacting relatives the days since Friday had all begun to merge into each other. It was refreshing and somehow inspiring to be able to peak into this room and witness this amazing moment in history through the eyes of these children. For a few moments I forgot again, I forgot I had just attended a funeral and was heading to a cemetery I was lost in the beauty of the hope and joy in these children’s faces especially since they lived in the one of the poorest sections of the Bronx. I though to myself this is the moments you were asking about this morning, this is a moment these children will each hold onto for the rest of their lives to help them to strive for a better life.
I stepped back into my life and back into the funeral procession with a little more clarity and hope. When I stepped out of my car in the bitter cold and looked across the snow covered cemetery, the hills, the rows of bare trees and the mound of soil sitting aside his plot, there he sat a part of this amazing landscape inside of his slate grey coffin, covered so gracefully with an American flag I wondered if it was all just a dream. The scene for a moment took my breath away, the color guard in blue uniform standing at attention on either side of the coffin a single woman standing behind in fatigues the small group of us hovering into each other to brace from the bitter wind. We were only there for 20 minutes but in those 20 minutes I felt all his suffering release into the universe and I felt for the first time his life was truly honored as I witnessing the color guard ceremony and the way in which the military honors veterans at their death. It made me think of all we’ve been talking about, of suffering, of life and death of forgiveness and of focus in life.
Of the suffering I’ve been through and are still to experience and how I understand and face and even dissolve that suffering as my daily practice. Of my own struggle with death and how in the past it would devour me; the grief would devastate me because I didn’t know how to allow the room to grieve. Of how much more comfortable I am with it and yet still so fearful that one day it will also be my fate. Of forgiveness in which I am only starting to dip my toe into the pond and process required to learn to work through and forgive. Could I allow myself to not push harder against the fears of forgiveness without the daunting thought in the back of my head that one day, maybe even one day soon I will be faced to burry my own father? And then I thought of my own journey, my life, what does it stand for? How will I honor this life while I am living and how will my life be honored when I am no longer? What is it that my life stands for that is the theme of my evolution? What thing is it that I always come back to that keeps me grounded and striving to be a better person? I thought about how much I enjoy the ongoing challenge of trying to be free and allow my true self to explore, how I am discovering how much I love the exploration itself and I thought of how I am always wishing I could do more to help others. I’ve been just bouncing around all of these intertwined thoughts and themes for the last week and then today I stumbled across a story of a woman in Maryland that last month had quintuplets. By chance she came to the United States and is now going to raise these children here instead of the war raged desert of the Sudan while her husband is home working for the military. Just looking at their faces brings hope to my own heart, I melt when I read that they will most likely stay and have the opportunity to grow up in a country that will provide them with unlimited possibilities. Just like that, by chance the roads open to them are so drastically different than they could have been. I wonder if this is just the word that was floating around me all week, even in the saddest moment I had hope, hope that my father-in-law will experience a better life in his next phase and that I will continue to use each experience as a gift for understanding and growth.
i don't know what to say,
i don't know what to say, megan, except thank you for sharing.
Nico
Thanks Nico, You don't need to say anything else. :) How are you doing? What are you feeling?
Megan
I will write more later. But thank you for sharing so much. I have been consumed with several family events - one tomorrow - a cousin of mine just died unexpectedly. So, I appreciate so much all that you shared. Later.....
Emily
Emily, I am sorry to hear about your cousin’s death, my thoughts are with you and your family. No rush, we’ll be here, leaving the lights on for you.
megan, i had been feeling
megan, i had been feeling very angry and isolated, but now less so. i was angry with my parents for not being able to give me what i wanted but then realized i was really having a flash back to when i was a child. even so, it is so hard to communicate with them because i feel like they give me so little in return. they are very authoritative, very emotionally constrained, and become very angry and unconfortable when i broach subjects that are emotionally charged or tender.
i try to find the empathy to have more compassion for them so that i can forgive them more. and i do feel like i have forgiven them so a lot, but every so often, something else crops up that triggers my anger to punish them.
a friend told me that the reason i am angry at them is because i don't want to let them go as my parents, in the way a child wants its parents. and, this friend continues, that by staying angry with them i can still think of them parents that need to fulfill some of my needs. if i was to forgive them i would have to let go of my anger and dissolve the illusion of the child needing parents, which, in turn would mean i would lose them. and this is what i really don't want to do.
i am not sold on this yet because i don't yet feel it. i have to sit on it for some more.
but enough about me, how are you? what are you feeling?
Nico, I want to know more about this
Nico, I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around what your friend shared with you in regards to your parents and maybe this leads me to my exact issue with not being able to let my own parents go. I know plenty of adults who have healthy relationships with their parents and they continue to provide guidance, support and encouragement well beyond the years of raising and rearing them. They serve as a confident and usher to help navigate the different stages of life. What would your friend say to this? Is it being childish to expect your parents to continue a role of guidance beyond the age of 18?
megan, your question took me
megan, your question took me a couple of days to come up with a comfortable answer. i can only imagine that in healthy parent/child relationships the parents transition from parents who have authority to friends who care about and advice the child. Certainly in my relationship with my parents, i have never had that transition where i feel like i am talking to a friend who i really love and care about. i look at them as my mother and father who i really love and hate at times. we have never had the transition to openess to discuss and relate freely on all the issues and events that have hobbled our lives. many topics are inaccessible because they cause too much friction, pain, and the memories of loss. even when i attempt to dance around the tougher topics, i receive very little in return, even in the form of dialogue or acceptance of my thoughts and views on those topics. this stymies the relationship and keeps it from growing from the parent/child to the friend/friend model.
even last monday, after i had visited them, and i was driving away from their place in flushing, i saw my father standing on the sidewalk, watching me go. i felt this great love for him, and at the same time i saw his age, and the fear that he might not be around much longer gripped me. yet i feel like there is this chasm i have to cross, and there is no bridge to take me there.
i know i have to accept them for who they are. and i have to stop expecting them to give me something they cannot give.
does this make sense, megan?
how does it relate to your experience with your parents?
Megan
It is wonderful to finally sit down with your post. I am sorry for your loss, for your husband’s loss. Your post reminded me of the pull of life in the midst of death.
I am surrounded by death all the time – as we all are, but right now, working at a hospice makes me feel even closer to life. I find myself looking forward to my two mornings at Joseph’s House and the ritual that I have surrounding my visits. I arrive at 7:30a.m. to be with one particular resident. It is still dark when I awaken and the darkness is just fading as I walk the twenty five minutes through my neighborhood and into the next. I watch the lights go on in the houses and wonder who is waking up, who is still asleep. I meet the same people out walking their dogs, and I look at the trees, the bushes, taking note of so many things I would ordinarily miss. On my way home in the late morning or early afternoon, the walk, again, lifts me – although I already lifted by being at the hospice and joining in that community. Being of service is the most healing act that I can think of, alongside a daily sitting practice.
As I posted earlier, my cousin, Ann died during surgery last week. It was an unexpected death –a complication of neck surgery that resulted in a major stroke. I have been thinking about her continuously – thinking how unfathomable death always is – and how her crazy sense of humor will be absent from the otherwise very dull family events that we shared. I think of how pissed off she would be if she knew that her life would end as it did. And I also think how she would probably tell us to get on with it – have a party, get on a motorcycle and hit the road.
I think when someone dies the relationship doesn’t end – that in fact it grows in a new way, something I might not have said or believed years ago. I find myself talking to Ann all the time, thinking about her, looking at the world with her in mind. She extends my consciousness.. I don’t mean to minimize the actual physical loss, or what it will mean on a day to day basis for her family – for that loss is profound and real, and the grief is something that burns in every pore.
I hated the funeral. I hated the rabbi. I hated the service. It was cold. It was a lecture. It was dogma. So, I sat in my seat, taking deep, long breaths, trying to find compassion for the rabbi who, despite his efforts, exuded little warmth, too much head and too hidden a heart. There were so many stories that were not shared. My cousin suffered from a horrific car accident when she was a teenager. A surgery to repair cracked vertebra resulted in a cardiac arrest. She had to rebuild her life, learning to talk, walk, and think again. The surgery that resulted in her recent death was meant to repair the same vertebrae that could not be repaired the first time. She was excited about a future with no neck pain. She had no idea, not even a fleeting thought, that it would not work this time.
She had passion for life, despite any pain that she lived with and she was not the least bit bitter. The most profound and lasting symptom from her initial injury was her inability to censor herself. She would say the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times. Her comments were outrageous, off color – never mean spirited, but always shocking. The amazing part was that her passion for life made it all OK –everyone accepted whatever came out of her mouth ( doctor’s lawyers, judges….) because they knew there was a innocence to it. Her thoughts literally slipped from her brain to her mouth. She gave us stories and laughter for a lifetime.
And so, here is another day. Snow gently covers the ground and the grey light has a magical quality. Sometimes I cry for no reason. Right before the tears come I feel angry, sick, as if I am going to implode. As soon as I release them I feel the earth opening up, smiling.
em, thank you for sharing
em, thank you for sharing this beautiful letter of yours. though it has loss and sadness, it is also full of hope and heart. i am sorry Ann died. i wish i would have had the opportunity to meet her.
you said that now you think that when someone dies, the relationship doesn't end, but grows in new ways. what do you mean?
Emily, thanks for taking me on your walk.
Emily, Thanks for sharing how you are feeling. Sometimes your words take my breath away, they somehow engulf me and I have to sit with them and the essence of them for a little while before I can start to take them apart and look at the meaning. I was doing this last night, I could feel you walking through your neighborhood and the next in the early hours of the day and I could see the smile on your face as you spoke about the life, energy and passion your cousin Ann brought to your life. I could understand my own tension before succumbing to tears more clearly and recall how peaceful I feel afterwards. Today I was thinking about why this is, why your words for me come to life and resonate so deeply. I realized that your words resonate so deeply with me because of your wisdom and the way you talk directly from your heart. There is clarity in what you say, even when you seem to be searching and are not sure where you are, there is clarity in your words.
I like Nico, am particularly drawn to what you say here:
“I think when someone dies the relationship doesn’t end – that in fact it grows in a new way, something I might not have said or believed years ago. I find myself talking to Ann all the time, thinking about her, looking at the world with her in mind. She extends my consciousness..”
I felt this way the morning after my father-in-law’s death when I was writing him a letter in my mind and thanking him for his wonderful son. I feel that way when I pass something on the street that reminds me of friends and other relatives and when I talk to my Grandfather knowing he would have had a funny comeback for me. But I never really thought about the relationship growing and the extension of consciousness. What a beautiful way to put it, I’ll have to sit on this for a little while this week.
Thanks for going on a walk
Megan and Nico,
you have given me so much to think about and I deeply appreciate your feedback. I want to respond to your thoughts - so much about the relationship between parent's and children- but this will take time- yes, it will. It is the river that runs beneath my feet.
FOR EMILY
Today I am feeling unimaginably blessed,
not because I have found love
nor because I have lost it.
Not because I have experienced
the joy of parenthood
nor that I have lost it.
Not because I have made a great deal
of money, nor because I have
lost it all.
I feel unimaginably blessed
not because I have had parents
nor because I lost them.
I am blessed because I feel
and in the depths of feeling
have found knowing
And in the beyond of knowing
found in feeling all
that can be known
that I am unimaginably blessed.
For Om
Yes, you are blessed and this become a blessing for all of us
I LOVE this!
I LOVE this!
death and relationships
Hi all, I'm back from the abyss!
I decided to check in this evening, after a long absence, and found all these beautiful flowers blooming in our garden! That might sound like a strange response to what Megan, Emily and Nico have shared about the recent deaths of loved ones you have experienced or the struggle with parental relationships. I just see such aliveness in all of you as you contemplate and uncover truths about yourselves in relationship to these people and what they represent for you, or even what death means to you. Even you, Nico, seem to be experiencing a death with your parents. The death of the old relationship which is no longer acceptable, tenable or really existent anymore for you. You have changed, and therefore IT will change. there's no choice anymore. death always brings new life. it's mother nature's cycle.
All of this is bringing me back to recent events in my own life, involving a parent. Long story short, my dad almost died a couple of weeks ago. He had some kind of virulent infection that lead to renal failure and landed him in the ICU getting emergency dialysis. He is feeling better, but the kidneys have not recovered and he is looking at a lifetime of dialysis or transplant. For me, the reality of what he is confronting and the events that lead up to his current situation are tragic with a capital T. It also raises a whole host of issues that I thought I was over regarding this estranged relationship. He had been really sick over Christmas and actually went to the doctor, despite his tendency to avoid medical assistance until a full blown crisis forces him to. The on-call doctor sent him home with amoxicillin without taking any tests, even though he complained of dehydration and has a history of bladder cancer and uses a urostomy bag. For the next week he weakened. He refused to go to the emergency room, insisting on waiting until his doctor was back from vacation. When he finally went to see him (showing up in slippers with no socks on a freezing cold day) his doctor sent him straight to the hospital, saying, "in non-medical terms, you're really fucked up!".
My sister and I are both distraught over not having intervened before it got to that point. Although we were talking to him daily on the phone and telling him to go to the ER, we didn't physically go over to his place and drag his ass there. Now, is that our responsibility? Isn't he a grown man and isn't it his fault for being so damn stubborn? or was he someone in need that we didn't assist because we were too fucked up ourselves by old memories? Point is, we realized that we were acting in the memories of the past, as opposed to the present. His sometimes bizarre, schizoid behavior (or just lack of relatedness) makes us avoid him as much as he avoids us, and our pain and feelings of loss, abandonment and betrayal from the past interfere with our ability to be present to what is now. I am lucky to have a great friend-like relationship with my mom, and that there are moments when my dad expresses ways in which he does get me and affirms who I am. But dad and I will never share a give and take the way I always imagined or dreamed of. Now it's up to me to decide what I want from this relationship at the end of his life--whether it be for 2 more months or 20 years. The death of his kidneys have brought me to an awakening, as unfortunate and tragic as that loss has been.
welcome back, camila. so
welcome back, camila. so glad to hear from you again (i should talk! i was gone for awhile too).
sorry about your dad. i hope he gets better. as for your relationship with him, your words are beautiful and full of feeling. thank you for sharing. maybe i can learn a little something from them and from you.
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FORGIVENESS
A friend of mine today asked about forgiveness. She said she is trying to practice forgiveness in order to achieve more freedom in her life. Though she doesn’t fully understand it, she knows it is the answer because her anger feels energetically as if it is blocking her, holding her down in some indeterminate way.
The first thing I thought about was a poem I wrote, called `The Patient.’
The Patient
She says, When I was 12 my father smashed the cupboard door in my face for drinking milk out of the container. She ran to the bathroom, rolled off some toilet paper, pressed against the swollen lip and red gum. A front tooth was broken along with her face and chances of any boy wanting to kiss her, especially with her two dollar sneakers and rag she wore as a dress. It was lunch time, she had to return to school. Before leaving her father grabbed her, said Don't forget to tell the teacher you fell on the stairs. Eyes closed around bruises as cars rumbled down the street under midday sky. I imagine myself back in Whitestone lifting my father off the kitchen floor, his heavy frame and torn-up face no longer possessing chair and table where Rheingold beer and Camel cigarettes stench the night; the same night, like a horn bloated with air, he garbles my name from the window, black around a pin of light flickering red; one of many nights I get up from the stoop across the street in the summer swarm of friends, my shame smudged from mouths concealing relief that the light isn't flickering from their windows. As I cross the street, unable to put me back into myself, I pray for the day I will shove my father along with memory into a hole, the day I see my patient's future, now the inside of which are scattered nightmares not even her new front crown, nor I, could repair or replace.
------------------------------------------
When I think of forgiveness, I think of time, and when I think of time, I think of process. When we are suffering at the hands of another’s ignorance, we “pray” for a future that no longer contains the past, the memory of pain. In time, we might be released from the physical and mental presence of psychological torture, but the mental suffering will persevere without forgiveness to repair and replace our woundedness. But, what exactly is forgiveness?
As I just mentioned, forgiveness is not a thing, nor simple; it is a complex process of healing, not through forgetting, but through remembering. Remembering takes place on two levels: the level of psychological reconstruction and the level of spiritual recognition. In psychological reconstruction, we return in imagination to the place and time of origination, where the misattunements and relational ruptures interfered with the natural process of growth and development. This returning allows us, with the guidance of a teacher, to sort out and make sense of how development was derailed, how and why we came to suffer.
In spiritual recognition, forgiveness allows us to remember our “original face,” to awaken to our Buddha nature, which is defined as the luminous, “unstained” mind free of suffering. Another way of looking at this remembering is returning to, as Nisargadatta would say, “pure awareness, pure witnessing, unaffected by the presence or absence of knowledge or liking.”
And so, what makes forgiveness complex is the wisdom it requires to find true peace in the letting go of attachment to and identification with the negative afflictive emotions cohering the memories of early corrosive experiences. Complexity is the time and learning required to unlayer and sift through the psyche in order to achieve the deep understanding that we can equate with forgiveness. We don’t often see forgiveness as a cognition but it is, because the compassion that let’s go through acceptance and release of anger and shame is guided by the wisdom of understanding the nature of self, relationship and development. The thoroughness of this ultimate forgiveness is true forgiveness.
forgiveness, beginning
I am grateful for this contemplation on forgiveness because it is something I've been thinking about a lot lately, in particular the need to forgive myself.
But that's another story.
I like that as we contemplate forgiveness we first recognize the need for time and for process, as well as for an awareness that we would like to free ourselves from the afflictive emotions/mental forms that cause suffering and dim, in some ever present way, our ability to love fully, be fully and truly who we are.
Forgiveness we do for ourselves.
And we need to really know we are doing it for ourselves so that our efforts towards forgiveness are not dependent upon another person's action or reaction to our choice. That is, I am not "forgiving my father" on the condition that he "get it."
Forgiveness is compassionate memory, that is, it's not looking at memory through rose colored glasses but being willing to recognize that what "happened" was not ultimately done knowingly, in knowledge of the suffering that was being caused. Even if there was the intention to cause suffering, true awareness of what that means is not available to the person. And they are unconsciously doling out what they know, they (like we) are reaching out into the darkness, struggling with feelings and forms we do not know from whence or wherefore, frightened by our own shadows, creating them as we go trying to control a universe that looks scarier because we project our demons and rage "out there" and we all blindly go, some more some less capable of valuing themselves and another because they have received that ability through relationship at some time.
But even still, very simply, i think, we do not know what it means to create suffering truly. We cannot know. I don't know who said it, but that it is against one's nature to cause harm to oneself, and we are all connected and when I cause harm to another I am actually harming myself and so I must not know it... who said that? ... Anyway... I know who said, "Forgive them... for they know not what they do." Same idea.
I think of a friend who has been pretty severely psychically damaged and I wonder how he could ever learn to forgive... what that would mean for him to step into that process. He would have to first start by recognizing that he is suffering, that he is angry. It's a long way - and a blessed one - to get to forgiveness. We do what we can from where we are. It may be too much for my friend to "forgive" right now, however, whenever he turns towards cultivating more awareness he is ultimately on that path.
We all are, no?
ps. Rest of this was long very long about process of forgiving my dad. I have to edit and post separately, but not tonight. too late!
pps. There is so much more to say about forgiveness and it's relationship with judgment/blame, attachment (letting go of), recognizing the artistry of your own life (what's made you you includes our suffering)... etc
Noah, Welcome home
Noah, thanks for this poem. And a belated welcome home it is nice to hear your voice again.
Thanks Megan
It's nice to be home :)
I am bigger than that.... or am I?
I have been struggling with this post about forgiveness. I have so many lofty ideas floating around in my head, but they seem to be something that I plucked from the air and not something that has grown from inside me. It requires so much energy to locate the place of honesty. Lately, I have been twirling around it, not wanting to turn on the light and look in the mirror.
It is easy to write about the big things. Like forgiveness with a big F. About a year ago, I wrote about how I felt when I finally saw the man who murdered my aunt and realized that I harbored no hatred. I saw so clearly how his life was over just as my aunt’s was – and his life had not even begun before it was wasted. I did not mean for that to seem, “noble,” for it wasn’t. In many ways dealing with something so large, was easier than facing some of the small things. It was obvious that hating this man would turn me into a hating machine.
It is the small situations, the ones that seem so trivial, that strike the minor note of hurt or vulnerability and have a way of building into a full-blown marching band in my head. These situations challenge me to admit to the small hurts, to admit that emotions that I thought or hoped I had dealt with remain unfinished or so easy to re-stimulate. It puts me face to face with my own “smallness of thinking,’ my stick out the tongue, “I hate you,” I will never get over it,” kind of thinking. And I hate this.
I am still angry with my neighbors about something that happened years ago. They are not neighbors any longer, but we still see each other; our lives intersect and they have no idea that I am harboring resentment. I am embarrassed to admit this. They did not invite me to a party. Other neighbors (and friends) were invited to their front porch ( they lived next door at the time) for a barbeque. It was awkward when I came outside (not realizing what was going on) and equally uncomfortable for some of their guests. We did not know whether to say hello or ignore each other. I tried to slip back inside quickly but one of the children asked me to play. I was then, invited over for a drink, which I declined. I went inside. I felt lonely, rejected, and worthless. I hated them. Mostly I hated myself for feeling so vulnerable.
I justified their reasons: everyone there had small children and mine were grown. Nonetheless, the rejection, for whatever reason, stung deeply. My feelings grew from anger into a quiet coolness and transformed me in relation to them – into someone, I don’t like very much. I harbor resentment that prevents me from seeing them just as people – decent people, who like me, do things that can hurt other people.
My anger keeps me from feeling completely honest, alive, and at peace.. It keeps me from letting go and it keeps ancient feelings alive. Why do I do this to myself? Because. In order to let go, I have to face myself. I have to face my hurt feelings. I have to go back to the source of the pain, feel it, and see it for what it is and where it originally came from.
Forgiving is the only way to stop the endless cycle of pain that I cause myself. It does not come because I will it. It does not come because I decide: now I forgive. It is a necessity in order to live with clarity. It is commitment to a life of discovery. It requires that I deal with myself honestly and maintain a vision of openness and compassion towards myself that I can then extend outward.
My thoughts on forgiveness- Response to Om, Cat and Emily
I’ve been sitting with these posts on forgiveness for a few days now reading them over and over and wondering where to start on this discussion. Forgiveness for me always seemed so far away; so huge and daunting. It was something that I thought I could only be achieved with the participation of my parents. With their willingness to recognize wrongdoing, understand the impact and openly feeling regret and asking of forgiveness. Although I understand now that is not going to happen or necessary to free myself from the anger and pain that I remember and still experience. I’m still not sure how to move any further along in the process of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is the ultimate practice of letting go, it is for me the hardest part of the therapeutic process and yet cognitively I know the process, awareness and letting go will yield the biggest reward. That the compassion to forgive and free both my psychological and physical self is one of the greatest gifts I can give myself.
Om, in your post you say, ‘we “pray” for a future that no longer contains the past, the memory of pain. In time, we might be released from the physical and mental presence of psychological torture, but the mental suffering will persevere without forgiveness to repair and replace our woundedness.‘
This statement resonates deep with me, even though I have moved past being afraid every night (the unfounded fear that someone was in my house when I was sleeping or waking to violent dreams) I will still sometimes find myself jumping out of fear on the subway. It can be as simple as catching out of the side of my eye someone who I didn’t know was right behind me gets caught in my sight. Just a slight glimpse before I even know what has happened, my cells and nervous system they remember the memory of pain, they still carry the fear before I am even cognitively aware of it and I jump, and for a moment I find myself once again a young girl not standing on the subway on her way to work but locked in her room frightened and praying for the day that she would be far, far away from danger and pain.
Caterina, I also like the idea that forgiveness is a process that starts with cognition- the understanding of the awareness necessary to participate and release afflictions associated with the memory of pain to forgive through the psychological and spiritual process of forgiveness. Which brings us directly to Om’s last paragraph and how he so eloquently says, “And so, What makes forgiveness complex is the wisdom it requires to find true peace in the letting go of attachment to and identification with the negative afflictive emotions cohering the memories of early corrosive experiences. “ Which I believe ties directly into why it is so difficult to let go and forgive and some of the points Emily makes in her post.
First off, by not forgiving someone like my father for the damage he has done and the disadvantages that damage has created in my life I can continue to hold onto and identify with the negative emotions and memories associated with who I was and in some ways still am. At some level there is fear that letting go of those emotions and memories will leave me with nothing to identify myself with. (I’m not sure I can articulate this more clearly just yet). And maybe the process of forgiveness goes from understanding you are not responsible for your psychology -to accepting responsibility to repair your psychology, through awareness and compassion and thus letting go of the afflictions that created your psychology in the first place. And the fear that keeps you tied to the identification and unable to let go and forgive is the fear of having faith that beneath the memories and before the afflictions you were a true and pure being - goodness.
My second point, and I hope I can make this connection cause I am still figuring it out as I type is that the small and insistent afflictions (that Emily you mention in your post) sometimes seem stronger in effect and affect our lives more deeply on a day to day basis because by nature they are not a huge affliction they are memories of the original affliction(s). They are symptoms of misatunements suffered from our childhood- fear, shame, guilt and feelings of abandonment all of these emotions are tied up in experiences that are difficult to forgive. Just like my jumpy nerves experiences like the one you share with your neighbors party are unconscious reactions to memories of afflictions, a symptom of the residual pain that need to be released and let go. By holding onto them and even by judging their existence we continue to suffer and we remain separated from our “original face”. I can give you at least ten examples of similar experiences that I am still holding onto, but after reading these three posts together tonight I am wondering am I holding on to all these little pieces of anger and experiences because they are so important and horrific or am I just letting them jump on the train that my father created?
Emily: A few more thoughts
Emily, I’m not sure I was clear in my previous post or I even have the right way to connect the bridge between your post and Om’s statement. As I said I also have experienced situations that were surprising, awkward and hurtful as when you stepped outside to see your neighbor’s bbq. I’m sure I have caused pain to others either intentionally or not and I’m sure they harbor hatred to the same degree as I do towards them and others for our actions. What your sharing made me think about was –why. Why do these experiences hold us hostage to our anger? Why do we allow them? Why is it so difficult to let go and forgive? Why is it that the experiences that we can almost rationalize and understand the reason for being left out and thus hurt (the party being for families with younger children) can we not see beyond the cognition of rationalization to forgiveness? I think it is all tied to the identification. We identify with the suffering and that identification carries a good deal of pain.
Interestingly enough I instantly think of meditation - Through meditation we are learning to loosen the stronghold of our identify – the ego that has created meaning and certain aspects of personality through identification of emotions created through experience begins to fade and lose its stronghold as our sole identity and this pure self – the one that I am slowly getting a glimpse of emerges; free of suffering. I only wish forgiveness could be as simple as sitting.
FORGIVENESS BIG AND SMALL
To forgive is not just a letting go but also a giving up. I guess we can argue that they mean the same thing, but they don’t. Letting go addresses the affective, while giving up refers to beliefs and is thus cognitively or wisdom based. In the silence of meditation, we can feel ourselves letting go of our grasping and craving; and in the contemplative aspect of one-pointed meditation, we can experience the ill-logic of our beliefs regarding reality as they pertain to self and relationship, body and mind.
But, here’s the most important understanding as it relates to forgiveness. Forgiveness is a by-product of understanding and cultivated compassion; it is not something we focus on in and of itself. We can’t make ourselves forgive, that’s preposterous. It would be like making yourself like someone you don’t. you can alter your behavior toward that person, but it would be dishonest to think you could make yourself like him. We can say, I need to forgive my parents or, I need to forgive myself; but that merely serves as an intention. To truly forgive, we must truly change the way we think and cultivate the deeper awareness that results in the dis-identification with (literally) everything we believe is real. We can’t say, for example, all those things are not real, but my child is real; my wife is real; my pain is real. This is an example of the almighty BUT. Oh yes, I understand what you are saying that this is dream and That is Real, BUT…. There are no buts in the real, only the but-less (sorry guys :) the problem, once again, is most people mistake existence for the real. Existence is everything we experience through our 5-sensory system: conventional reality, the world we live in. In the film we saw last night, `Synecdoche,’ the narrative began in this world, in Schenectady, New York, a place that actually exists. But, then this world, the world we all know, became dismantled, split off and multiplied like cell division upon conception. The narrative transfigured into what I called an anti-narrative, an ostensible chaotic swirl of unraveling associations following the protagonist’s mind (thought processes). What we, the audience, witnessed was a landfill of garbage in the guise of doppelgängers and a whole host of props representing the protagonist’s precoccupations (obsessions). None of this was real, nor did it not exist, and that’s the point. It was the utter failure of the protagonist to master his own thought process that left him completely inward but not inner. It was what I described in an earlier post as:
“All this from psychological splitting and failed or denied recognition. The denial of recognition of other (female) leaves, as the philosopher Benjamin asserts, “the omnipotent self imprisoned in his mind, reflecting on the world from behind a wall of glass.” The French philosopher, Marcuse, adds, the ideal individual is “created by an act of abstraction, which denies his real dependency and social subordination. Consequently, his freedom consists of protection from the control or intrusion of others. It is a negative freedom as release from bondage, individuality stripped bare of its relationship with and need for others.””
This so perfectly describes the psychological portrait of the protagonist: “reflecting on the world from behind a wall of glass.” But, this is, to a large degree, all of our worlds because we are so utterly attached to our minds and what seeps out of them.
And so, the key to forgiveness is the same key to freedom from suffering: to realize (understand) that the world we are constantly experiencing, finding and creating, moment to moment, exists, but is not real. And this includes the box we live in called spacetime. The peace and joy engendered in this awareness is forgiveness. Through this deep understanding, we prepositionally and then truly modify the attribution of giveness by letting go of the identity and attachment it engenders. I am no longer angry with you because the you I have been attached to isn’t real; nor is the I that is angered because it wasn’t given to. Yes, you once existed and might still exist, but the power you once had over me no longer exists, because the memories of pain that my fear is dependent on, and which I associate my anger with, aren’t real, either. But, I have a voice and what it points to IS real, and no one can ever take it away. In my subjectivity, I am strong and clear and wise, compassionate, open and discerning, and always self-affirming, as I spend the moments of my day, every day, sitting in my sand box and drawing lines in the sand between what is dream and what is real.
Om,
if the memories of pain exist in my mind, how are they not real, at least to me?
Om,
I wanted to add to my post. I can relate to feeling omnipotent reflecting from behind a wall of glass, however my glass wall is a two way mirror. I see the outside world and reflect on it from a safe vantage point, but ironically it is this very safety which renders me powerless because no one sees me. I am invalidated through my dependence on myself to seek the happiness that would validate me. The good news is that at least I am aware of it.
`DEPENDENTLY' BECOMING RELATED AND FREE FROM SUFFERING
Dependently, nice posts. Thank you. You’ve made two excellent points, one in a statement, the other in your question: “if the memories of pain exist in my mind, how are they not real, at least to me?”
Regarding your question, the problem is that your memories, and the mind from which those memories arise, are real to you. In other words, if they cause you pain it means that you experience memories as real events, as opposed to impermanent images without independent existence. Of course they exist because you experience them. But, you (and all of us) treat these mental events (and the emotions that bind them like glue) as if they are real, independent, permanent entities that reflect who you are (rather than merely what arises in the mind at this particular moment for a brief duration). And so, the suffering is the belief that the memory and associated feelings are your identity. For example, I am my anger; I am my depression; I am my fantasies; I am my aging body; I am my forgetfulness; I am my isolation, etc. Though mind experiences these things, like clouds overhead passing, the experiences come and go. They feel as if they are permanent at the time we experience them, but they’re not. They are impermanent. And, what is impermanent cannot be real.
Now, this truth, in and of itself, means nothing. However, if you really take it on and begin to understand it, the suffering you experience everyday will diminish; and that’s the point. Which leads to your statement: “I see the outside world and reflect on it from a safe vantage point, but ironically it is this very safety which renders me powerless because no one sees me…. The good news is that at least I am aware of it.”
This is not only good, but the best news. Awareness leads to understanding and understanding leads to freedom from suffering. The isolation from behind the “glass wall” you describe is one’s battle with relationship and the recognition it potentially provides to heal old wounds and stimulate growth, the way a plant’s interaction with the sun and rain stimulates its growth. The sun and rain nourish the plant vis-à-vis complex life giving processes. In the same way, intimate relationships also nourish human beings; however, the process is even more complex than the plant because of the human beings psychological need system, which includes communication. For example, I can’t nourish you unless you are open and willing to be nourished and until you take responsibility for your own nourishment. This is both the frustration and beauty of psychological and spiritual development in the context of human relationships. We all want to be touched but are terrified of it, don’t know how to ask for it or receive it, and resist it out of fear. We also often don’t know what or who to ask for and have difficulty finding others we can trust. These are painful aspects of seeking the nourishment relationships potentially provide.
YOGA AND PSYCHOANALYTIC PSYCHOTHERAPY
The beautiful thing about yoga is that it’s non-denominational and non –“dominational.” Yoga does not belong to any one side or sect and so embraces the universal bodymind of being. Similarly, it takes mind’s tendency to crave, grasp and possess and kneads it back into its soft open center. The heart is the center of gravity, body says to mind, and so we must learn to feel thinking. The language-centric of the dialogical therapeutic encounter is a beautiful yoga in its own way; it also softens the mind’s rigid need to name: to categorize, analyze, break-down, de-center. But, due to historical reasons, it tends to leave the body behind, as if irrelevant to the therapeutic aim of psychological health. But, healing means to make whole and wholeness is inclusive: it is neither body or mind or body and mind, it is bodymind.
Without body, mind is not only lost, it is non-existent; it has no meaning. When we speak of consciousness, we always mean conscious of something, some thing. In this way consciousness is thought-like and thing-like; it is bodymind. The body penetrates into the very heart of the human subject, as subjectivity literally penetrates into the very heart of the body. That is why, if we ignore the body, the body gets sick; it suffers from the same isolation the mind suffers from without relationship. The brilliance of yoga is that it is the language of the deep body seeking alignment, the interpenetrating aspect of bodymind, and the space where emotion and thought meet. As we mindfully position ourselves (asana) in space, something magical happens: the feeling aspect of emotion sets in motion the feeling of well-being, bodymind’s natural state before the psyche was relationally ruptured. And breath is vital to this process as it is the luminous stream of intention over time healing afflictive, inmbalanced, stagnated or tired parts of bodymind’s present dis-eased state.
Most important, what yoga, in its tutelage, informs the (psychological) mind aspect of consciousness, is that healing (and, indeed, growth) does not occur independent of embodiment; mind must make itself aware of the body’s primary role in communicating health and wholeness essentially through body’s most intimate spaces. And these spaces, by the way, are not, paradoxically, thing-like or even “space”-like, but rather process-like: activities of neurobiological consciousness symphonizing bodymind’s movement in the great Shivaic dance of spiritual praxis. Is this not the most beautiful mirroring mind can reflect?
THE OM THAT NEVER SLEEPS: RESPONSE TO YOGA AND THERAPY
Om, thank you for your meditation on yoga’s contribution to the healing process of therapy. While sitting with your words (as I, admittedly, don’t do enough), I found myself thinking about meaning, that is, the notion of meaning relative to subjective experience. We might not at first associate yoga with meaning, at least not in the same way psychoanalytic therapy might be associated with meaning. When we speak of meaning, we almost always mean something linguistic, something rooted in spoken or textual language. But, from your perspective, meaning seems to take on a different direction. Let me see if I can articulate what I mean. Please correct any misreading.
In both psychoanalytic therapy and yoga there is an openness to the world. In fact, openness to self and world cannot be separated in the same way body and mind cannot be separated. Thus, meaning suggests that the world – either one’s subjectivity or the world surround – is constantly appearing, not so much before us, but from within the openness we are, and necessarily because of this openness. Of course, I think of dependent origination’s emptiness and form: meaning is always the dance of world or body and consciousness. Meaning is always body because mind is always open to it; and meaning is always mind because the world is only unveiled from the awareness we are. One way to describe this meaning is seeing mind as a question and the body as a response. If we embrace body and ask it to help align our being, it will respond accordingly; if we fail to ask in the form of a misattunement, it will most certainly fail to respond and the result will be dis-ease, the loss of alignment.
Similarly, mind requires alignment as well, and body in fact serves as a guide for mind’s interior search for the analogue of body’s alignment, psychological integration of thought and feeling. But, how can that be? How can body guide mind? The body, through a yogic process, requires the mastery of mental factors and, as such, can be seen as a deeply mental process. These factors include feeling, recognition, intention, concentration and attention, aspiration, appreciation, intelligence, confidence, faith and trust, respect, suppleness, and equanimity. The understanding of mind, the essential goal of therapy, and managing one’s emotions to foster deeper reflection, both require the mastery of mental factors. And so, the openness that meaning is, and the meaning that we are, requires a kind of discipline that both therapy and yoga can co-foster, if you will. Aside from that, the discipline itself reflects a self-care that, through openness leads bodymind to open the two wings of wisdom (understanding) and compassion for all beings.
JAMES IS NOW INTO REAL ESTATE
Can you believe it, James has bought another home and has moved across town. But, he can't hide from us. (http://birchamongoaks.blogspot.com/2009/01/synecdoche-look-it-up.html#co...)
Here's a post I sent him:
James, I have also seen Synecdoche, New York and find your critique (or commentary) on the film most accurate. In fact, there is not too much to add and, of course, there’s much to add to both elaborate and expand on your experience of the film. I do think it’s an oversight to not comment on the title, which I find brilliantly appropriate for the film. Firstly, `Synecdoche’ as a malapropismic device (used throughout the film) -- which ultimately betrays the function of a malapropism -- perfectly engages the writer’s linguistic manipulation of language and the reality it both represents and constructs. `Synecdoche, New York’ is a malapropism for Schenectady, New York. But, then again, it’s not, because synecdoche is a figure of speech which denotes a part being used to refer to the whole thing. For example, synecdoche is a common way to emphasize an important aspect of a fictional character (such as a body part) to represent the character. Synecdoche is from the Greek sinekdohi (συνεκδοχή), which means “simultaneous understanding.” Simultaneous understanding is the key to understanding the film, because the simultaneity of multiple parallel realities, all of which ultimately reflect no true reality, is what generates the infinite regress of appearances we call life.
With that said, let me provide an interesting perspective from which to make sense of `Synecdoche’s’ meanings. First of all, I think the only way to understand this film is philosophically, because the philosophical is what attempts to explain reality. One domain of philosophy, in particular, phenomenology, is a great perspectival lens for this film as it explores human consciousness’ relationship to the external world (what we call conventional reality) and the meaning of psychological experience relative to the constructions that represent reality for both the individual and collective humanity. In fact, we might say that `Synecdoche’ is a cinematic treatise on phenomenology.
The film begins, like most films, with a concrete reality of a family and then unfolds through a mirror of mind to reveal layer upon layer of associations and mental constructions in a vast web of one man’s individual consciousness. What we, the audience, actually see are projections of a mind spontaneously spilling out vis-à-vis arrays of overdetrmined meanings. The images, of course, are visual because visual consciousness is the form cinema takes to express meaning. These are the concrete reifications of mind’s projections ordered in such a way as to construct what we believe to be real. And this is the point: we the audience are perpetually confused because the images we experience do not fit into a conventional order we believe to be reality. And it’s this confusion that is the film’s brilliant. I did not say chaos, I said confusion. Chaos would refute the coherent logical structure the film conveys. No, it is not a conventional logical structure, but that’s the point. It is a structure that is likely more true for a psychoanalytic therapy session that emphasizes free association as its method or dream consciousness which, as Freud has brilliantly demonstrated, does have its own logic.
I’ve put together some of the phrases and sentences from your post that I would most like to focus on:
but never knows what you mean,
but not knowing you well enough
It's how we don't actually know the lengths to which we go in order to keep from just looking inward.
but have we been paying enough attention to hear the voice pushing us from one painful moment to the next anymore?
It's not the line that's being undermined, it's the so-called reality to which we attributed it. And anyway, it's not the reality that's being undermined, it's just our shallow attempt to make real what is merely existent. But it is not merely existent -- it is existent!
But "knowing that you don't know is the most essential step to knowing, you know?"
All of these excerpts have one thing in common: they drive at the epistemological center of human knowing, what and how we know and the motivations and meanings of that knowing. The motivational aspect is most important because it ties individual consciousness to relationship, and its relationship that actually creates meaning, both in the concrete terms of having intimate relationships and in the existential attempt to heal the split between individual consciousness and the ultimate reality of interconnectedness (the split resulting in isolation, the linchpin of suffering).
What it comes down to in this film is overcoming what this following statement concludes about the films message: “there is no resolution” (which I understand is not your conclusion), specifically, resolving the existential suffering of death and the psychological suffering of life. But, as you have most clearly pointed out, there is a resolution: awareness. That is, cultivating awareness, first and foremost, self-awareness (“the most essential step”); and then awareness itself. The complete and total narcissistic self-absorption the film indulgently (intentionally!) portrays can only be resolved through awareness. How else can we realize the reality we commit to is nothing but a “shallow attempt to make real what is merely existent. But it is not merely existent -- it is existent!” And existent is not real! That is, it is empty of independent, permanent existence. So stop craving and grasping at it; stop identifying with it; stop attaching yourself to it; and absolutely, stop attaching to your self! Really, it is only this awareness that will make any sense out of the film and, in the process, shake all sense out of you, in a sense.
Om (at Noahck.com)
forgiveness and, you know, everything
hey guys. sorry i've been away. i'm finally (pretty much) caught back up on this blog of ours. i'm glad to see Emily back on the blog, and whoa—Hey Caterina! haven't seen you here in a long while. great posts, gals, and you too Megan, as always. also thanks to Om and Dependently... y'all always offer much grist for the mill, and many beautiful reflections and challenges... i hope this discussion on forgiveness goes on for some time, it is a fruitful topic.
without speaking directly about forgiveness just yet, i’ve learned a new lesson this weekend. i know i’ve begun to learn this lesson because i’ve been laughing all weekend. i’ve been laughing pretty consistently for the last few weeks, actually. not that i’ve been blissed out or delirious or anything of that nature. i’ve felt sad, and anxious, and felt many other feelings, too. and also laughter. i wrote a post a long while ago on laughter – and, of course, i laugh In God's Name - i had been laughing a lot then, too. always a good sign for me.
i learned that i don’t have to wait for anyone else to begin healing. of course, i’ve been healing for a long while, now, and have been faring well with my teacher, my friends, and my books. i’ve known all along, in a way, that the work is all mine and mine alone. i get challenges and guidance and support and more than anything else practice(!!), but even so, at the end of the day, the work is mine: if i don’t do the work, no one can do it for me; if i do the work, no one can stop me, and no one can help but help me :)
yet, i’ve been waiting a little impatiently. though i’ve “known” that i don’t need, let’s say, a lover in order to do the work, i’ve felt i needed someone to get any deeper… i felt that without someone i was stuck, i had hit a wall. whenever i was with someone i found it to be very ripe practice yet, usually, not much more. great practice, though, really. so i moaned and groaned and fantasized to bide the time until maybe i’d learn to see those with whom i can share this deep connection that i need. and then, i thought, then i’ll be able to get deeper.
i do need deep connection. it’s a need of mine, and one that i have a difficult time meeting still, even with others around. but what happened this weekend was quite striking, in its way. i was disappointed. it’s nothing new, i’ve felt disappointed many times before. yet this time i’m not so attached. letting go isn’t difficult, and unless i’m missing something, there’s no anger. i just don’t need it. sure i’m disappointed, and a little sad. but still i’m happy, for i feel my health.
relationship becomes easier, even though i demand more from myself in each of my relationships. there’s no need to hold grudges, or to hold back, or to feel ashamed. i hold myself responsible, and i also hold my friend responsible. it’s pretty simple, really, and mostly it leads me to laughter. so: you tell me—is this a post about forgiveness?
James, while reading your
James, while reading your post I was thinking about `Dependently’s’ statement: “I see the outside world and reflect on it from a safe vantage point, but ironically it is this very safety which renders me powerless because no one sees me.” (italics mine). What we can distill from your two posts is: paradox. That , “at the end of the day, the work is mine: if i don’t do the work, no one can do it for me; if i do the work, no one can stop me, and no one can help but help me.” And, simultaneously, “i do need deep connection. it’s a need of mine…”. Both of these statements are equally true and never independent of one another. Autonomy, individuality, self-authorship and self-assertion are seminal developmental values but are situated within a fundamental need for dependency, recognition, community, and compassion. This is true across all domains of being. For example, in one of my recent posts, regarding language (and the reality it constructs), this paradox of self and relationship is formulated as:
“Language is empty and language performs. Emptiness itself is form; form itself is emptiness. Both are intersubjective: one thoughtlike, one thinglike.” In conveying the Buddhist notion of paradox underlying the Buddhist principle of no self, Robert Langan speaks of the “crossover dimension” of interconnectedness that is needed to sense our separateness….“where there is no one, there is no other one, so all is no other than one.”
IS THERAPY THERAPEUTIC?
This morning one of my friends was sitting with me. He’s a long-term meditator and has suffered from depression. Meditation has given him a vast open space from which to challenge his perception of reality but for some reason not his depression. Recently he chose to try medication and an interesting thing happened. His depression lifted but his affect felt somewhat flat. He said he hasn’t been meditating as much. I told him that his depression concerned me but his flattened affect frightened me. Which led to a general discussion about therapy itself. I shared that if therapy doesn’t transform one’s experience, it’s not therapeutic. I said, Between you and me, I don’t give a rat’s ass about symptom reduction. Not if it doesn’t lead to deepening one’s awareness to the point of transformation. Transformation is changing one’s fundamental perception of reality and thus changing one’s relationship to reality. This is not an intellectual awareness, because awareness is not intellectual. I asked my friend to play a scenario out with me. I said, You have just Realized and are now enlightened. How do you know you are enlightened? He said, I have had direct experience. I responded, Yes, but what does that mean? I continued, It means that you feel it. but, it’s not feeling in the bodily sense, or even in the psychological sense, though those are included, too. It’s a feeling that is not a feeling about anything and, further, it’s not separate from knowing. This is what is meant by omniscient.
But it, this pure awareness, this nondual knowing, begins in psychological awareness, what we call self-awareness. So, when you say you feel “flat,” you can see how that frightens me. Listen, I’m happy if you aren’t depressed, but you’re not here only to relieve your depression. And I don’t mean here in this room. I know you love your children and wife and professional community, but if you aren’t breaking through this limited reality, you’re wasting time.
After my friend left, I sat a moment feeling an unimaginable gratitude. This awareness is the mechanism of transformation, and transformation is what therapy must strive for. Psychological change is part and parcel of this transformation but transformation is the spiritual imperative of therapeutic process. Often these two ontologies (the psychological and spiritual) cannot be distinguished. When a friend says he is no longer angry with his father (and means it!), he is making a psychological statement of change; but, he is making a subtle spiritual shift because in order to dissolve one’s anger, the self that identifies with anger and is attached to the belief in the reality of father/son and parent/child and the psychological historicity of those roles, has to dissolve. It takes a mature self to dismantle its own identity of selfhood and its multifarious forms.
This is what Camila means when she says, “But dad and I will never share a give-and-take the way I always imagined or dreamed of. Now it's up to me to decide what I want from this relationship at the end of his life--whether it be for 2 more months or 20 years.” And the general statement Camila makes related to the necessity of change for the psychological to realize its spiritual potential:
“I just see such aliveness in all of you as you contemplate and uncover truths about yourselves in relationship to these people and what they represent for you, or even what death means to you. Even you, Nico, seem to be experiencing a death with your parents. The death of the old relationship which is no longer acceptable, tenable or really existent anymore for you. You have changed, and therefore IT will change. there's no choice anymore.”
You see, these are not merely psychological truths, they are spiritual truths in that they engender a transformed perception of reality: from the belief of inherent existence to the awareness of emptiness, that is, the understanding that there is no independent, permanent self, or a world of separate objects that constitutes it. Or, as the Zen master, Dōgen, says, “I came to realize clearly that mind is no other than mountains, rivers, and the great wide earth, the sun and the moon and the stars.”
The most humbling aspect of my friendships is their resistance to change, not because it reflects a flaw or something wrong, but rather because it reflects my own imperfection lighted from a perfect gaze. The difference now is that I have learned one of the most important tasks of spiritual practice: waiting. The Buddhist teacher Donald Rothberg tells a story of Gandhi in the winter of 1929-1930 at the height of tensions between Hindus and Muslims and the British imperialists. When asked what path his followers should follow, Gandhi replied, “I do not see any light coming out of the surrounding darkness…. There is lots of violence in the air.” What Gandhi proceeded to do is what we often hear about all spiritual masters in crisis: he waits. Gandhi withdraws from contact and prays and meditates. He tells his fellow ashram members, “I’m just waiting. I’m waiting for the call. I know that I will hear the inner voice.”
I see this waiting as more than just a seminal beginning crystallization of realization. I experience this moment everyday in small ways as my friends struggle with the “surrounding darkness” of emotional afflictions that prevent change. But, I’m not separate from that darkness, and that is key. My waiting is their waiting, through the language of questioning, in the manner of questioning we call openness, in the intimacy of questioning, and through the final surrender of questioning we call understanding. It is an “inner voice” we both simultaneously hear and share and which translates into action. The action of change.
om, what is change?
om, if, as you quote, "mind is no other than mountains, rivers, and the great wide earth, the sun and the moon and the stars," then what change are we supposed to wait for?
Is it waiting for a different perception? New thoughts that replace the memories of affliction? If so, I notice in myself, my afflictions are only repetitions of things in the past, a collection of experiences and memories, which I recognize as my self.
NICO'S TIMES THEY ARE A CHANGIN'
Nico, you always ask the most penetrating and relevant questions which reflects a very deep reading. I very much appreciate the intention you put into my words.
“om, if, as you quote, "mind is no other than mountains, rivers, and the great wide earth, the sun and the moon and the stars," then what change are we supposed to wait for?”
Let me address this from two ontologies, the spiritual and psychological, respectively. There is a wonderful Chinese saying: when you change, the world changes with you. This phenomenological and ultimately spiritual truth reflects the movement towards a nondual understanding of reality. We can understand nondualism from three senses: 1) the negation of dualistic thinking, which means to critique our ordinary (dualistic) thinking which differentiates categories of thought into binaries (oppositions); 2) nonplurality of reality, which critiques the tendency of dualistic thinking to see the world as a collection of discrete parts; and 3) the inseparability of subject and object, which critiques the distinction between subject and object.
When we change (our perceptions of reality), the world necessarily changes because reality is based on how we perceive, interpret and determine it. But, this aphorism leaves out the last step or sense of nondualism, which is that self and object are not inherently existent. That is, there is ultimately no self to change! There does seem to be a difference between Advaita Vedanta and Buddhism, but I think the difference is only conceptually apparent. In Advaita, the subject and object are one (tat tvam asi – that thou art), as if the subject is “scooped up” in Brahman, where (Mahayana) Buddhism says there is no subject at all.
In this sense, Nico, what we wait for is the realization of nondual reality (or, more specifically, the union of emptiness and cognizance), which refutes the idea of discrete reality as delusional, or what is called ignorance. Ignorance, the failure to understand the ultimate nature of reality, which is empty of inherent existence, is the cause of suffering.
Psychologically speaking, is, as you say, change “waiting for a different perception? New thoughts that replace the memories of affliction? If so, I notice in myself, my afflictions are only repetitions of things in the past, a collection of experiences and memories, which I recognize as my self.”
I would say yes to both a “different perception” and “new thoughts.” And the different perception refers to the perception of the reality of self and relationships which make up our world. We begin with how we are conditioned to certain beliefs based on how we were taught in early childhood by our parents, which are dependent upon the larger collective cultural conditioning. And through a deep interrogative (shall we say, therapeutic?) process of unlearning, we learn anew how to critique these conditioned models of reality which have likely, not only distorted our perceptions of self and relationships (the psychological) but have necessarily distorted our understanding of the ultimate nature of reality (the spiritual). Importantly, we can alter our self and relational perceptions without cultivating and transforming our spiritual awareness, but we cannot spiritually transform without first altering our psychological perceptions.
And so, you can see the close relationship between psychological and spiritual realities (ontologies). Nico, I think you are correct to say that your afflictions reflect “repetitions” of old regurgitated thought products (thoughts and feelings), which ultimately result in your identification of self with those thought products (the collection of memories as experiences).
The dismantling of these thought products is what I call spiritual praxis, which is an inclusive act of integrating psychological process and spiritual practice, as well as, philosophical analysis (though therapy sadly usually ends with psychological process). A theoretical model that explains spiritual praxis as a "self-critical activity" I would call a philosophy of reflection.
WHAT IS THE MECHANISM OF PSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGE?
Do you think you’ve changed since we’ve met? What a strange question. What in the world does it mean, to change? What am I asking, really? Clearly, I am speaking to the relationship, the intersubjective space of holding from where my friend and I come to know each other in a specific kind of way. Of course, I’m not referring to a physical space, though where we meet and spend time is important in that it has that holding quality, too. But, there’s that other space, the relational psychological and spiritual space that, through a mutual commitment, provides and gives the meaning that our relationship is. And it’s this “is” that germinates change. When we speak of change, we refer metaphorically to direction. My friend shared with me that something shifted in him as he left his father the other day, when he walked away. His father looked different, older and more frail. We both wondered if his father had actually physically changed, or had something changed in the way my friend was seeing, in his perception of the reality of his father? There was a sadness I felt when my friend shared this shift of perception. That told me something. His anger was giving way to an opening of sadness, the beginning glimpses of grief I would even say. But, could he stay with it, was my question?
The mystic Jacob Boheme Eckhart wrote, “As long as I am this or that, or have this or that, I am not all things and I have not all things.” What Eckhart likely was not thinking when he conveyed this nondual spiritual truth, was that “as long as I am this or that” is first and foremost the psychological perceptual affliction that inhibits change or, more specifically, growth. And the glue to this belief in “I am this” is emotion, in my friend’s case, a long-held anger towards his father. But, it is not the anger alone that prevents change; it is the identification with the anger, the leaning in and holding onto the other in such a way as to form a reified relational shape or pattern of deluded attachment in my friend’s perceptual reality. The anger appears to solidify a sense of self (“this or that”) -- and therefore other selves-- that feels (and thus appears) not only “real,” but real in this particularly constructed father/son way that feels diminishing, devaluing, shrinking, lacking and thus oppressive. There is little breath or animated force to inspire joy, active engagement and participation in the world.
But, as the anger gives way, as the direction of being changes, something “shifts,” as my friend says. The emotional letting go, as experienced as sadness, softens the perceptual experience as well. Psychologically, where there was little conscious awareness of a “you and me” as separate subjects having distinct experiences, there is now a recasting, and in a more malleable way, of the father/son relational reality. Of course, I am simplifying a very complex process but that is in fact what happens when we become more self aware.
We might say this cultivation of self-awareness has four aspects: 1) an identified repeated perceptual relational pattern that needs to change; 2) a needed relational vehicle of change (e.g., therapist); 3) a mastery of emotional awareness; and 4) time (process). Most importantly, my friend’s shifting perception is not primarily a function of symptom reduction, but rather the beginning of an authentic transformation of perceived reality itself. What determines whether this transformation will reach a true spiritual awareness is whether this shift becomes not merely a temporary relief but an enduring psychological understanding of the self’s relative reality. No doubt my friend’s commitment to our relationship reflects the intention and desire for positive change and growth, but where he will take his own deepening awareness is the mystery of his own karmic journey.
I AM THE DIRECTION OF MY FATHER
My father points me to the past,
He is who I became. I point my
Father to the future, I am who
He hoped to be. My mother points me
To the past, she is my longing. I point
My mother to the future, I am her joy
That speaks to love without end. We
Three together have broken the shell
Of ignorance, we have traveled far
For travelers who knew not their way.
But the wind of faith wrapped itself
Around us, its direction the dying yellow
Of leaf squeezing out its last breath. We
Gave into death as day gives into
Night, as the dreams carried us through,
As dawn billowed out of sleep. I
Found myself alone that morning,
I found myself crying out alone. But
The wind no longer blew and the leaf
No longer clung. And I am no longer pointing.
for Om
The Queen of Sheba
Came to Solomon;
That was in order to gain wisdom.
When she had found him, indeed,
His wonders streamed upon her so suddenly
That she melted in contemplation.
She gave him all,
And the gift robbed her
Of everything she had within --
In both heart and mind,
Nothing remained:
Everything was engulfed in love.
FOR CATERINA: THE IMPOVERISHMENT OF PLENITUDE
Caterina, thank you for sharing this exquisite poem by the 13th century Christian mystic, Hadewijch (not Dylan’s poet from the 13th century :) This is a poem about deep contemplation, deep prayer, deep meditation, and the impoverishment that leaves one filled with spirit.
His wonders streamed upon her so suddenly
That she melted in contemplation.
She gave him all,
And the gift robbed her
Of everything she had within --
In both heart and mind,
Nothing remained:
Everything was engulfed in love.
The deep intensity of feeling startling and terrorizing me in night’s darkness is nothing other than mind trying to shake off the last vestiges of a life filled with loss. Even thoughts and words shrink and freeze like a tree struck by a sudden ice storm, its leaves curled into themselves and enfolded over what little air is left over its pores. And all left is the frozen silence of the gaping hole of death over the indistinguishable night.
But the frozen silence thaws on the interminability of time’s wound. And time speaks to us in its mercy, shakes off like a wet sheet in the wind the stiff, frozen air of memory. Fear is the memory of pain, the memory of failure, loss and suffering. But the silence thaws and the memory dissolves, as time promised. And time will go, too, in an act of self-immolation to make room for re-birth, the movement through the canal of death. Freedom is waiting. Poverty waits there, too, and the simple emptiness it holds, like the yellow fragrance of a linden blossom free from form but filling the unlimited space. Poverty fills the senses in its abundant, intense mood, for freedom from form is the most one could possess. Poverty is plenitude.
Therefore I say to you, do not be anxious for your life, what you shall eat, nor yet for your body, what you shall put on ... But seek first the kingdom of God and his justice, and all these things shall be added to you. (Mt 6:25-33).
Here is the interior mood of poverty bending in humility in prayer toward the light. The kingdom of God is the emptiness of body and its attachment to the fear of death. Poverty is a surrender onto the sweet taste of death’s release, and the surrendering of God, too, for God is too much space. There is too much history in God.
For God, like space, will never release us into presence; presence must release itself, like a seed capsule bursting forth when it is time, unlinking itself from its mother fruit. No one likes to leave the mother; death seems less painful. But, God cannot replace freedom, freedom from the word. And God is the word, and the word must go, even the fragrance of linden.
GEORGE HARRISON AND THE NONDUAL OF EVERYDAY LIVING
We might not initially realize it, but Harrison’s I Me Mine is a song about nondual awareness, or rather, a critique of dualistic thinking as it plays out “all through the day… all through the night… coming on strong all the time.” In fact, this song speaks to the primary sense of dualistic thinking as “selfhood” (I Me Mine). The ‘I’ is Descartes error of mistaking cogito (I think) for cogitans (thinking); the `Me’ as the objectified ego; and the `Mine’ of craving and grasping that is dependent upon the belief in an independent, permanent self.
This great little song speaks to nondual aesthetics as it applies to content. Content refers to these lyrics, which point to the idea of nonduality rather than the direct experience of nonduality (which is really not experience as we think about it at all). Since causality is built into language, the “wonder” of nondualism is aesthetically found in the immediacy, the spontaneity, or nonintentionality of experience and is thus free from the subject/object split of conceptualization. Meditation is the most perfect example of this. In meditation, the conscious mind ceases to envisage “the possibilities of action.”
If we move through the lyrics and deeper into the music itself, something interesting happens: we can feel the counterpoint shifting between the noise of form and the emptiness of form. This is further supported by Harrison’s chanting quality which then breaks into the demanding and clingy grasping of self-centeredness.
There are many classical pieces that stir this “wonder” of nondual awareness, as well. Bach’s “Liebster Jesu, wir sind hier,” for example, reminds me of Eliot Deutsch’s (the author of Advaita Vedanta) comments on aesthetic experience as “not, I see the work of art, but by seeing, the `I’ is transformed. It is not that I enter into the work, but by entering the `I’ is altered in the intensity of a pristine immediacy.” In nondual aesthetic experience, it is not the where, when, and why we focus on but the what. Again, there is no enduring distinction between subject and object, nor man and nature. One of the most moving pieces for me is Francois Couperin-- Leçon de Ténèbres 3, For 2 Treble Voices & Continuo. As I once shared with James, there is something in the sopranic vibrato that goes so deep into the body as to pull out what the mind refuses or is unable to name. Of course, my association is totally French (Couperin/French Baroque) and feminine (French/Soprano). These `Lessons in the shadow of darkness' (literally at 3 AM) are intimate, introverted vocals, melismatic, and with that deep feminine vibrato whispering in a meditative soliloquy as if internalizing the text of silence, yet through song.
Whether we discuss nondual awareness in terms of aesthetic experience, ethics, or society, we are necessarily implicating lived values, or the the principles that guide human relationships. As we have just seen in nondual aesthetic experience (specifically, music), the first principle of an ethics guided by nondual experience is also the critique of the ontological reality of the self. The realization (understanding) of the non-inherent existence of self prevents the tendency to treat others as objects and thus to be manipulated or dominated. In Obama’s interview with Al-Arabiya, for example, he said, "I do think that it is impossible for us to think only in terms of the Palestinian-Israeli conflict and not think in terms of what's happening with Syria or Iran or Lebanon or Afghanistan and Pakistan. These things are interrelated." Obama’s statement was predicated on this deep understanding of interrelatedness and I’m certain influenced by his early studies of Gandhi. Further, nondual awareness (because that is what we are essentially talking about here) transposes moralism into understanding. Evil is no longer viewed as evil but ignorance, the failure to understand the ultimate nature of reality (and for the Indian traditions, the failure to see one’s true Self). In this awareness, it is insight over willfulness. As William Blake wrote, “If God is anything, he is understanding.” We would say as part of this awareness that delusion, the belief in dualistic categories (e.g., good/bad, pure/impure, right/wrong), must be eliminated. Nondual awareness is the spontaneity of goodness and the concern for others because self-centerederness is transformed into a centered selflessness. In nondual awareness, separateness and its degenerative form of isolation, both of which are the result of one’s sense of separateness from the world, organically evaporates into the vast infinite web of interconnectedness. Obama’s “My brother’s keeper” is closely related to nonduality.
When we talk about the nondualist perspective of society, we necessarily delineate the path of the human being interacting with and creating culture and world. But, now we describe this in terms of the subject-object dualism and its delusive means in creating social, political, and economic systems. An excellent example of this is global warming and how our failure to understanding humankind’s interconnectedness with all beings, including the environment and living planet as a whole. As the isolated individual alienates himself from not only the larger community of relationships but, indeed, even from his own awareness, the fractured world cultures similarly dissociate themselves from both their own embodiment, which is the planet earth, and the delicate atmosphere nourishing us with breath.
It has been argued that the origin of this psychological “split” can be found in the philosophical Platonic split “between the ever-changing, hence delusive senses and reason,” and the theological split found in Judeo/Christian dualism where spirit is anything “other” than this world. These philosophical/theological systems of thought massively undermined the development of models to manage our current ecological, economic, and social crises. How ironic, the paths we were sold to find God have backfired and instead resulted in a deluded celebration of ego, where
No one's frightened of playing it
Everyone's saying it
Flowing more freely than wine
All through the day
I me mine
OM AND THE IMPOSSIBILITY OF NONDUAL ACTION
Om, as I read your post, I noticed an at least implicit pointer to “nondual action.” But, in reality, can there be such a thing as nondual action? Action by its very nature implies intention, which is the mental process of intending a result from an action. When you bifurcate action and result, you necessarily split subject and object. Object here refers to the objective of one’s actions. I am challenged on this point daily in terms of my work. In a simple example, my friends (the ballsy ones :) tell me that my intention for helping them is the reward of a nice fat paycheck. They’re not suggesting that I don’t care about them but that this monetary exchange devalues!!! any truly authentic or pure intention that an intimate relation would imply. Further, the monetary exchange necessarily separates out the two subjects and indeed even suggests a subject/object dynamic where the knower is bestowing knowledge on the object of knowledge. This doesn’t feel like nondual action to me.
Those clever folks. You could be right or you could be intimate, right? But, in this case, they are wrong and intimate. I open up my sleeve and pull out this precious little gem, called Chuang Tzu, and proceed to read:
“Ch’ing, the chief carpenter, was carving wood into a stand for hanging musical instruments. When finished, the work appeared to those who saw it as though of supernatural execution. And the prince of Lu asked him, saying, “What mystery is there in your art?”
“No mystery, Your Highness,” replied Ch’ing; “and yet there is something. When I am about to make such a stand, I guard against the diminution of my vitalk power. I first reduce my mind to absolute quiescence. Three days in this condition, and I become oblivious of any fame to be acquired. Seven days, and I become unconscious of my four limbs and my physical frame. Then, with no thought of the Court present in my mind, my skill becomes concentrated, and all disturbing elements from without are gone…. I bring my own natural capacity in relation with that of the wood.”
Now, this chief carpenter, like Dr. Wu, my chief carpenter, lives in this world and has to eat. He is paid for his services. He might even have a beer once in a while. But, this is not the point. As the carpenter enunciates, the point is one of awareness, nondual awareness. Each day, like everyone else, I enter into the worldspace of convention. But, I enter it through my meditation practice in an attempt to “reduce my mind to absolute quiescence” and find the skillful means to be present for and guide my friends. But, to be present from the perspective of nondual awareness means attempting to understand and recognize the ultimate reality that we are and to bring that awareness mostly in very subtle ways to my friends. Since I have not realized, my skills are limited and my awareness obscured by the same afflictive emotions that delude my friends. But, my intention is to realize the nonintentionality in my actions that ultimately are not mine, but rather are. The more pure the awareness, the closer my actions to nonduality. In the nondual, there is alignment between all aspects of human functioning, This might look like what Buddhism refers to as the Eightfold Path (Below).
1. Right View Wisdom
2. Right Intention
3. Right Speech Ethical Conduct
4. Right Action
5. Right Livelihood
6. Right Effort Mental Development
7. Right Mindfulness
8. Right Concentration
OM, REGARDING NONDUAL ACTION, THANK YOU AGAIN
And to add to your thoughts on nondual action (that is, that it is a by-product or more accurately, the manifested form of nondual awareness), as usual, there is a fascinating paradox here regarding time. I’m not sure if it was you or me, but one of us posted a while back on the idea of time. It’s worth it to revisit at this time.
In the nondual, we step out of time, so to speak, to understand its “unreality,” yet simultaneously (and paradoxically) hold time, as with all existence, as precious necessarily because it is not self-existent. This means that we cannot separate time from the self that experiences it. To do so is to “wrongly interpret” one’s experience of time. Nor does time “fly” or even stream with intentionality when we view it through a nondual vision. We neither have time nor are in time because there is no self (object of time) to contain or act within it.
Therefore, to phrase it properly, we must say that we, human beings, as existence en toto, as a series of appearances, are time. What throws us off is both how our minds usually work and how we use our spatial metaphors to reflect dualistic thinking. To (spatially) separate ourselves from time is to create a false dichotomy. So, in the nondual, we would say I am time and time is me (which is also true of space), which also means freedom from time; that is, freedom from the perceived self-existence of these two aspects of phenomena, time (mode) and self (substance).
As I said, it’s the way the mind usually works, usually thinks: in the linking of thoughts in a series (through time) but, as a result, misperceives the nature of this thought, as it is. The thought (or image) becomes linked with other thoughts as if on a conveyor belt of continuous time that exists “out there.” Meaning: it’s speciously happening in time. And if this thought is happening in time, as if time were a container (space), thoughts themselves would be what is called nontemporal, that is, self-existent. Now, most important, a thought, from a dualistic perspective, occurs in a self, which is the first experience of a reified (concrete/independent) object of time. This is where Descartes’ error is made, for example, when he spoke of a thinking `I’ and legitimized that `I’ as self-existing. And so, as the philosopher David Loy writes, “the “objectification” of time is also the “subjectification” of self, which thus appears only to discover itself in the anxious position of being a nontemporal [self-existing] entity inextricably “trapped” in time.”
If we replace thought with action, we are faced with the same dilemma: if action is viewed as self-existent, occurring in time, we will fail to understand (and thus perceive) action’s non-inherent nature, which is empty of independent existence (existing outside of the self that acts) and thus fail to appreciate its effects which, in the case of global warming, for example, could be catastrophic.
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