A Tightening

A Tightening

by james on 03/12/2009 - 7:13pm

a tightening, a closing up, my throat constricts
not so that i cannot breathe, but i cannot sing
and what then, i ask you, what then can i share?
how then can i, when i have yet to learn to dance?
i would say i am working on my dance moves,
but there is only so much practicing i can do
before i get tired or hungry or anxious.
there is this desire, i want to say i am this desire
but it is still unsettling to find myself so transient,
turning from one body to another, arousing
this image and that, this momentary feeling bleeding
into the next, but only the condition; unsettling,
yet i have also been waiting a long time to find myself
so libidinous. i've been wondering where it is,
and now there is this tightening in my throat
when thoughts stray too far from my attention;
then i wonder: what is it? the first time i felt this
constriction, i took it for an allergic reaction, and
it still may be, but when i felt the swallow squeezed
i couldn't sleep, but slid out of bed to my guitar and found
i could not sing. the anxiety, the reaction, melted
in the sad terror of my first confrontation
with the possibility of losing my voice. now that i have it,
now that i've forged it through the depths and deaths
of my history and mystery, now that i can sing,
now i lose this treasure -- to what? for what?
i tried to force it, but all that force welled up
to push out tears. days passed and when my voice returned
i couldn't help but sing my song with hesitance,
as once i hesitantly crawled out and taught myself to sing
out of nothing, out from nothing. and in my lofty talk
i know there is much substance, rooted in the wisdom
i've gained through every struggle, in all i've let so few
slip by unnoticed; yet there is a hidden sad in all my lofty talk,
not only that there's so much more to let go,
but also that in so much wisdom and joy, still
there is so much pain; there is a hidden sad,
hidden by my voice, a hidden sad waiting to be sung.

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RELATIONAL LAW: IF YOU CAN’T BE VULNERABLE, YOU CAN’T BE INTIMAT

Submitted by Om Effortlessly... on Sat, 04/04/2009 - 9:41am.

The greatest vulnerability is silence. That my friends are resisting meditation notwithstanding, I find so many are also resisting intimacy, as if intimacy is so foreign, so unfamiliar to them. Is there a relationship between meditation and intimacy, sitting in the silence of one’s being and sitting in the heart of another’s? Or letting the other sit in yours? Meditation is intimate, for sure, though for sure everyone who meditates is not necessarily relationally intimate. In fact, meditation, like any activity, can be defensive, as well. But, there is a connection between meditation and intimacy. My capacity to sustain silence and the mental noise it gathers strengthens my ability to tolerate and even hold, not only mine, but the mental noise of others. Meditation not only strengthens, but it also softens how I hold noise. Noise is the mental chatter, the intrusive feelings, thoughts, and images that seem to threaten the integrity of my “ordinary” state of cohered chaos and the identities that form around them. And, believe it or not, all identities engender sufficient chaos to resist or destroy intimacy because they engender the tension of identity’s opposing representation. For example, my masculine identity is constantly fighting its desire for power, distance, isolation, competitiveness, those masculine qualities we associate with being “male.”

From the level of perception, meditation is an opening, a view with a view that increasingly expands and thus loosens the perceptual grip of that which we hold on to: self, other, beliefs, fantasies, anxieties, fear. And from the level of conception, language, meditation opens the heart and mind to new possibilities regarding the interpretations we impute onto our perceptions; for example, the (mis)understandings of who we think we are and what we think reality is. Imagine, for example, a blank screen in front of you. Let’s call it your perceptual field. Now, take an image, something you are persistently worried about. See how it fills your screen, how big and overwhelming it is. Feel the knot in your stomach. Now, imagine, through your mind’s eye, the perceptual field expanding. What you are now seeing is that the image is beginning to shrink. And, as it shrinks, it begins to lose its power and, indeed, its “reality.” What you were worried about literally changes just by adjusting your perceptual field. Now, here’s a paradox. In the same field, place the feeling of comfort in the form of a healing light. Let it fill your screen. Now, again, expand the perceptual field. What happens is that the light not only doesn’t shrink, it actually expands with the expansion of your view. Why is that? That is because the healing light is consciousness itself, the pure awareness “beyond” your screen, beyond the perceptual field of your consciousness. We might metaphorically call it the original light of being, the originary intimacy that seeks form in human consciousness.

What are the basic (non-negotiable) relational needs that meditation addresses and subtly cultivates? I asked one of my friends to come up with four. After struggling for quite some time, together we formulated: 1) safety. This includes TRUST. If I feel safe I feel calm. I feel present. If I don’t feel safe I feel anxious; 2) respect. As a human being. You don’t have to agree with or even like me, but you have to respect me. 3) recognition. I feel seen by you. You get me. Understand me. This is not about disconnected idealization. It’s about connection. 3) I feel heard. There is empathy. You can FEEL what I’m saying. 4) responsibility. You are responsibility and therefore responsive to the relationship. You have the ability to respond to all aspects of the relationship because we are adults.

What insight-focused language does, through a constructive and reconstructive process, is to bring order, indeed, a new order to one’s reality, which includes the capacity to constantly question one’s new order in order to (re)form the evolving self. This is strictly the self side of the therapeutic process. But, the self side is also constituted in the relational, in relationship, and so must also develop the relational attributes of self, in the same way the relationship must nurture and nourish the self side of relationship, the individual. Meditation doesn’t only include both “sides” of consciousness – self and relationship – it simultaneously raises both sides to deeper levels of awareness that further cultivate the very needs both self and relationship need to flourish. And the greatest need of all: intimacy. Meditation is intimacy in its highest form and so has the capacity of deepening one’s relational capacities. And it all begins with just 5 minutes. And in the cradle of silence.

A LIMITATION OF BUDDHIST VISUALIZATION AND OTHER PRACTICES

Submitted by Om Effortlessly... on Sun, 04/12/2009 - 10:54pm.

Before posting these following thoughts on the limitations of Buddhist visualization practice, I would like to invoke the Dali Lama, who once stated that “an important basis for dialogue is to understand the motivation that we bring to it…. What will be the outcome in fifty years from now? Will it have a positive benefit in the world? The other consideration is what is in your heart…What is your deep motivation, quite apart from the long-term consequences?” I have thought about this quite a bit because, despite the fact that I am neither a Buddhist nor an expert on Buddhist teachings, I have such a deep admiration for Buddhist philosophy and the teachers who have dedicated their lives to cultivate compassion for all beings, without exception. The living Dalai Lama also embodies the necessity of self-interrogation and deep inquiry into the very tradition and beliefs that we all practice and hold to be true. In short, we must question that which we follow, that which guides our truths. And to this end, I would like to offer some suggestions to Buddhist teachers with the hope that Buddhism’s continued collaboration with Western psychology and philosophy of mind results in the alleviation of suffering for all beings.

One of the most sane, wise, and eloquent contemporary Buddhist writers, Matthieu Ricard (author of `The Quantum and the Lotus’), in an essay from the book, `The Dalai Lama at MIT,’ states,

“When we are attached in different ways to the phenomenal world, and attached also to ourselves and our ways of relating to others, we end up with a certain perception of our body, our name, our mind, the various things that we believe characterize ourselves , the I…. Generating mental images is one way to remind ourselves of – or bring ourselves closer to – what Buddhist believe to be the true nature of mind [(“luminous aspect of mind”: a pure cognitive faculty that is free of any mental constructs or images”)]. Under normal circumstances, most of us are constantly following a deluded chain of thoughts, each associated with a charge of attraction or repulsion that in turn gives rise to further such experiences, until the mind is completely invaded and enslaved by disturbing thoughts. If, however, we can harness this constant movement of the mind and turn its attention to something that will slowly bring us back to our true nature, we may be able to break out of that process.

To achieve this purpose, we [Buddhists] use images with symbolic meaning. For instance, we know that we have two arms that we use for different activities. We can play badminton with them, which is a fine thing to do, but it’s also a limited use of our arms. So to extend our sense of possibilities, we visualize a particular deity, using representations that may seem strange – four or more arms, or three heads. In so doing, the point is to remember and focus on the meaning of the image. Two arms in Buddhist thinking represent the pairing of wisdom (the understanding of reality) and compassion (the expression of wisdom). Four arms symbolize boundless love, boundless compassion, boundless rejoicing, and boundless equanimity….

In a way, doing this task may seem somewhat artificial and to be taking us even further away from reality. But in fact we are trying to transform our perception of the world from a delusional perception into one that constantly reminds us of the basic quality of pure awareness when it is free from obscuring emotions.” (italics mine). “Buddhist Perspectives on Mental Imagery,” p.72-73.

Visual imagery or visualization is a powerful practice for loosening up knotted or fixated perception greatly because the feelings that bind perception are attenuated. Developing attention, focus, and concentration, in addition to the process of reminding, and expanding one’s imaginal capacity all provide the cognitive factors necessary for penetrating these hardened reifications we call delusions, erroneous beliefs based on invalid perceptions. And yet, perhaps the most important aspect of visualization necessary for transformation is understanding: “To achieve this purpose, we use images with symbolic meaning.” The “symbolic meaning” of Buddhist teaching is the very foundation of understanding the conceptual mind and ultimately one’s true nature which, according to Buddhism, is empty of inherent existence. It is also considered a teaching of highest moral and ethical value (what we call value-centric) and determined by the essential nature of emptiness (the interconnectedness of all phenomena) and dependent origination (the co-arising of all phenomena).

And so, simply stated, the prolonged practice of visualization helps to subvert delusional thinking. But, the overarching question is to what extent can Buddhist visualization practice alone help to subvert the delusions that plague the western mind, the ways of being and (mis)understanding, which are deeply embedded in a cultural materialism and consumerism that engenders rigid dualistic thinking, hyper-individualism and hyper-independence, authoritarianism, hyper-intellectualism (language-laden), a strange mix of scientism (deluded reason) and fundamentalist religious views (deluded belief), and repression based greatly on intractably codified moralistic value structures regarding rules, roles, and reality? I raise these larger, cultural issues because they necessarily find their representations in the individual mind as highly dense, reified forms. They also reflect the complexity of Western culture and the complications of the Western mind.

My main concern with Buddhist visualization practice is a concern I have with applied Buddhist teaching in general, that is, appearing to have a limited penetration into the western mind. As a spiritual practice, I find Buddhist philosophy potentially powerfully transformative, yet I believe it could be a much greater vehicle for transformation when integrated with a psychoanalytic process of self-inquiry. I say “a” psychoanalytic process because it doesn’t assume that there is one psychoanalytic school. In fact, I am not referring here to the psychoanalysis laden with a modernist frame and posing as a modern science – “professionalized, standardized, technocratic.” The psychoanalytic inquiry I refer to is one that cannot be fully articulated because, much like its ancient ancestor, Indian philosophy and, specifically, Advaita Vedanta, this psychoanalysis is what we call “negatively dialectical:” through its method, it deconstructs the very acts of establishing authoritative rules of (cultural and psychological) meaning and works through the repetitions of the psychological patterns we call symptoms and character formation, without ever claiming to “arrive” at a fixed truth. In this way, its method converges beautifully with the philosophical and theoretical framework of Buddhist practice. I call this convergence of psychoanalytic inquiry and Buddhist thought “praxis.”

As primarily a phenomenology, Buddhism is a sophisticated philosophical and theoretical framework for thinking about mental experience and, most important, crosses the bridge between the ethical ideals of philosophy and practice in how Buddhists design their daily lives personally and relationally. However, though Buddhism does have a “nuanced taxonomy of inner life,” it speaks little of the developmental, affective, motivational, and relational mechanisms of mental experience. These mechanisms together represent the raison d'être of psychoanalysis.

Both Buddhism and psychoanalytic inquiry “unlayer” consciousness. Yet, psychoanalytic inquiry argues that the key is in understanding how the layering was originally formed. No amount of visualization or even meditation alone can provide that insight. It’s true that the insight initially strengthens the self, but this strengthening of self is a necessary precursor of a more thorough practice of self-dissolution, not only because it stabilizes mind and fortifies its reasoning capacity, but it also provides the self-esteem and confidence to further penetrate the cultural mind pulling at its strings. According to the Dalai Lama, “although [Buddhists] reject the premise of an intrinsically real self, it seems that a positive sense of self is required in order to have strong self-confidence. An afflicted sense of self is much more constricting and delusional. Likewise, we speak of two types of desire: a positive, constructive one, which is nondelusional, as well as afflicted desire. The Buddhist tradition recognizes that at the beginner’s stage, practitioners can even have spiritual states of mind, such as compassion, devotion, or faith that are inspired by grasping at self or ego.” P174 Indeed, the “I” of self and language are what seem to mark the Western mind’s signification of reality and that is where the therapeutic aspects of psychoanalytic inquiry create a bridge between the self and no-self at the heart of Buddhist teachings.

In Buddhism, there is not a comprehensive theory of self based on motivation, affects and development. Its brilliance is rooted in its phenomenology and philosophy of mind and consciousness and their relationship to morals and ethics. The integration of clinical theory and Buddhist philosophy therefore provide the most comprehensive system of self inquiry and spiritual practice.

The Buddhist has awareness of mind but not necessarily self awareness within a psychoanalytic context of unconscious motivation. The Buddhist approach to developing skills necessary for transforming negative emotions reflects its relatively narrow philosophical and theoretical focus. For example, according to Georges Dreyfus, at “the heart of Buddhist practice is the development of metacognitive skills that allow us to first notice this reaction [to an external event] and then channel the energy in a way that doesn’t lead us to be carried away by these negative emotions.” P156 And the Buddhist, Alan Wallace, states, “The whole point of [Buddhist] training is to try to act on the moment when that chain reaction begins. There are many ways to do so. You can use antidotes. When the thought of anger arises, at that same moment you try to introduce a thought of patience, or compassion, or loving-kindness, because you can’t have both the wish to harm and the wish to love at the same moment, toward the same object.” P. 159

This Buddhist approach to deluded thinking seems similar to Western cognitive-behavioral approach to, what in the West we call “mental disorders.” In a dialogue with Mathieu Ricard, the psychologist Richard Davidson argues, “One of the challenges that we face in the West in this [emotional] domain, as well as in the treatment of patients with mental disorders, is determining which individuals would benefit most from which particular practices, treatments, or training. Ideally, we would be able to learn something about a person that tells us whether a particular kind of training would be appropriate for that person before she actually begins it.” Ricard agrees: “Indeed, we say that we should first attend to whichever of the mental afflictions is stronger. That is the main task. Whether someone is more prone to anger or to craving, we should first concentrate on that particular afflictive emotion with antidotes and other means. That’s why this is said to be a very flexible approach that depends on each and every individual nature and disposition.” The 84,000 entries into the Buddhist path that Ricard speaks of refer to “methods used to transform the mind.” p. 161

But, in accordance with this “approach,” I argue that we must first be keenly aware of the individual complex identity or person these methods are used on, not just their “dispositions.” Interestingly, my concern regarding Western psychological approaches to clinical treatment are similar. Behavioral and cognitive therapies, for example, provide highly effective techniques for treating specific “disorders” but may fail to understand the human being whose meanings, or even genetics or brain functioning unwittingly created the disorder. Psychoanalytic inquiry might not merely attempt to extinguish negative afflictive emotions or replace them with positive non-afflictive emotions; it developmentally and comprehensively explores the layers of suffering from top to bottom – for example, fear, shame, anger, hurt, sadness – with the ultimate understanding that, in the heart of sadness is joy, the joy of letting go.

Both Buddhism and psychoanalytic inquiry seem to agree that “ordinary people have so little insight into the sources of their own well-being and happiness.” But, Buddhism challenges these limitations far more than the West. For example, the consumerist mind of Westerners is conditioned to believe that 1) transitory pleasures should last, and 2) maximizing consumption will bring happiness. These beliefs lead to the types of attachment that very clearly cause suffering. In the contemplative tradition of Buddhism, the antidotal practices to address these unhealthy beliefs are much more developed (if the West in fact even recognizes the inherent pathology of these beliefs). Further, the states of emotion that arise out of long contemplation, like compassion, have qualities that are anomalous to Western cognitive scientists. “Through this contemplation is generated what to Western cognitive scientists appears as an anomaly. Buddhist cultivation of attention, for example, leads to a high level of alertness accompanied by happiness and profound calm, relaxed and serene.” (Daniel Gilbert). This “anomaly” engenders deep cultural (and ideological) differences between eastern Buddhists and Westerners, and therefore the “I” or self of the Western mind that the Dalai Lama refers to, needs more attention and a more comprehensive understanding in terms of reaching what Buddhist principles speak to.

In summary, here are some observations from working closely and intimately with people for 20 years, some of who have been Buddhist practitioners, Western contemplatives, or secular meditators like myself. In a complex Western life, crossing that bridge from developing self-awareness to a deeper contemplative practice can feel immeasurably (and interminably) far away. A response from some of my Buddhist friends suggesting the need for more practice or finding a teacher may be true, in one sense, but unhelpful in another, for it fails to grasp the psychological complexity that I am referring to. Making a commitment to drastically change one’s life mostly happens over a very long period of time. What people need is an intermediate process from which to cultivate self-awareness, a healthier awareness of self, and one more closely aligned to the dualistic mind of conventional reality. Otherwise, the nondual principles of Buddhism feel sterile and abstract. For example, when faced with personal crisis or relational conflict, merely pointing out the “three poisons” of ignorance, anger, and craving and trying to guide someone through their delusions while stressing the need for compassion, potentially ends up feeling unhelpful at best and misattuned at worst.

Further, without understanding the complex patterns and origins of deluded thinking (e,g., with its connection to emotion, development, and motivation) likely leads to a continuous repetition of the same pattern of living and relating to the world. My experiences with Buddhist teachers have been, in some ways, the most profound in my life, and yet I found myself feeling frustrated and sad because opportunities for reaching more people were lost because the teachers and long-term members of the community often ignored the immediate psychological and emotional needs of particularly Western newcomers to the world of Buddhism. A teaching on compassion needs to be accompanied by a reaching out and inquiry into the psychological needs of students trying to understand it. A better understanding of psychological principles would better integrate the wisdom of these teachers into the actual lives of individuals who are seeking the healing that comes from wisdom-based community.

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Submitted by Emily on Sat, 04/04/2009 - 11:16am.

empty post.

A NEW FILM ABOUT MEN AND HUMANITY: `SOLO GOODBYE’

Submitted by Om Effortlessly... on Sun, 04/05/2009 - 10:05am.

From the double-coded title of Ramin Bahrani’s film, Solo is a Senegalese man with a beginner’s mind. He is open, curious, trusting and desirous of intimacy. Solo is all about learning and is studying to become a flight attendant, a good father, a good citizen, and responsible to those who are in need. Solo also has a uniquely “other” attitude and understanding of male intimacy. Other than the bifurcated gendered normative American male representation. Solo appears sexist in how he talks about women as objects. He loves big “booties” and unwittingly separates out responsibility and loyalty. But, in his mind (and perhaps this is culturally determined), the family comes first in terms of emotional and practical support. In this way he is responsible for his family. There is less of a sense of individual in Solo’s world and we can see this clearly in how he assimilates much of the multiple aspects of American culture, yet with the infusions of his native African meanings. It makes for a most beautiful and colorful mosaic of meaning and behavior that creates an unusual intimacy and community but also gets him into trouble.

When, in the film’s opening, Solo, a cab driver in Winston-Salem, NC, makes a deal with one of his customers, an older Southern white man, to drive him to Blowing Rock, a mountain peak far from the city, it becomes almost immediately clear that this man might be going to end his life. As Solo enters onto a journey to save this man, the rest of the film seems to transport us to a small village in Senegal as Solo’s cultural meanings almost completely override the physical location of the film. I say this because the way Solo enters into relationship, particularly with another man, feels so foreign, so “un-American.” The highly individualistic, competitive, alienated and alienating, aggressive male of American culture seems to completely resist the type of fraternal bonding that Solo, at least ostensibly, represents. Or, at least he represents it cinematically to where the contrast is stark. When Solo asks the old man, “William, why wouldn’t you talk to me, I tell you everything, I have been completely honest with you?” we are struck by how strange it sounds in its vulnerability. William proceeds to tell Solo to “Get the fuck out of my life” and punches him in the face. Solo, a bigger man thirty years younger could have physically retaliated but did not. His aggression was subordinated by his respect for the older man. His vehicle for conflict resolution is words and demonstration of his loyalty, aspects of relating alien to the old man (though we get to see the degree to which the older man’s personal vulnerability is concealed, hidden in a small notebook he journals). The difference between these two men is striking and held in sharp relief when we consider that Solo (whose name means “alone”) is the “foreigner.” In fact, it is the American who is alien in his own world, psychologically, socially, and spiritually. Though we know little about William, what we do know is his virtually complete self-imposed isolation and self-annihilating impulse. There are those moments of opening we typically see in the American male, but the quick withdrawal and inability to sustain closeness is the tragic outcome of a culturally determined fear-based territorialism. As William makes clear, “Stay the fuck out of my things and leave me alone.”

Another story -

Submitted by Emily on Sat, 04/04/2009 - 11:15am.

So much to reach and catch up with and I will, I will. Thanks you Megan for your note. One more story before I settle down to read Om’s and Noah’s post.

I am deeply moved by my experiences at Joseph’s House. I almost have to choose what to process and what to let go of for fear I might be swallowed in the swirl if I attempt to take it in all at once. I think there is a learning curve here, requiring more solitary time, more time on the cushion, to ease into the process without the racing of emotions. There is intensity and ordinariness to my time at Joseph’s House. Death is ordinary and it is extraordinary. Death is life affirming and sorrowful. The depth of the sorrow is a measure of the life lived, of the love felt and extended. All emotions blend together; there are no boundaries, just experience.

This week the twenty eight year old woman who I wrote briefly about died. I arrived at the house just as the funeral home was arriving to take her body. Upstairs in her room, the staff, volunteers, and another resident, an older woman from Cameroon who is getting better (and will perhaps return home to her country soon) all gathered in K’s room to say goodbye. We stood around the bed. The woman from Cameroon, began to sing, some beautiful hymn whose words and melody were easy to join, and we sang and sang, calling out to K and wishing her farewell. We sang as the funeral people gathered K’s body into the bag. We followed the body down the stairs, outside onto the street, singing. As we were coming down the stairs from the front porch to the street we realized that the funeral home people had not zipped the body bag all the way and left K’s face and head to the light. It was a purposeful action on their part. They, too, had surrendered to the moment. People on their way to work, walking their dogs, moved past us on the sidewalk as we were singing and looked at us, then at K, then back at us. Some fell silent. Some whispered to their walking mates. It was the most humbling experience, honoring death in the continuing movement of life, in rush hour: on the sidewalk with a group of people: women, men, young, old, white, black, singing, bidding farewell, death not hidden! death, a part of the rhythm of early morning on a busy, beautiful, urban residential street.

INTIMACY AND THE GARDEN

Submitted by Om Effortlessly... on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 12:00am.

This fragrant spring day reminds me that I will soon give my hands and heart to the earth again. I am a gardener yet have not gardened since 1999, when I sold my Mattituck home. I have cultivated the mind quite a bit but not the garden. My heart is starting to smile, I can feel it. And this new canvas soon to be called my landscape is 16 times the size of my last garden! I don’t need to tell you how exciting that is. There is also a large track of farmland abutting my property which, at some future time I hope to purchase, to begin a small organic farm. Is this my childhood “Mother Earth News” dream coming true? Having grown up in the city, when I bought my Mattituck home, it was the first time I owned a lawn. I could still smell the freshly mowed grass the first time I took the mower out. My mower. I cried. When I graduated high school, I entered into a forestry program, but never finished. I wasn’t yet able to wrap my mind around the dream. The closest I came to "living" nature was my mother’s house plants and occasional visits to parklands. When out in nature, I felt both at home and terribly lost.

But, then, fifteen years later, in Mattituck, I bought my first home on a half-acre of an old Native American settlement across from an inlet. Twelve garden rooms, a pond, a pool, a grape arbor; vegetable and herb gardens later, I was in the swing of my karmic destiny as a “real” gardener, an artist of the garden, living in the visual language of color, line and perspective. Two of my loves came together in one practice: art and gardening.

As I said, that was 10 years ago. Little did I know it would take this long to create a new “canvas.” It’s been a tough 10 years with each season leaving a pang of loss. So long I in fact resigned to the idea that my gardening days were over. My sitting practice had taken a more serious turn; the thought being that the more formal aspect of sitting was to occupy most of my time.

And now, to my surprise, in a few weeks, I will have 8 acres of canvas at my fingertips. For the past few weeks when the reality arose that I again would be a homeowner, as with my last canvas, mind has been prodigiously performing the prep work of design. The design and gardening books are out again, I’m purchasing gardening equipment and making hundreds of layouts in my mind of how I imagine the landscape to form; and each breath of creative output is opening again the joy of giving birth to a sacred space of life. It seems like I have lost some time but I really haven’t. This new landscape will bring the deepest layers of my meditation practice with it. Each moment my fingers enter the earth, I will be reminded that I am grateful to be alive so that I can cultivate, not only soil, but compassion for all beings, without exception. Each new plant will remind me that I am bringing a new breath to this suffocating planet, and each fruit and vegetable I harvest will remind me of the delicate balance of this life that, when properly cared for, will bring abundance to everyone who participates in it. The abundance of intimacy.

Meditation On The Garden

Behind the logged back fence, wild flowers

like speckled hands wave willfully,

silently calling the bees -- baskets

emptied of seed. I planted strawberries

today below the grapes, the green curling

tongue of vines stretching out against the fence.

From day to day the leaves widen, the brackets

of plants like children push upward

spreading out arms to air

while clinging restlessly to earth.

So frail the balance of need and growth.

The beds are cleaned, the fruit trees pruned.

The fields of grass slowly climb to meet

like green sea my weathered hands. I rest.

I find myself lost in evolution

somewhere between cell and universe

shifting between broken rock

and the scent of a new day;

between light and the muffled voice

of a cat bird shuffling alone

near the brush behind the black pine.

I glance at the foot of the shed

and the roses just planted.

One day they will climb

and clamber toward the bending eaves

and roof to reach the plump apple and pear;

and I will participate in their climb

like a parent leaping beyond his own breath

beyond even the trace of sensation

to a feeling something like peace.

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