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they told us to bring along a bathing suit and some beat up old tennis shoes-- you know, for the hot springs. hot springs? yeah, well, hot springs in Antarctica. okay, so i brought the shoes and the bathing suit. then after our not-too-rough Drake Passage we were surprised to see, off on the foggy horizon, our first glimpes of icebergs! we had seen albatross during the crossing, and as the petrel grew in numbers, the albatross diminished; now we were even seeing a few rockhopper penguins, or maybe gentoos-- they were far off. and finally the icebergs. oh, how we gasped, and pointed, and smiled-- we grabbed our cameras and took photos of the hardly visible white specks on the cloudy, gray horizon. of course, we knew that in a matter of hours we'd be among the ice giants, but we were giddy. hey-- most of us had never seen any icebergs before.

we thought we were especially lucky because we were arriving to the peninsula a full day earlier than scheduled. well, if the luck had ended there we would have been thrilled; soon enough we were there-- out among icebergs, glaciers, and snow-topped islands. i stepped out onto the deck and sat down, not too many people were out at just this moment. someone mentioned spotting a whale far off. i looked starboard, and suddenly about a hundred meters away a humpback leapt out of the water, and fell back in with a splash. "my welcome," i thought. well, again, if the luck had stopped there...

soon enough the deck was flooded. everyone was excited to look around at our new landscapes... but even better was our unexpected welcoming party: dozens of killer whales. they were on all sides of our ship, some within a few meters, some further off; some alone, others in small groups. a few humpbacks came a bit closer to the ship to join the welcome, too. hell, surely we had used up all our good luck by now!

then the clouds parted, and the sun came out. it hardly went away the entire trip (and i mean it hardly went away-- the further south we went, the longer the days, until eventually we watched what i've dubbed the "sunsit:" it swoops down, hangs out for a bit, and climbs back up.) we arrived at our first landing, on Deception Island. to begin to explain how beautiful the tens and tens of thousands of gentoo penguins were, literally spanning the entire landscape (there was a valley surrounded by high steep hills-- the penguins scale the steep walls despite their short legs, because it results in stronger bred young) ... well, it would be hard to begin that and ever end up telling the story i mean to get to...

so after returning to the ship from our landing on the outside of Deception Island, which is a still active volcano which has filled up with water, we sailed around into the crater of the island itself, where the supposed hot springs of Antarctica are sometimes to be found. it turns out "sometime" is on very, very low tide; and it turns out that very, very low tide hasn't really happened much these last, oh, fifteen years or so. because the volcano is still active, sometimes, when the tide is low, the heat rises in steam, which warms up the water to reasonable dipping temperatures. well-- it turns out it was high tide when we got there, and the water was 29 degrees (salt water freezes at a lower temperature than fresh water.) so they said, "well, if anyone still wants to go in, they can try the polar plunge." so i put on my bathing suit, and then a few layers, and hopped on a zodiac to shore thinking, "shit-- am i gonna?"

when i got to shore the first person was running and splashing into the water-- and then returning to the land to be toweled off by those nearby. then the next went in and came back out, then two more. by this time i had my clothes off and was standing in the brisk but surprisingly comfortable air. i was next in line (there weren't quite a dozen of us), and i decided i'm just going to jump in, and come right back out again. i liked this plan, and stuck to it. i ran with all my might out as far as my quickly frozen feet would take me, and then plunged full body under the water. for just an instant i was submerged, and the only thing i could think was-- "this is so refreshing!" i swear- it felt really terrific. i would have stayed in for a moment, but other than my upper body, there were two drives that brought me back up above the water nearly as quickly as i had gone under: my plan, and my feet. the plan was a good plan, and i'm glad i stuck to it. as for the feet-- well, my body felt cooled and refreshed, but my feet felt numbed and beaten. running back to shore was a chore for the feet, but i did it with a smile on my face (and i've the film to prove it.) and when i was asked how it was i said, "great!"

and it was. very cold; and great.

Emily, thank you for sharing Strider with me.  I send you light and prayers for guidance.  Your heart is so big and both your compassion and Strider will tell you when it’s time.

There is no question that my caring skills came from my dogs.  I’ve had over 20 dogs during my life and I used to be a rescuer (I couldn’t save Iris, by the way, but she was a plant and my mother :)  my pets have helped me to love more, care more and develop a deeper understanding of loss.  My first dog, Patches, when I was 6 and in first grade, was killed by a motorist because my older brother let her off the leash.  I was so crushed I was unable to sing the National Anthem the next day at school.  All I could do was cry.  But, it wasn’t all loss.  One of my other dogs, an older poodle I had rescued when I was a teenager, named Moulin a Parole, walked away with my condom in her mouth the first time I was about to have sex.  I imagined she disapproved.  Weaser used to come with me everywhere until, one day he jumped through the window of my car and was hit badly by a car.  I picked him up, carried him back to the car and found a vet.  I had to make at that early time the biggest decision of my life, to euthanize him. 

I lived in Queens at the time I had Sammy, the German Shepard I saved from abuse.  She was a bit brain-damaged and used to walk into doors.  But, I loved her.  We would go to Memorial Park every night for a run with at least 25 other dogs.  What an amazing sight watching the dogs play.  So civilized.  And I got pretty lucky too.  Women love dogs. 

 See my first, and best dog, Hoke.

Dagney T

Thanks so much for your story about Curly.

I have a graveyard in the park behind my house of my cats and my front yard has a parrot, lots of guniea pigs, and a fish here or there.  The loss of my first parrot was horrible.  I didn't realize at the time that non-stick pans were toxic to them.  My parrot was on my shoulder in the kitchen when a pot I had on the stove started to burn.  Within two minutes my bird was dead. 

The loss of a dog is like losing a dear friend.   My teacher told me about how he coped with the loss of his most beloved dog.  He had him cremated and then took his time over the course of many months, taking the ashes to the various places that he and his dog loved to walk or run.  I find that story so comforting that I know, when the time comes, I will do the same.

Gosh, I can't believe I am writing such sad things tonight.  I should be kicking up my shoes or just sitting quietly trying to center myself.  It's been an off night.  But I was glad to see you name - it's been awhile.  Plus, you made me remember an  old friend who had a pug.  I was at her house  when there was three week old litter.  I remember being amazed by the sound of their breathing.

 I love that you're studying sanskrit, James! I can totally see you loving it.

What an amazing language.  So near the mother of our Indoeuropean tongues.

If you're ever interested, they also do free sanskrit up at the Ananda Ashram (about 45 minutes north of th city in Monroe, NY), using mantras and devotional hymns as the base from which to study, which I think is pretty cool because you are learning root sounds and their complex meanings along with their relation to cool vedantic philosophy.  

You get "bija" (seed) and "mantra" (man = mind; tra = crossing/bridging)...

yummy...

Do you have a translation for this song you posted in Icelandic?

i had just that experience while sitting on the shore of Jenny Island. we spent the day going to different places in Marguerite Bay, and this lovely view was what we feasted our eyes upon during a stroll on the beach just after breakfast. Jenny Island is a small and seldom visited Island off the coast of the much larger Adelaide Island. While lounging with the lazy moulting elephant seals (a few of which, as you can see in the photo, decided to go for a slow-paced dip) we looked across at the mountains of Adelaide. after nabbing a few photos, i drifted to a quiet spot, stripped off my heavy parka, and soaked up the unlikely sun. one adélie penguin-- seemingly lost!-- navigated carefully through the piles of enormous seals and paused for a moment not too far from me before scurrying off. a baby seal slept soundly in a little bed of rocks; a few adolescents in the shallow water just off-shore play fought, eventually slumping off to relax some more; and another nearby began to shift around. i glanced over and watched this seal shift up to a large, flat rock, using it as a makeshift headrest! there was absolutely no wind. it was very odd and lovely weather we had down there. no worries, there's no 40 below on Jenny Island during the summer, Anya! it's ordinarily a bit more frozen and foggy and windy, though. we lucked out immensely. have i told you all about the late night stroll over the frozen ocean yet?

sleep is for the weak.

 Not well rested but who cares?

There's an incredible energy on this blog.

Will we come to rest?

I assume so.

Camilla, Om, Noah, Nadine... Ceili, James, Megan Emily.. and Arnold! Piercing!

I am piercing with Oubenning seeing too and piercing.

What is happening here?

You are my place of reflection and community.

Grazie... no matter how late.  Last night I was up til 4:30am.

 We enter into the context of loss: "Say you've lost a son" and then reparation through recognition: the chant of a Buddhist friend, as deep as she is light, is recognizing and honoring this loss and though the listener may not understand the prayer's words, it doesn't matter; there's a soothing that is speaking to me that this chant knows the pain,

knows all the pain and all loss, and there's something in this universe, some awareness, that holds it all...

And from this awareness, this soothing and simultaneous holding of my loss,I enter into the meditation, There is time, There is time, there is time, words rhythmically bringing us into the chant itself, and conveying us into a memory:

as another

voice enters

and we're in the mind of the 12 year old boy who just lost his father, who is sitting at his father's funeral (and here the jolting... you can imagine how horrendous and terrible this must be for the child, a nightmare, living through...) and we are situated in the church, in a pew, and there's a distance that is immediately drawn into awareness between the boy and the altar where his father's body is carried past him in a box... bizarre and somehow the farthest from intimate (seemingly) images of the Christ on a cross, bleeding, nails piercing.  (And yet this bleeding and nailing enter the poem through the repetition of the word "piercing" later, exposing that the bizarre images did enter into an intimate usage).  There's a strangeness of this environment for the boy as he is participating in the goodbye ceremony for his father.

his father is carried away in a box, where time

worms and hollows out like wind the hole nothing

but air and thirst cry to; 

The image of the worm eating through the cadaver, the fate of the flesh, is not necessarily one that is brought from the mind of the boy but of the poet, the adult man, remembering... he uses its image as a verb now to describe how time "hollows out" an irretrievable and endless, objectless lack.  The loss here doesn't even become a "hole" (which would be a thing) but has no thing to ascribe to it.   "Time worms and hollows out". Basta.  Pure lack, pure thirst.  (Notice that the transition in the sentence from "hollow out like wind the hole nothing but air and thirst to dry to" does not immediately signify the "hole" as something created but as the object of the following verb phrase "air and thirst to cry to"... it's a transition that leaves the "hole" in a dual role of potential object of the first half of the sentence and the longed for object of the second... it's a transition that deprives even the "hole" of a clear role as object of the first half).  The sentence itself leaves us in deprivation of a clear object.  

The hole that is created is nothing but a crying to air and thirst...

What struck me here was that the "thirst" itself could be the only experience of the loss, the only trail of the father left is his absence: the thirst is cried to, to hold onto the father.  So deep is the loss, the way it is described here, that it doesn't even name the form of its succor, its quench.  Just "thirst" to cry to.

and you’re sitting here,

(We are in the present of the adult man, now...)

a nail banging away with words, piercing text

on yellowed paper, replaying the voice

of fate, repaying the debt of what

love once offered; 

Here's a complicated and interesting image... we get the nail banging away with words, it holds a kind of diligent pursuit to tap into (nail) the feeling of loss, but it is itself the loss and so cannot recognize itself.  "Yellowing paper" - how old the trauma, known and sensed as old (I see him perusing old books, as well...) "replaying the voice of fate".. that is, not only replaying the memory of loss but enacting it as the very voice itself.  "Repaying the debt of what love once offered."  The most complicated image.  I think it has to do with the act of holding onto the loss itself, the act of "banging away with words" (this poem), the energy of this is so pure and so present in the poem... in these words, so taut the relationship between the act of writing and the feeling of the loss/anger, so taut you cannot even distinguish between agent and action. (The agent defines himself by the action and in "acting" is affirming his identity: the "agent" is loss in action).  Repaying the debt, in this image, is endless, its an endless search to fill in that "hole" that isn't even a "hole"; it's like a black hole.  Deprivation again.

"the debt of what love once offered"... Love once offered a father and a son, a relationship.  Why is this HIS debt to repay?  The depth of the feeling of loss (and it's fusing with the identity of the agent, the poet tapping into the loss) has obscured the greater relationship that holds the father and son in a context that can forgive the son of his debt, and the father of leaving him. That greater context is found, by the way, by the poet, from the beginning of the poem in the chant, and later... as we'll see... in the meaning awakened (and the sound of the sparrow).

...and you think you’re

drinking away in endless cups, calling to a father

you will never quench and a son you never got

to hold never got to rock

Absence is a presence and the presence is "thirst", that cannot be quenched. Time here (there is time, there is time, there is time, we wont forget) proposes that the loss, the feeling of loss, is the infinite feeling, the one, if there is one feeling under all feelings, that will always be presented to the lips of this poet in endless cups. Loss.  And it manifests again in the loss of his son.  

and you think you never

buried your son, never waved good-bye, and your

arms are dying; 

There is no more painful line I have ever read, ever.

"and your arms are dying"

The same lack of closure, inability to say goodbye, to even hold.  Can I even approach the longing of these lines?  They seem to reach, in endless ache, to an impossibility.  We are in the full paradigm, experience, of loss.  

but the meaning wakes you, echoes

like the tsee-ler of the sparrow in the swallow

of your throat…there is time there is time

But the MEANING wakes you! Ah.  What's this?  The meaning... wakes you!  

The awareness that time heals all wounds?  Not so simple, and yet so simple.

There is a greater holding that recognizes the loss, and in the recognition is the meaning, the meaning is the recognition of the one who FEELS, the feeling of the aching arms that are dying.  Recognizing the feeling, there must be one who feels, a return to the one promise that between feeling and feeler there is the relationship, and under this, awareness.  Echoing... the story echoes in time, held in a consciousness, like the tsee-ler (the sound the sparrow makes), held in a throat, and we return to the beginning, to the sound of the chant:

the hum

around the tongue of wisdom

turns the padme of perseverance

into wine,

a substance that quenches and relieves.  Recognition is this wine, the whole holding, encompassing, being and feeling and loss.  "There is time there is time": the final words of the poem bring us back into the meaning that the chant is pouring into this whole journey-poem, into the loss and pain, quenching sorrow in the awareness that even our greatest pain is held and known, holdable knowable, and so has an end in dissolution.

SAY THAT YOU LOST: a response to Om's "The Last Chants"

Say that you lost a son / And you’re in mourning.

The entire poem is here, in these two lines. There’s that word, “say,” that performs two functions. Upon first encountering the poem it is taken as a command, “Say that you lost a son—imagine it, put yourself in this situation for a moment…” And so I follow along, not taking the command entirely seriously, rather taking it as a kind of entry-point for the storyteller. I use that all the time, when sharing stories, and what it really means is, “Follow along this story with me.” Because I have not lost a son, and I know that you have. “Say that you lost a son / And you’re in mourning.” Okay—I’m with you, tell me how you are feeling in this experience you are sharing. And you do. But then the poem comes to an end and I return to the beginning to read once more, and suddenly I realize that I completely ignored the sincerity of the word “say.” Say that you lost a son—yes, say so. Speak those very words. Say it that you lost a son, and that you’re in mourning. You can no longer deny it by keeping quiet—you lost a son: say so. All of a sudden the mourning becomes. But already the words are revealing their movement, because you’re in morning, too, or any other time it may be—but you are in time. You know you are in time because you are in mourning, and you are painfully aware of time, though perhaps there may be some beauty in time yet.

Go back, sit with it, experience it again. Do not go gentle into that good night. Read, read along with the budding of the Buddhist light.   Say that you lost a son / And you’re in mourning. Do not even stop there—chant it. And let your tears become your prayer beads as you chant your loss. There is time, and some of that time must be spent with these two lines, because they are a poem unto themselves.

And a Buddhist friend… Let us pause here for a moment. Om, we know you are deeply inspired by Buddhist philosophy and practice, so we may pause on this Buddhist friend to acknowledge that this friend is both a human friend, and not a human friend. Because a Buddhist friend as deep as she is light, finding in her chant the meaning of your suffering, is the very chant om mani padme hum; and the very saying the very chanting of it allows for a deep transformation… but it is not so much a transformation, rather it is a recognition of one’s Buddha-nature, it is an attuning to the true nature of things. One thing I love is the way this friendship works. There is no moment that need be declared “sharing.” And a Buddhist friend, as deep / As she is light, finds in her chant / The meaning of your suffering. There is no distance here. You, Om, are there in the very discovery. There is no moment of, “Oh, I have found the meaning of your suffering, would you like to know what it is?” Because this is neither the nature of the meaning of your suffering, nor the nature of the relationship. I will come to the suffering later. As to the relationship: after she finds in her chant the meaning of your suffering, there is a pause, but not a full break… there is a semi-colon;

And you hear the swallow of her throat
as you, along with her, chant your
om mani padme hum.

This is what makes it so absolutely beautiful that the friend is both a friend and the chant itself. The space of the chant is being shared between the two friends so fully that as she finds the meaning of your suffering, you continue to chant hearing the swallow of her throat—this feels like relating to me: the movements in her throat, you hear not only the sounds being chanted, but the passage from which the sounds are formed and emerge. Back and forth, back and forth, through the syllables being slowly carved into the air. But, boy, you sure pack a lot of punch into each word—and I am skipping/missing so much. You hear the swallow of her throat; already we are anticipating the sparrow; and already we are anticipating the meanings of ‘hole’ (which is another meaning of ‘swallow’), and so much more. You hear the swallow of her throat. It seems to pierce through the sound of the chanting for a moment, in the moment you share her finding. It is almost a signifier, a verbal cue that, yes, she is finding in her chant the meaning of your suffering. And then there is the chant itself: you hear the swallow of [the chant’s] throat as you, along with her, chant your om mani padme hum.

Om, this is so beautiful. You are chanting along with the chant itself, and you can hear in the chant’s very vocality as it finds the meaning of your suffering. This is the most beautiful of prayers, because you are not constructing the prayer, you are joining in with the prayer itself, allowing it to guide you through to a greater recognition of yourself. And the hum / around the tongue… the hum around the tongue of wisdom. Here, too, you are yourself the voice of the chant, your tongue allows for the emerging of the sounds, and yet the wisdom speaks itself, as you allow yourself to become attuned with it, to align yourself with the light and depth of your Buddhist friend.

And the hum / around the tongue of wisdom / turns the padme of perseverance / into wine. See, now this does so much for the meaning and the experience of the chant. There is the repetition of the chant; and then there is the body of the chant: its living contours and textures, its present reverberation, its perpetual resonance within your experience. The hum can turn the padme of perseverance into wine because the chant will begin back from the beginning, and also because the chant can communicate with itself; and also because the earlier syllables continue to speak through the proceeding syllables; and, finally, because the past can be transformed…

om mani padme hum, and the hum
around the tongue of wisdom
turns the padme of perseverance
into wine, as the wistful murmurs
of prayer step slow and almost
unencumbered. There is time

Here again we are brought to both the friend and the chant-friend. The wistful murmurs of prayer step slow and almost unencumbered. I can see and hear so many different kinds of steps. The beat of the steps seems to be slowing itself down, yet eagerly anticipating the next beat, the next step. The words… the syllables call for such care and such attention and intent, yet they seem to already be pronouncing the next curve of the tongue, the next swallow of the throat… The healing and heightening wine – just a taste – opens the senses even more fully to the fullness of the chanting. And the wistful murmurs step almost unencumbered. This word is a challenge to me, because I do not want to simplify it, but I do not know how to address it in its full complexity. It is not “almost unburdened,” or anything else, and attention must be paid to this decision. With the word ‘encumbered’ there is a sense of burden, a sense of dead-weight, but there is also a sense of responsibility.  There is this freedom to the very sounds of the chant, this flowing quality, this lack of burden—and yet there is also this small sense of duty, of responsibility. The chant is still pressing onwards, and is still somehow situated, present in the very relationship to its speaker. Your Buddhist friend is deep as she is light, and she, too, is almost unencumbered, because she is still not free of the relationship. But this is not a burden, not a dead-weight, because it is within this relationship that the meaning of your suffering is found… there is something missing in a prayer stepping entirely unencumbered; some disconnect. But here we can view the presence and presents of an almost unencumbered chant. Ah, but it is also encumbered by something else looming overhead… it is not all light… there is perhaps a little burden, too, because: There is time

There is time—this means there will be time, this means there is time enough, this means there must be time waited through, this means that time is, and the past is present in the present, along with the future. There is time…

there is time there is time as another
voice enters the mind of a 12 year old

But already the past is transformed, because this 12-year-old is in a context, and this 12-year-old’s feelings are present in the experience of the… well, of the “you.”  (Why the “you”? Because (say that) you lost a son.  And you lost a father—but that was years ago, and actually distinct from the man who has lost a son, though not separate.) And so both “another voice enters the mind of a 12 year old,” and, “another voice enters: the mind of a 12 year old”

in the dark magic of childhood
sitting in Sunday heat at his father's
funeral in some conjured image of Christ
sweating blood from nails piercing skin
piercing day piercing the aisle's length

This almost evokes for me Milarepa, another Buddhist friend, who realized enlightenment in one lifetime, but who much earlier was convinced by his mother to use black magic to destroy the cruel and greedy family members who had basically enslaved he and his mother after his father’s death. But, of course, we have moved into the world of Christ’s crucifixion. There is so much trouble, here, in the word ‘conjured.’ There is something so troubling in this image of Christ—perhaps it is the way that suffering became something shared between the human and divine realms; the way that suffering became a way into paradise, as opposed to the barring factor.   For the Buddhist friend that there is suffering is a basic truth; but another basic truth is that there is the cessation of suffering. For the follower of Christ, in this 12-year-old’s experience, perhaps there is some sort of grasping at suffering itself, a holding-onto that which makes one analogous to Christ. If this is what this 12-year-old was surrounded by, it is deeply unsatisfying—exactly because the day is so God Damned piercing. The next step has to be taken, because the meaning of his suffering is more than that… As a first step this is perhaps beautiful, but left alone with this conjured image of suffering—God is conjured into the icon, the Church community conspires a take on suffering, the boy is beseeched to admire and follow the example of Christ… the next step has to be taken, piercing the aisle’s length, as

his father is carried away in a box, where time
worms and hollows out like wind the hole nothing
but air and thirst cry to

This line certainly packs a wallop. His father is carried away in a box. There is such loss in these words, the way they stumble over each other, landing on the dagger, no, the cross of box. And then we are given words that seem to wish to point anywhere but to where they point—which is no one place. Where time worms. Worms in the ground; there is time, there is time worming and hollowing out like wind… the hole… That time is doing the worming and hollowing brings us the hole chewed out by the worms. Ah, but there is time. Time to be spent waiting and watching, time piercing. Time walking much too slowly and, yet, much too quickly to the hole in the ground… Oh, and there is time. Time past in the present. Time worms and hollows out like wind the throat nothing but air and thirst cry to.  The once vibrating throat of the father being carried away, and the presently quivering throat of the son watching his father buried; and, oh my, there is time—and the throat nothing but air and thirst cry to, because neither will fill the throat of the son being buried by the now-father.

and you’re sitting here,
a nail banging away with words, piercing text
on yellowed paper, replaying the voice
of fate, repaying the debt of what
love once offered

And here, a nail chisels away the words… what numbers appear on the gravestone of a son you never got to hold? What letters? And the nail merges into the pen, piercing text on yellowed paper. I see so much yellowed paper. I see note-pads, I see old books, I see old newspapers. Is the pen piercing text, or is the text itself piercing? An obituary from many years before? A poem, or a letter, being written (or read)? … and the nail, banging away with words, is also the printing needle, and also the echo, the memory of suffering… and you think you’re

drinking away in endless cups, calling to a father
you will never quench and a son you never got
to hold never got to rock

There is the literal drinking—like that drinking, I know, of the father; and there is the drinking like that drinking in of your Buddhist friend’s presence, only here you are not drinking in, but rather drinking away… “calling to a father you will never quench…” father is both the thirst and the thirsty. Father the human who was buried when his son was 12; father the past; father your new (and lost) state… Calling to a father you will never quench, because there is only the thirst, now. There is such yearning, and so little fulfillment in this drinking away in endless cups. You are drinking away, calling to a son you never got to hold never got to rock; and you think you never

buried your son, never waved good-bye, and your
arms are dying; but the meaning wakes you, echoes
like the tsee-ler of the sparrow in the swallow
of your throat…there is time there is time

Like Caterina I find this to be the most painful of lines: and your arms are dying. I cannot go any further with this line, beyond the way it takes hold of me… I can add no words to these.

Say that you lost a son / And you’re in mourning / And a Buddhist friend, as deep / As she is light, finds in her chant / The meaning of your suffering; / the meaning wakes you, echoes / like the tsee-ler of the sparrow in the swallow / of your throat…there is time there is time

There is time.  The ambiguity of the terms has vanished, as all becomes present in you. The murmuring throat of your Buddhist friend, the throats of your father and son, to which air and thirst cry, the narrow aisle, the swallows in your friend’s throat and in the ground, the different meanings of suffering… these all and more become present in you, in the very chanting, as the meaning echoes in the passage of your throat, in the very passage from which the sounds of the chant are formed and emerge. And as your chant has attuned to the sing-song of the sparrow, you say that you lost a son, and you’re in mourning, and in the final chants, the meaning of your suffering is found; there is time there is time…

--------------------------------------

I could continue to write this response for days, because like the chant, this poem reverberates onward, and proceeds to the beginning… beginning once more, turned into wine by the previous reading. I could move through the opening of the poem in a more terse style, focusing more on concretizing the words chosen, opening up to more and more reaching description as I make my way to the end (essentially switching up the way I wrote this response); and then I can begin once more, teetering in from the opening and closing into a crescendo of piercing at the heart of the response… I could do this because the poem becomes richer the more time I spend with it; but I love beginning my response with more elaborate expression, gradually sinking into a briefer, perhaps more mysterious account of the poem. It seems to me that which is made conspicuous allows for a deepening of that which remains mysterious, and suddenly the mystery becomes more tangible, and as the poem regains the dominant voice, the mystery becomes somehow more awesome and more familiar at once. I think perhaps the meaning is something like that; I think perhaps the awareness is like that…

(I would like to say that I am submitting this before reading anyone else’s thoughts on this poem (part of my process) so I apologize if I am repeating what has already been said.) 

This poem is to be spoken.  It is a chanted prayer.   The awakening here expresses itself in the voice; to me the poem is realized through the penetrative power of the voice to pierce, pierce right into the heart of loss, the heart of suffering, painful as the nails driven into skin, and then purifying. Like the Buddhist chant at its center, it feels almost untranslatable because it is empty; but it can be known and this is why we must speak.

The first word is say (Imagine )that you lost a son.  Yes.  But say.  Say that you lost a son.  Speak the loss.   You lost a son.  I want to live with this line--this first line--not cling to it, but sit with it for a moment: 

You lost your son, Om. 

Or, as a directive:  say that you lost a son--I lost a son.  Do you hear this?  We must enter into this loss first, before we can go on because this poem is about speaking into the depths of loss; and this is a loss vaster than any that I have ever known, but still I have known loss and I think about loss, and I know that I am a son, that I have a father and so I say that you lost a son.  I want to speak your loss.

And you are in mourning

And a buddhist friend as deep /as she is light [gorgeous!]/ finds in her chant / the meaning of your suffering.  Listen to where the lines ask you to let your breath fall.  For me, the enjambment says deep/light/chant/suffering.   We are talking about the meaning found through the chant, the voice.  But what does the chant represent?  Why are we chanting?   We are not trying to be "saved" from this loss.  No, this is a seeking of a truth at the essence of ones being and we can learn to speak this meaning because we are its truth.  The chant seems to be an expression of this true being and she has found it and speaks.  Who is this friend?  She is beautiful.  In the poem she is your guide, your teacher. 

And you hear the swallow of her throat
as you, along with her, chant your
om mani padme hum, and the hum
around the tongue of wisdom
turns the padme of perseverance
into wine, as the wistful murmurs
of prayer step slow and almost
unencumbered.  There is time

The swallow of her throat.  Of course at first I think of the songbird; but also a place in at the back of the throat where we swallow--deep and sacred.  But this word, swallow, is so rich with meaning—the bird of beautiful song and good luck; and to take in through the throat, to consume or destroy.  It means both to accept unquestioningly “I swallowed the whole story” and also to conceal or hold back “I swallowed my feelings”, to meekly accept something “I swallowed your insult,” and to deplete or to engulf.  Finally, I think of the feeling of a deep cry rising up and trying to escape; that full swallowy feeling of grief. How can a loss so great be spoken? 

What an interesting choice, so rich with contradiction—the musical call of song, the sacred place of speaking, the withheld, consumed, engulfed and concealed—all pointing me in, back to the ‘meaning’ held inside of voice itself.  Yes, these murmurs of prayer are unencumbered almost.  This is a poem that speaks its own process.

And the hum: the tongue of wisdom turning the padme of preserverence into wine—loss into awareness, suffering into joy.  The music of these lines, the wisdom creating wine of perseverance in prayer, the slow step of hum murmuring:  Listen to yourself speak this.  It must be spoken because the chant is an act of purification.  And so is time itself.

There is time there is time there is time—and now we are 12 years old and our father has died and we are sitting in church and Christ is up there on the wall, nails piercing his skin and what does that mean anyway, this conjured image of the nails piercing his skin—this is the dark magic of childhood and our great belief has suddenly been ruptured by a greater unknowing, ruptured by loss.  And there is this image of Christ being pierced.  But I am now; I want to pierce that image, to break it open—to wake up from the dream, to purify this past which is rising up in this now, into this loss of a son here, where I am sitting, purifying ignorance and suffering with the chant that is this poem, purifying the past with time, the time that is this now, here, banging away at the past, at the illusion, at the unknowing, at the skin of this loss with the nails that are these words, the nail that is Om’s pen, penetrating the very heart of suffering, banging away at the keys.  I love this poem because it truly contains the story of its own process.  How is it that this poem is?  The poem speaks the question and is its meaning.

And time again, worming and hollowing away the flesh of your father, claiming everything that one could hold, one could drink, one could quench—repaying the debt, trying to fill emptiness beneath this loss .

Calling out in endless cups to a father you will never quench, a son you never got to hold…

and there is only thirst now, only lack, only loss—the loss of this son that you never got to touch, to hold, to kiss:  where does this love go, what has this loss swallowed whole [hole]—it is swallowing you in its hole.  You are trying to hold this loss, this hole, this emptiness and your arms are dying.  They are reaching, grasping, calling to hold your lost son, the love that seems lost, and they cannot hold and they are dying, these arms.  But the meaning wakes you in the echo of the tsee-ler—it is now the sparrow calling from inside the swallow of the throat, inside your swallowing, inside the loss and its holding and its hold. It says: there is time there is time and you are here, we are here.

This voice piercing the image of Christ, piercing the loss and suffering itself, waking itself to its own truth: there is time.  Here is loss pouring out of you in endless cups of love.

I asked myself, Why is this poem called the Last Chants?  It is a chant of becoming.  Yes.  Om Mani Padme Hum  What does it mean to chant?  I don't think it can be translated--the chant, this poem, the experience--because it is not in the words themselves but in the act of our speaking.  The Being that the words point us toward. Loss speaks.  Not to hold, not to swallow, but to speak, to be--what else but love?

 I feel like I read this years ago...

I love #19.

1)  I know Prince Charles is an improvement over George W., but how much?  I can only think of nitwit when I think of him.  And as they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the royal tree.

2)  Also, that dreary weather isn't going to follow us here?  is it?  but then again, with global warming, anything is possible.

3)  Is the Queen ever going to admit to having Diana bumped off because of her partygirl ways?  I mean, if we tell you about JFK then you must tell us about Diana.

4)  In addition, is there anyway you can take back David Beckham and Posh Spice?  They just suck.  She can't sing and he can't play soccer anymore.

5)  Finally, could it be possible to have you replaced by Helen Mirren?  She's much hotter in that motherly kind of way!

to dance.  You give great Limerick, Emily!  Bene! Bene!

true that james, havent we all?

I Lost It Dont mind the visual :/

you reminded me of a song of mine, so i just had to share it... i think i've shared the lyrics here before, but not the music. it's really late, though, so i had to use an electric guitar (which actually sounds pretty nice for this tune, turns out-- i can plug in the electric directly so there's no amplification in the room) and try and keep from singing loudly... but, hey, you get the idea!

giving up control is not so scary, after all
 

when i'm sleeping i find i can.
i have heard the rewards
when i'm sleeping...
 

( on second thought : )
 

i'll be patient for love
i don't think i was taken care of
so i'll be patient for love
 

so far i feel broken
feels like giving away my independence
so i'll be patient for love
 

( on second thought : )
 

giving up control is rather scary, after all
don't think i'll try it on my own

:) i am so glad re-reading these two posts of yours on "giving up," after reading your response to my song (and after writing my own response!), because it all feels so much more fully after sharing; the way the song holds its patience even more beautifully now that it is a responding to your own need for patience. and so on, and so on...

Caterina, I think you should copy this list and send it to every girl mag in the country! 

or boy mag for that matter... If I only had this list in my pocket so many times in the past!  I think it all comes down to compassion, as you know.  Compassion for you and for him.  And gratitude for  1) having opened to the experience and 2) being in a more self-aware place to be able to do that in a real (not romanticized) way.  He clearly didn't have that capacity, or at least not at this time.  Each person we encounter in our lives makes his/her mark on us.  If we pay attention, we can figure out how.

 This fact that you wrote such an amazing list in the midst of this speaks to your awareness.  You are already there. 

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