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Sophie

I'm surprised that no one has commented on this yet!

 

What a stunning photograph. The contrasts alone are enough to chew on for a while. This bright, unavoidable focal point just pulls me forward.

 

I start in such blackness, depth and obscurity. I feel my way along the walls, savoring the textures as if I were blind, counting the vertical lines as I go. At the first silhouetted arch I feel like Alice, staying the same size as the world around me gets smaller. When I finally reach the light I peek out at a scene that, to me, looks a bit like a foggy Stonehenge. There is clarity, with the light, and still there is obscurity.

 

Where have I come from and where am I going?

 

Thanks for this journey, Sophie, I have been dealing with a portal like this one for a little while now.

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Sophie,  I have been staring at your photograph for a few days.   It has been an interesting experience for me.  I don't know if I am walking through the tunnel to  reach something that is waiting for me - the abstract forms at the other side  seem like they could be people coming into focus , or that image in the fog is another journey around or through to reach someplace further.  It is like a riddle, something to just sit with, but whose answer changes depending on my state of mind.

REPLY TO THE TUNNEL: Essence of Wind

My love of photography waxes and wanes. Often I find myself drawn out into frigid winter weather (in only my shorts and bear feet. I do detest shoes as well as pants) or broiling summer to try and "capture" wind. I find myself asking how do I capture wind? I have yet to learn the answer but hope time will allow me to see more clearly. Other times I cannot bring myself to look at the camera that sits on my shelf. My frustration with photography is equaled only by the joy I take from it.
 

 

Your picture makes me want to move my camera from its resting place and begin my war with it, and myself, anew. Inspirational. Thank you.
 

 hey there, Anya

 hey there, Anya. i love this movement... the inspirational, the way it creates this sort of shifting, this unsettling. like the rubble is starting to be upturned :)

 

i would love to see wind captured, so do let me know if you ever find the essence of wind in a photograph; or something similar. it definitely seems worth both frustration and joy to be out in the frozen winter wind in order to take a photo. it seems to be a very organic urge and creative process. i know sometimes my guitar feels completely uncooperative, or my fingers just won't move the right way, or, as has been happening lately, my voice just buries itself in a tiny box and won't come out and play. joy and frustration-- ahh, yes, i think i have a taste of what you're talking about. i love that i can relate to your creative process even though we use such different modes of expression which interact so differently with the world.

James

I will be sure to let you know if I find the answer, though I suspect it will take many years, as all great things do. What is it they say? What worth in there in the product if the journey is not backbreakingly torturous and unforgiving?

 

As to your process, well I would be worried if it were the same as mine, for the same process will yeild the same results. I am afraid our pictures would be dreadfully similar. Thus I would have to take you up on charges, or have words with you, for stealing my process and imitating my art. hehe.

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the energy egg - Electricity consumptions can be a little bit stressful sometimes. There are plenty of ways to reduce the electricity consumptions. In this article I will show you the simplest and easy way to minimize your daily electric consumption. To reduce the consumption of electricity not only save money but nevertheless you’re doing a part to protect the environment.  

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I’ll give you the simplest explanation how electricity help the environment. As we all know and the most common to generate electricity is through coal burning. Coal is a pure carbon and if merge with oxygen this will result to CO2 or Carbon dioxide which has a greenhouse effect. Before anything else let’s start to deal with electricity conservation.

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Last night

 

I am recovering from last night.  My doctor put me on a new medication a week ago for high blood pressure, which is something that I have been chasing since my late thirties. Those damn genes.  It had been almost a week and the medication hadn’t kicked in. Then last night, I got out of bed at 2 am since the dog was scratching to go outside.  I didn’t feel great, but I managed to walk downstairs.  Just as I let the dog out, the world went blank and I hit the floor.   I tried to crawl up the stairs, and hit the floor again – by this time Arn and Anya were awake and running to my rescue.   And damn it – not again, the nose – hit, banged, bruised.   All my life my nose ( besides the heart)  is the part of me that breaks – a baseball bat, a door, a child’s elbow.   It must to be a metaphor for something – a reminder, maybe, breath, breath, breath, remember to love your breath going in and out.  I knew that the medication had kicked in and my blood pressure had bottomed out.  But did it have to take my nose with it?

 

I am fine now.  Doctor and I spoke..   But I hear that wham of hitting the floor in my head like a primal sound.  Afterwards, I bathed my face in ice and breathed good thoughts, healing thoughts.   The color of blood meeting skin adds a little mystery.  I am thinking of telling people that my husband beats me.

 

I have decided that if my nose turns to be larger than before, I will just get breast implants to balance things out.

Em!

I hope you gave it to the floor as good as the floor gave it to you.

 

Seriously, take care of yourself, your voice is special.  And if you think about it, maybe the implants could break the fall the next time.  Extra bouncy!

emily's nose

"I am thinking of telling people that my husband beats me."

hahaha!! i think i only find this so funny because i know you guys a little bit!

but other than this funniness, this is pretty scary stuff. ahh, though it's kinda funny again that the closest i've come to feeling anything like what you experienced last night, was after i had an operation on the insides of my nose!! i had(have?) a deviated septum. when i was three i fell off my bed (which was raised pretty high off the ground) and landed right on my nose. it was a mess, and the doctors said i'd probably have to get an operation later in life, but couldn't just yet because my bones and such hadn't fully developed. my parents never told me i could get an operation... i was unable to breathe out of my nose for about 15 years. luckily the technology had developed far enough that they didn't have to chop my nose open or do any of that muck-- they just went straight through the nostrils and hacked away! i'm finally just about used to breathing out of my nose-- i had to learn how to breathe! it was crazy. so anyway, i haven't gone through nearly as much trauma with my nose as you have with your nose, but i've got my two moments, and the more recent moment followed with a small taste of what you must have experienced last night. in short: i fainted. my blood sugar was low after the operation (anaesthesia, i suppose), and the IV and juice they gave me, i guess, wasn't enough. but they sent me out anywayz. i walked with my mom and her friend towards the elevator, and when it showed up it was full. good thing, too! i started to feel tired, and slid over to a chair. i sunk down into it, and went limp; everything went white, and i felt myself sweating, or at least, i thought i was sweating... but the sweat was cold... the next thing i knew i woke up in a wheelchair with another IV and a juice box in my face. it was weird! i luckily had a chair to slink into, and was in a hospital!! so it turned out to be nothing more than a little scare. so i'm trying to magnify the memory of that experience to something more along the lines of your evening, and i just get a shiver down my spine. i'm sorry to hear about your poor nose! it sounds like it's been through much too much.

Em!

that sounds horrible!  the black out and fall, not the breast implants (you are free to do with your body what you want :) )

You and Arn need to stop this passing out business.  We need you here.

I hope you feel better now and that a balance is reached with your pressure.  you have such a good attitude.  I've been a total crank about my minor dead finger syndrome.

I'm off to Dr. Wu's now to get some Wu-love which will hopefully bring it back to life.  

you should tell people that you joined a fight club and have been kicking ass!

 

soph

when i look at this photo, i wonder whether i'm going to get up and walk out of the tunnel, or if i'm just gonna stay here. i spoke of my "bubble" earlier, and i tend to view this tunnel as a visual representation of my current relationship with that bubble. i am here, inside, and if i want to get to the outside world i can just get up and walk out... but for some reason i stay. it looks to me as though something is keeping me here, some outside force pushing me back, but as can be seen in this photo... the walkway is wide open, except for some clutter scattered here and there. uh oh, am i reading the allegory of the cave into this? i hope not, but it sort of looks like a version of that. shucks. i think the darkness is very beautiful, and the graininess of the tunnel itself. it's a cool piece of architecture, especially when our tunnel and the next tunnel are placed next to each other from this angle. it's like a wave and a hiccough. maybe one of the feelings is, "what's so great about out there?" since it looks like a foggy stonehenge, and all!!! i love that. i'm glad you posted it. we've had so much color on the blog. i just noticed, the outside world, so to speak, sort of looks like the blog... you know, there's this white page, and then there's your photo with all this black and grey, and then right in the center the white comes shining back through. it's like there's a hole in your photo that lets us see straight through to the blog itself !! :)

In-betweenness

I love that this image has the power to draw varied responses from you all. I have never had such an articulate audience before. Your interpretations have informed mine as well. In this photo I am stopped midway through the tunnel. I am approaching the archways. A path leads out and splits into a Y. There is a large sweeping lawn rolling out beyond me, bordered on the far side by woods. I am approaching a place where magic thrives. It is calling out to me. And yet I pause. I steady myself, and reflect on the path that has brought me here, to the edge of the darkness. The light is beckoning to me. Calling me forward. I cannot stand here forever in this in-betweenness. I cannot turn back from the light, the magic, the beauty I know is just across the threshhold. The bubble is in fact beyond the tunnel, waiting to burst with light into the corners of this closet where I've been gathering dust. Here I come.

My four cents about relationships

I believe that  once one stops looking for their needs to be met ( which doesn't mean you don't know what they are) then things come to you.   I don't think this is passive or wishful thinking, but just a letting go.  

I know that I was one of the last people on earth that Arnold thought he would fall in love with.  And if we are being totally honest, he would not have been number one on my dance card based on any list I had devised.   And yet, we recognized our own needs in each other once we had become vulnerable in ourselves.   I don't know if that makes a damn bit of sense.

my twenty cents :P

i think you are maybe talking about a particular kind of "looking for [one's] needs to be met." that's the sense i'm getting from what you're saying... there's this particular kind of looking, or searching, or... maybe some more urgent word... that must be let go in order for one to be open to having one's needs met. something like that. if i'm frantically searching and scrutinizing, perhaps i'll pass all of my opportunities by without so much as noticing them; and when i let this go and, in a sense, give up the need for absolute control, there is an opening up, and there is a new space within, into which relationship can enter. i'm not sure if this is at all what you meant, or if this is making a damn bit of sense... but this is the idea i get when reading your post.

 

and perhaps it's the "looking for one's needs to be met," that is troubling, when put in opposition to, "meeting one's needs." though, this can't be taken to the extreme, either, because i can't just meet all of my own needs, because one of my needs is relationship. but if i am just looking for this need to be met, perhaps that is the passive moment: "someone will come along and save me." so that is part of what i get from reading your post, as well.

 

these two bits are what i read out of the text. what i read into your post is into this parenthetical "(which doesn't mean you don't know what they are)". i find there's a lot of power in awareness. that statement actually makes it sound much less serious than it is. i really find a lot of power in awareness. i don't just think it: i experience it. i've gone through plenty of doing, as you all know. i've done lots of stuff! but the doing is meaningless without observation, awareness, (and knowing, very particularly in the gerund). for example, all the traveling i've done-- for all the beautiful things i've seen, for all the fascinating photos i've taken, for all the memories i've acquired -- all the traveling is basically a series of metaphors. the real doing is the observing, the real going is inward, the real destination is awareness.

 

i've not found it terribly easy to recognize my needs, to realize my needs. these two words are very important: recognize and realize. i especially love realize-- the becoming real. when, for example, i speak about this list (and thanks again to camila!), i want to be very clear that it was not easy to write. i didn't sit down and twirl my hair (though i do tend to do so:) and jot down, "pretty, sweet, likes good music, wants to hang out with me all the time, nice hair." (though these are all very nice things, too... and also needs:):):) this was a pretty arduous process of going into my needs, of discovering what about my relationships has disappointed me. what hurt so bad about my relationship with Dot? she couldn't recognize me; she was terribly inconsistent; she was evasive, elusive, avoidant... i can tell you this now with some ease (and it still stings), but when i was first working on this list it was a big struggle. what do i need? gee- i don't know! that was my first experience.

 

and it has been very easy for me to defer to wants. sometimes these coincide, but even when they do it has been helpful for me to try and align my focus with the need, instead of the want. as i wrote in my post earlier, sometimes my focus is expressly on a want, and that is cool. wants are cool, too. needs are much clearer signposts. and the only way i've found to needs is through feeling. the more clearly i feel, the more clearly i am able to access my needs. why? my feelings reflect my needs. sometimes it's so dark and mucky and confusing, and i can hardly get a glimpse of all the feelings and all the needs below them. slowly, but surely, i trudge on through until i begin to shine a penetrating light on all that muck, and the mere act of observation opens me up to the experience of self-recognition, and bit-by-bit i realize myself. i've gone through this, so to speak, in levels; like i've said in the past, with each new plateau i reach, i look up and i realize that the mountain is even taller than i had previously seen it to be (and once i actually reach the plateau, i am always excited by this-- during the climb i am daunted and frightened). there's a way to go, but my confidence in my own experience is pretty powerful-- like all of us here, i've experienced the momentous power of awareness. so i do believe that seeking to recognize and meet one's needs is absolutely necessary; and this is anything but passive, even when it is done by sitting on a cushion.

 

for example-- this struggle i pointed to earlier, with idealization. i'm looking at the water, skipping stones, but i can't see under the surface. i know it's deep down there, and this alone motivates me to stick with it, even though i am struggling and suffering. so my concern is exactly those two questions: what am i feeling? what are my needs? i am not personally able to start from the position of knowing and understanding my needs. i need a lot of work getting down to them. i've gotten closer, as i've said, but i've still got all these resistances and confusions. the resistance is cool-- it's a great place to explore. but when it's drenched in confusion (the darkness, the muck) it's very easy to get disoriented and run back out the way i came (back to my bubble). so the question becomes: what is this resistance? let's use my example from before: a crush, idealization. there is the woman, but she quickly disappears ("where is the crush?"), and i do not feel anything for her, but just this panic, this obsessive reaching towards "her." what is this panic? where does it come from? when i am not careful, i sort of "fall for the objectification," to use an old phrase of mine. i become convinced i am really quite taken by this or that woman, though at this point i never know her. she's a woman working in a hotel i'm staying at, or a classmate, or a moviestar. and i become very safe in my quiet little world with my fantasy. it is the coming out of that mini-bubble that seems to terrify me. i both need/want to break through, to enter into relationship, and at the same time need/want to stay here where it is safe, to remain in the realm of fantasy. it is that prospect of becoming real that so excites and terrifies me. so what am i feeling? what do i need? if i answer these questions without feeling these questions, i am doing myself a grave disservice. i am passing over the opportunity. i am completely dismissing the very fact of the struggle. the obvious question is: WHY THE HELL IS THIS SO HARD?!?!

 

so... i'm not sure how far i strayed from what you wrote, Emily, but as you can see you gave me a great window into sharing my experience. these last four paragraphs all came out of my experience of your parenthetical, which i find to be a very important place to stay. "Which doesn't mean you don't know what they are..." but it is still important to ask: do i know what they are? well, i recognize some of them, that's for sure. but a lot of others are still buried deep below the surface, and i keep forgetting that i know how to breathe underwater.

A long story

 

 

I have never told this story since I didn't know how it needed to end.  Now I do.

I was flipping through a magazine on Thursday night as I was waiting for Arnold. It’s not a magazine that I usually buy – The Washingtonian, but it's theme was Top Doctors in the area and one never knows when they are going to need an Ear Nose and Throat specialist. :)   So as I was skimming through the pages whenI glanced at an article written by a single mom whose son was now a teenager.  It was not actually an interesting article, but I saw the word death, then “death of my brother”, and I was hooked.  The name of the author's brother’s name was Robert.  He died in 1990, eleven months before her son was born. Ok.  Her son was born in February so Robert had died died in May 1990.    Ah, Anya was born in May 1990.   A memory was floating to the surface.  I read further.  Her brother committed suicide, leaving behind a wife and two small children.  He hadn’t left a note.  She still couldn’t understand why someone as solid as he was would suddenly take his own life.   I frantically turned to the beginning of the article to find the author’s name.  I knew her. She was the little sister of the Robert who I had been madly in love with so many decades ago.  I had met her once, maybe twice.

 

It is May 1990 in my kitchen.   My son is two and a half years old.  My daughter is a few weeks old.  The phone rings.   It is a woman whose voice I have not heard since 1974, an old friend from high school and college who still lives in Baltimore.   She just learned something that she thought I might want to know. It had been a long time and she found me by contacting my parents who gave her my number   “I had to tell find you," she said, " Robert K. killed himself”   I had not seen or talked with Robert since 1973.  But she remembered.  She still knew him.  She was in shock.  His family was in shock.  No one had seen it coming.

   “I am not surprised,” was all that I could say.  “I am not surprised.” 

 

 From the time I was fifteen until I turned twenty Robert was the most important person in my life.   I could open up to him.   I was his sometimes girlfriend, but never really, more a late night telephone friend and the girl to hang out with when he was in-between his real girlfriends.   He was a year ahead of me in school and when he left for college we wrote, but then we stopped talking.   I went to the University of Maryland and we lost touch.   In my sophomore year, he transferred there and called me.  We began a relationship that this time, I thought was real and full of promise.

 

It was real.  And it was sick.   He told me that he was dying of cancer and that when the time came and the cancer was bad, he was going to kill himself.  I was sworn to secrecy.  His family did not even know.  The details –always details, are not important anymore, only that I slowly descended into madness.  I was going to lose another person that I loved when I had not even begun to grieve for the first.   My parents intervened, and through some of their contacts found that none of what Robert told me was true. I called him.   He apologized.   He thought he was helping me with my grief.  I told him that I was never going to talk with him again.  And I didn’t.

  

When I saw the article I thought I would contact his sister and tell her that I had known her brother.  I quickly realized that I wouldn't. 

I knew Robert as someone dark, troubled, and twisted – these qualities lived among those amazing other ones that he brought to his sister and friends: attention, laughter, intelligence, reckless fun.  Probably he had kept the darkness at bay long enough to get married, have children, create a life that looked like what a normal life of a young Jewish family in Baltimore was supposed to look like, before his demons found him.

 

Yes,  I knew that part of him that could stand on a stool and hang himself.   It is a secret that I carried with me all these years.   I really loved him, maybe because of his demons.  I can picture him now.   A smiling gregarious olive skinned teenager with the darkest eyes I have ever seen.   I’ recognized something beneath his surface as I think he must have recognized his desperation in me.  I thought he was the most beautiful person in the world.   And he was.  He really was so pure and radiant at the moment when I saw him.  I don't want to forget him.  We were each other's pain.

I've never been able to tell this story.  I didn't know how I wanted to end it.  Now I do.

 

I didn’t understand how to end it.

EMILY, YOUR "LONG" STORY

I love how you ended this story!  "I didn't understand how to end it."  And it's a story of a man ending his life and a story of an end of a relationship and a story of many endings and beginnings, too.  And life's struggle of "I didn't understand how to end it."  That word "understand," of course one of my favorites, is so very powerful in this last and separated line.  great story and beautifully written, once again.  I guess I'll talk to you again.

About my story

Arnold said he wanted to know more about my story.  I informed him that he could only contact me about such matters through the blog. 

Relationships are so difficult.  Aren't they?

EMILY, TELL ARNOLD

the story ended in Hollywood and I just didn't understand it.

James

it's good to see you here. It was getting kind of "boring."

:P you guys are anything but

:P you guys are anything but boring. but "boring" on the other hand... yeah, you guys are definitely that. i was wondering where everyone else is, but i realized that it's friday night and they're all out doin their things. but i'm glad you guys are here foolin' around

FOOLING AROUND?

Hey, I'm not fooling, I'm boring, and this is sersious business. 

 

penetrate - 1412 (implied in penetrable), from L. penetratus, pp. of penetrare "to put or get into, enter into," related to penitus "within, inmost," penus "innermost part of a temple, store of food," penates "household gods." Penetration is first attested 1605, from L. penetrationem (nom. penetratio) "a penetrating or piercing," from penetrare. The sexual sense is attested from 1613. Penetrating in the fig. sense of "touching the feelings intensely" is attested from 1632.

penetrating...

i'll have to give that a try. sounds intense.

 

i especially like the notion of "household gods" and this association. i'm seeing a lot of tibetan animism suddenly...

WAS THAT HOUSEHOLD GODS?

Tibetans are scatalogical, they love shit and sex jokes.  And so, I'm seeing a lot of tibetan onanism.

oh, shit!

i'm starting to see what they all mean when they say Om has a dirty mind

SHIT IS RIGHT

that's why Om loves meditation enemas to purify negative karma.

HEY JAMES, I WAS THINKING OF YOUR MUDRA

 

embodiment seeks the Ideal

of which complete love it will seal

but the seal must dissolve

as recognition resolves

impingement and its need to heal.

Penitus

sounds like a disease that you get when you can't write anymore.

 

PENITUS

LOL! It's actually a disease you get when you can't ride anymore ;)

ha!

ha!

SOPHIE, JOIN IN THE CONVERSATION

tonight.  As someone new, it would be very helpful.

well...

What would you have me say?

 

I have had a few glasses of wine this evening and am feeling very cheerful and warm to conversation. I am open to the possibilities. Ask me a question, feed me a line....

LET US NOT FORGET

 

bor·ing

transitive verb1: to pierce with a turning or twisting movement of a tool2: to make (as a cylindrical hole) by boring or digging away material

 

see, i couldn't figure out

see, i couldn't figure out which boring should get the quotation marks!!!!!

Bor-ing

I always thought of boring as something that someone is and now I see that it is something that someone does. I have felt my temples being pierced as the mouth twists and turns.

Oh, and I don't mean the kind of temple that is the penus- oh, you know what I mean,the place where food is stored.

The boring therapist

There was a therapist in a tub

Who didn’t like to talk, wash or scrub,

He hired a maid

To help him get laid

But instead she just washed the tub

 

THE BORING THERAPIST

 

there are lips that blossom from tongue

like a song she had never heard sung

but he fell to his knees

when her legs began to squeeze

and choke his neck as they wrung

THE BORING THERAPIST II

 

and that's the last song he ever sung

now he's just another stone among

others that gave into death

from love's very last breath

and the petals that froze around tongue.

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Jame: my forty five cents

 

James, I think you are right on about my post.  I am going to try and respond, but I am hopelessly inarticulate tonight.  Having trouble connecting heart and mind or even finding mind at all.

 

I was referring in my post to the act of frantically looking for and searching for relationship that obliterates real seeing and gets in the way of being seen. And what I meant in my parenthesis:  noahck.com/photo/2008-04-02/tunnel#comment-2788was that even if you know what you need you still have to let go to let in.

 

 Of course too, I am talking from a different place in life and haven’t had to think about finding a relationship – just maintaining one..  Arnold can not meet all my needs and I can not meet all of his, but the important ones, we satisfy most of the time.  There have been  many compromises along the way, but these compromises seem less about settling for less and more about accepting that we can’t always “get what we want.” Our wanting can be at odds  

 

 I understand, despite my own confused writing, what you are saying, where you are going, and how you are traveling.   I understand the fantasies.  I have had them, even while married.   During the tough times, I always imaged that fantasy person as having eyes that could just see into me and that seeing required nothing from me.   In this context I actually wanted to be less seen.  I would be so tired of the reality of working things out, the reality of myself, that I wanted someone to just idealize me, think I was perfect, and never dare to imply that maybe I to get a grip..    It took me a long to see that much of my unhappiness “wasn’t the trouble in relationship” but that the trouble was me, alone and Arnold alone and that together we created the problems in our relationship.  But, what kept us going is the central needs were being met: the need  for staying power, of deep commitment and loyalty, and the knowledge on both ours sides that we were not out to hurt each other.  

 

Now, this is not to say, that if a dashing, wealthy, movie star had fallen madly in love with me, I might not have considered jumping ship.  But that opportunity never occurred, so I guess we’ll never know.   :))     . 

 

 

50 50 50 DO I HEAR 55? GOING GOING SOLD

 

Relationship

 

Thought: in solitude spiritual practice seems relatively easy; the only thing between you and realization is imagination. But, in a relationship, the shifts in mirroring and reflecting back your own desire, fear and doubt in, at times, ambiguous ways, make for a much greater challenge.  Thus, if there is one thing to learn it is this: the relationship must meet this one need, to unwaver in its support of each partner's spiritual seeking (and I would include psychological seeking here) for, if it doesn't, the mirror will be broken and the light forever extinguished. 

 

It is through the relationship that this very truth can be realized (made real) and in a way so much deeper than previously known.  How grateful to be presented with one's touch and gaze; how reaffirming it is to practice in earnestness as a seeker. 

 

"the relationship must meet this one need, to unwaver in its support of each partner's spiritual seeking"?

 

This means that each partner, whether it be friend or lover, but especially the lover of a romantic relationship, must unequivocally support the other partner's spiritual seeking.  What this looks like in the day-to-day relationship is what I call a returning, a coming back to the center of worship, or prayer from which the relationship builds its intimacy, trust, and focus; and involves a consistent processing of feelings and ideas regarding one's purpose in the relationship to self, to other, and to Emptiness.

 

Remember, there are two levels of experience, inner (spiritual) and outer (the world), and the challenge is to stay mindful of this dialectic, the tension between these two polar, but integrally related worlds.  The practical needs of the relationship must be guided by spiritual ends and, conversely, the spiritual (including psychological) seeking must not ignore the responsibilities of worldly existence.  In my opinion, the work of the relationship is the sewing together these two strands, the line of which creates the imaginary horizon of endless light. 

 

It is always the worldly that engenders suffering--the fears and doubts and superficial attention to flaws, disappointments, and limitations embodied in the other.  These are projections, but mostly ignored as such, because the questions leading to the real meaning of one's fears are ignored.  Thus, the question is what guides the relationship as it guides the self.  The Real and the real begin and end with the question: Who am I? and all the other questions between, such as, what is the nature of my fear? ultimately lead to the one question.  A relationship anchored in this truth is a relationship opening to Grace.

     

I am nothing more than your mirror, what you have created for your healing and growth.  You have created our relationship; you have created me.  To see me as separate or more or less than that is to miss.  This realization will be your freedom, and it will be realized soon enough.  Out of the indwelling breath came the word, and the word was your intention to create understanding and meaning, for you intuitively knew that only through understanding and meaning could self (mind) be realized in its true nature.  The images and symbols of that nature, through concepts, ideas and metaphors, flowered through the disciplined process (birth, awakening, death, resurrection) of self-awareness and streamed forward in its present form as your birth, again.  There is no destination, there is only you lifting the shade of your darkness.  All else is what the light reveals.

Om your post

was worth at least 60.

Someone else's nickels and dimes

This is the beginning of a chapter from the book I am currently engrossed in. Thought it would fit in well with all the pocket change you guys are tossing into the fountain.

 

 

The Holy Grail of Romantic Relationship

There is one word that best describes the response we all have toward intimate relationship: terror. Yes, terror. Of course our daydreams, fed back to us in books, movies and pop songs, all attest to our ceaseless pursuit of romantic connection with another. On a conscious level it is true: we all crave it deeply. However, every fiber in our unconscious rejects standing emotionally naked in front of another, stripped of all our masks. And this also is true: most of us barely skim the surface even when inolved in a long-term relationship. We confuse co-existing in a shared space with a true unveiling of ourselves before another being. The stories we tell with our love notes, shared photographs and memories betray the wounded part of ourselves--that which keeps a hawkish eye on anyone in danger of getting too close. Our stories allow us the illusion of being in control and keep us safely in the past; the popular culture that we all beathe reaffirms the potency of our stories, and adds to it the false intimacy we now feel for the lives of complete strangers. Sounds gloomy? Don't despair; there is hope. But first we need to dissect this most complicated and profound of topics.

Relationship is the ultimate and most arduous yoga. If we understand yoga to mean union, then relationship can be a vehicle for spiritual development. It can be a safe place where we learn about ourselves while we dig beneath our socially perfected masks and learn what makes us tick. After years of engaging in different disciplines, ranging among medidation, martial arts, spiritual groups and monastic retreats, I know of no spiritual path that is more direct -- or more difficult. Being truly present in a relationship is an incredible place to work on spirituality in general and on our defensive psychological baggage in particular. It might not seem as romantic as being in some dark cave meditating or as powerful as chanting at some guru's feet, but if approached with the conscious intent of using it as a spiritual path it has no peer.

Regardless of our sexual preference, most of us consciously yearn for union with another person. The counterforce to that desire is a fear born of our early psychic wounding that interposes a whole host of obstacles and challenges. The fact that more than one out of two heterosexual marriages leads to divorce tells of the depth of the difficulties we face. It must be understood that separation or divorce in itself is not a sign of disease. Sometimes two people reach an impasse and their inability or lack of desire to dig deeper is best serves by moving on. Conversely, the form of relationship in which-due to habit, fear or a need for safety-two people cohavit without any intimacy is not a sign of health either. We all know of or have been in relationships based on mutual fear or unexamined needs that form a twisted bond-a substitute for true intimacy. There can even be a sense of peace that arises from stagnation and routine, just as there can be a sense of connection and engagement through constant fighting.

When I look at my own history or that of people I have known for a long period of time, I am always amazed at how each successive partner reflects back how much healing one has-or has not-done. The core issues do not change by changing parnters. They change by healing work done within the relationship. No matter how different the external or superficial trappings of a new partner, our unconscious find a way to confront us with the psychological patterns that need to be addressed. Our conscious mind is unaware of this happening. Our unconscious continually leads us back to the same situation so that the wounding can be healed.  It is an infallible and miraculous process. One of its most impressive tools is sexuality. Because our wounds tend to have a sexual charge to them, we are actually attracted to the things that are not healthy-which is how we keep finding ourselves with the same helpless, angry, afraid or unavailable partner. It is up to us whether we regard this as a blessing or a curse. Do we elect to accept these sequential invitations to heal, or do we continue to ignore them?

It is the scale of this challenge that underlies our fear of intimacy. Intimacy means vulnerability and vulnerability demands that we shed the many layers of protective armor and defense mechanisms we have spent our lives collecting. I hope that I may get you to see this as clearly as I hae come to see it. This is not a belief system; it is empirical knowledge gained from observing thousands of people struggle with intimac. One of the comments that I hear most frequently from my single clients is how hard it is for them to meet someone, as though relationship is some kind of black magic art contingent on being in the right place at the right time. I have known people who have actally moved to another city thinking it would be easier for them to meet a partner, only to hear from them later that they are still single. These kinds of disappointments can last a lifetime-or they can be the catalyst that forces us to truly examine past patterns and determine if they are still active. Just acknowledging that there may be more at work than bad luck or a shortage of suitable partners starts shifting the pattern. I have seen over and over that when a person is internally ready, what they are looking for comes. In this case, they find a partner. This is not magic nor is it some foreign power of manifestation. It is the person finally having had a shift in their unconscious through inner psychological work that opens them to the possibility of relationship.

 

 

 

And Om, the next chapter is titled "Grace Comes By Surrendering to Helplessness."  

 

The definition of grace in the dictionary is the Christian belief in the free and unmerited favor of God in bestowal of blessings. God is a highly subjective concept but I do love those words: free and unmerited in bestowal of blessings.

CEILI

What is the name of the book?  I'll give this a read tonight or tomorrow and comment.  It looks delicious, thanks for sharing this with us.

Title

The book is called Shadows on the Path, by Abdi Assadi

It is a beautiful and eloquent journey of musings from a really great guy. He's worked out a lot of good ideas about life, mostly through trial and error, hah!

CEILI, I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET TO IT TONIGHT, BUT

from reading over it quickly, it could have been a distillation (or, even better yet, a more concrete form) of my meditations (aphhorisms) on relationship.  I assume that it why you posted it.  Thank you again.  By the way, "terror" is a pretty powerful word.  If you remember Rilke, "For beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror, which we are just able to bear, and we wonder at it so because it calmly disdains to destroy us."

ceili

 can't wait to get to this tomorrow!  Thank you for posting.

How'd your play go?  Or no.. wait.. when does it go up?

 

Cat (et al.)

The show is, as of this weekend, into Tech. This means hours and hours of my flowering springtime spent in a dark, stuffy theatre. Ah how we suffer for our art....

 

Opening is April 17th, and I believe it runs that weekend as well as Saturday and Sunday the next weekend. Let me know if/when you want to go and I'll try to get tickets! (Or we could just sneak onto one of the balconies if you're into that sort of thing)

 

And that goes for anyone else, too, who might be in the area and interested in seeing a really incredible production. It's an opera of Shakespeare's The Tempest. The music is pretty awesome, and I hear the cast is great. But really, you want to come for the set, lighting, and costumes :)

 

Plus, seeing this would partly explain why I am so absent from this fair blogship. (like now, as I will be leaving when I finish this sentence.)

 

 

CEILI, YOU DIDN'T MENTION

where the opera will be performed.  I wish you all the best!

EMILY, LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU FINISH

`The Ethics of Responsibility' so we can discusss it.  I think Arnold would also enjoy it.

Right.. thanks Om

Opera will be at Purchase College, near White Plains in Westchester (less than an hour from the city)

 

and for all the damn sweat and blood I'm sacrificing, it better be worth it!

 

oh and I'm assistant scenic designer on it. anything else I missed?

 hey ceili! i hope i'm able

 hey ceili! i hope i'm able to come. suddenly i'm daunted by schoolwork again.... i haven't been able to get to any yet this weekend, and there's a lot this weekend... but i will likely be able to come up and hang out and see your beautiful work :)

 

i don't think you missed anything else... but anyway, how ya doin? you sound stressed yet energized... but that's from just a few short words, so i'm not all too sure.

You got it, James

stressed yet energized. I am completely exhausted but alive and kicking.

Just trying to straddle the line of responsibility... figuring out exactly what equation can work which will allow me to enjoy life without paying for it later in the week (tuesdays and wednesdays are generally steeped in tears.)

and I'm not so good at math... so one equation can take a loong while.

 

but I'm hanging in there! and hey, if I can't handle it now while young and spry, what hope is there for me when I have to do this for a living?

 

so thanks for asking! sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who's completely overwhelmed and everyone else is just hanging back and having fun. (which I know is not true, but I get very jealous). it feels great to be recognized. and yes, you should definitely come to the show! (just not opening night, preferrably, I have at least ten people already a definite)

 

and how are you? I have been trying to keep up with your Cat fight but you two are pretty dizzying. hope you got some sleep today.

 

/////back to work.....

fizzy dizzy

my cat fight! terrific! haha!! i'm filling my corridor with my laughter and applause. that's a great one.

 

i'm glad it's not mere exhaustion. but about tuesdays and wednesdays!! ack! steeped in tears... and tears + frustration = frustrating tears. (easy enough equation :) keep on keepin' on like a bird that flew, oh seven-lettered one.

 

so... how am i? now that i've eaten and gotten up to write a little, i'm feeling much better :) i'm tired, yes (went to bed at 7, but slept well enough), but that isn't so tough. i was up for a while because i was having a fun, exciting and very deeply needed interaction (uh oh, i sense another overflow of gratitude... better curb it!), and then for a while thereafter because i was writing a bit on my own. i started a fun tune, actually. anyway... i'm doing well. i'm still struggling! and i'm doing well. more soon!

 

i'd like to hear a bit more about your experience. about this straddling the line of responsibility. what a thought... finding this balance(d equation)... i'd also like to hear a little more about the dizzyingness of last nights convo between cat and me. i'd like to hear your experience of this dizzyingness more. when you return to the blog, i'd like to continue to learn about what you're feeling and going through -- whichever way you'd like to start :)

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Returning

Om, I love what you describe as Returning, that coming back to center (of prayer, worship) and processing, understanding ones purpose.  Actually, I love the word intention  because etymologically it means both attention/attentive (attend!) and to stretch, reach, or strain and its also related to éntente "understanding,"  from the french; so to me it means both practice, growth, and presence all at once.  and it of course all relates to doing the dishes,  coming back to the constancy and focus, writing to the blog etc.   

 

Tonight I feel frustrated by language.  I feel again frustrated by the question "what are you feeling" or "what are you thinking"--  How still when I try to attend to my feelings I clam up or close down.  I know  that language is only a vessel, that we ask only to guide us towards  grace, connection, and prayer; that we must feel to understand.  And so with our intention, we are all here stretching and reaching and straining with our language and prayer toward presence (love); and many of us (myself certainly) might not yet know  that place of our return.  Yet somehow we have all been there, as if the experience that we are reaching for we already possess.  But most of us don't truly know that yet, feel it fully as enduring present (love).  Tonight I feel like I am reaching with a language I do not yet understand for an experience that I do not yet know without constraint, but one which I am returning to; and this strange language will be my vessel of return, but must not be mistaken for the experience itself.  And its just so very round Om, like your Sanderlings.

 

returning!

Noah! This is gorgeous! Oh my god, I'm loving this so much! Most of all when you write, "Yet somehow we have all been there." this is such an amazing way of delving into returning and intention. you're on, man. i'm gonna cherish this and just re-read it a bunch of times, and return to it again later. this is a beautiful teaching.

constraint

"Tonight I feel like I am reaching with a language I do not yet understand for an experience that I do not yet know without constraint, but one which I am returning to;"

 

I am intrigued by what you mean exactly by experience without constraint. This phrase grabbed me, yet eludes me... please, will you tell me more?

EMILY, I REALLY CAN'T SPEAK TO YOU TONIGHT

 

I am hurt that you want a hollywood star.  How could you do this to me?

Om

I might have gone for a cute therapist.  

EMILY

I might have gone for a cute therapist, too, but they're so goddam boring

FROM `MEDIATIONS ON LOSS, SUFFERING AND JOY'

 

The Relationship

 

In the beginning was the Relationship, for the Light cannot reveal Itself

alone in this world.  The Word is the Relationship of this world. The

Relationship is the womb-creating-form through birth. Love is the Light

revealing Itself through the womb-creating-form through birth.  Love is

Relationship healing the form as it forgets the Light through birth. Love

is the Way.  The Light is Good; Love is goodness, the act of healing

through Relationship. The Relationship, through mind, nurtures growth.

 

Growth, by its very nature, is complex.  The Relationship guides growth

through complexity.  Complexity is form transcending itself, gathering up

the light of knowing as it dissolves the shadow of unknowing.  Development

is complexity gathering up the light of knowing through revealing, retracing,

renewing, and creating anew.  The Word is the Light descending.  The Word

reveals Itself in language.  Language is the structuring of complexity in higher

forms of consciousness.  Language is the vehicle of Relationship, the translator

of development, and complexity revealed in higher forms of consciousness. 

Language is the language of loss and suffering.  Loss and suffering are instructive

as part of the life process.  Language is development revealing itself through loss

and suffering.  Language is the vehicle of transforming suffering into Light.  Language

is the vehicle of healing.  Language is Light presenting Itself as Presence.  Language

is the heart stretching thought into Light through feeling. 

 

Feeling is the birth of need through relationship.  Suffering is the loss of need

in relationship.  Feeling guides the relationship as the relationship guides

development towards the Light.  Loss is relationship degenerated into darkness. 

Loss is the death of the relationship at points in time and space.  Love is the reparation

of loss through presence.  Presence is the language of feeling.  Presence is thought

clothed in feeling.  Presence is knowing. Presence is understanding.  Presence is mirroring

light through relationship.  Presence is the birth of intimacy.  Intimacy is Light as presence revealing itself through relationship.  Presence is the pre-word, the word before the word,

the `I am here.’

 

Hope is wishing; faith is knowing.  Desire is future; faith is here, now, and forevermore. 

Faith is intuition revealed, above the below of consciousness.  Desire is loss wrapping

its arms around the sun of need.  Faith is presence presenting itself in the space of faith,

in the face of uncertainty.  Faith is loss flailing its arms on shore in the lulling, silent space

of light.  Faith is fate revealed. Fate is the faceless mystery.  Faith is despite fate.  Faith

wraps its arms around fate, in the mist of loss.  Faith is unsuffering despite fate. 

 

Joy is faith revealed. 

 

Spirit is the psychological transcending through faith.  Faith is spirit touching

doubt.  Faith is fear washed over with light.  Faith is rage melting into fear

melting into the light of presence.  Faith is sitting in the silence of trust.

Faith is trust revealed.  Trust is touch.  Trust is “I can’t” weeping.

 

Feeling is Life revealing Itself.  Feeling is the relational breath of life. 

Feeling is.  Feeling is loss reaching for joy.  Feeling is the small space

of fear slowly opening into the vast depths of feeling, into the I and we

of inwardness.  Depth is inwardness revealed.  Depth is boundary revealed

and unveiled.  Boundary is self dividing itself into selves, into selves of selves,

into cells apart.  Feeling feels the parts, feels the selves and parts, and dissolves

the parts.  Feeling is depth deepening itself.  Feeling is the unlayering of depth. 

Depth is boundary revealed in the layering.  Dialogic is dialectic revealed in

the layering.  Dialectic is the surface of depth in the layering.  Depth is; layering

is that.  Yet, layering is not bad, evil, or weak; for layering is the covering

uncovering itself as it reaches upward toward the light. Layering is the repetition

of loss. Layering is the language of loss speaking out from the layers.  Layering

is language concealing itself in the layers.  Layering is the collapsing of language

into association.  Association is language revealed.  Association is the shrinking

of the word.  Association is space collapsed and concealed in the layering.  Feeling

transforms association into thought.  Thought reaches upward; association reaches

for thought through feeling.  Feeling is thought elevating consciousness. 

 

Feeling is isolation revealed.  Feeling is struggle revealed. 

JAMES, EMILY AND OM

have the dubious honor of winning a venti Mayan hot chocolate for the most posts in one night.  Thank you ladies and gentlemen.

Om

Does this mean you are leaving us to take a bath or something?

scrub-a-dub-dub

that sounds like a good idea. i can make myself some hot cocoa, then take a hot bath. afterwards i can scrub my tub and my dishes, too!)

Hi Noah and Ceili

We have been waiting for you.   Another round, anyone?

JESUS, EMILY

First the Hollywood actor and now I'm not enough, you're looking around for some other temples.  I just can't take it.

WHY ARE YOU ASKING FOR NOAH, ANYWAY?

Didn't you know he hides behind bluffs and stares at naked women cleaning themselves out?  I was traumatized for three months with that one.  And now I have to look at that tunnel everytime I sign on.  It's giving me womb anxiety. 

Om

Have you ever thought of acting?   Maybe play Ben Hur or something.  That's has everything.  The horses and the temples.

 

.  

EMILY, I LOVE BEN HUR

That would be awesome, I would get to hang out with Jesus and share his water bottle. 

James and Om

Thanking for a very good time tonight.  My nose and I are going to go to bed and read for awhile.  I am reading, "The Ethics of Responsiblity."   Great book.

kisses

goodnight Em (BLOG CATCHUP)

and for all those who come to the blog seeing this ridiculousness, here are a few of the longer posts that have been swallowed up by our playing tonight:

 

Or's post, and her dream;

 

my list, in response to camila's;

 

Nico's continuation; and camila's;

 

Sophie's response to our responses to her photo;

 

Emily's four cents (and then my twenty, and then her 45!);

 

Om's auction; his meditation; and Emily's amazing long story.

 

i'm sure i've missed a few, and everything before and in between is just as terrific! just thought i'd link to the lengthier pieces that might otherwise get lost in Om's and Emily's boring penetrative dirty talk :P

ATTENTION EVERYONE: JAMES IS BORING

 

the most beautiful opening in my thoughts tonight.  I would like to challenge all of you to be (compassionately) more open and honest about our interactions.  Let’s call it an empathy-building exercise :)  We all know each other pretty well at this point but I’m wondering if we could cultivate a bit more blog intimacy.  I don’t mean asking each other to share more stuff, God knows you guys are the masters of confession :0  What I mean is that I would like for us to share with each other what our needs are regarding communication.  For example, I love the way Camila pushes up against Nico, asking him to explain and share more.  And in our latest mud love fest, James and Caterina pushed up against each other’s looking.  But, I’m wondering how others are feeling.  Is anyone feeling left out or unrecognized?  If so, why?  Emily is the mother of these-are-my-needs, which everyone loves and, more importantly, appreciates.  Another issue has to do with how well we’re communicating, and I have James specifically in mind here.  In your response to Camila, James, I felt that you shared more than what Camila was asking.  The post felt too long for me and, as a result, I felt the essence of what you were attempting to convey, lost.  I’m not speaking for Camila, but I would like to ask Camila if this is what she experienced.  With that said, I want to suggest that there are different types of communication – theory, poems, brief essays, stories and anecdotes, personal wonderings and wanderings, etc. – all of which have their own groove and style.  But, here, I’m referring to the more relational, interactive posts where people talk to each other.  I’m using James as an example but am addressing everyone.  I know it’s difficult to share our feelings and needs, but my vision of intimacy is to bring the blog as close to physical presence as possible and, further, to bring relationship as close to real intimacy as possible, which as everyone knows, at times means pushing up against. 

 

Noah, since this is your baby, I would love for you to share your impression of what I’m sharing.  And everyone else, please join in.

Om, thanks for asking us to return.

Last night when I responded to your idea of returning with this post, I was largely reflecting on the present state of the blog (as, of course, it relates to my own life) and I felt the need to remind myself what we were all here trying to do. 

 

And I strongly feel that language is only our tool and vessel carrying us toward intimacy/presence.  But this blog is an experience of language--it is text.  And on the one hand, I've run into a lot of problems idealizing/ expecting too much from the text of this place--that it could somehow be the experience of intimacy and connection.  I think when we recognize why this text is, this language, then indeed it carrys us towards the deeper experience that we are seeking here. 

 

But language can also be a huge obstruction / barrier when we fixate on it.  Reading over some of James' and Cat's dialouge (and here I admit, I could not read it all--though I understand what happened) I got the sense that a lot of the misunderstanding had to do with language. (correct me)   That it took both of you a little while to actually find each other behind all your text, but once you did you really started pushing beautifully.

 

So what we are doing here in text-land (among other things) is learning how to use language to bridge the gap between You and I.  And I feel sometimes that certain posts can feel, as Camilla said, like "a conversation with yourself."  Which is why I think its so great that James and Cat really pushed up against each other last night, working to break into a common space. 

 

What can make this blog so difficult from the outside, especially for new people here, is that there is this often a huge wall of text that takes so much effort (intention) to break into and understand.  Im not interested in making any 'rules' about how we use this space, or what we are allowed to write (provided we are respectful and kind).  Many of us often use it as a kind of journal; and it is no doubt revealing and wonderful to read each other's diaries.  But it is also easy to just type, as if writing to oneself.  Intimacy is challenging, especially in language (for me).  I don't have it figured out at all. 

 

But when I try to really recognize someone in this space, to respond to a poem or a post (which I don't do nearly enough) I try to show how You evoked My feelings, and how those feelings have led me to a question about You.  I do this because when I feel best responded to, I feel that You have shown me how your feelings have led you to a question about Me.  It is an exchange of feeling leading to inquiry.  By seeking You, I am most truly seeking Myself.

 

What does it mean to write to another person-- for me it all comes back to intention, a feeling and a question.  

one another

By seeking You, I am most truly seeking Myself.

 

Ah, beautiful Noah.

You seek, and your seeking is my seeking, and when you or I find our selves in another's seeking, the beauty is that we exist in one another.

yeah sophie

 in, and in relation to.

Sophie and thanks to all

  Sophie, I can relate to your struggle with language.  i often feel overwhelmed by my own thoughts,  thoughts that start swirling in my head trying to form into words but most often get stuck and eventually dissolve until the next time they come around.  In this way, language often takes a long time for me.  I wonder what that is. I wonder what is underneath your struggle. I often feel shame around language, I don’t feel that I can communicate my thoughts and feelings, and that frustration starts a spiral of isolation and self sabotage.  I tell myself that I just don’t know how to speak and therefore don’t say anything.  This happens often. Also here  while reading the blog.  I often feel the desire to respond, I often relate to what people are saying, I can understand, but never quite know how to chime in. I get overwhelmed.

One of my biggest challenges is to ask for what I need.  What helps me to form a thought into a sentence is the other’s question.  A question often focuses my attention to something more specific while at the same time giving me the feeling that the other is actually interested.  that there is the other moving towards me, engaging in the dialogue.  That of course is a need I can express once I am already in a relationship.  but even then, it is a challenge. but see, here on the blog, I would have to be the one to make the first step towards you. how would you know that I am out there when I am not even knocking on the door? I would have to take the responsibility to step into the relationship.  

I will try to make more of an effort because I have been reading and learning so much from this blog, your thoughts have become part of my thoughts, your feelings I carry around with me throughout the day. I hope that I will be able to mirror back to you more and more.  I am so grateful to all of you active participants.  i wanted to thank you now because who knows when I will be able to scramble up another entry again ;)

oh, yes, and those of you who know that i know what i don't know, throw me a question once in a while ;)

Re: Nadine, all

...that frustration starts a spiral of isolation and self sabotage.  I tell myself that I just don’t know how to speak and therefore don’t say anything.  This happens often.

 

I used to feel this way about speaking up. It was really easy when I was in high school and my first college because of the way the classes were structured. Being lecture to doesn't require a dialogue, and when others would pose questions, they always seemed to have their ideas in a neater little package than mine, which discouraged me from voicing my own questions when they seemed trivial or irrelevant. I was always a shy, introverted child, and it was more comfortable for me to sit and observe and question without raising my voice and reaching out to other people's ideas. This interiority of dialogue was reinforced not only in school, but in other social arenas and sowed the seeds of a sometimes paralyzing social anxiety that I still struggle with, though to a much lesser degree. For almost seven years the only meaningful conversations I ever really had were with myself, tucked safely away in my many journals.

 

Fortunately, I transferred colleges after my sophomore year, and now every single course I take is a seminar, with some exceptions. Now my grade rides on participation. I still struggle with not relating my ideas clearly, but because every day I am in an open conversation with my classmates and professors, I am learning everyday how to more coherently voice my ideas. I don't always succeed, but because I am part of this questioning dialogue, those who I hold conversation with are my guides. They shed light on those elements of communication that trip me up. I am notorious for interrupting people when they are speaking. Part of this is my whirlwind chain of thoughts; if I don't express them when I think them, they are lost. Part of it is also the need to feel like I have something to contribute, usually an anecdote from personal experience. But that usually makes me seem like I am trying to turn the tables to focus on me, rather than the person who is speaking. I try very hard to counter this by at least acknowledging it, and at other times consciously holding my tongue, which forces me to concentrate on holding an idea in my head, but the exercise usually leaves me feeling bottled up, mentally bloated. I have noticed that as I have become increasingly vocally articulate with my ideas, it has been increasingly difficult for me to articulate them in writing. I wonder what the psychological source of this difficulty might be. I am fairly convinced it has something to do with my present failure to maintain a journal or to write for my own pleasure.

 

On that note, I am eager to see how my relationship with this blog unfolds. I feel like I have rediscovered a journal I never even knew I had. And other people are writing in it too, responding to and questioning me, and asking that I do the same. And not only do I feel this will provide me with a forum to explore how I answer questions, but will likewise teach me a new way of formulating and posing my own questions.

speaking in outer space

 i'd like to offer a slightly different experience. in high school i hated speaking up, and felt totally pressured and paralyzed... it felt like i was imploding.

 

but... by the time senior year came along, i had begun to forge my own voice, and started feeling much more confident chatting it up in class; especially in my humanities seminar, which was co-taught by a professor from Queens College (my HS was on the QC campus)... i loved that class. we had discussion leaders, but sometimes they weren't all that great, and when we read "Heart of Darkness" i may as well have been that day's discussion leader-- i just got so excited by it! what a piece of work...

 

anyway: now i've been in college a few years and often find myself struggling to speak up again, but it is in a somewhat new way. our minds are such interesting things. so Sophie, you wrote about interrupting people because otherwise your thought might get lost; Nadine, you also spoke about a "swirling"... being overwhelmed by your own thoughts. I must say, i am very glad that you both express these struggles so clearly :) i think my experience is in a way similar, and in a way different than both of your experiences. for example, Nadine says, "I often feel the desire to respond, I often relate to what people are saying, I can understand, but never quite know how to chime in."

 

often in class my difficulty participating comes from a difficulty understanding what is going on. people sometimes speak very quickly and not very clearly-- they do what i call "going to outer space." this is when one person makes some unclear generalization (or something similar) and another person, instead of asking for some clarification, merely piles even more on; and then another, until they've gotten all the way up into outer space and i am completely lost. sometimes i think this is because i wasn't listening attentively enough, and other times i think this is because my classmates aren't speaking clearly enough, and no one is asking them to define their terms!! so sometimes i am stuck with the really awful experience of not having anything to say. i don't much like it there; and when i do have something to say i almost always say it... but i find myself in outer space so frequently... 

NADINE, GREAT IDEA

We should all throw you some questions just to ensure you don't leave too quickly.  You mentioned that you feel shame around language.  What is that shame about and what do you think its source is?  What is language?  And why do we feel so vulnerable around it?  I wrote a post recently about shame and the holding of desire, in which I said

 

"The breaking down of the empathy, as a result of a number of factors – for example, an underdeveloped empathy or the inability to regulate one’s emotions, which then causes a temporary thought dysfunction – is the source of shame, that sense of badness and inadequacy around not being able to fully articulate and exercise one’s voice.  It’s as if the system breaks down and the irregulated feelings and disordered thoughts cause further breakdowns where fear and anxiety around loss rather than communication become the foreground of immediate experience, whether conscious or unconscious.  As we would say, we have a regression.  But, instead of the regressions viewed as signals, they are experienced as failures and so intensify and perpetuate the shame, which then impels us to isolate, and so on and on into depressive rage and self-loathing."

 

I'm wondering, Nadine (and Sophie), does this resonate?  If you think about it, language is exposure.

Nadine and Sophie

I really appreciate both of your posts.   A question to both, since I don't know: does shyness contribute in any way?   Or is this simply a language/writing process that you are primarily speaking about?  Is it a question of not knowing "how to speak," or fear of "being seen," or fear of "not being seen." I am curious since I have suffered through all of these things and now those around me have a fear that I will never shut up.

 

I am sure I have more questions, but my attention is momentarily being sliced and diced by several things going on around me, so I will return and read your posts again with even greater attention.

New voices on a grey, drizzling, Monday.  Not a bad start to the week.

 

 

 

 

 

NADINE, SOPHIE, JAMES AND EMILY

I very much appreciate your posts regarding your inhibition to verbally express yourselves but, aside from Nadine's mention of shame,  I did not get a sense of the emotional factors underlying this inhibition.  Your behavioral descriptions were beautiful, but I still wonder, as Emily asked, why the inhibitions were there in the first place.  Not the immediate cause, as James pointed to, but the emotional underpinning of the confused states, "out of space" experience or the frustration and feeling overwhelmed.  There's a lot of self-dialogue and thoughts whirling around, yet I wonder what the sources are.

 

As a kid, I was completely paralyzed with fear and anxiety due to the family violence around my father's alcoholism: abuse, neglect and massive empathic failures.  In fact, fear and anxiety seemed to have replaced language for me.  The word that comes to mind is "unpredictability," which is strongly associated with trauma.  I would say I was seriously traumatized: severe separation anxiety, nightmares, peeing in bed until I was 12, and even shitting in my pants because I was too afraid to go to the school bathroom.  I remember leaving my father splayed out in the street while still holding onto the antenna when my mother sped away in the car.  My cognitive functioning was daily crying mayday and the shame around my family was so pervasive, I was terrified to speak in public.  I completely withdrew and barely graduated High School.  I never went, I was hiding and no one even knew.  So, the double conflict was my inhibition as a result of the shame, and my failure to have experiences left me without the skills to effectively dialogue.

 

Emily, when I read about how far you had to overcome your disabilities and intense shame and anxiety, I relate so deeply and feel such love for you and me.  And then when I read your writings now, I am astonished and dance with joy and gratitude.  And I even feel forgiveness for you wanting to be with a Hollywood star.

Brother Om - my Hollywood man

Let me say this first:   When I saw the photograph of Charlton Heston riding his chariot in the paper today ( in Ben Hur),  I saw only you!    But please, just forgive yourself for not being a movie star.   You are my thera-jew-bu- star- my first and only therajewbu love.  You are my everthing, man.  

I really want to share my disabilities.   They were huge.   Besides the writing, I couldn't speak.   People really questioned why Arnold was with me, since I never spoke.  I would be at a small dinner party and not be able to say one word.  It was excruciating.   And really,the only reason I share this now - since it does feel that it was a million lifetimes ago, because my friends,yes all of you out there:   I was a huge mess..   So I  just want to kick ass and say to everyone: you can do it.  If I made it, you certainly will.   It takes will.   The will to practice. to head toward the vision, and if you have the vision, you are already pointed in the right direction.   No matter how young you are, no matter how old you are,  time is running out! 

I am lecturing tonight and I don't give a sht if I am!

By the way Om,  in a pissing in the pants contest, I bet I win.

Tea, anyone?

 

BEN HESTON CHARLTON

Emily, I don't know what to say.  I know you meant well but brother Heston was peddling guns under that chariot and that was before he peddled the NRA.  And God only knows what he peddled underneath that tutu.

I imagine if Chuckie

was peddling guns, there was very little under the tutu.

But I stand corrected    I really loved Tab Hunter.  But then, again, so did John Waters. 

That's why I am switching to therapists.

PS Om

I really appreciate you sharing your stories.  They really touch my heart - more even, I feel them deep in my soul.   I sometimes wish I could be everyone's mother, everyone's friend - that I could have sent my love to your wounds.  I'll send some now just for you to store in case you ever need it.

When we stand face to face and God is between us.   I keep thinking about that idea from "the book."  

EMILY, QUESTION

Why does God have to get in the way?  First, the Hollywood guy and now God.  Boy, you're making this harder and harder for me to compete.  But, I'll give it my best shot.

God

doesn't get in the way.   Between us, there is God.  God exists because of us.   but hey, I can't argue this one without tying my laces together.  So, let's just throw God out and hug.

I am going to start all over, get in bed, kiss my pillow and see whose face turns up. 

Ceili

I see you.  come out. Come out.  Whereever you are.

Emily

I am lost and busy and distracted and feeling selfish.

there are so many things that I want, like sleep and time and a weekend off. and not only do I want them, but I feel like I deserve them.

 

shame on me..

 

I miss this blogville, and all of you guys!

EMILY, JAMES WILL TELL YOU

I used to be an atheist until I realized that God didn't exist.

god does not exist

but the image of God does.  

Oh, shit.  I just tripped.

GOD'S IMAGE

How about that beard?

OR IS THAT WALT WHITMAN

smoking those leaves of grass.

oh then

vaporizing, my man.  God, is hip.

Noah

Are you laughing?

 

VAPORIZING GOD, WHITMAN, DYLAN, GINSBERG AND EMILY

Now, that's some party.

Dylan

the song, just cuts through it all.

Vaporzing God, Whitman and others -good party.  But honestly, I love the ones I find here.  Looking forward to that day when we can party face to face.  I still have a few good  decades left!  

and you're getting skinnier

just like a one-word line.

SPEAKING OF WHITMAN, HERE'S AN AMZING DYLAN SONG

This is his song `Not dark yet.'  Here is Dylan with Allen Ginsberg at Jack Kerouac's grave.  Just exquisite. It brings me back to his album `Oh Mercy,’ the drawling voice and deep sockets of pensivity.  This song feels like a condensed version of those `Oh Mercy’ songs, like "Where Teardrops Fall," Everything Is Broken," "Ring Them Bells," "Man in the Long Black Coat," "Most of the Time,"  "What Good Am I?" "Disease of Conceit" and "What Was It You Wanted."   Ooh, that Dylan feel, ring those bells.

Enjoy.

 

Shadows are falling and I've been here all day
It's too hot to sleep time is running away
Feel like my soul has turned into steel
I've still got the scars that the sun didn't heal
There's not even room enough to be anywhere
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there

Well my sense of humanity has gone down the drain
Behind every beautiful thing there's been some kind of pain
She wrote me a letter and she wrote it so kind
She put down in writing what was in her mind
I just don't see why I should even care
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there

Well, I've been to London and I've been to gay Paree
I've followed the river and I got to the sea
I've been down on the bottom of a world full of lies
I ain't looking for nothing in anyone's eyes
Sometimes my burden seems more than I can bear
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there

I was born here and I'll die here against my will
I know it looks like I'm moving, but I'm standing still
Every nerve in my body is so vacant and numb
I can't even remember what it was I came here to get away from
Don't even hear a murmur of a prayer
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there.

language, exposure and shame

 

 

 


Emily, yes, it has to do with shyness, with wanting to be seen and not wanting to be seen.  And Om, yes your post about shame does resonate with me.   

My shame has to do with my voice, my voicing of my wants and needs, my voicing of my self, my individuality as a child, which was squashed by my parents and were the source of their shame.  A big concern for them was  that I would embarrass them in front of other people by being myself, by speaking at all. My father doesn’t speak much.  He does not speak in full sentences.  He tries to hide from people.  His fear of being seen was all I knew. My father would tell me to stay in the back, not to ask for things, not to want so much, to be quiet.  Don’t be selfish. Be normal.  I had all this energy to share, I was full of life and felt bad for wanting to share. I got angry and turned it against myself. I became anorexic. I didn’t speak for a year. I skipped classes, I spoke  to trees. I isolated myself. and I must have hurt my family with my silent screams. Another reason for shame.  

later,  friends, teachers, lovers, often seemed to be interested in what I had to say. But I never leaned how to really speak freely or be in a dialogue or in a discussion.  There were places I was able to practice, i started to see others who spoke freely and I knew I wanted to learn, I did get better at it. I tried. I was afraid of speaking. I didn’t speak in full sentences. it was frustrating. I was angry again.  to leave my language behind was one of the reasons I came to the states, I remember thinking that by learning a whole new language I would get a fresh start. It did help. I also studied the language of photography.  I spoke in pictures.  Of course I knew somehow that all this wasn’t enough, I wasn’t getting at the underlying issues of shame, fear and anger. i didn’t know how to break through. i am just getting a handle on that ;)

So I guess that since I haven’t really dealt with this shame and anger, I am still holding on to the belief that if I did open up, which here on the blog is done through language, and if I did expose myself, I would be seen and judged as that bad, selfish, shameful person who will never be loved for who she really is.  does this explain a bit better why I have a lot of anxiety around exposing myself through language?  I hope this wasn’t too much of a self-dialogue ;) 

Oh, yes, Emily, please, I would love a cup of your wonderful om tea.  Thank you and Om for sharing your own pain around language.  hard to believe if i listen to you two talking now.   you make me smile.  

 

 

NADINE, SUGGESTION

Okay, this was a beeeeaaaaauttttttifulllllllllllllll post and i think you're spot on and I know your shame will dissolve. But please don't give up being bad, look what it has done for Emily. 

 

I'm so happy you're out here playing in our 4 cheese playground :)

giving up

 being bad? how could i if i haven't even started? i knew what was worth protecting ;) 

 

Nadine

this IS beautiful.  I don't have anything to add, just wanted to say that. 

I can relate to those feelings of shame and fear of exposure very much. 

AND NADINE, UNLIKE PHOTOGRAPHY

there is no such thing as overexposure.

Sharing stories.

Sharing your stories is just taking back your history.  

(I am at the stage of the evening when one line has got to be enough.)

SHARING STORIES

I like this formulation, Emily, but I am apt to go the radical path and say sharing stories is the beginning of dissolving one's history.  When we dissolve the past, the future dissolves with it and all left is presence.  The whole resconstructive process is part of a deconstruction of how one's reality is ordered, one in which cultural and familial patterns (often unhealthy or severely restrictive and limited) oppress the self seeking liberation, even from its own embodiment (fate).  This is my karmic vision, dissolution through and through which, I have previously shared, is not nihilistic because it includes and holds the "old" reality it dissolves.  It includes the conventional in the Emptiness it ultimately Realizes.  Form is emptineness; emptiness is form. 

sing it brother om!

 I love this!  So concise and just what I was trying to say in some post once inspired by Sophie's post a while ago and knew you had the words.  Yummy.  

Sharing stories

I don't disagree with you that sharing stories is the beginning of dissolving one's history.  But I still feel that you have to stand on it, know it, get fed by it,like the roots of a tree.  The history dissovles, in my mind, because it is no longer active in the present.   Perhaps we are saying the same thing - or somewhere close to that?  

SHARING STORIES

Yes, Em, we're sharing the exact same thing, just different aspects of the process as it unfolds.  It's like the need to have a self (history) before one can dissolve it.  For example, the memories I have shared about my father's alcoholism and the ruptures and trauma it engendered have little meaning to me now other than the intermittent arising and ceasing of the memories.  I would say the attachment to those relational events is no longer real to me and so the history has dissolved in the awareness, along with the me the history belongs to.  Of course, this would be disingenuous as an absolute statement, for I am not Buddha, but the freedom from is more present than the attachment to.  And so, the stories are more stories than emotional reconstructions, not due to dissociation, but  because of a higher integration as a result of the working-through process. 

 

This is the old parable of, when beginning meditation, first seeing the mountain as a mountain, and then, through the dissolution process, seeing the mountain other than the mountain, and then, finally, seeing the mountain again as a mountain.  But, of course, as a developmental praxis (practice) the final scene is one of a higher, integral, nondual presence of mountain as a phenomenon empty of inherent existence.  The first scene, the meditator sees the mountain as an isolated, independent, permanent entity.

 

By the way, "more" present is another paradox and what I was speaking to Sophie about.  The experience itself of presence is neither more nor less but I'm pointing to the process which leads to the more enduring trait of nondual awareness than merely peak experiences of nondual realization.  Nondual refers to the perspective that witnesses the fundamental illusoriness of independent, permanent existence. 

gorgeous post, Nadine

 And Emily and Om and Sophie and James...

  I am really enjoying your sharing on the shame around sharing, speaking, finding language.  I love the intimacy created here by your sharing.  

Nadine, you never have to worry about a self-dialogue, in fact, your self is so beautiful I would read you and feel joy even if you were sputtering nonsense.  I know the more you align with your voice (and trust it, and your gorgeous writing) that you will feel the natural integrity and beauty and wisdom that is coming through it, that is you, guiding you and nurturing you, like that tree you befriended.  How you held all of your dad's shame... how his shame was trying to squash your voice.. I feel so sad, and sad for him (and kind of angry at him too, because he should never have done this to you, but I know that he didn't know how to do better... and so compassion, so much compassion for him, and gratitude and joy that you are alive and breaking out of the shame!)

Om's story makes me feel so sad, too.  It makes me want to love more actively and without shame.  Time is running out, as Emily says.  What do we have to lose by giving more love, more recognition and space for each other to grow in the light of our celebration?

 

 

wow-- everyone

 Nadine, Om, Caterina, Emily, camila (and earlier Nico and Anya)... tonight there have been some pretty amazing posts. i wish i could respond to all of them; though it's all right, everyone has been so close to each other tonight... even though i am reading the conversations when all of you have likely gone to bed, i feel as though i am here with you, at the table hearing and feeling your sharing. thank you all. i am once again astonished and overjoyed to be in touch with so much courage, honesty, wisdom, compassion, and ... silliness!!!

Went to bed last night

Went to bed last night around 11:30 and checked the blog at 10 am.  What an explosion of posts.  Like everyone took a high dose of blog-laxative and just let it all out - god, gas, romeo, juliet, vapors, shame, anger, poop in pants, durga, mudra, helvetica, lyrics and all that is everything else and then some.  it's going to take me an hour to sift through it all.  let's see what type of gems find.

Nadine, this post of your's

Nadine, this post of your's is so articulate it is gorgeous.  I am so happy you are understanding and finding your voice apart from shame.  And thanks for the uncouragement, it really helps to give me a good kick in the ass!

i love this post, noah

 and I feel so recognized by it.  I am glad that you could see that pushing-up-against with james and me was a beautiful thing, even though all tangled up in blue and black, and some fun loving What?! and all that.  

I love this post for the way you keep returning to the question, to the philosophic curve, the universal You and I relationship, and how you are questioning the nature of the blog as language, inviting intimacy through this vessel that has its limitations, we know.  Perhaps it is because of its limitations that there is a kind of safety for us too.

This blog has taught me a lot of patience. Oh, and it has given me so much confidence that my voice can be received and felt and responded to through real responses and feelings and through real personal subjectivity.  

I love Om's suggestion that we try to make this space as close as possible to being present with one another, as though we were speaking to one another.

I love this suggestion because it excites me and inspires me to feel into that known unknown, and I do feel safe here.

 

I am also excited by the challenge to keep my posts a tad bit shorter. :)

 

Brother Om, this is a tough

Brother Om, this is a tough question for me to answer because I have so much trouble creating intimate relationships.  I could share more of my history, I could share more of my needs, but I still don't think it would create a feeling of intimacy for me.

 

I realize there are fears that keep me reticent to feel intimacy, and I realize this is not a solitary endeavor I can achieve in my head.  Quite the opposite, I have to make the effort to share and hope this will create the feeling of intimacy.  Ultimately, the only course of action is communication and relationship.

BROTHER NICO

"I could share more of my history, I could share more of my needs, but I still don't think it would create a feeling of intimacy for me."

 

Prove it.

oh brother where art thou?

oh good, I'm glad I'm not the only one pulling that thread. 

 

Nico,

 you can do it!! remember, you were encouraging me the other day!! i didn't forget ;)

You can't make me prove

You can't make me prove anything because there is nothing to prove.  It is all empty.

NICO, AND A BEAUTIFUL EMPTY YOU ARE

How's your nurturing scale doing today?

I don't have a scale, I have

I don't have a scale, I have a stick!

 

And I can't seem to find the spot where I buried it.

Nico and some thoughts about sharing and trusting

 I realize there are fears that keep me reticent to feel intimacy, and I realize this is not a solitary endeavor I can achieve in my head.  Quite the opposite, I have to make the effort to share and hope this will create the feeling of intimacy.

 

reticent to feel intimacy... i am struck by these words... For me, I have felt this fear when I didn't trust that the other person was really there feeling me.  Maybe this is why you wonder if more sharing will help you feel intimate?  Maybe it's not the sharing alone but the feeling of trust in how the other is feeling you too?  

I listened to a story today from a friend about the loss of his father that made me cry.  I don't know if he saw or felt how I was feeling him, but I believe he did a little, because I felt the quality in my listening was so connected to him, and to my own feelings.  That I could feel the sadness so readily I know is because of being able to really empathize with what he was sharing.  Maybe he felt that empathy, maybe he didn't.  i don't know him well enough to say yet. I know that it takes me a while to really feel safe with a person to trust that they are feeling with me... and not just listening to details and keeping the story in their analytical centers.  I can share but not feel that intimacy if it's not clear yet.  Just wanting it is a start.  Opening to it.  And steering more often to the present feelings, asking questions, like How did you feel when I told you that?  By the way, this same friend asked me how my father was and I kept it light, conversational, though steering towards the intimate sharing, slow slow...

because there is time. Just turning towards the relationship for the purpose of opening to the feelings and staying present.. this is my practice right now, and in mind is my goal, cultivate intimacy. (And have fun!)

Nico, when you are faced with the opportunity of sharing in relationship with a friend, do you find that you are aware of your feelings and not able to share them, or do you feel that you don't know what you're feeling, or do you feel you cannot feel the other's feelings feeling you?  What's it feel like for you to share?

 

 

 

 

poking around

Oh jeez, are we officially in blog group therapy now? I knew this was going to happen!

Hmm, I’m struggling with how to respond to this challenge of Om’s. It’s interesting that you make this point about that specific post of James, since, although it was long, I was feeling a bit more connected to it than other posts of his that I’ve read. Perhaps this is because he was speaking directly to my question. I did think that he could have summed it up a little bit more and not taken us on a meandering trip through all of Europe, Antartica, and into his dream world, but I’m beginning to realize that that may just be the bubble that he is talking about. Correct me if I’m wrong, James, but it feels like sometimes your storytelling can be an escape from more direct interactions and relationship. I know that you can take the heat, as I witnessed in your cat fight (I got out of the kitchen real fast!), so I’m not sure why sometimes you seem so related and other times you seem really blurry.   At times I don’t understand what you’re trying to say and it feels like you are having a conversation with yourself.  In some posts of yours, I feel deeply connected to you and amazed by your intellect (both emotional and scholarly), self-awareness, and potent writing abilities, and other times I get lost in the wilderness. I guess I just need to call you on it, as I’ve seen you do with other people on the blog, when I don’t understand you (or anyone else) or if I’m feeling you disconnect.   That being said, James is certainly not alone in the long posts department. It seems like it’s either feast or famine around here.  I have to say, since meeting a few of you in person last week, I feel more connected in general to everyone here, whether or not you were there or if I’ve ever met you.   When I first started writing on the blog (after several weeks of lurking), I felt welcomed, but unsure of how to break into already formed relationships and conversations. I am learning that I am a slow to warm type of person, but once I get going, I’m fully engaged, as some of you might have noticed by my increased contributions here.  I’m glad you brought up this question Om, even if it meant dragging me out of the romantic dreamworld of Sense and Sensibility, which I just finished watching on Masterpiece Theater.   I hope this response wasn't too long :)

 

i'll be brief :)

 my stories. oh boy! i so so so want to defend them. i love telling stories. but yes, unfortunately, when i tell stories i often pull back and disconnect. i hide. it feels right when i'm telling the story. ahh... i get very excited, actually, like i did when writing my post to you. and i sort of re-live that which i tell, and it all comes flooding in and all these connections, stars sparking up in front of my eyes... wow! it's pretty cool. and i hear poems of mine, songs, movies i love, people i've met... as wonderful as this is, though, the question must be asked: where'd the relationship go? i'm glad to be discussing this on the blog, now. this is going to be a pretty cool thing for me. and scary. ahhh... i'm holding on to those stories with all my might.

 

i felt sad when i read, "so I’m not sure why sometimes you seem so related and other times you seem really blurry." thank you for bringing this out, too. i am sad because all of my pages and pages of posts on this site now appear to me as a big mush, because i'm not sure why sometimes i seem related and other time i seem really blurry, either... especially because i'm not sure when those times are. i'm scared about this, too; and i'm also excited... i know it won't be mushy going forward, because i know you and everyone else will tell me when i seem blurry, and we'll all be able to explore that (and this sort of thing with everyone!) with each other... i'm going to learn so much! oh gosh... sometimes when i look at old posts i feel amazed at how much i've learned and gained here thanks to all of you, and i'm feeling kind of stunned right now realizing what direction we're taking. thank you, camila, and thanks Om-- this is gonna be cool.

MUSHED POTATOES

James, your openness is disgusting.  Your honesty even worse.  And your willingness to become more intimate makes me want to puke.  With that said, I never experience your posts as "mush."  Though at times self-contained, they are always coherent and seeking a meaning that often lies layers below.  And so, the "stories," as you call them, are necessary and beautiful.  My point has ONLY to do with the conveyance of feeling, which requires the inclusion of the other(s) who you are sharing your stories with.  And that means equally the responsibility of the other to ensure that your meanings are shared in a way that is understood.  In this way, Camila, for example, is irresponsible IF you are responding to her, she gets lost, and DOESN'T share with you that she's lost.  So, you see, it goes both ways, two subjects responsible TO the relationship.  As you so honestly shared, "when i tell stories i often pull back and disconnect. i hide."  If I feel you disconnect, I must say, what the fuck?  How else are you supposed to know you're drifting?  So, at these times, your stories aren't mush, you are!  But, it is incumbent on the relationship to stick a fork into your mush!

 HOLY SHIT!   you're

 HOLY SHIT!

 

you're killing me. i've never so enjoyed being made an example of!!! i think my neighbor probably thinks i'm losing my mind... all the copious cackling...!!!

empathic responses

 I am feeling such a welling of compassion for you right now, james, and so much gratitude for Camila for describing her experience with reading you and feeling at times connected at times in a fog, and for Om for pointing out that it is our responsibility to say when we are feeling we are getting lost.

But I want to say that when reading james' post, I felt so much of that sadness too.  I used to be (and sometimes, though rarely, still am) accused of taking too long to get to a point, of drifting into long stories.  I used to do this much MUCH more.  I used to be a grande story-teller and loser of connection, and then would feel fear when I realized that others had "lost the thread", used to feel like no one could get me, used to wonder when they lost me, what they heard.  I used to feel a special connection of my own when heading into those stories, into that telling.  I didn't realize that I was really alone in the telling them, and discovering that I was only made me feel more alone!  Oh those long stories i used to tell.  What was it Camila said that hit home for me about the long journey posts?

 I’m beginning to realize that that may just be the bubble that he is talking about. Correct me if I’m wrong, James, but it feels like sometimes your storytelling can be an escape from more direct interactions and relationship.

Oh God, this made me cry.  it makes me cry.

Camila, you really hit the nail on the head for me.  i don't know for James, but for me.  The direct interactions and relationship, I thought I was having them!  You see?  I didn't know that I was losing the connection, as much of that connection for me was felt and carried and contained within my own bubble (or "island" as i learned to recognize it).  I didn't know what it felt like to maintain a connection between my feelings, the context of the relationship, and my desire to connect.  I didn't know what real relationship felt like, really.  I mean, a little I did, but nothing like what I experience now.

So when James expresses sadness and fear about not knowing when he's connecting and when he's losing you, I feel it too!  I have felt it!!!  I know that sadness and fear.  The empathic piece for me seems to be to trust that the person is really trying to connect and to let them know when we feel a disconnect, as Om suggest we do and as Camila says she will do.  

I feel so safe knowing that we will care for each other and the relationships by doing this on the blog. I have already felt this, especially from you, james. As Camila points out, you are really good at pointing out to others when you don't understand something.  I love this because it helps me feel I can stay connected to you through your questions.

Great suggestion, Om!

 

 

okay, you guys are finally getting to me

 thanks, Caterina. Noah, i remember when this website had just been born. never would i have imagined.

and James

 how are you feeling, dear friend?

I was touched by your story of how you were able to respond to your father this weekend, how you felt you were able to be present.  Tell me more.

 

 

intuition (RE: and James)

 ahhh... Noah and i just prepared a joint front-page post about our evening together: it was quite remarkable. you'll see. and you'll see what a profound influence this blog has on the world :) and i'm now trying to catch up-- but a post titled "and James" is too good to pass up. so i skipped to it :)

 

about my weekend... oh gosh. Caterina... friends of mine here on the blog... i have had a most bizarre and wonderful and difficult weekend. my father is bipolar, and this has been the first rough weekend he's had in a long time. i was going to go to a studio to do some self-recording on saturday, and this seemed very exciting and important to me; but suddenly much more important was heading back to whitestone to be with my father.

 

he is intimidated by me (that's how i experience it, at least), and was at first very upset to hear i was coming. i'll start with one part of my experience this weekend. i'll move slowly, or i fear i will certainly disappear. my sister called me and we decided i would come in; we also decided i would just show up without telling him i was coming, knowing he wouldn't like it that i was. he had tried to keep this from me when he struggled when i was younger, and now was no different. (in the past it could be played off as protecting me, but now this clearly isn't the case.) i was to just show up. so i was standing over the sink, brushing my teeth, and i stopped and said, "he should know." i called my sister and felt confident that she wouldn't question it, even though she would at first want an explanation. she picked up and i said, "he should know i'm coming." she skeptically asked, "what made you decide that?" and i responded, clearly and confidently, "i don't know." she quickly assented, and we decided how to tell him. i felt so full of joy after this moment; i knew this would be a difficult time, and that the difficulty was only beginning, and yet i rejoiced in my self-trust. and that trust felt so clearly recognized and validated by my sister's satisfaction with my answer. i believe it wasn't that i didn't know that made my response convincing; it was that i was so trusting despite not knowing. so you see, this was sort of the first moment of this presence you are asking me about, before i even left manhattan. i will very gladly tell you more soon enough, but this is plenty for now :)

questions

communication is a complicated and problematic subject for me...

 

just tonight i was having a conversation about that which is beyond articulation, and how i struggle with language to articulate thoughts which seem beyond verbal conceptualization... do you know what i mean? the conversation was regarding mystical, spiritual, and/or religious thoughts/feelings which are so expansive as to elude the conventions of language. i struggle with this problem, because i feel like i access so many of my experiences on this level.

 

i don't know if any of this is helpful or answers any of your questions...

 

but, i have found that this forum has presented me with an interesting opportunity and a welcoming community in which to explore how to articulate that which i feel to be inarticulate. so often i find myself frustrated by language's failure to fully grasp my meaning...

 

i struggle with this... is it merely a failing on my part that i struggle with communicating my ideas... do i blame language for it's limitations... how do i lessen my struggle?  

 

lately i have been reaching beyond the bounds of verbal communication by exploring the possibilities of visual language... the inarticulate, the visual manifestation of a concept...

 

am I making sense? do people understand me? and if they don't, does that mean i do not understand myself well enough to explain myself to others? or do i simply understand myself so well that i cannot possibly explain myself comprehensibly to others?

 

sometimes i feel like an enigma unto myself, and yet... it is hard to say, but i enjoy being a mystery.

 

 

SOPHIE, THIS IS A GORGEOUS POST

and you are making perfect sense for a "senseless" experience which, in trying to convey its nondual and transconceptual meanings (read paradox here :), is most challenging.  This is why we speak of pointing as conveyance.  What intuition draws forth is what is most difficult to describe.  But, as linguistic beings of consciousness, try we must.  This is the mirroring aspect of language through relationship.  You see, in our case right here, I understood your experience despite you having difficulty finding the words to describe it.

agreed!! (he's got hiiiigh hopes)

 i think what i love most about Sophie's post is that "try we (she) must" and try she does... and i think one reason why her experience comes through, is because she offers her experience so fully in her post, even though she cannot "find the words to describe it." not even "even though," since an integral part of the experience is this difficulty with not having the words. and i think it's very cool to be exploring those inarticulable experiences... as we know, i usually find lots of words when i write posts; but what fun, Sophie: when i re-read your post, after reading Om's and camila's, i started to feel as though there is something herein which can help me be more consistent here on the blog, instead of hiding in my sometimes-blurriness, if i open up to it. i sort of got the sense that i can use this post as a reference point while i'm learning more about my relational limitations... and despite my many words :P i have a taste of this struggle; when i have had intuitive experiences, it has felt in vain to try to describe them. and i love that Om brings up "pointing." i'm wondering, now that you have started this amazing (get it?) conversation, if there's a "closer" to achieve; if through this questioning and seeking you, I, we all, may learn to "point" somehow closer, or something like that... 

It is through this process

It is through this process of questioning myself and being questioned by others that I find myself struggling internally with meaning. I think that in the past I avoided conversations like these because of the demands they made on my ability to articulate my thoughts and feelings. This increasing awareness of how my words relate my ideas is new to me. Perhaps I never put too much thought into this because growing up I was never forced into the uncomfortable position of having to explain myself, unless it was in the position of formulating an excuse to get myself out of trouble.

 

I originally had more to say, but I don't really know where I'm going with this. AH! Struggling with meaning, and intent, and communication!

difficulty communicating the difficulty

 Soph, i just want to let you know; over the course of this blog's infancy, many of us have struggled a lot (i at the very least can speak for myself) communicating the difficulty communicating. i hope that doesn't sound altogether too silly!! this was a really tough thing for me to share, and even after being here for so long, i still find myself resisting sometimes because i am having a difficult time communicating. and i just hold off entirely, instead of coming to the table anyway. this is wonderful; i'm so glad you've joined us.

SOPHIE, WITH A LITTLE PATIENCE, HUMOR

and watching James get exampled, you'll be just fine.  We get you, I promise.

where is here?

This discussion is forcing me to think about not only how I communicate in this forum, but how I communicate with those individuals I meet on a daily basis. It is easy enough to articulate my frustration here where I have time to sit and deliberate over meaning... it is another experience all together when I get caught up in the momentum of verbal conversation, and I hear myself saying things I don't even quite understand. I speak very quickly and impulsively, because my thoughts are often racing, and if I do not ride them like waves, they sink back below the surface and I am forced to pause, grasp, accept the my own thoughts have yet again eluded me. I find myself grasping for words and phrases and images that are hiding from me, stumbling within my own brain, an outsider to my own ideas. And so I ask myself, "How is it that I find myself here again?" Or rather, "Where is the here where I find myself again?" I feel that it is an honest space, but I find myself pushing up against myself. What am I resisting? My ideas are informed by language, but I feel language is inadequate...

 

This brings me to a more external conflict I have been wrestling with: how to reconcile my creative pursuits with my academic obligations. By all means, I appreciate the beauty of words, but through experimentation with visual arts (first photography, then drawing) I have delved into the depths of expressing myself beyond the realm of words. It is almost a painful experience, recognizing this part of myself, because for so many years I identified myself exclusively as a writer, and expressed myself exclusively in writing (journaling).

 

I really don't know what else to say. I feel split between two selves, and my struggle with communication (and relationships) is a struggle to reconcile this conflict within myself. But for the time being, I am enduring, and I find it incredibly helpful to have an outlet where others can offer insight, support, and/or critique.

SOPHIE, HERE IS HERE

and in this moment, now, with this person.  Why don't you use the blog to practice the type of dialogue that integrates both conventional and let's say intuitive modes?  Start with feelings, and asking other people what they are feeling.  Use the posts interactively, as a mirror, as James and Caterina suggest, which helped them to feel connected.  When someone responds to you, respond to what they share to see if it matches your experience.  It's a beautiful practice, really.

A Welcome Card for Sophie

Sophie!

I am really digging reading your posts, here.. these questions and musings you offer are all things that I have/am/will deal with always and I love love your voice on the subject. Did you know your name comes from the Greek word for wisdom?

 

well, in light of your newness and openness and tunnellness I would like to offer you a quick tarot card for reflection/meditation/consideration or whatevs. Enjoy!

 

One of Earth: Form

 

You are receiving the gift of productivity; something new is happening to you physically or materially; you are engaged in promising new endeavors; you are beginning to move toward a state of true external success and internal harmony; in order to arrive at a state of wealth, you must pay constant attention to the state of your spirit, heart, and mind as you work through your daily routines.

 

Well that sounds cool! and, from what you said, it seems to kinda fit with your newfound aesthetic leanings.

One cards are beginnings. They suggest a new challenge or phase of life from which you can grow and learn. And earth is all about getting really into it, your creative path and work and developing a closer relationship with yourself through more material methods (art and writing just a start!)

Having always thought myself to be a very visual person, with skills in that area, I was surprised to find that I could throw together a fairly decent poem. So I suppose we are two opposite ends of a spectrum.. maybe you'd like to meet up for a coffee in the middle and we can bring our portfolios/writings :)

 

All ramblings aside, (now I am watching my stories.. apparently verbosity is out of fashion these days in Blogtropolis!) just wanted to pass along this card, the deck kept popping up in the corner of my eye as I read your posts.

 

keep up the language, can't wait to unravel your enigmas

SOPHIE AND QUESTIONING

 

And so, the question.  Questioning is intrinsically paradoxical because it opens the portal of the basic duality of mind, and the conflicts engendered there.  The answer is always linked to the question and crystallizes in consciousness as  pursuing the intuition of the question.  Every question arises as a new question and contains within it the seed of insight of the whole, like the acorn is the seed enclosing the whole of the oak tree.  Here is the paradox: the known is already existing within the unknown of the question. 

 

Questioning presupposes the capacity and freedom of finding by revealing that which is hidden in the seeker, the unconscious pull toward complacency which thus blocks consciousness from knowing itself.  The bridge between what is hidden and what is known is Logos, language. 


All spiritual Masters teach through the Question.  And so, all beginning questions are the birth of the religious when the questions emerge from a self that steps above the mental “with great courage and with determination and with a devout and pleasant stirring...try[ing] to pierce that darkness which is above...and to strike that thick cloud of unknowing with a sharp dart of longing love...and not retreat no matter what comes to pass.” 

Soph, you speakin' my language beyond language baby!

do people understand me?

 

Yes, this is why language is beautiful.



 

oatmeal anyone?

you are amazing james.  I think I would have run away and cried for hours after a confrontation like that, but you are one courageous and strong man.  The fact that you are so excited about being confronted speaks to your health and clarity.  I don't think all your past posts are a mush, although my recollection of anyone's posts, including my own, are pretty mushy. 

I often think about your description of the ducks you saw in Iceland on that pond, which you wrote after one of my first posts to the blog about my duck pond (or maybe it was a photo, my mind is mush).  It was so beautiful and I still can hear the duck sounds you described and see their fat waddling bodies huddled together on the ice.  I loved that.  and I loved the fact that you responded to my post in such a beautiful way.

 

quack on through to the other side

oh wow, the duck pond! very cool. i haven't read that post of mine in quite a few months now; nor have i looked at your photo in some time. i'm suddenly longing for winter...! i was reading through the posts on that page, and i could remember not knowing you at all when you sent that photo, and wrote that post about "wading in" -- how beautiful! it's so cool to see how much more i know you now, such a short time later; and then, you know, continuing to look forward. especially having met you, and spoken with you, and just felt your presence. before last saturday i didn't quite realize just how much is missing when you aren't WITH a person; and how much is gained when you are. when i was reading just now through all those posts i kept smiling and thinking, "i'm so glad she's joined us." and i'm also glad you guys aren't telling me i can't tell stories anymore, because that just wouldn't do! 

 

right quack at you!

 

I do love your stories, it's just as Om said, it's only when the connection is lost that it's a problem and it is my/ our responsibility to let you know if that is happening for me/us.  I'm so glad that you're glad that I joined you.  I'm really enjoying being here.  I do feel totally different about interacting with you here now that i have met you and have felt your presence.

 

For me, it is vital to know certain people in person in order to feel them, and for others, it's less so, and I'm not sure why.  In any case, I think that it's easy to make assumptions about someone and create a whole false image of someone in your mind when you've never met them in the flesh.  I think Caterina shared an upsetting experience she had in the past when she had a whole love affair with someone online and then was vastly disappointed upon meeting him in person.  I can't remember if I already shared this, but in my job I'm constantly having longterm phone relationships with people who I speak with on a weekly or even daily basis.  Always upon meeting one of these individuals in person I am totally blown away by how differently I had imagined them physically and how much my imagination had effected my relationship with them. For example, I didn't know for over a year that the attorney I spoke with everyday had one eye that didn't focus, and that he was tall and skinny and not short and fat, or that the bank rep was a chubby black woman, not a petite jewish woman as I imagined from her voice.  These things are only superficial, one may say, but they are the type of things that we read into and draw certain conclusions from.   At least over the phone you can express certain emotions through tone. and believe me, I hear plenty of anger and frustration in these conversations, and occassionally I hear praise and learn more intimate aspects of people's lives.   In terms of the blog, there are so many other things that are conveyed by body language and touch and eye contact that is missed here in our writing.  I guess that means we need to be more precise in our languaging.  Just with the few "outside" friends I have on this site, I have heard that I have a different writing voice that they were never aware of.  and of course we have a very distinct intention here around intimacy that is practically never present in most daily interactions.  I have experienced intimacy here that I have not felt with people I have known in much more physically intimate ways. 

 

so my question is, is it possible, if our only tool is textual language, to really fully experience each other, or is just a unique opportunity to know certain sides of ourselves that don't get expressed outside of writing and use this medium as a practice for relationship?  did I just answer my own question?

sorry if this is meandering.  I'm home sick today and indulging a bit.

Voices

 

Finding one’s voice

 There are words, which we all share but there is something else, something so intimate and mysterious and more difficult  to define.  It is the spirit behind the words that give it form.  In the world –my world- people know me, but they do not know the particular voice that is me, here, speaking only in this way.  I am recognizable, but there is difference..  Both voices wish to convey the same thing, but each one is a shadow of the other.  Sometimes, I feel that there is a dialogue between the voice that sorts it out by writing and the voice that speaks with sound; both seek to complete a singular narrative. I don’t always know if I completely trust my voice, but I can’t know unless it rises out.  Sometimes I write and I know that I am authentic – voice, and words,  and insights are there.  Other times, I am straining for an authenticity I have not reached. 

 

When I began writing I couldn’t write a sentence.   And this was after college.  I literally spent weeks on the same sentence.   I couldn’t move on.   If I couldn’t say something so simple I didn’t see the point in trying to get my most complex emotions and thoughts onto the page. Arnold watched me cry, torture myself.   He worked with me.   Took heaps of abuse as I struggled.   I sat alone month after month.   Year after year.   I decided I had to get published.   I sent an unsolicited manuscript to the Washington Post about life in the Hotel for seniors where I worked.  It got published.   But after the publication, I was paralyzed..   I had written.  I had gotten published.  But there was something missing.  I was missing.  It was a great product, but where was I?   In the most modern writing sense, I had described things, I had told the story by implication – but that wasn’t really what I wanted.  I hadn’t told people what I really thought about what I saw.   It was a lesson about finding and owning my own voice.

  

I have questions for everyone.   Sometimes it is about the most mundane details.  I love knowing simple things.  Those simple details help me create a picture of lives that aren’t my own.  They add up.  What did you see today?   Did you read a sentence somewhere that made you put down what you were reading and just taste the words over and over again?   Have any birds arrived back to your cities that were away for the winter?   Caterina, how was your lunch?    Nadine, tell me anything.  Do you spend your days doing things that you love?   And Camila: how is it that I feel your voice as such a large presence on the blog and you don’t feel that you have been present?   I want to know all of you here.  I want to know as much as you are willing to share, and then some.  

 

I collect the things I read here like little treasures.   I write entire stories in my head about what I think is going on; then I revise it, toss it out, start over.  It’s a process.   Some of my little stories are so amusing and interesting, but then many are so completely wrong five posts after they seemed so right.  If I had shared one of my fictions two nights ago, after reading the pushing back and forth between Cat and James, it would have been this.  I am someone, like one of those Jewish matchmakers, who is working a match.  With great certainty I would have approached the families of James and Cat and sworn that I had just settled upon the most perfect union (I mean, perfect match).  

sorry for the crazy non-posts

was trying to paste a link- and faliue once again?  How many times does it take to get me to remember?   Send in your guess.    I'll let you know if you are winner!

WHAT IF GOD WAS VAPOR? WOULD WE VAPORIZE HIM?

 

vaporize:

  • to change into the gas form anything which is normally a liquid or a solid; the term is most commonly is used in reference to water (which ...

  • gasify: turn into gas; "The substance gasified"
  • zap: kill with or as if with a burst of gunfire or electric current or as if by shooting; "in this computer game, space travellers are vaporized by aliens"
  • evaporate: lose or cause to lose liquid by vaporization leaving a more concentrated residue; "evaporate milk"
  • vanish: decrease rapidly and disappear; "the money vanished in las Vegas"; "all my stock assets have vaporized"

  • Evaporation is the process whereby atoms or molecules in a liquid state gain sufficient energy to enter the gaseous state (the equivalent process in solids is known as sublimation). It is the opposite process of condensation.

 

Gas and God

I am farting God right now.

ONE MORE SONG TO VAPORIZE YOU

This is another favorite of mine, just kills me it's so good.  Mark Knopfler.

IN CASE YOU MISSED THIS SONG

Here it is again.  This is another favorite of mine.  Mark Knopfler

I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU THE LYRICS

Will you listen to that guitar, thrumming sultry and sweet... delicious and romansick.

 

 NARRATOR:

A love-struck Romeo sings the streets a serenade

Laying everybody low with a love song that he made.

Finds a streetlight, steps out of the shade

Says something like "you and me babe, how about it?"

 

Juliet says "hey, it's Romeo, you nearly gave me a heart attack!"

He's underneath the window she's singing "hey la, my boyfriend's back.

You shouldn't come around here singing up to people like that...

Anyway what you gonna do about it?"

 

ROMEO:

Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start

And I bet when you exploded into my heart

And I forget I forget the movie song.

When you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

 

Come up on different streets, both the streets of shame.

Both dirty, both mean, yes in the dream it was just the same

And I dreamed your dream for you and now your dream is real.

How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals?

 

When you can fall for chains of silver,

You can fall for chains of gold,

You can fall for pretty strangers,

And the promises they hold.

You promised me everything, you promised me thick and thin, yeah!

Now you just say "oh Romeo, yeah, you know I used to have a scene with him".

 

Juliet, when we made love you used to cry.

You said "I love you like the stars above, I'll love you 'til I die".

There's a place for us, in all the movie songs.

When you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

 

I can't do the talks, like the talk on the TV

And I can't do a love song, like the way it's meant to be.

I can't do everything, but I'll do anything for you,

I can't do anything, except be in love with you!

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be,

All I do is keep the beat, bad company.

Now all I do is kiss you through the bars of Orien,

Juliet, I'd do the stars with you any time!

 

Juliet, when we made love you used to cry.

You said "I love you like the stars above, I'll love you 'til I die".

There's a place for us, in all the movie songs.

When you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

 

NARRATOR:

A lovestruck Romeo sings the streets a serenade

Laying everybody low with a lovesong that he made

Finds a convenient streetlight, steps out of the shade

He says something like "you and me babe, how about it?"

 

ROMEO:

"You and me babe, how about it?"

Thank you

for that song.   I feel like crying.  

ME TOO, I'M ON MY TENTH LISTEN

I can't get enough.  Is that a disorder?

Sister/Mother Em and Brother/Uncle/Papa Om

I think my college boyfriend put this on a mix he made for me.

It's so wierd how it brings me back to this time in my life when I was so depressed, so detached from myself, isolated and insecure.  Even though I didn't experience quite the level of abuse as you did in your childhood, Om, I identify with a lot of what you shared.  My adolescence was filled with a lot of loss and abandonment, my father's alcoholism, and, as I've already shared, my mother's neglect and emotional wreckage.  I used to have these wild parties in my house every weekend, since my mother was always away when she got a boyfriend two years after my parents separated, and I  started dating a man 9 years older than me when I was 16 (looking for a father figure anyone?). 

 

I remember a few years ago my theme of the year was integration.  I had spent so many years before that compartmentalizing (my old roomate called it balkanization and he was the master of it).  I had an intellectual understanding of emotional health, but I had no idea of how to get there, and was mired in depression with no tools to get out. since then I have become much more authentic with myself and others. the types of friendships and relationships I have are ones that serve me, rather than drag me down.   I can't always be as intimate or "myself" as I would like (especially at work), but I don't split off the way I used to. 

 

Today, while staying home sick, I opened the futon, snuggled up with a bunch of pillows and the cat purring at my hip and watched a movie.  It was called Helvetica, a documentary about the ubiquitous font created in the 1950s.  I highly recommend it.  I was really enjoying the film and kept thinking to myself as I was watching  that I felt so alive.  I keep feeling that more and more in my life.  All those dark shadows and feelings of paralysis are lifting.  Thanks for sharing Em and Om.  I thought I was the only one who pooped my pants in school...

 

 

Here is a font for you,

Here is a font for you, Camila!  Certainly not Helvetica.

sponsored by the letter X

Nico, you have a strange resemblance to the letter X.  never would have thought of you that way before..., my little x-man.

Who you calling little,

Who you calling little, Camila?

excuse me, Bicho

you are a big, fat XXXL Xman.

better?

 

You're supposed to say Broad

You're supposed to say Broad and Muscly.

I'll give you a broad!

but more importantly, how are feeling today?

I was feeling angry this

I was feeling angry this morning for the usual laundry list of reasons I feel angry.  But once I realized I was angry and why I was angry, I realized it was the usual stuff so I could afford not to spend much more energy instead.  So I worked on my coffee table some more and let the anger walk away.

 

And how are you, Camila?  Feeling better?  Less sick?

thanks for responding

I'm glad you shared.  what is your usual laundry list? are you learning to feel less attached to your anger?

I feel better today, although still a little worn out.  speaking of laundry lists (there's always more to do!) I also still have pins and needles in my left hand and a loose tooth :(

Tomorrow I'm going to my mother's cousin's funeral.  It's going to be sad, since she was only 63 (my mother's age) and has young children and grandchildren.   I also feel some social anxiety around seeing that side of the family, which I basically only see at funerals. I have a lot of social phobias that most people aren't aware of.  If I see someone I know on the subway, for example, I usually hide.  This will be multiplied by the grief that everyone will be feeling.  I hope I will be able to relate to them in a connected way, despite the fact that we are so different and we don't have real relationships.

 On the bright side, I'm also happy that I will get to see my cousin Karen, who lives in Boston and I never get to see, especially without her kids clamoring for her attention.   Our relationship, which was once very close has become almost non-existent since she's married and had kids, but I know that it won't always be that way.

 

It's good that you aware of

It's good that you aware of your social anxieties.  Sorry about your mother's cousin.  It's always weird for me to know how to feel when I hear that a family member that I don't know that well has passed away.  If I liked them I will feel a twinge of nostalgia.  If I didn't like them, then I feel nothing :(

 

Anyway, take care of that tooth and take care of C7!

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He tore his right Achilles tendon in offseason workouts earlier this year and last month shattered his left pinkie during his first padded practice.''I honestly don't think about my Devin Hester Jersey Achilles no more. It feels just like a normal leg. So, just waiting to get my chance and get on the field and show what I can do,'' Thomas said.Thomas cheap nfl jerseys free shipping said his fractured finger, which was surgically repaired, isn't an issue Jake Locker Jersey anymore, either. And while he needs time to get into game shape, he said he expects to play Sunday at Miami, when Tebow makes his first start since supplanting Kyle Orton at quarterback.''I feel like I'm probably the healthiest since I've Authentic Joe Flacco Jersey been in the league,'' Thomas said.Without Lloyd, Thomas and Matthew Willis will Titans Kenny Britt Jersey be counted upon to stretch Deion Branch Jersey the field and keep defenses from stacking the box to throttle the Broncos' new scrambling quarterback and Denver's renewed emphasis on a ball-control offense heavy on hand-offs.''He's got size, speed, strength, all Authentic Lofa Tatupu Jersey the things you look for,'' coach John Fox said of Thomas. ''I think that's probably why he was selected as high as he Redskins Chris Cooley Jersey was. We're looking forward to getting him Ray Lewis Jersey back.''Despite breaking his left Authentic Jordy Nelson Jersey foot in pre-draft workouts. Thomas was the first receiver selected in the Authentic Jeremy Maclin Jersey 2010 draft at No. 22, three spots ahead of the Broncos' other first-round pick, Tebow. But he had a rough rookie year after leaving Georgia Tech following his junior season.He was just starting to flash his athleticism and mobility, using his 6-foot-3, 230-pound frame to out-jump defenders, when he re-injured his surgically repaired foot early in training camp. Authentic Clay Matthews Jersey He missed all the preseason and the opener, then Jeremy Maclin Jersey had a spectacular debut in Week 2, catching DeSean Jackson Authentic Jersey eight passes for 97 yards and a touchdown against Seattle.But he never tallied more than three catches in any game the rest of the season. He was knocked out of wholesale jerseys from china one game with a concussion while Greg Jennings Jersey returning a kickoff in former coach Josh McDaniels' ill-fated experiment and also was wholesale nfl jerseys sidelined for five weeks with a severely sprained ankle.Then in February, Thomas was doing lateral footwork and conditioning drills at Authentic Jake Locker Jersey his alma mater when he felt the pain in his Jay Cutler Authentic Jersey right heel. Surgeons had to repair his torn cheap nfl jerseys china Achilles tendon, and he missed all of training camp Julius Peppers Jersey and the preseason.The Broncos kept cheap nfl jerseys free shipping him on their 53-man roster when the season Joe Flacco Jersey started rather than placing him on the PUP Ed Reed Authentic Jersey list, but in his second practice he got hurt again.His return to health was one reason the Broncos felt they could deal away Lloyd, the third Pro Bowler the team has traded in the last three years, joining Jay Authentic Greg Jennings Jersey Cutler in 2009 and Brandon Marshall in 2010.''We think it's a strength,'' Fox said of his young receiving corps. ''We've got some guys coming back - Demaryius Thomas, Authentic Julius Peppers Jersey Eddie Royal - and (we like) the emergence of Eric Decker.''Royal has been out since Sept. 18 with a strained Arian Foster Jersey groin and he, too, expects to play against the Dolphins.''I guess it's just a business,'' Thomas said. 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vision, addition or subtraction -- and operators inside a formula have a precedence that determines the order in which Excel calculates the formula. For example, multiplication is performed before addition, so the formula =10+two*three outcomes in 16, calculated in the order 2*3=6 then 10+6=16. To discover which operators can be employed and their precedence, enter the word operat.moncler outlet ors into the search field of Excel Support.excel to jpgParts of a formula that are inside parentheses are calculated prior to other parts of a formula and if there are (parentheses (within) parentheses), which is called nesting, the instructions in the innermost parentheses are calculated 1st. Within every set of pare.Moncler sito ufficialetheses, operator precedence still applies.For example, on a worksheet where Cell A1 contains the value 100 and Cell A2 is named Alpha_Two and that cell contains a formula resulting in value four, the formula =(A1+(Alpha_Two+6)*two.5)*3 equals 375. The portion of the formula in the innermost parentheses is ca.Polo Ralph Lauren Pas Cher lculated initial, Alpha_Two(4)+6=10, then the multiplication inside the outer parentheses, 10*2.5=25, then the addition within the outer parentheses, 100+25=125 and finally, the multiplication outside the parentheses, 125*3=375.When there is a formula in a cell, the result of the formula is displayed, and if .Ralph Lauren the cell is selected, the actual formula is shown in the Formula Bar (where it can be edited). A formula can also be displayed in a cell (exactly where it can also be edited) by pressing the F2 function crucial to put the cell into edit mode. Working with the keyboard shortcut Ctrl+` (the important to the left of the 1 cru.Doudoune moncler cial at best left of keyboard), displays all of the formulas on a worksheet in their cells. Pressing Ctrl+` again changes the display back to formula results.Copying a formula containing cell or range references can be tricky, because Excel modifications the cell or range references when the formula is pasted. For.canada goose jakker example, if the formula in Cell C1 is =A1*B1 the formula will alter to =A2*B2 if the formula is copied and pasted into Cell C2. If that's what you want to do, fine, but what if you wanted 1 or far more of the cell references in the formula to stay the same? That could be achieved by changing cell reference type.zhdyqc1110s.Cell reference types can be relative, absolute or mixed. In the above example the cell references A1 and B1 are relative. They change by the number of rows and columns among the formula cell being copied and the cell into which the formula is pasted. This was shown in the example above.A cell reference is produced absolute by putting $ signs just before the column and row numbers, e.g. $A$1. For example, if the formula in Cell C1 was =$A$1*$B$1 it would remain the identical when copied and pasted to anyplace on the worksheet.Cell or range names are also absolute, simply because regardless exactly where they are copied to, the name(s) in a formula will stay the very same and the cell(s) they refer to remain the identical. If the example from above was changed to =($A$1+(Alph
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a formula in a cell

a formula in a cell
vision, addition or subtraction -- and operators inside a formula have a precedence that determines the order in which Excel calculates the formula. For example, multiplication is performed before addition, so the formula =10+two*three outcomes in 16, calculated in the order 2*3=6 then 10+6=16. To discover which operators can be employed and their precedence, enter the word operat.moncler outlet ors into the search field of Excel Support.excel to jpgParts of a formula that are inside parentheses are calculated prior to other parts of a formula and if there are (parentheses (within) parentheses), which is called nesting, the instructions in the innermost parentheses are calculated 1st. Within every set of pare.Moncler sito ufficialetheses, operator precedence still applies.For example, on a worksheet where Cell A1 contains the value 100 and Cell A2 is named Alpha_Two and that cell contains a formula resulting in value four, the formula =(A1+(Alpha_Two+6)*two.5)*3 equals 375. The portion of the formula in the innermost parentheses is ca.Polo Ralph Lauren Pas Cher lculated initial, Alpha_Two(4)+6=10, then the multiplication inside the outer parentheses, 10*2.5=25, then the addition within the outer parentheses, 100+25=125 and finally, the multiplication outside the parentheses, 125*3=375.When there is a formula in a cell, the result of the formula is displayed, and if .Ralph Lauren the cell is selected, the actual formula is shown in the Formula Bar (where it can be edited). A formula can also be displayed in a cell (exactly where it can also be edited) by pressing the F2 function crucial to put the cell into edit mode. Working with the keyboard shortcut Ctrl+` (the important to the left of the 1 cru.Doudoune moncler cial at best left of keyboard), displays all of the formulas on a worksheet in their cells. Pressing Ctrl+` again changes the display back to formula results.Copying a formula containing cell or range references can be tricky, because Excel modifications the cell or range references when the formula is pasted. For.canada goose jakker example, if the formula in Cell C1 is =A1*B1 the formula will alter to =A2*B2 if the formula is copied and pasted into Cell C2. If that's what you want to do, fine, but what if you wanted 1 or far more of the cell references in the formula to stay the same? That could be achieved by changing cell reference type.zhdyqc1110s.Cell reference types can be relative, absolute or mixed. In the above example the cell references A1 and B1 are relative. They change by the number of rows and columns among the formula cell being copied and the cell into which the formula is pasted. This was shown in the example above.A cell reference is produced absolute by putting $ signs just before the column and row numbers, e.g. $A$1. For example, if the formula in Cell C1 was =$A$1*$B$1 it would remain the identical when copied and pasted to anyplace on the worksheet.Cell or range names are also absolute, simply because regardless exactly where they are copied to, the name(s) in a formula will stay the very same and the cell(s) they refer to remain the identical. If the example from above was changed to =($A$1+(Alph
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