I am amazed by how this photgraph makes me feel. And how I feel tonight is a bit bitchy, tired, ungrounded. In most portraits I usually see " how the photographer sees," I am looking at something through his or her eyes. But here, I am the one being looked at. I am being seen. So my relationship to this photograph has a life that extends and changes each time I make contact with it - or it makes contact with me.
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I would love to make portraits with you fellow blog mates. I am a bit far from NYC, but perhaps it will work out if we decide to collaborate.
Sometimes it is good to have time and history together so that there is understanding. But sometimes amazing things happen when two strangers sit together for one minute.
if everyone agrees to it. It's a Saturday early evening pizza party at Cacio e Vino. Arnold and Nadine, you could bring your cameras. How about everyone? Blog party II.
that's the weekend of this special yoga immersion retreat we have had scheduled for months. By the way, I don't think Nadine and Caterina can come either...unless we can teleproject from Rochester, NY. We'll be drumming up a lot of shakti energy, so anything's possible :)
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She's in charge of my yoga calendar for the next several months... If it were up to me, to me, I"d say the 10th. When's the actual graduation Noah? Is that when Emily and Arnold are coming into town? maybe it's not possible for them another time.
It costs more to see me after the 23rd. There are a few hours on the 24th where my empty presense is discounted, but the in general the price rises after hours.
in addition, I would like to thank you for having your school experience just dissolve. It is part of a long family history, a great tradition that I would like to see continued.
24th should be pretty fine for me... I doubt I will be working on Saturdays at that point. (whatever work that may be....) so I'm game. I'll bring my cards.
and if we have some more of that yummy Prosecco I'll try not to get so tipsy this time.. or at least I'll try to be very entertaining if I do. maybe I won't wear heels...
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James, can you repost our earlier posts that got buried so that we can have a more serious dialogue, even though we're serious enough to take ourselves less seriously?
Another member of the family that can't commit, has committed. Anya is going to make her almost a high school graduate debut. So save three empty chairs for three empty people.
How about a trip uptown to sugar hill? I can offer you a guest room with a queen sized mattress, a couch or a blow-up mattress, linens and towels, cappuccino, hot chocolate or tea in the morning, your own keys.
There is only one rule I can think of: shoes off in the hallway!
Thank you so much... thank you. It will be wonderful to stay with you and if you need me to bring an extra sledge hammer I will! If you help me find my garden door, I'll help blast away at your wall. I'll leave the animals at home and bring some more hot chocolate. Will be so interesting to see your part of the island. Amya is going to bring her camera as well.
for all the behind the scenes technical work you've done for all of us. You should know you've given us a very special gift and I thank you for it. With that said, as james and Noah know, I'm pretty technically savvy, so if i could assist you with anything, send me a line.
It's my pleasure. I'm delighted to help this happen and very impressed with how it has grown.
I really appreciate your offer to help with the site. I was actually planning to ask you if you could help me scan for SQL injection vulnerabilities. If you find anything, I could give you commit access to the SVN repisotory and would roll out your changes on the live site.
the only "injection vulnerability" I know has to do with sexual intercourse. And the repository, well, that goes in the other hole and that's a real vulnerability too. How's this mantra?
Also, if you're not familiar with SVN, I have to wonder what you meant by "technically savy." Perhaps you could respond with some verbal description and a diagram.
Apologies for being absent for long. There is no internet in my apartment. But I have been following most of the Noah/James post (which I will go to and comment on almost now) As for a party, I am in- any day really, and the 24th sounds just fine
Sivan, Sivan, the flowers in your name, the spring, the sun, the divine rituals of a somber girl
Sivan, where are your sweaters? Your gloves? Your empty, droopy scarves?
Sivan! Where do you go in winter? Where do you sleep, read, where do you meditate?
Do you like the mountains, Sivan? or are their tops too bare for you?
Not enough flowers, Sivan, not enough lilies?
I begun this in class, incredibly inspired by a mispronunciation of a name read by someone presenting, which reminded me of another name, and another person, and somewhere far.
My teacher asked me to please stop writing and pay attention, I told him I'm inspired, and he said, "If it's true inspiration it'll come back." I was struggling with this sentence and am really interested to read what you all have to say about it.
after this and that, i am not quite ready to respond to your poem just now. i love the name, and this incessant yet somehow soft questioning; but i've got to hold off for a bit, til a time when my mind isn't so cloudy. but i definitely am fascinated by this sentence of your teacher's. to in-spire is to breathe into; to breathe life into, and so on. of course, your teacher's words are greatly entrenched in whatever other motivations he had when asking you to pay attention; when i've heard that sort of thing from teachers and professors it's often been spoken in a little bit of frustration, sometimes wishing to make a statement to the whole class through one person... this sort of thing. but i'm not sure who this person is, and i don't know quite how it was said, but i suspect it was spoken with intention beyond the mere meaning of the sentence.
i'm not sure what "true inspiration" is, as opposed to, i suppose, "false inspiration." why would true inspiration necessarily come back (or remain)? i can't think of anything... it's inspiration, in some sense, because of the way it feels; it isn't like solving a basic mathematics problem (one can always return to it later and pick up where one left off), but rather it feels like life is being breathed into me at this moment. if i let the breath extinguish in order to focus on class (or vice versa), i am choosing what to attend; perhaps something will evoke the same expression later on, but i don't think it's something to bet on-- not in my experience, at least. so, we have to make the choice. i tend to choose inspiration over class, too, but i do think it is a choice. hmm... i'm sorry, this feels unclear... well, anyway, let's say we were chatting with a close friend, like Om was this evening, and suddenly there is an idea for a poem flashing in our thoughts. sometimes it might be okay, but other times it's a nice feeling that i might simply set aside in order to return to the present experience. other times it's a perfect moment to explore!!! :D
Submitted by Caterina on Fri, 04/11/2008 - 12:11am.
yes, and inspiration can be fed back into the present of whatever we're doing.
how would a whole poem begin, or even the inspiration for one, when you are fully engaged in what you are doing? the poem would be the act of seeing what is present? I think you're right , james. The teacher was probably saying, "pay attention, stay present to this energy here, this teaching." But if you're already off on another inspiration, why not follow it? Only that, it's nice to delve into a class... I've always loved being in class. Unless it was the computer programming lab section of the astronomy class that was not very inspiring for me. never ever in my life did I have someone do the work for me in school except in that class. I loved astronomy, and the physics and math part, but hated the computer programming part. Bleh!
Anyway, it's cool that or stayed with or's inspiration.
btw, in-spiratio has typically meant to be in-breathed by the spirit or muse. i like James' "breathe life into". it takes the muse inside (where it belongs) but the feeling is still one that seems to start from origins unknown and so the following it, the riding it and seeking to articulate is a way back to the original feeling or "inspiration."
Yes Cat, the teacher did mean "stay present to this energy here," and my confusion is based on staying present. because "life was being breathed into me" through the class, i think I was staying present by writing. Actually, when I put my writing away, because I was asked to, I felt I was betrayed the energy of the class, and thinking of different things, not accepting what was being given to me by the energy of my classmates/teacher (all of which are very inspiring).
I find that it is very easy for me to write while watching art, especially listening to live poetry / music . Maybe it's because I'm breathing in their energies?
Sorry it’s so long. It will be worth it... I think. :)
I am nothing if not a recluse. I hate sunlight, heat, and generally, people. Though on the latter, I must be given some leeway, as most of the people I am exposed to are hormone-crazed adolescent males. Of course, the females aren’t much better, they just have the to prudence to smile while they’re shouting at you.
Therefore, it should come as no surprise that my social skills are…underdeveloped. I avoid social situations like a plague, instead choosing to bury myself in any book I can get my hands on. When I find myself unable to avoid such situations my anxiety takes hold. I begin to sweat. Pain begins slowly crawling up from the pit of my stomach and settles in my chest.
Let me pause for a moment to discuss the intricacies of human consciousness and existence. When I was little (no more than 10) I spent time contemplating the people around me. I vividly remember sitting in my moms beat up Volvo, her behind the wheel and me at her side in the passengers seat, wondering: is she real? This of course is relative, for what is real? I was aware of myself, heard my thoughts, but I could not hear hers. Maybe she didn’t have any, but if that was true then she wasn’t real, was she? Maybe I was the only real one and she, my father, brother, and everyone else were robots. Or better yet, figments of my imagination. However, one could argue that if they were figments of my imaginations they were real to me. But at ten, I had not conceived of that yet. It would only be later, after much time and thought that I would truly come to accept that in whatever twisted reality I existed, my mother would always be my mother. It was not depended on whether she was “real” or not. Her influence would be the same regardless because my I would still perceive her to love me.
My long awaited conclusion is this: I do not like things I do not understand. Yet I accept that I do not understand them. I fear the unknown. In books, I know what the characters are thinking. I can, and most often do, predict how they will end. Life is not like books. In life, I am no more skilled than anyone else. In life, I must accept that I am not in control.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- Again, sorry for the length. Writing makes me think. I like to think.
Submitted by Nico Lime (not verified) on Thu, 04/10/2008 - 10:32pm.
I enjoyed your post a whole lot. It's hard not being in control, especially when interacting with others. I have to keep reminding myself everyday that the world of relationships is constantly teaching me something new.
Today, on my way to work on the subway, they stopped the train for a sick passenger. When I went to see what was going on, I saw a frail, old man, dressed in a suit, slumped over on the floor. Another passenger who was looking after him, looked up and said, "There's no pulse, he's passed away." At that moment an incredible chill and a sadness passed over me. I felt so vulnerable. I felt sad for this man who died in a subway car away from family and friends. And it was such a drastic contrast to have so many people alive and vibrant, and then to witness another person at their most vulnerable.
And for all the fear, sadness and shame (before realizing what was happening I couldn't understand why the sick person didn't just get off the train and wait for assistance at the station) that I felt, I also felt incredibly alive. Everything mattered. Every second and every feeling became precious, so precious that for that moment I remembered what it was like to be present in the constant moment that is life. All I had time for was appreciation. I wanted to thank this man because his loss gave me so much.
I am not passing judment on you. I am 35 years old and I struggle with my shell every day. I just wanted to share with you all the beautiful things that are out there. Not the say that they don't exist inside either, but they are different, and they all offer up different varieties of life. Good luck and see ya at the party!
I knew that second sentince was a little funky. :) Maybe this will help:
Even if my mother was not "real", that is if she was imaginary (or a robot), I would still see her as my mother. What makes my imaginary mother any less real than my physical mother? In my mind she would be real. Would she not still love me? If she was infact an imaginary "friend", than I was her creater and I had created her for the purpose of acting as a mother, as my concience.
i've recently discovered some pretty amazing philosophical insights on this difficulty; in philosophy it's often referred to as "the problem of other minds." if i don't have access to your mind, how can i ever really know you're a human being like i am? but of course we know-- to see a (live) human body is to recognize it as a human. we've got a special kind of freedom, a special way of interacting with the world, and the way we exist allows for indefinite possibilities. in other words: when you see a human being you know you're looking at a human being (in part) because you're looking at someone you can't predict. also because other subjects are part of our own self-awareness-- we are separate from others who can then recognize us (or fail to recognize us); i think this has to be built into the experience of others, as well. why would i be so afraid of an intimate relationship (especially considering that i feel that is what i most need...) if i did not recognize the other as a subject to whom i am exposed? i allow myself to be exposed all the time in front of walls, paintings, birds... but people? well, that's a bit more scary...
i do think it actually makes your relationship with your mother more precious and more beautiful that you recognize her as another human being; i think this is maybe what makes love so wonderful... it's like Om's dinner, he writes: "I said [to my dear friend] that I knew she would never leave me, and she asked how I could know that. I responded, 'Because I wouldn’t let you leave, I would fight for you.'" he is remaining committed and responsible to the relationship, and he is, in fact, choosing to do so. even though it sometimes feels like compulsion, we are free to choose whether to remain in a relationship or not. this is partly what implies such great responsibility-- i am responsible to the relationship because i am choosing to be in the relationship. otherwise i can complain and say, "i don't WANT to be in this relationship-- i have no choice. so why give it any effort? it just drains me." but just as you are free, so am i, and the fact that i am choosing this relationship means i am making the committment to this relationship... Om continues, "Commitment is not really about the length of time we will be together, but rather about the depth of intimacy we will share in real, authentic, consistent, honest and open terms." this is what drains me about this hypothetical relationship-- i am choosing the commitment, but i am denying it at the same time. i'm dismissing my responsibility and the relationship itself. i'm not sure if any of this came out right, or if it makes any sense or even feels relevant; but if perchance it did and does, i believe the fact that you recognize your mother as a human being makes the commitment and the responsibility to the relationship, and your love for each other, all much more significant and amazing than were she merely an extension of your own mind. this is all open to challenges :)
From this delicious post of yours, I’m choosing three of your statements to discuss and would like to respond to each separately:
“why would i be so afraid of an intimate relationship (especially considering that i feel that is what i most need...) if i did not recognize the other as a subject to whom i am exposed?”
I read this as, “I am afraid of being intimate with you because you are an other (subject).” I think it’s safe to say we fear the separateness because our brains no longer have the instinctual equipment – as do other animals – which dictates life coordinates as behavioral mechanisms for survival. What we as humans have-- and which has replaced what we might call instinct -- is a self-reflective mind that is dependent on relationship to exist and thrive. Further, it is this self-reflective mind that allows this being we call human to step outside its own body, its own instinctively-determined life coordinates; indeed, beyond the very time and space which orders its reality. This being called human, unlike any other being, knows itself and knows that it knows itself, and is capable of looking inside its own looking and the looking of others. Sounds great, but there is potentially a huge cost.
Because we beings, so-called human, are self-determined, free and purposive, and depend, not on instinct, but psychology (mind) to function, we utterly depend on relationship within complexly organized developmental schema to survive and create meaning about a life that we know, unlike other beings, will end. And you question why we’re all fucked up?
And you question why we’re afraid of intimacy? Of course it is because the other is another subject who has (merely) the (transferential) power to re-enact, over and over again, the original ruptured attachment that (most likely) failed at helping us smoothly separate BECAUSE it didn’t (sufficiently) foster attachment. Wow, what a task for any being human! So, what do we “forward-looking” brilliant socially-conscious educators do with our kids to ensure the single most important human task there is -- parenting – is properly taught? Listen to this. We wait until we’re all thoroughly grown down and fucked up and send them to shrinks, who then go to their accountants, who inform them that they will continue to sufficiently financially support the Iragi war!!!! Brilliant I tell you. Fucking brilliant! Where is my Presseco?
“even though it sometimes feels like compulsion, we are free to choose whether to remain in a relationship or not. this is partly what implies such great responsibility-- i am responsible to the relationship because i am choosing to be in the relationship.”
This is a lovely formulation. I smell an existentialist sausage here. We are free to choose but the problem is, which mind is choosing? Is it the conscious or unconscious mind? You see, not only accountants look for loop holes! But, the good news is that we have two players in this relationship, and it is the fact of two subjects that potentially ensures that one of the subject’s unconscious is not jumping overboard. This is why I said in my post, `Fear and Intimacy,’ that both partners need to be responsible to the relationship’s needs for consistency, authenticity, honesty and openness.
“i believe the fact that you recognize your mother as a human being makes the commitment and the responsibility to the relationship, and your love for each other, all much more significant and amazing than were she merely an extension of your own mind.”
This is really gorgeous and I totally agree with this and for a number of reasons. We speak of interconnectedness often but we also need to recognize the role difference, diversity and plurality play in relationships. As mirrors to each other’s subjective otherness, our very evolutionary telos sprinkling down from its kosmic heights, in all its exquisite multiplicity, challenges us to grow through increased complexity, organization and structuration. This is called evolution. And how is this accomplished? Through difference and through the otherness of alterity. This is called learning. No, not learning things and facts and knowledge, per se; but, learning thinking and knowing and cultivating self-awareness and awareness. But, most of all, it’s learning paradox. No, no, not the accountant’s version of now it’s here, now it’s not. No, it’s the paradox of difference revealing, through the process of self-awareness, the ultimate nature of reality… and we all now know what that is :)
I think it is a no win situation for parents. No matter what happens, it is always because of the parents, is it not? Too attached. Not attached. I am a fabulous person because of where I came from and I am a miserable cranky person becuase of where I came from. And in the end it doesn't matter either way, since I have to eventually take ownership of myself.
And yes, you may consider me cranky. I have a lot of sharp edges this week and I blame it all on my mother.
Through the law of karma, the effects of all deeds actively create past, present, and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one's own life, and the pain and joy it brings to him/her and others. The results or 'fruits' of actions are called karma-phala. In religions that incorporate reincarnation, karma extends through one's present life and all past and future lives as well.
Everything's karma, there's nothing that's not karma. I had a teaching once with Choegyal Rinpoche. He never gives teachings but he was kind enough to give me one. My Buddhist friend told me that I could ask him a question, and so I meditated on it for three days and it had to do with the fact that he (along with many other spiritual teachers) got love-bombed as children: loved loved loved. And began receiving teachings when they were three and four. I told him when he was receiving teachings, I had a key around my neck while watching Magilla Gorilla and Gigantor. I asked if he could explain this to me. He said one word, karma. Probably the most beautiful teaching I ever had. It also probably explains why my posts are so short.
Now here's the very first person on this blog since its inception that has finally recognized me. Anya, thank you. You get a slice of 4 cheese pizza with mushrooms on me. And, Emily, I'm willing to bet that sounds so good right now, right?
How presumptuous of me. I'm picking out your toppings! Shame on me! tell me what you like: anchovies, pepperoni, St. John the Baptist. Anything and it's yours.
And since I never count, let's makes that 5. Only Anya recognizes me but maybe because I'm buying her a pizza, or because I'm in La La land. I don't know.
I always loved this idea about being too attached. It reminds me of Dr. Wu, who tells patients, You think too much. I say, Wu, it's not think too much, it's worry too much. Of course, he never listens. How do you think too much? How can you be too attached? You could think the wrong way, you could be insecurely attached, but how can you be too...?
OK. We can argue words. One can be attached to the point of suffocation. Unable to separate. All I was saying it is inevitable that parents screw up their kids - it's just a matter of degree. But at some point everyone has to stop navel gazing.
There are times I don't want intimacy - maybe, because I just can't stand the person I am with. Or maybe I can't stand myself. If I don't slice and dice the other person in the process he or she will survive, and I will eventually make peace with myself again. I'll survive too.
I am standing up for the right of parents everywhere to fuck up a little.
It's menopause. It lasts forever. And before that it is pre-menopause. Before that it is just the dot at the end of the sentence. That is my parent. This is where I place all blame for everything. I was never attached to this process. And then it ended. But it never ends.
Everyone fucks up; if they didn't, they wouldn't be here. We're all here to fuck up. It's called evolution. But, what about accountants? How come they're allowed to fuck up? And politicians. I'm building nuclear missiles and sending kids off to war. That's just great for my karma. I'm going to have to get the new extra strength Dove.
I am just feeling like a cranky brat. I have to take two state boards to continue doing what I am doing - crazy stuff that has literally nothing to do with anything that I do. If there is anything that gets my back arched and my claws out is rote learning for the sake of rote learning. And no.... I do not want to embrace it. There is an insane family that I am dealing with - sisters trying to forge their signatures on different documents to get hold of their father's money. I stay very much out of it until they try to pull something on me and then I get very angry to think that anyone would really think I am that stupid. Oh, I sit, and breath and get very calm and compassionate and realize, really realize that they are very sick and suffering,, but then another call, another email and I feel like screaming. I don't want to be calm. I don't want to be nice. I don't want anything except to keep everyone away so that I can just be left alone..... I don't want responsibility. I don't want to do anything I don't want to do. I am tired of being an adult. Arnold says good morning and I growl. Om wants to play and I want to fight. I know..... I am about seven years old and stamping my feet and sticking out my tongue. But I don't care. I am pretending that I am queen of the mountain and it is my power to make everyone miserable, but I don't really make anyone miserable, because I am so ridiculous and I know it.... but I don't care! I do not have to be a grown up if I don't want to. At least not tonight. So there.
I said I wanted to fight. Butm then again, fighting is playing to me, so go figure. I have more people telling me to fuck off, shove it, get a real job, and to go fuck myself in any given day and, I'm sorry, it just turns me on. What do you want from me?
while you are cranking up about parenting and fucking up and Arnold is wondering what the fuck is going on in his menopausal wife who just wants to slice and dice and Om is shopping for extra strength shower gel named dove to get rid of the stinky smell of nuclear missile politics, i am meeting with a friend of mine who is lending me his books on parenting, which has helped him understand his own childhood and will help me understand in general, but who knows, and then I am home wanting a husband who wants to want a child with me and then me who is not sure if I want to with a husband who doesn’t want but would if I wanted to but do I even want to? and then I get to hear that I would be the one who wouldn’t take care of the child and leave it up to him and make a big mess and be self absorbed and scattered and all over the place. How is that for fucked up communication and recognition? And then I read that you were glad to “see” me and thought I was beautiful and that you knew that all along and that you are looking forward to meeting me. and I am so happy and can’t wait to meet you, too. And yes, please bring your hammer along or better the hammer and the explosives, which would go well with the firecrackers that go off out on the streets up here in sugary hill, and then you can help me build the yoga-ashram-farm-artistresidency etc. out of the rubble or not and then I think yes, dreaming is okay and fucking up is okay, and fucking up as a parent is okay, but it is not okay not to be present and stop looking into the other’s eyes and so I think I should just first learn to parent myself and there you have it:
If I were my own parent
First, I would set up a drum set in the middle of the living groom
I would play music as loud as possible
I would dance with you until we could not go on any longer
I would tell your kinder garden teacher that you were going to sing and whistle as loud as you pleased while drawing pictures and not think that you were crazy
I would sing for you
I would read to you
I would say I love you just the way you are – and mean it
I would tell you that you are beautiful – and mean it
I would hug you every day
I would let you be wild and fear less and not be afraid of that myself
I would show you that jumping into the ice cold water is not going to kill you
I would let you fall in love with as many people as you pleased
I would let you be touched by gentle hands and lips
I would let you fall in love with music, photography, poetry and dancing
I would tell the piano teacher to chill out and have some fun
I would celebrate your accomplishments and not be afraid that you would become arrogant
I would not be afraid of the light inside of you
I would not be afraid of the darkness either
I would not expect you to make me happy
I would not make you feel guilty for having to do a job I hate
I would show you that I could change and take responsibility
I would bake cakes with you
I would let you run free outside with your friends until dark
I would let you go skiing and sledding with your sister in the dark when no one else is outside
I would give you a home
I would nourish you
I would take you to the mountains swimming and hiking and blueberry picking
I would let you sleep in the hay stack
I would let you sleep in the tent in the back yard
I would give you your first camera
I would let you have your own goat and call her Leica
I would climb the mountains with you in case she got lost
I would go camping with you and fishing
I would go for walks with you and have intimate conversations
I would let you spend a whole week in your pajamas
I would let you swim naked in the mountain stream and lakes
I would take you to the waterfall
I would have barbeques in the forest and at the river for your birthdays and other days
I would listen
I would listen to you cry
I would listen to you laugh
I would look you in the eyes
And I would plant a flower for each feeling and emotion you are going to experience so that you will learn how to care for them and get to know their scent and peculiarities. And I would let you take naps in your wildflower garden in the afternoon sun. I would lay next to you in the field of flowers and kiss your eye lids fluttering like butterflies right before waking and invite you back and with a smile I would ask you: any dreams? and then wait and watch you drink your tea.
Nadine, I love your post. Of all the things you write about parenting yourself - are there aspects of these that were given to you as a child? Which ones are the mirrors into you own childhood? I know, from your posts, as well as everyone else's here (including my own) we talk about all the things that were missing or just terrible from our early life, but what, if any, are the beautiful things from that period of life - those things from which we build with a smile? I guess this is a question for everyone.
falling asleep with a migraine at 7 and not waking up until early this morning. i will try to respond tonight after i am back from my workshop. thanks for your question ;)
many beautiful things in my life. This parenting list came about after I had finally realized that I had been on my parent's, my teachers' and society's side, supporting the voices that kept telling me that I wasn’t good enough, that I would never be able to take care of myself, that i was selfish, bad, not smart enough etc. I looked at my younger self separate from my adult self. I had criticized her just as bad all these years.
And by looking at that, I found out that despite all the things that I had lacked, I did have a lot of experiences that were nourishing. My mother and my sister had a lot of fun together doing crafts, she would bake with us, she would sing my favorite song over and over, she would play ball games with us outside, my dad would read to us sometimes, we went hiking, blueberry picking, swimming in the rivers, my mom would let me play all day outside with my friends, and she would let us go sledding in the dark. We would go to Italy and visit museums. And when I was seven years old, our little sister was born. A great opportunity to experience with her what I had been missing. I always made an effort to listen to her, to really be there for her.
But the times I spent at my aunt and uncle’s farm were the ones when I could really be myself, I did have my own goat, I would go searching for lost ones in the twilight up the forest mountain along my uncle’s side. I listened to his calls for the animals, I felt safe. There was the hard work I participated in, my aunts screaming and cursing in the fields, there was music being played, different than the music at home, there were always interesting people visiting, you never knew what would happen next, there were struggles, there were arguments, there was never enough money, there was my aunt’s sadness and anger, but it wasn’t threatening, there were long talks between my aunt and I, arguments between my aunt and uncle and their two kids, I felt safe. And she let me wear my pyjama top day and night for the time I was visiting.
The best thing about writing this list was realizing that I had been given many of the things on my list. And that I have been providing parts of the list to myself for a while now. I might not be very good at giving myself emotional support, the recognition I want, at cultivating the garden of emotions - it isn’t what I got a lot of practice in. I am slowly realizing that i can let my parents go without feeling guilty and knowing that the seeds are there and that they have sprouted makes me smile.
From this delicious post of yours, I’m choosing three of your statements to discuss and would like to respond to each separately:
“why would i be so afraid of an intimate relationship (especially considering that i feel that is what i most need...) if i did not recognize the other as a subject to whom i am exposed?”
I read this as, “I am afraid of being intimate with you because you are an other (subject).” I think it’s safe to say we fear the separateness because our brains no longer have the instinctual equipment – as do other animals – which dictates life coordinates as behavioral mechanisms for survival. What we as humans have-- and which has replaced what we might call instinct -- is a self-reflective mind that is dependent on relationship to exist and thrive. Further, it is this self-reflective mind that allows this being we call human to step outside its own body, its own instinctively-determined life coordinates; indeed, beyond the very time and space which orders its reality. This being called human, unlike any other being, knows itself and knows that it knows itself, and is capable of looking inside its own looking and the looking of others. Sounds great, but there is potentially a huge cost.
Because we beings, so-called human, are self-determined, free and purposive, and depend, not on instinct, but psychology (mind) to function, we utterly depend on relationship within complexly organized developmental schema to survive and create meaning about a life that we know, unlike other beings, will end. And you question why we’re all fucked up?
And you question why we’re afraid of intimacy? Of course it is because the other is another subject who has (merely) the (transferential) power to re-enact, over and over again, the original ruptured attachment that (most likely) failed at helping us smoothly separate BECAUSE it didn’t (sufficiently) foster attachment. Wow, what a task for any being human! So, what do we “forward-looking” brilliant socially-conscious educators do with our kids to ensure the single most important human task there is -- parenting – is properly taught? Listen to this. We wait until we’re all thoroughly grown down and fucked up and send them to shrinks, who then go to their accountants, who inform them that they will continue to sufficiently financially support the Iragi war!!!! Brilliant I tell you. Fucking brilliant! Where is my Presseco?
“even though it sometimes feels like compulsion, we are free to choose whether to remain in a relationship or not. this is partly what implies such great responsibility-- i am responsible to the relationship because i am choosing to be in the relationship.”
This is a lovely formulation. I smell an existentialist sausage here. We are free to choose but the problem is, which mind is choosing? Is it the conscious or unconscious mind? You see, not only accountants look for loop holes! But, the good news is that we have two players in this relationship, and it is the fact of two subjects that potentially ensures that one of the subject’s unconscious is not jumping overboard. This is why I said in my post, `Fear and Intimacy,’ that both partners need to be responsible to the relationship’s needs for consistency, authenticity, honesty and openness.
“i believe the fact that you recognize your mother as a human being makes the commitment and the responsibility to the relationship, and your love for each other, all much more significant and amazing than were she merely an extension of your own mind.”
This is really gorgeous and I totally agree with this and for a number of reasons. We speak of interconnectedness often but we also need to recognize the role difference, diversity and plurality play in relationships. As mirrors to each other’s subjective otherness, our very evolutionary telos sprinkling down from its kosmic heights, in all its exquisite multiplicity, challenges us to grow through increased complexity, organization and structuration. This is called evolution. And how is this accomplished? Through difference and through the otherness of alterity. This is called learning. No, not learning things and facts and knowledge, per se; but, learning thinking and knowing and cultivating self-awareness and awareness. But, most of all, it’s learning paradox. No, no, not the accountant’s version of now it’s here, now it’s not. No, it’s the paradox of difference revealing, through the process of self-awareness, the ultimate nature of reality… and we all now know what that is :)
Imagine as we sit together in silence, as language slips into the background, in the same way that silence slips into the background as we speak. We know that intimacy speaks through language and through silence, provided it has been established and cultivated over time. I think we all have a sense of what intimacy is, but we don’t often speak about how it is communicated in its various forms, particularly in the silence. I am curious about what happens in those silent moments between two people, when language no longer tethers the implicit tensions within and between two people. The space is now still, and yet the energy somehow begins to take a form of its own and fill the space. I love that energy and the meanings it conveys. But what is that energy and from where does it arise? And how does it speak?
This week I've been sick, but now the rain has arrived. From my open window, cool air and the sound of gently falling, thunder rolling, a warm blanket. I can hear the rain gutter dripping onto the concrete courtyard beneath my window. A twig snaps--a dog barking, a car door closing, the click and ping of a delivery boy cycling home: I hear them all distinctly, and as part of a larger symphony of sound, breathing. This is the earth's most beautiful sighing. I feel the air passing cold into my chest, warming inside my body, filling me with calm. The rain tells me to listen and finally I can hear. I feel the expanding boundary of my breath and am no longer lonely, though tonight I am alone.
This is what I imagine it might feel like to sit in peace and silence with you. As our language slips into the background, we listen to this space, the rain, each other. Perhaps I hear the breath flowing in and out of your body as I feel it in mine. It feels okay, here in this space, to not know what you are thinking, because I feel that you are listening, that I too am finally able to listen--I feel this trust with you and the rain. My mind quiets, my body relaxes. The blocks of tension, resistance and shame dissolve. I do not feel the compulsion to name each thought, each feeling, to identify it in language. It feels unnecessary; when I try, the sense of ambiguity and uncertainty becomes frightening.
But I know other, uncomfortable silences, when I yearn to bind my anxiety to language. Then, when I try to speak, I want to let the language go, to flow with the current of our feeling. But my body holds tension; I shift, trying to release--this is another, subtler chattering of the mind, distracting, turning my attention inward. Its hard to sit and listen when I feel so uncomfortable. I think that this anxious energy speaks shame and concealment so old that it has been stored in my shoulders, my lower back, my calfs. I don't know how to reach it with my language.
Can we finally learn to trust inside language? To me, trust feels as presence: sitting, listening. The rain tells me: We speak in order to be silent.
“The rain tells me to listen and finally I can hear. I feel the expanding boundary of my breath and am no longer lonely, though tonight I am alone.”
Noah, I love this mind of rain from which you speak. It reminds me of Stevens’ winter:
One must have a mind of winter To regard the frost and the boughs Of the pine-trees crusted with snow;
And have been cold a long time To behold the junipers shagged with ice, The spruces rough in the distant glitter
Of the January sun; and not to think Of any misery in the sound of the wind, In the sound of a few leaves,
Which is the sound of the land Full of the same wind That is blowing in the same bare place
For the listener, who listens in the snow, And, nothing himself, beholds Nothing that is not there and the nothing that is.
I see you struggling with that shifting between psychological conflict and spiritual release, seeking that space that will, in some way, answer to your desire for peace, for the tensions of thought to flow away outside the holding of identity. And yet, this space is uncertain and ambiguous by its very nature, and so I wonder if your anxiety about what’s unclear is actually what keeps you tied to the fear. To give fear – or any emotion, for that matter – to the real instead of merely what exists, is to suffer. We know that what is real is permanent; what exists is impermanent. As you know, this little piece of wisdom apprehended as a knowing rather than comprehended as knowledge is the touchstone of liberation.
My sense is that you want to listen to the rain – as Stevens listens to the winter – in order to receive nature’s teaching of nonattachment; or, more accurately, the metaphor of nature as a pointer for what is, as it is. Form is emptiness, emptiness is form; or, more poetically, “Nothing that is not there and the nothing that is.” I like to call nonattachment just letting go, because it so beautifully aligns itself psychologically with sadness. Sadness is the letting go of the suffering caused by loss. This is why I entitled my aphorisms `Meditations on Loss, Suffering and Joy.’ This is the psychological process analogous to nature’s what is, as it is. When we understand this, we become “the listener, who listens in the snow.”
I do not feel the compulsion to name each thought, each feeling, to identify it in language. It feels unnecessary; when I try, the sense of ambiguity and uncertainty becomes frightening.
And yet it is language that carries us to the letting go, the wisdom teachings and the principles seeking poetic form, if not full awareness. We cannot confound language and silence, but we also must not reject language, or deem it the cause of our suffering. It is suffering that is the cause of our suffering; how it feels when we distort our perceptions and delude ourselves into believing unreliable thoughts.
Its hard to sit and listen when I feel so uncomfortable. I think that this anxious energy speaks shame and concealment so old that it has been stored in my shoulders, my lower back, my calfs. I don't know how to reach it with my language.
This is beautiful, Noah, really gorgeous. Especially this last sentence. That’s what it comes down to, right? How to reach suffering with language; or, as Nico tells us, how to formulate unknown thought and find ways to articulate it within the context of relationship.
Can we finally learn to trust inside language? To me, trust feels as presence: sitting, listening. The rain tells me: We speak in order to be silent.
If you mean the wisdom inside language, then I would say, yes. If you mean, the wisdom opening up to the silence of nondual awareness, then absolutely. In this way, we speak in order to be silent, yes yes yes
And I suppose that I imagine that silent energy between two people, unblocked and intimate, to be aligned with this spiritual awareness. That somehow, Steven's teaching of non-attachment is an essential awareness (for me) in this silent communication. And letting go, as you call it, is at least for me the most apt description--indeed letting go (of shame, fear, defense, tension etc) is the feeling and the action I am reaching for.
"I wonder if your anxiety about what’s unclear is actually what keeps you tied to the fear." Yes, exactly. When I was talking about naming, what i really meant was using language as a way to control or defend against that which is ambiguous or uncertain. Binding the anxiety to an objectified language.
When Stevens says "And, nothing himself, beholds / Nothing that is not there and the nothing that is" the ostensible paradox and ambiguity of his language (much like the language of a koan) requires non-attachment and, in that emptiness, makes its meaning clear.
why, Noah, i'm so glad Om asked you. he's always trying to bring out the intimate in us, and we feel safe enough to try to go along because he does it so ... effortlessly ...
(apologies)
this post is as beautiful as your earlier response to Om's question to you and the group. i like that between you, Caterina, Nadine, and me (did anyone else respond?) we got various perspectives on the question and various ways of responding and voices and feelings ... it turned out to be a rather beautiful question.
and-- at last -- thank you both for bringing me back to my man Wallace Stevens, and his poem 'The Snow Man,' which has been a favorite of mine for some time. and i just love the way you guys are reading it-- about a year ago i shared a similar reading in a classroom setting and was replied to with a kind of scorn; i wasn't terribly liked in that class, and when i brought up buddhism and emptiness, everyone quickly asserted that Nothing means nihilism. i think i grumbled a little bit and kept quiet when i realized they were finished discussing the matter. you also made me think of my very favorite Stevens poem-- i wrote a titillating little essay on this poem for that same class (boy did my professor hate it... it opened "Wallace Stevens is a prankster." ;) so i have already had lots of fun delving into its language. by the way-- did everyone notice the curious syntax of 'The Snow Man'? it's set up in such a fascinating and beautiful and challenging way. so here's another love of mine, enjoy!
Jasmine's Beautiful Thoughts Underneath The Willow
My titillations have no foot-notes And their memorials are the phrases Of idiosyncratic music.
The love that will not be transported In an old, frizzled, flambeaued manner, But muses on its eccentricity,
Is like a vivid apprehension Of bliss beyond the mutes of plaster, Or paper souvenirs of rapture,
Of bliss submerged beneath appearance, In an interior ocean's rocking Of long, capricious fugues and chorals.
I can hear, feel and taste the rain you are describing. The way one can hear better and clearer despite the rain. I can feel the air being pushed through my window with the first rain when the tension is released into a steady rain and the breathing becomes deeper and the letting go starts. When the language subsides.
And letting go, as you call it, is at least for me the most apt description--indeed letting go (of shame, fear, defense, tension etc) is the feeling and the action I am reaching for.
I believe that I have talked about being ashamed to cry or to be sad or to express any emotion other than happiness. And how I had done everything to avoid being sad. Where I come from, the rain can last a long time, day after day, rain. Melancholy creeps into every corner. It blankets everything. And trying to get out from under there becomes almost impossible.
Lately, though, I have come to love the rain. I love to walk across central park in it, I love how it holds my sadness now, how it helps me carry it, how sometimes I can cry when it rains and lets me see the beauty of it.
And now, thanks to your post, I can get close whenever I feel like it. I open the window and read your post and invite the rain in. Thank you.
Nico, sorry it took me so long. I am not very good at checking the blog. :)
I could think of my mother as my conscience because she brings forth the best in me. I come to her with my troubles, my anger at life and the people around me and she sits and listens. Afterwards she speaks to me of the nature of humans and life. She tells me my anger (and the actions I might take because of it) while they may be justified, are not the course I should take. I should instead think on how I could achieve the same results through different methods. She tells me that it is okay to have such hatred and anger, but it is better to understand why I have these feelings at all.
Perhaps conscience was the wrong word, but does this help you understand my meaning?
As you can see, it also takes me a little bit of time to reply. But reply I will. Thank you for your response. It does help me understand your meaning a little better.
cilantro!!! i have been eating cilantro like a mofo the past week and a half on the suspicion that it may help my body rid itself of the mercury i think i may have. as children, me, my brother and sister, would play with the mercury from broken thermometers. so much fun and so bad for the body. anyway, also thinking back on all the lack of environmental regulation in chile in the 1970s and i suspect i might have many metals in me.
so i have been eating the cilantro and i have experienced more energy, greater clarity of mind and thoughts. i don't know it it's psychosomatic, if it's really helping clear mercury, or if its something else (like the warmer weather and sun of the last week), but only time will tell. i will let you know.
i haven't seen camila but i did hear from her and she is doing fine. but she has dropped out of late. you to think of it, the posts have been down the last few days. but then again, the weather is nicer so i suspect the bloggers are outside instead of inside glued to their computer screens.
and how about you, Om. any interesting dinners with friends lately?
I had mercury poisoning from too much tuna and went through a detox program for three months. My mercury level was four times the normal level, though I was relatively asymptomatic (however, I did feel empty and tended to see nothing). The mercury was diagnosed through hair analysis, if you're interested. I chose to get tested after my mother's death in 2005 and the young age of 77, after she suffered from Parkinson's and dementia (which some suggest might be related to metal toxicity).
I say that getting tested was my mother giving me a second birth, since I might have suffered the long-term effects of mercury poisoning. Thank you, Iris, my sweet.
So, Nico, cilantro is a natural chelation substance and might indeed be helping to give you more energy. Go for it, my man. But, don't forget,
I am here. It feels so nice to be missed. And I thought my posts were getting annoying! I have been off in the ethers a bit, a little out of it but not necessarily in a bubble way. I think I'm trying to piece different thoughts and feelings together. nothing's really happening to describe, but it's almost like things are finally starting to align within me. It's hard to articulate really. I have seen family and friends recently who I haven't seen in awhile and they all ask what's going on? what's new?, got a man? There's a lot going on, but it's all internal.
I saw Satyagraha this Friday at the Met. For my first opera going experience, I sure picked a doozy! or should I say dozy : ) just kidding, I only fell asleep in the third act! The opera is by Philip Glass and tells the story of Ghandi in his early years in South Africa, when many of his ideas about peaceful nonviolence were being formed. The libretto is the Bhagavad Gita being sung in Sankrit (which is perfect since I have to read it for this yoga immersion I'm doing in May and I feel much more inspired to do so now). The words were not translated, but occasionally key pieces of the text were projected onto the semi-circle stage backdrop built out of corrugated iron. The set design was unbelievable. There were huge puppets and large cut-outs of the corrugated iron that were used in various and interesting ways, along with newspapers, which were featured prominantly. The music was classic Philip Glass, both repetitive and meditative. By the end of the 3 hours and 45 minutes you are brought into a deep contemplative space. He composed the opera in 1979, but it's message is even more crucial today. I think many of you on this blog would like it a lot. You can get $26 nosebleed seat tickets, like we did. just be prepared to sit and bring your binoculars, preferably not the huge birdwatching ones my mother brought.
Thank you for reminding us about Philip Glass's second trilogy (Einstein on the Beach / Satyagraha / Akhnaten) about men who changed the world. I'm trying to get tickets to the new production (Ceili, you must go!!!!! for the set design) of the Satyagraha opera, which is a semi-narrative form about Mahatma Gandhi's early years in South Africa and his development of non-violent protest into a political tool. ("Satyagraha" is a Sanskrit word meaning "truth force").
By the way, Camila, Rinpoche" literally means "precious one" and the title is generally reserved for tulkus (incarnate lamas) and those recognized by the proper authorities within a lineage as "choje lamas" ("superior dharma masters").
Camila, you also sound like James' comforter when you say, "I think I'm trying to piece different thoughts and feelings together. nothing's really happening to describe, but it's almost like things are finally starting to align within me." I love this. Please share more. Let the words be your "blanky."
well, Om, I lost my precious blanky a long time ago. She was yellow and so, so soft with that satin border that I loved to scratch. I can still conjure up the soothing feeling I had when I would rub the thick corner between my thumbnail and forefinger. I don't know whatever happened to blanky (I actually called her "banky"). It seems like she disappeared just when I needed her most. Perhaps I substituted her for the community of stuffed animals I would line up on my bed at night. I would take turns sleeping with each one, so they wouldn't feel left out or that I loved one more than the other. hmmmm? I guess this was what I was working through at the time (and probably still am to some extent). I was always part of some friendship triangle with 2 other girls, rife with competition and jealousy, much like the triad of my mother and sister and me. I could never compete with my sister's mirroring of my mother's image, which is both physical and characteristic, and felt such shame for being me, always rejecting what was different. Later, I just had P.B. (polar bear), who I spooned everynight for years, even in college. He lives at my mother's house now, in New Paltz, where I occasionally indulge in an intimate night of cuddling with my old dear friend.
Now, at 34, I'm finally coming into a deeper awareness and appreciation of who I am, just in time to let it go. But I still long sometimes for banky, my faithful companion, and that delicious corner of bliss.
this is gorgeous, camila. you keep weaving these intricate stories of language and self that just leave me mesmerized by the knowledge of self and awareness, and the seamless transition into language and meaning.
So, after an enlivening exchange with Nico and Om before I left my apartment this morning, I stepped out into the crisp and bright Spring day. this is what came on my ipod, as I strolled into the office with a big smile on my face.
Once, a long time ago, my sister was visiting me in Washington DC. When it was time for her to go, I drove her to the airport. She got out of the car at the drop off section and headed for the terminal entrance.
At that moment, watching her walk away, I saw her as a separate soul in the world. Carrying her own burdens... with her own destiny. All of this in spite of our long history together.
It is difficult to describe this moment. I felt everything in one rush. Sadness. Happiness. Loneliness. Separateness. Her being. My heart was raw and felt broken in a good way.
Later, on the telephone, I tried to explain this to her. She misunderstood and became angry. I think that she felt I was condescending to her.
My family is a very loving and caring environment, and even though both of my brothers have moved to the other side of the country I still keep in touch and love to talk to them.
Just a few days ago, my older brother sent the rest of us an email (mum, dad, eldest brother and me) containing one of his recent blog posts. He does not like to share anything with us... when he was younger my mum made a small critique on a story of his that she really loved and he never really showed us any of his writing after that. Except every once in a while.
So he wrote a little note saying that he debated whether or not to send this to us, but of all people we would probably appreciate it.
What I read next was eloquent and personal and beautifully written. And aside from it being a wonderful account of a particular journey he had taken, there was something else to it.
I read a paragraph about how they traveled across country before he was even one year old.
In a way I can almost see my infant self staring out the car window, smiling as the vast landscape of the North American continent stretched out before me, as the scenery outside the side window steadily changed like the most amazing picture book a child could have. This threw me for a loop... suddenly it occured to me that my brother is older than I am. I have known him my whole life.. but there was a time when I wasn't in his. It seems silly to say that now, but the actual realization of this was pretty incredible.
I don't have much time so I'll get to my point... In reading this recollection of his I felt very close to him. I have alwaysknownthat I am related to him. but here I felt related to him, and the rest of my family, and to so much more. There was a moment of real understanding that I am not alone here, there are many people who love me, who I am connected to.
So I told him this, I wrote back a small response saying how proud I am to know him and how good it feels to relate to him. The next day he told me that he really appreciated my email. I told him that I think he writes beautifully, and he told me that he thinks I paint beautifully. (These don't seem so thrilling, but believe me it's big.)
Anyway, what I wanted to convey is that I feel a little bit closer to my brother as a sibling but also as a person. Just like you described, Arnold, I could really sense his life for a moment.. his struggles and dreams and the girlfriend that he never told us about. It was so enriching to feel how real he is, even from thousands of miles away. (Anya, I used to wonder whether they were all robots, also)
And I owe a large part of this understanding to all of you guys, here. My short time on this blog, and knowing all of you, has opened me up quite a lot. To relationships of all kinds. I just wanted to say thank you, for your stories and insights and everything. I feel I am constantly growing within my small stature.
I am ecstatic that this blog has helped you to understand. I think that understanding people takes distance more than anything else. We cannot often see those closest to us clearly.
My family was, and still is, extremely close. I think a great deal of that is due to the fact that we lived in a very small house and where always tripping over one another. I have come to realize that sound, at l plays a great deal in this. I sit in my room and hear them moving, know where they are at all times, and am glad.
My brother and I were closer when we were younger, and seperate when we were older. It was only as he was leaving that we found each other again. However, it was not until he had really left, cleared out his room (metaphorically. all his junk is still in the basement) and gone to college, that I truly began seeing him as a person, and not as my brother.
It has been my experience that distance rather than closeness is the true path to long-lasting relationships. I know it seems counter intuitive, but I think it is true. I never talked to my brother when he was here, but I talk to him now that he is gone (Noah if you are reading this I have been busy with schoolwork, Senior Thesis and all. We will talk more soon). I think the reason for this is because it is easier to express our deepest emotions through written words. It eliminates the possibility of a violent response. For example, I have found it easier to tell my deepest secrets through instant messaging rather than on the phone, or in person. The reason for this is simple. If they are ashamed or angry I will not have to hear it in their voice or see it on their face, at least not yet. Additionally, it is easier to tell these things to strangers. Text does not have a face or voice, so what is it if not strange and anonymous.
Submitted by Caterina on Sat, 04/12/2008 - 1:02am.
because it speaks to me of those moments of recognition when you recognize someone close to you, and in such a deep way... but that when you try to explain it to the person they don't get it and are present to their transference.
But isn't that relationship? Your seeing and their ability to receive your seeing? when they don't receive, that's when it's time to cross the bridge of understanding their seeing. Holding your desire to see your sister as separate... and then listening to her. i am so excited right now because I am going to meet my sister in Texas and we're going to clear out my Ant Lou's house together. Not her Ant so much... we're step sisters... I felt a closer bond to Lou. But she's coming and this means the world to both of us.
I have these moments often with my sister of seeing something that I want to share with her, and she may not get it. Ah, this happens all the time in all of my relationships. But it's my seeing that i get to share. It's intimate. And it's about me. And it's about me and her when I want to bridge that gulf between us... and seek more intimacy.
I am so looking forward to following and listening whatever needs to come forth. And play! This is primary. Work, do what we need to do, and play. We haven't done that in so long!
Anya- I relate so much to your post. I know the feelings and thoughts you describe. I lived with what you describe for many years, and slowly when I moved to the city I begun withering away from it. Sometimes I go back there. I read books or watch movies or read posts like yours, or some others on this blog, or anywhere else really, and talk to some friends, and I feel myself wondering why I am not in that place anymore. And I wonder if maybe I should go back? Maybe I left something important there. But I know I didn't. It's important for me to remmeber that. and it's important for me to remember that although it looks so so so nice to be that girl again, I already was that girl, and there is no need to go back.
Nico- You chose such a path today. I don't know if I would have chosen the same- but I guess it would depend on the day. Your reaction to this passing seems incredibly calm. I can relate to it sometimes. I usually choose this path, sometimes I feel guilty for it, and sometimes I feel as if I am forcing myself into it. Anyone could have taken the situtation and had a miserable day, thinking of death, and the termination, and sadness, etc. But you chose instead light and spirit and upward movement. I love it.
Arnold- I would not be able to explain such a thing to any of my family members. I have experienced it also, (in one way or another) and have learned, the painful way, that keeping it within me is the best choice, because it does not benefit them when I share it, nor does it benefit me. The way you described what you saw is beautiful, I felt it and know it.
Hey, Or, nice to meet u. thanks for the words and letters in reply to my post. i was very fearful at first, and everyone i saw i the crammed train after had one destiny only: death! which of course made the whole experience some much more precious.
anyway, i might have missed this, but how did you come to pick the name Or?
I am so happy to" see " you. I have been checking back every once in awhile to see if you posted a photo. You are so beautiful as I knew you would be. I can't wait to meet you!
I was born with the name Or. It's Hebrew and means Light.
What was the interaction between the people on the subway (station+train) after/ during the passing/death/situation/etc. (??? for some reason I'm having trouble naming it)
I assumed Or was the name you had picked for your online presence. I chose Nico after a character in one of my stories. But my real name is Vinny.
The people aware of the man's death had the presence to grasp the gravity of the situation. But a little bit away, on the crowded platform of annoyed riders, the indifference was stark. One guy was even ranting to himself something about removing the passenger to the hospital. Surreal.
Even more surreal, was the next day, yesterday, on the 6 train at 59 and lex, the train was holding at the station waiting for medical assistance for another passenger! Holy shit, two days in a row. It turns out it was a crazy person feigning illness. Finally she was talking out of the subway car to the roar of the passengers, and we were able to keep going.
just wanted to let you know that i am going to read "Du, mein Freund, bist einsam..." right now before going to sleep. maybe twice. or even more. how are you feeling now? still sick? good. good night, i need my beauty rest. i also have to get up early to go to a permaculture workshop. i at least want to know how to build this damn house out of the rubble.
Camila, it is nice that the blossoms make you want to cry. i am envious ;)
Noah's post (don't know how to link it) about the rain and the silence it brought him Saturday night reminded me of my own feelings about rain. i wanted to point to this photo in my post to Noah, and since i did not know any other way, i used my profile's page. it never showed up on my screen though. i tried many times. and while i was writing about the rain, i forgot the time and all of a sudden I had to run out the door to get to my workshop. i will post it again as soon as the rain has passed. i was a bit surprised by the responses to my portrait, i am not used to be "seen" ;)
James isn't looking tonight. many words looks like too many words tonight; curiously, i'm still awake. earlier today i ate half a burrito. only half because while halfway through i found myself chewing on something i couldn't chew through. i pulled it out of my mouth and stuck it on my plate, thinking it was some sort of rind, or something overcooked. then i watched it sprawl out, finished the food in my mouth, and cautiously reached out towards this unchewable bit of burrito... it was a piece of a black plastic trash bag. i stopped eating the burrito at this point. so now i'm up trying to find out what would've happened had i consumed it, if anything.
This is the account of Noah. Noah is a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walks with God. Noah has one blog: Intimacy With Strangers. Now the earth was corrupt in God's sight and was full of violence. God saw how corrupt the earth had become, for all the people on earth had corrupted their ways. So God says to Noah, "If George Bush hasn’t beat me to it, I am going to put an end to all people, for the earth is filled with violence because of them, and besides, I’m getting bored of video games. I am surely going to destroy both them and the earth, and especially that place on Second Ave. with the bad sushi. Oh, yeah, and Sam Harris. So make yourself a blog of biodegradable virtuality; make rooms in it and coat it with photos inside and out. This is how you are to build it: The blog is to be infinitely long, wide and high, and well you’re a kid and know more about the internet than I do, you’ll figure it out. I am going to bring floodwaters on the earth to destroy all life under the heavens, every creature that has the breath of life in it. Everything on earth will perish. But I will establish my covenant with you, and you will enter the blog—you and your community of strangers with you. Noah did everything just as God commanded him. The LORD then said to Noah, "Go into the blog, you and your whole new community of strangers, because I have found you righteous in this generation. Take with you seven of every kind of clean person, mostly females, and two of every kind of unclean persons, also female, and also seven of every kind of hard up poet and photographer, male and female, to keep their various kinds alive throughout the earth. I feel bad for them, let’s get rid of the competition. Seven days from now I will send rain on the earth for forty days and forty nights, and I will wipe from the face of the earth every living creature I have made." But, remember, don’t tell anyone else because I’m God and it doesn’t sound very compassionate. I have a reputation, too, you know. Fuck with me and I’ll sink your blog. And Noah did all that the LORD commanded him, but was anxious. He had a midterm coming up. Noah was six hundred years old when the floodwaters came on the earth, and the oldest kid in his class, but he kept in great shape. And Noah and his new community of strangers entered the blog to escape the waters of the flood. Pairs of clean and unclean persons, mostly female, and of all creatures that move along the ground, except Republicans, came to Noah and entered the blog, as God had commanded Noah. And after the seven days the floodwaters came on the earth.
you could tell me which of my posts you're referring to. Thanks again! Hope everyone had a good weekend. Just celebrated my lovely friend's 50th birthday upstate. One of the most touching and moving celebrations. She is just so loved. We must all remember, that despite our struggles and even suffering, life is celebration. May you all hold that close to your hearts.
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PROBLEM SOLVED! MAY 17 IS NOAH'S CELEBRATION
if everyone agrees to it. It's a Saturday early evening pizza party at Cacio e Vino. Arnold and Nadine, you could bring your cameras. How about everyone? Blog party II.
may 17 -- rsvp
i'm down. i'll be here ;)
(and perhaps there'll be a blog party 1.5? i happen to like you folks...)
i like the sound of 1.5
i like the sound of 1.5
gosh darnit I can't come!
that's the weekend of this special yoga immersion retreat we have had scheduled for months. By the way, I don't think Nadine and Caterina can come either...unless we can teleproject from Rochester, NY. We'll be drumming up a lot of shakti energy, so anything's possible :)
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Oh no
This sucks big time
OKAY GUYS, WE CHANGE THE DATE, EITHER
May 10 or May 24.
aw shucks
aw shucks
it's a dates.
as i said, i like you guys. i'm down for all three ;)
don't go there, james, you
don't go there, james, you know the slippery slope we are already on to turn this thing into an orgy...
a whisper
(can't you see that's what i'm going for here??)
oops. dammit. see, this is
oops. dammit. see, this is why I never get any action, I always miss it when I'm getting hit on.
where's Cat?
She's in charge of my yoga calendar for the next several months... If it were up to me, to me, I"d say the 10th. When's the actual graduation Noah? Is that when Emily and Arnold are coming into town? maybe it's not possible for them another time.
there is no actual graduation
im just running out of school
NOAH, I USED TO RUN OUT OF SCHOOL
in those days, it was called delinquency.
EVERYONE, MAYBE THIS WILL HELP
you guys make a decision. Shove it here.
OKAY FOLKS, IT LOOKS LIKE IT WILL BE THE 10TH
May 10, unless I hear anything otherwise over the next couple of days.
NOW IT'S THE 24TH. I TOLD YOU THERE IS NOTHING BUT CHANGE
and impermanence. Emily and Arnold could make it the 24th, so we need to shoot for the 24th. Let's make it happen, guys, we can do it.
a sartrean gesture.
in the sense that i am-what-i-am-not, i am there at cacio e vino on the 24th.
AH, A SARTREAN SAUSAGE
filled with flatuent beings and nothingness. And to quote another notable philosopher, "I yam what I yam, and that's all what I yam."
CAMILA COULD MAKE THE 24TH
It's looking good, folks.
Om, 24 works
for me.
i see there is great activity tonight. i caught up on some but now i am back from work and tired and going to sleep. goodnight.
Om
It costs more to see me after the 23rd. There are a few hours on the 24th where my empty presense is discounted, but the in general the price rises after hours.
In addition, I insist on full recognition.
EMILY, NOT TO WORRY
I also rise after hours.
Noah
in addition, I would like to thank you for having your school experience just dissolve. It is part of a long family history, a great tradition that I would like to see continued.
CEILI AND SOPHIE
are you up for the 24th of May? Noah's becoming a delinquent and we want to celebrate.
Shin Digs
24th should be pretty fine for me... I doubt I will be working on Saturdays at that point. (whatever work that may be....) so I'm game. I'll bring my cards.
and if we have some more of that yummy Prosecco I'll try not to get so tipsy this time.. or at least I'll try to be very entertaining if I do. maybe I won't wear heels...
party!! woo!
I am in.
The 24th works out just fine for me.
I am willing to bring my camera if anyone so desires.
OKAY NICO, SO FAR EVERYONE' ON BOARD, EXCEPT
Emily, she's just boring a hole in my emptinest. My birds fell out.
JUST HEARD FROM CATERINA AND NADINE. YES AND YES
to the 24th of May for Noah's big bash. He's such a bashtard.
its not my bash
its a blog celebration.
but...
we can still paint you with cheese
mister
modest
:P
well, gotta go
it takes me a long time to pack.
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OKAY, NOW BACK TO OUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING
James, can you repost our earlier posts that got buried so that we can have a more serious dialogue, even though we're serious enough to take ourselves less seriously?
EVERYONE PLEASE
check out Om's beautiful post from earlier; and my response.
Om
just wait until I take off my party shoes. You better rest up.
PS
Women over fifty are very hot. It is a well kept secret.
SECRET TO WHOM?
It's called flash dance.
I think I saw a book in my
I think I saw a book in my parents' bedroom about that once... I didn't look at their bookshelf after that.
My eraser is kneaded
My eraser is kneaded
To err is human so
they tell me.
But progress can be so slow,
when you stand in the shadow
of technology and greed.
Hey you, with the stubble.
stop staring at me with those blue eyes
you pierce my work ethic or
(what little is left)
these knights
shining arm more
to the left just
a little.
these lines roar
their main-s-lambing
doors
are off
an inch.
delirious draftings drawl
a southern accent to accentuate
the play.
hell, man! your foxes, tricky,
gnaw at my patience.
teacher teacher,
the fox ate my homework.
no kid,
that won't fly.
(trying to design The Little Foxes in one night... hurts my brain...)
good morning, everyone
i actually dreamt of a blog party last night; everyone was there, even if i've not seen you before! it was awesome.
Blog party
Another member of the family that can't commit, has committed. Anya is going to make her almost a high school graduate debut. So save three empty chairs for three empty people.
EMILY, ARNOLD, ANYA AND EMPTINESS
I think we have a place for you to stay :) but no longer than 6 months, got it?
A Place To Stay
thank you Om.
Oh, did I mention, I am bringing a dog, two cats, and a bird? And my neighbor's dog wants to come as well.
Seriously, this has fun written all over it. Good intersubjectiive fun.
Birds, dogs, cats, Emily, Arnold and Anya
How about a trip uptown to sugar hill? I can offer you a guest room with a queen sized mattress, a couch or a blow-up mattress, linens and towels, cappuccino, hot chocolate or tea in the morning, your own keys.
There is only one rule I can think of: shoes off in the hallway!
I would love to have you here.
Nadine
Thank you so much... thank you. It will be wonderful to stay with you and if you need me to bring an extra sledge hammer I will! If you help me find my garden door, I'll help blast away at your wall. I'll leave the animals at home and bring some more hot chocolate. Will be so interesting to see your part of the island. Amya is going to bring her camera as well.
We should all be committed!
We should all be committed!
CAMILA
we are. You only think you're outside.
Another empty person
I'll be there on the 24th. I look forward to meeting you all!
HEY EZRA, I DON'T THINK WE'VE THANKED YOU ENOUGH
for all the behind the scenes technical work you've done for all of us. You should know you've given us a very special gift and I thank you for it. With that said, as james and Noah know, I'm pretty technically savvy, so if i could assist you with anything, send me a line.
I guess
I will have to surrender to the intimacy of silence. Can one have intersubjective space with silence?
Not in the mood. Must go search for some chocolate.
Om: It's my pleasure.
It's my pleasure. I'm delighted to help this happen and very impressed with how it has grown.
I really appreciate your offer to help with the site. I was actually planning to ask you if you could help me scan for SQL injection vulnerabilities. If you find anything, I could give you commit access to the SVN repisotory and would roll out your changes on the live site.
I'd settle for a related mantra, though.
EZRA, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY
the only "injection vulnerability" I know has to do with sexual intercourse. And the repository, well, that goes in the other hole and that's a real vulnerability too. How's this mantra?
Om coitus don't interuptus
I'll take it.
I'll take it.
Also, if you're not familiar
Also, if you're not familiar with SVN, I have to wonder what you meant by "technically savy." Perhaps you could respond with some verbal description and a diagram.
no, Om,
I already know I'm in a bubble.
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and caldron bubble.
CAMILA, MY STORE NOT ONLY LEASES JACKHAMMERS,
I also provide pins.
AND THEN I WILL TAKE YOU TO THE BACK OF MY GARDEN
alchemy
it’s like an emptying… what crows caw to
tossing what was heaped out onto a pile
like compost, how it takes
what needs to burn
and works it with heat
water, air and earth;
and like a chocolate mouth
sucking it down whole
shitting out what something else can use;
the heap that once was turns to gold.
maybe we're all just worms then
in your compost heap!
Guys, Apologies for being
Guys,
Apologies for being absent for long. There is no internet in my apartment. But I have been following most of the Noah/James post (which I will go to and comment on almost now) As for a party, I am in- any day really, and the 24th sounds just fine
no worries
great to have you back :)
NOAH, WHO IS THIS POST FOR?
there's no name on it. If you're addressing me, thanks, it's great to be back, and I'm still seeing nothing.
my yellow snowman!
my yellow snowman!
Am I your yellow snowman?!
Am I your yellow snowman?!
LOL--Sorry Or
A bit of an inside joke; Om is the only yellow snowman I know of.
Good because being yellow
Good because being yellow is one thing, but a snowman? I'm not sure I fit the position.
Poem 2: (and then some)
Sivan, Sivan,
the flowers in your name,
the spring, the sun, the divine
rituals of a somber
girl
Sivan, where are your
sweaters? Your gloves? Your
empty, droopy scarves?
Sivan! Where do you go in winter?
Where do you sleep,
read, where do you meditate?
Do you like the mountains,
Sivan? or are their tops too
bare for you?
Not enough flowers, Sivan,
not enough lilies?
I begun this in class, incredibly inspired by a mispronunciation of a name read by someone presenting, which reminded me of another name, and another person, and somewhere far.
My teacher asked me to please stop writing and pay attention, I told him I'm inspired, and he said, "If it's true inspiration it'll come back." I was struggling with this sentence and am really interested to read what you all have to say about it.
inspiral
after this and that, i am not quite ready to respond to your poem just now. i love the name, and this incessant yet somehow soft questioning; but i've got to hold off for a bit, til a time when my mind isn't so cloudy. but i definitely am fascinated by this sentence of your teacher's. to in-spire is to breathe into; to breathe life into, and so on. of course, your teacher's words are greatly entrenched in whatever other motivations he had when asking you to pay attention; when i've heard that sort of thing from teachers and professors it's often been spoken in a little bit of frustration, sometimes wishing to make a statement to the whole class through one person... this sort of thing. but i'm not sure who this person is, and i don't know quite how it was said, but i suspect it was spoken with intention beyond the mere meaning of the sentence.
i'm not sure what "true inspiration" is, as opposed to, i suppose, "false inspiration." why would true inspiration necessarily come back (or remain)? i can't think of anything... it's inspiration, in some sense, because of the way it feels; it isn't like solving a basic mathematics problem (one can always return to it later and pick up where one left off), but rather it feels like life is being breathed into me at this moment. if i let the breath extinguish in order to focus on class (or vice versa), i am choosing what to attend; perhaps something will evoke the same expression later on, but i don't think it's something to bet on-- not in my experience, at least. so, we have to make the choice. i tend to choose inspiration over class, too, but i do think it is a choice. hmm... i'm sorry, this feels unclear... well, anyway, let's say we were chatting with a close friend, like Om was this evening, and suddenly there is an idea for a poem flashing in our thoughts. sometimes it might be okay, but other times it's a nice feeling that i might simply set aside in order to return to the present experience. other times it's a perfect moment to explore!!! :D
inspiratio
yes, and inspiration can be fed back into the present of whatever we're doing.
how would a whole poem begin, or even the inspiration for one, when you are fully engaged in what you are doing? the poem would be the act of seeing what is present? I think you're right , james. The teacher was probably saying, "pay attention, stay present to this energy here, this teaching." But if you're already off on another inspiration, why not follow it? Only that, it's nice to delve into a class... I've always loved being in class. Unless it was the computer programming lab section of the astronomy class that was not very inspiring for me. never ever in my life did I have someone do the work for me in school except in that class. I loved astronomy, and the physics and math part, but hated the computer programming part. Bleh!
Anyway, it's cool that or stayed with or's inspiration.
btw, in-spiratio has typically meant to be in-breathed by the spirit or muse. i like James' "breathe life into". it takes the muse inside (where it belongs) but the feeling is still one that seems to start from origins unknown and so the following it, the riding it and seeking to articulate is a way back to the original feeling or "inspiration."
Yes Cat, the teacher did
Yes Cat, the teacher did mean "stay present to this energy here," and my confusion is based on staying present. because "life was being breathed into me" through the class, i think I was staying present by writing. Actually, when I put my writing away, because I was asked to, I felt I was betrayed the energy of the class, and thinking of different things, not accepting what was being given to me by the energy of my classmates/teacher (all of which are very inspiring).
I find that it is very easy for me to write while watching art, especially listening to live poetry / music . Maybe it's because I'm breathing in their energies?
[insert interesting title] please read me..
Sorry it’s so long. It will be worth it... I think. :)
I am nothing if not a recluse. I hate sunlight, heat, and generally, people. Though on the latter, I must be given some leeway, as most of the people I am exposed to are hormone-crazed adolescent males. Of course, the females aren’t much better, they just have the to prudence to smile while they’re shouting at you.
Therefore, it should come as no surprise that my social skills are…underdeveloped. I avoid social situations like a plague, instead choosing to bury myself in any book I can get my hands on. When I find myself unable to avoid such situations my anxiety takes hold. I begin to sweat. Pain begins slowly crawling up from the pit of my stomach and settles in my chest.
Let me pause for a moment to discuss the intricacies of human consciousness and existence. When I was little (no more than 10) I spent time contemplating the people around me. I vividly remember sitting in my moms beat up Volvo, her behind the wheel and me at her side in the passengers seat, wondering: is she real? This of course is relative, for what is real? I was aware of myself, heard my thoughts, but I could not hear hers. Maybe she didn’t have any, but if that was true then she wasn’t real, was she? Maybe I was the only real one and she, my father, brother, and everyone else were robots. Or better yet, figments of my imagination. However, one could argue that if they were figments of my imaginations they were real to me. But at ten, I had not conceived of that yet. It would only be later, after much time and thought that I would truly come to accept that in whatever twisted reality I existed, my mother would always be my mother. It was not depended on whether she was “real” or not. Her influence would be the same regardless because my I would still perceive her to love me.
My long awaited conclusion is this: I do not like things I do not understand. Yet I accept that I do not understand them. I fear the unknown. In books, I know what the characters are thinking. I can, and most often do, predict how they will end. Life is not like books. In life, I am no more skilled than anyone else. In life, I must accept that I am not in control.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Again, sorry for the length. Writing makes me think. I like to think.
Anya,
I enjoyed your post a whole lot. It's hard not being in control, especially when interacting with others. I have to keep reminding myself everyday that the world of relationships is constantly teaching me something new.
Today, on my way to work on the subway, they stopped the train for a sick passenger. When I went to see what was going on, I saw a frail, old man, dressed in a suit, slumped over on the floor. Another passenger who was looking after him, looked up and said, "There's no pulse, he's passed away." At that moment an incredible chill and a sadness passed over me. I felt so vulnerable. I felt sad for this man who died in a subway car away from family and friends. And it was such a drastic contrast to have so many people alive and vibrant, and then to witness another person at their most vulnerable.
And for all the fear, sadness and shame (before realizing what was happening I couldn't understand why the sick person didn't just get off the train and wait for assistance at the station) that I felt, I also felt incredibly alive. Everything mattered. Every second and every feeling became precious, so precious that for that moment I remembered what it was like to be present in the constant moment that is life. All I had time for was appreciation. I wanted to thank this man because his loss gave me so much.
I am not passing judment on you. I am 35 years old and I struggle with my shell every day. I just wanted to share with you all the beautiful things that are out there. Not the say that they don't exist inside either, but they are different, and they all offer up different varieties of life. Good luck and see ya at the party!
NICO, MY MAN, THIS IS POWERFUL
"I felt sad for this man who died in a subway car away from family and friends."
This really moved me. Thank you. Very very powerful.
thanks, Om. maybe we can
thanks, Om. maybe we can get together over dinner and talk about it?
Anya II
this part of your post keeps jumping out at me,
"It was not depended on whether she was “real” or not. Her influence would be the same regardless because my I would still perceive her to love me."
Could you elavorate, if you wish?
Reply to Nico
I knew that second sentince was a little funky. :) Maybe this will help:
Even if my mother was not "real", that is if she was imaginary (or a robot), I would still see her as my mother. What makes my imaginary mother any less real than my physical mother? In my mind she would be real. Would she not still love me? If she was infact an imaginary "friend", than I was her creater and I had created her for the purpose of acting as a mother, as my concience.
Does this help...or make you more confused.
in response to Anya (and Om)
i've recently discovered some pretty amazing philosophical insights on this difficulty; in philosophy it's often referred to as "the problem of other minds." if i don't have access to your mind, how can i ever really know you're a human being like i am? but of course we know-- to see a (live) human body is to recognize it as a human. we've got a special kind of freedom, a special way of interacting with the world, and the way we exist allows for indefinite possibilities. in other words: when you see a human being you know you're looking at a human being (in part) because you're looking at someone you can't predict. also because other subjects are part of our own self-awareness-- we are separate from others who can then recognize us (or fail to recognize us); i think this has to be built into the experience of others, as well. why would i be so afraid of an intimate relationship (especially considering that i feel that is what i most need...) if i did not recognize the other as a subject to whom i am exposed? i allow myself to be exposed all the time in front of walls, paintings, birds... but people? well, that's a bit more scary...
i do think it actually makes your relationship with your mother more precious and more beautiful that you recognize her as another human being; i think this is maybe what makes love so wonderful... it's like Om's dinner, he writes: "I said [to my dear friend] that I knew she would never leave me, and she asked how I could know that. I responded, 'Because I wouldn’t let you leave, I would fight for you.'" he is remaining committed and responsible to the relationship, and he is, in fact, choosing to do so. even though it sometimes feels like compulsion, we are free to choose whether to remain in a relationship or not. this is partly what implies such great responsibility-- i am responsible to the relationship because i am choosing to be in the relationship. otherwise i can complain and say, "i don't WANT to be in this relationship-- i have no choice. so why give it any effort? it just drains me." but just as you are free, so am i, and the fact that i am choosing this relationship means i am making the committment to this relationship... Om continues, "Commitment is not really about the length of time we will be together, but rather about the depth of intimacy we will share in real, authentic, consistent, honest and open terms." this is what drains me about this hypothetical relationship-- i am choosing the commitment, but i am denying it at the same time. i'm dismissing my responsibility and the relationship itself. i'm not sure if any of this came out right, or if it makes any sense or even feels relevant; but if perchance it did and does, i believe the fact that you recognize your mother as a human being makes the commitment and the responsibility to the relationship, and your love for each other, all much more significant and amazing than were she merely an extension of your own mind. this is all open to challenges :)
JAMES, THIS IS A REAL
JAMES, THIS IS A REAL BEAUTY
From this delicious post of yours, I’m choosing three of your statements to discuss and would like to respond to each separately:
“why would i be so afraid of an intimate relationship (especially considering that i feel that is what i most need...) if i did not recognize the other as a subject to whom i am exposed?”
I read this as, “I am afraid of being intimate with you because you are an other (subject).” I think it’s safe to say we fear the separateness because our brains no longer have the instinctual equipment – as do other animals – which dictates life coordinates as behavioral mechanisms for survival. What we as humans have-- and which has replaced what we might call instinct -- is a self-reflective mind that is dependent on relationship to exist and thrive. Further, it is this self-reflective mind that allows this being we call human to step outside its own body, its own instinctively-determined life coordinates; indeed, beyond the very time and space which orders its reality. This being called human, unlike any other being, knows itself and knows that it knows itself, and is capable of looking inside its own looking and the looking of others. Sounds great, but there is potentially a huge cost.
Because we beings, so-called human, are self-determined, free and purposive, and depend, not on instinct, but psychology (mind) to function, we utterly depend on relationship within complexly organized developmental schema to survive and create meaning about a life that we know, unlike other beings, will end. And you question why we’re all fucked up?
And you question why we’re afraid of intimacy? Of course it is because the other is another subject who has (merely) the (transferential) power to re-enact, over and over again, the original ruptured attachment that (most likely) failed at helping us smoothly separate BECAUSE it didn’t (sufficiently) foster attachment. Wow, what a task for any being human! So, what do we “forward-looking” brilliant socially-conscious educators do with our kids to ensure the single most important human task there is -- parenting – is properly taught? Listen to this. We wait until we’re all thoroughly grown down and fucked up and send them to shrinks, who then go to their accountants, who inform them that they will continue to sufficiently financially support the Iragi war!!!! Brilliant I tell you. Fucking brilliant! Where is my Presseco?
“even though it sometimes feels like compulsion, we are free to choose whether to remain in a relationship or not. this is partly what implies such great responsibility-- i am responsible to the relationship because i am choosing to be in the relationship.”
This is a lovely formulation. I smell an existentialist sausage here. We are free to choose but the problem is, which mind is choosing? Is it the conscious or unconscious mind? You see, not only accountants look for loop holes! But, the good news is that we have two players in this relationship, and it is the fact of two subjects that potentially ensures that one of the subject’s unconscious is not jumping overboard. This is why I said in my post, `Fear and Intimacy,’ that both partners need to be responsible to the relationship’s needs for consistency, authenticity, honesty and openness.
“i believe the fact that you recognize your mother as a human being makes the commitment and the responsibility to the relationship, and your love for each other, all much more significant and amazing than were she merely an extension of your own mind.”
This is really gorgeous and I totally agree with this and for a number of reasons. We speak of interconnectedness often but we also need to recognize the role difference, diversity and plurality play in relationships. As mirrors to each other’s subjective otherness, our very evolutionary telos sprinkling down from its kosmic heights, in all its exquisite multiplicity, challenges us to grow through increased complexity, organization and structuration. This is called evolution. And how is this accomplished? Through difference and through the otherness of alterity. This is called learning. No, not learning things and facts and knowledge, per se; but, learning thinking and knowing and cultivating self-awareness and awareness. But, most of all, it’s learning paradox. No, no, not the accountant’s version of now it’s here, now it’s not. No, it’s the paradox of difference revealing, through the process of self-awareness, the ultimate nature of reality… and we all now know what that is :)
Intimacy and parenting
I think it is a no win situation for parents. No matter what happens, it is always because of the parents, is it not? Too attached. Not attached. I am a fabulous person because of where I came from and I am a miserable cranky person becuase of where I came from. And in the end it doesn't matter either way, since I have to eventually take ownership of myself.
And yes, you may consider me cranky. I have a lot of sharp edges this week and I blame it all on my mother.
EMILY
Karma ;)
Karma
What do you mean? I don't get it in this context....
?
?
karma? - wikipedia
Through the law of karma, the effects of all deeds actively create past, present, and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one's own life, and the pain and joy it brings to him/her and others. The results or 'fruits' of actions are called karma-phala. In religions that incorporate reincarnation, karma extends through one's present life and all past and future lives as well.
KARMA MARMA
Everything's karma, there's nothing that's not karma. I had a teaching once with Choegyal Rinpoche. He never gives teachings but he was kind enough to give me one. My Buddhist friend told me that I could ask him a question, and so I meditated on it for three days and it had to do with the fact that he (along with many other spiritual teachers) got love-bombed as children: loved loved loved. And began receiving teachings when they were three and four. I told him when he was receiving teachings, I had a key around my neck while watching Magilla Gorilla and Gigantor. I asked if he could explain this to me. He said one word, karma. Probably the most beautiful teaching I ever had. It also probably explains why my posts are so short.
Karma Defined, Again
Karma is defined as: the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existence.
I think you are in lala land or have not explained things thoroughly.
ARE YOU SAYING I'M IN LA LA LAND
Now here's the very first person on this blog since its inception that has finally recognized me. Anya, thank you. You get a slice of 4 cheese pizza with mushrooms on me. And, Emily, I'm willing to bet that sounds so good right now, right?
Om
I hate mushrooms.
ANYA, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT
How presumptuous of me. I'm picking out your toppings! Shame on me! tell me what you like: anchovies, pepperoni, St. John the Baptist. Anything and it's yours.
Go Anya
Sometimes parents can be so proud.
Pizza does not sound good right now. But slicing and dicing does. I am having a hot flash and would prefer something very cold.
7
there are a lot of people tuned in right now (7). are you all going to stay up for hours bantering?
ARNOLD, I COUNT 6, NOT 7
And since I never count, let's makes that 5. Only Anya recognizes me but maybe because I'm buying her a pizza, or because I'm in La La land. I don't know.
arnold was number seven!
arnold was number seven!
his eyes...
his eyes...
NOAH, WHO IS THIS POST FOR?
I usually ask for names so I know who you're referring to. if that was about me, thank you. Many people like my eyes, even though they see nothing.
OM, GO FUCK YOURSELF
:)
THAT'S TWO TONIGHT!!!! ANYA AND NOAH
I AM RECOGNIZED!!! It's not only my accountant! Thank you. I could hardly find the keys I'm so excited. Come, all of you, to La La land with me.
Noah
Om, might be able to go fuck himself if he keeps it up.
YES, EMILY, AND IT'S CALLED
safe sex.
HEY NOAH, YOU OWE ME A RESPONSE
let me go find that post.
AND GET A REAL JOB
AND QUIT HAVING FUN! it's disgusting; truly. either that, or bottle your fun and sell it-- that would count as a real job.
LOL!!!! IF I DID THAT, JAMES, MY FUCKING ACCOUNTANT
would want half. And then more missles to Iraq!
James
On my screen it shows you are on twice. So you are both five and six.
I would like to be number 1
EMILY, YOU'RE MY NUMBER 1
crank.
EMILY, YOU WANT SOMETHING COLD?
well, it won't be me. You have a hot flash? I AM a hot flash. But, how about some parents on the rocks. The ice will vaporize them.
CRANK IT UP, EMILY
I always loved this idea about being too attached. It reminds me of Dr. Wu, who tells patients, You think too much. I say, Wu, it's not think too much, it's worry too much. Of course, he never listens. How do you think too much? How can you be too attached? You could think the wrong way, you could be insecurely attached, but how can you be too...?
Doesn't that make you feel less cranky now?
Cranked up
OK. We can argue words. One can be attached to the point of suffocation. Unable to separate. All I was saying it is inevitable that parents screw up their kids - it's just a matter of degree. But at some point everyone has to stop navel gazing.
There are times I don't want intimacy - maybe, because I just can't stand the person I am with. Or maybe I can't stand myself. If I don't slice and dice the other person in the process he or she will survive, and I will eventually make peace with myself again. I'll survive too.
I am standing up for the right of parents everywhere to fuck up a little.
rights
you are arguing for a parents bill of rights.
Yes
Arnold. I think that is fine idea
*
*
HEY, ARE YOU GUYS ARGUING?
Let me in there, I haven't had a good whacking in a while.
heads
we might be arguing about how free Emily is entitled to be in biting off innocent heads
Not arguing
but that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to. It doesn't matter about what.
Blame, the truth of the matter if you really want to know
It's menopause. It lasts forever. And before that it is pre-menopause. Before that it is just the dot at the end of the sentence. That is my parent. This is where I place all blame for everything. I was never attached to this process. And then it ended. But it never ends.
Gmail and before menopause
But the pre- is a place a space.
i can't get into my gmail account.
Is anyone else having difficulty with this?
LOL! EMILY, I'M PLAYING WITH YOU
Everyone fucks up; if they didn't, they wouldn't be here. We're all here to fuck up. It's called evolution. But, what about accountants? How come they're allowed to fuck up? And politicians. I'm building nuclear missiles and sending kids off to war. That's just great for my karma. I'm going to have to get the new extra strength Dove.
Actually
I am just feeling like a cranky brat. I have to take two state boards to continue doing what I am doing - crazy stuff that has literally nothing to do with anything that I do. If there is anything that gets my back arched and my claws out is rote learning for the sake of rote learning. And no.... I do not want to embrace it. There is an insane family that I am dealing with - sisters trying to forge their signatures on different documents to get hold of their father's money. I stay very much out of it until they try to pull something on me and then I get very angry to think that anyone would really think I am that stupid. Oh, I sit, and breath and get very calm and compassionate and realize, really realize that they are very sick and suffering,, but then another call, another email and I feel like screaming. I don't want to be calm. I don't want to be nice. I don't want anything except to keep everyone away so that I can just be left alone..... I don't want responsibility. I don't want to do anything I don't want to do. I am tired of being an adult. Arnold says good morning and I growl. Om wants to play and I want to fight. I know..... I am about seven years old and stamping my feet and sticking out my tongue. But I don't care. I am pretending that I am queen of the mountain and it is my power to make everyone miserable, but I don't really make anyone miserable, because I am so ridiculous and I know it.... but I don't care! I do not have to be a grown up if I don't want to. At least not tonight. So there.
I DIDN'T SAY I WANTED TO PLAY
I said I wanted to fight. Butm then again, fighting is playing to me, so go figure. I have more people telling me to fuck off, shove it, get a real job, and to go fuck myself in any given day and, I'm sorry, it just turns me on. What do you want from me?
the same thing we all want
she wants you to keep it up
;)
James
Keep what up? :)
What I want
undying love. What else is there?
Oh, Emily,
while you are cranking up about parenting and fucking up and Arnold is wondering what the fuck is going on in his menopausal wife who just wants to slice and dice and Om is shopping for extra strength shower gel named dove to get rid of the stinky smell of nuclear missile politics, i am meeting with a friend of mine who is lending me his books on parenting, which has helped him understand his own childhood and will help me understand in general, but who knows, and then I am home wanting a husband who wants to want a child with me and then me who is not sure if I want to with a husband who doesn’t want but would if I wanted to but do I even want to? and then I get to hear that I would be the one who wouldn’t take care of the child and leave it up to him and make a big mess and be self absorbed and scattered and all over the place. How is that for fucked up communication and recognition? And then I read that you were glad to “see” me and thought I was beautiful and that you knew that all along and that you are looking forward to meeting me. and I am so happy and can’t wait to meet you, too. And yes, please bring your hammer along or better the hammer and the explosives, which would go well with the firecrackers that go off out on the streets up here in sugary hill, and then you can help me build the yoga-ashram-farm-artistresidency etc. out of the rubble or not and then I think yes, dreaming is okay and fucking up is okay, and fucking up as a parent is okay, but it is not okay not to be present and stop looking into the other’s eyes and so I think I should just first learn to parent myself and there you have it:
If I were my own parent
First, I would set up a drum set in the middle of the living groom
I would play music as loud as possible
I would dance with you until we could not go on any longer
I would tell your kinder garden teacher that you were going to sing and whistle as loud as you pleased while drawing pictures and not think that you were crazy
I would sing for you
I would read to you
I would say I love you just the way you are – and mean it
I would tell you that you are beautiful – and mean it
I would hug you every day
I would let you be wild and fear less and not be afraid of that myself
I would show you that jumping into the ice cold water is not going to kill you
I would let you fall in love with as many people as you pleased
I would let you be touched by gentle hands and lips
I would let you fall in love with music, photography, poetry and dancing
I would tell the piano teacher to chill out and have some fun
I would celebrate your accomplishments and not be afraid that you would become arrogant
I would not be afraid of the light inside of you
I would not be afraid of the darkness either
I would not expect you to make me happy
I would not make you feel guilty for having to do a job I hate
I would show you that I could change and take responsibility
I would bake cakes with you
I would let you run free outside with your friends until dark
I would let you go skiing and sledding with your sister in the dark when no one else is outside
I would give you a home
I would nourish you
I would take you to the mountains swimming and hiking and blueberry picking
I would let you sleep in the hay stack
I would let you sleep in the tent in the back yard
I would give you your first camera
I would let you have your own goat and call her Leica
I would climb the mountains with you in case she got lost
I would go camping with you and fishing
I would go for walks with you and have intimate conversations
I would let you spend a whole week in your pajamas
I would let you swim naked in the mountain stream and lakes
I would take you to the waterfall
I would have barbeques in the forest and at the river for your birthdays and other days
I would listen
I would listen to you cry
I would listen to you laugh
I would look you in the eyes
And I would plant a flower for each feeling and emotion you are going to experience so that you will learn how to care for them and get to know their scent and peculiarities. And I would let you take naps in your wildflower garden in the afternoon sun. I would lay next to you in the field of flowers and kiss your eye lids fluttering like butterflies right before waking and invite you back and with a smile I would ask you: any dreams? and then wait and watch you drink your tea.
Emily
there is a thunderstorm going on up here in ny. is that you?
One Sentence Nadine!
One long, sultry sentence with lots of curves. A racket of words winding their way to recognition.
Nico,
at least i have curves in my writing. thanks for recognizing!
Nadine, I love your
Nadine, I love your post. Of all the things you write about parenting yourself - are there aspects of these that were given to you as a child? Which ones are the mirrors into you own childhood? I know, from your posts, as well as everyone else's here (including my own) we talk about all the things that were missing or just terrible from our early life, but what, if any, are the beautiful things from that period of life - those things from which we build with a smile? I guess this is a question for everyone.
Hey
Was everyone invited to the same Bar Mitvah or something?
must be! i'm back in
must be! i'm back in whitestone again...
Emily, my party was
falling asleep with a migraine at 7 and not waking up until early this morning. i will try to respond tonight after i am back from my workshop. thanks for your question ;)
Emily, yes, there were
many beautiful things in my life. This parenting list came about after I had finally realized that I had been on my parent's, my teachers' and society's side, supporting the voices that kept telling me that I wasn’t good enough, that I would never be able to take care of myself, that i was selfish, bad, not smart enough etc. I looked at my younger self separate from my adult self. I had criticized her just as bad all these years.
And by looking at that, I found out that despite all the things that I had lacked, I did have a lot of experiences that were nourishing. My mother and my sister had a lot of fun together doing crafts, she would bake with us, she would sing my favorite song over and over, she would play ball games with us outside, my dad would read to us sometimes, we went hiking, blueberry picking, swimming in the rivers, my mom would let me play all day outside with my friends, and she would let us go sledding in the dark. We would go to Italy and visit museums. And when I was seven years old, our little sister was born. A great opportunity to experience with her what I had been missing. I always made an effort to listen to her, to really be there for her.
But the times I spent at my aunt and uncle’s farm were the ones when I could really be myself, I did have my own goat, I would go searching for lost ones in the twilight up the forest mountain along my uncle’s side. I listened to his calls for the animals, I felt safe. There was the hard work I participated in, my aunts screaming and cursing in the fields, there was music being played, different than the music at home, there were always interesting people visiting, you never knew what would happen next, there were struggles, there were arguments, there was never enough money, there was my aunt’s sadness and anger, but it wasn’t threatening, there were long talks between my aunt and I, arguments between my aunt and uncle and their two kids, I felt safe. And she let me wear my pyjama top day and night for the time I was visiting.
The best thing about writing this list was realizing that I had been given many of the things on my list. And that I have been providing parts of the list to myself for a while now. I might not be very good at giving myself emotional support, the recognition I want, at cultivating the garden of emotions - it isn’t what I got a lot of practice in. I am slowly realizing that i can let my parents go without feeling guilty and knowing that the seeds are there and that they have sprouted makes me smile.
JAMES, THIS IS A REAL
JAMES, THIS IS A REAL BEAUTY
From this delicious post of yours, I’m choosing three of your statements to discuss and would like to respond to each separately:
“why would i be so afraid of an intimate relationship (especially considering that i feel that is what i most need...) if i did not recognize the other as a subject to whom i am exposed?”
I read this as, “I am afraid of being intimate with you because you are an other (subject).” I think it’s safe to say we fear the separateness because our brains no longer have the instinctual equipment – as do other animals – which dictates life coordinates as behavioral mechanisms for survival. What we as humans have-- and which has replaced what we might call instinct -- is a self-reflective mind that is dependent on relationship to exist and thrive. Further, it is this self-reflective mind that allows this being we call human to step outside its own body, its own instinctively-determined life coordinates; indeed, beyond the very time and space which orders its reality. This being called human, unlike any other being, knows itself and knows that it knows itself, and is capable of looking inside its own looking and the looking of others. Sounds great, but there is potentially a huge cost.
Because we beings, so-called human, are self-determined, free and purposive, and depend, not on instinct, but psychology (mind) to function, we utterly depend on relationship within complexly organized developmental schema to survive and create meaning about a life that we know, unlike other beings, will end. And you question why we’re all fucked up?
And you question why we’re afraid of intimacy? Of course it is because the other is another subject who has (merely) the (transferential) power to re-enact, over and over again, the original ruptured attachment that (most likely) failed at helping us smoothly separate BECAUSE it didn’t (sufficiently) foster attachment. Wow, what a task for any being human! So, what do we “forward-looking” brilliant socially-conscious educators do with our kids to ensure the single most important human task there is -- parenting – is properly taught? Listen to this. We wait until we’re all thoroughly grown down and fucked up and send them to shrinks, who then go to their accountants, who inform them that they will continue to sufficiently financially support the Iragi war!!!! Brilliant I tell you. Fucking brilliant! Where is my Presseco?
“even though it sometimes feels like compulsion, we are free to choose whether to remain in a relationship or not. this is partly what implies such great responsibility-- i am responsible to the relationship because i am choosing to be in the relationship.”
This is a lovely formulation. I smell an existentialist sausage here. We are free to choose but the problem is, which mind is choosing? Is it the conscious or unconscious mind? You see, not only accountants look for loop holes! But, the good news is that we have two players in this relationship, and it is the fact of two subjects that potentially ensures that one of the subject’s unconscious is not jumping overboard. This is why I said in my post, `Fear and Intimacy,’ that both partners need to be responsible to the relationship’s needs for consistency, authenticity, honesty and openness.
“i believe the fact that you recognize your mother as a human being makes the commitment and the responsibility to the relationship, and your love for each other, all much more significant and amazing than were she merely an extension of your own mind.”
This is really gorgeous and I totally agree with this and for a number of reasons. We speak of interconnectedness often but we also need to recognize the role difference, diversity and plurality play in relationships. As mirrors to each other’s subjective otherness, our very evolutionary telos sprinkling down from its kosmic heights, in all its exquisite multiplicity, challenges us to grow through increased complexity, organization and structuration. This is called evolution. And how is this accomplished? Through difference and through the otherness of alterity. This is called learning. No, not learning things and facts and knowledge, per se; but, learning thinking and knowing and cultivating self-awareness and awareness. But, most of all, it’s learning paradox. No, no, not the accountant’s version of now it’s here, now it’s not. No, it’s the paradox of difference revealing, through the process of self-awareness, the ultimate nature of reality… and we all now know what that is :)
NOAH, QUESTION FOR YOU AND THE GROUP
Imagine as we sit together in silence, as language slips into the background, in the same way that silence slips into the background as we speak. We know that intimacy speaks through language and through silence, provided it has been established and cultivated over time. I think we all have a sense of what intimacy is, but we don’t often speak about how it is communicated in its various forms, particularly in the silence. I am curious about what happens in those silent moments between two people, when language no longer tethers the implicit tensions within and between two people. The space is now still, and yet the energy somehow begins to take a form of its own and fill the space. I love that energy and the meanings it conveys. But what is that energy and from where does it arise? And how does it speak?
OM, When The Moment is Silence
This week I've been sick, but now the rain has arrived. From my open window, cool air and the sound of gently falling, thunder rolling, a warm blanket. I can hear the rain gutter dripping onto the concrete courtyard beneath my window. A twig snaps--a dog barking, a car door closing, the click and ping of a delivery boy cycling home: I hear them all distinctly, and as part of a larger symphony of sound, breathing. This is the earth's most beautiful sighing. I feel the air passing cold into my chest, warming inside my body, filling me with calm. The rain tells me to listen and finally I can hear. I feel the expanding boundary of my breath and am no longer lonely, though tonight I am alone.
This is what I imagine it might feel like to sit in peace and silence with you. As our language slips into the background, we listen to this space, the rain, each other. Perhaps I hear the breath flowing in and out of your body as I feel it in mine. It feels okay, here in this space, to not know what you are thinking, because I feel that you are listening, that I too am finally able to listen--I feel this trust with you and the rain. My mind quiets, my body relaxes. The blocks of tension, resistance and shame dissolve. I do not feel the compulsion to name each thought, each feeling, to identify it in language. It feels unnecessary; when I try, the sense of ambiguity and uncertainty becomes frightening.
But I know other, uncomfortable silences, when I yearn to bind my anxiety to language. Then, when I try to speak, I want to let the language go, to flow with the current of our feeling. But my body holds tension; I shift, trying to release--this is another, subtler chattering of the mind, distracting, turning my attention inward. Its hard to sit and listen when I feel so uncomfortable. I think that this anxious energy speaks shame and concealment so old that it has been stored in my shoulders, my lower back, my calfs. I don't know how to reach it with my language.
Can we finally learn to trust inside language? To me, trust feels as presence: sitting, listening. The rain tells me: We speak in order to be silent.
I NOAH MAN INSIDE THE RAIN
“The rain tells me to listen and finally I can hear. I feel the expanding boundary of my breath and am no longer lonely, though tonight I am alone.”
Noah, I love this mind of rain from which you speak. It reminds me of Stevens’ winter:
One must have a mind of winter
To regard the frost and the boughs
Of the pine-trees crusted with snow;
And have been cold a long time
To behold the junipers shagged with ice,
The spruces rough in the distant glitter
Of the January sun; and not to think
Of any misery in the sound of the wind,
In the sound of a few leaves,
Which is the sound of the land
Full of the same wind
That is blowing in the same bare place
For the listener, who listens in the snow,
And, nothing himself, beholds
Nothing that is not there and the nothing that is.
I see you struggling with that shifting between psychological conflict and spiritual release, seeking that space that will, in some way, answer to your desire for peace, for the tensions of thought to flow away outside the holding of identity. And yet, this space is uncertain and ambiguous by its very nature, and so I wonder if your anxiety about what’s unclear is actually what keeps you tied to the fear. To give fear – or any emotion, for that matter – to the real instead of merely what exists, is to suffer. We know that what is real is permanent; what exists is impermanent. As you know, this little piece of wisdom apprehended as a knowing rather than comprehended as knowledge is the touchstone of liberation.
My sense is that you want to listen to the rain – as Stevens listens to the winter – in order to receive nature’s teaching of nonattachment; or, more accurately, the metaphor of nature as a pointer for what is, as it is. Form is emptiness, emptiness is form; or, more poetically, “Nothing that is not there and the nothing that is.” I like to call nonattachment just letting go, because it so beautifully aligns itself psychologically with sadness. Sadness is the letting go of the suffering caused by loss. This is why I entitled my aphorisms `Meditations on Loss, Suffering and Joy.’ This is the psychological process analogous to nature’s what is, as it is. When we understand this, we become “the listener, who listens in the snow.”
I do not feel the compulsion to name each thought, each feeling, to identify it in language. It feels unnecessary; when I try, the sense of ambiguity and uncertainty becomes frightening.
And yet it is language that carries us to the letting go, the wisdom teachings and the principles seeking poetic form, if not full awareness. We cannot confound language and silence, but we also must not reject language, or deem it the cause of our suffering. It is suffering that is the cause of our suffering; how it feels when we distort our perceptions and delude ourselves into believing unreliable thoughts.
Its hard to sit and listen when I feel so uncomfortable. I think that this anxious energy speaks shame and concealment so old that it has been stored in my shoulders, my lower back, my calfs. I don't know how to reach it with my language.
This is beautiful, Noah, really gorgeous. Especially this last sentence. That’s what it comes down to, right? How to reach suffering with language; or, as Nico tells us, how to formulate unknown thought and find ways to articulate it within the context of relationship.
Can we finally learn to trust inside language? To me, trust feels as presence: sitting, listening. The rain tells me: We speak in order to be silent.
If you mean the wisdom inside language, then I would say, yes. If you mean, the wisdom opening up to the silence of nondual awareness, then absolutely. In this way, we speak in order to be silent, yes yes yes
Om, you Snow Man--this is one of my favorite poems.
And I suppose that I imagine that silent energy between two people, unblocked and intimate, to be aligned with this spiritual awareness. That somehow, Steven's teaching of non-attachment is an essential awareness (for me) in this silent communication. And letting go, as you call it, is at least for me the most apt description--indeed letting go (of shame, fear, defense, tension etc) is the feeling and the action I am reaching for.
"I wonder if your anxiety about what’s unclear is actually what keeps you tied to the fear." Yes, exactly. When I was talking about naming, what i really meant was using language as a way to control or defend against that which is ambiguous or uncertain. Binding the anxiety to an objectified language.
When Stevens says "And, nothing himself, beholds / Nothing that is not there and the nothing that is" the ostensible paradox and ambiguity of his language (much like the language of a koan) requires non-attachment and, in that emptiness, makes its meaning clear.
jasmine
why, Noah, i'm so glad Om asked you. he's always trying to bring out the intimate in us, and we feel safe enough to try to go along because he does it so ... effortlessly ...
(apologies)
this post is as beautiful as your earlier response to Om's question to you and the group. i like that between you, Caterina, Nadine, and me (did anyone else respond?) we got various perspectives on the question and various ways of responding and voices and feelings ... it turned out to be a rather beautiful question.
and-- at last -- thank you both for bringing me back to my man Wallace Stevens, and his poem 'The Snow Man,' which has been a favorite of mine for some time. and i just love the way you guys are reading it-- about a year ago i shared a similar reading in a classroom setting and was replied to with a kind of scorn; i wasn't terribly liked in that class, and when i brought up buddhism and emptiness, everyone quickly asserted that Nothing means nihilism. i think i grumbled a little bit and kept quiet when i realized they were finished discussing the matter. you also made me think of my very favorite Stevens poem-- i wrote a titillating little essay on this poem for that same class (boy did my professor hate it... it opened "Wallace Stevens is a prankster." ;) so i have already had lots of fun delving into its language. by the way-- did everyone notice the curious syntax of 'The Snow Man'? it's set up in such a fascinating and beautiful and challenging way. so here's another love of mine, enjoy!
Jasmine's Beautiful Thoughts Underneath The Willow
My titillations have no foot-notes
And their memorials are the phrases
Of idiosyncratic music.
The love that will not be transported
In an old, frizzled, flambeaued manner,
But muses on its eccentricity,
Is like a vivid apprehension
Of bliss beyond the mutes of plaster,
Or paper souvenirs of rapture,
Of bliss submerged beneath appearance,
In an interior ocean's rocking
Of long, capricious fugues and chorals.
Noah, when I read your post,
I can hear, feel and taste the rain you are describing. The way one can hear better and clearer despite the rain. I can feel the air being pushed through my window with the first rain when the tension is released into a steady rain and the breathing becomes deeper and the letting go starts. When the language subsides.
And letting go, as you call it, is at least for me the most apt description--indeed letting go (of shame, fear, defense, tension etc) is the feeling and the action I am reaching for.
I believe that I have talked about being ashamed to cry or to be sad or to express any emotion other than happiness. And how I had done everything to avoid being sad. Where I come from, the rain can last a long time, day after day, rain. Melancholy creeps into every corner. It blankets everything. And trying to get out from under there becomes almost impossible.
Lately, though, I have come to love the rain. I love to walk across central park in it, I love how it holds my sadness now, how it helps me carry it, how sometimes I can cry when it rains and lets me see the beauty of it.
And now, thanks to your post, I can get close whenever I feel like it. I open the window and read your post and invite the rain in. Thank you.
Anya part III
your response does clear things up until i get to the end.
"I had created her for the purpose of acting as a mother, as my concience"
the word conscience intrigues me because i don't associate mother with conscience.
what do you mean?
Reply: Anya part III
Nico, sorry it took me so long. I am not very good at checking the blog. :)
I could think of my mother as my conscience because she brings forth the best in me. I come to her with my troubles, my anger at life and the people around me and she sits and listens. Afterwards she speaks to me of the nature of humans and life. She tells me my anger (and the actions I might take because of it) while they may be justified, are not the course I should take. I should instead think on how I could achieve the same results through different methods. She tells me that it is okay to have such hatred and anger, but it is better to understand why I have these feelings at all.
Perhaps conscience was the wrong word, but does this help you understand my meaning?
reply reply 2 Anya
As you can see, it also takes me a little bit of time to reply. But reply I will. Thank you for your response. It does help me understand your meaning a little better.
NICO! WHAT'S NEW IN THE WORLD
of Nico? BTW, has anyone seen Camila? We don't want to let that one get too far.
om, can u handle my world?
cilantro!!! i have been eating cilantro like a mofo the past week and a half on the suspicion that it may help my body rid itself of the mercury i think i may have. as children, me, my brother and sister, would play with the mercury from broken thermometers. so much fun and so bad for the body. anyway, also thinking back on all the lack of environmental regulation in chile in the 1970s and i suspect i might have many metals in me.
so i have been eating the cilantro and i have experienced more energy, greater clarity of mind and thoughts. i don't know it it's psychosomatic, if it's really helping clear mercury, or if its something else (like the warmer weather and sun of the last week), but only time will tell. i will let you know.
i haven't seen camila but i did hear from her and she is doing fine. but she has dropped out of late. you to think of it, the posts have been down the last few days. but then again, the weather is nicer so i suspect the bloggers are outside instead of inside glued to their computer screens.
and how about you, Om. any interesting dinners with friends lately?
NICO, CAN YOU HANDLE MY LOVE?
I had mercury poisoning from too much tuna and went through a detox program for three months. My mercury level was four times the normal level, though I was relatively asymptomatic (however, I did feel empty and tended to see nothing). The mercury was diagnosed through hair analysis, if you're interested. I chose to get tested after my mother's death in 2005 and the young age of 77, after she suffered from Parkinson's and dementia (which some suggest might be related to metal toxicity).
I say that getting tested was my mother giving me a second birth, since I might have suffered the long-term effects of mercury poisoning. Thank you, Iris, my sweet.
So, Nico, cilantro is a natural chelation substance and might indeed be helping to give you more energy. Go for it, my man. But, don't forget,
sit, write and love
satyagraha
I am here. It feels so nice to be missed. And I thought my posts were getting annoying! I have been off in the ethers a bit, a little out of it but not necessarily in a bubble way. I think I'm trying to piece different thoughts and feelings together. nothing's really happening to describe, but it's almost like things are finally starting to align within me. It's hard to articulate really. I have seen family and friends recently who I haven't seen in awhile and they all ask what's going on? what's new?, got a man? There's a lot going on, but it's all internal.
I saw Satyagraha this Friday at the Met. For my first opera going experience, I sure picked a doozy! or should I say dozy : ) just kidding, I only fell asleep in the third act! The opera is by Philip Glass and tells the story of Ghandi in his early years in South Africa, when many of his ideas about peaceful nonviolence were being formed. The libretto is the Bhagavad Gita being sung in Sankrit (which is perfect since I have to read it for this yoga immersion I'm doing in May and I feel much more inspired to do so now). The words were not translated, but occasionally key pieces of the text were projected onto the semi-circle stage backdrop built out of corrugated iron. The set design was unbelievable. There were huge puppets and large cut-outs of the corrugated iron that were used in various and interesting ways, along with newspapers, which were featured prominantly. The music was classic Philip Glass, both repetitive and meditative. By the end of the 3 hours and 45 minutes you are brought into a deep contemplative space. He composed the opera in 1979, but it's message is even more crucial today. I think many of you on this blog would like it a lot. You can get $26 nosebleed seat tickets, like we did. just be prepared to sit and bring your binoculars, preferably not the huge birdwatching ones my mother brought.
CAMILA IS MY GRAHA OF `TRUTH FORCE'
Thank you for reminding us about Philip Glass's second trilogy (Einstein on the Beach / Satyagraha / Akhnaten) about men who changed the world. I'm trying to get tickets to the new production (Ceili, you must go!!!!! for the set design) of the Satyagraha opera, which is a semi-narrative form about Mahatma Gandhi's early years in South Africa and his development of non-violent protest into a political tool. ("Satyagraha" is a Sanskrit word meaning "truth force").
By the way, Camila, Rinpoche" literally means "precious one" and the title is generally reserved for tulkus (incarnate lamas) and those recognized by the proper authorities within a lineage as "choje lamas" ("superior dharma masters").
Camila, you also sound like James' comforter when you say, "I think I'm trying to piece different thoughts and feelings together. nothing's really happening to describe, but it's almost like things are finally starting to align within me." I love this. Please share more. Let the words be your "blanky."
precious one
well, Om, I lost my precious blanky a long time ago. She was yellow and so, so soft with that satin border that I loved to scratch. I can still conjure up the soothing feeling I had when I would rub the thick corner between my thumbnail and forefinger. I don't know whatever happened to blanky (I actually called her "banky"). It seems like she disappeared just when I needed her most. Perhaps I substituted her for the community of stuffed animals I would line up on my bed at night. I would take turns sleeping with each one, so they wouldn't feel left out or that I loved one more than the other. hmmmm? I guess this was what I was working through at the time (and probably still am to some extent). I was always part of some friendship triangle with 2 other girls, rife with competition and jealousy, much like the triad of my mother and sister and me. I could never compete with my sister's mirroring of my mother's image, which is both physical and characteristic, and felt such shame for being me, always rejecting what was different. Later, I just had P.B. (polar bear), who I spooned everynight for years, even in college. He lives at my mother's house now, in New Paltz, where I occasionally indulge in an intimate night of cuddling with my old dear friend.
Now, at 34, I'm finally coming into a deeper awareness and appreciation of who I am, just in time to let it go. But I still long sometimes for banky, my faithful companion, and that delicious corner of bliss.
BANKY RINPOCHE
I think you're the precious one, Camila.
Camila
this is gorgeous, camila. you keep weaving these intricate stories of language and self that just leave me mesmerized by the knowledge of self and awareness, and the seamless transition into language and meaning.
SPEAKING OF PRECIOUS ONES
How are you doing Nico? She's amazing, isn't she? And rumor tells me that she's single.
Om and Nico
thank you both for your loving responses. I have a big grin on my face that I hope to carry through my day. you are both so precious to me.
rock steady
So, after an enlivening exchange with Nico and Om before I left my apartment this morning, I stepped out into the crisp and bright Spring day. this is what came on my ipod, as I strolled into the office with a big smile on my face.
anya, a story about my sister
Once, a long time ago, my sister was visiting me in Washington DC. When it was time for her to go, I drove her to the airport. She got out of the car at the drop off section and headed for the terminal entrance.
At that moment, watching her walk away, I saw her as a separate soul in the world. Carrying her own burdens... with her own destiny. All of this in spite of our long history together.
It is difficult to describe this moment. I felt everything in one rush. Sadness. Happiness. Loneliness. Separateness. Her being. My heart was raw and felt broken in a good way.
Later, on the telephone, I tried to explain this to her. She misunderstood and became angry. I think that she felt I was condescending to her.
Anya, Arnold, a story about my brother.
My family is a very loving and caring environment, and even though both of my brothers have moved to the other side of the country I still keep in touch and love to talk to them.
Just a few days ago, my older brother sent the rest of us an email (mum, dad, eldest brother and me) containing one of his recent blog posts. He does not like to share anything with us... when he was younger my mum made a small critique on a story of his that she really loved and he never really showed us any of his writing after that. Except every once in a while.
So he wrote a little note saying that he debated whether or not to send this to us, but of all people we would probably appreciate it.
What I read next was eloquent and personal and beautifully written. And aside from it being a wonderful account of a particular journey he had taken, there was something else to it.
I read a paragraph about how they traveled across country before he was even one year old.
In a way I can almost see my infant self staring out the car window, smiling as the vast landscape of the North American continent stretched out before me, as the scenery outside the side window steadily changed like the most amazing picture book a child could have.
This threw me for a loop... suddenly it occured to me that my brother is older than I am. I have known him my whole life.. but there was a time when I wasn't in his. It seems silly to say that now, but the actual realization of this was pretty incredible.
I don't have much time so I'll get to my point... In reading this recollection of his I felt very close to him. I have always known that I am related to him. but here I felt related to him, and the rest of my family, and to so much more. There was a moment of real understanding that I am not alone here, there are many people who love me, who I am connected to.
So I told him this, I wrote back a small response saying how proud I am to know him and how good it feels to relate to him. The next day he told me that he really appreciated my email. I told him that I think he writes beautifully, and he told me that he thinks I paint beautifully. (These don't seem so thrilling, but believe me it's big.)
Anyway, what I wanted to convey is that I feel a little bit closer to my brother as a sibling but also as a person. Just like you described, Arnold, I could really sense his life for a moment.. his struggles and dreams and the girlfriend that he never told us about. It was so enriching to feel how real he is, even from thousands of miles away. (Anya, I used to wonder whether they were all robots, also)
And I owe a large part of this understanding to all of you guys, here. My short time on this blog, and knowing all of you, has opened me up quite a lot. To relationships of all kinds. I just wanted to say thank you, for your stories and insights and everything. I feel I am constantly growing within my small stature.
Response to Ceili. Distance
I am ecstatic that this blog has helped you to understand. I think that understanding people takes distance more than anything else. We cannot often see those closest to us clearly.
My family was, and still is, extremely close. I think a great deal of that is due to the fact that we lived in a very small house and where always tripping over one another. I have come to realize that sound, at l plays a great deal in this. I sit in my room and hear them moving, know where they are at all times, and am glad.
My brother and I were closer when we were younger, and seperate when we were older. It was only as he was leaving that we found each other again. However, it was not until he had really left, cleared out his room (metaphorically. all his junk is still in the basement) and gone to college, that I truly began seeing him as a person, and not as my brother.
It has been my experience that distance rather than closeness is the true path to long-lasting relationships. I know it seems counter intuitive, but I think it is true. I never talked to my brother when he was here, but I talk to him now that he is gone (Noah if you are reading this I have been busy with schoolwork, Senior Thesis and all. We will talk more soon). I think the reason for this is because it is easier to express our deepest emotions through written words. It eliminates the possibility of a violent response. For example, I have found it easier to tell my deepest secrets through instant messaging rather than on the phone, or in person. The reason for this is simple. If they are ashamed or angry I will not have to hear it in their voice or see it on their face, at least not yet. Additionally, it is easier to tell these things to strangers. Text does not have a face or voice, so what is it if not strange and anonymous.
i love this story, arnold
because it speaks to me of those moments of recognition when you recognize someone close to you, and in such a deep way... but that when you try to explain it to the person they don't get it and are present to their transference.
But isn't that relationship? Your seeing and their ability to receive your seeing? when they don't receive, that's when it's time to cross the bridge of understanding their seeing. Holding your desire to see your sister as separate... and then listening to her. i am so excited right now because I am going to meet my sister in Texas and we're going to clear out my Ant Lou's house together. Not her Ant so much... we're step sisters... I felt a closer bond to Lou. But she's coming and this means the world to both of us.
I have these moments often with my sister of seeing something that I want to share with her, and she may not get it. Ah, this happens all the time in all of my relationships. But it's my seeing that i get to share. It's intimate. And it's about me. And it's about me and her when I want to bridge that gulf between us... and seek more intimacy.
I am so looking forward to following and listening whatever needs to come forth. And play! This is primary. Work, do what we need to do, and play. We haven't done that in so long!
Anya, Nico and Arnold
Anya- I relate so much to your post. I know the feelings and thoughts you describe. I lived with what you describe for many years, and slowly when I moved to the city I begun withering away from it. Sometimes I go back there. I read books or watch movies or read posts like yours, or some others on this blog, or anywhere else really, and talk to some friends, and I feel myself wondering why I am not in that place anymore. And I wonder if maybe I should go back? Maybe I left something important there. But I know I didn't. It's important for me to remmeber that. and it's important for me to remember that although it looks so so so nice to be that girl again, I already was that girl, and there is no need to go back.
Nico- You chose such a path today. I don't know if I would have chosen the same- but I guess it would depend on the day. Your reaction to this passing seems incredibly calm. I can relate to it sometimes. I usually choose this path, sometimes I feel guilty for it, and sometimes I feel as if I am forcing myself into it. Anyone could have taken the situtation and had a miserable day, thinking of death, and the termination, and sadness, etc. But you chose instead light and spirit and upward movement. I love it.
Arnold- I would not be able to explain such a thing to any of my family members. I have experienced it also, (in one way or another) and have learned, the painful way, that keeping it within me is the best choice, because it does not benefit them when I share it, nor does it benefit me. The way you described what you saw is beautiful, I felt it and know it.
Hey, Or, nice to meet u.
Hey, Or, nice to meet u. thanks for the words and letters in reply to my post. i was very fearful at first, and everyone i saw i the crammed train after had one destiny only: death! which of course made the whole experience some much more precious.
anyway, i might have missed this, but how did you come to pick the name Or?
Nadine
I am so happy to" see " you. I have been checking back every once in awhile to see if you posted a photo. You are so beautiful as I knew you would be. I can't wait to meet you!
Very nice to meet you
Very nice to meet you also, Nico.
I was born with the name Or. It's Hebrew and means Light.
What was the interaction between the people on the subway (station+train) after/ during the passing/death/situation/etc. (??? for some reason I'm having trouble naming it)
Or/Light! Great name. I
Or/Light! Great name.
I assumed Or was the name you had picked for your online presence. I chose Nico after a character in one of my stories. But my real name is Vinny.
The people aware of the man's death had the presence to grasp the gravity of the situation. But a little bit away, on the crowded platform of annoyed riders, the indifference was stark. One guy was even ranting to himself something about removing the passenger to the hospital. Surreal.
Even more surreal, was the next day, yesterday, on the 6 train at 59 and lex, the train was holding at the station waiting for medical assistance for another passenger! Holy shit, two days in a row. It turns out it was a crazy person feigning illness. Finally she was talking out of the subway car to the roar of the passengers, and we were able to keep going.
Nadine
beautiful photograph of yourself. Thanks.
NADINE
What's under that smile? Emily, I think she's so beautiful because she reads Rilke in the original German. Makes me sick, really.
Om,
just wanted to let you know that i am going to read "Du, mein Freund, bist einsam..." right now before going to sleep. maybe twice. or even more. how are you feeling now? still sick? good. good night, i need my beauty rest. i also have to get up early to go to a permaculture workshop. i at least want to know how to build this damn house out of the rubble.
PERMACULTURE?
There is no such thing, it's all relative and impermanent. Wise guy.
Nadine
I love your weeping spring blossom. it makes me want to cry it's so beautiful and I can't stop thinking about this image.
but why did you change your photograph?
Camila, the blossoms and Noah's rain
Camila, it is nice that the blossoms make you want to cry. i am envious ;)
Noah's post (don't know how to link it) about the rain and the silence it brought him Saturday night reminded me of my own feelings about rain. i wanted to point to this photo in my post to Noah, and since i did not know any other way, i used my profile's page. it never showed up on my screen though. i tried many times. and while i was writing about the rain, i forgot the time and all of a sudden I had to run out the door to get to my workshop. i will post it again as soon as the rain has passed. i was a bit surprised by the responses to my portrait, i am not used to be "seen" ;)
Nadine, I hope you don't mind
I stole your photograph. I copied it onto my desktop so I can look at it all the time.
I do prefer to see "you", in addition to your beautiful photos (that have a little bit of you in them too).
I WAS JUST INFORMED, WE HIT 3,000 POSTS AND
this weekend is our 6 month blog anniversary. Noah, you truly are an Ark.
Noah’s Factory of Ark
And he would have to raise money
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a most taxing task
an old testament for a Jewish
man following tradition
but he would have time to think
while cleaning the stalls
and feeding the stock.
They came in twos
but really only the select few
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So, he sat there, bearded
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then streams; day emptied into night
night into endless wet, in the growl
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against thunderous smack of sea;
The creaks and cracks of wood
rumbled and thumped, the animals
roused in a raucousness of zoo; snorting
and howling. neighing and clucking,
honking and growling, in grunts and croaks
snorts and squeaks, brays and barks.
Towards the ceiling, the birds perched on beams
screeching, scratching, and piping in a cacaphony
of notes behind the ambiguity of fear.
In the stalls the animals gathered:
goat, llama and alpaca; vicuña,
camel, and horse; rabbit,
beaver, and badger;
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and Noah so deep in thought
no sound penetrated; until
of a sudden, out the furriness
of desire, the realization came: textiles.
textiles
...i thought it was plastics! :P
I NOAH A MAN WHO GETS MY REFERENCES!!!!
Geez, I'm really feeling recognized tonight. Let's see if James see Sam Harris :)
seeing
James isn't looking tonight. many words looks like too many words tonight; curiously, i'm still awake. earlier today i ate half a burrito. only half because while halfway through i found myself chewing on something i couldn't chew through. i pulled it out of my mouth and stuck it on my plate, thinking it was some sort of rind, or something overcooked. then i watched it sprawl out, finished the food in my mouth, and cautiously reached out towards this unchewable bit of burrito... it was a piece of a black plastic trash bag. i stopped eating the burrito at this point. so now i'm up trying to find out what would've happened had i consumed it, if anything.
Probably nothing, James.
Probably nothing, James. but i pretty nasty experience. you're a better person for it. No?
IN HONOR OF NOAH, I WOULD LIKE TO REPOST
one of my very first posts.
THE (POST) MODERN DAY NOAH
This is the account of Noah.
Noah is a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walks with God. Noah has one blog: Intimacy With Strangers.
Now the earth was corrupt in God's sight and was full of violence. God saw how corrupt the earth had become, for all the people on earth had corrupted their ways. So God says to Noah, "If George Bush hasn’t beat me to it, I am going to put an end to all people, for the earth is filled with violence because of them, and besides, I’m getting bored of video games. I am surely going to destroy both them and the earth, and especially that place on Second Ave. with the bad sushi. Oh, yeah, and Sam Harris. So make yourself a blog of biodegradable virtuality; make rooms in it and coat it with photos inside and out. This is how you are to build it: The blog is to be infinitely long, wide and high, and well you’re a kid and know more about the internet than I do, you’ll figure it out. I am going to bring floodwaters on the earth to destroy all life under the heavens, every creature that has the breath of life in it. Everything on earth will perish. But I will establish my covenant with you, and you will enter the blog—you and your community of strangers with you.
Noah did everything just as God commanded him.
The LORD then said to Noah, "Go into the blog, you and your whole new community of strangers, because I have found you righteous in this generation. Take with you seven of every kind of clean person, mostly females, and two of every kind of unclean persons, also female, and also seven of every kind of hard up poet and photographer, male and female, to keep their various kinds alive throughout the earth. I feel bad for them, let’s get rid of the competition. Seven days from now I will send rain on the earth for forty days and forty nights, and I will wipe from the face of the earth every living creature I have made." But, remember, don’t tell anyone else because I’m God and it doesn’t sound very compassionate. I have a reputation, too, you know. Fuck with me and I’ll sink your blog.
And Noah did all that the LORD commanded him, but was anxious. He had a midterm coming up.
Noah was six hundred years old when the floodwaters came on the earth, and the oldest kid in his class, but he kept in great shape. And Noah and his new community of strangers entered the blog to escape the waters of the flood. Pairs of clean and unclean persons, mostly female, and of all creatures that move along the ground, except Republicans, came to Noah and entered the blog, as God had commanded Noah. And after the seven days the floodwaters came on the earth.
I have such a deep
I have such a deep respect for this, Om. And your poem also.
That's all I'd like to say about it at the moment. Thanks.
OR, THANK YOU. I'VE BEEN AWAY, SO WAS HOPING
you could tell me which of my posts you're referring to. Thanks again! Hope everyone had a good weekend. Just celebrated my lovely friend's 50th birthday upstate. One of the most touching and moving celebrations. She is just so loved. We must all remember, that despite our struggles and even suffering, life is celebration. May you all hold that close to your hearts.
Noah's Arc poem+story
Noah's Arc poem+story
AH, THANK YOU! YES, NOAH IS AN ARK OF A MAN
and has created something pretty amazing here. And, now, I have to read his response to me since I asked for it :)
watch this video
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/243
Al Gore speaking, with some optimism, about the specific challenge facing us now
It's Nice To Be Here
___
_/____\__
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