And it’s from me or Emily. Is that a new earring? How ornate! Or is that the Jamaican flag hanging from your ear? Arnold, you’re a Bob Marley fan! Ganga! Wow, Mr. Plumbean is gorgeous. You must bring him to the party. He will be tan from our Mexico trip but so happy after he sees his relatives. I loooovvvvveeee this photo! And it’s within earshot!
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The famous national grade resort Jiuxiang Scenic Spot the member of international cave association. It is located in Yiliang Jiuxiang Yi nationality and Hui nationality are 90 kilometers east of Kunming city. It is only 60 kilometers away from the famous stone forest scenic spot. Even though there are not the glorious and traditional architectures, beautiful and regular landscape like the spots in Summer Palace, but the natural and simple resorts will let you love this area. Jiuxiang scenic spot is a mew spot in Yunnan province. The cave landscape is the mainly scenery in the spot. Jiuxiang scenic spot is a comprehensive resort containing natural scenery, humanity landscape and nationality amorous feelings. There are hundreds of big and small caves in the spot. It is the cave group system with the largest scale, large number and special cave landscape. The other character of Jiuxiang is that the water here is very beautiful. There is not only the two kilometers underground river in cave to go boating, but also flying waterfall, gorge river way with rising steeply walls on the two sides. Go boating here you will realize the natural quiet and mystery. Jiuxiang is the living area of the Yi nationality ancestor and has long history nationality traditional culture and strong nationality amorous feelings. Among all of the festivals, Jiuxiang Super Hunter Festival is a ceremonious nationality festival. To celebrate the Super Hunter Festival every year, people hold various activities to express the happy atmosphere, the revere to the hunter and the hope for the good harvest. The activities include tumbling, bullfight, antiphonal singing, Dasanxian music and so on. If tourists have a Yunnan travel in February first in Chinese lunar calendar, you will meet the ceremonious Super Hunter festival. Besides the caves and the festival, the flower and stone in Jiuxiang are also famous scenery. The orchid in Jiuxiang is most beautiful. There are large numbers of orchids in Jiuxiang. Jiuxiang is the hometown of the flowers. The rare stones in Jiuxiang also have appreciation value.
How synchronous that Mr Plumbean arrives on the scene as we talk about fear, anger and death (what Buddhism would categorize as karmic formations). Mr Plumbean shares the story of the two birds, from the Mundaka Upanishads (Upanishad refers to that divine knowledge or wisdom which loosens the bonds of samsara, or transient existence and dissolves the ignorance of one’s ultimate true nature and leads him to Brahman or God).
“Jiva and Paramatman [are] two birds, inseparable companions of each other sitting on the same tree, one on the higher and the other on the lower branches. The bird on the lower branch (individual soul) keeps eating the fruits of the tree (results of karma) some sweet and some bitter and experiences joy and sorrow. As the lower bird grows disgusted of the taste of the bitter fruit of the tree, he looks up to the splendid vision above him of the upper bird and draws himself nearer to him. But he soon forgets the glorious vision in his love for the fruits of the tree and keeps returning to eating the sweet and bitter fruit. The latter just sits majestically ever calm and collected, never touching the sweet and bitter fruits. The lower bird continues to experience disgust again and again but slowly keeps advancing a little more towards the splendid vision before him. So on he advances, till at last, when he reaches the upper bird, the whole vision changes, and he finds himself to be none other than the upper bird (collective soul) who was sitting in all splendour and majesty all the time.”
Arnold, Your pictures always take my breath away. Mr. Plumbean is beautiful. I love how the picture allows us to relish his splendor and smile at his mischievous behavior all at once.
I met a photographer on the plane that made me think of you. I was privy to a very special gift. I was watching from behind as he went through his photos and adjusted the ones he liked for his website. It turned it into a game and would try to guess which ones he was going to choose before he imported them into his adobe program. I was lost in the images for over an hour, they were so captivating. It was a really nice treat, in someway I felt like I was seeing straight inside of him. I imagined he was a photojournalist and putting choices together for his editor. But when I had the chance to ask him what he was going to do with the final pictures he told me he was going to post them on his website. www.toddcam.com
Thanks for sharing this picture Arnold, it is really wonderful.
I should tell you that this bird hates me. He takes pleasure in drawing blood from my body with that vicious beak. This photograph is in the baroque style.... it is the instant before blood spurts from my ear and I go ballistic with anger.
So although he may look cute at the moment of this picture, it does not tell the whole story. Now I do fear him and this crazy behavior makes me very angry. There need to be bars between us or I am not around.
Arnold it’s karma, sweetheart. Mr. Plum hates you for a reason. Maybe you were an owl in your previous life. Maybe you didn’t respect his otherness. Maybe your blood was the sweetest meal he ever had.
If it makes you feel any better, Mr .P has a new arch enemy – my computer mouse. He waked down the ladder to my desk very quietly and then attacked it. He actually lay on his back with the mouse in his mouth, wrestling it, opening his wings around it. I had to swoop down myself to save it – he tore bits of plastic off. Maybe he thought you were a computer part. In any case, he does not appreciate you saying bad things about him. But I thank you for disclosing your relationship. Like I said, I think working things out on the blog is fine but it helps to know a little history. (That’s all I was saying James. Just fill me in so I don’t feel as if I am reading an abridged version of book that everyone else has read.
And OM - DEATH DOES EXIST. Sure we can call it transformation, sure I think that my sister’s spirit is still around, but what was is no longer. Call it change. Call it transformation. I still call it DEATH.
Emily and Plumbean, I said, “And I imagine myself taking Anya and sitting her down in front of me and saying, What would it mean for you if death weren’t real? I don’t mean metaphorically, I mean in actuality.” The key word is “real,” not “exist….There really is no death because there really is no one to die.” And then I said, “for they are in fact the same thing, death and fear: neither one is real.” There is so much suffering because we live with people who unwittingly reinforce the unreality that is, combined with being away from nature and solitude.”
Yes, death like Mr. Plumbean and Arnold’s bloody ear exist (and now me wrestling you on the floor of love) but they do not inherently exist, which means they’re not REAL. They are neither permanent nor independently existent. We suffer BECAUSE we do not understand this truth; it’s that simple and that complex. The deeper we realize this truth, the simpler it becomes and the less we suffer. And yes, I believe there is an absolute cessation of suffering and it is possible while alive, perhaps not in this lifetime for me but soon enough, as long as I sit and cultivate compassion for all beings, without exception. Now, I know you know you know and that you know I know you know, so why are you breaking my balls?
I don't know what you mean by real. Or how how real and exist differ. I'm quite serious here. I may know, but I don't understand. What am I missing? I don't know. Is there no death because things are simply transformed? And even so, that is a kind of death, a kind of ending, perhaps with a new beginning, but an ending just the same. And, I mourn endings as equally as I celebrate beginnings. I thiink we are crossing paths here, but I don't exactly know how. How do you know your truth is the only truth? I really want to wrap my mind around this - but my arms are wrapped still, and always, around you. Shall I send your balls a get well card?
this is exactly what I asked from James, so I thank you and am deeply appreciative. You say, "I'm quite serious here." You see, James? That's my cue, that's all I need. And I'm not being condescending, I'm serious. With that said, I am running to the new Scorcese Rolling Stones film, `Shine a Light,' so I can't respond right now. But, I promise I'll be back perhaps later to shine a light on this most, the very most and most very significant question of what exists and what is real, and how they are related (since they are both empty) but opposite in their meanings. I would love if anyone else would address Emily's question before I get back, if you're around.
Your specific question, how do you know your truth is the only truth is especially important to me. I certainly have never said MY truth is the only truth, nor is anything MY truth in the possessive sense. I only share what I know from direct experience, not from any doctrine or scripture and, according to Buddha (who resonates deeply for me), for anything to be true, one must have direct experience. For me, this is why religion is deeply suspect and susceptible to serious critique. Like you, Emily, I am a truth seeker, not a truth purveyor, even if and when it sounds or feels as if I am proselytizing.
Last night at the IMAX theater was a treat indeed. Scorcese’s `Let the Light Shine’ was a close up of the Rolling Stones concert at the Beacon Theater. And I mean close up. What I loved most was the feeling of being onstage with the band and observing how they interact, not so much with the audience, but with each other. There were many tender moments and an amazing flow resonating between them. Just exquisite to witness. And, of course, the raw energy and 45 years of music! Say what???
And then there’s Emily, whose question I wanted to address. Though the Rolling Stones have been together for a long time, these guys are in their 60’s, and so, what do they have, another 30 years of performing left? At some point their stones will go unturned and will no longer be rolling. This is what I thought about last night. Mick Jagger has really aged and is now a grandfather. He was 63 at this performance. If I were susceptible, as I once was, to nostalgia, I would probably feel pain at watching this performance, for a few reasons; one of which is my identification with the band, and so witnessing a mirroring of my own aging and eventually death. In a nostalgic mode, I would also likely long for a time now lost. Both of these dynamics would be dependent on my attachment to, not only history and time, but to a self that positions itself in a history it perceives as existing as isolated, independent and permanent. This self, called Paul, craves and grasps at these ostensibly isolated moments and wraps itself around the images called memories with emotions of longing and loss. The emotions fuel the attachment to the past and therefore cause suffering when confronted with the fact of loss.
But, what if this self called Paul is not what Paul thinks it is? It exists for sure because his consciousness names it and experiences it, and other consciousnesses reinforce its existence by interacting with it in similar perceived ways. But, is there a chance that what Paul perceives as an autonomous and permanently existent entity, is an unreliable perception? In fact, what if what Paul perceives as autonomous and permanent is in fact not an entity per se at all; that is, that the self known as Paul, in its essence, lacks solidity and autonomy and permanence? What if Paul was actually an “activity” of consciousness literally connected to all other phenomena in a kind of web or energy fields that, given the limitation of human perception, only appears as solid and permanent? And what if that were true of all the attributes associated with this consciousness named Paul; that is, that they were activities of consciousness interconnected with all other activities of consciousness constantly in a flow of change? And what if this included language itself, the very form that shapes reality and gives names to activities of consciousness, such as, birth, life, death and suffering? What if no one ever assigned an identity or category to self and birth and death, nor placed certain values on them which, in turn, indicated a peculiar type of suffering in which we are all familiar? What if we grew up in a culture that believed that death was not what we have defined death to be, but was instead an opening to another garden of consciousness, one perhaps more joyful?
I think you get my point. What I am describing here is not MY truth, but a fundamental critique of what we have been conditioned to believe in and call real and absolute. It’s amazing to me that people, including myself, believe in suffering. Suffering is a construct of language, which fuels other constructs related to power, control and domination, which, in turn are themselves constructs. We have assigned values on a number of culturally constructed and privileged activities which, by their nature, cause suffering. Death and family and religion and relationship and competition and status and race and gender are a few. So what is my ultimate point here? These things we call phenomena exist, but they exist in appearance only; that is, they appear as they do because of the way the 5-sensory brain perceives them. However, the way the brain has evolved, something quite remarkable has happened to a few brains: the awareness of internal self states and the capacity to represent internal self states through language. With a highly complex integration of cognitive processes and reasoning, the awareness unique to humans is a self or meta awareness that, for some, has evolved even further into an awareness of a more inclusive consciousness coextensive with ordinary existence. This higher level awareness is what Buddhism, for example, calls the cognizance of emptiness, the ultimate nature of (mind) phenomena; which means 1) that phenomena lack permanent (inherent) and autonomous existence, 2) that the things of this world are fleeting, ephemeral; and 3) because phenomena have no intrinsic reality, they can have infinite manifestations.
Finally, the direct experience of this realization is said to eradicate suffering because it recognizes the very causes of suffering. In Indian and Buddhist philosophies and some western mystical teachings, the cause of suffering is the ignorance of this ultimate reality.
Ultimately, that is. Just in case James attempts to block me from one of my long-winded posts, I’ve found a loophole and decided to create two less-winded winding posts, because I’m not finished with Emily yet. I will fight until she doesn’t have the strength to get off the floor and leave me. Regarding what exists and what’s “real,” I had another interesting thought having to do with the evolution of the brain and boundaries. With the emergence of the neocortex in the later phase of evolution, language and logic appeared and brought with them the self-reflexive mind. Interiority was born, how the world looks from the inside: how mind feels, perceives and cognizes existence. As brain extended, so did boundary. If we look at different types of self/other boundaries from the perspective of a vertical dimension, we can see how existence changes and dissolves more and more with increased depth. For example, development takes us from physical self/other to emotional self/other to conceptual self/other to cultural role-self/role-other, and with it, a “loosening” or extending and ultimate dissolution of boundary. I would argue that the loosening of boundaries allows us to transcend (or outcontext) the limitations of a previous developmental stage of differentiation (while, at the same time, including them). For instance, the emotional self is a more differentiated (and complex) self than the physical self, and in turn, the conceptual self is more differentiated than the emotional self.
Personally, my interest in Buddhist philosophy guided me through these earlier “understandings” of self-in-the-world. With a deep analysis and consequent direct experience of emptiness, for example, mind itself began to loosen its hold on the nature of solid objects and autonomous perceptions of reality (and the concomitant suffering engendered in those perceptions). It also allowed me to loosen boundaries with my friends in such a way as to create more intimate and therefore healing and growth experiences. When I help a friend out, I help her to understand how this boundary called self is necessary in order to dissolve it into interconnected awareness. That process of dissolution, however, can take a long period of time and not everyone achieves it. But, at least they are guided towards that direction.
Om, thank you for responding to my questions. I think where I tripped was on the word empty, which means something quite different in the context of Buddhist thinking than how I perceive it’s meaning in my normal everyday life, where there is a judgment that I attach to it. But I see that it means that things – our minds, have no lasting existence. It is not a dependent entity but something that is interdependent on many things for its existence.
Intuitively, I know this to be true. At times it is alive in me and guides me. But still, there is a level in which loss (death) still holds its power over me. I feel this churning fresh. There are concepts that still reside in my mind only, that have yet to be swallowed into all of me.
I just reached my acceptance in a program with my teacher this summer. It is a 6 day course/retreat in California this summer: CULTIVATING PRESENCE: TRAINING RETREAT IN COMPASSIONATE END-OF LIFE CARE. It is a time to dig deep into these issues, to mediate, to talk, to explore. I feel a fresh vulnerability arising, something that does frighten me a little, but it is good, I know. It means there are things ready to rise to the surface to be greeted, looked at, and released. While the retreat is geared toward people in the hospice and health care professions, I think that it cuts right to the heart of the matter: death, how we live with it, how we accept it, how to stay present in ourselves.
And the image you creates of sitting on the beach, thinking about Iris - that will stay with me. I will think of you as the sun comes up.
this is in response to Megan's beautiful thank you note; and Megan: take your time, no worries. you inspired a very lovely reflection for me, and i'm so glad to get to explore my anger, and yet also my love and gratitude, for my childhood and parenting, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera :)
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i got stabbed and shot this morning. okay, that's an exaggeration, but my arms are sore. i got five shots (three in the right arm, two in the left) for my trip to Nepal. i didn't know we're suppose to get a tetanus shot every 8-10 years (whoops) but i know now why no one told me. they suck! i'm all bruised up (poor guy), but i'm much better prepared (not just because of the shots, but also the info i received form the nurse) for a safe trip. and i like getting to use the word 'safe' here, because i get the sense that this sort of safety makes risk all the more rewarding. recklessness is risk over-the-edge. there's some disconnect there; at least, that's the sense i get. whereas excessive caution is under-the-covers. there's no capacity to reach outside of oneself and be spontaneous, to live. in my case this has come from paralyzing fear. i've never been terribly reckless, but certainly overly cautious.
anyway, i think we all know the sort of safety we hide in. but then there's a different kind of safety. maybe it's the safety of boundaries. to be safe enough in this relationship to be able to fuck up and know the relationship is still there. that's pretty cool. so many of my relationships, one forgotten call is more whining and cursing. of course, this 'safety' can turn sour, too, if one lets me get away with all sorts of nonsense. come on, take this relationship seriously. i fuck up, too, and you need to tell me when i do so. yeah, it's starting to sound like healthy boundaries, this other kind of safety. and maybe it's also about having the tools to be able to explore and expand. like these shots. it's kind of a dopey metaphor, but i'm safe enough now to move deeply into my new relationship with Nepal, and the people i'll meet there, without fear, without hesitation and apprehension-- and yet, without recklessness. it's a middle ground, a balance. maybe it's also about awareness, the way that i'll be able to eat and drink without constant panic, and yet without dangerous laxity, either.
so i was walking down the street with my sore arms dangling at my sides thinking about this in vague detail, and then i came home and read Megan's thank you note, in which she writes:
I found myself over whelmed by James recent conversation about childhood and I started to feel that there wasn’t a way to leave a child unscathed. –- James I know you won’t leave me off the hook here. Just give me a few more days to be home and caught up on my life and I’ll dig deeper and reply to your earlier posts
and i thought, "maybe this dopey metaphor applies here, too." okay, so my arms are sore and my body and i will have to work through it for a few days, but then i'll have the fortitude to go to a foreign land and explore, safely. so yeah, perhaps there isn't a way to leave a child unscathed. i'm scared of that, too. but, then again, perhaps that's not what's most important to me. there are always injuries to be suffered and harms to be put through-- maybe what's important is to have the tools to face these struggles. i'm plenty angry with my parents, but aside from all the injury they (unwittingly) inflicted upon me, they (and my karma) also managed to give me the tools to struggle safely; i'm always grateful for this-- even though it still sucks (...seriously...) to struggle this much at all.
But mostly I have been feeling compartmentalized and a little bit dissociated. Mostly about memories or ghosts of memories of things I don't even remember happened. But these things, they haunt my dreams with clues and signs I struggle to make sense of. So, like you, I have also been getting up early in the mornings. Earlier than my usual time of 8:30 am. Now I find myself up at 7:30, tossing turning and wishing I could go back to sleep and sleep a peaceful sleep that lets me forget and erase everything that bothers me and that I can't quite make out. Too much to ask I guess.
Damnit, this awareness really fucks with my sleep.
I have been trying to keep my head above water recently, home stretch for the schoolyear and all.
I had tried to write something to say how grateful I am that You, Arnold, and Anya invited me into your home, and how lovely and lovingly I felt there. Though the originial thanks got swept up with the undertow, I still feel it and remember fondly my second (and definitely favorite) seder dinner.
My sitting wasn't quite as stormy or releasing as yours sounds. At first I was just going to do some yoga asana practice, but I wound up sitting for awhile longer in the beginning. then I thought it would be nice to listen to this meditation cd I have (Sally Kempton, formerly known as Swami Durgananda). It was cool. I still have such a hard time when I sit by myself to get into the space I can when I'm with others, but I'm trying to just let myself have the anxiety about it and trust that in time it will change. I did some yoga for about 45 minutes after sitting for about 15 and then I did a long restorative sivasana lying over a big bolster with lots of pillows supporting my knees and a lavender scented eye pillow. I played myself music and had some incense going. it was nice. I felt like I was treating myself to something good.
speaking of which, I have a friend who is going through this pretty intense training to be a spiritual life coach. It's like a graduate program, but even more intense since they go very deeply into their own stuff and meditation and other practices are built into it. She has been on this thing lately of dating herself. So far, she took herself out to a fancy dinner, made a special candlelight dinner for herself at home, and I think took herself to a show or something. She's also going to take herself to philadelphia this weekend to see an art show she's been wanting to go to and she's staying in a hotel by herself. She sad that part of the reason she's doing this is that if she can treat herself well and enjoy herself, rather than waiting around for a man to do it for her, she'll attract and be attracted to a man who is healthier. she would probably articualte this differently, since I know it's not just about finding a man, but I thought it was an interesting idea and wondered what you all thought about it. Part of me feels like it's a little bit too focused on the behavior or symptom, as opposed to the root causes of her feelings about herself, but I know she's doing that work as well.
About your work: professional distance or burn out? How can you tell the difference?
My most favorite job was when I was a social worker/activity person for a hotel for senior citizens in the 1970's. It was actually a ship, lost at sea - everyone aging, and no one planning on how to take care of them. No one thought that people would age and die when they started it and so at some point it became a world unto itself. I dealt with everything you could image. But one day when someone died I realized that the death didn't touch me. I felt nothing. Then a man set himself on fire by smoking in his room. He died and I found the body. I felt absolutely nothing. No horror. No saddness. Soon after, I gave notice. I was burnt out and needed a change to recenter myself.
I have much more professional distance now. There are still times, however, when I feel that I have lost touch with myself in what I do. It's such a fine balance to stay present, compassionate, and not absorb everything. Sometimes I think I have grown so much and then other times I feel like I know nothing.
there's definitely some burn out going on in there, as well as professional distance. My theme/intention of last year was to learn how to not take things personally and cultivate compassion for myself and others. I still have a lifetime to go with that, but it's getting easier, and I at least am more aware of it now. The death that you deal with on such a regular basis sounds very challenging, especially since everyone in our culture is so ill equipped to deal with it.
I struggle a lot with dealing with other people's mental illness that is not really my job or anything I have been trained to deal with either. My job is to be a housing developer, which I'm not trained to deal with either, but I'm learning as I go (budgets, construction issues, dealing with attorneys and government agencies, and now also talking with people's therapists and helping them to manage their extreme anxiety and depression). I need to focus on boundaries and not take responsibility for everyone's life drama, which is very hard for me. I feel bad for that 90 year old woman with no one to take care of her but a home health aid, but what can I do? I can't create a family for her. I can encourage her neighbors to look out for her, but I can't make them do it either. I really am in awe of what you do, Em. My experience with the older clients I'm working with is that any kind of change is devastating to them. You can only imagine what it's doing to them that I'm making them move out of their apartments for at least a year into a totally different neighbhorhood, away from their support system. Thankfully, most of them do have huge families who take care of them. And of course, the benefit is that they will move back into non-vermin infested apartments with functioning plumbing and all sorts of healthier conditions.
THis post is all over the place, since I'm writing from work, when I should really be looking at spreadsheets.
more later. this weekend I'm going to a two day art workshop with my mom. I'll tell you guys all about it when I get back. I'm thinking of you all all the time, even if I don't respond to all your posts, I am in my heart.
so i've been pretty super busy these last few weeks working on a pretty big and actually rather exciting project (researching the contemporary status of Buddhist nuns in Sri Lanka -- i'll tell you about them sometime), and now i've got a few more papers to bang out this weekend (lame!), but the other day as i was getting ready to rush home and work and be stressed out, i stopped dead in my tracks and just smiled. i knew it was time to take care of myself. so i went to whole foods, grabbed some grub, went home and cooked myself dinner, lit some incense, listened to some music. thereafter i ended up finishing the big project a full day earlier than expected. and anyway, i just felt good. taking care of myself. that's what i think of when i hear your friend's fun journey dating herself.
so in response to your question-- from what i gather i sort of agree with you, but really i am excited anytime someone is actually taking care of herself or himself. if ya think about it, there's a really disheartening lack of that, just taking care of oneself. everything is frantic. ahh, makes me think of one of my dreams from this morning. i was in a super busy place and there was a panda-koala on the loose we had to find, and when i saw the panda everyone started storming towards it, screaming. naturally the panda was frightened. i kept trying to stop them -- little kids (my brothers were among them), cops (svu squad among them), friends, other adults (my father was there), all sorts of folk -- and finally shouted them into stilled silence. then another one here or there would try and storm in to grab the panda -- as though that was my plan. by the time i finally had most people cooperating i woke up, but i think that sort of panda-monium is the way too many of us too frequently treat ourselves. it's just a mad dash. meanwhile i just wanted to quietly and caringly offer the panda-koala a leafy twig, maybe some eucalyptus. no ruse, no scheme-- just taking care.
when real and exists and dissolving is all tested. I am sitting and sitting, trying to stay centered. My dog is in terrible shape. I visited my parents and my father told me that he is just waiting to die. ( he has been more or less like this for much of his life). My mom is in denial about my dad's state of mind and health ( he is 90 years old). But she thinks he should be able to live ten more years. The family of one of my resident - four fueding sisters sent me all the emails going back and forth in which they accuse one another of horrible things. At least, I was able to deal with that effectively by telling them I do not want any part of it. My main concern is the well being of their dad and to keep negativity out of my life and out of the life at everyone at Thetford.
There are other things that I can't really discuss here that took me once again, to the edge of my compassion. Each time this happens I just feel such a wound in my soul afterwards. I know how out of balance I am. And so I sit and sit. I remind myself what a gift it is to be alive and try to have faith that at some point I won't need to be reminded, because I will just know it so completely that no matter what happens I will not forget. I will not doubt.
So today, when I felt myself sinking, I stood outside by my little pond and watched the goldfish swim, studied the tadpole sucking algae off the rim of a plant, and everything felt in balance. The ferns are going crazy.
If only I could float around in a little habitat designed especially for me and nibble at algae all day as I wait to turn into a frog! I don't have an answer to your question, Em, but you sound like you know what you need to do for yourself. You can't take everyone's stuff with you.
I have a lot of that negativity crap with people in my job as well. I'm just trying to make their lives better and easier and sometimes I feel like they're doing their best to make things worse. The inability to get along with each other, in the case of the tenants I'm hoping to help become a coop, is destroying them from within. Without an evil landlord to focus on and blame for everything, they do it to each other. A lot of it seems to be based on an inability to confront people directly and resolve conflict. People hold onto grudges for decades. They screw themselves over by being pigheaded and refusing to come to meetings that will benefit them because "she's there and I don't want problems". Who am I to judge? I don't have to live next door to a drug dealing maniac (well, I kind of do, but the ones in my building don't bother me). But seriously, the neurosis is deep and wide and I know a lot of it is a result of poverty and desperation and all their histories, but I lose my patience. I really do. Lately though, for some strange reason, I am caring a little less. I'm not sure why. Perhaps I haven't had to deal with it as intensely, but I'm also trying to detach a little and not take things on. compassion, compassion, compassion. and I thank the universe that I am healthy and alive, and as horrible as this sounds, my life is not as messed up as theirs seem to be. we'll see if that works for much longer.
is your friend working on healing himself. Does he see and know what you see and feel about him? Does he have insight?
I think of you as having so much love to give and wanting to help heal people. But you know, I know, that people have to heal themselves and be willing to do whatever it takes to bring themselves to that path and stay on it. That's why I am asking.
Cat, your last two posts are amazing. I can see you are really struggling with this, but you are also swimming in it. And you are not sinking. You are doing your best to process and stay afloat and get to a better place. Whatever happens, you will be better and stronger because of the knowledge you will have learned and the awareness grasped. Though you say you are struggling writing about it, these posts speak to the contrary; they reveal an incredible depth of ideas, pieces that you are working hard to put together into something to learn from. Not to make light of your situation, but go kick that trauma in the ASS!
Submitted by Caterina on Sat, 05/03/2008 - 12:53am.
I am sensing his reality.
We went on a date tonight
and I felt much calmer and relaxed with him
than I've ever been.
Though the boundary of our languages and our experiences
is so clear and I am aware that he may, will, not ever be able to see
me for who I am. I look into that mirror. I do see myself. I am not
not present, but very present. He finds me "always deep". He says, "isn't there anytime you aren't so 'deep'"? And I say "That's your word, 'Deep.'"
"So what's your word" he asks, because this is already known that we use different language (coming from different depth). I say, "'Presence. I would say I am present.'"
He says, "I was telling my guy friends, 'This yoga lady, she's nuts! (He had to assure me this was in a 'good way' - 'cause I got really annoyed by that word). She thinks every word has meaning!" LOL!!!
I said that every word does have meaning because it comes out of some feeling, some state of being, but that doesn't mean I don't recognize when words are meant jokingly or in a light way.
We played sudoku. I think it calmed us both down because he could see that I can engage in something that isn't "deep".
This is all so weird. But I do like him. And he is becoming more real to me and more safe. I know I can trust him, and that's huge for me.
I am really enjoying your stories about your UPS guy. I have sometimes wondered about men that I had aborted relationships with because we were so different culturally and it seemed at the time, too much of a bridge to cross. So I am so interested in where this relationship takes you and what discoveries you will make.
And thanks to everyone for your thoughts. I went out last night to a porch party down the street, drank a few beers, and everyone toasted Strider several times. I stayed busy all day, gardening. I realized that for the first time in a long, long time, my plants and flowers will not be peed on or trampled and no poop to pick up. I miss my dear friend, but realized that he hadn't been himself for sometime. I know it was the right thing to do.
Well, hopefully we will be sitting tomorrow morning together. I will think of all you.
Submitted by Caterina on Sat, 05/03/2008 - 10:26am.
Thank you so much for this reflection of my integrity and struggle!!!
I am feeling better though still feel like there's a big distracting thing in my way keeping me from settling and being present. It's really annoying because I realize that I've been pretty present for a while and so to not be present, there is a presence which feels this non-presence very keenly.
Maybe this experience will make me even more present (diaphanous) when I let it go (or move through it and let it go). I am clear that this experience is about letting go! That is certain.
Something about affirming certain needs over other desires, building a real home out of my needs and through language, setting the foundation, designing the structure that will allow me to LIVE IN the life and world I sense is more real (and being more real, it feels more safe) and give space for sitting and my community and loves and yes a deeper intimate love which may or may not ever involve a romantic partner.
But I can't let go now. I am too addicted to the fantasy of this guy delivering me that package!
It's a force, man.
Yesterday I told him I didn't want to have sex with him. My reasons were that if we have sex it perpetuates a tendency we both have to not ask to get our needs met. But in the course of talking with him without shame about my needs (e.g. for the man to focus on the relationship to allow it to really give him and me something of value, e.g. commitment), he was able to see right through me that I still wanted and would have sex with him! He totally got me to change my mind again. I let him. Damnit! (We still haven't had sex by the way, so it's interesting to me all the conversations that have emerged since our first getting to know one another, untainted by the question of whether or not my current needs are coming out of a desire to re-appropriate the c--k).
One cool thing is that my motivation to heal this guy has shifted! Yay!!
It has lifted to a less urgent place. I don't see him needing the recognition, etc, that I had projected into him. This doesn't mean that i don't expect that that need is part of his basic set of needs, on the contrary! It means I don't feel I'm having that strong transference right now of me or my father into him. Cool.
It means that I am also seeing him more for the man, for who he is, taking him more at face value. I am listening of course, and knowing what i know (about his trauma and personality structures), I am highly sensitive which is apparently gaining me some trust. Which means he softens a little which means he trusts me a little more and opens a little which means i feel myself more and feel my beloved healing energy (life energy) more working here with us.
It's so cool to finally be able to share some of this on the blog. I will try to keep process with you all to seek language to understand what I'm strugling with and experiencing. it is ultimately very cool, very very deep, though also difficult (because of the shame).
hey there Cat. so what kinda Cat are ya? sometimes you remind me of my super-cool Abyssinian named Habib (though when he's not being supercool he's a total bully), but then again, every once in a while you remind me of my Sphynx Chella, you know, the hairless cat-- although this one has grown fur (go figure). He's a sweetheart, though a bit jittery. When he's in the mood for company he'll warm you right up and give you a massage with his loud purring; but when he's not in the mood -- swoosh! -- he's out of the room with a THUD. or are you one of the big wild cats, stalking prey? or perhaps the prey, as well, both lioness and gazelle, depending on the day...
as you know, i've had many teeth yanked out of my mouth. four-at-a-time once, when i was twelve or so (all four baby kanine teeth -- but it didn't hurt, they pumped me up with laughing gas and i had me a good trip). though, of course, i've only had teeth pulled out to make room for more teeth. since all that, and braces and whatnot, my teeth basically leave the rest of my mouth intact. i used to chomp myself up pretty bad -- always a cut here, a bruise there, pain for this reason or that. but, you know, it's an interesting thing about pain. take the operations, for example. four teeth taken outta my mouth with basically a pair of pliers -- felt great, i had a lovely time floating in my seat feeling now pressure, now release. but what my mouth was like "naturally" was constant pain. of course the pleasure during the pulling was a hallucination, or at least a distortion. but our brains can accomplish quite a lot of things, making "pain" feel pleasurable, making dreams feel "real"...
what i want to ask you about is the struggle. but i'm also not setting out to give some big ol' challenge, or anything of that sort. i just don't know where the struggle is. i know where the confidence is -- i see a lot of that. and i don't need to see the struggle (though clearly i'd like to!) -- i just want to ask you about it a little. i guess one way of saying it is, i don't wanna yank yer teeth out. but at the same time, if they're getting in the way...
ahh, i'm all about silly metaphors these days. you'll have to forgive me, i've not been writing poems or songs lately (though dreams aplenty). so indulge me. my teeth-pulling experiences were always with "baby" teeth. i don't want to be pulling "adult" teeth out. see where i'm going? it's a stretch, i know, but i've bit the bullet on this one (ow!).
okay, okay. i'll stop with the teeth. here's what i mean. you've been wanting, i think, to share with us (and perhaps just to SHARE more than you have been?) over the last week or so (i've lost track of time) -- but, like you said, you've been a bit unable to. that's cool-- i think we're all glad to give you that space and to let you share with us again (as you have) now that you're ready. what i get a sense that i'm missing out on during that time is the struggle. beforehand the struggle is expressed as a self-reflective journey, as a recognized and acknowledged transference, etc. there are layers to relationship and struggle and recognition, and all that jazz. so when it's the struggle-- the un-processed, the non-sensical, so to speak; when it's struggle without clear (perhaps reassuring) formulation -- then it's not here. i'm being unfair, of course, but cut me just a little bit of slack (please?) because i just want to ask you about it. but you don't have to tell me much; a "you don't get it" would be quite all right (if that's true); and if you prefer you can just find the right species of cat and tell us how you feel about trips to the dentist. that would be fine by me :)
I set my alarm for 7:30 this morning so that I could shake off my sleep before sitting. When I sat down at 8, I had all of you in my circle of love. It was a lovely feeling.
I sat for about ten minutes before I had to leave, but those ten minutes were wonderful and carried through (still do), helping the first part of my day to go a lot more smoothly than it would have. I gave a big mental hug to all of you guys. hope you felt it :)
I had a most powerful experience this morning sitting with all of you. I was in New Paltz, at my mother/sister's house. Nadine was with me. She had the brilliant idea of going to duck pond (hopefully she will post her gorgeous photographs) and she convinced me to wake up even earlier to hike to this special place that Om so cherishes, and which brought me to this blog pond. It was well worth the effort. The forest was brimming with Spring's awakening. We met some salamanders and other lovely creatures on the way. The streams were gushing and there were even some tiny yellow baby ducks on the pond. A shroud of mist hung on the ridge and trees above us. Nadine and I sat side by side on a little wooden bench and I went to such beautiful places.
I thought of all of you, both individually and as a whole, and all the other people I feel connected to because of Om. I feel so much gratitude and love.
I spent the rest of the weekend in this art workshop with my mother, called drawn home. I don't even know if I can write about this incredible experience yet. I need to sit with it some more to understand where it will take me. I have a lot of fear around art and creativity, yet I am very drawn to it. I get caught up in judgement and silly notions about innate talents and skills that I'm supposed to have, which prevents me from feeling free to express myself and enjoy my own creativity. I found myself in the perfect place to challenge that fear and judgement. This two day workshop was about connecting to yourself and to the mystery and beauty of life through drawing. There were live nude models and eveything, but the whole point was to let go of the prescriptions and literal interpretations and just connect to the atmosphere or feeling of the poses. The woman who was leading the workshop was most extraordinary. She is 73 years old, but she feels like a playful young child.
At the same time, you can tell that it has taken her a long time and plenty of struggle, as we seem to like to call it here, to arrive at that place of "quietness", as she calls it.
We did tons of exercises using different instruments, ranging from sponges, chalk, brushes, and feathers, as well as our hands and fingers, reeds, and even an egg. We "painted" with clay and ink. It was exhilerating and oh so difficult. How do you let go of what is known and connect to what is real?
Today, the second day, was very difficult, but I also felt like I was able to be present and feel during many of the exercises. After the morning session ended and we were breaking for lunch, my mom went through something, or I should say she was going through something all morning. She couldn't let go of the form or the literal. she started crying and was really struggling. She said she was feeling performance anxiety. The reason I am sharing this is that I felt a huge breakthrough myself in our relationship. I was able to feel total compassion for her! I didn't get annoyed or make it about me as I often do. I let her have her feelings and just listened and hugged her from time to time. Later, she was able to express more of what she was dealing with and how it connected to a major life change that she is going through right now. She was happy that she was there and that this was coming up, even though it was difficult. Good stuff! As the teacher had explained, the first day was all about plowing up the field and it is very unsettling. I definitely had some rough moments, but in the end, I did feel a deeper connection and appreciation for myself--for now at least. Now I must go to bed, all this plowing in the fields has made me very tired.
in gratitude to you all and especially to our sacred Om. happy anniversary.
Submitted by Nic O Lime (not verified) on Mon, 05/05/2008 - 1:03pm.
happy to hear you had such a breakthrough weekend that allowed you to feel complete compassion for your mom. i know this is a big deal for you. maybe we are all like baby ducklings in way, transitioning and growing in the spring, learning to nurture ourselves, our families and friends, and embracing the same nurturance when it comes from others.
I know that you have talked about the difficulties in your relationship with your mom. But I was struck by your post; struck by the fact that the two of you would do something so interesting and emotionall challenging together. My mother and I don't have very much in common. She loves to shop - that's her number one passion, and something that I deeply dislike.
My dad is 90 years old. He is not in great shape, in some pain, really slowing down. What is happening is the beginning/middle of his decline. He actually says, he is waiting to die. He is very hard to make contact with. So, I was thinking that I needed to say some things to him to make certain that I would not have any regrets later on. So, I wrote him an email. I told him how much I appreciated all that he gave to me and my children and that I knew he loved me unconditionally. His love was something that I was able to build upon and pass onto my own family. I thanked him for giving me my love of reading and through that love it was passed on to his grandchildren.
I received an email in return. He thanked me for my "kind words." Then he said,"My feelings for my daughters, their spouses, and children are too deep to express in words." Yes, I believe that. But through the years when I have tried to share myself and hoped that he would share himself, I usually get a response like this. Or else, he tells me that is bored with life, tired and waiting. It makes me so sad. Not so much for myself. But for the feelings and lonliness that he has never been able to express. He is such an intelligent man who gave up on life a very long time ago.
I picked up Strider's ashes today. It is an odd feeling. I don't think I will open the box for a long time. But when I do, I am going to take his ashes to all the places he loved. Some will go to our place in West Virginia, some in the garden here, and some in Rock Creek Park where he spent most of his life swimming, and losing kongs and tennis balls.
And, today the weather is glorious. The fish are swimming. I celebrate the beauty of what is right here. I am not depressed by all that is happening right now. I am sad. And I am thankful to understand the difference.
Submitted by Caterina on Wed, 05/07/2008 - 12:07am.
i am touched by your sharing of your email to your father and his to you.
That he is a man of few words, or that he cannot express his feelings to you. But that you feel them. And compassion holds the whole.
I used to cry and cry when I would get calls from my father in which I sought relationship and connection and he wasn't able to respond in kind. When his illness was at peak and he wasn't getting the care he now has from me and my sister, when he was alone and living in his (our) disease (Huntington's) and once he called 14 times and left 14 messages, all of them sort of crazy, repeating things, it just threw me through such intense feelings of loss. that was about 7 years ago.
I came around, through therapy, into accepting my feelings of loss and anger towards him and then more loss. I went through the gamut of feelings that i needed to feel and needed someone to witness and hold, and he wasn't the one capable of holding, and then finally I was able to turn to him with the appropriate understanding of his limitations to love him as he really needed to be loved and I wasn't looking anymore for recognition from him.
Now I feel his trust in me and my sister. Just this past weekend he said, "i am a very fortunate man... to have two daughters who take care of me as you both do." This was totally unsolicited. It felt amazing, not because i didn't already feel that he felt that but that he could share that feeling and knew that I knew.
I asked him this weekend, at a very choice moment, "Dad, do you feel that you can trust Anne and me to take care of you through the rest of what is going to come up?" (As I asked him this I envisioned the future as I've seen it on some videos provided through the Huntington's care-givers people... that is, that he will lose the ability to speak, as it will become too hard for him to aspirate the breath over the vocal chords, and he will need assistance in eating, and we'll be in a position to choose the right care for him and all that, and he'll probably be in a hospital, relying on special care, probably totally dependent upon others' hands to help him up and down and into whatever position his body needs, and I knew I'd be looking into those same eyes that one day will only have those windows to communicate by) and he said, looking me straight and long in the eyes, "Yes, I do."
It was a very important moment for us. Because even if we don't explore fully in language what that trust means, we both know that each other knows that the other knows that the trust is there.
So I am touched very deeply by your communication with your dad, Emily, because even if he cannot say what he feels, you are turned towards him and your openness to what he is able to give and really bringing that in and feeling it, not for what is lacking but for what is there he will feel that too and does and I know that means so much to him.
as i told emily earlier, i've been having a busy few days. i just handed in my final final paper a short while ago, and tonight i've got to study for tomorrow's exam. then i'm free! it helps when i like a class, but the exam tomorrow is for a big ol' disappointment. very frustrating. by the way, i once again want a typewriter, but this time i want one that works. all the typewriters i've used over the years have been totally out-of-order. jamming and smudging i expect, but come on, at least something with basic typing functionality.
but anyway, now that i've finally read these few posts (camila's, emily's, caterina's) i can toss out a quick: whoa! hey now! beautiful stuff, truly. i'm inspired by all of you and am looking forward to seeing my family soon and bringing all of your strength and wisdom within me.
I would like to think that what we are doing here is all those things you describe. I certainly feel nurtured and hope that others feel that from me. I have felt a shift in myself since I have started writing with you all. What about you? Also, thank you for recognizing the importance of what I shared about my mom.
I keep checking back to see if anyone is visiting, but alas, it's only me here and Mr. Plumbean, who took a bite out of my finger today when I tried to put him back in his cage. Such a bad bird.
hey emily! i'm looking forward to getting back here in a day or two. i've been having a busy week. take today for example -- its 12pm and i've got a paper due at 4pm that i'm still only about 5/8 done with! usually i'm a bit more on top of things come the end of the semester, but it's been a weird few months :P see ya soon.
Submitted by Nicoleto (not verified) on Thu, 05/08/2008 - 9:54am.
sorry it took so long to write, work has been crazy busy and some type of allergic reactions to pollen has me feeling congested and under slept. but those sound like excuses, don't they?
but the spring is well worth any allergy i might get. i had this plan of going out to a cafe this morning and doing some writing. this has been my plan all week. but there is just not enough time to get there, write, come back, go workout, and then rush to work. and i was not feeling the inspiration in my apartment. so this morning i made myself comfortable on the floor, leaning on the couch, and i openned the large window to the back alley in the back. the fresh rain breeze with the smell of wet earth moved in with the sounds of the new leaves from the rustling trees at the end. and i looked through the window at the lush green, the new green in between the cream colored alley walls and i was happy to be sitting on the floor writing.
it definitely feels like you have shifted some and i am glad that you have. and you ask if i have shifted and i don't know what to say? i feel some change has happened, and i feel in a better place, but peace of mind for me is much harder to achieve. but so far, i like the road i am travelling and that's all i can say for now. thanks for asking.
I love this post. I can imagine you sitting there on your living room floor and the feeling of peace and aliveness that seemed to envelope you. I love when that happens!
I think that when we start attuning to ourselves in the way so many of here seem to be doing, those moments become closer and closer to one another, until, perhaps, they are just one.
did you feel differently about what you were writing?
Submitted by Caterina on Wed, 05/07/2008 - 12:23am.
I like the image of the baby ducks.
What if we are both the soft baby yellow ducks floating innocent on this water and learning how to swim and dive and following each other like magnets through the tiny waves we create with our feet, and what if we are also, simultaneously, the parent ducks, noticing and caring for our creations, out of tenderness and desire to care for what is inherently of value to us?
what is inherently of value to you?
I have been thinking a lot of what is of value to me.
I have been for some time, for years, contemplating this and have been giving more time for those things that i want in my life, for the relationships that seem to give me the most support, and at the same time allow me to explore what is a new struggle for me and is always, in essence, a necessary struggle. i want to grow and challenge myself and feel that I am not hiding from my desire. I don't conform to expectations of me of any kind, though my friends may reflect back to me certain criterion based on what they value and feel in their honesty (which I depend on and cherish) and in that reflection I find my way, between the risk and the certain, between what the opening to grow and the the challenges that come up and the support of friendship that might challenge also how I am asking or not asking certain questions.
I love this support. Do you have friends that support you in this way?
I know that if and when i fall they'll be there, and if I triumph, they'll be there too. But it will always come back to this process, this dialogue, that allows us to integrate our new experiences with our wisdom.
And so I feel safe to experiment and have experiences that open me and challenge me.
Submitted by nicoleto (not verified) on Thu, 05/08/2008 - 10:26am.
hey, cat, i see you are back on the blog more often now. i have been lurking but not contributing much. funny thing, i totally missed om's call to party with him on his birthday. i read the post but the message didn't register. must have got my signals crossed - i'll blame it on my mild dyslexia.
above you asked "what is inherently of value to" me? good question, and i have to think about it. currently my independence is of value. so is my journey and the develpment of language and feeling that this blog is a part of. i look back on the choices i have made and i see that though i am not constantly aware of these values, i see the choices i make are driven by them in a subconscious way. which is not always a good thing, because i tend to lose myself trying to get there in a subconscious way. i don't know if it makes sense? but it is all tied up in this theme of expression and creation of an independent voice and self.
"do you have friends that support you in this way?" was your next question. i have to say i have some. but it is not something i do naturally. i have to force myself to process heavily. i have the friends in this blog. i have some friends outside the blog that i can do this with. but my biggest obstacle is letting go of the fear of being judged.
i hope this helps some. thanks for asking me such great questions that force me to process and think, stay aware. how about you, how's your process going?
Submitted by Caterina on Sat, 05/10/2008 - 1:09am.
Hey Nico!
Cool response! I am so psyched that my questions inspired you. I know you think a lot about things, are highly introspective, and so it is always such a treasure to peer into some of those reflections of yours as they have been elaborated through such a considerate mind.
Man, I know the fear of being judged. That is one of my main fears that keeps me from truly opening up. Under that, I feel, is the fear that I'll lose the relationship, that the person will reject me, because they don't understand me.
An example of this is the relationship I am currently working in/on. I have worked very hard to let this person feel me feeling them and not judging them. Since I tend not to "judge" per se but sometimes will have a strong response, I have had to shore that response so as not to have the person interpret it as "judging". It has worked pretty well. I've been focusing on listening to what the person is saying under the stuff that causes my reaction.
In the big scheme of this processing i've been doing (which largely revolves around this relationship right now, but also everything else in my life) I am feeling very positive, trusting in my energy, trusting in myself. I am learning how not to react out of fear or anxiety in the typical ways I have done before. Tony (UPS) and i have been spending more and more time together (during the work days, this means at his truck or in it as I got the privilege today). He is trusting me more. We are getting closer.
I don't know where this is going. I can see that the main ingredient is trust. I don't know how to be totally honest with him about my intention, nor do I know fully what my intention is. But I am learning how to gain his trust and get closer, that is important to me. If my intention is ultimately to cultivate intimacy with this person, I do know that we have a LOT of work to do and sooner or later, if it really gets real, he'll have to face his trauma as trauma. I know what it is, at least the main component. He doesn't yet think of it as trauma. That already is going to be a hard passage.
I know that I am willing to parent for a while but that i don't want to ultimately be the parent in this relationship. I have to be able to let go sometimes too and know that he'll be able to catch me when I fall.
I think about who I'll need close when my father is dying. That's the person I want to be and the people I want near.
But we're at the very beginning. Already this guy has inspired in me a powerful desire to be healthy and whole. I know I may be using him to inspire me in this way. It's like Emily noticed, I use relationships to heal a part of me, to make me whole. Yeah, it's like that.
I was thinking today that I don't know how else to imagine relationship with a man except that we come together to heal each other.
And in finding the language and using it perhaps we create a vehicle that can sustain our continual growth.
I'm not saying this will happen with Tony. There's so much material there that I cannot deal with alone. He'll need therapy. He needs it. But maybe he wont go for it in this lifetime. But I would do everything in my power to get him and me continually as close to health as possible from where we are in each moment as we are.
I think i've wanted something and someone to feel passionately about helping, who stirs in me that healing attention, which he does and which I feel with him.
In other aspects of my life, I feel totally in love. I am in love with my friends and my work, with yoga and the blog, and my cat, my dad my family, my mom, my sis, our lives. I am in love! With the people on the train. With the spring. With rain. I feel very alive but also like I'm moving through something big, a big fat juicy illusion that I'll get through and learn even more.
Feels like there's no where to go but to the ground, to letting go.
We return always to embrace that which we run from.
How about you? What are you running from and what are you running towards right now?
Submitted by Nico lime (not verified) on Mon, 05/12/2008 - 4:01pm.
Cat, it’s great that you are working on all these things with, Toni. Whatever you do, you are pushing up against the resistance that is hindering you. Have you thought of sharing the blog with him?
You ask me what I am running from and to, and the answer right now is anger and sadness. I find myself wanting to dissociate from it and at different moments I find my awareness will not let me dissociate from it either! This past weekend, mother’s day, was all about anger towards my mom! I know this sounds like mama bashing to some, especially when my friends hear me rail against her, but at the same time they didn’t have to grow up with her and they don’t have to deal with her now.
So yesterday, I spent it at my parents. I got my mom a card, some cash and flowers, and lately I have found her more pleasant and loving. But yesterday she was not any of those things. As we sat down to eat, my father, sister and me, my mom went to check on my bed-ridden grandmother in her room (let me say, that my parents take care of my father’s mother, who is half-deaf, half-blind, losing her memory, and very weak so she can’t move much, so she stays in bed most of the time). As we all wait for my mom to come back to the table so we can begin to eat, we hear her talking loudly to my grandmother. It borders on screaming, but hey, my grandmother is half-deaf, so you have to get loud to communicate with her. But there is an edge to my mom’s loud talk. But my mom was annoyed that my grandmother had spilled some food, which happens all the time and is not unusual for a 90 year old woman that has motor-skill problems. But my mom decides to make a big issue of this. She is screaming, talking down to her, telling her how to use her hands better, how to sit up better and on and on. Now we are all just sitting at the table listening to this and we know there is nothing to do unless we really want to get into a fight with my mom. So since this is her mother’s day (and we also celebrating her birthday because it is on May 15) we choose not to confront her. But I really wanted her to stop screaming, I really wanted her to realize the moment she was ruining because of her outburst. And the fact that she couldn’t, really made me mad.
It made me mad because it reminded me of all the times she would do the same to me and my sister when we were young. It reminded me of all the occasions she ruined because of her selfish outbursts. I also realized that she is a very fragile bully, who only picks on people who can’t defend themselves, like my grandmother and like me when I was a kid. Now, if I say two words to her, she will break down and start to cry (which would cause all types of guilt in me).
When she finally came back to the dinner table, I felt nothing but contempt and disgust towards her. I felt no compassion whatsoever. I wanted to get away from because part of me wanted to punch her in the head for being such a bully, for being so selfish and self-absorbed that she couldn’t see the damage she was doing. At the same time, I felt angry at my father for not confronting her, for not protecting us, all those years ago, from her tantrums. And I lost all respect for him at that moment. I wanted to be anywhere but there. All the love and care my parents tried to give me yesterday, I wanted nothing of it.
I will soften some later on, but for now I just want to sit with my anger. Also, I am pondering if I should confront my mother more directly? If I should challenge her even if she breaks down and starts crying? I have to be fair, she is taking care of her invalid mother in law. But the bullying pattern that I see, I have seen before with me.
Anyway, that was my mother's day. Hope your's was better.
Submitted by Caterina on Tue, 05/13/2008 - 1:26am.
Wow, Nico, I can totally feel and relate to your anger at your mother's behavior yesterday. At least I can relate in terms of how that situation would have brought up annoyance for me too, but that it brought up all the memories of how she used to bully you as a kid akes sense that it would strike a chord that carries with it exactly what you are feeling. What is so beautiful is that you are aware of your feelings and want to sit with them.
My sense about confronting someone is usually (but this is just me) to wait until I know I can come from a place of compassion, perhaps ease, or at least that I feel I can do so without too much fear (under the anger is fear, right?) You're doing the work just by being aware and sitting and these will move you more and more in the direction of freedom ultimately.
Maybe you don't need to confront her right now. Just notice the feelings. Doesn't sounds like she can handle confrontation anyway, but maybe someday there will be an opportunity that you'll recognize is the right one. Or maybe it will come through a different channel, not through direct confrontation but through recognition. When you get under the anger and the fear recognition will come naturally. Your softening will open doors.
Tony doesn't do email as far as i know so no blog has been mentioned. :)
I had a really intense discovery tonight (which hasn't been far from my consciousness this whole time but is becoming more felt and recognizable) and tonight it was through the help of my friend Camila's questions, that this relationship with T is bringing up my experience of early childhood sexual abuse. I think it's because I sense his trauma (I know he's been abused, though he doesn't know that consciously yet) and while my attention has been focused on his trauma it's actually been bringing up my own. This is obviously an intense subject and I don't know how to go much further with it on the blog but I'll just share it because why the hell not?
it's not new for me that I know there was abuse, though it's circumstances are deeply obscure to me. But it feels like this: I love this man so much, so much and then there is an element of sadistic meanness and dissociation.
That's as far as I can go into it tonight.
I am grateful for this opportunity to feel the feelings and bring up the feelings and observe them and my behavior (including fantasies and whatnot) around this current relationship.
I am so grateful that I am in a place now to be able to handle them with total love and compassion.
I feel so loved too by my friends, myself and all of you.
Submitted by Nico Lime (not verified) on Tue, 05/13/2008 - 7:51pm.
Like my situation with my mom, your relationship with Toni is allowing you to address some tough things in your life. And I think the greatest part of your experience is your ability to feel safe and feel loved. And I think your awareness of it can only free you from the suffering it causes.
It is a cool idea to think that Toni is giving you this wonderful opportunity to explore your sexual abuse, and, that at the same time, you are giving him the opportunity to address his trauma, eventhough he doesn't seem to be consciously aware of it. Though subconsciously you are probably shaking his foundations.
If you feel like going deeper into this, I am vexed when you write: "I love this man so much, so much and then there is an element of sadistic meanness and dissociation."
how to show up and change that male pattern of withdrawal. The girls are going to eat you up, but this time you're going to love it, you're going to open wide those burly biker arms of yours and let those girls eat your heart out. Yeah, that's it. They're hungry for guys showing up. Right Caterina and Camila? You will receive for your courage the love and nourishment you deserve, my friend. Open wide Chico Nico, I'm coming in too and will tickle that rage right out of your heart. Hey Nico, look, there's Emily flying, hop on her wing; don't worry, it's only flight.
I hate it when Nico is so open, insightful and in touch with himself and others. It pisses me off really. It makes me so furious I want to squeeze him to death!
Submitted by Nico Lime (not verified) on Wed, 05/14/2008 - 8:59pm.
Om, your description of nourishment sounds disgusting and smothering (yes, there's that word again, Camila!). Keep it away from me, especially of you are going to tickle.
Submitted by Caterina on Tue, 05/13/2008 - 10:58pm.
Geez, when I tap into this one it brings up so much pain for me for the loss of this relationship, and or the multiple losses I felt within it.
When my parents separated, my mom and I moved to a townhouse apartment in a neighboring town. My mom's brother Jack came to live with us and he, with his natural interests in children, and gregarious nature, filled our new little life with a lot of fun energy. But he was unpredictable. He was there, wasn't there, had numerous girlfriends that meant he wasn't there when he was. Attachment to him didn't grow so strong until we (all three) moved to Maine and he become like the fathering figure in our new household.
He had the downstairs room that led to the front door as his bedroom. A huge waterbed I used to jump on. he worked marketry as a hobby, made these beautiful delicate masterpieces of ships out of tiny strands of wood. I think he found a job as a carpenter. He drank a lot, was certainly an alcoholic. Made my mom laugh. Would be there when I came home from school and would make me brush my hair before any snack or tv. He was big into discipline.
He's the one I feel I loved so much, so much. I don't know where the sadistic feel comes in, but I've seen it later, as an adult and vaguely recognized it as familiar to a kind of behavior I was accustomed to with him around as a kid. he'd tease me even after I told him to stop. he was simply unpredictable. i think I was looking for warmth, would get it and then it would be unavailable. I don't know how to equate this with abuse. I don't know what if anything happened that made me feel unsafe.
thank you so much for sharing the story about your dad and his disease. I had to literally stop for a moment and catch my breath. I had no idea what you were faced with. I am so amazed by how you, and others here, slowly peel back the layers, share more and more, and as a result, I continue to grow and evaluate my own perceptions and assumptions I make about the "lives of others." And, I am glad in some ways that we have talked here for so long before you described the situation ( this is really me talking about myself, I think) because it is so easy for me to focus on the most obvious challenge that people face in their lives without seeing that it is just a part of a larger, more complete and complex context. Yet, the sharing you did, allows me to reflect on everything that I know about you so far. The picture continutes to deepen.
Very few of the people in my life, except the few I hold dearest, know in any detail what I go through when Arnold has a low. Between the time I discover him and the time he returns to himself, there is often violence - him towards everything around him, a need for me to protect him physically from moving around and falling down stairs, protecting myself from his violence, trying to inject him, get juice in him; once he begins to come to he has no memory of anything that has occured, so he is angry with me because he doesn't believe he needs help, or he laughs at me for being crazy. It takes a while for us to be standing in the same world again. I know that this is not him, it is the brain empty of food, but afterwards when it is over, he has no clue as to what happened to me. I feel very stressed and alone. He feels terrible. It is so much a part of life - it is what it is - and even when I have had a particularly traumatizing experience I don't share it casually. Perhaps I am afraid that others will dwell on it and I will get swept up in looking at it under a microscrope and begin to feel that it dominates my life. It is a part of my life. It is huge when it happens but once it is over, it is gone.
The few posts that I sent when I felt that I hated myself and lost my humanity had to do with those experiences. Arnold had several lows in one week - and I literally lost myself, was full of rage, full of hated, and I could see how caregivers lose it - I saw, what could happen, in a moment of letting all those feeling dominate. I could see myself toppling over the edge, lifting a knife and in a fit of maddness hurting or killing him. I know that I would never go that far, but I saw myself going that far. The last time is happened, it was in the middle of the night ( the third time in a week) I had hit him. He doesn't remember, but the feeling of that smack on my hand, still hasn't quite left me. That is abuse. There is no other name for it. Because of this, I have been very very inward, sitting, and finding my balance again. I haven't shared it, although I have talked to Arn about it. I didn't want to hear the stock reply that it is understandable, given that I was exhausted from all that happened. It's not what I need to hear. The fact that I saw myself stripped of all compassion left a wound It feels very deep and raw. It challenges my sense of self. I am sure that as I continue to sit with this the lesson that I need to learn will be there waiting for me. I
I know that I veered off from your post. But your sharing seemed to open a door that I felt I could go through. I have been suffering a great deal with this. Intellectualizing it does not make it go away. It has to do with finding compassion towards myself. But I will say that experience spurred me to increase my sitting practice. It is the one thing that brings me home.
wow. I just read your post and am filled with compassion for you! I won't give you any stock responses, but I just wanted to say that the fact that you are now able to share what has been happening and what you have been feeling tells me that you are moving through it or that something has shifted for you. I am happy that you are able to write about it and that Caterina's sharing has helped that along in some way. Also, you seem to be doing what you need to do for yourself by sitting, going inside, and allowing things to come up instead of getting stuck in the shame and self hatred you described, which has in turn enabled you to invite the compassion back in.
Since Om isn't around to say it, I'll say it: sit, write and love! Om mani padme hum.
I sure do appreciate your response. It sure does help to peek outside, share, and then travel back in. I am not sure what else I need to be doing, if anything, and so I sit, write and love. I think that losing Strider just added to the emotional twirling, although I must admit there are things I am enjoying about being dogless. No poop. No tripping me on the stairs. No nose in the grocery back as I am trying to unload it. And no middle of the night scratching at the door to go out. I have his ashes - haven't opened the box. But when I am ready there are places to scatter them - but I want to do it when I feel the joy pass through.
My illness, diabetes, is all about self management. When I screw up and have a low blood sugar experience, I feel bad, when it is over, mainly for failing. I am absent while it is happening and only have memory of the last minutes of coming to consciousness. But I can see the price that Emily pays, and she has finite resources... and this will continue. At what cost?
My mother had Multiple Sclerosis, so I have had some experience with caregiver fatigue. But it does not help me, except that I am so angry with myself for messing up and losing control. These experiences happen mostly at night during sleep. So I view bedtime with trepidation. On the up side, I am working with my doctor and making some progress with better night-time management. I am optimistic, but the truth really is that this self management is an inexact science. Now matter what I do, there will be failures.
I am always having to face those failures and their cost to my relationship with Emily. Noah and Anya, who have mainly been witnesses, have their own scars. They have not spoken much about them with me, so I can only speculate about that pain.
Submitted by Caterina on Thu, 05/08/2008 - 1:06am.
Arnold, I can only imagine how vulnerable it must make you feel to go through the loss of consciousness like that and to depend so thoroughly on someone to take care of you. I can understand the feeling of failure in those moments too, the feeling that you lose control. it is not your fault of course and so it cannot be your failure either, since there is nothing that you can do but try to find better management as you are doing, and talking and being there to process it with Emily. I am so grateful that you have such great care and even if she hits her limits she will learn from them, absorb what she needs to to become more vigilant of what is asked of her in those times.
There have been times in the past months that I have gotten angry at my father for being irrational or unreasonable, even allowing hurt to flourish between us, storming out once from his house to go back to NYC for another month, leaving him in a feeling of great sadness and helplessness and regret. I know I hit my own limits in those times, but I always came back and always come back and find new ways to soften here and create a better boundary there, to not take his moments of mental warp personally. I have also found new ways to make our relationship less susceptible to stress (removing, for instance, the question of money from our relationship which has always been a major stress for us both; removing, for instance, the expectations that I might be able to take him out of the house). Realizing that he cannot handle certain types of thinking anymore, and cannot be there for me anymore, allowed me to forgive those moments when he pissed me off but also with that realization came an awareness that i had to let go even more.
It kind of reminds me of what it must feel like for someone who is losing their parent to Alzhiemers. We lose together with our loved one. This is why I call it "our disease" and always tell dad that too, it is ours, we're in this together.
Em, I am so touched by what you have shared about reaching your limits with Arnold. I am so touched that you shared it as well as your reasons for not wanting to share it. I know that Arnold is resilient and so are you and the wound that you felt will heal as you continue to give it and yourself and position more compassion.
Submitted by Caterina on Thu, 05/08/2008 - 1:16am.
While I responded to this post in the post Arnold, Emily, I wanted to say again that I appreciate so much what you've shared here. I have another question though. Sometimes you've referred to having created certain assumptions or a sense of who a person is or what they're like through their posts (as we all do I'm sure!). I wanted to know, if you feel like it, could you tell me what yours are of me?
I ask in all openness to you and hope you know that I know that you know that you are safe here and I wont take anything personally!
In answer to your quesiton about how my assumptions/perceptions about you have changed over time ( and still are evolving as our relationship to each other and to ourselves continue to be shared) has to do with a a split within you that I imagined. I have always felt that your perceptions about others are very astute as well as compassionate but wasn't certain if you were bringing the same kind of clarity when it came to your own relationships, especially with men. ( I have no doubts that you are able, but wondered whether you were). It seemed to me that you always wanted to "give something," perhaps something that the other was not in a position to receive and that you pushed the boundaries, even if you going to be hurt in the long run. I had the sense that you wanted to make others whole as a way to making yourself whole. We want to save in order to be saved as well. ( Now this could just be my autobiography) Am I seeing you or projecting onto you? Even with your newest friend, I have the sense that you are drawn to his pain and remain committed even when the signs might be there that this is a relationship that can only go so far. You want to make a difference. Does that desire become the basis of the relationship? And what do you want to discover about yourself through this relationship.
Your post about your dad and his illness filled in a huge part of the picture. I saw the rock bottom depth from where your approach to relationships might spring from. It opened up more understanding for me, more awareness of you in a larger context. Understanding motivations, not only in you, but in myself, opens doors - gives me a larger view.
Dont' know if that answers your question, but I will continue to think about it.
Submitted by Caterina on Fri, 05/09/2008 - 1:15am.
I always felt that my experience in Rome in January had caused an interesting shift in perception ("human visitor"), like I had begun to seem something to you that was sort of like a fantasy character (and not necessarily a positive one, nor a negative one). That was my projection! I was sort of dying to understand what you thought of me, not that it would change how I relate or understand my own experience necessarily but that it might give me more insight into such unconventional behavior (as perhaps seen from "outside") can be seen by someone as sensitive and emotionally attuned as you. And as a mother. And as a mother of a 20 year old son.
Recalling the adventures with whatsisname and whasisname. Just kidding. Karel and Matt. Anyway, ...
Yes, you are projecting as that's only natural (the mind projects, necessarily, in order to make sense of what it perceives), but you are tuned into something that is truly part of my struggle (hi james) and spiritual/psychological evolutionary seeking. That is, there is a let's call it "split" and a desire for reparation. I do not inherently understand how to ask for a relationship that would be obviously good for me in any sense of the terms "good" or "obvious" except what I sense intuitively is the space in which i need to grow. In this way, sometimes men are like "objects" for me through which I hope to break through the objectification to feeling the person and feeling the relationship (which is happening now in this current one). The question always brings me back to feeling myself and seeing if I can speak my heart and needs.
I wouldn't know how to have a relationship if it were not from the desire to make whole. Somehow that desire feels like it will always be part of me, as I see in the other person so much including their desire and somewhere in the relationship the inherent desire to be whole. Always I see this. But it is not that I start from a position that the person is necessarily lacking me or needs me, though I wonder often at why we are here now together if not to discover what we can learn from each other, but it's not that cerebral for me, really. It's more like a feeling, a feeling out the unique connection.
Is there a person in the idea of me that you recognize in you?
In you I fantasize a caring and passionate woman, facing with courage many challenges that are at the heart of what most people run from or avoid (dealing with illness and death, in particular come to mind). I sometimes wonder if you judge me. I would love to explore this more with you, my own projections and yours. What fun!
No, I don't think so. At first, before I had a chance to "see you more," I really got caught up in your relationships in Italy. I hadn't even realized that I was," as you remind me," a mother of 20 year old son, soon to be 21 and probably one some level I was thinking about that. But as soon as I realized it, it changed my perspective entirely. It had more,to do if I am honest, with seduction and sexuality, recalling myself at a younger age. While I did marry young, in the years proceeding, I was seducing men ( and young men) and being seduced for all kinds of reasons that I rationalized in my head and ended up getting hurt and doing a lot of hurting. But I was twenty then and did not have the insight or wisdom that you have already accumulated. Mostly, as I said previously I see a split within you to make other whole even it means that you are not in a relationship where you will get more of what you need to be nourished beyond that, I see your struggle to make sense of the relationships you have and the struggle to decide whether to have them and what it really means, especially in a situation where you see - or think you see the limits of possibility. Does that make sense?
But there is no judgement here. If I catch myself swimming in that place of judgement, I understand completely that it has nothing to do with you or your actions and only has to do with my judgements of myself or my fears that may arise. I see you as a beautiful woman who digs deep, who needs a partner who will challenge you and challenge you to both look deeper and to stop digging when it's time to just be. I see you as someone who could exhaust someone else in your demand for clairty as well as exhaust yourself. I see you as someone who must find a way to relax into a relationship.
Am I way off? Am I creating another character for my notebook of fiction?
I'll keep thinking about it. I'm sniffing the air.
Submitted by Caterina on Sat, 05/10/2008 - 1:16am.
I am a woman... "who digs deep, who needs a partner who will challenge you and challenge you to both look deeper and to stop digging when it's time to just be. I see you as someone who could exhaust someone else in your demand for clairty as well as exhaust yourself. I see you as someone who must find a way to relax into a relationship."
You got me. And I do love to relax into relationship. I love it. Don't know it that well but when I feel it, and it's always so close, I love it.
I so recognize you. I think if we got together we would be so right brain heavy (although I think you've got a lot more left brain activity than I sometimes feel I have) that we might just get lost in our image making and loving that the nuts and bolts of life would just crumble.
Submitted by Caterina on Sat, 05/10/2008 - 10:23am.
I keep going back to something you said about seeing me as someone who "must find a way to relax into relationship."
I keep circling with this because i can't tell if you are saying, "Hey, listen, you need to learn to relax into relationship," or if you are saying, "You seem like someone who needs to be in a relationship she can relax into," (who doesn't?).
So my guess is that it's the first 'cause the second would be tautological.
Which makes me want to say Well, I do relax in my relationships, I love my relationships and can actually hit some pretty deep relaxation spaces with them. I am constantly with the breath...
Yum. I actually CRAVE relationships that I can relax into, and feel with most of them I can get pretty near. Though real deep intimacy is that, real deep relaaaxx, real deep, and yes, here is where your statement hits a level of truth for me that is fundamental.
Because there is a level of self-containment and consciousness that doesn't just relax. it's as though I must stay vigilant.
I do this because of the boundaries. I am afraid if I relax too much I'll lose the boundary, lose myself, and the other person will freak out and run for the hills screaming, "TURN IT OFF!!"
Or else, maybe that's just my grandiosity. :)
(Peppered with experience).
Anyway, I am so fascinated by this query into relaxing into relationship.
I want to open this question to everyone, maybe I'll do it in a different post!
Love you!
Cat
(I am both very left and right brain... can switch between... we can go wherever you want... I will go with you. :)
I didn’t have to use much of my charms and spells to convince Camila to hike up to Duck pond with me at 7.30 in the morning, a cup of coffee and her care and love for Om were enough to get her to hike up the mountain through the most beautiful spring forest. The leaves had just all emerged and were so soft and smooth and bright green.
I was so happy and grateful to be sitting next to Camila to celebrate Om’s anniversary. I felt this great joy during our sitting, there was a lot of light - I was wondering if the sun had come out ;) At one point, I saw Om and a few of this blog community as well as Camila’s sister and her mother all sitting in individual water lily flowers swirling around each other on the pond.
Thanks Om for inviting us to your birthday party!
(you can click on my profile if you want to see what duck pond was like on Sunday)
you didn't tell them about the bucket of ice water you threw on me as well...
It's ok. I enjoy being provoked, like Om, but only when I feel safe, as I do with you.
Sometimes I feel like, if left to my own devices, I'd live a very mundane, unchallenged life. I wouldn't have thought of going to duck pond for instance, and probably would have been sitting groggily on the floor next to my bed, if it weren't for you, which is also fine, but not quite as invigorating or heart-touching as what we did. But, as you reminded me this weekend, it's ok to need other people in my life to push up against me or nudge me along, as the case might be. I would never had had this art workshop experience if it weren't for my mother, who is always looking for more experiences. Sometimes I get frustrated with her for that because it feels sort of hectic and overwhelming to me, but I am also grateful that she pushes me. and Em, I do appreciate her specialness and acknowledge how lucky I am to have a mother willing to challenge herself emotionally and share those feelings with me. Indeed, we both have evolved substantially over the years because of our willingness to look at ourselves deeply, which is reflected in the quality of our relationship. And in fact, despite the fact that I am more similar to my father in many ways, he has not been able to "go there" wtih me. He is emotionally absent. Even though he can cry and write beautiful poetry, he can not do the day to day or even monthly maintenance needed to keep a relationship alive. My mother might be a little too enmeshed at times, but she at least is not going anywhere and she will fight her way into my life no matter what I do or how much I may push her away at times, which is what I love her for.
beautiful photo, Nadine. If you do a search for duck pond, you can see the photo I took when I was there with you in January. what a transformation in only 4 short months!
Submitted by Caterina on Tue, 05/06/2008 - 11:50pm.
I love what you describe about being able to accept your mother's experience as it was happening for her without judgment or attachment. It can't be underlined enough how important that experience is for you (I imagine, empathically) to see her as separate and to be able to identify with her struggle. I am sure that her ability to move through it in the safety and warmth that you gave her was made more easeful and swift by your presence.
But more importantly, by giving her compassion you gave yourself compassion. You could see how she was breaking through something important. And you recognized it and felt compassion! I love this!:
"The reason I am sharing this is that I felt a huge breakthrough myself in our relationship. I was able to feel total compassion for her! I didn't get annoyed or make it about me as I often do. I let her have her feelings and just listened and hugged her from time to time."
I am also so inspired by your and Nadine's meditations at the pond. And Ceili's! I felt that warm hug as I sat (later on in the day, wasn't able to make it at 8am but at 10...)
Submitted by Caterina on Tue, 05/06/2008 - 1:08am.
Hey James Darlin'!
I am the cat in here, cat. That's an anagram of Catherine.
Duh!
But I'd like to be a sphynx or a lynx or a shynxterlinkinnese!
I don't know what kind of cat I am, but I promise you I'd nevah cheetah on you!
LOL!!
The struggle. Great question!! Dammit.
The struggle for me is so great and varied, it depends on where I begin.
One aspect is the obvious: pursuing a relationship with a person who probably will not ever be able to see me for who I am, and not seeing me, not recognize my goodness, and so not feel safe with me (continue to project only what he has known, what has failed him). As though we were from different planets, it feels, at times. So the struggle here is the question "Why am I choosing to pursue this?" or as a friend asked me '"Why do you want to be disappointed?"
Another aspect of this struggle is that I am strongly attracted to this person nonetheless and so there is a simple and sort of fun struggle to find ways for us to get to know each other, to cultivate more trust, which seems to be happening, though I am still not certain it will gel, like we may not ever be "gellin' it" you know? Reason for this would be based upon insight or assumption in first struggle. But this second one is basically about not taking things personally, about maintaining perspective, which is like the first but more engaged directly in the relating itself.
A third aspect is that we seem to be dancing around one area of intimacy that we both sense could be fun and easier for us (though it's more complex and interesting than I've ever experienced yet with a man), which is the sexual intimacy and I cannot tell you how strong this aspect is for me. So this is a fun struggle which is about maintaining perspective and consciousness in the face of a profound pull (of kundalini type proportions) to play in that way.
This third aspect holds struggles of course within the first and second aspects and seems also to hold the most present karmic knot.
There is more that I find very compelling about this person that is hard to put into words.
He seems to be saying to me that he wants us to get to know each other, to give us time, to not rush into expectations. He values his freedom above everything else (and his mom). He is not having sex with other women and wants me to be "only with him" if we do start "having sex". I am not to take sex with him as a sign of more evolved feelings. That if we do start engaging in that play then it should be seen as just that and not significant of deeper feelings. If those come, they come on their own, through our getting to know one another.
So yeah, I actually like this and can go for this but I don't know that even if we give ourselves more time to get to know one another if he will open to my difference from him. He has, at times, intimated his desire for some of what I have to offer. When I am sensitive and reflect that I've "gotten" him, I feel him soften (as I've mentioned elsewhere).
There is another aspect of my struggle which is to accept him as he is, including the baggage that at times, I admit, is nearly overwhelming.
I also felt, the day after our last date, I had a taste left in my mouth from some of the things he had said to me and ways he had spoken to me, that he may fundamentally not like me (right now) based upon his frustration with my "depth".
I felt pretty crumby about this thought on Saturday, sat with you all on Sunday (which was marvelous) and spent the weekend with my beloved pops, giving him a mani-pedi, and talking a little about what lies ahead for us. It was a beautiful weekend, and I'm back to a place I have been back to with this guy which is about acceptance.
I was lying in supta badakonasana tonight (bound) [heels together, knees splayed out, lying on back, a strap loops around sacrum and holds heels in close to groin]. I imagined in this deeply relaxed state that he didn't like me and I thought [fucking brilliant!!] "So What? I accept that." And it was like a huge little burden lifted. It was old, like childhood old, but has run through me all my life: I want to be liked. All of the sudden I realized that he didn't have to like me. It made me feel more free and also accept whatever reaction he's having to me, that it's not about me!
I know he likes to look into the mirror of me and see that man that can make a woman feel good, makes her feel sexy, and make her laugh (he is very funny). He also has a natural propensity for discussing relationship, boundaries, desires, and all things which seem present to the evolving interaction. He wants to be appreciated in certain ways, he also throws stuff out there that would be hard for any one, man or woman, to just let slide, and yet, he wants whomever is going to get close to him to see this too. He also wants to be recognized! Yes. I know this.
He asks me questions about me, about my life, by parents, past relationships. He listens for about half a minute then finds something he likes and he's off talking about himself again. Sometimes he asks more questions. But he's not a great listener, sometimes... when it's about him... or when he's really in the mood and he's really listening and then he does listen and he's repeated things I've said to him with startling accuracy.
The "dig" the other night about being too deep, or being "nuts" I think was coming from a place of frustration, so I'm not sure what his perception of me is today. We got closer after those comments, but such things do stick in my mind. Not that I'm taking them personally, but they may be indicators of how he's experiencing me, judging me, etc.
He walks blind people across the street, carries handicapped people up and down stairs when their chairs break. He's got that presence of mind to look out for people in need. He's a pretty good judge of character. He thinks he knows everything there is to know about women. His relationships with women are highly contaminated by what sounds like them objectifying him. I think he doesn't know what it feels like to be totally accepted and yet also challenged by the other.
I don't know if he sees the other. I think at times he does try.
His ego is as thick as the globe, and he suffers from some low self-esteem. I told him the other day that through yoga he would just become more himself. He said, "if I become any more me, I wont fit through any doors."
I am learning how to listen to him, respect him, respect his limitations, and respect the ego-constructs he's managed to come up with to raise himself.
I will not stop challenging him, but there is also a light struggle in me to learn how to apply a little challenge with a lot of empathy.
"But why am I doing this?" I asked my friends tonight. They said, "you're doing this for you."
Thanks for letting me (inviting me to) share. Thank you to all of you!
It's nice to listen to the younger version from 1970 and the later version she did in 2000.
Both Sides Now
Rows and floes of angel hair And ice cream castles in the air And feather canyons everywhere I've looked at clouds that way
But now they only block the sun They rain and they snow on everyone So many things I would have done But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now From up and down, and still somehow It's cloud illusions I recall I really don't know clouds at all
Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels The dizzy dancing way that you feel As every fairy tale comes real I've looked at love that way
But now it's just another show And you leave 'em laughing when you go And if you care, don't let them know Don't give yourself away
I've looked at love from both sides now From give and take, and still somehow It's love's illusions that I recall I really don't know love I really don't know love at all
Tears and fears and feeling proud To say I love you right out loud Dreams and schemes and circus crowds I've looked at life that way
Oh but now old friends they are acting strange And they shake their heads and they tell me that I've changed Well something's lost, but something's gained In living every day
I've looked at life from both sides now From win and lose and still somehow It's life's illusions I recall I really don't know life at all
It's life's illusions that I recall I really don't know life I really don't know life at all
I am inviting you to join me this Sunday at 8AM sharp, EST, wherever you will be, to celebrate and meditate with me for 15 minutes (at least :). In the meditation, I will be focusing on gratitude, love and healing for all. It would mean a great deal for you to join me, if you can. Peace, Blessings and Love to you All. Have a great week! And don't forget the blog party on Saturday, May 24! Om Mani Padme Hum
Riddle. What do you call ten thousand Om Mani Padme Hums on a bed of Caribbean sand?
When the veil of fear is lifted, all is revealed.
Just a quick hello. See you all soon. Thank you deeply for sitting with me last Sunday. A beautiful beginning to an extraordinary week of practice. See you soon.
She is as in a field a silken tent At midday when the sunny summer breeze Has dried the dew and all its ropes relent, So that in guys it gently sways at ease, And its supporting central cedar pole, That is its pinnacle to heavenward And signifies the sureness of the soul, Seems to owe naught to any single cord, But strictly held by none, is loosely bound By countless silken ties of love and thought To every thing on earth the compass round, And only by one's going slightly taut In the capriciousness of summer air Is of the slightlest bondage made aware.
Submitted by Caterina on Sat, 05/10/2008 - 10:29am.
When and how do you relax in your relationships?
Why and in what circumstances do you feel you want to relax but cannot?
Have you ever felt "totally relaxed" in a relationship or with a group of people and can you describe this feeling and why you think you were able to feel this way?
i like the phrase "relax into relationship." i find that very very beautiful. especially because of my perhaps crude etymological understanding of 'relax', to return to looseness, ease. the 're' is lots of fun in this phrase, because i already think of relationship as a turning and returning (and re-turning). there's something about this phrase, relax into relationship -- i think it's the 'into' perhaps -- that seems to me to carry with it authenticity. to relax into relationship is to be at ease, but it is to be at ease within relationship. this is gorgeous because... relationship is hard. i think that sometimes people relax relationship... they let loose their connection and they merely turn away. relaxation as deflection, perhaps. but not here, not with this phrase -- to relax into relationship. yes, that seems to me a great gift. that is when we are looking inside each other's looking. you know, Cat and Em, i bring up that moment a lot, and the phrase has become a bit of a refrain, but i never bring it up (and especially not now) lazily or carelessly. i learned a new way of loving today, looking at you. at first it was longing, and then you turned to me, and we were looking inside each other's looking. this is to relax into relationship. we are rigorously with each other, and we are at ease. we are silent and still, and we are in vibrating commun-ication. this is what i love so much about the phrase... to relax into relationship... yes, the paradox. do you see it? yes, this is relationship. to relax into relationship. gorgeous.
i am sorry i've been a bit distant for a few days -- i've missed out on being a part of some wonderful strands of conversation, but now i can join back in :) aside from the work i've had (finally done!) i've also been feeling a bit distant from all you folks. i've felt unable to connect -- i've read and even felt inspired by quite a lot of what's been written, yet you've felt distant from me... or i from you... i look forward to exploring that more.
the other day i was speaking with an old friend. his favorite song of mine years ago was a tune called "Or Any Day." whenever we chat he brings up that song, and the other day i asked him to send it to me -- he has a recording i made years ago that i have lost or misplaced, or something. he dug up the CD and sent me the file. i was very excited. i hadn't heard this song in years and had forgotten the lyrics, the melody, the music... but all i needed was the first chord and it all came streaming back. what was odd was my experience of the person making the recording. before and after the song i spoke to my audience -- those who had asked for some tunes -- and i spoke about the song, my thoughts about it, and whatever else was on my mind. so here's the point: i didn't recognize the boy making the recording. he was a very angry, mean-spirited 15 or 16 year old kid who didn't like his voice (or his voice) yet who very much wished to connect. he was struggling, and deeply resistant and defensive; he felt very isolated and deserted. he was very angry. if i think about it i can recall that person existing, walking around, pining after his first crush, and so on. but i can't connect with him at all.
i speak about my many deaths and rebirths, i speak about being a different person and meaning it quite literally -- yet i also feel this continuity. i believe quite seriously that i am the same person and have been for the last 20.5 years. i had no idea how attached i am to this sense of continuity until i listened to this recording and suddenly -- for the very first time -- i was face-to-face with the younger James. up until this moment i had only known this person as the memory of an earlier me. suddenly i could hear the distance between us, and i felt very unsettled. though this was two nights ago, i am still celebrating.
Here’s an excerpt from my journal I started after coming back yesterday:
I went to the beachy torquoise, salty sprays of Tulum, Mexico to renew and refuel and further investigate mind through contemplative and meditation practice (4 to 5 hours per day). In this retreat I was more interested in the narrower mechanism of mind, independent of higher conceptual thought-- the psychoanalytic or linguistic structures I have chosen to order reality in the world. To this end I brought no books or writing material and made minimal contact with others. I did not want mind to wander; as it has its own mind, it wanders enough. While idling mind still spits out images, memories and their concomitant emotions, and current thought products resulting from mind’s immediate contact with the world surround, such as, tension pushing up from the deep body, fears, desires, fantasizes, etc. My intention was to dissolve these products over a period of time through intense but effortless concentration. Nor did I have an expectation of “results,” which is another ego-driven desire for self-cherishing, independence of mind, and permanence.
Aside from Sunday morning’s meditation with everyone (I believe there were at least 30 people sitting together!), the first couple of days, as expected, mind had to shake out the accumulated “sick” energy absorbed from my work with others, and all other karmic residue. Shaking is a good descriptor, for it feels like shaking the body when stressed to experience relief and calm. Experientially though it felt like riding out a fever or even feeling a bit possessed (I love the word daemon—a spirit guide). It was very painful. Mind felt extremely vulnerable and constantly frightened. Feelings, thoughts, images, desires, regret and memory were all vibrating in a feeling of desolation. It was a kind of spiritus vertiginis without anything to cling on to. I understand this in the Christian context as similar to what St. John of the Cross called the “Dark Night of the Soul.” "If you only knew what darkness I am plunged into." It reminded me of what Tibetan’s call lung (pronounced “loong”) and it refers to mental stress from meditating. Another metaphor that I associate it with is the moment when breaking through a mental barrier as if moving through the speed of sound.
Up to this point there was no analyzing whatsoever, and after five days I experienced what might be called Samadhi. This followed a dream on my fourth night where I went back to my office and my office-mate asked why I came back from vacation so soon. I lied and said, my mother is dying and, with her arms raised and waving, she bobbed impassionately with associations to Einstein’s galaxy and spacetime and, in one stroke I awoke and looked out the window of my cabana to see the brightest object in the sky, what I think was Polaris. It was very strange, indeed and I smiled and immediately recognized my mother (really, my connection with all those souls who have passed), as I did soon after she left her body. It was a rare kind of recognition that words, like all these experiences I am attempting to describe, are utterly insufficient to convey the profundity of the experience.
My experience Wednesday night into Thursday morning is comparable to the Buddhist notion of samadhi, a high level of concentration where, for a period of time, mind becomes purified and luminous and is able to penetrate into the ultimate nature of reality. There is also a complete release from all suffering. I also experienced the union of the deepest levels of emptiness and cognizance, as remarkably illuminated in the limitless and clear night sky. In a sweep of recognition and transparency, there it was, the evolution of mind, dependent origination and the great fusion of interconnectedness through artifactual history -- from the first usage of a tool to the first utterance following thunder to extraordinary engineering and scientific feats across time to the underlying structures of quantum fields formulaically bellying up through the Hubble telescope and the mathematical language which describe them. And the words arose:
When the veil of fear is lifted, all is revealed.
At higher levels of awareness, everything is a sign, a pointer that hits up against this veil of ignorance. Ignorance is the loss of luminous cognizance caused by even subtle layers of fear. The fear, of course, is ultimately loss. Day in and day out there is an unceasing contact with the world, which leads to unending and unrelenting chatter in the guise of images and thought associations. What fuels this mental activity is emotion. Emotion is like the glue that coheres dualistic beliefs—the good/bad, right/wrong, life/death, existence/no existence, etc.
Most of this activity is unconscious but can be drawn out through a deep analytic process. When mind is sufficiently analyzed meditation practice is optimal. Still, mind is obdurate because it is conditioned to consistently crave and grasp. Our very attachment to craving and grasping is the cause of suffering. Further, the lives we ostensibly choose to live foster and strengthen this activity.
Because mind is an activity of consciousness shifting through developmental stages, we begin practice with a kind of mental capacity or worldview the logic of which is able to envision multiple perspectives among individual concepts simultaneously. Yet, this is still the conceptual mind, the mind that can intellectually describe a sunset or intimacy but not necessarily experience them in all their depth (we need emotion stirring intuition for this). The analytic process cultivates this level and is where most depth therapies end. Beyond this highest conceptual logic are the transpersonal levels in which meditation reaches its highest aim. Wilber, for example, calls these stages psychic, subtle, causal and nondual. These levels of awareness encompass aspects, “or even the whole, of humankind, life, the internal and external universe, and consciousness itself.” I like Roger Walsh’s formulation of Wilber’s stages:
"Psychic" refers to an initial transpersonal stage at which experience is still largely somatically based, such as in the experiences of kundalini energy or of the divinity of nature….By the time the subtle levels have emerged, experience is more interior and concerned with subtle experiences of light and sound (shabd and nad yoga) or archetypal imagery, for example, the shaman's power animals, the Hindu's Ishta Deva, the Christian contemplative's sacred figures. At the causal level all form and experiences drop away leaving only pure consciousness, such as the Buddhist's nirvana, the Vedantin's nirvikalpa samadhi, the Gnostic's abyss. [Franklin Merrell-Wolff’s “consciousness without an object” fits in here]. Finally, at the nondual culmination, phenomena reappear but are immediately and spontaneously recognized as projections, expressions, or manifestations of consciousness and as none other than consciousness. This is the Hindu's sahajsamadhi and Zen's "form is emptiness".”
The 10,000 om mani padme hums on a bed of Caribbean sand in my riddle reflected how I used this most divine mantra to keep mind still. Despite the pain and isolation of life, I am embodiment seeking the divine (OM), the jewel of compassion (MANI) and the lotus of wisdom (PADME), together cradled in the integration of mind (HUM) sending out rays of love to the whole universe.
I also invoked who I consider 7 of my teachers to accompany and guide me through my retreat. They were the radical and comical Bhagwan Sri Rajneesh, the Indian yogi Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, the American mystic Franklin Merrell-Wolff, my dear friend Monika’s teacher Tulku Urgyen, Gehlek Rinpoche, who taught me that I am grateful to be alive that I can cultivate compassion for all beings, without exception; the Dalai Lama, who transmitted Nagarjuna, and Choegyal Rinpoche, who directly transmitted to me the essence of karma.
Who could really be alone in such enlightened company? What a birthday, what a celebration. I have come back with a desire to reiterate two observations I live by:
1. There is no other way to true freedom (wisdom) and love (compassion) other than through meditation practice. This is because there is no other way to break through the confines of conceptual barriers but in the original Face and Great Silence of nondual awareness.
2. That for spiritual experience to become an enduring trait (as opposed to a peak state), spiritual development must be integrated with a deeper psychological understanding of self. This is particularly true for the western mind. How can I be in the world and cultivate relationship with the necessary highest levels of empathy without self-knowledge? Yes, my friends, empathy is the psychological portal to the true spiritual path. And remember, empathy is ultimately an act, not merely awareness playing with language. It is a turning toward the real (and all) other in a re(a)laxed state of relationship, yet with the conscious intention of ALWAYS asking oneself:
What does she feel? What does he need at this moment?
This should be everyone's mantra.
“i think that sometimes people relax relationship... they let loose [lose] their connection and they merely turn away.”
How sadly true this is. It is called empathic failure. Empathy never says, shut the fuck up, but rather, show the fuck up. You will not lose yourself, I promise, and you will.
Submitted by Caterina on Mon, 05/12/2008 - 12:23am.
in deep gratitude for this sharing of your experience, clarity, and wisdom, Om.
I feel that all teachings are contained in this. I trust the emotion of gratitude and the voice of intuition to guide me. And I know sitting is the only way for me to allow the rocking of mind to still and for what needs to come up and move through to do so.
Your writing is crystal clear.
I am deeply touched by the experience that you say cannot be conveyed, the recognition of your mother.
In deep gratitude to you for giving you and all of us your luminous practice!
And empathy... ah. So gorgeous, so peaceful and generous.
Submitted by nico lime (not verified) on Mon, 05/12/2008 - 4:18pm.
Welcome back, Om. Loved your post/journal entry. When I first saw how long it was, I thought I was going to have a hard time getting through it, but to the contrary, I really connected to it. thanks for sharing.
if you don't mind, i will cut it out and save it in my electronic library.
Though I didn’t bring any books with me on my meditation retreat to Tulum, following my practice I did think about Dalai Lama’s `Stages of Meditation’ and the Dalai Lama and Daniel Goleman’s `Destructive Emotions.’ I wanted to return to them upon my return. Then, tonight, Nadine asked about my post and, specifically, the difference between compassion and empathy.
This is such a great question and one I have thought about at length. What makes these two terms complicated are primarily their meanings relative to two greatly diverse cultures in which I have tried to contextualize them, namely, Eastern and, especially, Tibetan, and Western cultures. The West’s emphasis on self is the tricky aspect in understanding such terms which depend on relationship for their meanings. Due to the dualism (distinction) between self and other, compassion in the West usually refers to compassion for another. The essentially grounding principle of Buddhism, emptiness, refutes this distinction, and so, there is no real separation between self and other.
In `Destructive Emotions,’ the Dalai Lama says “The Tibetan term for caring or compassion, tsewa, includes both self and others…. The connotation is the wish `May I be free of suffering, and free of the sources of suffering.’ And then there is empathy, on the basis of which one can recognize the kinship of self and others, and then feel compassion for others. But, it all comes under the rubric of the one term, `compassion.’” (italics mine).
In a previous `Mind and Life’ meeting with Sharon Salzberg, the American Buddhist teacher, the Dalai Lama found it incredulous that in the West there is this practice of developing lovingkindness toward oneself before focusing on others, due to such pervasive levels of low self-esteem and self-loathing. Self-loathing was foreign to the Dalai Lama. In the West, when defining compassion, the view is to leave oneself out of the equation, which, according to the Dalai Lama, is a “drastic omission.”
Distnguishing between empathy and compassion, the Dalai Lama shares, “In essence, compassion is more than simply feeling for another – empathy – but a concerned, heartfelt caring, wanting to do something to relieve the person’s suffering. And that holds whether the being involved is oneself, someone else, or an animal.” P. 60-61.
From here, for Buddhism, it seems that empathy is the recognition of “kinship” and the feeling for another, while compassion includes empathy but goes further as acts of lovingkindness. In `Stages of Meditation,’ Dalai Lama’s commentary on Kamalashila’s text, `Stages of Meditations,’ he says, “Compassion is a mind wishing that sentient beings be free from suffering, and lovingkindness is a mind wishing that they meet with happiness…. The special attitude here means that you not only mentally think how good it would be if sentient beings were free from suffering, but you voluntarily take responsibility for actually engaging in the work of delivering sentient beings to the state of liberation and helping them remove their sufferings.” P. 67 (italics mine).
While compassion in Western psychology is ostensibly similar to Eastern Buddhist formulations (the desire to alleviate another’s suffering), in addition to ontological differences just mentioned, compassion is also distinguished from empathy in that empathy requires a higher cognitive capacity which involves recognizing or understanding another's state of mind or emotion. Because it is described metaphorically as an emotional kind of resonance or mirroring, it is a sophisticated imaginative process. I personally have slightly distinguished between empathy and compassion in an opposite way as Buddhism, but I think it is more semantic than any real difference. My own formulation suggests that compassion is the desire to alleviate suffering but empathy involves the empathic act of lovingkindness. In other words, empathy is ultimately an act and that act is guided by a highly developed cognition (recognition/wisdom) and compassion (desire).
Thank you for your post in reponse to mine. I agree with your interpretation of the dream and have been sitting with this. On an intellectual level I understand letting go; I even taste it from time to time; I even see it and know it in some glimmering moments, like now, early this morning, in the clear light of 60 degrees when I am part of the entire landscape around me. I am so quiet these days. I don't know how to let go - it is nothing something I can will myself to do, but something I know I must do and doing will be long and continous, painful and gentle. What I am feeling right now, is the beginning of the beginning of many beginnings. There is an ocean of letting go.
I am pondering the last lines of your poem,evolution, light and the art of wing-rowing.
like a bat wing-rowing
through gravity in stroked tautness into the air
and propulsive glory in downstroke
and upstroke in blind motion without
pondering in flight the meaning of life.
do you mean that the bat is free from pondering the meaning of life? That the bat is living without the constraits of consciousness? Are you implying that if we were as free as the bat in flight we would not be pondering the meaning of life?
like how the greater light disappears
and falls like a corpse in the galaxy
of day or night; and, though blind, searching
out the vast dark spaces of caves as if for light
in the glory of its flight, without wondering how
in its continuous resurrections, light could
in the depth of darkness, die out without
the force of dying; realization is just this.
Again, I am wondering about the words that imply not questions or pondering when you say ' without wondering how it's continuouse ressurections...." Do you mean that the life ( or light) is always present in the darkness and in this state is just dissipates without a great upheaval. Is this a gentle way of looking at life and death?
Is the realization just: to be, without question?
Depending on your answer - I am certain I have more questions.
Em, I want to say again how much I loved your post and, at the risk of sounding presumptuous, I really believe you have entered a transformative space in your life (I can't ait for your retreat!!! Watch what happens). I am filled with joy for you because I can feel it. I was just talking to Caterina about the difference between those people who change and those who don’t; when, for example, analysis works and when it doesn’t. It works when we want it to work, when we are committed to healing and have the pure intention to heal and grow. You come to my mind immediately because you are so focused, on all levels, on evolving or, perhaps re-turning to Who you Originally are. Om mani padme hum. It’s a long bake for sure, but even in one lifetime when can dismantle and break through lifetimes of karmic do-do. As you say, there is an ocean of letting go, but the waves are exhilarating as they roll over you.
Thank you for reading the poem. It was one of the poems I wrote during my grieving period. To your questions, yes yes yes! “the bat is free from pondering the meaning of life…. That the bat is living without the constraints of consciousness….that if we were as free as the bat in flight we would not be pondering the meaning of life?” I don’t recall now, but I found the bat a perfect metaphor for our blindness as the Light of Pure Awareness dying out into the light we see in everyday life, which is the illusion and refraction of pure consciousness, a pointer at best, but not Pure Awareness. Pure Awareness can only be directly experienced when perception burns itself out through the initial darkness (of breaking through the ego structures) opening up to the True Light. The mystic Massimo Scaligero, in his wildly brilliant book, `La Luce’ (`The Light’), says, “The light by which we see things is only a symbol. At the point of seeing the light, we lose it….The light we think we see is the light that has annihilated itself so that we can see. We are always at the point of seeing the light.”
And so, the bat is a perfect metaphor because it represents the mountain before and after reaching enlightenment through meditation. First, our blindness is our failure to see the True Light and then, through a life of practice, the bat’s blindness is its natural state. This is mind returning to its Buddha-nature.
“Do you mean that the life ( or light) is always present in the darkness and in this state is just dissipates without a great upheaval. Is this a gentle way of looking at life and death?”
Em, you so completely understand this poem as I intended. Thank you!
Ultimately realization is, as you say, without questions. The questions are over. Back to Caterina, I said, you don’t have to analyze anymore, just dissolve it.
My head is swirling with your description of your mother's day with your family. My mind keeps setting this scene of you as a little boy stuck at the dinner table on some deserted island without a clue if anyone is going to rescue you and get you off that frightening place.
I kept thinking about your mother yelling at your grandmother (abusing her is how I would see it) and yelling at other times at her children. It reminded me of a Thomas Mann short story I read a very long time ago, whose name I can't recall. But the story burned a hole right through me when I read it. It was about a very sad and pathetic man who was beaten down by life. There was a little dog who was also beaten down but who followed him and, in that dog kind of way, devoted to him. The man in a fit of rage saw how pathetic the dog was and unleashed all his hatred and angry at the only creature and killed the only being that cared for him.
Thank you! I'm still riding the great samadhi wave and exploding with love with a million arms reaching out. I sat with our lovely Nadine tonight who knows that wave well. There is nothing like a shared meditation to raise the vibrations of awareness. Together, we watch all the walls dissolve and all space, as you say, dissolving the between of separateness. Yes, you must have been there sitting with us tonight. Yes, I'm sure that was you. Oh, and remember, pee is empty, too.
Oh, it was lovely as usual to be with Arnold and Anya – the three of us seem to be in a sweet harmony these days. In the morning I rushed to the grocery store to get some things to take to my mother, then to the nursery to pick up some plants, and then we drove in the grey, cool day to Baltimore. My mother’s apartment is spotless, with lots of pictures and collectables everywhere. There is a huge painting of my sisters and I as children (which I absolutely hate and am thrilled she is leaving it to my sister in California). We ate lunch together,. My father is quieter than usual and in obvious discomfort and my mother fills the space with all kinds of talk – this time about everything she is hearing about Barbara Walters, whose autobiography my sister and I gave to her as a present, since we know it would give her great pleasure. We watched a movie together and then came home. The afternoon exhausted me, as many of my trips to Baltimore do –there is so much sadness and dependency and expectation in the air – but I do my best at giving my attention and bringing to them some of the things that may fill their expectations. My mother is a believer in all the symbols of the day. In the evening, I sat, a good sitting, which helped me find my way back home, something so necessary these days, as so much change is bumping up against me. I am aware of events that tend to cause my ankles to turn and cause me to be unbalanced. So I sit as much as possible. At yoga today I worked on balancing poses. I feel my emotions like a storm inside and am trying to just sit with them so that I will not be dragged too far from myself. I used to live by the edges of my emotions. I feel them – the well of joy and sadness as Anya heads towards graduation, as Noah prepares to journey further into the world, as my father is fading toward his death.
But back to your question about Mother’s Day. It is really no different than any other day except for the pressure our culture imposes on it to somehow be different or greater than every other day. But the nicest part was that I was given a new purse. The one I have been carrying for I don’t know how long has a zipper that has been stuck in the half open half closed position, which makes finding things very difficult and being the lazy and not all that interested shopper that I am, it was thrilling that this highly Hallmark, commercial holiday, landed me with a new purse, better designed, so that my family and friends will not have to wait as long for me to find my keys, dig out my phone, or find my license which often slips out of my wallet, if the cops every stop me for going too slow or stopping at a green light.
beautiful post, James. It's amazing the difference a preposition can make in a relationship! For me relaxing into relationship is about trust- of myself and the other. If I were to try to make something work that wasn't workable, that would be unrelaxed. In many ways, in my last relationship, I was coming from a place of fear (we both were), which was not relaxed. We were good at hanging around, snuggling, and relaxing in that way and I certainly felt comfortable with being myself, but there was always that fear lurking that usually manifested in anger and judgement. Relaxing would mean letting the other person be himself. It would include giving and getting lots of space, but not so much that there was a disconnect, as you mention. It would also include lots of pushing and pushing back, but from a place of love and recognition.
Above all, relaxing into relationship would mean feeling safe. And as I shared with Nadine and Caterina earlier today, the ability to risk losing the relationship in order to save it, as opposed to clinging to something out of fear of losing it or of the unknown.
We were discussing Caterina's questions as we sat by the Hudson river with another friend after a yoga class. We had brought flowers with us, which we had imbued with something that we wanted to release. This exercise came from a shamanic journey that we were led through the other night by a woman trained in a peruvian shamanic tradition (that's a whole other amazing experience to share here at some point). She said that you should always release what you want to let go into a river. If there's something you want to keep, you should plant it in the ground. After sitting for a minute, I decided to release my desire to be made whole by another person. I find that I often rely on others to lead me and have a difficult time trusting in my own voice, intuition, desires, etc. So I released all of that into the Hudson. bye, bye, fears.
It's good to have you back on the block, James. Is there a particular reason you were feeling distant from us? you mentioned feeling grumpy the morning of Om's bday. what's goin' on?
Also, I loved that story you shared about listening to your younger self. I always find those experiences kind of disconcerting, but it 's really a beautiful opportunity to see how you have grown and transformed. I have a nude black and white photo of myself from when I was 18. I misplaced it recently (oops!)and I am curious to see it again. It's not the same as hearing what you were really thinking and talking about, but still a window into a former self. It reminds that I was doing and thinking about really cool things back then, despite how frightened, angry and insecure I was, and I am so grateful for all that I have learned to make me a stronger and better equipped woman now. the death of that younger self is a welcome one. I can't wait for the shedding of the next skin...
thanks for welcoming me back :) and thanks for asking what's going on. you know we've got to find a way to bring some love/understanding here today. i'm not quite sure what the deep-down of it is, but i'll do a little digging. as my friend calvin says -- there's treasure everywhere!
it feels the surface of my struggle is that i can't touch you. this hasn't been an issue for me, and you all might recall that i have in the past been one of those voices suggesting that this distance is not nearly so much a limitation as one may at first believe it to be. no, it's been great for me on here and i've been both excited to meet you all, and content to continue getting to know you here. but touch... perhaps touch is the first and remembered for the first time as new often is--
yes, Noah, perhaps. it's like the idealization, which isn't good enough for me anymore; and though i think idealization is a necessary and important and even fun part of relationship, i haven't quite learned this yet, and have to rebel a bit. run from idealization, deny it for what feels more real, more present, more... touch. it's not that you all haven't been here -- you've been here beautifully. and it's not that i'm just not digging the blog this week, or anything as easy as that. no, this fits into my whole big picture current experience.
okay, okay. maybe i'm a little somewhere. ahh touch. sounds like i celebrate it. i'm not sure if i've told everyone here, but i love to be scratched. (for example, check my poem here "The Cat" in the middle of the post -- i'm the cat :) so if i'm ever bullying you, just scratch my head a bit and i'll roll up into a ball of purr. but... i also struggle with touch. to give my struggle a name would be to name: sexuality. lately i've come to think that my sensuality is doing okay, but that darn sexuality is just... well, frankly, its missing in action. yeah, well, it was a weird adolescence for that reason. so this touch thing... while i feel distant because i cannot touch you, i also feel safer in that distance. so i think this is my rebellion, in a way, to just turn from here.
One of my cats peed on my meditation cushion. Why me? What have I done? Yesterday he sat with me while I sat; today he pees where I sat. Is that love, or what?
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A Good Place Tour in Yunnan
The famous national grade resort Jiuxiang Scenic Spot the member of international cave association. It is located in Yiliang Jiuxiang Yi nationality and Hui nationality are 90 kilometers east of Kunming city. It is only 60 kilometers away from the famous stone forest scenic spot. Even though there are not the glorious and traditional architectures, beautiful and regular landscape like the spots in Summer Palace, but the natural and simple resorts will let you love this area.
Jiuxiang scenic spot is a mew spot in Yunnan province. The cave landscape is the mainly scenery in the spot. Jiuxiang scenic spot is a comprehensive resort containing natural scenery, humanity landscape and nationality amorous feelings. There are hundreds of big and small caves in the spot. It is the cave group system with the largest scale, large number and special cave landscape.
The other character of Jiuxiang is that the water here is very beautiful. There is not only the two kilometers underground river in cave to go boating, but also flying waterfall, gorge river way with rising steeply walls on the two sides. Go boating here you will realize the natural quiet and mystery.
Jiuxiang is the living area of the Yi nationality ancestor and has long history nationality traditional culture and strong nationality amorous feelings. Among all of the festivals, Jiuxiang Super Hunter Festival is a ceremonious nationality festival. To celebrate the Super Hunter Festival every year, people hold various activities to express the happy atmosphere, the revere to the hunter and the hope for the good harvest. The activities include tumbling, bullfight, antiphonal singing, Dasanxian music and so on. If tourists have a Yunnan travel in February first in Chinese lunar calendar, you will meet the ceremonious Super Hunter festival.
Besides the caves and the festival, the flower and stone in Jiuxiang are also famous scenery. The orchid in Jiuxiang is most beautiful. There are large numbers of orchids in Jiuxiang. Jiuxiang is the hometown of the flowers. The rare stones in Jiuxiang also have appreciation value.
MR PLUMBEAN TEACHES THE UPANISHADS
How synchronous that Mr Plumbean arrives on the scene as we talk about fear, anger and death (what Buddhism would categorize as karmic formations). Mr Plumbean shares the story of the two birds, from the Mundaka Upanishads (Upanishad refers to that divine knowledge or wisdom which loosens the bonds of samsara, or transient existence and dissolves the ignorance of one’s ultimate true nature and leads him to Brahman or God).
“Jiva and Paramatman [are] two birds, inseparable companions of each other sitting on the same tree, one on the higher and the other on the lower branches. The bird on the lower branch (individual soul) keeps eating the fruits of the tree (results of karma) some sweet and some bitter and experiences joy and sorrow. As the lower bird grows disgusted of the taste of the bitter fruit of the tree, he looks up to the splendid vision above him of the upper bird and draws himself nearer to him. But he soon forgets the glorious vision in his love for the fruits of the tree and keeps returning to eating the sweet and bitter fruit. The latter just sits majestically ever calm and collected, never touching the sweet and bitter fruits. The lower bird continues to experience disgust again and again but slowly keeps advancing a little more towards the splendid vision before him. So on he advances, till at last, when he reaches the upper bird, the whole vision changes, and he finds himself to be none other than the upper bird (collective soul) who was sitting in all splendour and majesty all the time.”
Mr. Plumbean
Arnold, Your pictures always take my breath away. Mr. Plumbean is beautiful. I love how the picture allows us to relish his splendor and smile at his mischievous behavior all at once.
I met a photographer on the plane that made me think of you. I was privy to a very special gift. I was watching from behind as he went through his photos and adjusted the ones he liked for his website. It turned it into a game and would try to guess which ones he was going to choose before he imported them into his adobe program. I was lost in the images for over an hour, they were so captivating. It was a really nice treat, in someway I felt like I was seeing straight inside of him. I imagined he was a photojournalist and putting choices together for his editor. But when I had the chance to ask him what he was going to do with the final pictures he told me he was going to post them on his website. www.toddcam.com
Thanks for sharing this picture Arnold, it is really wonderful.
BLOOD
I should tell you that this bird hates me. He takes pleasure in drawing blood from my body with that vicious beak. This photograph is in the baroque style.... it is the instant before blood spurts from my ear and I go ballistic with anger.
So although he may look cute at the moment of this picture, it does not tell the whole story. Now I do fear him and this crazy behavior makes me very angry. There need to be bars between us or I am not around.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.
Arnold, Mr. Plumbean and Death
Processing man and bird- death and other things…
Arnold it’s karma, sweetheart. Mr. Plum hates you for a reason. Maybe you were an owl in your previous life. Maybe you didn’t respect his otherness. Maybe your blood was the sweetest meal he ever had.
If it makes you feel any better, Mr .P has a new arch enemy – my computer mouse. He waked down the ladder to my desk very quietly and then attacked it. He actually lay on his back with the mouse in his mouth, wrestling it, opening his wings around it. I had to swoop down myself to save it – he tore bits of plastic off. Maybe he thought you were a computer part. In any case, he does not appreciate you saying bad things about him. But I thank you for disclosing your relationship. Like I said, I think working things out on the blog is fine but it helps to know a little history. (That’s all I was saying James. Just fill me in so I don’t feel as if I am reading an abridged version of book that everyone else has read.
And OM - DEATH DOES EXIST. Sure we can call it transformation, sure I think that my sister’s spirit is still around, but what was is no longer. Call it change. Call it transformation. I still call it DEATH.
EMILY IS SO UNREAL
“And OM - DEATH DOES EXIST.”
Emily and Plumbean, I said, “And I imagine myself taking Anya and sitting her down in front of me and saying, What would it mean for you if death weren’t real? I don’t mean metaphorically, I mean in actuality.” The key word is “real,” not “exist….There really is no death because there really is no one to die.” And then I said, “for they are in fact the same thing, death and fear: neither one is real.” There is so much suffering because we live with people who unwittingly reinforce the unreality that is, combined with being away from nature and solitude.”
Yes, death like Mr. Plumbean and Arnold’s bloody ear exist (and now me wrestling you on the floor of love) but they do not inherently exist, which means they’re not REAL. They are neither permanent nor independently existent. We suffer BECAUSE we do not understand this truth; it’s that simple and that complex. The deeper we realize this truth, the simpler it becomes and the less we suffer. And yes, I believe there is an absolute cessation of suffering and it is possible while alive, perhaps not in this lifetime for me but soon enough, as long as I sit and cultivate compassion for all beings, without exception. Now, I know you know you know and that you know I know you know, so why are you breaking my balls?
Honestly, OM
I don't know what you mean by real. Or how how real and exist differ. I'm quite serious here. I may know, but I don't understand. What am I missing? I don't know. Is there no death because things are simply transformed? And even so, that is a kind of death, a kind of ending, perhaps with a new beginning, but an ending just the same. And, I mourn endings as equally as I celebrate beginnings. I thiink we are crossing paths here, but I don't exactly know how. How do you know your truth is the only truth? I really want to wrap my mind around this - but my arms are wrapped still, and always, around you. Shall I send your balls a get well card?
EMILY, MY LOVE
this is exactly what I asked from James, so I thank you and am deeply appreciative. You say, "I'm quite serious here." You see, James? That's my cue, that's all I need. And I'm not being condescending, I'm serious. With that said, I am running to the new Scorcese Rolling Stones film, `Shine a Light,' so I can't respond right now. But, I promise I'll be back perhaps later to shine a light on this most, the very most and most very significant question of what exists and what is real, and how they are related (since they are both empty) but opposite in their meanings. I would love if anyone else would address Emily's question before I get back, if you're around.
Your specific question, how do you know your truth is the only truth is especially important to me. I certainly have never said MY truth is the only truth, nor is anything MY truth in the possessive sense. I only share what I know from direct experience, not from any doctrine or scripture and, according to Buddha (who resonates deeply for me), for anything to be true, one must have direct experience. For me, this is why religion is deeply suspect and susceptible to serious critique. Like you, Emily, I am a truth seeker, not a truth purveyor, even if and when it sounds or feels as if I am proselytizing.
Love you!
om mani padme hum
PS
This is the first film I'm bringing Charly to. I hope she doesn't mind the loud music.
SYMPATHY FOR THE SCHMECKEL: LIKE A ROLLING STONES
Last night at the IMAX theater was a treat indeed. Scorcese’s `Let the Light Shine’ was a close up of the Rolling Stones concert at the Beacon Theater. And I mean close up. What I loved most was the feeling of being onstage with the band and observing how they interact, not so much with the audience, but with each other. There were many tender moments and an amazing flow resonating between them. Just exquisite to witness. And, of course, the raw energy and 45 years of music! Say what???
And then there’s Emily, whose question I wanted to address. Though the Rolling Stones have been together for a long time, these guys are in their 60’s, and so, what do they have, another 30 years of performing left? At some point their stones will go unturned and will no longer be rolling. This is what I thought about last night. Mick Jagger has really aged and is now a grandfather. He was 63 at this performance. If I were susceptible, as I once was, to nostalgia, I would probably feel pain at watching this performance, for a few reasons; one of which is my identification with the band, and so witnessing a mirroring of my own aging and eventually death. In a nostalgic mode, I would also likely long for a time now lost. Both of these dynamics would be dependent on my attachment to, not only history and time, but to a self that positions itself in a history it perceives as existing as isolated, independent and permanent. This self, called Paul, craves and grasps at these ostensibly isolated moments and wraps itself around the images called memories with emotions of longing and loss. The emotions fuel the attachment to the past and therefore cause suffering when confronted with the fact of loss.
But, what if this self called Paul is not what Paul thinks it is? It exists for sure because his consciousness names it and experiences it, and other consciousnesses reinforce its existence by interacting with it in similar perceived ways. But, is there a chance that what Paul perceives as an autonomous and permanently existent entity, is an unreliable perception? In fact, what if what Paul perceives as autonomous and permanent is in fact not an entity per se at all; that is, that the self known as Paul, in its essence, lacks solidity and autonomy and permanence? What if Paul was actually an “activity” of consciousness literally connected to all other phenomena in a kind of web or energy fields that, given the limitation of human perception, only appears as solid and permanent? And what if that were true of all the attributes associated with this consciousness named Paul; that is, that they were activities of consciousness interconnected with all other activities of consciousness constantly in a flow of change? And what if this included language itself, the very form that shapes reality and gives names to activities of consciousness, such as, birth, life, death and suffering? What if no one ever assigned an identity or category to self and birth and death, nor placed certain values on them which, in turn, indicated a peculiar type of suffering in which we are all familiar? What if we grew up in a culture that believed that death was not what we have defined death to be, but was instead an opening to another garden of consciousness, one perhaps more joyful?
I think you get my point. What I am describing here is not MY truth, but a fundamental critique of what we have been conditioned to believe in and call real and absolute. It’s amazing to me that people, including myself, believe in suffering. Suffering is a construct of language, which fuels other constructs related to power, control and domination, which, in turn are themselves constructs. We have assigned values on a number of culturally constructed and privileged activities which, by their nature, cause suffering. Death and family and religion and relationship and competition and status and race and gender are a few. So what is my ultimate point here? These things we call phenomena exist, but they exist in appearance only; that is, they appear as they do because of the way the 5-sensory brain perceives them. However, the way the brain has evolved, something quite remarkable has happened to a few brains: the awareness of internal self states and the capacity to represent internal self states through language. With a highly complex integration of cognitive processes and reasoning, the awareness unique to humans is a self or meta awareness that, for some, has evolved even further into an awareness of a more inclusive consciousness coextensive with ordinary existence. This higher level awareness is what Buddhism, for example, calls the cognizance of emptiness, the ultimate nature of (mind) phenomena; which means 1) that phenomena lack permanent (inherent) and autonomous existence, 2) that the things of this world are fleeting, ephemeral; and 3) because phenomena have no intrinsic reality, they can have infinite manifestations.
Finally, the direct experience of this realization is said to eradicate suffering because it recognizes the very causes of suffering. In Indian and Buddhist philosophies and some western mystical teachings, the cause of suffering is the ignorance of this ultimate reality.
JAMES IS A LOOPHOLE AND EMILY HAS NO BOUNDARIES
Ultimately, that is. Just in case James attempts to block me from one of my long-winded posts, I’ve found a loophole and decided to create two less-winded winding posts, because I’m not finished with Emily yet. I will fight until she doesn’t have the strength to get off the floor and leave me. Regarding what exists and what’s “real,” I had another interesting thought having to do with the evolution of the brain and boundaries. With the emergence of the neocortex in the later phase of evolution, language and logic appeared and brought with them the self-reflexive mind. Interiority was born, how the world looks from the inside: how mind feels, perceives and cognizes existence. As brain extended, so did boundary. If we look at different types of self/other boundaries from the perspective of a vertical dimension, we can see how existence changes and dissolves more and more with increased depth. For example, development takes us from physical self/other to emotional self/other to conceptual self/other to cultural role-self/role-other, and with it, a “loosening” or extending and ultimate dissolution of boundary. I would argue that the loosening of boundaries allows us to transcend (or outcontext) the limitations of a previous developmental stage of differentiation (while, at the same time, including them). For instance, the emotional self is a more differentiated (and complex) self than the physical self, and in turn, the conceptual self is more differentiated than the emotional self.
Personally, my interest in Buddhist philosophy guided me through these earlier “understandings” of self-in-the-world. With a deep analysis and consequent direct experience of emptiness, for example, mind itself began to loosen its hold on the nature of solid objects and autonomous perceptions of reality (and the concomitant suffering engendered in those perceptions). It also allowed me to loosen boundaries with my friends in such a way as to create more intimate and therefore healing and growth experiences. When I help a friend out, I help her to understand how this boundary called self is necessary in order to dissolve it into interconnected awareness. That process of dissolution, however, can take a long period of time and not everyone achieves it. But, at least they are guided towards that direction.
Om, thanks for your reply
Om, thank you for responding to my questions. I think where I tripped was on the word empty, which means something quite different in the context of Buddhist thinking than how I perceive it’s meaning in my normal everyday life, where there is a judgment that I attach to it. But I see that it means that things – our minds, have no lasting existence. It is not a dependent entity but something that is interdependent on many things for its existence.
Intuitively, I know this to be true. At times it is alive in me and guides me. But still, there is a level in which loss (death) still holds its power over me. I feel this churning fresh. There are concepts that still reside in my mind only, that have yet to be swallowed into all of me.
I just reached my acceptance in a program with my teacher this summer. It is a 6 day course/retreat in California this summer: CULTIVATING PRESENCE: TRAINING RETREAT IN COMPASSIONATE END-OF LIFE CARE. It is a time to dig deep into these issues, to mediate, to talk, to explore. I feel a fresh vulnerability arising, something that does frighten me a little, but it is good, I know. It means there are things ready to rise to the surface to be greeted, looked at, and released. While the retreat is geared toward people in the hospice and health care professions, I think that it cuts right to the heart of the matter: death, how we live with it, how we accept it, how to stay present in ourselves.
And the image you creates of sitting on the beach, thinking about Iris - that will stay with me. I will think of you as the sun comes up.
em, your retreat
Sounds amazing!
"Fresh vulnerability" sounds like a beautiful space to be in in anticipation of this retreat.
a dopey metaphor
this is in response to Megan's beautiful thank you note; and Megan: take your time, no worries. you inspired a very lovely reflection for me, and i'm so glad to get to explore my anger, and yet also my love and gratitude, for my childhood and parenting, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera :)
-----------
i got stabbed and shot this morning. okay, that's an exaggeration, but my arms are sore. i got five shots (three in the right arm, two in the left) for my trip to Nepal. i didn't know we're suppose to get a tetanus shot every 8-10 years (whoops) but i know now why no one told me. they suck! i'm all bruised up (poor guy), but i'm much better prepared (not just because of the shots, but also the info i received form the nurse) for a safe trip. and i like getting to use the word 'safe' here, because i get the sense that this sort of safety makes risk all the more rewarding. recklessness is risk over-the-edge. there's some disconnect there; at least, that's the sense i get. whereas excessive caution is under-the-covers. there's no capacity to reach outside of oneself and be spontaneous, to live. in my case this has come from paralyzing fear. i've never been terribly reckless, but certainly overly cautious.
anyway, i think we all know the sort of safety we hide in. but then there's a different kind of safety. maybe it's the safety of boundaries. to be safe enough in this relationship to be able to fuck up and know the relationship is still there. that's pretty cool. so many of my relationships, one forgotten call is more whining and cursing. of course, this 'safety' can turn sour, too, if one lets me get away with all sorts of nonsense. come on, take this relationship seriously. i fuck up, too, and you need to tell me when i do so. yeah, it's starting to sound like healthy boundaries, this other kind of safety. and maybe it's also about having the tools to be able to explore and expand. like these shots. it's kind of a dopey metaphor, but i'm safe enough now to move deeply into my new relationship with Nepal, and the people i'll meet there, without fear, without hesitation and apprehension-- and yet, without recklessness. it's a middle ground, a balance. maybe it's also about awareness, the way that i'll be able to eat and drink without constant panic, and yet without dangerous laxity, either.
so i was walking down the street with my sore arms dangling at my sides thinking about this in vague detail, and then i came home and read Megan's thank you note, in which she writes:
and i thought, "maybe this dopey metaphor applies here, too." okay, so my arms are sore and my body and i will have to work through it for a few days, but then i'll have the fortitude to go to a foreign land and explore, safely. so yeah, perhaps there isn't a way to leave a child unscathed. i'm scared of that, too. but, then again, perhaps that's not what's most important to me. there are always injuries to be suffered and harms to be put through-- maybe what's important is to have the tools to face these struggles. i'm plenty angry with my parents, but aside from all the injury they (unwittingly) inflicted upon me, they (and my karma) also managed to give me the tools to struggle safely; i'm always grateful for this-- even though it still sucks (...seriously...) to struggle this much at all.
A DOPEY ACTUALITY. HEY JAMES,
how's your sitting?
I sat today!
I know you weren't asking me, but I just wanted to share.
I figured, since I've been waking up so damn early, my body/mind/the universe is trying to tell me something about what I need to do for myself.
And what have you figured
And what have you figured out so far?
Nico cider
and what's going on with you, Nico? what are you mulling over?
I have been working out my chunky butt!
But mostly I have been feeling compartmentalized and a little bit dissociated. Mostly about memories or ghosts of memories of things I don't even remember happened. But these things, they haunt my dreams with clues and signs I struggle to make sense of. So, like you, I have also been getting up early in the mornings. Earlier than my usual time of 8:30 am. Now I find myself up at 7:30, tossing turning and wishing I could go back to sleep and sleep a peaceful sleep that lets me forget and erase everything that bothers me and that I can't quite make out. Too much to ask I guess.
Damnit, this awareness really fucks with my sleep.
Hi Ceili
Saw you name pop up. And so hello. It was so lovely to have met you. I have this great photograph of you.... hugs
Hi Emily
I have been trying to keep my head above water recently, home stretch for the schoolyear and all.
I had tried to write something to say how grateful I am that You, Arnold, and Anya invited me into your home, and how lovely and lovingly I felt there. Though the originial thanks got swept up with the undertow, I still feel it and remember fondly my second (and definitely favorite) seder dinner.
also, I adore the picture(s). Thank you Arnold :)
how are you ?
Hey Cami
I sat today too!
Today it was in a dark, silent room in the studio where I work. So nice.
It was terrential downpours in that room, but I chanted some and then just let go to the opening. It's so quiet and open, that opening.
What was your sitting like?
Hey Kitty Kat
My sitting wasn't quite as stormy or releasing as yours sounds. At first I was just going to do some yoga asana practice, but I wound up sitting for awhile longer in the beginning. then I thought it would be nice to listen to this meditation cd I have (Sally Kempton, formerly known as Swami Durgananda). It was cool. I still have such a hard time when I sit by myself to get into the space I can when I'm with others, but I'm trying to just let myself have the anxiety about it and trust that in time it will change. I did some yoga for about 45 minutes after sitting for about 15 and then I did a long restorative sivasana lying over a big bolster with lots of pillows supporting my knees and a lavender scented eye pillow. I played myself music and had some incense going. it was nice. I felt like I was treating myself to something good.
speaking of which, I have a friend who is going through this pretty intense training to be a spiritual life coach. It's like a graduate program, but even more intense since they go very deeply into their own stuff and meditation and other practices are built into it. She has been on this thing lately of dating herself. So far, she took herself out to a fancy dinner, made a special candlelight dinner for herself at home, and I think took herself to a show or something. She's also going to take herself to philadelphia this weekend to see an art show she's been wanting to go to and she's staying in a hotel by herself. She sad that part of the reason she's doing this is that if she can treat herself well and enjoy herself, rather than waiting around for a man to do it for her, she'll attract and be attracted to a man who is healthier. she would probably articualte this differently, since I know it's not just about finding a man, but I thought it was an interesting idea and wondered what you all thought about it. Part of me feels like it's a little bit too focused on the behavior or symptom, as opposed to the root causes of her feelings about herself, but I know she's doing that work as well.
Camila
About your work: professional distance or burn out? How can you tell the difference?
My most favorite job was when I was a social worker/activity person for a hotel for senior citizens in the 1970's. It was actually a ship, lost at sea - everyone aging, and no one planning on how to take care of them. No one thought that people would age and die when they started it and so at some point it became a world unto itself. I dealt with everything you could image. But one day when someone died I realized that the death didn't touch me. I felt nothing. Then a man set himself on fire by smoking in his room. He died and I found the body. I felt absolutely nothing. No horror. No saddness. Soon after, I gave notice. I was burnt out and needed a change to recenter myself.
I have much more professional distance now. There are still times, however, when I feel that I have lost touch with myself in what I do. It's such a fine balance to stay present, compassionate, and not absorb everything. Sometimes I think I have grown so much and then other times I feel like I know nothing.
good question, Em
there's definitely some burn out going on in there, as well as professional distance. My theme/intention of last year was to learn how to not take things personally and cultivate compassion for myself and others. I still have a lifetime to go with that, but it's getting easier, and I at least am more aware of it now. The death that you deal with on such a regular basis sounds very challenging, especially since everyone in our culture is so ill equipped to deal with it.
I struggle a lot with dealing with other people's mental illness that is not really my job or anything I have been trained to deal with either. My job is to be a housing developer, which I'm not trained to deal with either, but I'm learning as I go (budgets, construction issues, dealing with attorneys and government agencies, and now also talking with people's therapists and helping them to manage their extreme anxiety and depression). I need to focus on boundaries and not take responsibility for everyone's life drama, which is very hard for me. I feel bad for that 90 year old woman with no one to take care of her but a home health aid, but what can I do? I can't create a family for her. I can encourage her neighbors to look out for her, but I can't make them do it either. I really am in awe of what you do, Em. My experience with the older clients I'm working with is that any kind of change is devastating to them. You can only imagine what it's doing to them that I'm making them move out of their apartments for at least a year into a totally different neighbhorhood, away from their support system. Thankfully, most of them do have huge families who take care of them. And of course, the benefit is that they will move back into non-vermin infested apartments with functioning plumbing and all sorts of healthier conditions.
THis post is all over the place, since I'm writing from work, when I should really be looking at spreadsheets.
more later. this weekend I'm going to a two day art workshop with my mom. I'll tell you guys all about it when I get back. I'm thinking of you all all the time, even if I don't respond to all your posts, I am in my heart.
love, cami
camila's friend
hey camila ! :)
so i've been pretty super busy these last few weeks working on a pretty big and actually rather exciting project (researching the contemporary status of Buddhist nuns in Sri Lanka -- i'll tell you about them sometime), and now i've got a few more papers to bang out this weekend (lame!), but the other day as i was getting ready to rush home and work and be stressed out, i stopped dead in my tracks and just smiled. i knew it was time to take care of myself. so i went to whole foods, grabbed some grub, went home and cooked myself dinner, lit some incense, listened to some music. thereafter i ended up finishing the big project a full day earlier than expected. and anyway, i just felt good. taking care of myself. that's what i think of when i hear your friend's fun journey dating herself.
so in response to your question-- from what i gather i sort of agree with you, but really i am excited anytime someone is actually taking care of herself or himself. if ya think about it, there's a really disheartening lack of that, just taking care of oneself. everything is frantic. ahh, makes me think of one of my dreams from this morning. i was in a super busy place and there was a panda-koala on the loose we had to find, and when i saw the panda everyone started storming towards it, screaming. naturally the panda was frightened. i kept trying to stop them -- little kids (my brothers were among them), cops (svu squad among them), friends, other adults (my father was there), all sorts of folk -- and finally shouted them into stilled silence. then another one here or there would try and storm in to grab the panda -- as though that was my plan. by the time i finally had most people cooperating i woke up, but i think that sort of panda-monium is the way too many of us too frequently treat ourselves. it's just a mad dash. meanwhile i just wanted to quietly and caringly offer the panda-koala a leafy twig, maybe some eucalyptus. no ruse, no scheme-- just taking care.
that it's nice to sit
my day has been really great so far because of it.
One of those weeks
when real and exists and dissolving is all tested. I am sitting and sitting, trying to stay centered. My dog is in terrible shape. I visited my parents and my father told me that he is just waiting to die. ( he has been more or less like this for much of his life). My mom is in denial about my dad's state of mind and health ( he is 90 years old). But she thinks he should be able to live ten more years. The family of one of my resident - four fueding sisters sent me all the emails going back and forth in which they accuse one another of horrible things. At least, I was able to deal with that effectively by telling them I do not want any part of it. My main concern is the well being of their dad and to keep negativity out of my life and out of the life at everyone at Thetford.
There are other things that I can't really discuss here that took me once again, to the edge of my compassion. Each time this happens I just feel such a wound in my soul afterwards. I know how out of balance I am. And so I sit and sit. I remind myself what a gift it is to be alive and try to have faith that at some point I won't need to be reminded, because I will just know it so completely that no matter what happens I will not forget. I will not doubt.
So today, when I felt myself sinking, I stood outside by my little pond and watched the goldfish swim, studied the tadpole sucking algae off the rim of a plant, and everything felt in balance. The ferns are going crazy.
When will it stop being such hard work?
Emily's pond sounds delightful.
If only I could float around in a little habitat designed especially for me and nibble at algae all day as I wait to turn into a frog! I don't have an answer to your question, Em, but you sound like you know what you need to do for yourself. You can't take everyone's stuff with you.
I have a lot of that negativity crap with people in my job as well. I'm just trying to make their lives better and easier and sometimes I feel like they're doing their best to make things worse. The inability to get along with each other, in the case of the tenants I'm hoping to help become a coop, is destroying them from within. Without an evil landlord to focus on and blame for everything, they do it to each other. A lot of it seems to be based on an inability to confront people directly and resolve conflict. People hold onto grudges for decades. They screw themselves over by being pigheaded and refusing to come to meetings that will benefit them because "she's there and I don't want problems". Who am I to judge? I don't have to live next door to a drug dealing maniac (well, I kind of do, but the ones in my building don't bother me). But seriously, the neurosis is deep and wide and I know a lot of it is a result of poverty and desperation and all their histories, but I lose my patience. I really do. Lately though, for some strange reason, I am caring a little less. I'm not sure why. Perhaps I haven't had to deal with it as intensely, but I'm also trying to detach a little and not take things on. compassion, compassion, compassion. and I thank the universe that I am healthy and alive, and as horrible as this sounds, my life is not as messed up as theirs seem to be. we'll see if that works for much longer.
letting go
little by little
first I had to let go of the fantasy
of sexual gratification
and some really pumped up
and explicit descriptions of how amazing that sex would be
and then I had to let go of the desire to heal
this person
with the pumped up intimacy-blockers
and all the reasons why I understand those blocks are in place
because I see them and understand them and want to heal them
ohhhh..... GOD do I want to heal this person!
but I'm still attached, I feel it
like an energy that sits with me day and night
right on my chest
I've been short-breathing, not getting "into" sivasana deeply
been plagued by this energy
and I don't want to let it go
not yet
I feel it's asking me to understand it
My desire to understand sometimes is stronger
than my instinct for self-preservation.
And you know what?
I'm grateful for my desire and faith.
I trust it deeply.
That it is leading me to understand something
essential, something that I cannot penetrate
with thought alone.
But I need language to penetrate
and that is why I write.
If you knew... if you knew...
what I've been faced with.
If you knew what demons I've seen.
How I've seen their tether to reality
as borne upon the wings of necessity
out of struggle to cope with extreme
trauma.
Who cannot, upon seeing this, have
compassion and cry and cry and cry
for all the victims of violence?
And for the arbiters of violence
who are victims themselves?
why can't I write?
Why can't I write about the experience I've been having lately?
Why can't I share with my friends the pulsating and urgent need
that I feel around this person, this object of my attention?
It feels too deep.
Ok, I'll say this.
I've been dancing around and flirting with someone
(UPS -- remember?)
with whom I've been having daily conversations and
interactions, as well as two dates and a sit in the park,
and a play of sexual intimacy in an elevator,
and oh, he's been in my dreams, but what's important is his trauma.
What i sense is his trauma
and my own, as I go trying to get closer to this guy.
Make him real. Make him real.
I cannot tell you.
I cannot tell you of the things he's told me.
Language does not go there for me yet he told
me in plain language of the things he's experienced and
had to face.
And what he's done.
I am afraid for you all to see how I love him.
How I am capable of forgiving him and those who have harmed him.
I keep adjusting to ways to stay close to this person.
Despite the signs that should keep me away.
I read the signs as indicators of his trauma.
And am learning of how he's had to deal with this.
I am almost willing to love him more than I love all of you.
And lose myself.
There is no sense or language in this.
Except that I keep myself aligned with what is of value to me:
my friends, my father, my work, and the whole of what is precious in life, the precious living, the precious innocence, that was taken from him.
And perhaps from me, too.
but I must define a boundary of difference.
I have not been hurt as he has.
I am not capable of handling the entirety of his pain.
And so I feel shame.
And shame is the name of this relationship,
when it is not "friendship" which I focus on and which keeps me afloat
all days.
Make him real, make him real.
I'll tell you this: he's never killed a man.
Or a woman.
Don't worry, please. I just need
a witness.
Cat, a question
is your friend working on healing himself. Does he see and know what you see and feel about him? Does he have insight?
I think of you as having so much love to give and wanting to help heal people. But you know, I know, that people have to heal themselves and be willing to do whatever it takes to bring themselves to that path and stay on it. That's why I am asking.
Cat, your last two posts are
Cat, your last two posts are amazing. I can see you are really struggling with this, but you are also swimming in it. And you are not sinking. You are doing your best to process and stay afloat and get to a better place. Whatever happens, you will be better and stronger because of the knowledge you will have learned and the awareness grasped. Though you say you are struggling writing about it, these posts speak to the contrary; they reveal an incredible depth of ideas, pieces that you are working hard to put together into something to learn from. Not to make light of your situation, but go kick that trauma in the ASS!
Making him real
I am sensing his reality.
We went on a date tonight
and I felt much calmer and relaxed with him
than I've ever been.
Though the boundary of our languages and our experiences
is so clear and I am aware that he may, will, not ever be able to see
me for who I am. I look into that mirror. I do see myself. I am not
not present, but very present. He finds me "always deep". He says, "isn't there anytime you aren't so 'deep'"? And I say "That's your word, 'Deep.'"
"So what's your word" he asks, because this is already known that we use different language (coming from different depth). I say, "'Presence. I would say I am present.'"
He says, "I was telling my guy friends, 'This yoga lady, she's nuts! (He had to assure me this was in a 'good way' - 'cause I got really annoyed by that word). She thinks every word has meaning!" LOL!!!
I said that every word does have meaning because it comes out of some feeling, some state of being, but that doesn't mean I don't recognize when words are meant jokingly or in a light way.
We played sudoku. I think it calmed us both down because he could see that I can engage in something that isn't "deep".
This is all so weird. But I do like him. And he is becoming more real to me and more safe. I know I can trust him, and that's huge for me.
Hey Cat
I am really enjoying your stories about your UPS guy. I have sometimes wondered about men that I had aborted relationships with because we were so different culturally and it seemed at the time, too much of a bridge to cross. So I am so interested in where this relationship takes you and what discoveries you will make.
And thanks to everyone for your thoughts. I went out last night to a porch party down the street, drank a few beers, and everyone toasted Strider several times. I stayed busy all day, gardening. I realized that for the first time in a long, long time, my plants and flowers will not be peed on or trampled and no poop to pick up. I miss my dear friend, but realized that he hadn't been himself for sometime. I know it was the right thing to do.
Well, hopefully we will be sitting tomorrow morning together. I will think of all you.
Hey Nico
Thank you so much for this reflection of my integrity and struggle!!!
I am feeling better though still feel like there's a big distracting thing in my way keeping me from settling and being present. It's really annoying because I realize that I've been pretty present for a while and so to not be present, there is a presence which feels this non-presence very keenly.
Maybe this experience will make me even more present (diaphanous) when I let it go (or move through it and let it go). I am clear that this experience is about letting go! That is certain.
Something about affirming certain needs over other desires, building a real home out of my needs and through language, setting the foundation, designing the structure that will allow me to LIVE IN the life and world I sense is more real (and being more real, it feels more safe) and give space for sitting and my community and loves and yes a deeper intimate love which may or may not ever involve a romantic partner.
But I can't let go now. I am too addicted to the fantasy of this guy delivering me that package!
It's a force, man.
Yesterday I told him I didn't want to have sex with him. My reasons were that if we have sex it perpetuates a tendency we both have to not ask to get our needs met. But in the course of talking with him without shame about my needs (e.g. for the man to focus on the relationship to allow it to really give him and me something of value, e.g. commitment), he was able to see right through me that I still wanted and would have sex with him! He totally got me to change my mind again. I let him. Damnit! (We still haven't had sex by the way, so it's interesting to me all the conversations that have emerged since our first getting to know one another, untainted by the question of whether or not my current needs are coming out of a desire to re-appropriate the c--k).
One cool thing is that my motivation to heal this guy has shifted! Yay!!
It has lifted to a less urgent place. I don't see him needing the recognition, etc, that I had projected into him. This doesn't mean that i don't expect that that need is part of his basic set of needs, on the contrary! It means I don't feel I'm having that strong transference right now of me or my father into him. Cool.
It means that I am also seeing him more for the man, for who he is, taking him more at face value. I am listening of course, and knowing what i know (about his trauma and personality structures), I am highly sensitive which is apparently gaining me some trust. Which means he softens a little which means he trusts me a little more and opens a little which means i feel myself more and feel my beloved healing energy (life energy) more working here with us.
It's so cool to finally be able to share some of this on the blog. I will try to keep process with you all to seek language to understand what I'm strugling with and experiencing. it is ultimately very cool, very very deep, though also difficult (because of the shame).
Have to head down to VA.
Big hug to all of you!
Love,
Cat
ps. Another hug to Em, Arn, No and Anya.
having your teeth yanked out
hey there Cat. so what kinda Cat are ya? sometimes you remind me of my super-cool Abyssinian named Habib (though when he's not being supercool he's a total bully), but then again, every once in a while you remind me of my Sphynx Chella, you know, the hairless cat-- although this one has grown fur (go figure). He's a sweetheart, though a bit jittery. When he's in the mood for company he'll warm you right up and give you a massage with his loud purring; but when he's not in the mood -- swoosh! -- he's out of the room with a THUD. or are you one of the big wild cats, stalking prey? or perhaps the prey, as well, both lioness and gazelle, depending on the day...
as you know, i've had many teeth yanked out of my mouth. four-at-a-time once, when i was twelve or so (all four baby kanine teeth -- but it didn't hurt, they pumped me up with laughing gas and i had me a good trip). though, of course, i've only had teeth pulled out to make room for more teeth. since all that, and braces and whatnot, my teeth basically leave the rest of my mouth intact. i used to chomp myself up pretty bad -- always a cut here, a bruise there, pain for this reason or that. but, you know, it's an interesting thing about pain. take the operations, for example. four teeth taken outta my mouth with basically a pair of pliers -- felt great, i had a lovely time floating in my seat feeling now pressure, now release. but what my mouth was like "naturally" was constant pain. of course the pleasure during the pulling was a hallucination, or at least a distortion. but our brains can accomplish quite a lot of things, making "pain" feel pleasurable, making dreams feel "real"...
what i want to ask you about is the struggle. but i'm also not setting out to give some big ol' challenge, or anything of that sort. i just don't know where the struggle is. i know where the confidence is -- i see a lot of that. and i don't need to see the struggle (though clearly i'd like to!) -- i just want to ask you about it a little. i guess one way of saying it is, i don't wanna yank yer teeth out. but at the same time, if they're getting in the way...
ahh, i'm all about silly metaphors these days. you'll have to forgive me, i've not been writing poems or songs lately (though dreams aplenty). so indulge me. my teeth-pulling experiences were always with "baby" teeth. i don't want to be pulling "adult" teeth out. see where i'm going? it's a stretch, i know, but i've bit the bullet on this one (ow!).
okay, okay. i'll stop with the teeth. here's what i mean. you've been wanting, i think, to share with us (and perhaps just to SHARE more than you have been?) over the last week or so (i've lost track of time) -- but, like you said, you've been a bit unable to. that's cool-- i think we're all glad to give you that space and to let you share with us again (as you have) now that you're ready. what i get a sense that i'm missing out on during that time is the struggle. beforehand the struggle is expressed as a self-reflective journey, as a recognized and acknowledged transference, etc. there are layers to relationship and struggle and recognition, and all that jazz. so when it's the struggle-- the un-processed, the non-sensical, so to speak; when it's struggle without clear (perhaps reassuring) formulation -- then it's not here. i'm being unfair, of course, but cut me just a little bit of slack (please?) because i just want to ask you about it. but you don't have to tell me much; a "you don't get it" would be quite all right (if that's true); and if you prefer you can just find the right species of cat and tell us how you feel about trips to the dentist. that would be fine by me :)
Thought of all of you this morning
I set my alarm for 7:30 this morning so that I could shake off my sleep before sitting. When I sat down at 8, I had all of you in my circle of love. It was a lovely feeling.
Sitting on the go.
I sat for about ten minutes before I had to leave, but those ten minutes were wonderful and carried through (still do), helping the first part of my day to go a lot more smoothly than it would have. I gave a big mental hug to all of you guys. hope you felt it :)
love.
sitting and struggling together
I had a most powerful experience this morning sitting with all of you. I was in New Paltz, at my mother/sister's house. Nadine was with me. She had the brilliant idea of going to duck pond (hopefully she will post her gorgeous photographs) and she convinced me to wake up even earlier to hike to this special place that Om so cherishes, and which brought me to this blog pond. It was well worth the effort. The forest was brimming with Spring's awakening. We met some salamanders and other lovely creatures on the way. The streams were gushing and there were even some tiny yellow baby ducks on the pond. A shroud of mist hung on the ridge and trees above us. Nadine and I sat side by side on a little wooden bench and I went to such beautiful places.
I thought of all of you, both individually and as a whole, and all the other people I feel connected to because of Om. I feel so much gratitude and love.
I spent the rest of the weekend in this art workshop with my mother, called drawn home. I don't even know if I can write about this incredible experience yet. I need to sit with it some more to understand where it will take me. I have a lot of fear around art and creativity, yet I am very drawn to it. I get caught up in judgement and silly notions about innate talents and skills that I'm supposed to have, which prevents me from feeling free to express myself and enjoy my own creativity. I found myself in the perfect place to challenge that fear and judgement. This two day workshop was about connecting to yourself and to the mystery and beauty of life through drawing. There were live nude models and eveything, but the whole point was to let go of the prescriptions and literal interpretations and just connect to the atmosphere or feeling of the poses. The woman who was leading the workshop was most extraordinary. She is 73 years old, but she feels like a playful young child.
At the same time, you can tell that it has taken her a long time and plenty of struggle, as we seem to like to call it here, to arrive at that place of "quietness", as she calls it.
We did tons of exercises using different instruments, ranging from sponges, chalk, brushes, and feathers, as well as our hands and fingers, reeds, and even an egg. We "painted" with clay and ink. It was exhilerating and oh so difficult. How do you let go of what is known and connect to what is real?
Today, the second day, was very difficult, but I also felt like I was able to be present and feel during many of the exercises. After the morning session ended and we were breaking for lunch, my mom went through something, or I should say she was going through something all morning. She couldn't let go of the form or the literal. she started crying and was really struggling. She said she was feeling performance anxiety. The reason I am sharing this is that I felt a huge breakthrough myself in our relationship. I was able to feel total compassion for her! I didn't get annoyed or make it about me as I often do. I let her have her feelings and just listened and hugged her from time to time. Later, she was able to express more of what she was dealing with and how it connected to a major life change that she is going through right now. She was happy that she was there and that this was coming up, even though it was difficult. Good stuff! As the teacher had explained, the first day was all about plowing up the field and it is very unsettling. I definitely had some rough moments, but in the end, I did feel a deeper connection and appreciation for myself--for now at least. Now I must go to bed, all this plowing in the fields has made me very tired.
in gratitude to you all and especially to our sacred Om. happy anniversary.
Camila
happy to hear you had such a breakthrough weekend that allowed you to feel complete compassion for your mom. i know this is a big deal for you. maybe we are all like baby ducklings in way, transitioning and growing in the spring, learning to nurture ourselves, our families and friends, and embracing the same nurturance when it comes from others.
Mother-daughter relationships and father-daughter
I know that you have talked about the difficulties in your relationship with your mom. But I was struck by your post; struck by the fact that the two of you would do something so interesting and emotionall challenging together. My mother and I don't have very much in common. She loves to shop - that's her number one passion, and something that I deeply dislike.
My dad is 90 years old. He is not in great shape, in some pain, really slowing down. What is happening is the beginning/middle of his decline. He actually says, he is waiting to die. He is very hard to make contact with. So, I was thinking that I needed to say some things to him to make certain that I would not have any regrets later on. So, I wrote him an email. I told him how much I appreciated all that he gave to me and my children and that I knew he loved me unconditionally. His love was something that I was able to build upon and pass onto my own family. I thanked him for giving me my love of reading and through that love it was passed on to his grandchildren.
I received an email in return. He thanked me for my "kind words." Then he said,"My feelings for my daughters, their spouses, and children are too deep to express in words." Yes, I believe that. But through the years when I have tried to share myself and hoped that he would share himself, I usually get a response like this. Or else, he tells me that is bored with life, tired and waiting. It makes me so sad. Not so much for myself. But for the feelings and lonliness that he has never been able to express. He is such an intelligent man who gave up on life a very long time ago.
I picked up Strider's ashes today. It is an odd feeling. I don't think I will open the box for a long time. But when I do, I am going to take his ashes to all the places he loved. Some will go to our place in West Virginia, some in the garden here, and some in Rock Creek Park where he spent most of his life swimming, and losing kongs and tennis balls.
And, today the weather is glorious. The fish are swimming. I celebrate the beauty of what is right here. I am not depressed by all that is happening right now. I am sad. And I am thankful to understand the difference.
Em
i am touched by your sharing of your email to your father and his to you.
That he is a man of few words, or that he cannot express his feelings to you. But that you feel them. And compassion holds the whole.
I used to cry and cry when I would get calls from my father in which I sought relationship and connection and he wasn't able to respond in kind. When his illness was at peak and he wasn't getting the care he now has from me and my sister, when he was alone and living in his (our) disease (Huntington's) and once he called 14 times and left 14 messages, all of them sort of crazy, repeating things, it just threw me through such intense feelings of loss. that was about 7 years ago.
I came around, through therapy, into accepting my feelings of loss and anger towards him and then more loss. I went through the gamut of feelings that i needed to feel and needed someone to witness and hold, and he wasn't the one capable of holding, and then finally I was able to turn to him with the appropriate understanding of his limitations to love him as he really needed to be loved and I wasn't looking anymore for recognition from him.
Now I feel his trust in me and my sister. Just this past weekend he said, "i am a very fortunate man... to have two daughters who take care of me as you both do." This was totally unsolicited. It felt amazing, not because i didn't already feel that he felt that but that he could share that feeling and knew that I knew.
I asked him this weekend, at a very choice moment, "Dad, do you feel that you can trust Anne and me to take care of you through the rest of what is going to come up?" (As I asked him this I envisioned the future as I've seen it on some videos provided through the Huntington's care-givers people... that is, that he will lose the ability to speak, as it will become too hard for him to aspirate the breath over the vocal chords, and he will need assistance in eating, and we'll be in a position to choose the right care for him and all that, and he'll probably be in a hospital, relying on special care, probably totally dependent upon others' hands to help him up and down and into whatever position his body needs, and I knew I'd be looking into those same eyes that one day will only have those windows to communicate by) and he said, looking me straight and long in the eyes, "Yes, I do."
It was a very important moment for us. Because even if we don't explore fully in language what that trust means, we both know that each other knows that the other knows that the trust is there.
So I am touched very deeply by your communication with your dad, Emily, because even if he cannot say what he feels, you are turned towards him and your openness to what he is able to give and really bringing that in and feeling it, not for what is lacking but for what is there he will feel that too and does and I know that means so much to him.
quickie
as i told emily earlier, i've been having a busy few days. i just handed in my final final paper a short while ago, and tonight i've got to study for tomorrow's exam. then i'm free! it helps when i like a class, but the exam tomorrow is for a big ol' disappointment. very frustrating. by the way, i once again want a typewriter, but this time i want one that works. all the typewriters i've used over the years have been totally out-of-order. jamming and smudging i expect, but come on, at least something with basic typing functionality.
but anyway, now that i've finally read these few posts (camila's, emily's, caterina's) i can toss out a quick: whoa! hey now! beautiful stuff, truly. i'm inspired by all of you and am looking forward to seeing my family soon and bringing all of your strength and wisdom within me.
nic o lime
quack, quack. you're a duck.
I would like to think that what we are doing here is all those things you describe. I certainly feel nurtured and hope that others feel that from me. I have felt a shift in myself since I have started writing with you all. What about you? Also, thank you for recognizing the importance of what I shared about my mom.
How is everyone?
I keep checking back to see if anyone is visiting, but alas, it's only me here and Mr. Plumbean, who took a bite out of my finger today when I tried to put him back in his cage. Such a bad bird.
busybusy
hey emily! i'm looking forward to getting back here in a day or two. i've been having a busy week. take today for example -- its 12pm and i've got a paper due at 4pm that i'm still only about 5/8 done with! usually i'm a bit more on top of things come the end of the semester, but it's been a weird few months :P see ya soon.
Camila Quack
sorry it took so long to write, work has been crazy busy and some type of allergic reactions to pollen has me feeling congested and under slept. but those sound like excuses, don't they?
but the spring is well worth any allergy i might get. i had this plan of going out to a cafe this morning and doing some writing. this has been my plan all week. but there is just not enough time to get there, write, come back, go workout, and then rush to work. and i was not feeling the inspiration in my apartment. so this morning i made myself comfortable on the floor, leaning on the couch, and i openned the large window to the back alley in the back. the fresh rain breeze with the smell of wet earth moved in with the sounds of the new leaves from the rustling trees at the end. and i looked through the window at the lush green, the new green in between the cream colored alley walls and i was happy to be sitting on the floor writing.
it definitely feels like you have shifted some and i am glad that you have. and you ask if i have shifted and i don't know what to say? i feel some change has happened, and i feel in a better place, but peace of mind for me is much harder to achieve. but so far, i like the road i am travelling and that's all i can say for now. thanks for asking.
beautiful Nicoleto
I love this post. I can imagine you sitting there on your living room floor and the feeling of peace and aliveness that seemed to envelope you. I love when that happens!
I think that when we start attuning to ourselves in the way so many of here seem to be doing, those moments become closer and closer to one another, until, perhaps, they are just one.
did you feel differently about what you were writing?
Thanks, Camila! I hope you
Thanks, Camila! I hope you had one of these moments today!
I felt at peace because I was channeling my energy into a vehicle of expression.
nico
I like the image of the baby ducks.
What if we are both the soft baby yellow ducks floating innocent on this water and learning how to swim and dive and following each other like magnets through the tiny waves we create with our feet, and what if we are also, simultaneously, the parent ducks, noticing and caring for our creations, out of tenderness and desire to care for what is inherently of value to us?
what is inherently of value to you?
I have been thinking a lot of what is of value to me.
I have been for some time, for years, contemplating this and have been giving more time for those things that i want in my life, for the relationships that seem to give me the most support, and at the same time allow me to explore what is a new struggle for me and is always, in essence, a necessary struggle. i want to grow and challenge myself and feel that I am not hiding from my desire. I don't conform to expectations of me of any kind, though my friends may reflect back to me certain criterion based on what they value and feel in their honesty (which I depend on and cherish) and in that reflection I find my way, between the risk and the certain, between what the opening to grow and the the challenges that come up and the support of friendship that might challenge also how I am asking or not asking certain questions.
I love this support. Do you have friends that support you in this way?
I know that if and when i fall they'll be there, and if I triumph, they'll be there too. But it will always come back to this process, this dialogue, that allows us to integrate our new experiences with our wisdom.
And so I feel safe to experiment and have experiences that open me and challenge me.
:)
cat call
hey, cat, i see you are back on the blog more often now. i have been lurking but not contributing much. funny thing, i totally missed om's call to party with him on his birthday. i read the post but the message didn't register. must have got my signals crossed - i'll blame it on my mild dyslexia.
above you asked "what is inherently of value to" me? good question, and i have to think about it. currently my independence is of value. so is my journey and the develpment of language and feeling that this blog is a part of. i look back on the choices i have made and i see that though i am not constantly aware of these values, i see the choices i make are driven by them in a subconscious way. which is not always a good thing, because i tend to lose myself trying to get there in a subconscious way. i don't know if it makes sense? but it is all tied up in this theme of expression and creation of an independent voice and self.
"do you have friends that support you in this way?" was your next question. i have to say i have some. but it is not something i do naturally. i have to force myself to process heavily. i have the friends in this blog. i have some friends outside the blog that i can do this with. but my biggest obstacle is letting go of the fear of being judged.
i hope this helps some. thanks for asking me such great questions that force me to process and think, stay aware. how about you, how's your process going?
Nico Nico
Hey Nico!
Cool response! I am so psyched that my questions inspired you. I know you think a lot about things, are highly introspective, and so it is always such a treasure to peer into some of those reflections of yours as they have been elaborated through such a considerate mind.
Man, I know the fear of being judged. That is one of my main fears that keeps me from truly opening up. Under that, I feel, is the fear that I'll lose the relationship, that the person will reject me, because they don't understand me.
An example of this is the relationship I am currently working in/on. I have worked very hard to let this person feel me feeling them and not judging them. Since I tend not to "judge" per se but sometimes will have a strong response, I have had to shore that response so as not to have the person interpret it as "judging". It has worked pretty well. I've been focusing on listening to what the person is saying under the stuff that causes my reaction.
In the big scheme of this processing i've been doing (which largely revolves around this relationship right now, but also everything else in my life) I am feeling very positive, trusting in my energy, trusting in myself. I am learning how not to react out of fear or anxiety in the typical ways I have done before. Tony (UPS) and i have been spending more and more time together (during the work days, this means at his truck or in it as I got the privilege today). He is trusting me more. We are getting closer.
I don't know where this is going. I can see that the main ingredient is trust. I don't know how to be totally honest with him about my intention, nor do I know fully what my intention is. But I am learning how to gain his trust and get closer, that is important to me. If my intention is ultimately to cultivate intimacy with this person, I do know that we have a LOT of work to do and sooner or later, if it really gets real, he'll have to face his trauma as trauma. I know what it is, at least the main component. He doesn't yet think of it as trauma. That already is going to be a hard passage.
I know that I am willing to parent for a while but that i don't want to ultimately be the parent in this relationship. I have to be able to let go sometimes too and know that he'll be able to catch me when I fall.
I think about who I'll need close when my father is dying. That's the person I want to be and the people I want near.
But we're at the very beginning. Already this guy has inspired in me a powerful desire to be healthy and whole. I know I may be using him to inspire me in this way. It's like Emily noticed, I use relationships to heal a part of me, to make me whole. Yeah, it's like that.
I was thinking today that I don't know how else to imagine relationship with a man except that we come together to heal each other.
And in finding the language and using it perhaps we create a vehicle that can sustain our continual growth.
I'm not saying this will happen with Tony. There's so much material there that I cannot deal with alone. He'll need therapy. He needs it. But maybe he wont go for it in this lifetime. But I would do everything in my power to get him and me continually as close to health as possible from where we are in each moment as we are.
I think i've wanted something and someone to feel passionately about helping, who stirs in me that healing attention, which he does and which I feel with him.
In other aspects of my life, I feel totally in love. I am in love with my friends and my work, with yoga and the blog, and my cat, my dad my family, my mom, my sis, our lives. I am in love! With the people on the train. With the spring. With rain. I feel very alive but also like I'm moving through something big, a big fat juicy illusion that I'll get through and learn even more.
Feels like there's no where to go but to the ground, to letting go.
We return always to embrace that which we run from.
How about you? What are you running from and what are you running towards right now?
Cat, it’s great that
Cat, it’s great that you are working on all these things with, Toni. Whatever you do, you are pushing up against the resistance that is hindering you. Have you thought of sharing the blog with him?
You ask me what I am running from and to, and the answer right now is anger and sadness. I find myself wanting to dissociate from it and at different moments I find my awareness will not let me dissociate from it either! This past weekend, mother’s day, was all about anger towards my mom! I know this sounds like mama bashing to some, especially when my friends hear me rail against her, but at the same time they didn’t have to grow up with her and they don’t have to deal with her now.
So yesterday, I spent it at my parents. I got my mom a card, some cash and flowers, and lately I have found her more pleasant and loving. But yesterday she was not any of those things. As we sat down to eat, my father, sister and me, my mom went to check on my bed-ridden grandmother in her room (let me say, that my parents take care of my father’s mother, who is half-deaf, half-blind, losing her memory, and very weak so she can’t move much, so she stays in bed most of the time). As we all wait for my mom to come back to the table so we can begin to eat, we hear her talking loudly to my grandmother. It borders on screaming, but hey, my grandmother is half-deaf, so you have to get loud to communicate with her. But there is an edge to my mom’s loud talk. But my mom was annoyed that my grandmother had spilled some food, which happens all the time and is not unusual for a 90 year old woman that has motor-skill problems. But my mom decides to make a big issue of this. She is screaming, talking down to her, telling her how to use her hands better, how to sit up better and on and on. Now we are all just sitting at the table listening to this and we know there is nothing to do unless we really want to get into a fight with my mom. So since this is her mother’s day (and we also celebrating her birthday because it is on May 15) we choose not to confront her. But I really wanted her to stop screaming, I really wanted her to realize the moment she was ruining because of her outburst. And the fact that she couldn’t, really made me mad.
It made me mad because it reminded me of all the times she would do the same to me and my sister when we were young. It reminded me of all the occasions she ruined because of her selfish outbursts. I also realized that she is a very fragile bully, who only picks on people who can’t defend themselves, like my grandmother and like me when I was a kid. Now, if I say two words to her, she will break down and start to cry (which would cause all types of guilt in me).
When she finally came back to the dinner table, I felt nothing but contempt and disgust towards her. I felt no compassion whatsoever. I wanted to get away from because part of me wanted to punch her in the head for being such a bully, for being so selfish and self-absorbed that she couldn’t see the damage she was doing. At the same time, I felt angry at my father for not confronting her, for not protecting us, all those years ago, from her tantrums. And I lost all respect for him at that moment. I wanted to be anywhere but there. All the love and care my parents tried to give me yesterday, I wanted nothing of it.
I will soften some later on, but for now I just want to sit with my anger. Also, I am pondering if I should confront my mother more directly? If I should challenge her even if she breaks down and starts crying? I have to be fair, she is taking care of her invalid mother in law. But the bullying pattern that I see, I have seen before with me.
Anyway, that was my mother's day. Hope your's was better.
Nico
Wow, Nico, I can totally feel and relate to your anger at your mother's behavior yesterday. At least I can relate in terms of how that situation would have brought up annoyance for me too, but that it brought up all the memories of how she used to bully you as a kid akes sense that it would strike a chord that carries with it exactly what you are feeling. What is so beautiful is that you are aware of your feelings and want to sit with them.
My sense about confronting someone is usually (but this is just me) to wait until I know I can come from a place of compassion, perhaps ease, or at least that I feel I can do so without too much fear (under the anger is fear, right?) You're doing the work just by being aware and sitting and these will move you more and more in the direction of freedom ultimately.
Maybe you don't need to confront her right now. Just notice the feelings. Doesn't sounds like she can handle confrontation anyway, but maybe someday there will be an opportunity that you'll recognize is the right one. Or maybe it will come through a different channel, not through direct confrontation but through recognition. When you get under the anger and the fear recognition will come naturally. Your softening will open doors.
Tony doesn't do email as far as i know so no blog has been mentioned. :)
I had a really intense discovery tonight (which hasn't been far from my consciousness this whole time but is becoming more felt and recognizable) and tonight it was through the help of my friend Camila's questions, that this relationship with T is bringing up my experience of early childhood sexual abuse. I think it's because I sense his trauma (I know he's been abused, though he doesn't know that consciously yet) and while my attention has been focused on his trauma it's actually been bringing up my own. This is obviously an intense subject and I don't know how to go much further with it on the blog but I'll just share it because why the hell not?
it's not new for me that I know there was abuse, though it's circumstances are deeply obscure to me. But it feels like this: I love this man so much, so much and then there is an element of sadistic meanness and dissociation.
That's as far as I can go into it tonight.
I am grateful for this opportunity to feel the feelings and bring up the feelings and observe them and my behavior (including fantasies and whatnot) around this current relationship.
I am so grateful that I am in a place now to be able to handle them with total love and compassion.
I feel so loved too by my friends, myself and all of you.
I know i am safe now.
Cat call 2
Like my situation with my mom, your relationship with Toni is allowing you to address some tough things in your life. And I think the greatest part of your experience is your ability to feel safe and feel loved. And I think your awareness of it can only free you from the suffering it causes.
It is a cool idea to think that Toni is giving you this wonderful opportunity to explore your sexual abuse, and, that at the same time, you are giving him the opportunity to address his trauma, eventhough he doesn't seem to be consciously aware of it. Though subconsciously you are probably shaking his foundations.
If you feel like going deeper into this, I am vexed when you write: "I love this man so much, so much and then there is an element of sadistic meanness and dissociation."
How does this work?
OKAY NICO, YOU'RE SHOWING THESE GUYS
how to show up and change that male pattern of withdrawal. The girls are going to eat you up, but this time you're going to love it, you're going to open wide those burly biker arms of yours and let those girls eat your heart out. Yeah, that's it. They're hungry for guys showing up. Right Caterina and Camila? You will receive for your courage the love and nourishment you deserve, my friend. Open wide Chico Nico, I'm coming in too and will tickle that rage right out of your heart. Hey Nico, look, there's Emily flying, hop on her wing; don't worry, it's only flight.
who me?
I hate it when Nico is so open, insightful and in touch with himself and others. It pisses me off really. It makes me so furious I want to squeeze him to death!
I'll give you a squeeze,
I'll give you a squeeze, Camila!
Om, your description of
Om, your description of nourishment sounds disgusting and smothering (yes, there's that word again, Camila!). Keep it away from me, especially of you are going to tickle.
uncle jack
Geez, when I tap into this one it brings up so much pain for me for the loss of this relationship, and or the multiple losses I felt within it.
When my parents separated, my mom and I moved to a townhouse apartment in a neighboring town. My mom's brother Jack came to live with us and he, with his natural interests in children, and gregarious nature, filled our new little life with a lot of fun energy. But he was unpredictable. He was there, wasn't there, had numerous girlfriends that meant he wasn't there when he was. Attachment to him didn't grow so strong until we (all three) moved to Maine and he become like the fathering figure in our new household.
He had the downstairs room that led to the front door as his bedroom. A huge waterbed I used to jump on. he worked marketry as a hobby, made these beautiful delicate masterpieces of ships out of tiny strands of wood. I think he found a job as a carpenter. He drank a lot, was certainly an alcoholic. Made my mom laugh. Would be there when I came home from school and would make me brush my hair before any snack or tv. He was big into discipline.
He's the one I feel I loved so much, so much. I don't know where the sadistic feel comes in, but I've seen it later, as an adult and vaguely recognized it as familiar to a kind of behavior I was accustomed to with him around as a kid. he'd tease me even after I told him to stop. he was simply unpredictable. i think I was looking for warmth, would get it and then it would be unavailable. I don't know how to equate this with abuse. I don't know what if anything happened that made me feel unsafe.
I'm going to continue a new strand somewhere.
This is too long
mistake
dont' read this!
Oops! You read it.
Ok, so I'll say...
we are all one in the radiant heart!
your growth is mine!
I have so much gratitude for you all!!
Cat
thank you so much for sharing the story about your dad and his disease. I had to literally stop for a moment and catch my breath. I had no idea what you were faced with. I am so amazed by how you, and others here, slowly peel back the layers, share more and more, and as a result, I continue to grow and evaluate my own perceptions and assumptions I make about the "lives of others." And, I am glad in some ways that we have talked here for so long before you described the situation ( this is really me talking about myself, I think) because it is so easy for me to focus on the most obvious challenge that people face in their lives without seeing that it is just a part of a larger, more complete and complex context. Yet, the sharing you did, allows me to reflect on everything that I know about you so far. The picture continutes to deepen.
Very few of the people in my life, except the few I hold dearest, know in any detail what I go through when Arnold has a low. Between the time I discover him and the time he returns to himself, there is often violence - him towards everything around him, a need for me to protect him physically from moving around and falling down stairs, protecting myself from his violence, trying to inject him, get juice in him; once he begins to come to he has no memory of anything that has occured, so he is angry with me because he doesn't believe he needs help, or he laughs at me for being crazy. It takes a while for us to be standing in the same world again. I know that this is not him, it is the brain empty of food, but afterwards when it is over, he has no clue as to what happened to me. I feel very stressed and alone. He feels terrible. It is so much a part of life - it is what it is - and even when I have had a particularly traumatizing experience I don't share it casually. Perhaps I am afraid that others will dwell on it and I will get swept up in looking at it under a microscrope and begin to feel that it dominates my life. It is a part of my life. It is huge when it happens but once it is over, it is gone.
The few posts that I sent when I felt that I hated myself and lost my humanity had to do with those experiences. Arnold had several lows in one week - and I literally lost myself, was full of rage, full of hated, and I could see how caregivers lose it - I saw, what could happen, in a moment of letting all those feeling dominate. I could see myself toppling over the edge, lifting a knife and in a fit of maddness hurting or killing him. I know that I would never go that far, but I saw myself going that far. The last time is happened, it was in the middle of the night ( the third time in a week) I had hit him. He doesn't remember, but the feeling of that smack on my hand, still hasn't quite left me. That is abuse. There is no other name for it. Because of this, I have been very very inward, sitting, and finding my balance again. I haven't shared it, although I have talked to Arn about it. I didn't want to hear the stock reply that it is understandable, given that I was exhausted from all that happened. It's not what I need to hear. The fact that I saw myself stripped of all compassion left a wound It feels very deep and raw. It challenges my sense of self. I am sure that as I continue to sit with this the lesson that I need to learn will be there waiting for me. I
I know that I veered off from your post. But your sharing seemed to open a door that I felt I could go through. I have been suffering a great deal with this. Intellectualizing it does not make it go away. It has to do with finding compassion towards myself. But I will say that experience spurred me to increase my sitting practice. It is the one thing that brings me home.
Emily
wow. I just read your post and am filled with compassion for you! I won't give you any stock responses, but I just wanted to say that the fact that you are now able to share what has been happening and what you have been feeling tells me that you are moving through it or that something has shifted for you. I am happy that you are able to write about it and that Caterina's sharing has helped that along in some way. Also, you seem to be doing what you need to do for yourself by sitting, going inside, and allowing things to come up instead of getting stuck in the shame and self hatred you described, which has in turn enabled you to invite the compassion back in.
Since Om isn't around to say it, I'll say it: sit, write and love! Om mani padme hum.
Camila, Camila
I sure do appreciate your response. It sure does help to peek outside, share, and then travel back in. I am not sure what else I need to be doing, if anything, and so I sit, write and love. I think that losing Strider just added to the emotional twirling, although I must admit there are things I am enjoying about being dogless. No poop. No tripping me on the stairs. No nose in the grocery back as I am trying to unload it. And no middle of the night scratching at the door to go out. I have his ashes - haven't opened the box. But when I am ready there are places to scatter them - but I want to do it when I feel the joy pass through.
love
just to add my perspective
My illness, diabetes, is all about self management. When I screw up and have a low blood sugar experience, I feel bad, when it is over, mainly for failing. I am absent while it is happening and only have memory of the last minutes of coming to consciousness. But I can see the price that Emily pays, and she has finite resources... and this will continue. At what cost?
My mother had Multiple Sclerosis, so I have had some experience with caregiver fatigue. But it does not help me, except that I am so angry with myself for messing up and losing control. These experiences happen mostly at night during sleep. So I view bedtime with trepidation. On the up side, I am working with my doctor and making some progress with better night-time management. I am optimistic, but the truth really is that this self management is an inexact science. Now matter what I do, there will be failures.
I am always having to face those failures and their cost to my relationship with Emily. Noah and Anya, who have mainly been witnesses, have their own scars. They have not spoken much about them with me, so I can only speculate about that pain.
arnold, emily
Arnold, I can only imagine how vulnerable it must make you feel to go through the loss of consciousness like that and to depend so thoroughly on someone to take care of you. I can understand the feeling of failure in those moments too, the feeling that you lose control. it is not your fault of course and so it cannot be your failure either, since there is nothing that you can do but try to find better management as you are doing, and talking and being there to process it with Emily. I am so grateful that you have such great care and even if she hits her limits she will learn from them, absorb what she needs to to become more vigilant of what is asked of her in those times.
There have been times in the past months that I have gotten angry at my father for being irrational or unreasonable, even allowing hurt to flourish between us, storming out once from his house to go back to NYC for another month, leaving him in a feeling of great sadness and helplessness and regret. I know I hit my own limits in those times, but I always came back and always come back and find new ways to soften here and create a better boundary there, to not take his moments of mental warp personally. I have also found new ways to make our relationship less susceptible to stress (removing, for instance, the question of money from our relationship which has always been a major stress for us both; removing, for instance, the expectations that I might be able to take him out of the house). Realizing that he cannot handle certain types of thinking anymore, and cannot be there for me anymore, allowed me to forgive those moments when he pissed me off but also with that realization came an awareness that i had to let go even more.
It kind of reminds me of what it must feel like for someone who is losing their parent to Alzhiemers. We lose together with our loved one. This is why I call it "our disease" and always tell dad that too, it is ours, we're in this together.
Em, I am so touched by what you have shared about reaching your limits with Arnold. I am so touched that you shared it as well as your reasons for not wanting to share it. I know that Arnold is resilient and so are you and the wound that you felt will heal as you continue to give it and yourself and position more compassion.
em
While I responded to this post in the post Arnold, Emily, I wanted to say again that I appreciate so much what you've shared here. I have another question though. Sometimes you've referred to having created certain assumptions or a sense of who a person is or what they're like through their posts (as we all do I'm sure!). I wanted to know, if you feel like it, could you tell me what yours are of me?
I ask in all openness to you and hope you know that I know that you know that you are safe here and I wont take anything personally!
Big Hug,
cat
Cat
In answer to your quesiton about how my assumptions/perceptions about you have changed over time ( and still are evolving as our relationship to each other and to ourselves continue to be shared) has to do with a a split within you that I imagined. I have always felt that your perceptions about others are very astute as well as compassionate but wasn't certain if you were bringing the same kind of clarity when it came to your own relationships, especially with men. ( I have no doubts that you are able, but wondered whether you were). It seemed to me that you always wanted to "give something," perhaps something that the other was not in a position to receive and that you pushed the boundaries, even if you going to be hurt in the long run. I had the sense that you wanted to make others whole as a way to making yourself whole. We want to save in order to be saved as well. ( Now this could just be my autobiography) Am I seeing you or projecting onto you? Even with your newest friend, I have the sense that you are drawn to his pain and remain committed even when the signs might be there that this is a relationship that can only go so far. You want to make a difference. Does that desire become the basis of the relationship? And what do you want to discover about yourself through this relationship.
Your post about your dad and his illness filled in a huge part of the picture. I saw the rock bottom depth from where your approach to relationships might spring from. It opened up more understanding for me, more awareness of you in a larger context. Understanding motivations, not only in you, but in myself, opens doors - gives me a larger view.
Dont' know if that answers your question, but I will continue to think about it.
hey emmy, not cleaning the poo
I always felt that my experience in Rome in January had caused an interesting shift in perception ("human visitor"), like I had begun to seem something to you that was sort of like a fantasy character (and not necessarily a positive one, nor a negative one). That was my projection! I was sort of dying to understand what you thought of me, not that it would change how I relate or understand my own experience necessarily but that it might give me more insight into such unconventional behavior (as perhaps seen from "outside") can be seen by someone as sensitive and emotionally attuned as you. And as a mother. And as a mother of a 20 year old son.
Recalling the adventures with whatsisname and whasisname. Just kidding. Karel and Matt. Anyway, ...
Yes, you are projecting as that's only natural (the mind projects, necessarily, in order to make sense of what it perceives), but you are tuned into something that is truly part of my struggle (hi james) and spiritual/psychological evolutionary seeking. That is, there is a let's call it "split" and a desire for reparation. I do not inherently understand how to ask for a relationship that would be obviously good for me in any sense of the terms "good" or "obvious" except what I sense intuitively is the space in which i need to grow. In this way, sometimes men are like "objects" for me through which I hope to break through the objectification to feeling the person and feeling the relationship (which is happening now in this current one). The question always brings me back to feeling myself and seeing if I can speak my heart and needs.
I wouldn't know how to have a relationship if it were not from the desire to make whole. Somehow that desire feels like it will always be part of me, as I see in the other person so much including their desire and somewhere in the relationship the inherent desire to be whole. Always I see this. But it is not that I start from a position that the person is necessarily lacking me or needs me, though I wonder often at why we are here now together if not to discover what we can learn from each other, but it's not that cerebral for me, really. It's more like a feeling, a feeling out the unique connection.
Is there a person in the idea of me that you recognize in you?
In you I fantasize a caring and passionate woman, facing with courage many challenges that are at the heart of what most people run from or avoid (dealing with illness and death, in particular come to mind). I sometimes wonder if you judge me. I would love to explore this more with you, my own projections and yours. What fun!
Bug Hug,
Caterina
Cat
Do I judge you?
No, I don't think so. At first, before I had a chance to "see you more," I really got caught up in your relationships in Italy. I hadn't even realized that I was," as you remind me," a mother of 20 year old son, soon to be 21 and probably one some level I was thinking about that. But as soon as I realized it, it changed my perspective entirely. It had more,to do if I am honest, with seduction and sexuality, recalling myself at a younger age. While I did marry young, in the years proceeding, I was seducing men ( and young men) and being seduced for all kinds of reasons that I rationalized in my head and ended up getting hurt and doing a lot of hurting. But I was twenty then and did not have the insight or wisdom that you have already accumulated. Mostly, as I said previously I see a split within you to make other whole even it means that you are not in a relationship where you will get more of what you need to be nourished beyond that, I see your struggle to make sense of the relationships you have and the struggle to decide whether to have them and what it really means, especially in a situation where you see - or think you see the limits of possibility. Does that make sense?
But there is no judgement here. If I catch myself swimming in that place of judgement, I understand completely that it has nothing to do with you or your actions and only has to do with my judgements of myself or my fears that may arise. I see you as a beautiful woman who digs deep, who needs a partner who will challenge you and challenge you to both look deeper and to stop digging when it's time to just be. I see you as someone who could exhaust someone else in your demand for clairty as well as exhaust yourself. I see you as someone who must find a way to relax into a relationship.
Am I way off? Am I creating another character for my notebook of fiction?
I'll keep thinking about it. I'm sniffing the air.
ah Emily
I am a woman... "who digs deep, who needs a partner who will challenge you and challenge you to both look deeper and to stop digging when it's time to just be. I see you as someone who could exhaust someone else in your demand for clairty as well as exhaust yourself. I see you as someone who must find a way to relax into a relationship."
You got me. And I do love to relax into relationship. I love it. Don't know it that well but when I feel it, and it's always so close, I love it.
God, this is beautiful. i feel so recognized.
Do you wanna be my lover?
Ah Cat
Ah, Cat.
I so recognize you. I think if we got together we would be so right brain heavy (although I think you've got a lot more left brain activity than I sometimes feel I have) that we might just get lost in our image making and loving that the nuts and bolts of life would just crumble.
More later.....
Good morning, Emily darling
I keep going back to something you said about seeing me as someone who "must find a way to relax into relationship."
I keep circling with this because i can't tell if you are saying, "Hey, listen, you need to learn to relax into relationship," or if you are saying, "You seem like someone who needs to be in a relationship she can relax into," (who doesn't?).
So my guess is that it's the first 'cause the second would be tautological.
Which makes me want to say Well, I do relax in my relationships, I love my relationships and can actually hit some pretty deep relaxation spaces with them. I am constantly with the breath...
Yum. I actually CRAVE relationships that I can relax into, and feel with most of them I can get pretty near. Though real deep intimacy is that, real deep relaaaxx, real deep, and yes, here is where your statement hits a level of truth for me that is fundamental.
Because there is a level of self-containment and consciousness that doesn't just relax. it's as though I must stay vigilant.
I do this because of the boundaries. I am afraid if I relax too much I'll lose the boundary, lose myself, and the other person will freak out and run for the hills screaming, "TURN IT OFF!!"
Or else, maybe that's just my grandiosity. :)
(Peppered with experience).
Anyway, I am so fascinated by this query into relaxing into relationship.
I want to open this question to everyone, maybe I'll do it in a different post!
Love you!
Cat
(I am both very left and right brain... can switch between... we can go wherever you want... I will go with you. :)
Sitting next to Camila
I didn’t have to use much of my charms and spells to convince Camila to hike up to Duck pond with me at 7.30 in the morning, a cup of coffee and her care and love for Om were enough to get her to hike up the mountain through the most beautiful spring forest. The leaves had just all emerged and were so soft and smooth and bright green.
I was so happy and grateful to be sitting next to Camila to celebrate Om’s anniversary. I felt this great joy during our sitting, there was a lot of light - I was wondering if the sun had come out ;) At one point, I saw Om and a few of this blog community as well as Camila’s sister and her mother all sitting in individual water lily flowers swirling around each other on the pond.
Thanks Om for inviting us to your birthday party!
(you can click on my profile if you want to see what duck pond was like on Sunday)
tricky Nadine
you didn't tell them about the bucket of ice water you threw on me as well...
It's ok. I enjoy being provoked, like Om, but only when I feel safe, as I do with you.
Sometimes I feel like, if left to my own devices, I'd live a very mundane, unchallenged life. I wouldn't have thought of going to duck pond for instance, and probably would have been sitting groggily on the floor next to my bed, if it weren't for you, which is also fine, but not quite as invigorating or heart-touching as what we did. But, as you reminded me this weekend, it's ok to need other people in my life to push up against me or nudge me along, as the case might be. I would never had had this art workshop experience if it weren't for my mother, who is always looking for more experiences. Sometimes I get frustrated with her for that because it feels sort of hectic and overwhelming to me, but I am also grateful that she pushes me. and Em, I do appreciate her specialness and acknowledge how lucky I am to have a mother willing to challenge herself emotionally and share those feelings with me. Indeed, we both have evolved substantially over the years because of our willingness to look at ourselves deeply, which is reflected in the quality of our relationship. And in fact, despite the fact that I am more similar to my father in many ways, he has not been able to "go there" wtih me. He is emotionally absent. Even though he can cry and write beautiful poetry, he can not do the day to day or even monthly maintenance needed to keep a relationship alive. My mother might be a little too enmeshed at times, but she at least is not going anywhere and she will fight her way into my life no matter what I do or how much I may push her away at times, which is what I love her for.
beautiful photo, Nadine. If you do a search for duck pond, you can see the photo I took when I was there with you in January. what a transformation in only 4 short months!
Camila, seeing into your mother's breakthrough
I love what you describe about being able to accept your mother's experience as it was happening for her without judgment or attachment. It can't be underlined enough how important that experience is for you (I imagine, empathically) to see her as separate and to be able to identify with her struggle. I am sure that her ability to move through it in the safety and warmth that you gave her was made more easeful and swift by your presence.
But more importantly, by giving her compassion you gave yourself compassion. You could see how she was breaking through something important. And you recognized it and felt compassion! I love this!:
"The reason I am sharing this is that I felt a huge breakthrough myself in our relationship. I was able to feel total compassion for her! I didn't get annoyed or make it about me as I often do. I let her have her feelings and just listened and hugged her from time to time."
I am also so inspired by your and Nadine's meditations at the pond. And Ceili's! I felt that warm hug as I sat (later on in the day, wasn't able to make it at 8am but at 10...)
Can we do this more often?
by the way
i was totally grumpy and miserable when i sat with you guys on sunday morning. i'm glad it didn't bum the rest of you out :0
a cat struggling with her teeth
Hey James Darlin'!
I am the cat in here, cat. That's an anagram of Catherine.
Duh!
But I'd like to be a sphynx or a lynx or a shynxterlinkinnese!
I don't know what kind of cat I am, but I promise you I'd nevah cheetah on you!
LOL!!
The struggle. Great question!! Dammit.
The struggle for me is so great and varied, it depends on where I begin.
One aspect is the obvious: pursuing a relationship with a person who probably will not ever be able to see me for who I am, and not seeing me, not recognize my goodness, and so not feel safe with me (continue to project only what he has known, what has failed him). As though we were from different planets, it feels, at times. So the struggle here is the question "Why am I choosing to pursue this?" or as a friend asked me '"Why do you want to be disappointed?"
Another aspect of this struggle is that I am strongly attracted to this person nonetheless and so there is a simple and sort of fun struggle to find ways for us to get to know each other, to cultivate more trust, which seems to be happening, though I am still not certain it will gel, like we may not ever be "gellin' it" you know? Reason for this would be based upon insight or assumption in first struggle. But this second one is basically about not taking things personally, about maintaining perspective, which is like the first but more engaged directly in the relating itself.
A third aspect is that we seem to be dancing around one area of intimacy that we both sense could be fun and easier for us (though it's more complex and interesting than I've ever experienced yet with a man), which is the sexual intimacy and I cannot tell you how strong this aspect is for me. So this is a fun struggle which is about maintaining perspective and consciousness in the face of a profound pull (of kundalini type proportions) to play in that way.
This third aspect holds struggles of course within the first and second aspects and seems also to hold the most present karmic knot.
There is more that I find very compelling about this person that is hard to put into words.
He seems to be saying to me that he wants us to get to know each other, to give us time, to not rush into expectations. He values his freedom above everything else (and his mom). He is not having sex with other women and wants me to be "only with him" if we do start "having sex". I am not to take sex with him as a sign of more evolved feelings. That if we do start engaging in that play then it should be seen as just that and not significant of deeper feelings. If those come, they come on their own, through our getting to know one another.
So yeah, I actually like this and can go for this but I don't know that even if we give ourselves more time to get to know one another if he will open to my difference from him. He has, at times, intimated his desire for some of what I have to offer. When I am sensitive and reflect that I've "gotten" him, I feel him soften (as I've mentioned elsewhere).
There is another aspect of my struggle which is to accept him as he is, including the baggage that at times, I admit, is nearly overwhelming.
I also felt, the day after our last date, I had a taste left in my mouth from some of the things he had said to me and ways he had spoken to me, that he may fundamentally not like me (right now) based upon his frustration with my "depth".
I felt pretty crumby about this thought on Saturday, sat with you all on Sunday (which was marvelous) and spent the weekend with my beloved pops, giving him a mani-pedi, and talking a little about what lies ahead for us. It was a beautiful weekend, and I'm back to a place I have been back to with this guy which is about acceptance.
I was lying in supta badakonasana tonight (bound) [heels together, knees splayed out, lying on back, a strap loops around sacrum and holds heels in close to groin]. I imagined in this deeply relaxed state that he didn't like me and I thought [fucking brilliant!!] "So What? I accept that." And it was like a huge little burden lifted. It was old, like childhood old, but has run through me all my life: I want to be liked. All of the sudden I realized that he didn't have to like me. It made me feel more free and also accept whatever reaction he's having to me, that it's not about me!
I know he likes to look into the mirror of me and see that man that can make a woman feel good, makes her feel sexy, and make her laugh (he is very funny). He also has a natural propensity for discussing relationship, boundaries, desires, and all things which seem present to the evolving interaction. He wants to be appreciated in certain ways, he also throws stuff out there that would be hard for any one, man or woman, to just let slide, and yet, he wants whomever is going to get close to him to see this too. He also wants to be recognized! Yes. I know this.
He asks me questions about me, about my life, by parents, past relationships. He listens for about half a minute then finds something he likes and he's off talking about himself again. Sometimes he asks more questions. But he's not a great listener, sometimes... when it's about him... or when he's really in the mood and he's really listening and then he does listen and he's repeated things I've said to him with startling accuracy.
The "dig" the other night about being too deep, or being "nuts" I think was coming from a place of frustration, so I'm not sure what his perception of me is today. We got closer after those comments, but such things do stick in my mind. Not that I'm taking them personally, but they may be indicators of how he's experiencing me, judging me, etc.
He walks blind people across the street, carries handicapped people up and down stairs when their chairs break. He's got that presence of mind to look out for people in need. He's a pretty good judge of character. He thinks he knows everything there is to know about women. His relationships with women are highly contaminated by what sounds like them objectifying him. I think he doesn't know what it feels like to be totally accepted and yet also challenged by the other.
I don't know if he sees the other. I think at times he does try.
His ego is as thick as the globe, and he suffers from some low self-esteem. I told him the other day that through yoga he would just become more himself. He said, "if I become any more me, I wont fit through any doors."
I am learning how to listen to him, respect him, respect his limitations, and respect the ego-constructs he's managed to come up with to raise himself.
I will not stop challenging him, but there is also a light struggle in me to learn how to apply a little challenge with a lot of empathy.
"But why am I doing this?" I asked my friends tonight. They said, "you're doing this for you."
Thanks for letting me (inviting me to) share. Thank you to all of you!
here's one from joni for you cat!
It's nice to listen to the younger version from 1970 and the later version she did in 2000.
Both Sides Now
Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way
But now they only block the sun
They rain and they snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all
Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way
But now it's just another show
And you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away
I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions that I recall
I really don't know love
I really don't know love at all
Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way
Oh but now old friends they are acting strange
And they shake their heads and they tell me that I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day
I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
It's life's illusions that I recall
I really don't know life
I really don't know life at all
Hey Camila
this one is for you!
INVITATION TO MY BLOG COMMUNITY
I am inviting you to join me this Sunday at 8AM sharp, EST, wherever you will be, to celebrate and meditate with me for 15 minutes (at least :). In the meditation, I will be focusing on gratitude, love and healing for all. It would mean a great deal for you to join me, if you can. Peace, Blessings and Love to you All. Have a great week! And don't forget the blog party on Saturday, May 24!
Om Mani Padme Hum
Om
I will be with you on Sunday morning.
Have a wonderful week.
Om
shall we all Om together as well? hee, hee.
I will be there. I will also be blowing you kisses ; )
Have a wonderful week of retreat.
I will be meditating,
I will be meditating, praying, and feeling.
Om mani padme hum
I'll be with you on Sunday morning at 8am.
:)
Sitting in my dad's living room. Hopefully he'll still be asleep so I can jut sit.
But I love sitting at Dad's. There's a tranquility just being near him.
Have a beautiful trip, Om!
THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE hOMe
Riddle. What do you call ten thousand Om Mani Padme Hums on a bed of Caribbean sand?
When the veil of fear is lifted, all is revealed.
Just a quick hello. See you all soon. Thank you deeply for sitting with me last Sunday. A beautiful beginning to an extraordinary week of practice. See you soon.
Sit, Love Love Love Love
BTW, how is your sitting, James?
WHEN THE VEIL OF FEAR IS LIFTED
At midday when the sunny summer breeze
Has dried the dew and all its ropes relent,
So that in guys it gently sways at ease,
And its supporting central cedar pole,
That is its pinnacle to heavenward
And signifies the sureness of the soul,
Seems to owe naught to any single cord,
But strictly held by none, is loosely bound
By countless silken ties of love and thought
To every thing on earth the compass round,
And only by one's going slightly taut
In the capriciousness of summer air
Is of the slightlest bondage made aware.
By Robert Frost
ohgodyou justkilled me
Ombert Frosty
I'm coming back to this later
question for group
When and how do you relax in your relationships?
Why and in what circumstances do you feel you want to relax but cannot?
Have you ever felt "totally relaxed" in a relationship or with a group of people and can you describe this feeling and why you think you were able to feel this way?
What does "relax into relationship" mean to you?
ps. Emily is a GODDESS
the emptiness of song
i like the phrase "relax into relationship." i find that very very beautiful. especially because of my perhaps crude etymological understanding of 'relax', to return to looseness, ease. the 're' is lots of fun in this phrase, because i already think of relationship as a turning and returning (and re-turning). there's something about this phrase, relax into relationship -- i think it's the 'into' perhaps -- that seems to me to carry with it authenticity. to relax into relationship is to be at ease, but it is to be at ease within relationship. this is gorgeous because... relationship is hard. i think that sometimes people relax relationship... they let loose their connection and they merely turn away. relaxation as deflection, perhaps. but not here, not with this phrase -- to relax into relationship. yes, that seems to me a great gift. that is when we are looking inside each other's looking. you know, Cat and Em, i bring up that moment a lot, and the phrase has become a bit of a refrain, but i never bring it up (and especially not now) lazily or carelessly. i learned a new way of loving today, looking at you. at first it was longing, and then you turned to me, and we were looking inside each other's looking. this is to relax into relationship. we are rigorously with each other, and we are at ease. we are silent and still, and we are in vibrating commun-ication. this is what i love so much about the phrase... to relax into relationship... yes, the paradox. do you see it? yes, this is relationship. to relax into relationship. gorgeous.
i am sorry i've been a bit distant for a few days -- i've missed out on being a part of some wonderful strands of conversation, but now i can join back in :) aside from the work i've had (finally done!) i've also been feeling a bit distant from all you folks. i've felt unable to connect -- i've read and even felt inspired by quite a lot of what's been written, yet you've felt distant from me... or i from you... i look forward to exploring that more.
the other day i was speaking with an old friend. his favorite song of mine years ago was a tune called "Or Any Day." whenever we chat he brings up that song, and the other day i asked him to send it to me -- he has a recording i made years ago that i have lost or misplaced, or something. he dug up the CD and sent me the file. i was very excited. i hadn't heard this song in years and had forgotten the lyrics, the melody, the music... but all i needed was the first chord and it all came streaming back. what was odd was my experience of the person making the recording. before and after the song i spoke to my audience -- those who had asked for some tunes -- and i spoke about the song, my thoughts about it, and whatever else was on my mind. so here's the point: i didn't recognize the boy making the recording. he was a very angry, mean-spirited 15 or 16 year old kid who didn't like his voice (or his voice) yet who very much wished to connect. he was struggling, and deeply resistant and defensive; he felt very isolated and deserted. he was very angry. if i think about it i can recall that person existing, walking around, pining after his first crush, and so on. but i can't connect with him at all.
i speak about my many deaths and rebirths, i speak about being a different person and meaning it quite literally -- yet i also feel this continuity. i believe quite seriously that i am the same person and have been for the last 20.5 years. i had no idea how attached i am to this sense of continuity until i listened to this recording and suddenly -- for the very first time -- i was face-to-face with the younger James. up until this moment i had only known this person as the memory of an earlier me. suddenly i could hear the distance between us, and i felt very unsettled. though this was two nights ago, i am still celebrating.
TO LOOM AND OTHER TALES FROM THE KRYPTONITE
Here’s an excerpt from my journal I started after coming back yesterday:
I went to the beachy torquoise, salty sprays of Tulum, Mexico to renew and refuel and further investigate mind through contemplative and meditation practice (4 to 5 hours per day). In this retreat I was more interested in the narrower mechanism of mind, independent of higher conceptual thought-- the psychoanalytic or linguistic structures I have chosen to order reality in the world. To this end I brought no books or writing material and made minimal contact with others. I did not want mind to wander; as it has its own mind, it wanders enough. While idling mind still spits out images, memories and their concomitant emotions, and current thought products resulting from mind’s immediate contact with the world surround, such as, tension pushing up from the deep body, fears, desires, fantasizes, etc. My intention was to dissolve these products over a period of time through intense but effortless concentration. Nor did I have an expectation of “results,” which is another ego-driven desire for self-cherishing, independence of mind, and permanence.
Aside from Sunday morning’s meditation with everyone (I believe there were at least 30 people sitting together!), the first couple of days, as expected, mind had to shake out the accumulated “sick” energy absorbed from my work with others, and all other karmic residue. Shaking is a good descriptor, for it feels like shaking the body when stressed to experience relief and calm. Experientially though it felt like riding out a fever or even feeling a bit possessed (I love the word daemon—a spirit guide). It was very painful. Mind felt extremely vulnerable and constantly frightened. Feelings, thoughts, images, desires, regret and memory were all vibrating in a feeling of desolation. It was a kind of spiritus vertiginis without anything to cling on to. I understand this in the Christian context as similar to what St. John of the Cross called the “Dark Night of the Soul.” "If you only knew what darkness I am plunged into." It reminded me of what Tibetan’s call lung (pronounced “loong”) and it refers to mental stress from meditating. Another metaphor that I associate it with is the moment when breaking through a mental barrier as if moving through the speed of sound.
Up to this point there was no analyzing whatsoever, and after five days I experienced what might be called Samadhi. This followed a dream on my fourth night where I went back to my office and my office-mate asked why I came back from vacation so soon. I lied and said, my mother is dying and, with her arms raised and waving, she bobbed impassionately with associations to Einstein’s galaxy and spacetime and, in one stroke I awoke and looked out the window of my cabana to see the brightest object in the sky, what I think was Polaris. It was very strange, indeed and I smiled and immediately recognized my mother (really, my connection with all those souls who have passed), as I did soon after she left her body. It was a rare kind of recognition that words, like all these experiences I am attempting to describe, are utterly insufficient to convey the profundity of the experience.
My experience Wednesday night into Thursday morning is comparable to the Buddhist notion of samadhi, a high level of concentration where, for a period of time, mind becomes purified and luminous and is able to penetrate into the ultimate nature of reality. There is also a complete release from all suffering. I also experienced the union of the deepest levels of emptiness and cognizance, as remarkably illuminated in the limitless and clear night sky. In a sweep of recognition and transparency, there it was, the evolution of mind, dependent origination and the great fusion of interconnectedness through artifactual history -- from the first usage of a tool to the first utterance following thunder to extraordinary engineering and scientific feats across time to the underlying structures of quantum fields formulaically bellying up through the Hubble telescope and the mathematical language which describe them. And the words arose:
When the veil of fear is lifted, all is revealed.
At higher levels of awareness, everything is a sign, a pointer that hits up against this veil of ignorance. Ignorance is the loss of luminous cognizance caused by even subtle layers of fear. The fear, of course, is ultimately loss. Day in and day out there is an unceasing contact with the world, which leads to unending and unrelenting chatter in the guise of images and thought associations. What fuels this mental activity is emotion. Emotion is like the glue that coheres dualistic beliefs—the good/bad, right/wrong, life/death, existence/no existence, etc.
Most of this activity is unconscious but can be drawn out through a deep analytic process. When mind is sufficiently analyzed meditation practice is optimal. Still, mind is obdurate because it is conditioned to consistently crave and grasp. Our very attachment to craving and grasping is the cause of suffering. Further, the lives we ostensibly choose to live foster and strengthen this activity.
Because mind is an activity of consciousness shifting through developmental stages, we begin practice with a kind of mental capacity or worldview the logic of which is able to envision multiple perspectives among individual concepts simultaneously. Yet, this is still the conceptual mind, the mind that can intellectually describe a sunset or intimacy but not necessarily experience them in all their depth (we need emotion stirring intuition for this). The analytic process cultivates this level and is where most depth therapies end. Beyond this highest conceptual logic are the transpersonal levels in which meditation reaches its highest aim. Wilber, for example, calls these stages psychic, subtle, causal and nondual. These levels of awareness encompass aspects, “or even the whole, of humankind, life, the internal and external universe, and consciousness itself.” I like Roger Walsh’s formulation of Wilber’s stages:
"Psychic" refers to an initial transpersonal stage at which experience is still largely somatically based, such as in the experiences of kundalini energy or of the divinity of nature….By the time the subtle levels have emerged, experience is more interior and concerned with subtle experiences of light and sound (shabd and nad yoga) or archetypal imagery, for example, the shaman's power animals, the Hindu's Ishta Deva, the Christian contemplative's sacred figures. At the causal level all form and experiences drop away leaving only pure consciousness, such as the Buddhist's nirvana, the Vedantin's nirvikalpa samadhi, the Gnostic's abyss. [Franklin Merrell-Wolff’s “consciousness without an object” fits in here]. Finally, at the nondual culmination, phenomena reappear but are immediately and spontaneously recognized as projections, expressions, or manifestations of consciousness and as none other than consciousness. This is the Hindu's sahajsamadhi and Zen's "form is emptiness".”
The 10,000 om mani padme hums on a bed of Caribbean sand in my riddle reflected how I used this most divine mantra to keep mind still. Despite the pain and isolation of life, I am embodiment seeking the divine (OM), the jewel of compassion (MANI) and the lotus of wisdom (PADME), together cradled in the integration of mind (HUM) sending out rays of love to the whole universe.
I also invoked who I consider 7 of my teachers to accompany and guide me through my retreat. They were the radical and comical Bhagwan Sri Rajneesh, the Indian yogi Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, the American mystic Franklin Merrell-Wolff, my dear friend Monika’s teacher Tulku Urgyen, Gehlek Rinpoche, who taught me that I am grateful to be alive that I can cultivate compassion for all beings, without exception; the Dalai Lama, who transmitted Nagarjuna, and Choegyal Rinpoche, who directly transmitted to me the essence of karma.
Who could really be alone in such enlightened company? What a birthday, what a celebration. I have come back with a desire to reiterate two observations I live by:
1. There is no other way to true freedom (wisdom) and love (compassion) other than through meditation practice. This is because there is no other way to break through the confines of conceptual barriers but in the original Face and Great Silence of nondual awareness.
2. That for spiritual experience to become an enduring trait (as opposed to a peak state), spiritual development must be integrated with a deeper psychological understanding of self. This is particularly true for the western mind. How can I be in the world and cultivate relationship with the necessary highest levels of empathy without self-knowledge? Yes, my friends, empathy is the psychological portal to the true spiritual path. And remember, empathy is ultimately an act, not merely awareness playing with language. It is a turning toward the real (and all) other in a re(a)laxed state of relationship, yet with the conscious intention of ALWAYS asking oneself:
What does she feel? What does he need at this moment?
This should be everyone's mantra.
“i think that sometimes people relax relationship... they let loose [lose] their connection and they merely turn away.”
How sadly true this is. It is called empathic failure. Empathy never says, shut the fuck up, but rather, show the fuck up. You will not lose yourself, I promise, and you will.
I am
in deep gratitude for this sharing of your experience, clarity, and wisdom, Om.
I feel that all teachings are contained in this. I trust the emotion of gratitude and the voice of intuition to guide me. And I know sitting is the only way for me to allow the rocking of mind to still and for what needs to come up and move through to do so.
Your writing is crystal clear.
I am deeply touched by the experience that you say cannot be conveyed, the recognition of your mother.
In deep gratitude to you for giving you and all of us your luminous practice!
And empathy... ah. So gorgeous, so peaceful and generous.
Welcome back, Om. Loved
Welcome back, Om. Loved your post/journal entry. When I first saw how long it was, I thought I was going to have a hard time getting through it, but to the contrary, I really connected to it. thanks for sharing.
if you don't mind, i will cut it out and save it in my electronic library.
COMPASSION AND EMPATHY: TWO ASPECTS IN ONE ACT
Though I didn’t bring any books with me on my meditation retreat to Tulum, following my practice I did think about Dalai Lama’s `Stages of Meditation’ and the Dalai Lama and Daniel Goleman’s `Destructive Emotions.’ I wanted to return to them upon my return. Then, tonight, Nadine asked about my post and, specifically, the difference between compassion and empathy.
This is such a great question and one I have thought about at length. What makes these two terms complicated are primarily their meanings relative to two greatly diverse cultures in which I have tried to contextualize them, namely, Eastern and, especially, Tibetan, and Western cultures. The West’s emphasis on self is the tricky aspect in understanding such terms which depend on relationship for their meanings. Due to the dualism (distinction) between self and other, compassion in the West usually refers to compassion for another. The essentially grounding principle of Buddhism, emptiness, refutes this distinction, and so, there is no real separation between self and other.
In `Destructive Emotions,’ the Dalai Lama says “The Tibetan term for caring or compassion, tsewa, includes both self and others…. The connotation is the wish `May I be free of suffering, and free of the sources of suffering.’ And then there is empathy, on the basis of which one can recognize the kinship of self and others, and then feel compassion for others. But, it all comes under the rubric of the one term, `compassion.’” (italics mine).
In a previous `Mind and Life’ meeting with Sharon Salzberg, the American Buddhist teacher, the Dalai Lama found it incredulous that in the West there is this practice of developing lovingkindness toward oneself before focusing on others, due to such pervasive levels of low self-esteem and self-loathing. Self-loathing was foreign to the Dalai Lama. In the West, when defining compassion, the view is to leave oneself out of the equation, which, according to the Dalai Lama, is a “drastic omission.”
Distnguishing between empathy and compassion, the Dalai Lama shares, “In essence, compassion is more than simply feeling for another – empathy – but a concerned, heartfelt caring, wanting to do something to relieve the person’s suffering. And that holds whether the being involved is oneself, someone else, or an animal.” P. 60-61.
From here, for Buddhism, it seems that empathy is the recognition of “kinship” and the feeling for another, while compassion includes empathy but goes further as acts of lovingkindness. In `Stages of Meditation,’ Dalai Lama’s commentary on Kamalashila’s text, `Stages of Meditations,’ he says, “Compassion is a mind wishing that sentient beings be free from suffering, and lovingkindness is a mind wishing that they meet with happiness…. The special attitude here means that you not only mentally think how good it would be if sentient beings were free from suffering, but you voluntarily take responsibility for actually engaging in the work of delivering sentient beings to the state of liberation and helping them remove their sufferings.” P. 67 (italics mine).
While compassion in Western psychology is ostensibly similar to Eastern Buddhist formulations (the desire to alleviate another’s suffering), in addition to ontological differences just mentioned, compassion is also distinguished from empathy in that empathy requires a higher cognitive capacity which involves recognizing or understanding another's state of mind or emotion. Because it is described metaphorically as an emotional kind of resonance or mirroring, it is a sophisticated imaginative process. I personally have slightly distinguished between empathy and compassion in an opposite way as Buddhism, but I think it is more semantic than any real difference. My own formulation suggests that compassion is the desire to alleviate suffering but empathy involves the empathic act of lovingkindness. In other words, empathy is ultimately an act and that act is guided by a highly developed cognition (recognition/wisdom) and compassion (desire).
Thank you, Om,
for bringing east and west together and clarifying the difference between and the relatedness of empathy and compassion by hanging it upside down.
NADINE
I thought that was you I hung upside down. Damn! Missed again. Speaking of hanging upside down:
evolution, light and the art of wing-rowing
he woke that morning feeling pretty good
not feeling the dying force of melancholy
that melancholy in its blindness feels;
he was thinking about his dream, the ferry
that the next day would carry him across
to martha's vineyard, and the two poems
he worked on the night before; he thought
how tight the new version of one was
and how clever the other, and probably
how not-so-great the poems really were
but who cares because he feels alive
for the first in a long time, and there's nothing
like feeling alive, like a bat wing-rowing
through gravity in stroked tautness into the air
and propulsive glory in downstroke
and upstroke in blind motion without
pondering in flight the meaning of life
like how the greater light disappears
and falls like a corpse in the galaxy
of day or night; and, though blind, searching
out the vast dark spaces of caves as if for light
in the glory of its flight, without wondering how
in its continuous resurrections, light could
in the depth of darkness, die out without
the force of dying; realization is just this.
Om
Thank you for your post in reponse to mine. I agree with your interpretation of the dream and have been sitting with this. On an intellectual level I understand letting go; I even taste it from time to time; I even see it and know it in some glimmering moments, like now, early this morning, in the clear light of 60 degrees when I am part of the entire landscape around me. I am so quiet these days. I don't know how to let go - it is nothing something I can will myself to do, but something I know I must do and doing will be long and continous, painful and gentle. What I am feeling right now, is the beginning of the beginning of many beginnings. There is an ocean of letting go.
I am pondering the last lines of your poem,evolution, light and the art of wing-rowing.
like a bat wing-rowing
through gravity in stroked tautness into the air
and propulsive glory in downstroke
and upstroke in blind motion without
pondering in flight the meaning of life.
do you mean that the bat is free from pondering the meaning of life? That the bat is living without the constraits of consciousness? Are you implying that if we were as free as the bat in flight we would not be pondering the meaning of life?
like how the greater light disappears
and falls like a corpse in the galaxy
of day or night; and, though blind, searching
out the vast dark spaces of caves as if for light
in the glory of its flight, without wondering how
in its continuous resurrections, light could
in the depth of darkness, die out without
the force of dying; realization is just this.
Again, I am wondering about the words that imply not questions or pondering when you say ' without wondering how it's continuouse ressurections...." Do you mean that the life ( or light) is always present in the darkness and in this state is just dissipates without a great upheaval. Is this a gentle way of looking at life and death?
Is the realization just: to be, without question?
Depending on your answer - I am certain I have more questions.
THE EMILY OF BIRTH
Em, I want to say again how much I loved your post and, at the risk of sounding presumptuous, I really believe you have entered a transformative space in your life (I can't ait for your retreat!!! Watch what happens). I am filled with joy for you because I can feel it. I was just talking to Caterina about the difference between those people who change and those who don’t; when, for example, analysis works and when it doesn’t. It works when we want it to work, when we are committed to healing and have the pure intention to heal and grow. You come to my mind immediately because you are so focused, on all levels, on evolving or, perhaps re-turning to Who you Originally are. Om mani padme hum. It’s a long bake for sure, but even in one lifetime when can dismantle and break through lifetimes of karmic do-do. As you say, there is an ocean of letting go, but the waves are exhilarating as they roll over you.
Thank you for reading the poem. It was one of the poems I wrote during my grieving period. To your questions, yes yes yes! “the bat is free from pondering the meaning of life…. That the bat is living without the constraints of consciousness….that if we were as free as the bat in flight we would not be pondering the meaning of life?” I don’t recall now, but I found the bat a perfect metaphor for our blindness as the Light of Pure Awareness dying out into the light we see in everyday life, which is the illusion and refraction of pure consciousness, a pointer at best, but not Pure Awareness. Pure Awareness can only be directly experienced when perception burns itself out through the initial darkness (of breaking through the ego structures) opening up to the True Light. The mystic Massimo Scaligero, in his wildly brilliant book, `La Luce’ (`The Light’), says, “The light by which we see things is only a symbol. At the point of seeing the light, we lose it….The light we think we see is the light that has annihilated itself so that we can see. We are always at the point of seeing the light.”
And so, the bat is a perfect metaphor because it represents the mountain before and after reaching enlightenment through meditation. First, our blindness is our failure to see the True Light and then, through a life of practice, the bat’s blindness is its natural state. This is mind returning to its Buddha-nature.
“Do you mean that the life ( or light) is always present in the darkness and in this state is just dissipates without a great upheaval. Is this a gentle way of looking at life and death?”
Em, you so completely understand this poem as I intended. Thank you!
Ultimately realization is, as you say, without questions. The questions are over. Back to Caterina, I said, you don’t have to analyze anymore, just dissolve it.
Nico Nico,
My head is swirling with your description of your mother's day with your family. My mind keeps setting this scene of you as a little boy stuck at the dinner table on some deserted island without a clue if anyone is going to rescue you and get you off that frightening place.
I kept thinking about your mother yelling at your grandmother (abusing her is how I would see it) and yelling at other times at her children. It reminded me of a Thomas Mann short story I read a very long time ago, whose name I can't recall. But the story burned a hole right through me when I read it. It was about a very sad and pathetic man who was beaten down by life. There was a little dog who was also beaten down but who followed him and, in that dog kind of way, devoted to him. The man in a fit of rage saw how pathetic the dog was and unleashed all his hatred and angry at the only creature and killed the only being that cared for him.
My arms are around you.
Thank you, Em. Your
Thank you, Em. Your empathy means a lot to me.
Happy belated mothers day. Did you have a happy one?
Hello Om
My arms reach out to where you are, which is right here, no space between, where I am.
Greetings, my friend. In my awareness tonight, I am aware of you.
EMILY, MY LOVE
Thank you! I'm still riding the great samadhi wave and exploding with love with a million arms reaching out. I sat with our lovely Nadine tonight who knows that wave well. There is nothing like a shared meditation to raise the vibrations of awareness. Together, we watch all the walls dissolve and all space, as you say, dissolving the between of separateness. Yes, you must have been there sitting with us tonight. Yes, I'm sure that was you. Oh, and remember, pee is empty, too.
Nico. thanks for asking at Mommy Day
Oh, it was lovely as usual to be with Arnold and Anya – the three of us seem to be in a sweet harmony these days. In the morning I rushed to the grocery store to get some things to take to my mother, then to the nursery to pick up some plants, and then we drove in the grey, cool day to Baltimore. My mother’s apartment is spotless, with lots of pictures and collectables everywhere. There is a huge painting of my sisters and I as children (which I absolutely hate and am thrilled she is leaving it to my sister in California). We ate lunch together,. My father is quieter than usual and in obvious discomfort and my mother fills the space with all kinds of talk – this time about everything she is hearing about Barbara Walters, whose autobiography my sister and I gave to her as a present, since we know it would give her great pleasure. We watched a movie together and then came home. The afternoon exhausted me, as many of my trips to Baltimore do –there is so much sadness and dependency and expectation in the air – but I do my best at giving my attention and bringing to them some of the things that may fill their expectations. My mother is a believer in all the symbols of the day. In the evening, I sat, a good sitting, which helped me find my way back home, something so necessary these days, as so much change is bumping up against me. I am aware of events that tend to cause my ankles to turn and cause me to be unbalanced. So I sit as much as possible. At yoga today I worked on balancing poses. I feel my emotions like a storm inside and am trying to just sit with them so that I will not be dragged too far from myself. I used to live by the edges of my emotions. I feel them – the well of joy and sadness as Anya heads towards graduation, as Noah prepares to journey further into the world, as my father is fading toward his death.
But back to your question about Mother’s Day. It is really no different than any other day except for the pressure our culture imposes on it to somehow be different or greater than every other day. But the nicest part was that I was given a new purse. The one I have been carrying for I don’t know how long has a zipper that has been stuck in the half open half closed position, which makes finding things very difficult and being the lazy and not all that interested shopper that I am, it was thrilling that this highly Hallmark, commercial holiday, landed me with a new purse, better designed, so that my family and friends will not have to wait as long for me to find my keys, dig out my phone, or find my license which often slips out of my wallet, if the cops every stop me for going too slow or stopping at a green light.
hey james
beautiful post, James. It's amazing the difference a preposition can make in a relationship! For me relaxing into relationship is about trust- of myself and the other. If I were to try to make something work that wasn't workable, that would be unrelaxed. In many ways, in my last relationship, I was coming from a place of fear (we both were), which was not relaxed. We were good at hanging around, snuggling, and relaxing in that way and I certainly felt comfortable with being myself, but there was always that fear lurking that usually manifested in anger and judgement. Relaxing would mean letting the other person be himself. It would include giving and getting lots of space, but not so much that there was a disconnect, as you mention. It would also include lots of pushing and pushing back, but from a place of love and recognition.
Above all, relaxing into relationship would mean feeling safe. And as I shared with Nadine and Caterina earlier today, the ability to risk losing the relationship in order to save it, as opposed to clinging to something out of fear of losing it or of the unknown.
We were discussing Caterina's questions as we sat by the Hudson river with another friend after a yoga class. We had brought flowers with us, which we had imbued with something that we wanted to release. This exercise came from a shamanic journey that we were led through the other night by a woman trained in a peruvian shamanic tradition (that's a whole other amazing experience to share here at some point). She said that you should always release what you want to let go into a river. If there's something you want to keep, you should plant it in the ground. After sitting for a minute, I decided to release my desire to be made whole by another person. I find that I often rely on others to lead me and have a difficult time trusting in my own voice, intuition, desires, etc. So I released all of that into the Hudson. bye, bye, fears.
It's good to have you back on the block, James. Is there a particular reason you were feeling distant from us? you mentioned feeling grumpy the morning of Om's bday. what's goin' on?
Also, I loved that story you shared about listening to your younger self. I always find those experiences kind of disconcerting, but it 's really a beautiful opportunity to see how you have grown and transformed. I have a nude black and white photo of myself from when I was 18. I misplaced it recently (oops!)and I am curious to see it again. It's not the same as hearing what you were really thinking and talking about, but still a window into a former self. It reminds that I was doing and thinking about really cool things back then, despite how frightened, angry and insecure I was, and I am so grateful for all that I have learned to make me a stronger and better equipped woman now. the death of that younger self is a welcome one. I can't wait for the shedding of the next skin...
hey camila
thanks for welcoming me back :) and thanks for asking what's going on. you know we've got to find a way to bring some love/understanding here today. i'm not quite sure what the deep-down of it is, but i'll do a little digging. as my friend calvin says -- there's treasure everywhere!
it feels the surface of my struggle is that i can't touch you. this hasn't been an issue for me, and you all might recall that i have in the past been one of those voices suggesting that this distance is not nearly so much a limitation as one may at first believe it to be. no, it's been great for me on here and i've been both excited to meet you all, and content to continue getting to know you here. but touch... perhaps touch is the first and remembered for the first time as new often is--
yes, Noah, perhaps. it's like the idealization, which isn't good enough for me anymore; and though i think idealization is a necessary and important and even fun part of relationship, i haven't quite learned this yet, and have to rebel a bit. run from idealization, deny it for what feels more real, more present, more... touch. it's not that you all haven't been here -- you've been here beautifully. and it's not that i'm just not digging the blog this week, or anything as easy as that. no, this fits into my whole big picture current experience.
okay, okay. maybe i'm a little somewhere. ahh touch. sounds like i celebrate it. i'm not sure if i've told everyone here, but i love to be scratched. (for example, check my poem here "The Cat" in the middle of the post -- i'm the cat :) so if i'm ever bullying you, just scratch my head a bit and i'll roll up into a ball of purr. but... i also struggle with touch. to give my struggle a name would be to name: sexuality. lately i've come to think that my sensuality is doing okay, but that darn sexuality is just... well, frankly, its missing in action. yeah, well, it was a weird adolescence for that reason. so this touch thing... while i feel distant because i cannot touch you, i also feel safer in that distance. so i think this is my rebellion, in a way, to just turn from here.
Om and James
Om, I feel you love. James, I feel your pain. Anything else I would say right now would just seem trivial. Love to you both.
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One of my cats peed on my meditation cushion. Why me? What have I done? Yesterday he sat with me while I sat; today he pees where I sat. Is that love, or what?
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It is love. I'd have done the same thing.
:)
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It's troubling, too, that he'd offer thefollowing (flimsy) excuses for his actions:"It's not like [quarterbacks] fall out of trees."And: Tom Brady Authentic Jersey "Everybody's looking for a difference-maker. Look at DrewBrees. He was released by San Diego. Nobody knew he was going to bea difference-maker."For the record, seven quarterbacks were drafted Authentic Philadelphia Eagles Ronnie Brown Jersey in the first 72picks this year, four of whom (Carolina's Cam Newton, Cincinnati'sAndy Dalton, Jacksonville's Blaine Gabbert and Minnesota'sChristian Ponder) are already starting. If that isn't "falling outof trees," it's close.As Reggie Wayne Jersey for Brees, he was "released" by San Diego because theChargers already Wes Welker Jersey had a ton of money invested in Philip Rivers andhad decided to promote him to No. 1. In his last two seasons withthe Bolts, Brees went 20-12 as a starter (counting the playoffs),completed 65 percent of his passes and had a 96.1 rating. The Redskins would kill to have a QBlike that right now - never mind the QB that Sean Taylor Jersey Brees has become.Anyway, Aaron Curry Jersey Authentic off to Carolina the Redskins go, with a new quarterbackand fresh hope. Donovan McNabb wasn't the answer. Rex Grossmanwasn't the answer. Wes Welker Jersey Authentic Maybe John Beck will be the answer. Or maybeShanahan will be standing under a tree next Ryan Torain Jersey Authentic spring, waiting Authentic Matt Forte Jersey for hisnext QB to fall out.
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