Seagull, this is an amazing photo, truly. I would like to call it `Meditation on Impermanence.' I can't fully make out those purple flowers but they, and the lush green backdrop, bring this newly dead bird to life in his death. And the exquiste brown textures of the vertical silk-like feathers against the finely furrowed walk or parapet bring an illuminating aesthetic to what I experience as a spiritually inspiring gloss on impermanence. Thank you for this gorgeous photo.
Submitted by seagull on Wed, 05/14/2008 - 11:53pm.
Thank you, Om for your comments and I'm sorry if the photo hits a little to close to home Mr.Plumbean, but, that's life. I'm sure the microwave can tell you all about it.
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Death. Thank you Om for sharing this lecture. It is exactly what I needed to listen to today. It came as a great gift. Death and loss have once again been at the forefront of my thoughts.
There are so many changes going on in my life and death always plays a part in all these shifts, which, I know are only a prelude for the larger one that will one day come.. And the question is, as it always is, how to live fully and happily and without fear. The retreat that I am going to in July is totally focused on this. I feel the waves of emotions building – the forces of love and loss that are the center of my practice and my growing devotion to find the place in myself that is my true home and where these feelings can rest calmly.
Last night, I fell apart. It occurred to me that Noah’s graduation from college is as great a change for me as Anya leaving for Smith in the fall. He is about to take a giant step further into the world and each time one of my beloved make that leap deeper into their own lives, I enter into a new stream of emotion. It is another huge letting go. I was thinking about how some children never leave, stay in the same city as their parents, stay close. In so many ways, I would love that, and at the same time, in my heart, I would not. I know that one has to leave to discover. I pushed for Noah and Anya to leave ( as I was quietly crying in my room). I pushed for them to search, to find out who they are in a completely new context from where they come from. It was something that I was not encouraged to do and something that I couldn’t let myself do because of the burden of my parent’s sorrow, I took upon my own shoulders. So in choosing to have children, I knew from the moment they entered the world, it was my job, to let them go. It was the only way for there to be real love between us.
I see this new period, when Noah, will be far away, as another shattering of the bit of illusion that I cling to: that I, as mother, can jump in and protect him from all the sorrows and dangers in life. Every step of the way for me, from the time he and Anya were little, was a process of learning to listen to the call of their lives. It is filled with so much sweet sadness as it is with such profound awe.
Then last night, I had a dream. I woke up crying. I woke Arnold so he could hold me. The dream was about Arnold and me (although it could have very well been about Noah). Arnold and I were traveling together. We were in a large inner courtyard in a foreign country. We were heading outdoors into the sunlight, where it was safe for foreigners, but Arnold was drawn to the stairs leading to a view of the courtyard from a balcony. It was beautiful up there but not without risk. I begged him not to go, but he said he would only go for a moment. He had to see it. As he was climbing up a man was descending rapidly and told Arnold, “Get out of here now.” But Arnold having gone that far, had to stop and lean over the balcony to look. At that moment a man rushed past him and stabbed him in the back of the neck. As Arnold fell forward he looked at me. His hands were held out as if to say, “See all this beauty.” The smile faded from his face as he looked at me with sadness and whispered, “I am sorry.”
I woke up frightened. I woke up in touch with all my love for Arnold, for Noah and Anya and for all of you. In the dream I saw the need for all of us to take the risks that we must take to feed our lives and our souls.
And then, after seeing the lecture, I realized that at this listening, there was one thing that helped me right now. It was the moment when Ron talked about being a good parent. About helping your children explore their dreams.
That made me smile and it makes cry. I can say, “ I am a good mother.” I have always wanted my children to live their dreams, despite the tears that flow in my hearts. To me, this is unconditional love. To me, this is the only way to really live the meaning of mother.
I can not stop crying today. But I am not unhappy. The sun is glorious. And my tears make my life grow.
Emily, I have told you this but I want to say it again here: I love you so much. You give so much to those who you touch. You are light, and I am have been blessed by our friendship.
and what a beautiful death it is. This will go down as a favorite post of mine, Emily. Thank you for sharing your struggle for freedom. I have had many deaths in this life and each one further (en)lightening my egoic load. To be out of one's own way is the true path of freedom; it is the lifting of the veil of fear, as I said. Each death (including our actual passing on) is a celebration, a portal to the lightness of being, unbearable not because it is heavy to bear, but because it has no weight to bear at all. Each time I sit I am almost immediately reminded of the nature of this weight we hold onto. And, there it goes, dissolves because it is nothing but illusion. Om Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Boddhi svaha-- Beyond Beyond, Beyond the Beyond, Totally Beyond the Beyond, Awakening, So Be It.
I have an interesting take on your exquisite dream. I don't think it has anything to do with Arnold or Noah-- sorry guys :) I think it is all you, Em, and you are seeking freedom in the beautiful death of ego. In fact, you interpreted your own dream in the previous paragraph:
"It was something that I was not encouraged to do and something that I couldn’t let myself do because of the burden of my parent’s sorrow, I took upon my own shoulders."
Are you ready to let go? Go ahead, climb the stairway to heaven, but this time really let go-- let go of Arnold, Anya, Noah, your parents, Izzy, your memories, your sufferings, Mr Plumbean, your guilt-- and most of all, let go of the you that needs a match under her ass. Into the light goes Emily, flying away beyond, beyond beyond, beyond the beyond, totally beyond the beyond... oops, I forgot my socks.
I admit that I am so hesitant to say very much about what you described at your mother's day. I do not live it as part of the family nor have all the years of emotion and trauma that you have from what you suffered. But I keep coming back to it - imaging myself as a guest at the table and hearing your mother yelling at your grandmother. I keep asking myself what I would have said, where I might have entered in a compassionate non-threatening way. I would have had to say something. I probably would have said to your mother that I could see how hard it was to care for someone who was so dependent and how it brought her, as it did others, to their limits. Then I would have asked how I might of service to her. I would do this, not expecting to make a difference - for I could imagine that for her, stuck in all her negativity, that she would only see negativity. But I would have helped myself by acknowledging what I had seen, by being a compassionate witness and being true to myself.
I am honestly saying this, more for me, than for you. It is in my bones to be an advocate for older people and I am so sensitive to how they are mistreated. I am really calling out into the darkness, in a sense, saying to your grandmother, that I see and that I am sorry.
And again, I am so sorry. Perhaps, one day, you will tell you mom, that if she is going to act in a certain way, that you can not stay. There is no hope of change if one person does not push the first dominoe.
I have so much respect for you for bringing your anger to the surface where you are looking and looking.
Submitted by Nico Lime (not verified) on Tue, 05/13/2008 - 7:31pm.
Em, all the points that you make are right on. They reflect many of the thoughts I am processing right now. I really appreciate your empathy for my grandmother and me, even my mother. The hardest part for me is getting the tone of my protest right. I get so angry sometimes, that I fear it warps all my other sensibilities. So I keep quiet most of the time, fearing that if I do say something I will explode in anger. Which is far from the case, I imagine, but I fear my words will hurt my mom. And what makes it worse, is all the sacrifice and care she gives my grandmother - only to turn around and be so mean.
I have really tried to understand her psychology the past 2 days. I have tried to understand how she could be so caring and thoughtful one moment and then so mean and cruel, and just crazy, the next. And then act as if everything is normal. I imagine she has never felt safe in relationships - she comes from a devout family of catholics (my aunt was a nun) who are so far from their feelings they could not recognize them most days. With her everything in her apartment has to be perfect. If you ever went to dinner at their place, you would find the table set, the food served, everything structured and planned. Maybe this control makes up for the larger things she feels powerless against. And my grandmother not doing what she wants her to do, goes upsets her order of things. Though I remember her wanting my and sister me to be and act certain ways. The tiniest deviation could set her off. She has no proportion, and I can't understand why? Again, her whole side of the family is fucked up. Her oldest brother (my uncle) is the most normal and he was considered the black sheep in the family, yet he always seemed the happiest to me.
But I do think I will have to set some limits with her and that will be the tough part. Anyway, thanks for revisiting this. I look forward to seeing the new bag on the 24th.
Submitted by Caterina on Wed, 05/14/2008 - 12:19am.
Ever meet someone whose view of the world is so far, so different, from your own, who can explain it so well, who can take you into seeing through their eyes, through an explanation that begins to "make sense" from within its own view... you see the shapes, but they don't look anything like what you would name them as, you feel the necessity of the vision that holds that world together in its own way, like a force. You feel the tremendous force holding it all together.
I imagine if Dante had gone on his journey without a guide. What he would have seen, how he would have interpreted these strange sights without the skills of reason and perspective that Virgil gave to his seeing. Would he have seen anything at all? Would he have been able to recognize meaning or form in the shapes and sounds? Would there have even been shapes and sounds or would there not have been a journey to speak of?
To speak of is to give language to, to see the form arising and tell the meaning. Meanings are tethered to others, as language is a uni-verse. Every utterance is connected to its origin in another form, a feeling or sense drawing up even from the depths and darkness of spaces that seem to have no language but they do and this is it, this form as we see it now and feel it now. There is always sense (and this is the certainty that Dante meets as he goes deeper and deeper, and Virgil reassures him of this). Therefore, he seems to tell his charge, there is nothing to fear. All is held in the grace of Logos, (i.e. interconnectedness and dependent origination, for our lovely readers).
Seeing through Tony's eyes is like meeting someone from the other side of a life I have never ever known. How can I hold you if I cannot recognize you? No, not all of you, I do recognize so much, but parts of you, parts that you tell me that take me to that edge of credulity. Do I try to fit you into my paradigm? Do I let go a little at the edges of my paradigm to feel you and keep feeling you? (I already have vastly wide edges, so to get me to a boundary there is already pretty astonishing).
You take me down into places into verdicts I will never make, and they are everything to you. I have heard of them before, these types of verdicts, but have never felt them from a living being who actually believed them. You hold so true to them, I cannot shake you free. Where is your creator? Where is your flow? Yet you flow here in this world of your verdicts, in a world in which I would find it hard to breathe, actually, in a world that does not exist to me at all for it is incomplete.. it is only a partial world which ends at the verdict.
And yet you feel so real to me. You challenge me to see your world through a necessity I have never felt, a necessity to never back down, to never show weakness. But perhaps you are just here, and all this mind you give me is just your story. I can hold the story. I can let go of the story.
I let go of the story, of your story, which you are asking me to enter so I may see you, so you can be seen, feel recognized. And I do it to feel myself, recognize myself there too. I accept your story like a dream, so I can find you, feel you, in the dark, to approach, draw near, and then I let go of the story and am just here with you. I let go of the story.
Because it feels to me like a nightmare, but you do not.
There are some strange forms in that dream, people I would never want to accidentally cross. Where is forgiveness in your story? Who brings the water to your parched lips? You are thirsty. Do you drink blood instead?
You thrive on tremendous self-discipline and self-care, dominating your environment with ease. You live by a code of honor that is clear to you, there are no grey areas. With women it is different; you seem to desire the water from them, but it comes with conditions, with pieces of tar and rust. You try to set the conditions, to filter out the rust and tar, but the water stops flowing because you have raised a dam instead of allowing yourself to walk up to a purer source.
You draw from the grace of the sense you have made and it sustains you as you slowly slowly open, as we all do, to the uncertain future.
There is water in blood.
There are holes in your theory.
And that is grace.
In these words Dante reads on the gates of hell,
I read the promise that in no mind is there salvation,
The word that comes to mind when reading your post is: astonished. I am astonished. L. extonare, to thunder. I am thunderstruck by this taste of clarity into the looking of another’s looking. And to invoke your teacher, Dante, was brilliant. Why? Because, for one of so many examples, in Purgatorio (most appropriately!), Canto XVII, an angel gives Dante, the pilgrim, directions (notice La Lluce-- The Light).
“As sleep is broken, when of a sudden the new light strikes the closed eyes, and, broken, quivers ere it wholly dies, so my imagining fell down, soon as a light, greater by far than that to which we are accustomed, struck my face. I turned me to see where I was, when a voice said, "Here is the ascent;" which from every other object of attention removed me, and made my will so eager to behold who it was that was, speaking that it never rests till it is face to face. But, as before the sun which weighs down our sight, and by excess veils its own shape, so here my power failed. "This is a divine spirit who directs us, without our asking, on the way to go up, and with his own light conceals himself. He does for us as a man doth for himself; for he who sees the need and waits for asking, malignly sets himself already to denial.Now let us grant our feet to such an invitation; let us hasten to ascend ere it grows dark, for after, it would not be possible until the day returns." Thus said my Guide; and I and he turned our steps to a stairway. And soon as I was on the first step, near use I felt a motion as of wings, and a fanning on my face, and I heard said, "Beati pacifici,' who are without ill anger." (italics and highlights mine)
I use this example because it also recalls for me Emily’s dream (it’s right there, Em!!!). We are all on a pilgrimage and, in a way, guiding each other. Not in the formal sense of guiding, where we need a specific type of guide (teacher); but, rather, we mirror for each other the path to our respective ascents through the descending psychoanalytic stairs of deconstruction and reconstruction and emotional and intellectual freedom-- in the form of a celebration of individuality and autonomy—and back up again through the silence and contemplative effortless efforts and intention of meditation practice. In the analytic is the dismantling and breaking down in order to understand the parts, and in the contemplative aspects of synthesizing (integrating) the parts into greater wholes of perspective. To do this, as Caterina has realized, we have to push up against our own edges to greater understand how difference is nothing more than a veil of ignorance clouded by fear. To move beyond judgment towards understanding is not only the task of analysis, it is an even more vital task in spiritual development, because it engenders compassion. No true compassion, no enlightenment. To fail to understand difference as illusion is to lack true compassion.
But, here’s the rub. Understanding does not mean making the choice to create an enduring romantic relationship. Instead, it is the inverse: making a choice to create a enduring romantic relationship needs to emerge out of an understanding of our psychological and spiritual needs. We choose the best partner for that purpose. Of course, it’s the most difficult task in many ways, because we can’t know ourselves that well. That’s why we practice. That’s why a bad relationship could be better than no relationship. If you are on the path, it will teach you, no doubt. It will most likely kick your ass.
The tendency to judge Caterina comes from our fear of difference and our sense of helplessness to the fires she is drawn to ostensibly like a moth. You see, ostensibly is the key word. Ostendere, “in front of.” We, in our judgments, see only the surface layer of Caterina’s heuristic leaps into intimacy. If we our honest and admit it, we have to then say we don’t trust her. We don’t trust her judgment, we don’t trust her ability to navigate the relationship and we don’t trust that she won’t get hurt. And that could make us critical and anger with Caterina at times. What I think is finally so beautiful is that she gets that. She finally understands that people are going to judge, not because they don’t love and care about her, but because they don’t fully understand. Who could possibly have understood Dante? Dante often didn’t understand Dante, at least, not until he did. And that is true for any seeker entering the flame of truth: we don’t immediately understand what our intuition hurls us into. Though we KNOW we must be hurled. If we have cultivated enough compassion and self-awareness, there’s a good chance we won’t fuck up too badly and, indeed, there’s an even greater chance we will transcend the very veil of ignorance that causes us to suffer. We learn, more than all else, that passivity is the only failure, the refusal to enter the flame. For it is only in the flame where we will find true power, wisdom and love. And the flame speaks:
this is beautiful, om, and so compassionately composed. I have come back to this several times today, trying to understand it fully. There's so much to this it's almost too big for me to take in, but I know it is something I desperately need to understand. both nico and caterina confronted me this week around feeling judged by me when they have shared their feelings about something coming up in their relationships (with nico it was with his mom, and with cat, it was you know who). I know where some of it comes from (my fear of being abandoned is always the first place to look) and as your post describes, a lack of compassion, or inability to find it.
With Nico, I understand that his stuff with his Mom is very important and, having experienced those sterile organized dinners of perfect bountiful feasts accompanied by a glass of depression and anxiety, I get it. I have felt equally enraged by how his grandmother is treated. It's heart wrenching to see her so helplessly sequestered in that bedroom and hear her talk about how much she misses her country and her dead husband. I also know how much the relationship with Tony is healing for Cat. she is moving through something that is astounding. I want to be there for them both, but what is it that makes me say things that are so not helpful? to be fair to myself, I think both were feeling especially vulnerable and defensive, but that doesn't excuse me from not being present to their needs.
I have to think about this some more, because I'm not finding the words either.
when I see you recognize you through the bumps and pot holes of your fear. Lift the veil of fear and compassion will guide you completely. Even if Nico is loathe to (s)mother.
"Understanding does not mean making the choice to create an enduring romantic relationship. Instead, it is the inverse: making a choice to create a enduring romantic relationship needs to emerge out of an understanding of our psychological and spiritual needs."
Well, this certainly shines a light on my own projections and fears. While, I am not involved in relationships that could lead to an enduring romantic one, since I am already at home in one - I do - how should I say it - find myself in conflict, in the spin, when I see other with the kind of clarity that Caterina describes, because in seeing, I am loving. And I something mistake loving for falling in love - where love has to be an act, instead of just love, just something that is; that requires nothing more than what it is.
It really has to do with loving without expectation, without grasping, without expecting anything to happen. It has to do with being able to just sit with love and not demand anything from it, or have anything be demanded of me. It has to do with the burden of feeling loved ( love as need) and then feeling unable to give what others want or felel that I had already offered.
There is probably much more to this, but the I am only at the beginning of the beginning of the beginning of understanding pure love.
"Understanding does not mean making the choice to create an enduring romantic relationship. Instead, it is the inverse: making a choice to create a enduring romantic relationship needs to emerge out of an understanding of our psychological and spiritual needs."
You commented on the above quote. I really want to understand why you chose this quote to comment on. When I read your comments, I understood them but wasn't finding a connection to this quote.
any better at the moment. Perhaps I am being too abstract. I have a tendency to think "I am in love," with someone because I see him or her. I tend to think because I see someone, I have to do something more to show or express my love. That seeing, that understanding, means a larger committment. Your quote spoke to me because I see that understanding does not mean that a relationship needs to go someplace else. Sometimes, I really get people. I feel them. Sense their deepest pain. I can respond so clearly. But sometimes in doing that I take on the burden of their expectations ( my parents). They want more. And sometimes there is no more, just what is. At that point, I must make a choice about the level of my involvement. It is a choice, I see, about the extent in which I enter into a relationship. It is a choice as to whether I will feel guilty for giving only what I have to give and not what others expect me to keep on giving. Does that make sense?
“But sometimes in doing that I take on the burden of their expectations ( my parents). They want more. And sometimes there is no more, just what is. At that point, I must make a choice about the level of my involvement. It is a choice, I see, about the extent in which I enter into a relationship. It is a choice as to whether I will feel guilty for giving only what I have to give and not what others expect me to keep on giving.”
This is what I was referring to in relation to your dream yesterday. Shaking off the accommodation from the compassion to give compassion free flight into freedom (nonattachment). When faced with other people’s wants, we must always ask the question, what is the most compassionate thing to do? Our wisdom will guide us. Loss or contamination of one’s own psychological and spiritual development must not occur.
I have left class early. I feel sick and I'm looking for the train. It finally occurs to me to try the station beneath my dad's former office building. The building looks unfamiliar and I spend a good deal of time wandering its empty corridors and riding in elevators before I find the tracks and board the train. The season is spring.
The train departs. Everything inside is bright sky blue. The car is reminiscent of DC metro cars, with large glass windows and spacious individual seats. I open my physics notes--I am trying to read about "QCD" but my eyes are swollen and I'm having trouble making out the words. A woman with long brunette hair looks over my shoulder. I ask her to help me decipher my handwriting. She doesn't understand that much about quantum chromodynamics either and we can't really help each other. The train rocks rhythmically, the lights of the dark tunnel flash by. My eyes close.
I wake up. Beyond the window, countryside is rolling past--farm fields, rows of corn. It is early evening, the light is a strange graying blue. I have no idea where I am--I realize that I have slept past my stop and that the train route has changed since the last time I rode. I want to get home so that I can recover and return to class tomorrow. But we are far away from the city. By the lateness of the day, I have been asleep for a long time. I'm starting to feel anxious. I look for the women with the lovely brown hair but she is gone. There a few other people in my car; they look tense and worried. In hushed voices, a few of them are talking about the ride ahead, how dangerous it is to ride the tracks so far. I think about how extreme these people's commute is, how they live so far, farther than I want to go. Why aren't we making any stops? I want to get out and ride the other direction. But I resolve to ride the train to the end of the line, let it turn around. This is just the subway, it can't be much father... How far to the next stop, how far to the end of the line? No one seems to know. At least three hours, someone says, or maybe nine.
Outside, the open fields are thickening with bare trees. An icy rain begins to fall. It patters the windows. It's almost dark now and we are passing through strange suburban houses hidden in the forest. The branches of the trees are covered in ice and the train is lurching violently. I am starting to panic--I want to go back, to go home and rest. I decide to get up and make my way to the front of the train and talk to the conductor. Maybe he will help me, stop the train for me. All I need to do is explain my situation to him. The few strange passengers caution me about the dangers of trying to move around on such an icy stretch of track, but I am determined and make it up to the front.
The conductor sits reclined, his feet propped up on the dashboard. I say to him that I have overslept and missed my stop. I need help, I need to get off the train. I say, just let me off and I will find my own way back, I will ask someone in one of these houses to help me. Do it soon, before we are completely out of civilization. He laughs at me and asks me if I would like to have some coffee or tea with him. He doesn't seem to be listening to me. Don't you understand? I plead, all my fear rising up. Please let me off the train. Suddenly I feel completely out of control. What is happening to me? Why won't he listen? Do you understand me, need to get off the train! He laughs and asks if I take sugar.
If one can be in love with a dream, I’m in love with this one. I think, however, without a context, the Beauty of this jewel will be lost. What I mean is that this is Noah’s dream in the same way that yesterday’s was Emily’s dream. The two dreams are remarkably aligned in both their struggle and aim, which is freedom. For Emily it is about her spiritual freedom and for Noah it is about his autonomy and emergence into adulthood. As far as I’m concerned, this is an archetypal male dream. Noah, this dream is a poem. “The season is spring.” Is that not beautiful? It’s like a minimalist painting stripped of ornamentation to reveal its essence. And out of the pure form is this archetypal image of life, the spring of a man’s life pulling out of the station of his father’s office. Not his father’s home, but his father’s office. His father’s home is his office, for the “office” represents male autonomy, the old wanderlust motif. “The building looks unfamiliar and I spend a good deal of time wandering its empty corridors and riding in elevators before I find the tracks and board the train.” And “the train departs.” Another poem.
Why is this train departing from his father? Could it be Noah’s process of transformation, his cultivating self-awareness, the very vehicle of individuality and freedom? Perhaps, because it has “large glass windows and spacious individual seats.” Another male symbol arises: “I open my physics notes--I am trying to read about "QCD" but my eyes are swollen and I'm having trouble making out the words.” I’m sure if we scratch the symbolism of this quantum field theory, we would find ourselves journeying through an amazing landscape. Since quantum chromodynamics is a theory of forces and strong interactions of fundamental particles, for me it speaks to a very powerful male energy that Noah is perhaps trying to harness and which will serve him in his life pilgrimage. I believe this is also the most potentially destructive male quality as well. If the man cannot transform his fundamental energic force into intimacy and compassion, it will degenerate into the destructive elements of competition (as opposed to mastery), domination, and perverted power structures (eg, the Church, military, totalitarian political regimes, etc.); or its opposite—withdrawal and dissociation.
Interestingly, like many men seeking answers, Noah turns to a woman who necessarily can’t help him because she’s a woman! A woman cannot teach a man how to be a man. This is why there’s so much misogyny; in many broken homes, women raise sons, which potentially prevent the sons from forming fully into adults.
“The train rocks rhythmically, the lights of the dark tunnel flash by.” Another poem, this one on sexual intimacy. Beautiful. But, not a solution.
“I wake up. Beyond the window, countryside is rolling past--farm fields, rows of corn. It is early evening, the light is a strange graying blue.” Here comes the beginning of wanderlust, the excitement and terror of leaving home. “I realize that I have slept past my stop and that the train route has changed since the last time I rode. I want to get home so that I can recover and return to class tomorrow.” I’m sorry, my son, there is no returning home. You have had your lessons and have graduated. You are ready. But, he doesn’t yet trust it. “I'm starting to feel anxious. I look for the woman with the lovely brown hair but she is gone.”
And what is this anxiety about anyway? “how dangerous it is to ride the tracks so far….how extreme these people's commute is, how they live so far, farther than I want to go.”
Outside, the open fields are thickening with bare trees.
An icy rain begins to fall. It patters the windows.
It's almost dark now and we are passing through strange
suburban houses hidden in the forest. The branches of the trees
are covered in ice and the train is lurching violently. I am
starting to panic--I want to go back, to go home and rest.
And here in the dream’s denouement, Noah comes face to face with his guide who, up to this point, has been driving (conducting) the train (process). “Maybe he will help me, stop the train for me. All I need to do is explain my situation to him.” But, the conductor will have nothing to do with it; he “sits reclined, his feet propped up on the dashboard.” Or folded in sitting position.
“I need help, I need to get off the train…just let me off and I will find my own way back, I will ask someone in one of these houses to help me. Do it soon, before we are completely out of civilization. He laughs at me and asks me if I would like to have some coffee or tea with him. He doesn't seem to be listening to me. Don't you understand? I plead, all my fear rising up. Please let me off the train. Suddenly I feel completely out of control. What is happening to me? Why won't he listen? Do you understand me, I say, I need to get off the train! He laughs and asks if I take sugar.”
And Noah clicks his heels 3 times and says, “there’s no place like OM, there’s no place like OM, there’s no place like OM.” And, as his eyes open, he looks at the diploma in his hand, and reads: “At 10% interest over 15 years, you owe us $100,000.
Wow. What a brilliant ride (both Noah and Om). As a bit player in this drama that is Noah's, I have my own anxiety. Did I, when I had the chance, give him the best of myself? What is my role now and going forward? Is there a place for me? When children are young the need for their parents is so palpable. That need intoxicates the parents.
Emily and i always said that it was our task to facilitate his leaving us. It was easier to say that when he was bound to us. Now those connections are mostly broken and we are at yet another significant moment in that process. My intention has not changed, but it is not easy. There is part of me that wishes he could get on a returning train, and I know that it is impossible.
Thanks, Om, for reminding me of the big picture and the context.
i just wrote a post, a dead-end post. but i'm feeling a little better, so i'll tell you a story. i'm going to post the post, the dead-end, and then i'll back up a bit and get back on the road, and tell you a story. a little bit of context. it's a good story, or, at least, i like it. so here's the post i just wrote:
------
Emily, i'm not feeling all that great; and to be honest, i'm not feeling all that up to chatting about it. in short: i feel fractured. not in any new sort of way. the same fracture. same same same. only now it's more apparent to me. not that i'm feeling it, just that i can see it somewhere off in the distance. i'm annoyed at myself now for writing this, because of the questions that are raised by it, which i don't want to respond to. actually, i'm all right being irresponsible right now. i'm all right that i've been somewhat irresponsible the last few days. that's okay with me. i'm tired. i can't quite say, "don't worry, i'm here," because i'm outside somewhere; nothing more reassuring than, "it's clear that this is an important and necessary step, and a positive experience in the big picture." in the big picture. so, great, we can celebrate my growth. in the meantime i'll be shifting around a bit feeling fractured doing things like staring at the television screen asking myself, "where is it? where is it?" i'm referring to my desire. where's my desire? where is this whole part of myself with which i connect with the world? now is when i would be feeling it... so where is it?
-------
and here's the story:
so i believe you are all vaguely familiar with Dot -- the girl i met and fell for in tenth grade: my first crush (or, at least, the first crush of which i was aware). well, she and i never went out, and she wasn't terribly kind to me over the years, and we no longer speak (haven't for some years, i think). but once, i forget quite when, i was hanging out at her place and she was getting ready to go to a party. not my kind of scene-- and i wasn't invited, anyway. i was sitting on her bed looking around her flooded room, as i usually would when there, and suddenly she walked in the room wearing a green dress. i had never seen her in a dress before, or much of anything beside jeans and a hoodie. i was taken aback. i remember the feeling, something like sexual desire, i imagine. i felt this pull, this... yeah, this hunger. i wanted to touch her, i wanted to grab her, to close upon the separation. of course, i was much too paralyzed to even kiss her back then, so i kept still and played cool. later i went home thinking heavily on that green dress, and lying in bed i lapsed into fantasy... only, the fantasy was itself of fantasy. i'm not sure how clear i can be about it-- i was fantasizing about fantasizing about Dot. that was the closest i could get back to that desire... to long to feel it again. i wrote a long messy poem, which ended:
Nothing could be worse than
keeping myself awake
fantasizing
about being able
to have a particular
fantasy.
not my best lines; nevertheless i was excited to come back across them a few months ago, and last night they popped back into my mind. fantasizing about being able to have a particular fantasy.
before this memory was brought up in my mind, i was sitting on my couch watching Top Chef. i hadn't watched in a few weeks, so i let myself get caught up. in one episode the host, Padma Lakshmi, attended the wedding ceremony at the focus of the show wearing a red dress that fit much as Dot's green dress had fit. i was a bit stunned, and did indeed stand up and walk towards the tv screen asking myself, "where is it? where is it?" but... i couldn't find it. i couldn't feel it. i remembered that moment with Dot, and then several moments since them, including some recent experiences. all of these moments: glimpses, flashes. but where is it, really? it's not just this limited experience, seeing a woman and feeling some "hunger." no, no. it's much bigger than that-- a whole part of my experience, a big chunk of my connection with the world, just gone, hidden behind some veil of fear. but what fear? where is the fear? even to feel the fear would be to experience some semblance of wholeness. meanwhile i am fractured. i cannot even feel the fear that hides me from my sexuality. "i'd like to be a lover," i wrote, "but i fear that has no meaning."
so where am i? i am wherever it is -- my desire, my sexuality, my fear -- right here, somewhere.
Thank you for just letting me know where you are. You are there, even if you don't know the meaning of the where. I am just sitting with you; sitting and thinking about you. I feel you: this state of feeling everything, but feeling nothing. I am just simply thinking about you, your pain and fear, and showering you with my friendship.
It sounds, from your post, that you are right where you need to be, and that confronting your desire, sexuality, fear, is going to move you in ways you never thought possible.
It is courageous to be looking at it, sitting with it, and sharing it here. thank you. you inspire me to look at my own as well.
"Did I, when I had the chance, give him the best of myself? What is my role now and going forward? Is there a place for me?"
that you did a damn good job, especially given the challenges you and Emily have shared you were beset with. These last two questions are really quite beautiful and especially so because now you can actually ask the man himself (sorry, Emily, no more "young boy" :) In fact, addressing the second question regarding your role now with Noah guarantees a place for you, necessarily since questioning itself is a fundamental act of participation.
How blessed you are. We all thank you for bringing Noah to us, flu and all.
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Jesus! Can we try to maintain some level of decency around here?
I'm going to go chat with the microwave...
SPEAKING ABOUT DEATH
Speaking about death, a friend sent me this video clip this morning about a professor who is dying. Would love to hear everyone's take on it.
Death
Death. Thank you Om for sharing this lecture. It is exactly what I needed to listen to today. It came as a great gift. Death and loss have once again been at the forefront of my thoughts.
There are so many changes going on in my life and death always plays a part in all these shifts, which, I know are only a prelude for the larger one that will one day come.. And the question is, as it always is, how to live fully and happily and without fear. The retreat that I am going to in July is totally focused on this. I feel the waves of emotions building – the forces of love and loss that are the center of my practice and my growing devotion to find the place in myself that is my true home and where these feelings can rest calmly.
Last night, I fell apart. It occurred to me that Noah’s graduation from college is as great a change for me as Anya leaving for Smith in the fall. He is about to take a giant step further into the world and each time one of my beloved make that leap deeper into their own lives, I enter into a new stream of emotion. It is another huge letting go. I was thinking about how some children never leave, stay in the same city as their parents, stay close. In so many ways, I would love that, and at the same time, in my heart, I would not. I know that one has to leave to discover. I pushed for Noah and Anya to leave ( as I was quietly crying in my room). I pushed for them to search, to find out who they are in a completely new context from where they come from. It was something that I was not encouraged to do and something that I couldn’t let myself do because of the burden of my parent’s sorrow, I took upon my own shoulders. So in choosing to have children, I knew from the moment they entered the world, it was my job, to let them go. It was the only way for there to be real love between us.
I see this new period, when Noah, will be far away, as another shattering of the bit of illusion that I cling to: that I, as mother, can jump in and protect him from all the sorrows and dangers in life. Every step of the way for me, from the time he and Anya were little, was a process of learning to listen to the call of their lives. It is filled with so much sweet sadness as it is with such profound awe.
Then last night, I had a dream. I woke up crying. I woke Arnold so he could hold me. The dream was about Arnold and me (although it could have very well been about Noah). Arnold and I were traveling together. We were in a large inner courtyard in a foreign country. We were heading outdoors into the sunlight, where it was safe for foreigners, but Arnold was drawn to the stairs leading to a view of the courtyard from a balcony. It was beautiful up there but not without risk. I begged him not to go, but he said he would only go for a moment. He had to see it. As he was climbing up a man was descending rapidly and told Arnold, “Get out of here now.” But Arnold having gone that far, had to stop and lean over the balcony to look. At that moment a man rushed past him and stabbed him in the back of the neck. As Arnold fell forward he looked at me. His hands were held out as if to say, “See all this beauty.” The smile faded from his face as he looked at me with sadness and whispered, “I am sorry.”
I woke up frightened. I woke up in touch with all my love for Arnold, for Noah and Anya and for all of you. In the dream I saw the need for all of us to take the risks that we must take to feed our lives and our souls.
And then, after seeing the lecture, I realized that at this listening, there was one thing that helped me right now. It was the moment when Ron talked about being a good parent. About helping your children explore their dreams.
That made me smile and it makes cry. I can say, “ I am a good mother.” I have always wanted my children to live their dreams, despite the tears that flow in my hearts. To me, this is unconditional love. To me, this is the only way to really live the meaning of mother.
I can not stop crying today. But I am not unhappy. The sun is glorious. And my tears make my life grow.
blessed
Emily, I have told you this but I want to say it again here: I love you so much. You give so much to those who you touch. You are light, and I am have been blessed by our friendship.
THE DEATH OF EMILY
and what a beautiful death it is. This will go down as a favorite post of mine, Emily. Thank you for sharing your struggle for freedom. I have had many deaths in this life and each one further (en)lightening my egoic load. To be out of one's own way is the true path of freedom; it is the lifting of the veil of fear, as I said. Each death (including our actual passing on) is a celebration, a portal to the lightness of being, unbearable not because it is heavy to bear, but because it has no weight to bear at all. Each time I sit I am almost immediately reminded of the nature of this weight we hold onto. And, there it goes, dissolves because it is nothing but illusion. Om Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Boddhi svaha-- Beyond Beyond, Beyond the Beyond, Totally Beyond the Beyond, Awakening, So Be It.
I have an interesting take on your exquisite dream. I don't think it has anything to do with Arnold or Noah-- sorry guys :) I think it is all you, Em, and you are seeking freedom in the beautiful death of ego. In fact, you interpreted your own dream in the previous paragraph:
"It was something that I was not encouraged to do and something that I couldn’t let myself do because of the burden of my parent’s sorrow, I took upon my own shoulders."
Are you ready to let go? Go ahead, climb the stairway to heaven, but this time really let go-- let go of Arnold, Anya, Noah, your parents, Izzy, your memories, your sufferings, Mr Plumbean, your guilt-- and most of all, let go of the you that needs a match under her ass. Into the light goes Emily, flying away beyond, beyond beyond, beyond the beyond, totally beyond the beyond... oops, I forgot my socks.
Nico - again about Mother's Day
I admit that I am so hesitant to say very much about what you described at your mother's day. I do not live it as part of the family nor have all the years of emotion and trauma that you have from what you suffered. But I keep coming back to it - imaging myself as a guest at the table and hearing your mother yelling at your grandmother. I keep asking myself what I would have said, where I might have entered in a compassionate non-threatening way. I would have had to say something. I probably would have said to your mother that I could see how hard it was to care for someone who was so dependent and how it brought her, as it did others, to their limits. Then I would have asked how I might of service to her. I would do this, not expecting to make a difference - for I could imagine that for her, stuck in all her negativity, that she would only see negativity. But I would have helped myself by acknowledging what I had seen, by being a compassionate witness and being true to myself.
I am honestly saying this, more for me, than for you. It is in my bones to be an advocate for older people and I am so sensitive to how they are mistreated. I am really calling out into the darkness, in a sense, saying to your grandmother, that I see and that I am sorry.
And again, I am so sorry. Perhaps, one day, you will tell you mom, that if she is going to act in a certain way, that you can not stay. There is no hope of change if one person does not push the first dominoe.
I have so much respect for you for bringing your anger to the surface where you are looking and looking.
Em, all the points that you
Em, all the points that you make are right on. They reflect many of the thoughts I am processing right now. I really appreciate your empathy for my grandmother and me, even my mother. The hardest part for me is getting the tone of my protest right. I get so angry sometimes, that I fear it warps all my other sensibilities. So I keep quiet most of the time, fearing that if I do say something I will explode in anger. Which is far from the case, I imagine, but I fear my words will hurt my mom. And what makes it worse, is all the sacrifice and care she gives my grandmother - only to turn around and be so mean.
I have really tried to understand her psychology the past 2 days. I have tried to understand how she could be so caring and thoughtful one moment and then so mean and cruel, and just crazy, the next. And then act as if everything is normal. I imagine she has never felt safe in relationships - she comes from a devout family of catholics (my aunt was a nun) who are so far from their feelings they could not recognize them most days. With her everything in her apartment has to be perfect. If you ever went to dinner at their place, you would find the table set, the food served, everything structured and planned. Maybe this control makes up for the larger things she feels powerless against. And my grandmother not doing what she wants her to do, goes upsets her order of things. Though I remember her wanting my and sister me to be and act certain ways. The tiniest deviation could set her off. She has no proportion, and I can't understand why? Again, her whole side of the family is fucked up. Her oldest brother (my uncle) is the most normal and he was considered the black sheep in the family, yet he always seemed the happiest to me.
But I do think I will have to set some limits with her and that will be the tough part. Anyway, thanks for revisiting this. I look forward to seeing the new bag on the 24th.
the other side
Ever meet someone whose view of the world is so far, so different, from your own, who can explain it so well, who can take you into seeing through their eyes, through an explanation that begins to "make sense" from within its own view... you see the shapes, but they don't look anything like what you would name them as, you feel the necessity of the vision that holds that world together in its own way, like a force. You feel the tremendous force holding it all together.
I imagine if Dante had gone on his journey without a guide. What he would have seen, how he would have interpreted these strange sights without the skills of reason and perspective that Virgil gave to his seeing. Would he have seen anything at all? Would he have been able to recognize meaning or form in the shapes and sounds? Would there have even been shapes and sounds or would there not have been a journey to speak of?
To speak of is to give language to, to see the form arising and tell the meaning. Meanings are tethered to others, as language is a uni-verse. Every utterance is connected to its origin in another form, a feeling or sense drawing up even from the depths and darkness of spaces that seem to have no language but they do and this is it, this form as we see it now and feel it now. There is always sense (and this is the certainty that Dante meets as he goes deeper and deeper, and Virgil reassures him of this). Therefore, he seems to tell his charge, there is nothing to fear. All is held in the grace of Logos, (i.e. interconnectedness and dependent origination, for our lovely readers).
Seeing through Tony's eyes is like meeting someone from the other side of a life I have never ever known. How can I hold you if I cannot recognize you? No, not all of you, I do recognize so much, but parts of you, parts that you tell me that take me to that edge of credulity. Do I try to fit you into my paradigm? Do I let go a little at the edges of my paradigm to feel you and keep feeling you? (I already have vastly wide edges, so to get me to a boundary there is already pretty astonishing).
You take me down into places into verdicts I will never make, and they are everything to you. I have heard of them before, these types of verdicts, but have never felt them from a living being who actually believed them. You hold so true to them, I cannot shake you free. Where is your creator? Where is your flow? Yet you flow here in this world of your verdicts, in a world in which I would find it hard to breathe, actually, in a world that does not exist to me at all for it is incomplete.. it is only a partial world which ends at the verdict.
And yet you feel so real to me. You challenge me to see your world through a necessity I have never felt, a necessity to never back down, to never show weakness. But perhaps you are just here, and all this mind you give me is just your story. I can hold the story. I can let go of the story.
I let go of the story, of your story, which you are asking me to enter so I may see you, so you can be seen, feel recognized. And I do it to feel myself, recognize myself there too. I accept your story like a dream, so I can find you, feel you, in the dark, to approach, draw near, and then I let go of the story and am just here with you. I let go of the story.
Because it feels to me like a nightmare, but you do not.
There are some strange forms in that dream, people I would never want to accidentally cross. Where is forgiveness in your story? Who brings the water to your parched lips? You are thirsty. Do you drink blood instead?
You thrive on tremendous self-discipline and self-care, dominating your environment with ease. You live by a code of honor that is clear to you, there are no grey areas. With women it is different; you seem to desire the water from them, but it comes with conditions, with pieces of tar and rust. You try to set the conditions, to filter out the rust and tar, but the water stops flowing because you have raised a dam instead of allowing yourself to walk up to a purer source.
You draw from the grace of the sense you have made and it sustains you as you slowly slowly open, as we all do, to the uncertain future.
There is water in blood.
There are holes in your theory.
And that is grace.
In these words Dante reads on the gates of hell,
I read the promise that in no mind is there salvation,
but there is the justice and love of meaning:
THROUGH ME YOU ENTER INTO THE CITY OF WOES
THROUGH ME YOU ENTER INTO ETERNAL PAIN
THROUGH ME YOU ENTER THE POPULATION OF LOSS
JUSTICE MOVED MY HIGH MAKER, IN POWER DIVINE
WISDOM SUPREME, LOVE PRIMAL. NO THINGS WERE
BEFORE NOT ETERNAL; ETERNAL I REMAIN.
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE.
THE OTHER SIDE OF CATERINA
The word that comes to mind when reading your post is: astonished. I am astonished. L. extonare, to thunder. I am thunderstruck by this taste of clarity into the looking of another’s looking. And to invoke your teacher, Dante, was brilliant. Why? Because, for one of so many examples, in Purgatorio (most appropriately!), Canto XVII, an angel gives Dante, the pilgrim, directions (notice La Lluce-- The Light).
“As sleep is broken, when of a sudden the new light strikes the closed eyes, and, broken, quivers ere it wholly dies, so my imagining fell down, soon as a light, greater by far than that to which we are accustomed, struck my face. I turned me to see where I was, when a voice said, "Here is the ascent;" which from every other object of attention removed me, and made my will so eager to behold who it was that was, speaking that it never rests till it is face to face. But, as before the sun which weighs down our sight, and by excess veils its own shape, so here my power failed. "This is a divine spirit who directs us, without our asking, on the way to go up, and with his own light conceals himself. He does for us as a man doth for himself; for he who sees the need and waits for asking, malignly sets himself already to denial. Now let us grant our feet to such an invitation; let us hasten to ascend ere it grows dark, for after, it would not be possible until the day returns." Thus said my Guide; and I and he turned our steps to a stairway. And soon as I was on the first step, near use I felt a motion as of wings, and a fanning on my face, and I heard said, "Beati pacifici,' who are without ill anger." (italics and highlights mine)
I use this example because it also recalls for me Emily’s dream (it’s right there, Em!!!). We are all on a pilgrimage and, in a way, guiding each other. Not in the formal sense of guiding, where we need a specific type of guide (teacher); but, rather, we mirror for each other the path to our respective ascents through the descending psychoanalytic stairs of deconstruction and reconstruction and emotional and intellectual freedom-- in the form of a celebration of individuality and autonomy—and back up again through the silence and contemplative effortless efforts and intention of meditation practice. In the analytic is the dismantling and breaking down in order to understand the parts, and in the contemplative aspects of synthesizing (integrating) the parts into greater wholes of perspective. To do this, as Caterina has realized, we have to push up against our own edges to greater understand how difference is nothing more than a veil of ignorance clouded by fear. To move beyond judgment towards understanding is not only the task of analysis, it is an even more vital task in spiritual development, because it engenders compassion. No true compassion, no enlightenment. To fail to understand difference as illusion is to lack true compassion.
But, here’s the rub. Understanding does not mean making the choice to create an enduring romantic relationship. Instead, it is the inverse: making a choice to create a enduring romantic relationship needs to emerge out of an understanding of our psychological and spiritual needs. We choose the best partner for that purpose. Of course, it’s the most difficult task in many ways, because we can’t know ourselves that well. That’s why we practice. That’s why a bad relationship could be better than no relationship. If you are on the path, it will teach you, no doubt. It will most likely kick your ass.
The tendency to judge Caterina comes from our fear of difference and our sense of helplessness to the fires she is drawn to ostensibly like a moth. You see, ostensibly is the key word. Ostendere, “in front of.” We, in our judgments, see only the surface layer of Caterina’s heuristic leaps into intimacy. If we our honest and admit it, we have to then say we don’t trust her. We don’t trust her judgment, we don’t trust her ability to navigate the relationship and we don’t trust that she won’t get hurt. And that could make us critical and anger with Caterina at times. What I think is finally so beautiful is that she gets that. She finally understands that people are going to judge, not because they don’t love and care about her, but because they don’t fully understand. Who could possibly have understood Dante? Dante often didn’t understand Dante, at least, not until he did. And that is true for any seeker entering the flame of truth: we don’t immediately understand what our intuition hurls us into. Though we KNOW we must be hurled. If we have cultivated enough compassion and self-awareness, there’s a good chance we won’t fuck up too badly and, indeed, there’s an even greater chance we will transcend the very veil of ignorance that causes us to suffer. We learn, more than all else, that passivity is the only failure, the refusal to enter the flame. For it is only in the flame where we will find true power, wisdom and love. And the flame speaks:
THROUGH ME YOU ENTER INTO THE CITY OF WOES
THROUGH ME YOU ENTER INTO ETERNAL PAIN
THROUGH ME YOU ENTER THE POPULATION OF LOSS
JUSTICE MOVED MY HIGH MAKER, IN POWER DIVINE
WISDOM SUPREME, LOVE PRIMAL. NO THINGS WERE
BEFORE NOT ETERNAL; ETERNAL I REMAIN.
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE.
this is beautiful, om, and
this is beautiful, om, and so compassionately composed. I have come back to this several times today, trying to understand it fully. There's so much to this it's almost too big for me to take in, but I know it is something I desperately need to understand. both nico and caterina confronted me this week around feeling judged by me when they have shared their feelings about something coming up in their relationships (with nico it was with his mom, and with cat, it was you know who). I know where some of it comes from (my fear of being abandoned is always the first place to look) and as your post describes, a lack of compassion, or inability to find it.
With Nico, I understand that his stuff with his Mom is very important and, having experienced those sterile organized dinners of perfect bountiful feasts accompanied by a glass of depression and anxiety, I get it. I have felt equally enraged by how his grandmother is treated. It's heart wrenching to see her so helplessly sequestered in that bedroom and hear her talk about how much she misses her country and her dead husband. I also know how much the relationship with Tony is healing for Cat. she is moving through something that is astounding. I want to be there for them both, but what is it that makes me say things that are so not helpful? to be fair to myself, I think both were feeling especially vulnerable and defensive, but that doesn't excuse me from not being present to their needs.
I have to think about this some more, because I'm not finding the words either.
Thank you so much, Camila.
Thank you so much, Camila. Your awareness and struggle to understand makes me feel much more recognized by you. I hope you find the words you require.
YES, CAMILA, THANK YOU, I AM SO FILLED WITH JOY
when I see you recognize you through the bumps and pot holes of your fear. Lift the veil of fear and compassion will guide you completely. Even if Nico is loathe to (s)mother.
caterina and the other side; in response to Om's post
"Understanding does not mean making the choice to create an enduring romantic relationship. Instead, it is the inverse: making a choice to create a enduring romantic relationship needs to emerge out of an understanding of our psychological and spiritual needs."
Well, this certainly shines a light on my own projections and fears. While, I am not involved in relationships that could lead to an enduring romantic one, since I am already at home in one - I do - how should I say it - find myself in conflict, in the spin, when I see other with the kind of clarity that Caterina describes, because in seeing, I am loving. And I something mistake loving for falling in love - where love has to be an act, instead of just love, just something that is; that requires nothing more than what it is.
EMILY, PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND
your post. I'm not sure what you're saying here. Thanks. Mmmwwhhhaaaa!
Wasn't too clear, now was
Wasn't too clear, now was I?
It really has to do with loving without expectation, without grasping, without expecting anything to happen. It has to do with being able to just sit with love and not demand anything from it, or have anything be demanded of me. It has to do with the burden of feeling loved ( love as need) and then feeling unable to give what others want or felel that I had already offered.
There is probably much more to this, but the I am only at the beginning of the beginning of the beginning of understanding pure love.
ONE MORE TIME, EM
"Understanding does not mean making the choice to create an enduring romantic relationship. Instead, it is the inverse: making a choice to create a enduring romantic relationship needs to emerge out of an understanding of our psychological and spiritual needs."
You commented on the above quote. I really want to understand why you chose this quote to comment on. When I read your comments, I understood them but wasn't finding a connection to this quote.
I'm not sure I can do
any better at the moment. Perhaps I am being too abstract. I have a tendency to think "I am in love," with someone because I see him or her. I tend to think because I see someone, I have to do something more to show or express my love. That seeing, that understanding, means a larger committment. Your quote spoke to me because I see that understanding does not mean that a relationship needs to go someplace else. Sometimes, I really get people. I feel them. Sense their deepest pain. I can respond so clearly. But sometimes in doing that I take on the burden of their expectations ( my parents). They want more. And sometimes there is no more, just what is. At that point, I must make a choice about the level of my involvement. It is a choice, I see, about the extent in which I enter into a relationship. It is a choice as to whether I will feel guilty for giving only what I have to give and not what others expect me to keep on giving. Does that make sense?
EM, IT MAKES SENSE NOW
“But sometimes in doing that I take on the burden of their expectations ( my parents). They want more. And sometimes there is no more, just what is. At that point, I must make a choice about the level of my involvement. It is a choice, I see, about the extent in which I enter into a relationship. It is a choice as to whether I will feel guilty for giving only what I have to give and not what others expect me to keep on giving.”
This is what I was referring to in relation to your dream yesterday. Shaking off the accommodation from the compassion to give compassion free flight into freedom (nonattachment). When faced with other people’s wants, we must always ask the question, what is the most compassionate thing to do? Our wisdom will guide us. Loss or contamination of one’s own psychological and spiritual development must not occur.
A Dream
I have left class early. I feel sick and I'm looking for the train. It finally occurs to me to try the station beneath my dad's former office building. The building looks unfamiliar and I spend a good deal of time wandering its empty corridors and riding in elevators before I find the tracks and board the train. The season is spring.
The train departs. Everything inside is bright sky blue. The car is reminiscent of DC metro cars, with large glass windows and spacious individual seats. I open my physics notes--I am trying to read about "QCD" but my eyes are swollen and I'm having trouble making out the words. A woman with long brunette hair looks over my shoulder. I ask her to help me decipher my handwriting. She doesn't understand that much about quantum chromodynamics either and we can't really help each other. The train rocks rhythmically, the lights of the dark tunnel flash by. My eyes close.
I wake up. Beyond the window, countryside is rolling past--farm fields, rows of corn. It is early evening, the light is a strange graying blue. I have no idea where I am--I realize that I have slept past my stop and that the train route has changed since the last time I rode. I want to get home so that I can recover and return to class tomorrow. But we are far away from the city. By the lateness of the day, I have been asleep for a long time. I'm starting to feel anxious. I look for the women with the lovely brown hair but she is gone. There a few other people in my car; they look tense and worried. In hushed voices, a few of them are talking about the ride ahead, how dangerous it is to ride the tracks so far. I think about how extreme these people's commute is, how they live so far, farther than I want to go. Why aren't we making any stops? I want to get out and ride the other direction. But I resolve to ride the train to the end of the line, let it turn around. This is just the subway, it can't be much father... How far to the next stop, how far to the end of the line? No one seems to know. At least three hours, someone says, or maybe nine.
Outside, the open fields are thickening with bare trees. An icy rain begins to fall. It patters the windows. It's almost dark now and we are passing through strange suburban houses hidden in the forest. The branches of the trees are covered in ice and the train is lurching violently. I am starting to panic--I want to go back, to go home and rest. I decide to get up and make my way to the front of the train and talk to the conductor. Maybe he will help me, stop the train for me. All I need to do is explain my situation to him. The few strange passengers caution me about the dangers of trying to move around on such an icy stretch of track, but I am determined and make it up to the front.
The conductor sits reclined, his feet propped up on the dashboard. I say to him that I have overslept and missed my stop. I need help, I need to get off the train. I say, just let me off and I will find my own way back, I will ask someone in one of these houses to help me. Do it soon, before we are completely out of civilization. He laughs at me and asks me if I would like to have some coffee or tea with him. He doesn't seem to be listening to me. Don't you understand? I plead, all my fear rising up. Please let me off the train. Suddenly I feel completely out of control. What is happening to me? Why won't he listen? Do you understand me, need to get off the train! He laughs and asks if I take sugar.
THE WIZARD OF NOAH: NOAH'S POEM OF A DREAM
If one can be in love with a dream, I’m in love with this one. I think, however, without a context, the Beauty of this jewel will be lost. What I mean is that this is Noah’s dream in the same way that yesterday’s was Emily’s dream. The two dreams are remarkably aligned in both their struggle and aim, which is freedom. For Emily it is about her spiritual freedom and for Noah it is about his autonomy and emergence into adulthood. As far as I’m concerned, this is an archetypal male dream.
Noah, this dream is a poem. “The season is spring.” Is that not beautiful? It’s like a minimalist painting stripped of ornamentation to reveal its essence. And out of the pure form is this archetypal image of life, the spring of a man’s life pulling out of the station of his father’s office. Not his father’s home, but his father’s office. His father’s home is his office, for the “office” represents male autonomy, the old wanderlust motif. “The building looks unfamiliar and I spend a good deal of time wandering its empty corridors and riding in elevators before I find the tracks and board the train.” And “the train departs.” Another poem.
Why is this train departing from his father? Could it be Noah’s process of transformation, his cultivating self-awareness, the very vehicle of individuality and freedom? Perhaps, because it has “large glass windows and spacious individual seats.” Another male symbol arises: “I open my physics notes--I am trying to read about "QCD" but my eyes are swollen and I'm having trouble making out the words.” I’m sure if we scratch the symbolism of this quantum field theory, we would find ourselves journeying through an amazing landscape. Since quantum chromodynamics is a theory of forces and strong interactions of fundamental particles, for me it speaks to a very powerful male energy that Noah is perhaps trying to harness and which will serve him in his life pilgrimage. I believe this is also the most potentially destructive male quality as well. If the man cannot transform his fundamental energic force into intimacy and compassion, it will degenerate into the destructive elements of competition (as opposed to mastery), domination, and perverted power structures (eg, the Church, military, totalitarian political regimes, etc.); or its opposite—withdrawal and dissociation.
Interestingly, like many men seeking answers, Noah turns to a woman who necessarily can’t help him because she’s a woman! A woman cannot teach a man how to be a man. This is why there’s so much misogyny; in many broken homes, women raise sons, which potentially prevent the sons from forming fully into adults.
“The train rocks rhythmically, the lights of the dark tunnel flash by.” Another poem, this one on sexual intimacy. Beautiful. But, not a solution.
“I wake up. Beyond the window, countryside is rolling past--farm fields, rows of corn. It is early evening, the light is a strange graying blue.” Here comes the beginning of wanderlust, the excitement and terror of leaving home. “I realize that I have slept past my stop and that the train route has changed since the last time I rode. I want to get home so that I can recover and return to class tomorrow.” I’m sorry, my son, there is no returning home. You have had your lessons and have graduated. You are ready. But, he doesn’t yet trust it. “I'm starting to feel anxious. I look for the woman with the lovely brown hair but she is gone.”
And what is this anxiety about anyway? “how dangerous it is to ride the tracks so far….how extreme these people's commute is, how they live so far, farther than I want to go.”
Outside, the open fields are thickening with bare trees.
An icy rain begins to fall. It patters the windows.
It's almost dark now and we are passing through strange
suburban houses hidden in the forest. The branches of the trees
are covered in ice and the train is lurching violently. I am
starting to panic--I want to go back, to go home and rest.
And here in the dream’s denouement, Noah comes face to face with his guide who, up to this point, has been driving (conducting) the train (process). “Maybe he will help me, stop the train for me. All I need to do is explain my situation to him.” But, the conductor will have nothing to do with it; he “sits reclined, his feet propped up on the dashboard.” Or folded in sitting position.
“I need help, I need to get off the train…just let me off and I will find my own way back, I will ask someone in one of these houses to help me. Do it soon, before we are completely out of civilization. He laughs at me and asks me if I would like to have some coffee or tea with him. He doesn't seem to be listening to me. Don't you understand? I plead, all my fear rising up. Please let me off the train. Suddenly I feel completely out of control. What is happening to me? Why won't he listen? Do you understand me, I say, I need to get off the train! He laughs and asks if I take sugar.”
And Noah clicks his heels 3 times and says, “there’s no place like OM, there’s no place like OM, there’s no place like OM.” And, as his eyes open, he looks at the diploma in his hand, and reads: “At 10% interest over 15 years, you owe us $100,000.
a brilliant ride
Wow. What a brilliant ride (both Noah and Om). As a bit player in this drama that is Noah's, I have my own anxiety. Did I, when I had the chance, give him the best of myself? What is my role now and going forward? Is there a place for me? When children are young the need for their parents is so palpable. That need intoxicates the parents.
Emily and i always said that it was our task to facilitate his leaving us. It was easier to say that when he was bound to us. Now those connections are mostly broken and we are at yet another significant moment in that process. My intention has not changed, but it is not easy. There is part of me that wishes he could get on a returning train, and I know that it is impossible.
Thanks, Om, for reminding me of the big picture and the context.
James, James. James
Where are you? How are you?
MIA
i just wrote a post, a dead-end post. but i'm feeling a little better, so i'll tell you a story. i'm going to post the post, the dead-end, and then i'll back up a bit and get back on the road, and tell you a story. a little bit of context. it's a good story, or, at least, i like it. so here's the post i just wrote:
------
Emily, i'm not feeling all that great; and to be honest, i'm not feeling all that up to chatting about it. in short: i feel fractured. not in any new sort of way. the same fracture. same same same. only now it's more apparent to me. not that i'm feeling it, just that i can see it somewhere off in the distance. i'm annoyed at myself now for writing this, because of the questions that are raised by it, which i don't want to respond to. actually, i'm all right being irresponsible right now. i'm all right that i've been somewhat irresponsible the last few days. that's okay with me. i'm tired. i can't quite say, "don't worry, i'm here," because i'm outside somewhere; nothing more reassuring than, "it's clear that this is an important and necessary step, and a positive experience in the big picture." in the big picture. so, great, we can celebrate my growth. in the meantime i'll be shifting around a bit feeling fractured doing things like staring at the television screen asking myself, "where is it? where is it?" i'm referring to my desire. where's my desire? where is this whole part of myself with which i connect with the world? now is when i would be feeling it... so where is it?
-------
and here's the story:
so i believe you are all vaguely familiar with Dot -- the girl i met and fell for in tenth grade: my first crush (or, at least, the first crush of which i was aware). well, she and i never went out, and she wasn't terribly kind to me over the years, and we no longer speak (haven't for some years, i think). but once, i forget quite when, i was hanging out at her place and she was getting ready to go to a party. not my kind of scene-- and i wasn't invited, anyway. i was sitting on her bed looking around her flooded room, as i usually would when there, and suddenly she walked in the room wearing a green dress. i had never seen her in a dress before, or much of anything beside jeans and a hoodie. i was taken aback. i remember the feeling, something like sexual desire, i imagine. i felt this pull, this... yeah, this hunger. i wanted to touch her, i wanted to grab her, to close upon the separation. of course, i was much too paralyzed to even kiss her back then, so i kept still and played cool. later i went home thinking heavily on that green dress, and lying in bed i lapsed into fantasy... only, the fantasy was itself of fantasy. i'm not sure how clear i can be about it-- i was fantasizing about fantasizing about Dot. that was the closest i could get back to that desire... to long to feel it again. i wrote a long messy poem, which ended:
Nothing could be worse than
keeping myself awake
fantasizing
about being able
to have a particular
fantasy.
not my best lines; nevertheless i was excited to come back across them a few months ago, and last night they popped back into my mind. fantasizing about being able to have a particular fantasy.
before this memory was brought up in my mind, i was sitting on my couch watching Top Chef. i hadn't watched in a few weeks, so i let myself get caught up. in one episode the host, Padma Lakshmi, attended the wedding ceremony at the focus of the show wearing a red dress that fit much as Dot's green dress had fit. i was a bit stunned, and did indeed stand up and walk towards the tv screen asking myself, "where is it? where is it?" but... i couldn't find it. i couldn't feel it. i remembered that moment with Dot, and then several moments since them, including some recent experiences. all of these moments: glimpses, flashes. but where is it, really? it's not just this limited experience, seeing a woman and feeling some "hunger." no, no. it's much bigger than that-- a whole part of my experience, a big chunk of my connection with the world, just gone, hidden behind some veil of fear. but what fear? where is the fear? even to feel the fear would be to experience some semblance of wholeness. meanwhile i am fractured. i cannot even feel the fear that hides me from my sexuality. "i'd like to be a lover," i wrote, "but i fear that has no meaning."
so where am i? i am wherever it is -- my desire, my sexuality, my fear -- right here, somewhere.
James
Thank you for just letting me know where you are. You are there, even if you don't know the meaning of the where. I am just sitting with you; sitting and thinking about you. I feel you: this state of feeling everything, but feeling nothing. I am just simply thinking about you, your pain and fear, and showering you with my friendship.
Mamma MIA James
It sounds, from your post, that you are right where you need to be, and that confronting your desire, sexuality, fear, is going to move you in ways you never thought possible.
It is courageous to be looking at it, sitting with it, and sharing it here. thank you. you inspire me to look at my own as well.
ARNOLD, WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU KNEW
"Did I, when I had the chance, give him the best of myself? What is my role now and going forward? Is there a place for me?"
that you did a damn good job, especially given the challenges you and Emily have shared you were beset with. These last two questions are really quite beautiful and especially so because now you can actually ask the man himself (sorry, Emily, no more "young boy" :) In fact, addressing the second question regarding your role now with Noah guarantees a place for you, necessarily since questioning itself is a fundamental act of participation.
How blessed you are. We all thank you for bringing Noah to us, flu and all.
HEY JAMES!
We missed you!
Noah's poem
Oh my.
Om, I wrote to Noah earlier that I hoped that you would write about his dream.
What an amazing train ride the two of you took me on.
EMILY
Choo-choo ;)
Noah and Om
yes, that was an awesome ride!
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