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I see the scene that this photo describes with some distance: The mother reaching, the photographer/father behind and above her, the baby, the cord, the attentive adults, the radiant light. It is very self contained. It looks perfectly complete.
It reminds me of the moment of Noah's birth after his long struggle to be born. He looked beat up but determined. And for me, here is this new person to whom I am instantly completely committed to. No reservation. Nothing held back. How did it happen? Suddenly my life was in a different context. A pure pleasure unlike anything ever felt before.
That you have had some similar experience makes me happy and reconnects me to wonder.
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First, I am captivated by the enormity of the content, the experience of being born, of giving birth, of witnessing this moment from all the available possible perspectives (child, mother, father, doctor, nurses, aides, audience)... it's a little like Krishna revealing himself to Arjuna in Chapter 11 of the Bhagavad Gita... the multiplicity of perspectives is almost overwhelming.
But then instantly I feel held in that enormity (which seems "complete", as Arnold describes it) by the light and dark, by the hand reaching up as it to reach out and hold or protect him (I love we only see his backside, how we in life cannot see our own) and so my wonderment feels also assuaged, calmed by that gesture.
The light and dark also, immediately (it's a pretty immediate and overwhelming photo for me... at the same time incredibly still) recalls Renaissance paintings... maybe a Rembrandt, definitely a Caravaggio. Typical in these paintings would be a central feature of story, a focus that is of utmost importance... the conversion of St Paul or the beheading of someone, the kiss identifying Christ to the Roman guards. The audience looks on the event each with a diverse aspect, facial expression, each totally unique, contained in their personal experience, each tangibly connecting to the central story, re-iterating the emotion we feel, each telling more of the whole story, but also somehow falling short (as we also do) of grasping the energetic or sublime significance of the event. Whether it is that they do fail (of course they do not) or the painter does, or emotion cannot contain or expression cannot or representation cannot (and emotional expression on face and gesture does not contain) the feeling, the awe, wonderment, significance. The power of this of course is that it heightens our - the viewer's - experience of how awesome this moment is. And in grasping that height emotionally, we enter the experience of the wonderment that we already intuitively know. It is the power of rhetoric to sustain a feeling alongside of an idea that you already intuitively perceive.
And the hand of the mother reaches up as it to say it's ok.
It's ok.
You've made it. You're here already.
The miracle is this, and you're here.
I fucking love this photo so much I can't stand it.
In Rembrandt’s `The Night Watch,’ like the mother giving birth in this photo, there is an interplay of light and shadow. Once noticed, its essentiality is revealed. In both the painting and photo, it is the shadow that reveals the hand’s reach and depth. There are shadows all around us, and it is through the shadows of world, impermanence and change, that life emerges, moment to moment. Shadow and light, though having secret lives, are inseparable from experience and, in a fundamental way, cause experience.
I chose this photo because it is, paradoxically, impersonal, and so, universal. The mother’s hand is the archetypal hand of a priestess blessing the child on the altar of birth. She is both literally and metaphorically giving birth. She is the feminine giving blood for life, opening to the world its potentiality for love. It is only by virtue of opening that life can exist. Opening as emotional awareness is the gift of psychic and relational life. The feminine intuitively knows this. And she is surrounded by other women, one smiling, one holding her heart, and one holding the newborn, a boy, bent over as if prostrating. And the white-lit umbilical corded helix connects the infant to life, which literally is the mother, and now the world.
What will become of this boy who now, surrounded by the feminine, has to face a violent, imbalanced world, where the same blood, now below him, will spill from above, across landscapes of poverty and genocide, war and isolation, mostly from the hands of men? Will this boy hold the light, his father asks, one hand over his face in tears, and the other supporting the mother’s head? The chaos and beauty of birth before him he sees, but the awareness of the uncertainty and responsibility both he and the boy have is also present. The father sees before him the past, the shadows of war his own father got swallowed into, and the family he destroyed. The secret life of shadow is always present and inseparable from the light that gives us hope. But, the hope must be a living hope, an active, never-tiring hope cultivated as practice, as mindfulness, compassion, wisdom, and lovingkindness. It must be lived out there in the world. The mother and father are about to release the son into the world. The father is about to cut the cord and, as the cord falls, the light and shadow continue to shift.
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Hi Om, I love yours and Merleau-ponty's formulation of emotions being a way into and beyond things/ourselves. I just got back from a sort of workshop type deal with Mark Epstein and Sharon Salzberg; the attendance was predominately therapists and social workers interested in bridging Buddhist psychology and psychoanalytic practice. This is obviously not only your forte Om, but something we have discussed here on the blog with, frankly, a significantly greater degree of (radical) inquiry than I felt was happening at this event. That aside, both Mark and Sharon shared a few gems of clarity in language and insight, one of which brought me back to our recent discussion.
I believe it was actually Salzberg who said, roughly, that by and large we tend to direct our attention to the object toward which our emotions are directed, instead of the experience of the emotion itself. As in attending to the fantasy of a new car instead of the sensation of desiring itself.
In a certain sense this is totally obvious and not at all a novel thought, and yet the simplicity and clarity of the statement really resonated with me and helped focus a whole thought process I've been having for some time. Because with such a simple (though radical) redirection of attention, the ground of presence is completely altered. It is not just a matter of plain observation, but active inquiry and investigation into the experience of emotion that really makes the difference.
You write, "when we experience a feeling, for example, something else, a thought, quickly takes over, which makes it difficult to identify what the feeling is; which, in turn, makes it difficult to relate to the feeling, and what the arising of that feeling is in relation to or dependent on." I'd probably experience that thought as a kind of fixation on whatever I've identified as the externality precipitating the emotion. And when the focus of attention is on that object, in my experience there often results a state of confusion, which leads either to regrettable action or (more likely) paralysis.
But if I make that most basic of change of focus (which I am now able to articulate as that single, simple step) something amazing happens. In a sense it is as if the whole stance subtly changes from one of defensiveness and confusion to one of curiosity and innocence. What I really mean by innocence is a willingness to be free of (or perhaps inherent freedom from) presumption. This is the place from which judgment is perceived as such.
Anger is actually the most interesting to me because toward the object or situation I will feel both a deep aversion (hate, rejection, defensiveness, desire to destroy), in which I find fear; but simultaneously, a genuine impulse toward, a desire to break down or penetrate a barrier of understanding, a need to contact and know in intimacy, to offer and receive recognition in relation. I encounter the latter in the deepest sense of anger, belied by frustration and easily transmuted into fear.
I just connected this in my mind recently, but its actually quite amazing to me because as it turns out, I experience anger to be rooted in and energized by deep caring! This is almost totally obvious, yet without that basic shift of attention and interest, from the object to the energy by which it is perceived, it is a difficult insight to experience. But in my mind, only after re(cognizing;) in this way are we able to act well through anger, but out of caring.
In some way this suggests to me the color and obliqueness you were speaking to and the openness inherent in feeling into feeling. As the light changes, so too the color.
NOAH: … in bridging Buddhist psychology and psychoanalytic practice…. we have discussed here on the blog with, frankly, a significantly greater degree of (radical) inquiry than I felt was happening at this event.
OM: Noah, I really loved this post for the clarity you bring to understanding just how a relatively (which is ultimately, a radical) small perceptual shift in focus can be the difference between suffering and a peaceful mind. With that said, I would like to speculate on what you thought makes our (the blog) “inquiry” into “Buddhist psychology” and psychoanalytic practice more “radical” then Mark and Sharon’s seminar. If I am correct, Mark and Sharon had begun their paths as Buddhists (I’m certain this is true for Mark) and then incorporated depth-centered psychology into their practices; rather than, as in my case, for example, my path was exclusively psychoanalytically driven and, only later, did my affinity for Buddhist philosophy and meditation practice take hold. I can’t say for sure that this difference would influence both the language we use to metamorphize mind and its relationship to world, and what we focus on in that particular inquiry; but I intuitively feel (as well as, from what I have read) that both the language and the focus of inquiry is distinctly different. For example, if we start from a psychoanalytic perspective, a tremendous amount of historical clinical analysis has focused on the self, either psychobiologically through drives and impulses related to fantasy, on the object relations constituting the self, or any number of variations between the two. Further, the objective of the psychoanalytic mode is to strengthen the self, cohering it in such a way as to enable it to adapt better in the relational world. Even if you are “postmodernly”
Inclined and take, for example, a radical social constructivist clinical and theoretical stance, and thus deconstruct the whole notion of self and its cultural ties, as a therapist you will generally remain in the dualism of self/object reality. This, in and of itself, I feel is, if not a good, than a useful thing because it contextualizes western psychology in ways that help it hone in on the rubs and snags of psychological and spiritual development (eg, psychological ruptures affecting one’s state of mind). One way, for example, is to understand the psychological development of selfhood in western culture and thus gaining a greater phenomenological view of `why’ self fails to develop beyond selfhood. Though the vast majority of therapy in our culture is unaware and therefore holding a preconceived belief in the “reality” of self, when indeed we integrate the unqualifiable wisdom of Buddhist philosophy with an open and yet robust psychoanalytic methodology, that “reality” is qualified as conventional existence, not as ultimate reality. This is simply nonduality and, in my opinion, it is impossible to study self properly without the philosophical rigor of Buddhism or another form of nondual philosophy. It’s like climbing a mountain; the higher the elevation you reach, the greater the perspective. An object (such as the self) appears differently when height (or depth) is achieved. And the difference is its fundamental lack of self-existence. That is what we have been inquiring on the blog.
NOAH: I believe it was actually Salzberg who said, roughly, that “by and large we tend to direct our attention to the object toward which our emotions are directed, instead of the experience of the emotion itself.”
OM: Great point and, as you have shared and quoted, I specifically addressed this in my last post: "when we experience a feeling, for example, something else, a thought, quickly takes over, which makes it difficult to identify what the feeling is; which, in turn, makes it difficult to relate to the feeling, and what the arising of that feeling is in relation to or dependent on."
To address this dilemma, the conventional therapeutic approach would help the patient to better understand her emotions and the belief systems that perpetuate emotional pain. Further, the therapist might help the patient develop better strategies to help regulate emotions and therefore behavior.
The Buddhist psychologist would likely, as Sharon and Mark explained, help the patient stay focused on the feeling and work to transform the negative feeling into a positive one that would foster more compassion. In this way, it feels more cognitive than affect- (emotion) and relationally-based.
What I so thoroughly love about psychoanalytic inquiry is the sheer aesthetic beauty of its process and how it honors the comprehensibility and reach of the human psyche. Freeing mind from all negative afflictive emotions is a monumental many-lifetime process. The better we understand the totality of mind as “an embodied and relational process,” with significant historically determined structures, the better prepared and equipped we are to thoroughly dismantle its hold on individual consciousness.
Now, specifically addressing your point, which is one of redirecting attention to one’s feelings, rather than on the object of one’s feelings. In order to thoroughly reach that node of understanding (where one can actually redirect her attention), a rigorous and committed therapeutic process (which may not necessarily be called “therapy”) of inquiry or interrogation must take place. Then, if one has reached the level of understanding to contextually redirect attention, as you say, “the ground of presence is completely altered. It is not just a matter of plain observation, but active inquiry and investigation of the experience of emotion that really makes the difference. ”
That's correct Om, Mark came to psychiatry after immersing himself in Buddhist psychology; Sharon isn't really psychoanalytically oriented at all, as far as I can tell, and focuses more on the therapeutic benefits and practice of meditation, somewhat absent (at least explicitly) the philosophical and mythological underpinnings.
I feel like Mark would agree with your assessment of psychoanalysis in relation to Buddhist psychology, and as you stated, it is indeed our focus on the nature of self when viewed from greater perspectives that makes the discussion here feel more "radical."
What I see as the big difference, if not in their personal views then at least in how they presented yesterday, is that though they addressed Sunyata or Emptiness, and specifically the lack of inherently existing self, they treated it as sort of an advanced philosophical position probably beyond the ken of the lecture, as opposed to a foundational and inevitable perspective from which the psychoanalytic process is contextualized and examined (by way of Buddhist wisdom).
Though they didn't say it this directly or with this particular language, the extent to which they went and what I took from it, was more or less as follows: The self is relational process which does exist nominally, as a conventional realty, but not inherently as an ultimately realty. And so if we are going to speak psychologically we can speak about the self and its development as usual, but if we want to speak more ontologically or spiritually, we will speak about the self in terms of its emptiness, or the fact that it is not actually imputed from its own side. The latter is important, indeed the relational nature of self is key to psychotherapy, but it may or may not be necessary for you to understand non-self and its a pretty complicated issue anyway.
Here is where I find that attitude to be unsatisfying: It seems to me that the very fact that from a psychoanalytic perspective we are already taking the self as a process occurring by and through relation portends the absence of inherent, independent self-existence. In the same way that through deep and earnest investigation of the appearance of causality, we find an opening to recognizing emptiness, the fact that the psychoanalytic process works in the first place suggests to me the non-inherent self. That is, if we choose to examine the ontological context in which psychoanalysis is possible to begin with, which has always been a cornerstone of the discussion here.
In a way this is always the most important component for me, without which the whole project seems to lose its footing. Psychological development seems not only a natural opening into spiritual development, but also necessarily contextualized by it. And so the ontological understanding of the self, in a real integration of the two disciplines, is not some esoteric philosophical point. It is the integrating perspective.
I did get the sense from Epstein that he would agree with this, and probably brought this directly into his engagement with psychoanalysis, so I'm not totally sure why it wasn't more front and center. He probably goes more into it in his books, which I haven't read. But I do see your point, that the therapeutic process necessarily precedes the more subtle (and radical) shifts of awareness involved in spiritual development, so while these more global inquiries may be very important to me, they aren't necessarily helpful to a room full of therapists looking to develop their clinical skills.
NOAH: Here is where I find that attitude to be unsatisfying: It seems to me that the very fact that from a psychoanalytic perspective we are already taking the self as a process occurring by and through relation portends the absence of inherent, independent self-existence. In the same way that through deep and earnest investigation of the appearance of causality, we find an opening to recognizing emptiness, the fact that the psychoanalytic process works in the first place suggests to me the non-inherent self. That is, if we choose to examine the ontological context in which psychoanalysis is possible to begin with, which has always been a cornerstone of the discussion here.
OM: Noah, I find your formulation to be quite satisfying! Unfortunately, what is obvious to you, me, and, it seems, most people here on the blog, is that “from a psychoanalytic perspective we are already taking the self as a process [yes!!!] occurring by and through relation portends the absence of inherent, independent existence.” Now, even if we weren’t deeply immersed in psychoanalytic theories, the basic notion of interiority, the keystone of psychoanalysis, logically leads to the fundamental question: What is self? I have honestly never understood how one is possible to study psychoanalysis without including its philosophical (ontological) base. Just to remind ourselves, the ontological refers to the level of being, or reality we are exploring; such as, for example, body, mind, or spirit. If we view psychotherapy from the narrow perspective of body, or even mind, we are limited by the fragmentation such a view inherits. We view the individual, not as a process of interconnectedness, as Noah argues, but as an isolated, separate entity having a divided mind. Anyone who is intimately engaged in relationships or has a better understanding of the quantum nature of matter, has to question, not only why we stay stuck in this dualistic paradigm, but how it’s possible to ignore the radical relativity of this “thing” called self. In the real world of perceptual experience, for example, we do not experience self, other, and world separately; they all coextend and co-arise together. So, in treating patients, whether you use this unique expressive language or not, by isolating self in your own mind, you are creating a hollow, sterile, unintimate therapeutic experience. The dynamic, messy as it is, must stay alive! and the process must remain fluid. A very simple example: Two therapists, both addressing a patient who is resisting the therapeutic process. One shrink says, “So, how is therapy going?” The other shrink says, “What’s going on here in our relationship?” Now, this may sound inconsequential, but the subtle shift in emphasis from the abstract category of therapy completely robs the relationship of its over-spilling nature. The second shrink is living the process and so is able to go ontologically!!! deeper into the meanings of (and thus, interrogate) “selfhood.” Cool, right? :) Here’s another cool example. My newborn infant son loves the boobie and I have quickly learned, when he’s in my arms, the boobie dance. Now, viewing him and myself as relationship or process, rather than two separate beings, helps me to understand not only how vital mommy’s boobie is; but also how important the transitional period is between daddy’s arms and mommy’s boobie. My soothing him (ha!) makes the boobie that much more blissful and integrative.
NOAH: In a way this is always the most important component for me, without which the whole project seems to lose it’s footing. Psychological development seems not only a natural opening into spiritual development, but also necessarily contextualized by it. And so the ontological understanding of the self, in a real integration of the two disciplines, is not some esoteric philosophical point. It is the integrating perspective.
OM: the “integrating perspective’ is the vital point here. Integration (integrare, L. for “to make whole”) means, not so much making an ultimate whole out of parts, but rather: every whole is a part of a larger whole ad infinutm. There is no ultimate One, but a whole fused web of interrelatedness existing and dependent upon infinite causes and conditions. As such, we may very loosely consider Buddhist philosophy/practice and psychoanalytic process as a complementary methodological inquiry into the nature of self, and so, reality.
Noah and Om, thank you for your responses to my Rilke post from January 22. I have been letting your words sink in, and they have transformed my experience in a subtle way that I am only now beginning to understand. Something clicked. Noah, you wrote “forget to be confused.” You wrote this in the context a post suggesting that confusion is an act of will. Om, you reiterated this advice and added that “[w]e ‘feel’ confused when we cling to reifications—things—even if those things are thoughts.”
When my mind has become scattered this past week, spewing thoughts incoherently (and painfully), I have forgotten to be confused, and it worked! During sittings not only did it work, but it opened up a stillness that I had not yet experienced in over a year of meditations. I was able to experience rising and falling emotions without thoughts “quickly tak[ing] over." This seems so elementary to me as I write this down. But there was a profound shift that I am excited to explore--is the shift is a result of something as simple as letting go of my thoughts as opposed to clinging to them? How are those thoughts willful? They seem subconscious.
Salzberg’s comment, that we tend to direct our attention to the object toward which our emotions are directed, seems to be another way of saying “forget to be confused” or that we “cling to reifications.” Am I comparing apples to apples to apples?
For me, I often experience thoughts not in the direction of externalities precipitating emotions, but rather in the direction of externalities onto which I project my emotions. This projection is often defensive. The emotions are often hidden and difficult to identify because of this thought-reaction, but by forgetting the confusion, based on my (extremely limited) experience, “the whole stance subtly changes from one of defensiveness and confusion to one of curiosity and innocence,” as Noah describes. I cannot know if I shared your experience, Noah, but your description is consistent.
I love that you use “innocence” in your formulation because it resonates with me, although I do not know if I can articulate why. Legally, innocence entails a lack of guilt. In the religious context, innocence often connotes a lack of sin. I think that the subtle change you describe, for me, might feel innocent because there is a lack of shame.
if i feel karmically blessed, it is for one main reason (which, naturally, is connected to various other main reasons ;).
You write, "when we experience a feeling, for example, something else, a thought, quickly takes over, which makes it difficult to identify what the feeling is; which, in turn, makes it difficult to relate to the feeling, and what the arising of that feeling is in relation to or dependent on." I'd probably experience that thought as a kind of fixation on whatever I've decided is the externality precipitating the emotion. And when the focus of attention is on that object, in my experience there often results a state of confusion, which leads either to regrettable action or (more likely) paralysis.
it goes without saying that i'm glad that my karmic stream has made a seeker out of me. but there are lots of seekers, and many of them don't go the distance. i haven't, of course, but i know that i will. one of the reasons that i feel so confident is this main reason i feel karmically blessed: i am better trained at focusing my attention on the feeling rather than the thought and/or on dismantling the construction. what i mean by that is simple and can be simply and powerfully explained. people talk sometimes about an "oceanic" feeling, this feeling of oneness, or of God, or whatever. it's this really great feeling -- and i know it, because i've experienced it too. often people take that feeling to be it, and so did i -- for a moment. i decided that i had experienced emptiness. and for a time this served me as a useful experiential illustration of a difficult concept, and as a source of confidence and motivation -- and so, for a while, i held onto it to use it in that way. but then i began to feel more well-grounded in that confidence, and i didn't need that moment to spur me on any longer, and i got to look at it more critically. i examined the experience and realized that i had only glimpsed a step along the path -- that the mere thought "i have experienced emptiness" reflected the grasping/limitation of the experience. this, of course, is a process, and thus i am as guilty as everyone else when it comes to getting addicted to my thoughts, constructions, fantasies, etc. but what goes hand-in-hand with my ability -- at least after i'm no longer as reliant on them -- to question these creations is my comfort with the groundlessness and paradox these questions always lead to. i actually get more excited when i realize that i had cemented over a patch of groundlessness. i find that people are often frightened by that which excites me most, that they often shy away from that which i seek out. i wish everyone sought it out -- but i'm very grateful that, at least, i do, and that that many others before me (including me!) have done a good enough job that all the tools i need to make this more directed and focuses are right here.
i experience my emotions as a lens through which to view the world: it is a much clearer focus than the other lenses i've tried on over the years, and it feels much more peaceful -- no matter the emotion. i don't really have to think about my emotions terribly often. it's just in those tough areas that i have yet to master that i really have to work hard to keep my attention. i'm so susceptible to falling down a well in some areas, and in those the emotion is more like a lens covered by grease, or perhaps better is to say that there's some muck covering over something and i don't even realize yet that it's just another one of those crystal clear lenses. what i love about the clarity i've cultivated over the last several years is that now, for the most part (which is an amazing thing to say: for the most part -- and though it will get truer, it already is true), i don't have to bother naming my emotions -- but if i'd like to, i can. i can imagine a world in which i feel clearly all of my emotions -- but because those few areas i'm still struggling with are such a large part of my experience, i do still feel held back and drudged down. and this, again, i take to be a great strength. i feel pretty darn good most of the time: and yet i still don't feel comfortable. and i shouldn't: i still have more work to do first.
You say, " i don't really have to think about my emotions terribly often. it's just in those tough areas that i have yet to master that i really have to work hard to keep my attention. i'm so susceptible to falling down a well in some areas, and in those the emotion is more like a lens covered by grease, or perhaps better is to say that there's some muck covering over something and i don't even realize yet that it's just another one of those crystal clear lenses."
I'm not sure what you mean by not having to "think about your emotions terribly often." Is that because you're aware of them and they're not triggering you? Also, what are those "tough [emotional] areas" you're referring to? If you don't think about your emotions often (ie, stay mindful of them), how are you able to discern which emotion is which? And, how is it possible to separate out those "tough" emotions from others when you can't name them? In other words, what is the phenomenology of this event, your direct experience in consciousness?
I personally don't trust the unconscious enough to not stay constantly awake to what arises, emotionally speaking? But, you used the term "think about" and, knowing how precise you are with language, I have learned not to be presumptuous with you :)
For several days I have been reading the rich exchange on this very special blog. Feasting on the thoughts, emotions and wonderful images, yet unable to step in, and not understanding what was blocking me. Then I read your recent posting Noah and your words: “It is not just a matter of plain observation, but active inquiry and investigation into the experience of emotion that really makes the difference.” resonnated so intensely, I had to try stepping in again. So here I go:
I recently had an experience at a new job which I am still struggling to fully process. The situation reminds me of Paul Ekman, who once said, “Emotions unite and divide the worlds in which we live, both personal and global, motivating the best and the worst of our actions.” and Noah your thoughts regarding one’s investigation into the emotions rather than merely the action.
The situation was not unusual in many ways. I was being asked to do something which I didn’t feel was right. How many times have each of us been faced with this delema. The difficult aspect for me was I was being asked to implement a decision, which would adversely affect 4 lives (a mother and her 3 children). Their futures were going to be permanently altered because the mother had a mental illness and had been judged unworthy by her sponsor to continue studying in this country. Although she was fully functioning and her oldest son would graduate from high school this spring, they were being forced to leave, to return to their home country where a civil war was brewing. Her oldest would be branded an illiterate for life without his diploma.
I tried unsuccessfuly to plead her case and that of her children. My emotions were intense and overwhelming. How could I live with myself, knowing I had implemented such a heartless decision. Why couldn’t I make the decision-makers see the injustice of their decree? What if this woman had a psychodic episode and endangered herself, her children or others as she digested the impact of the news I was to carry to her.
I felt paralysed by my own emotions. How could I remain honest to my own ethics and enforce a declaration of rejection on these four innocent human beings. And if I did my boss’ bidding what about the next time, or the next…. What about the needs of my own family. Did I really want to send the message to my son, that you do what is right when it is easy, but when it becomes difficult it is ok to move the line of morality, if only a little to ease your conscience. In the end I couldn’t do it. I examined my motives from many different angles. My answer didn’t shift from its origin. The emotions I felt were both for the suffering this woman and her 3 children were going to experience and an intense realization that I was feeling her pain and could not let go of doing what I deeply felt was right, no matter what the personal consequences were going to be.
So out of a deep sense of compassion and connectedness with this family I resigned. I shall never forget the cold empty stare of my boss and our VP when I gave my reasons. They took it personally. I tried not to sound judgemental or superior. Stund by my actions they refused to talk to me during my last few days in the office. Interestingly, I felt an overwhelming sense of freedom and peace, eventhough I was again unemployed with no prospects. I couldn’t alter the discriminatory actions against this innocent woman and her children, however, I wasn’t going to condone it or rationalize it away, because it was the “easier” path to take. I was reminded of David Loy’s words in The Dharma of Dragons and Daemons, “Awakening to my nonduality wit the world, realizing that I am not other than my world. I am not ‘in’ the world, I am a manifestation of it.” My interconnectedness with this woman and her children was the essence of my being at this moment in time.
Since that announcement, I have been overwhelmed by the reactions of my staff, colleagues and employees who I hadn’t really gotten to know except on the elevator in passing. People stopped by my office, sent emails, etc to tell me how much they respected my actions. When the announcement of my departure went out to the regional offices, I received two private messages filled with unexpected kind thoughts. Why was doing the right thing, considered such an extrodinary act? I questioned my motives, the results of my actions, what other options I had or more importantly the impact of this action on the individuals who’s rights were being denied them. I sent my family away for the holiday weekend so I wouldn’t be distracted or influenced by my spouse’s anxiety. I felt compled yet guilty (for my actions were going to affect my family) and had to examine my own emotions wraped around these feelings.
I’m still puzzled by the gratitude and praise I have received for taking what I thought was the only ethical decision. Ironically I am more comfortable with the cold stares of rejection by my superiors than the warm words of admiration and support. I realize my reaction stems from being abused as a child and expecting to be rejected or blamed for whatever goes wrong. But instead of internalizing the negative, this experience has given me the chance to examine my emotional reactions as the observer more than the player. In a small way, my own personal awareness has been elevated in a very freeing manor.
I’m left feeling humbled and empowered yet most of all a bit more free from my own afflictive emotional chains which held me back for so many years, if not life-times. Perhaps the familiar anonymous verse is more true than I realized:
Sow a thought and reap a deed.
Sow a deed and reap a habit.
Sow a habit and reap a character.
Sow a character and reap a destiny.
In closing, thank you Noah for sparking this step of clarity.
I am moved by your struggle and by your ultimate refusal to take part in the removal of this family, whose offense boils down to breathing their first breaths outside our arbitrarily-drawn borders, and then being deemed unfit to remain because of a human ailment. It saddens me that our society treats fellow beings with such injustice.
Asher, I agree with your comments regarding the state of our society. I'm not certain what is worse, the act of injustice or the passivity of those who are still able to recognize an injustice when they see it, but look the other way. Is it because as David Loy explains, humans feel an overwhelming sense of lack in their lives and either try to exert power over others or feel powerless to act. There are many examples of this happening through the ages of time and yet we seem unable to stop it from spreading through the land. Just think what this world would be like if we universally recognized our interconnectedness and acted accordingly.
I am struck by the strong sense of clarity and empowerment I feel in reading your account of this experience. I can relate to the people offering you praise and gratitude because your clarity is illuminating; and I think when someone acts with such ethical conviction and luminosity we all may see more clearly in that light.
A deep insight acted into the world like this must confer some wisdom and courage into the seeing of others too. This would be consistent the the interconnected view.
Its easy to have ideas about these things and write about them, ten thousand fold harder to really know as embodiment and action. So I am indeed truly grateful that you've been able to navigate such a profound ethical and emotional conflict with such introspective poise, and have shared it with us here. I've never faced a situation like this, but if and when I do I will have your example to help me find similar strength.
Bodhi, your story reminds me of an HBO film I recently saw called `The Girl in the Cafe.' I strongly recommend it; it's quite a beautiful and inspiring story. The epigraph for the film was Nelson Mandela's famous quote: "Sometimes it falls upon a generation to be great. You can be that great generation." This is your story, Bodhi. Your willingness to practice your practice, to live in your truth. But, most importantly, you based your decision on the ultimate truth of reality which, when deeply understood, generates compassion, all the way up and all the way down. Compassion has many faces, including what is known as Satyagraha or nonviolent resistance. Yours was a protest of advocacy, a standing up and against complacency and ignorance. A very rare action these days. What also struck me was the teacher in you who said, What do I want my son to learn in this world? Am I the parent I want to be? To align ourselves with our ideals and being willing, WITH SKILLFUL MEANS, to fight for them, is what we want our children to learn. The only failure in life is passivity. For me, the emotional passivity of not asserting oneself, withdrawing from and thus, not being in, or fighting for, relationship mark the type of failures that cause the most suffering.
Well, Bodhi, like Simon Wiesenthal, you asserted and we are all the more blessed for it. Thank you.
"is the shift is a result of something as simple as letting go of my thoughts as opposed to clinging to them? How are those thoughts willful? They seem subconscious."
I feel like that's exactly it. Not that the thoughts are subconscious, because we are certainly aware of them, but that we really don't have much control over them. They just occur and cascade and repeat endlessly. So I just recently got this too. I used to have so much trouble getting into meditation because I thought that I had to stop thinking, or keep myself from thinking, and I mean I'd read plenty about it but I still sort of believed that my thinking was something that I was doing, and should be able to alter or control.
But its all started to change as I've sort of given up that idea. The only thing we can really do, I think, is choose where to direct our bare attention, our naked awareness. So by just allowing the thoughts, even watching them go by, but choosing not to peruse them it, just sort of starts to release a little bit doesn't it? In taking that view, it is as if the content of the thought begins to lose interest as the process of the thought (how it echoes and ripples across the mind) becomes very interesting.
I also sometimes experience a lot of back pain while sitting, and in similar way, I've started becoming interested in the way in which I perceive the pain. The pain itself looses (some) of its interest (as aversion) and what becomes interesting is instead the way in which the pain is known and evolves, and the cascade of thoughts and feelings that bounce around as a result of noticing it.
Almost like if your looking at the ocean, watching the waves, and then you start to become interested not in the individual waves themselves but instead the medium (the water) in which they appear.
Yeah that innocence is curious, and that comment you made about shame really grabbed me. Maybe that is it exactly, because so often I've felt shame with respect to my thoughts and feelings, but in that little shift of focus shame, as well as any other quality really, kind of drops away.
Noah, as you have pointed out, there are a number of ways to skin meditation and at times the language of instruction may be a bit confusing, particularly in terms of “thoughts” and “the thinker” of the thoughts. Meditation, like any process, evolves in stages and I think it important to first just get mind increasingly comfortable with sitting and getting quiet. To turn the experience of meditation into an activity of achievement is the first problem. Of course, this is a paradox, because mental activity itself is achievement-oriented; it emerges causally and so seeks effects. The second problem is taking sitting too seriously, and is connected to the first problem. It means we are taking ourselves too seriously and thus strengthening ego. Of course, this is a paradox, too, because we must take ourselves seriously enough to take ourselves less seriously. To follow strict traditions about sitting, such as, rigid postures, reflects the vestiges of a patriarchal lineage that is more about obedience than realization. I sit on a chair and smile my way through sitting.
As far as thoughts, don’t think that we are aware of all of them. That is dangerous. We are only aware of those that do not feel laden with conflict. This is why meditation at times is easier than other times. The unconscious is a strong force and the mind does seem to have a mind of its own! If thoughts are unconscious, however, we obviously can’t dissolve them, but that’s why meditation is a process practice.
I’d like to hear more about “bare attention” from your perspective, Noah. For me bare attention is gently clearing out (as if with a feathered broom) thought products (thought-feelings) and, for beginning meditators, focusing on the cycle of in-breath/out-breath vis-à-vis counting to 10, is an excellent way to begin cultivating mind’s capacity for controlling thought products. Once we have a sufficient mastery, the focus on breath and counting will become unnecessary. Again though, as a process, it may be too difficult at first to clear out thoughts. The anxious, distracted personality has particular difficulty with “just” sitting. Relaxing body and using visualization techniques may help.
Recognizing that stillness and silence are mind’s natural states (as opposed to wresting mind into obeisance) will certainly help the process.
I have been mediating for quite a while now, and still, feel that each time, I am beginning anew. My thoughts wander all over the place but then I see them, and in the seeing, I bring myself home. I leave home and come back, sometimes, many times in a sitting. Other times. I am struck how the time has passed and I have been where I am been: sitting on my cushion. The most difficult adjustment for me has been to clear away the need to think and to feel as a way to prove to myself that I am alive.
I think bare attention is simply a focus of intention, through which the awareness that lacks quality becomes apparent. That this awareness has no quality of its own makes it rather difficult to talk about.
The breath is very grounding and it's simple to direct attention to it. If I get lost in thought, I simply point myself back to the breath. Being aware of the breath is different than thinking about the breath. I find that awareness of the breath is little different than awareness of any other thought-product, emotion, or sensation, except that breath connects me to my presence here and now. I am a beginning meditator for sure, so this practice is very helpful to me in learning how to direct and hold my attention in the present. That is, how to honor my intention.
I've heard the mind described like the surface of the pond. Every sensory input or thought makes a splash that ripples out and finally subsides in stillness. Inevitably, thoughts and sensations disturb the calm, but in simply letting them pass without pursuing or attaching to them, they naturally subside and dissolve on their own. I've found that by directing my attention toward the breath and not involving it with the thoughts that arise while I sit, over time (say, 40 minutes or so) the mind naturally, though gradually, becomes more still. In working at holding the bare attention in one place, the indescribable awareness becomes apparent. As thoughts arise, my intention is to form no opinion about them, but to simply remain with the breath as they pass across and disturb my mind. I quickly find that all sensations (that back pain, for example) come into consciousness attached to thoughts, and so their gross presence in awareness is actually similar to thinking, or can be treated as such. I think it is learning to control the attention that we begin to reduce distraction and create the space for unattached awareness to arise.
Also, the basic awareness is different, to my mind, from the so called witness consciousness, because even he flits in and out of mind like all other thoughts and feelings. So I've come to really value this idea of the bare attention, because it is really just intention in practice.
I'm interested in your description of the lightly feathered broom cleaning out thought-products. I've not experienced that, I'm still trying to develop my ability to direct attention without judgment. Trying to actively clear thoughts out would for me, at this point in my process, be difficult to distinguish from getting involved with and perpetuating thinking. But I've found that just working at holding the attention on the breath clears away a lot of chatter quite naturally, and the thoughts that do arise dissipate quickly if I let them go.
I have ideas of reaching some goal or level of ability, sure, but I've no idea what that would really mean or why that would matter--its just an ego fantasy. Even though viewing meditation as an ego project is completely antithetical to its aim, I think you still need something, at least in the beginning, to get you to sit on the cushion before you've had the insight to see through your own ambition. I mean, if you don't eventually say "I'm just going to suck it up and start sitting every day even though its uncomfortable," then you'll never do it. At least that's how it's been for me. Part of my intention now is just learning to be where I am doing what I'm doing, just that. That's an undoing of the ego motivation, and a long process as well.
Also, I've never really considered unconscious conflict-laden impulses / desires as thoughts, per se, and I wonder at what point we can call a mental product a thought. For example, would you say that he who unconsciously wants to kill his father and wed his mother, and is emotionally and psychically tormented by these impulses, which he cannot identify, is having a thought in unconscious? He may have thoughts regarding his feelings but not the thought that his feelings conceal... So does the conflict represented in unconscious or dream-thought already carry the symbolic meaning we would ascribe it in ordinary, conscious thought? Are all mind contents always and already represented as thoughts, of which we are either aware or unaware. Or is it that in bringing some conflict into awareness we create for it the symbolic / linguistic representation that becomes a thought? I've always sort of felt that the "thought" is an articulation of something that is perceived or felt as it comes into awareness, but in reading your post it occurs to me that I'm not really sure what thoughts actually are, or how best to define them.
Thanks for pointing out that Noah's use of distraction as a portal for deeper understanding is the antidote for self-judgment. Self-judgment completely aborts the entire process of self-awareness because it strengthens one's attachment to the very negative self images that refuse to allow us to grow and attain happiness. Happiness means autonomy and freedom. Self-judgment means dependency and loss of freedom.
Meditation, like any concept, has multiple meanings. For me, however, meditation is a complex systematic practice and process that is, not merely sitting, but rather deconstructing or dismantling conventional reality as it arises in mind moment to moment. And I bring this system onto the cushion every time I sit. Otherwise I am not meditating. The sitting aspect of meditation is the embodied vehicle for strengthening the attention and concentration required to achieve meditation’s aim: to realize and understand the deluded mind in order to realize and understand ultimate reality, which is empty of independent, permanent existence. It is that simple and that complex.
Meditation is the very cornerstone of Buddhism because it represents the methodology for understanding the entire teachings of tenets and principles that define Buddhism. This is why meditation means, “to make familiar.” We may describe meditation as the process and practice of experiencing what we actually, truly live in its purest (barest) form.
Since the philosophical (nature of reality/mind) and psychological (nature of mind/reality) aspects of consciousness are fundamental to my understanding of and approach to meditation practice, I am excited that we are engaging in a more in depth dialogue on meditation. Unpacking what exactly is philosophically and psychologically involved in meditation is a daunting and complex task but one I believe worth at least partially attempting.
To this end, I would like to share some of my thoughts that are primarily influenced by the Buddhist scholar, David Ross Komito’s `Nagarjuna’s 70 Stanzas: A Buddhist Psychology of Emptiness.’ Komito’s sections on cognition, particularly, perception and conception, are superb and accessible.
It would be correct to say that the aim of meditation is to reveal “the fundamental distortion in the cognitive process…. This fundamantal distortion is the tendency to take an extreme view toward phenomena, that is, to overestimate their natures. This overestimation is that phenomena are independent , self-sufficient entities which bear their own characteristics independently of the perceiving subject.” Phenomena represent everything existing in the world and can be designated as either external and internal. Indeed, it is the grasping after internal phenomena (eg, our thoughts, memories, emotions) based on overestimated perceptions, conceptions and thus understanding of the so-called “person” that causes the most suffering. This is because external phenomena only have value in relation to the `I’ that values. The objective of meditation is thus to dismantle those extreme views of the nature of internal and external phenomena.
We begin with consciousness, defined as, “an awareness which is clear and knowing.” However, though we can contemplate on and realize pure awareness or what is called “primary consciousness,” we must understand that we are never merely conscious; we are always conscious of something. And it is this something that speaks to the motion, the process of life and living experience across time. To be conscious of something means to cognize, to have cognition. Cognition is a mental process “which selects specific aspects out of an overall perceptual field.”
Cognition involves the working together of the 5 material sense perceptions and mental perception (the sixth sense), as they arise, abide, and cease, moment to moment, and so create an mage of the world. Cognition is the functional relationship between the subject and object of consciousness. The objects of sensory perception are external—rocks, bodies, the sky. The objects of mental consciousness include concepts, memories, emotions, perceptions. Meditation is understanding this process. Meditation is understanding that we tend NOT to be aware of the “raw” perceptual and conceptual images of consciousness. This is because the initial perceptual consciousness (what we perceive through our 5-sensory system) is quickly mixed with mental consciousness, which registers concepts, memories, and emotions. This MIX then REPRESENTS the total perceptual field which constitutes our cognitions. Again, cognition is a mental process “which selects specific aspects out of the overall perceptual field.”
Bare cognitions are the aim of analytic or insight meditation. A bare perceptual cognition is at the moment of contact between an object, an organ (eg, an eye), and perceptual (eg, visual) consciousness. The fresh moment of bare visual consciousness would be a cognition of a mere form of a certain color. Now, this first moment then becomes the condition for the arising of a moment of mental consciousness (thought/thinking) the mixing of mental images, memories, and emotions of which, together with bare perception, creates a concept. Most importantly, the mixing of bare perceptions and mental images (thought) ALWAYS distorts perceptual consciousness in that it confuses the thought products (mental images, memories, emotions) for the object it perceives. This is what is meant by understanding the nature of phenomena: what it is without erroneous or distorted views, that is, prior to ignorant grasping of invalid cognitions. What we believe to be real and true, moment to moment, is most certainly erroneous. Meditation corrects this view and so frees one from the bounds of suffering.
And so, we begin with primary consciousness prior to individual consciousness. Individual consciousness brings with it the karmic formations or mental factors that mold it. Karmic formations are “traces of previous actions, emotions, etc.,” the dispositions of an individual that control cognition and so “how cognition selects aspects out of the overall perceptual field.” Mental factors merely describe how individual consciousness functions. These describe states or activities of mind and thus how consciousness is observed. For example, feeling, intelligence, contact, attention, concentration, sleep, etc. are all mental factors across a range of experience that describe how consciousness is functioning. Intention (often known as karma itself!) is a mental factor which is “the orienting of consciousness to the general field of perception [that] describes the tendency of consciousness to become involved with and apprehend objects.”
When Noah speaks of “bare attention” in relation to meditation, he is referring to a mental factor the functioning of which focuses consciousness “on a specific aspect of the general field of perception.” Discernment, another mental factor, identifies and discriminates specific aspects of the general field of perception. Discernment at the highest levels of cognition discriminates and thus identifies ultimate reality. Meditation hones mental factors for the purpose of understanding the ultimate nature of reality.
To summarize where I think we are, we are taking meditation to be a process of deconstructing extreme views of reality by developing cognitive abilities of concentration and discernment, by which we are able to identify those views which perpetuate suffering and, in eradicating them, gain insight--a sort of direct form of cognition--into the ultimate nature of realty.
I find what's difficult about these discussions is that even an intellectual mastery of the vicissitudes of meditation and the nature of "ultimate reality" does not amount to true understanding, though we must start somewhere. I happen to be gifted at learning and adopting new forms of language: at manipulating, applying, and articulating new conceptual structures, both by extrapolating them from and imposing them onto my experience. It is quite problematic, however, to mistake that capacity for true understanding, indeed it is often an obstruction.
There is a difference between holding a view and directly knowing that our living already accords with "ultimate reality." My mind races to construct more subtle and integrated structures to contain my experience. This is of the utmost importance to me, but only in so far as it remains possible to dismantle and deconstruct those very structures I worked so hard to form.
I almost feel as if holding any view is an obstacle, because no matter how expansive that view, there is always the slight contraction of duality around possession. This is not to say that all views are equal in their content, for some clearly have greater merit than others. But when we speak about something like ultimate reality, it is important to me that we remind ourselves that it is not, ultimately, something about which we can hold views. I wonder if you agree with this general feeling, though I hope you'll challenge this view of mine. I see clearly how we identify wrong views, but how would you say, oh that, that is ultimate reality and my mind identifies it, whereas this, this is not? Absent views, what is not ultimate reality?
If we examine an erroneous view or conception from outside--as a pattern of thought, feeling, and action--without regard for the specifics of its content, would it not have the same manner of being as any other view?
We could say the view expresses wrong understanding, but what about the existence of the view itself? Can such a distinction be rightly made between view (as an interdependent entity) and its content? I've found, so far, that functionally I can make that distinction with respect to thoughts while meditating. What I mean is noticing the dynamics of a thought's presence in mind, without identifying with or following what the thought 'says.' This says to me that a thought is not the same as its content, because it can be considered without regard for its content. This is very surprising, because obviously a thought is not other than its content, for if it had no content there would be nothing to perceive. To me this seems to begin to reveal thoughts lack inherent existence, which I assume can be extended to views as well (and all other phenomena for that matter).
There is a certain sense of equality I experience in the deconstruction toward which meditation aims, again not in merit but of ontological nature. So when we say meditation corrects erroneous views, I sense (though I do not know) that it cannot simply be replacing a wrong view with a correct view, because although a view informs our recognition of the relation through which we live, and may map that relation more or less accurately, how can it be more or less "real" than anything else?
Becoming enlightened or realizing "ultimate reality" is usually described as awakening. I wonder if this means, not simply waking from wrong views into right ones, but awakening from views altogether. Or seeing through them. If this is the case, then anything we say will be fundamentally incomplete, or overly concrete. And yet the saying is, for me at least, still of the utmost importance because it constantly exposes and challenges deeper layers of assumption.
Noah, as I read your post, what I thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated even more was witnessing the witness witnessing; the thinker thinking in an effort to see through thinking without quite knowing what is on the other side. I felt your anxiety as you kept hitting up against this conceptual wall that says: “My mind races to construct more subtle and integrated structures to contain my experience.” And then your response: “I almost feel as if holding any view is an obstacle, because no matter how expansive that view, there is always the slight contraction of duality around possession…. when we speak about… ultimate reality, it is important to me that we remind ourselves that it is not, ultimately, something about which we can hold views.” And the wall begins to crack. But, then the wall strengthens again: “So when we say meditation corrects erroneous views, I sense (though I do not know) that it cannot simply be replacing a wrong view with a correct view, because although a view informs our recognition of the relation through which we live, and may map that relation more or less accurately, how can it be more or less "real" than anything else?” And then you reach just beyond the anxiety to the greater grasp: “ And yet the saying is, for me at least, still of the utmost importance because it constantly exposes and challenges deeper layers of assumption.”
I think at times paradox eludes you; and yet that very (emotional) contraction you describe that occurs to bind your anxiety in the face of groundessness, will ultimately give way to the paradox. For example, the fact that ultimate reality reveals the illusion of all views, including correct ones, does not mean correct views do not exist nor are unnecessary for ultimate reality to be understood. What you are saying, in Buddhist terminology is that all views are empty of independent existence. This is the correct view. However, because it is empty, it still exists, and so, has a certain propositional value that, if logically applied to conventional reality, will lead us to the ultimate nondual formulation: if we can’t speak of existence, we cannot speak of non-existence either.
So, here’s the paradox: mind, not as an entity but as process, uses cognition to guide THE ENTITY mind, vis-à-vis language, toward its own dissolution in order for us to realize that it exists, but not independently. And this is true of all phenomena, especially the quintessential entity: self.
And another paradox: “There is a difference between holding a view and directly knowing that our living already accords with "ultimate reality."” The paradox of course is that the correct view is incorrect if not apprehended as direct experience, which is superordinate to intellectual comprehension. But, notice I said “superordinate” to underscore the necessity of cognition. Realization transcends but includes intellectual conceptualization. This is why realization is trans-personal and trans-rational. Imagine trying to enter into the deeper realms of nondual perspective without having adequate mental factors, such as, attention, concentration, discernment, intelligence, wisdom, etc.?
Noah, you say, “I see clearly how we identify wrong views, but how would you say, oh that, that is ultimate reality and my mind identifies it, whereas this, this is not? Absent views, what is not ultimate reality?” Again, another paradox, from the `Heart Sutra:’ form is emptiness, emptiness is form; form is nothing other than emptiness, emptiness is nothing other than form. Ultimate reality cannot exist without conventional reality because ultimate reality is nothing other than conventional reality. This is the insanely brilliant formulation of Nagarjuna: emptiness is empty too!!! More than brilliant, it is clever because it keeps us on our toes and does not allow us to get attached even to our own views, even to emptiness. Nonduality recognizes both the futility and necessity of language, for example and this is what prevents nihilism. The world is meaningless, which is true; and yet, the world is only meaningful. The view, any view, as you say, is absurd; and yet, views necessarily exist and, in fact, have propositional value. This means that some views are more useful than other views, better than other views, and more valid than other views. Of course, this is where it gets tricky.
If I missed something from your post, please let me know.
There have been a few comments about focusing on the breath as a way to silence the mind. For a while, I focused on my breath, even counted breaths, but thoughts still predominated my experience.
I have tried a slightly different approach recently, largely as a result of the dialogue on this blog. When a thought arises, I acknowledge that it is probably an effect of a feeling, and I focus on what I am feeling. I identify my feelings. In that moment, a space opens up in which my breath becomes more accessible. My heartbeat and other involuntary sensations follow. I can sit in this space and focus on my breath. Thoughts arise, but they seem localized--they do not fill the space.
I do not think I am tricking myself into silence through this mind exercise. Rather, for me, I think I needed to understand and experience the relationship between thoughts and feelings in order to put thoughts in perspective.
I have done a lot of reading about meditation over the past year. I know, intellectually, that thoughts lack inherent existence. I know, intellectually, that I am not my thoughts. But until I recognized the thought-feeling relationship, thoughts reigned supreme.
Asher, another important observation. I would like to hear Emily and Noah's thoughts on your post regarding breathing. Emotions/feelings have a direct impact on meditation in how they either facilitate or prevent the dissolution of thoughts. Breathing is key to meditation because it communicates to the brain whether or not we are prepared to dismantle thought products.
Asher, I also experience a direct relationship between thoughts and feelings and I too find that addressing feelings is probably the best way to get beneath thoughts, especially if thoughts are obscuring feelings, as they so often do. I also think that negative patterns of thinking perpetuate afflicted feelings. It seems to me that thoughts make sense of feeling, and it's often said that if you can change the way you think, you can change the way you feel. I find this to be largely true as well. Understanding, as a making sense of and contextualizing feelings, leads to compassion, which often begins to dissolve negative thoughts and feelings.
I tend to think and feel very negatively about myself, failing to see my own positive attributes or worth. I see that a deep feeling of insecurity and weakness / failure gives rise to negative thoughts, which strengthen and perpetuate those feelings. The feedback loop is so powerful and has been going on so long that its very hard to break it down. I think maybe, as you suggest, even though the thoughts perpetuate the feelings, they are still sort of an obstacle to allowing and dissolving the self-hatred because they make sense of the feelings and bind them to some sort of understandable structure (even if it is negative), which in turn emerges from the desire to feel grounded.
So I agree that examining the relationship--I'd even say reciprocity--between thoughts and feelings is really helpful in recognizing in a more immediate way the non-inherent existence of thoughts. And attending to the breath seems to be a way beyond all the feedback.
For me, sitting has become my own private refuge. The primary place where thoughts and self-evaluation are allowed to dissolve and ultimate truth drifts in - if just for a moment. Where peace and an overwhelming sense of tranquility muffle voices from the past. I wrestle with evaluating what arises first - thoughts or emotions, but in the end question whether it matters for they are intertwined with each other, as are memories from my childhood. When I sometimes go behind the thoughts to examine what I am feeling, I sometimes find myself achieving the opposite of my goal. Instead of analyzing the feelings I have strengthened the thought threads which hold the emotions in place creating a delusional sense of their reality. I have also come to realize that when afflictive emotions do arise, I crave my special sitting spot, where by sitting through the darkness of the moment, faith carries me into the light of understanding.
The words of Tenzin Priyadarshi ring true for me:
If there is no stillness,
there is no silence.
If there is no silence,
there is no insight.
If there is no insight,
there is no clarity.
For me remembering this leads to a reduction in the desire to contextualize what I am feeling or give my thoughts specific form, but rather allow myself to freely drift into an expansive space of emptiness which seems to fill my mind/body with a new found sense of freedom - which only seems to grow as time passes.
What I have noticed from the posters on this blog is that this word "insight" has a very specific and comprehensive understanding, which I believe is critical for cultivating a robust meditation practice and healthy life experience. Insight is in-sighting one's interiority on two levels: the level of observing one's immediate thought process with the objective of quieting mind; and, related, understanding the higher ontological necessity of one's historicty, that is, how our thought products grew into persistent deluded states and beliefs. Attempting to dissolve thought products and come to an intellectual comprehension of, let's say, "emptiness" or "interconnectedness" is not enough for a quicker transformation. Literally changing one's mind by understanding one's psychology (eg, developmentally, relationally, intrapsychically) trans-forms one's sense of self: from self-hating, fearful, insecure, conflicted and confused, depressed, anxious, angry, judgmental, arrogant, etc. to self-accepting, self-loving, self-forgiving, grateful, and self-directed. Suffering doesn't immediately disappear but rather is in a constant process of trans-forming. Most importantly, motivation becomes ignited towards self-care.
What role do you think caring for others has in cultivating self-care? Obviously in considering self vs. other care, we are speaking about two sides of one coin, so I mean this question primarily on a psychological level.
Noah, I know of no one better than Om to address your question from a psychological lens. However, since you ask what I have been asking myself for a long time and incorrectly thought I 'knew' the answer, I thought I would offer a different metaphor for self vs. other care. I would even suggest that caring for others can sometimes become a means for avoiding oneself and therefore reducing one's full potential ability to care for others.
If a fig seedling is planted in sandy earth, it will grow not realizing that it is struggling just to exist. It will spread its meager branches casting a thin shadow on the ground for those passing by to rest under for a moment protected from the afternoon sun. It will also help Mother Earth nourish the insects, moss, and other living organisms which call the tree home. Eventually the tree will bear figs, but the harvest will be small and the fruit will spoil quickly. While the fig tree completes its life cycle, it never fully actualizes its potential. As the fig tree ages, its roots become fragile, more vulnerable to the elements, collapsing under the strong winds of a normal spring 'Humseen' (sand storm).
On the other hand, the seedling which is planted in nutrient rich soil and is nurtured as its roots grow, establishing itself firmly in its space, will develop into a much different tree. As it continues to take what it needs from the earth, able to nurture itself as it grows, it will surpass its struggling cousin planted in the shifting sands. It will grow taller and stronger, able to cast a broader shadow for all to find respite under, and of course its fruit will be more abundant and last much longer for more to enjoy. When the challenging 'Humseen' winds roar in, it will not be destroyed, rather it will stand strong, able to resist the next storm and continue its life cycle for another season.
I am slowly coming to realize that caring for others without first focusing on self-care is like the fig tree planted in the sand and when others become one's primary focus, eventually one looses oneself, forgetting it is a fig tree like the others and its roots deserve tending too.
While caring for others is important especially when we consider our interconnectedness with each other, however, if we don't take care of our own roots, I don't believe we can honestly do our best at caring for others. I am slowly beginning to see how intertwined the two are, which is something I never expected to see. I guess my lens on life is shifting its focus.
I'm walking down Park Avenue. I'm carrying the bag of food I just bought for breakfast to fill the hunger my belly crows to. A stark hunger the kind simple and direct from a brain issuing some atonal notes along a chord of plosive stops and fricatives--hunger, food, feed me. So what to eat? The need gets more complicated the path less reticent. In an idiom of Zen a sibilance of phrase I order 2 eggs scrambled soft on a buttered roll. I will soothe into silence my taste. I go to the refrigerated section to buy orange juice and notice that there are some Tropicana. I recall when there was only one choice; now there are five--pulp or none mango pineapple-orange strawberry-banana. So many choices. Perhaps I should stay with water. Now my bag is full. I leave. The morning sun spills warmth yet the air feels cool a nice mix of ingredients. I take my egg sandwich out of the bag. I head back towards my office down Park Avenue. I stop at the light. The sandwich is delicious like a poem reciting me. I recall the image now of God unzipping my body and letting me out like Frost's boy climbing to heaven on his father's birch; but there is no birch here no heaven no God only openness gratitude joy; I cross the street and glance down the block from the corner where I am now standing; I didn't notice before there is a young man in front of my building sitting like a Buddhist altar his hands holding his head his hair dirty and mussed his clothes ripped and disheveled his face scruffy tired and worn like shoes; there is something about the way he holds his head in his hands heavy and in need of rest like Rilke's beggar that tells me he is not invisible nor scamming for money; I walk by him look down at his sign I am homeless and hand him half my sandwich; he lifts his head almost motionless; he is a still life a handful of figs a tire lying on the side of a road; he motions up his hand and with a tenderness usually saved for a lover or child as she wakes from a bad dream takes the sandwich; he says thank you and I turn around and enter my building shimmy into the crowded elevator push the button to the sixth floor watch the door open walk down to the corridor to my office open the door walk to my chair sit down and write a poem.
The idea of "karmic merit" notwithstanding, and Bodhi's point regarding what I would call pathological accommodation (which I have spoken about at length on the blog), caring for others IS self-care. On every ontological level, physiology, mental functioning, psychological well-being, all areas of human functioning are potentially benefitted by caring for others. But, I want to stress that two factors-- self-awareness and self-love-- are critical for both self and other basically because true compassion depends upon discernment, intelligence, and wisdom. Without wisdom, for example, caring for others may result in not helping others help themselves and thus teaching them to take rather than give. A simple example are the beggars on the street who may be using your money to get drugs or alcohol. Is giving them money then compassionate? Tough question and that's a simple example. On a social level, some claim that public assistance could become abusive and infantalize rather than truly help people in need. Back to the individual, how do we discern, for example, whether we're caring for or colluding with our partners, parents, children, extended family in certain situations? Tough questions some of us are faced with everyday.
It seems that an upshot of understanding the second level of interiority is to correct false views derived from one's development. How would you describe the relationship between the mind state post-understanding and the earlier mind state, before the false views attached?
Asher, if I understand your question, you are inquiring about individual consciousness within one lifetime. According to David Ross Komito, "for the ordinary person consciousness is never experienced devoid of previous experience. These previous experiences leave traces in memory which mold consciousness. Thus, consciousness depends on...karmic formations.... [i]t is never "raw consciousness" uninfluenced by past actions." Now, what is most interesting is how the Buddhist philosopher, Nagarjuna, explains karmic formation in terms of past lives. Karmic formations are the consequence of ignorance. The ignorance that is typical of ordinary people (ignorance being "the unknowing of the real nature" of reality) is so deep "that it could not depend on the experiences of a single life but rather depends on the experiences (pleasures and sufferings) of a multiplicity of lives. Thus, this ignorance depends on birth and death.
I needed something to wash down my post, so I picked up `Nagarjuna's `Mūlamadhyamakakārikā (`The Fundamental Wisdom of the Middle Way'), translated by Jay Garfield. I opened to this stanza: "If there is no existent thing,/ Of what will there be nonexistence?/ Apart from existent and nonexistent things/ Who knows existence and nonexistence?"
This reminds me of Noah's question regarding "correct/incorrect" views. As Nagarjuna points out in this stanza that existence and nonexistence are characteristics, linguistic signifiers, so too are views. Views, like existence and nonexistence, are dependent, relative characteristics. Emptiness is empty, too.
This is what happens when I try meditation. I understand there is "no wrong way to meditate" but I'm not sure I agree. All my life I've been distracted. Rather than sitting down and just doing a task, the world around me becomes louder, amplified. Each creak, every bird, any sound registers and is processed. Thoughts whip through my head with the speed and intensity of a hurricane. I can't seem to hold a thought for more than a moment as a very primal instinct takes over and I go back to monitoring the world around me.
One...two...three...four...need to remember to deposit that check.
What is nice about ADD is that when I do get an interest, I become hyper-focused, deeply immersing myself in that which has caught my eye. The problem is: this focus doesn't last. I have an office full of unfinished projects. At the time, I see each one of these ideas or tasks as my new calling. My reason-for-being. My Purpose. I dive head first into my new goal with force and intensity. I think, yes! This is it! I consume information. I spend hours on line learning and researching. I talk to people about it and the excitement builds. Then, after a few weeks, it fades. I get angry and depressed. I ruminate about how silly I was to think that my purpose in life was to be a baker, a wedding photographer, an entrepreneur, or a stand-up comedian.
One....two...dammit.
Folks tell me I need to meditate. Calm my active mind (at least for a little while). I get it. I see the value of it but my question is: Is meditation just another scheme? My fear is that I will start it, get hooked but then let it fade as all the other hobbies/passions have.
My first thought in response to your post is actually a book recommendation: `The Mindful brain’ by Daniel Siegel (who also wrote the brilliant `The Developing Mind’). Siegel’s main interest is in developing an integrated state of brain function, another way of saying well-being. Because the brain is as much a process as a structure, its correlative mind has the capacity to cultivate literal transformative changes in neuropathways (“resonance circuits”). Meditation is one process for galvanizing these changes. Because you experience what you describe as ADD (Attention Deficit), I would most definitely come to a more intimate understanding of what the “mindful” brain would look like and how you might achieve it. And so, the benefit would be attacking your meditation challenges from two sides of the same consciousness (mind/brain). I would love for you to come back for a further discussion after you read the book. Thank me later :)
I think there is a sort of paradoxical element to meditation in that one does it ostensibly to cultivate certain states of more awakened mind, and perhaps reap positive changes in life as a result: increased mindfulness, empathy, less stress, more insight.
But I've found that in a practical sense, when I actually do it I have to try and put any notions of achievement or desired state of mind aside and just show up, work at being present. The more my mind races or chases stimulus around, the more opportunity there is to notice that about it and redirect attention to the breath. There isn't really a good or a bad, there is just becoming more aware of whatever is happening in mind by creating an intention to hold it to one place. If the mind is distracted and this causes frustration or fear or whatever, well all that can become an object of awareness.
I'm not saying its easy or simple to show up for that, but I really think that's what it comes down. I find it counterproductive to relate to meditation itself as a calling, reason for being, Purpose, or hobby, or really anything worth investing ego in. Obviously we have to continue to learn and embody this over a long time.
But what if you thought of it not as an achievement oriented practice to calm your active mind (though that is a probable long term result and may unfold naturally), but instead a way to develop clearer vision and more perspective on whatever it is that you call your mind. More than any other factor, it is simple curiosity that got me to finally start. Whether my mind is 1000MPH and anxious or quiet and alert I still have this basic desire to know what it is...
I've noticed all sort of interesting things about mind already in taking that curiosity and investigating it by meditating. For example, so many things I used to consider solid or continuous parts of me (identity, personality, self) I'm starting to see as scattered states of awareness that are quite discontinuous. But maybe that's another post.
I am attached and I can't seem to shake it. I know that attachment gives rise to suffering. I am crying. I am breathing. I am still attached. I know the moment is gone and yet I can't seem to let it go. I know that nothing is certain, and yet I crave certainty. I know fear arises from my desire to cling to the past--to reify it instead of noticing it and letting it go. And yet here I am reifying with the best of them, attached beyond my own belief to something that intellectually I don't even know if I want. I am breathing again in between bouts of hysterical sobbing. What if I never have that experience again? I will never have that experience again. And I know my attachment to those fleeting moments prevents me from being present. And still I am attatched. And so I suffer. I am attached to my suffering because joy has always been quickly followed by sorrow. I have been duped, and so I cling to memories, and fantasies, and illusions. I am duping myself. Breathe in. Breathe out. In perpetuating this attachment, I abandon myself. I see myself doing it, and yet I can't stop. How do I let go and trust?
Hi Sasha, I was sitting with your post and kept getting stuck on two words: "attachment" and "know." I think as readers we tend to take for granted that what the person says, the person means and, as a result, we never really know what the person means. Words are not only golden bridges of meaning, they are often golden paths of misunderstanding. You say "know" around 6 times in your post and "attachment" around 8 times. I'm curious, what does "know" mean? And, how do you know you know? Also, what is "attachment?" And why does it cause suffering for you? Some of my most profound and joyful moments involved attachment.
Om, thank you for your comments. For me knowing means aprehending something cognitively, intuitively, viscerally, experientially, and I suppose spiritually while accepting that meaning is subjective and perhaps non existent. As it relates to my post, I was writing from a place isomewhere between cognitive understanding, the intuitive recognition of a body sensation associated with past experience, and what was real for me in that moment.
What I continue to struggle with are the painful human emotions that I am experiencing as a result of my inability to let go of certain ideas, relationships, and even entire belief systems for more than a few seconds at a time. I feel caught up in wave that keeps pulling me back under just as I'm breaking free of its grip. For me attachment is the inability to be objective, to notice and appreciate without clinging or reifying, particularly as it relates to certain memories, beliefs, and experiences.
I understand, from studying and past positive experience, that the more I am able to be present to what's unfolding in my life moment to moment without any expectation of where it's going, or any guarantee of permanence, the more joy I experience. Yet as everything swirls around me, and I feel my innate safety threatened, and my identity so tenuous, it is very difficult to stay present and so I flee mentally to memories of moments that were joyful and secure which simply gives rise to pain because I do not have the same feeling now.
Sure it's all an illusion. (I tell myself) But in this beautiful illusion my human eyes still tear up and my heart pounds in my chest with fear and grief about living alone and not really living at all. It's a hamster wheel and I want to get off.
“I am a seeker seeking myself.” – Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
Hi Sasha, thank you for continuing what for me is exactly that which will ultimately help you (and all of us) “let go and trust.” And that is the very relational mirroring which, at first in small ways, allows us to (re)turn the very mental process given us terrible gas pains. After reading your second post I found our meanings aligned and so I was better able to feel what you might be experiencing. You say, “knowing means apprehending something cognitively, intuitively, viscerally, experientially...somewhere between cognitive understanding, the intuitive recognition of a body sensation associated with past experience, and what was real for me in that moment.” This is what is meant as direct experience and it is the “apprehending” (as opposed to comprehending) that informs the knowing’s integration of all mental factors. But, as Buddha, for example, would tell us, true knowing is a knowing free from all negative afflictive emotions, as well as the attachment and identifications that cause the negative afflictive emotions. You describe attachment as “the inability to be objective, to notice and appreciate without clinging or reifying, particularly as it relates to certain memories, beliefs, and experiences.” This is also how I understand attachment. And so, as you say, you understand that it is the attachment that obviates a true knowing. And so, you suffer.
More specifically, you “continue to struggle with…the painful human emotions that I am experiencing as a result of my inability to let go of certain ideas, relationships, and even entire belief systems for more than a few seconds at a time.” The key here, once again, is “emotions,” what we have been discussing over the past few weeks (e.g., http://noahck.com/blog/2009-12-08/128#comment-5482 and http://noahck.com/blog/2009-12-08/128#comment-5468 and especially http://noahck.com/blog/2009-12-08/128#comment-5449 ), particularly, as Sasha points out, the “painful human emotions” that keep us glued to delusive thinking. I said in a previous post, “the first step is to understand the centrality of emotions in every aspect of evolution, including one’s personal evolution; it means, understanding how emotions reach into all levels of being, including our physical, mental, and spiritual development. It means understanding that one’s “state of mind” is one’s state of reality. It means approaching one’s emotional life through one’s body, mind, and spirit and approaching one’s body, mind, and spirit through the wisdom of emotions. It means slowly, simply, and mindfully taking one step at a time: to learn how to regulate emotions; to learn how to listen to emotions; to learn how to understand emotions; to learn how to act in accordance with the direction of our emotions, which is our needs. If one has clarity about his needs (not wants), he will create happiness necessarily because he will integrate the aspects of his consciousness (body, mind, spirit), in such a way, as to (trans)form his emotional life into a good, well-lived life.”
All well and good, and Sasha could clearly read and perhaps even agree with this statement. But, she is still suffering, even with all she “knows.” And so, I go back again to the relational aspect of consciousness, that process of self opening to other in ways that promote increased understanding of self-in-world, and, ultimately, no-self in world. Sasha’s penultimate paragraph makes this clear. She says, “I understand… [y]et as everything swirls around me, and I feel my innate safety threatened, and my identity so tenuous, it is very difficult to stay present and so I flee mentally to memories of moments that were joyful and secure which simply gives rise to pain because I do not have the same feeling now.” We know that “understanding” is the remedy of all affliction, so what’s missing? What I think is missing is the relational aspect of Sasha’s seeking, its very function of which contains the swirling, attenuates the threatened safety, shores up the tenuous identity, and ensures that she doesn’t flee outside this very moment and presence of now. Yes, this is the therapeutic function of relationship and it is called intimacy. I see intimacy and the therapeutic as synonymous necessarily because it is only through intimacy that transformation occurs. And in this case, according to Sasha, it is a transformation tantamount to a paradigmatic shift in consciousness from dual to nondual, from suffering to freedom from suffering.
As I read Sasha’s beautifully honest posts I felt something missing. It felt as if she were attempting to “understand” by herself, on her own. And clearly great effort and earnestness has led to tremendous in-sight. But, the suffering has persevered. She keeps hitting up against a wall. What is that wall? What is that missing piece that will help her look into her own eyes or, as James once said, look inside her looking? And what I felt was the very essence of ultimate reality itself, the very interconnectedness of all phenomena recapitulated in this ontological layer called the psychological. For it is at this level that suffering actually occurs, for all of us. The psychological is the I’s relationship with self-in-world as world (or other)-in-self. We are not independent, isolated entities; we are processes of consciousnesses (e)motioning toward the light of understanding and it is only in and through relationship that that light will never cease to flicker out.
Finding the courage to allow yourself to feel pain you don’t yet understand: that’s what it seems to come down to for me. If I’m feeling disconnected or foggy it is always in avoidance. The hardest pain to allow is the pain that is not understood. It feels intransigent because I obscure it, difficult to penetrate because it lacks language, and in simply allowing it as a feeling I feel alone. Because its dependent existence is not fully recognized, because it has not yet been deconstructed by relationship.
In a sense I feel that we are all alone with the darkness around us, what we have yet to embrace in knowing. But in facing that aloneness, in sitting with it, in letting our language and our presence form around it with care, in allowing it to be felt through ourselves and our relationships, we somehow become intimate.
I feel this reading Sasha's post, and with regard to my own meditation and relationships. Personally, I am tired of struggle. And what Sasha describes as her frustration with not being able to let go (which I certainly share), I have come to also regard as not wanting to allow. To allow myself to feel pain I don't understand; to allow myself to be completely uncertain, to allow myself to not know but still live, to allow myself to feel shame and still arrive here.
It's always arriving isn't it? Every moment you have to arrive again.
And when I say allow I don't mean passivity; no I want to investigate and deconstruct every afflicted feeling until it dissolves into understanding. But how will we ever be intimate enough to do that if we can't stop fighting our pain?
"Finding the courage to allow yourself to feel pain you don’t yet understand: that’s what it seems to come down to for me."
Noah and Sasha, I really appreciate your openness, which is “allowing” yourself to feel pain, yet within a (albeit, limited) relational context. The tendency to “avoid,” as Noah says, in a kind of dissociative splitting between experience and feeling, is, not so much being alone, but being isolated. “In a sense I feel that we are all alone with the darkness around us, what we have yet to embrace in knowing.” This sounds like isolation, not aloneness, to me. Aloneness is never dark; it is the space of expansion, exploration. What we have developmentally internalized through relationship is the very security, trust, and confidence that prevent aloneness from conflating with the sense of isolation. I was isolated all of my childhood and most of my early adulthood because my early parental attachments were terribly insecure. Not until I internalized the new corrective therapeutic and, by extension, healthy personal relationships (including with myself!) was I able to discern between aloneness and isolation.
What Noah makes clear in his experience is that the emotional pain not yet understood, without language, is pain predicated by a lack of relationship: “it has not yet been deconstructed by relationship.” For it is ONLY through relationship that “language and our presence form around [isolation] with care…we somehow become intimate.” And so, I ask both Noah and Sasha if it is possible that the very struggle with emotional suffering you describe is in fact not allowing relationship to penetrate the layers of self that won’t allow or let go?
“But how will we ever be intimate enough to do that if we can't stop fighting our pain?” My response would be that we don’t stop fighting the pain, we merely fight the pain together.
I think that "fighting pain" is suffering. Maybe we stop fighting pain in isolation, and instead, meet pain together with awareness. That works for me, but saying we merely fight the pain together doesn't really connect to my experience because fighting against seems inherently isolating to me. Resistance closes down the possibility of relating. Although I suppose it is much better to turn toward and fight than to avoid.
I appreciate the crucial distinction you are drawing between isolation and aloneness. Indeed, though isolation is negative and afflicted, aloneness does feel to me to be expansive and open, ever present at the boundaries of personal growth and intimacy.
Perhaps in learning to discern the difference between the two, we are able to resolve (and dissolve) the sense of isolation while opening into the space of being alone. I think that aloneness is completely relational.
I have the sensation of aloneness every night as I fall asleep and every morning as the waking world first appears to me. Alone, I move into and out of darkness. You could also say into and out of light, it is the same. And I suspect this sensation must be true in dying as well. Precisely because all the world appears and disappears within my sense of awareness, and I know of no other who shares the experience of (or attachment to) my mind. Nor can I directly know yours.
To me that is aloneness, but it is not isolating when it is met with love. Because when our language and our presence form around it with care we become intimate. I stick to that statement--to be nakedly alone and love is for me the truest intimacy, because in opening into that aloneness I can actually see the other person. When I wake up in the middle of the night, before thoughts appear to me, I feel alone and I love. It is such an honest place from which to meet relationship: alone, but not alone at all; neither alone nor not alone. All that falls away in the intimacy of being.
Which reminds me ;)
NOT IDEAS ABOUT THE THING BUT THE THING ITSELF
At the earliest ending of winter,
In March, a scrawny cry from outside
Seemed like a sound in his mind.
He knew that he heard it,
A bird's cry, at daylight or before,
In the early March wind.
The sun was rising at six,
No longer a battered panache above snow...
It would have been outside.
It was not from the vast ventriloquism
Of sleep's faded papier-mache...
The sun was coming from the outside.
That scrawny cry--It was
A chorister whose c preceded the choir.
It was part of the colossal sun,
Surrounded by its choral rings,
Still far away. It was like
A new knowledge of reality.
I think that "fighting pain" is suffering. Maybe we stop fighting pain in isolation, and instead, meet pain together with awareness. That works for me, but saying we merely fight the pain together doesn't really connect to my experience because fighting against seems inherently isolating to me. Resistance closes down the possibility of relating. Although I suppose it is much better to turn toward and fight than to avoid.
I agree that “fighting pain” is suffering. In fact, it is tautological. That word “merely” feels important to me and seems to subtly undermine my point, which is the facilitating function of relationship. I’m not sure what you mean by “fighting against,” so I can’t comment on it yet. I agree that fighting against is inherently isolating. Though I will say pushing up against is not “fighting against” because, as you say, it is “better to turn towards and fight than avoid.”
This next statement you make is most interesting to me: “Precisely because all the world appears and disappears within my sense of awareness, and I know of no other who shares the experience of (or attachment to) my mind. Nor can I directly know yours.” This is the very interface of self and other. This is the paradox of separate minds. Though we cannot “directly” know each other’s mind, we can learn to read each other’s meanings. And it is the increasing openness and earnest intention to touch (intimacy) and be known (love) that we can directly know each other. This is particularly true through the realization of emptiness. The “experience” of emptiness is so complete and penetrating that the details of our separateness fundamentally diminish, and so the experience of separateness becomes emotionally irrelevant. It is the moment when we are neither alone nor not alone.
Noah and Om, you raise so many interesting points. I've read both of your responses a couple of times now, and one question that keeps nagging at me is how to create intimacy that leads to transformation in a world that’s so unconscious and as a result so emotionally unsafe. Specifically, this blog explores intimacy at a level I’ve never seen replicated in day-to-day human interactions, perhaps in part because of the safety created by the general anonymity of the medium.
It seems to me that safety is a precondition for intimacy, and so to the extent one’s relationships aren’t emotionally safe--meaning I am derided or otherwise shamed for my feelings by my partner, or my boss, or my friend --how can relationship be an effective conduit for transformation? It would seem rather dangerous and even toxic in that case.
FDR’s famous quote about fear seems relevant here: “…the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.”
If the seeker allows the emotion, is authentic in his interpersonal relations with others, strives for intimacy, etc. and the relational partners can’t reciprocate, how does he make progress and not become so gun shy that paralyzing fear prevents future attempts at the suggested relational behaviors that lead to transformation?
I ask that question with the awareness that fear is paralyzing me right now. Friendships grow cold and after a few attempts to reheat them, I feel so dispirited I want to retreat myself. Relationships that seem to hold the promise of true partnership reveal themselves to be essentially hollow. Sadly, I must conclude that my own judgment/discernment about those relationships is the common denominator in their collective failure to grow beyond a certain point.
Om, you talk about having “internalized the new corrective therapeutic and, by extension, healthy personal relationships” that enabled you to discern between aloneness and isolation. What is the corrective therapeutic? How does one overcome the lack of security, trust, or confidence that emanates from an insecure parental attachment?
Please point the way, including to additional posts on this blog if you've explored this stuff before.
Sasha, thank you for this most important post. I'll respond more later but two things now struck me that I want to quickly discuss. You say, "It seems to me that safety is a precondition for intimacy, and so to the extent one’s relationships aren’t emotionally safe--meaning I am derided or otherwise shamed for my feelings by my partner, or my boss, or my friend --how can relationship be an effective conduit for transformation? It would seem rather dangerous and even toxic in that case."
And, "Specifically, this blog explores intimacy at a level I’ve never seen replicated in day-to-day human interactions, perhaps in part because of the safety created by the general anonymity of the medium."
These are great points. Let me address the second first, and then I would like to elaborate later. What this blog is creating through dialogue is not actually intimacy but a portal into intimacy, the beginning steps of creating a language of intimacy, a mental process oriented (intention) toward intimacy, a motivation (appreciation/aspiration) for intimacy, and, most important, a questioning of those many things that interfere with intimacy.
Regarding your first question, safety and security are indeed the primary needs of intimacy if the individuals in relationship are to heal and evolve. So that means two things. One, intimacy begins with the choices we make regarding who we are willing to have relationships with, and, two, the process towards more intimacy is a slow one. And the process is process itself, the opening to and communicating with skillful means. I think you haven't seen the type of intimacy described here in many relationships because few people are taught how to be intimate. Which leads to the most obviously solution regarding the therapeutic: therapy. I recommend a deep, dynamic, relationally-oriented therapy to people, one that emphasizes affectivity, or feelings as the prime mover of the therapeutic process. In addition to therapy, it is practice, day to day, moment to moment mindfulness approaches to our relationships. But, again, it is in the choosing. Is this person i am with committed, not so much to me, but to cultivating her own self-awareness. The commitment to me will be the by-product of that first commitment to self.
"...how to create intimacy that leads to transformation in a world that’s so unconscious and as a result so emotionally unsafe." Such a perplexing question on so many levels, but I love how your phrase it because the word transformation points to both 'self' and world. This is where, for me, some manner of spiritual orientation becomes really important. The understanding I am reaching for is that you are the world, and as we are able to create transformation internally, the world as we experience it will also begin to transform.
I know this is a rather cliche sentiment, but I think it's absolutely true in so far as our impressions that the world is isolating, emotionally unsafe, or frightening are qualities of imputation, which structure our perceptions in profound ways. And to the extent that we are able to identify, examine, and deconstruct the mechanisms by which we impute reality (including the self-object within us that we feel can be harmed), what once were barriers become bridges.
What that means to me, in a practical way, is that the existence of fear need not be in and of itself an obstacle to intimacy, if we turn toward it and allow it to become an object of inquiry that we seek to understand via relationship. There is nothing wrong with being afraid; I'm afraid nearly every day that I won't be understood or that I will fail to respond to my life, my relationships, and my potential to act in the world. It's retreating from fear that is problematic and actually blocks intimacy. So when you beautifully say "I ask that question with the awareness that fear is paralyzing me right now" I feel that you are actually creating a space around your fear in which we can meet look at what's between us.
True, it is hard as hell to find other people with whom we are able to have authentic intimacy and mutuality. And we need to be selective. But it is also true that by creating spaces of safety, compassion and recognition within ourselves, we will create those people (and they us). Just ask Om.
Noah, thank you. And Om, thank you too. I am going to sit with all of these ideas for a while and see where they lead me--internally and externally.
The blue grey sky outside my window is fading to black. The bare branches of the trees are silhouetted against the darkening horizon and the snow covered rooftops. I could hibernate indefinitely except for this voice inside screaming "WAKE UP!"
If my fear is a desert I must cross, it is also an oasis, or perhaps just a mirage. Perhaps it is all of those things? Yes, it is all of those things and none of those things if I understand (cognitively) some of the ideas on this blog.
It's black outside now, but inside there is a glimmer of light. I'm going to sit by it for just a little while longer. And then I'm going to venture out and let my eyes adjust and see what happens when I take one step straigtht into the fear.
When we think about how we are to respond to the world, we no doubt mean how to respond to our basic insecurity in the world. This insecurity is based on a knowing, however conscious or unconscious, simple or complex, of our basic impermanence and groundlessness as individual “selves.” Yes, we will all at some point die. We will cease to exist. But, believe it or not, that is not the existential anxiety we suffer from most. Death is not at the heart of our suffering; but the awareness that the “self” we reside in, the self we, with all our mights, believe in and grasp onto, the self we think we are, is at the core of our pain.
As I read Sasha’s posts, I see all of us struggling with the slings and arrows of outrageous beliefs inculcated by ridiculous men striving for the impossible and unreasonable power of selfhood. At the heart of Sasha’s suffering are two things: again, the belief in a permanent, independent self; and a dualistic way of understanding that self and the world that mirrors it.
The dualistic mode of being tries to control the world; the nondual mode, that is, that mode that repudiates the ascribed independent, permanent self, opens to the world without care and thus with only care. It is according to which realization we live by that will determine how we experience suffering and whether we will be helpless to that suffering. Further, the intimacy we speak of here on the blog is also dependent upon which view we live.
Make it clear: dualism is based on fear; nonduality is based on love. So for Sasha and the rest of us, it is practice that will transform suffering into happiness because practice means engaging our whole beings in how we think about the way we think. And how we think involves how we think about our embodiment, our perceptions, our conceptualizations, our feelings, our actions. Not one of these aspects of consciousness is ever excluded from how we think and the beliefs formed out of that mode of thinking.
One concrete example of this is how we tend to moralize our behavior: we see ourselves as either good/bad, right/wrong, this way or that, etc. if, however, I experienced my relationships in terms of responsibility, that is, my ability to respond to the relationship, I will stay open to my need for responsiveness. You see, there is no self to be bad, good, right, or wrong. There is only a relational consciousness responding to the needs of the relationship, in such a way, as to seek relational balance. From this perspective, the self that we acknowledge exists, exists only to serve that higher relational balance. The paradox, of course, is that when the balance is met, the existent self feels happy.
I am fascinated with time. Time rules me. Time is indifferent to me. Time destroys me. And yet, time isn’t even real. Time tells me that all phenomena, everything, is impermanent, and yet nothing is impermanent. Nor is anything, including time, permanent. There is only one thing trickier than time: language. Without language, there is no time. For example, as David Loy tells us, “Without nouns, there are no referents for verbs (past, present, and future tenses). When there are no things that have an existence in time, then it makes no sense to describe someone as being young or old.” What would it mean if you and I didn’t exist in time? For one thing, we would realize that phenomena, things, are time, fundamentally because they have no existence outside of time. The individual self, as a thing, is time, again, because it has no existence outside of time. And so, if the self is time, it means it is process, a flowing of consciousness, at times appearing as thinglike (particle) and, at other times, as thoughtlike (wave). Like time, self flows through life containing everything in it and thus never separate from anything it contains.
And so, what’s the point of this little nondual formulation? If I am, as an individual subject, as Jessica Benjamin suggests, “fundamentally like you but unfathomably different and outside your control,” how do I reconcile this inherent tension of difference, caused by the shadow of you, with the nondual proposition of inseparability?
This is typically where readers get thrown off. As the Zen master Dogen says, “To study the Way is to study the self, to study the self is to forget the self, to forget the self is to be enlightened by the ten thousand things.” The irreconcilable relationship between self (or things, time, etc.) and no-self is only an apparent one if we engage in the process of understanding self. This is why I find the therapeutic process so valuable. The very focus on and privileging of self, as it unpacks its very thought process, invariably leads to its (dissolution). Which doesn’t mean the self disappears; it merely means it transforms and expands as a reality and thus includes more perspectives from which to dislodge any tendency to grasp at only one perspective. This slow, unfolding process is quite exquisite as some of you may know. Just turning language over on its head alone opens up what was before a claustrophobic world. And then the self starts opening in ways it never opened before. And opening means fundamentally changing self-perception. And when you change, as the saying goes, the world changes with you.
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I see the scene that this photo describes with some distance: The mother reaching, the photographer/father behind and above her, the baby, the cord, the attentive adults, the radiant light. It is very self contained. It looks perfectly complete.
It reminds me of the moment of Noah's birth after his long struggle to be born. He looked beat up but determined. And for me, here is this new person to whom I am instantly completely committed to. No reservation. Nothing held back. How did it happen? Suddenly my life was in a different context. A pure pleasure unlike anything ever felt before.
That you have had some similar experience makes me happy and reconnects me to wonder.
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First, I am captivated by
First, I am captivated by the enormity of the content, the experience of being born, of giving birth, of witnessing this moment from all the available possible perspectives (child, mother, father, doctor, nurses, aides, audience)... it's a little like Krishna revealing himself to Arjuna in Chapter 11 of the Bhagavad Gita... the multiplicity of perspectives is almost overwhelming.
But then instantly I feel held in that enormity (which seems "complete", as Arnold describes it) by the light and dark, by the hand reaching up as it to reach out and hold or protect him (I love we only see his backside, how we in life cannot see our own) and so my wonderment feels also assuaged, calmed by that gesture.
The light and dark also, immediately (it's a pretty immediate and overwhelming photo for me... at the same time incredibly still) recalls Renaissance paintings... maybe a Rembrandt, definitely a Caravaggio. Typical in these paintings would be a central feature of story, a focus that is of utmost importance... the conversion of St Paul or the beheading of someone, the kiss identifying Christ to the Roman guards. The audience looks on the event each with a diverse aspect, facial expression, each totally unique, contained in their personal experience, each tangibly connecting to the central story, re-iterating the emotion we feel, each telling more of the whole story, but also somehow falling short (as we also do) of grasping the energetic or sublime significance of the event. Whether it is that they do fail (of course they do not) or the painter does, or emotion cannot contain or expression cannot or representation cannot (and emotional expression on face and gesture does not contain) the feeling, the awe, wonderment, significance. The power of this of course is that it heightens our - the viewer's - experience of how awesome this moment is. And in grasping that height emotionally, we enter the experience of the wonderment that we already intuitively know. It is the power of rhetoric to sustain a feeling alongside of an idea that you already intuitively perceive.
And the hand of the mother reaches up as it to say it's ok.
It's ok.
You've made it. You're here already.
The miracle is this, and you're here.
I fucking love this photo so much I can't stand it.
I really can't.
It is not a photograph.
Everyone is present here in this moment.
THANK YOU DEAR FRIENDS. WHY I CHOSE THIS PHOTO
In Rembrandt’s `The Night Watch,’ like the mother giving birth in this photo, there is an interplay of light and shadow. Once noticed, its essentiality is revealed. In both the painting and photo, it is the shadow that reveals the hand’s reach and depth. There are shadows all around us, and it is through the shadows of world, impermanence and change, that life emerges, moment to moment. Shadow and light, though having secret lives, are inseparable from experience and, in a fundamental way, cause experience.
I chose this photo because it is, paradoxically, impersonal, and so, universal. The mother’s hand is the archetypal hand of a priestess blessing the child on the altar of birth. She is both literally and metaphorically giving birth. She is the feminine giving blood for life, opening to the world its potentiality for love. It is only by virtue of opening that life can exist. Opening as emotional awareness is the gift of psychic and relational life. The feminine intuitively knows this. And she is surrounded by other women, one smiling, one holding her heart, and one holding the newborn, a boy, bent over as if prostrating. And the white-lit umbilical corded helix connects the infant to life, which literally is the mother, and now the world.
What will become of this boy who now, surrounded by the feminine, has to face a violent, imbalanced world, where the same blood, now below him, will spill from above, across landscapes of poverty and genocide, war and isolation, mostly from the hands of men? Will this boy hold the light, his father asks, one hand over his face in tears, and the other supporting the mother’s head? The chaos and beauty of birth before him he sees, but the awareness of the uncertainty and responsibility both he and the boy have is also present. The father sees before him the past, the shadows of war his own father got swallowed into, and the family he destroyed. The secret life of shadow is always present and inseparable from the light that gives us hope. But, the hope must be a living hope, an active, never-tiring hope cultivated as practice, as mindfulness, compassion, wisdom, and lovingkindness. It must be lived out there in the world. The mother and father are about to release the son into the world. The father is about to cut the cord and, as the cord falls, the light and shadow continue to shift.
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Hi Om, I love yours and Merleau-ponty's formulation of emotions being a way into and beyond things/ourselves. I just got back from a sort of workshop type deal with Mark Epstein and Sharon Salzberg; the attendance was predominately therapists and social workers interested in bridging Buddhist psychology and psychoanalytic practice. This is obviously not only your forte Om, but something we have discussed here on the blog with, frankly, a significantly greater degree of (radical) inquiry than I felt was happening at this event. That aside, both Mark and Sharon shared a few gems of clarity in language and insight, one of which brought me back to our recent discussion.
I believe it was actually Salzberg who said, roughly, that by and large we tend to direct our attention to the object toward which our emotions are directed, instead of the experience of the emotion itself. As in attending to the fantasy of a new car instead of the sensation of desiring itself.
In a certain sense this is totally obvious and not at all a novel thought, and yet the simplicity and clarity of the statement really resonated with me and helped focus a whole thought process I've been having for some time. Because with such a simple (though radical) redirection of attention, the ground of presence is completely altered. It is not just a matter of plain observation, but active inquiry and investigation into the experience of emotion that really makes the difference.
You write, "when we experience a feeling, for example, something else, a thought, quickly takes over, which makes it difficult to identify what the feeling is; which, in turn, makes it difficult to relate to the feeling, and what the arising of that feeling is in relation to or dependent on." I'd probably experience that thought as a kind of fixation on whatever I've identified as the externality precipitating the emotion. And when the focus of attention is on that object, in my experience there often results a state of confusion, which leads either to regrettable action or (more likely) paralysis.
But if I make that most basic of change of focus (which I am now able to articulate as that single, simple step) something amazing happens. In a sense it is as if the whole stance subtly changes from one of defensiveness and confusion to one of curiosity and innocence. What I really mean by innocence is a willingness to be free of (or perhaps inherent freedom from) presumption. This is the place from which judgment is perceived as such.
Anger is actually the most interesting to me because toward the object or situation I will feel both a deep aversion (hate, rejection, defensiveness, desire to destroy), in which I find fear; but simultaneously, a genuine impulse toward, a desire to break down or penetrate a barrier of understanding, a need to contact and know in intimacy, to offer and receive recognition in relation. I encounter the latter in the deepest sense of anger, belied by frustration and easily transmuted into fear.
I just connected this in my mind recently, but its actually quite amazing to me because as it turns out, I experience anger to be rooted in and energized by deep caring! This is almost totally obvious, yet without that basic shift of attention and interest, from the object to the energy by which it is perceived, it is a difficult insight to experience. But in my mind, only after re(cognizing;) in this way are we able to act well through anger, but out of caring.
In some way this suggests to me the color and obliqueness you were speaking to and the openness inherent in feeling into feeling. As the light changes, so too the color.
RESPONSE TO NOAH'S `EMOTION IN MOTION'
NOAH: … in bridging Buddhist psychology and psychoanalytic practice…. we have discussed here on the blog with, frankly, a significantly greater degree of (radical) inquiry than I felt was happening at this event.
OM: Noah, I really loved this post for the clarity you bring to understanding just how a relatively (which is ultimately, a radical) small perceptual shift in focus can be the difference between suffering and a peaceful mind. With that said, I would like to speculate on what you thought makes our (the blog) “inquiry” into “Buddhist psychology” and psychoanalytic practice more “radical” then Mark and Sharon’s seminar. If I am correct, Mark and Sharon had begun their paths as Buddhists (I’m certain this is true for Mark) and then incorporated depth-centered psychology into their practices; rather than, as in my case, for example, my path was exclusively psychoanalytically driven and, only later, did my affinity for Buddhist philosophy and meditation practice take hold. I can’t say for sure that this difference would influence both the language we use to metamorphize mind and its relationship to world, and what we focus on in that particular inquiry; but I intuitively feel (as well as, from what I have read) that both the language and the focus of inquiry is distinctly different. For example, if we start from a psychoanalytic perspective, a tremendous amount of historical clinical analysis has focused on the self, either psychobiologically through drives and impulses related to fantasy, on the object relations constituting the self, or any number of variations between the two. Further, the objective of the psychoanalytic mode is to strengthen the self, cohering it in such a way as to enable it to adapt better in the relational world. Even if you are “postmodernly”
Inclined and take, for example, a radical social constructivist clinical and theoretical stance, and thus deconstruct the whole notion of self and its cultural ties, as a therapist you will generally remain in the dualism of self/object reality. This, in and of itself, I feel is, if not a good, than a useful thing because it contextualizes western psychology in ways that help it hone in on the rubs and snags of psychological and spiritual development (eg, psychological ruptures affecting one’s state of mind). One way, for example, is to understand the psychological development of selfhood in western culture and thus gaining a greater phenomenological view of `why’ self fails to develop beyond selfhood. Though the vast majority of therapy in our culture is unaware and therefore holding a preconceived belief in the “reality” of self, when indeed we integrate the unqualifiable wisdom of Buddhist philosophy with an open and yet robust psychoanalytic methodology, that “reality” is qualified as conventional existence, not as ultimate reality. This is simply nonduality and, in my opinion, it is impossible to study self properly without the philosophical rigor of Buddhism or another form of nondual philosophy. It’s like climbing a mountain; the higher the elevation you reach, the greater the perspective. An object (such as the self) appears differently when height (or depth) is achieved. And the difference is its fundamental lack of self-existence. That is what we have been inquiring on the blog.
NOAH: I believe it was actually Salzberg who said, roughly, that “by and large we tend to direct our attention to the object toward which our emotions are directed, instead of the experience of the emotion itself.”
OM: Great point and, as you have shared and quoted, I specifically addressed this in my last post: "when we experience a feeling, for example, something else, a thought, quickly takes over, which makes it difficult to identify what the feeling is; which, in turn, makes it difficult to relate to the feeling, and what the arising of that feeling is in relation to or dependent on."
To address this dilemma, the conventional therapeutic approach would help the patient to better understand her emotions and the belief systems that perpetuate emotional pain. Further, the therapist might help the patient develop better strategies to help regulate emotions and therefore behavior.
The Buddhist psychologist would likely, as Sharon and Mark explained, help the patient stay focused on the feeling and work to transform the negative feeling into a positive one that would foster more compassion. In this way, it feels more cognitive than affect- (emotion) and relationally-based.
What I so thoroughly love about psychoanalytic inquiry is the sheer aesthetic beauty of its process and how it honors the comprehensibility and reach of the human psyche. Freeing mind from all negative afflictive emotions is a monumental many-lifetime process. The better we understand the totality of mind as “an embodied and relational process,” with significant historically determined structures, the better prepared and equipped we are to thoroughly dismantle its hold on individual consciousness.
Now, specifically addressing your point, which is one of redirecting attention to one’s feelings, rather than on the object of one’s feelings. In order to thoroughly reach that node of understanding (where one can actually redirect her attention), a rigorous and committed therapeutic process (which may not necessarily be called “therapy”) of inquiry or interrogation must take place. Then, if one has reached the level of understanding to contextually redirect attention, as you say, “the ground of presence is completely altered. It is not just a matter of plain observation, but active inquiry and investigation of the experience of emotion that really makes the difference. ”
That's correct Om, Mark came
That's correct Om, Mark came to psychiatry after immersing himself in Buddhist psychology; Sharon isn't really psychoanalytically oriented at all, as far as I can tell, and focuses more on the therapeutic benefits and practice of meditation, somewhat absent (at least explicitly) the philosophical and mythological underpinnings.
I feel like Mark would agree with your assessment of psychoanalysis in relation to Buddhist psychology, and as you stated, it is indeed our focus on the nature of self when viewed from greater perspectives that makes the discussion here feel more "radical."
What I see as the big difference, if not in their personal views then at least in how they presented yesterday, is that though they addressed Sunyata or Emptiness, and specifically the lack of inherently existing self, they treated it as sort of an advanced philosophical position probably beyond the ken of the lecture, as opposed to a foundational and inevitable perspective from which the psychoanalytic process is contextualized and examined (by way of Buddhist wisdom).
Though they didn't say it this directly or with this particular language, the extent to which they went and what I took from it, was more or less as follows: The self is relational process which does exist nominally, as a conventional realty, but not inherently as an ultimately realty. And so if we are going to speak psychologically we can speak about the self and its development as usual, but if we want to speak more ontologically or spiritually, we will speak about the self in terms of its emptiness, or the fact that it is not actually imputed from its own side. The latter is important, indeed the relational nature of self is key to psychotherapy, but it may or may not be necessary for you to understand non-self and its a pretty complicated issue anyway.
Here is where I find that attitude to be unsatisfying: It seems to me that the very fact that from a psychoanalytic perspective we are already taking the self as a process occurring by and through relation portends the absence of inherent, independent self-existence. In the same way that through deep and earnest investigation of the appearance of causality, we find an opening to recognizing emptiness, the fact that the psychoanalytic process works in the first place suggests to me the non-inherent self. That is, if we choose to examine the ontological context in which psychoanalysis is possible to begin with, which has always been a cornerstone of the discussion here.
In a way this is always the most important component for me, without which the whole project seems to lose its footing. Psychological development seems not only a natural opening into spiritual development, but also necessarily contextualized by it. And so the ontological understanding of the self, in a real integration of the two disciplines, is not some esoteric philosophical point. It is the integrating perspective.
I did get the sense from Epstein that he would agree with this, and probably brought this directly into his engagement with psychoanalysis, so I'm not totally sure why it wasn't more front and center. He probably goes more into it in his books, which I haven't read. But I do see your point, that the therapeutic process necessarily precedes the more subtle (and radical) shifts of awareness involved in spiritual development, so while these more global inquiries may be very important to me, they aren't necessarily helpful to a room full of therapists looking to develop their clinical skills.
BOOBIES, BUDDHISM, AND NO BOOBIES: RESPONSE TO NOAH
NOAH: Here is where I find that attitude to be unsatisfying: It seems to me that the very fact that from a psychoanalytic perspective we are already taking the self as a process occurring by and through relation portends the absence of inherent, independent self-existence. In the same way that through deep and earnest investigation of the appearance of causality, we find an opening to recognizing emptiness, the fact that the psychoanalytic process works in the first place suggests to me the non-inherent self. That is, if we choose to examine the ontological context in which psychoanalysis is possible to begin with, which has always been a cornerstone of the discussion here.
OM: Noah, I find your formulation to be quite satisfying! Unfortunately, what is obvious to you, me, and, it seems, most people here on the blog, is that “from a psychoanalytic perspective we are already taking the self as a process [yes!!!] occurring by and through relation portends the absence of inherent, independent existence.” Now, even if we weren’t deeply immersed in psychoanalytic theories, the basic notion of interiority, the keystone of psychoanalysis, logically leads to the fundamental question: What is self? I have honestly never understood how one is possible to study psychoanalysis without including its philosophical (ontological) base. Just to remind ourselves, the ontological refers to the level of being, or reality we are exploring; such as, for example, body, mind, or spirit. If we view psychotherapy from the narrow perspective of body, or even mind, we are limited by the fragmentation such a view inherits. We view the individual, not as a process of interconnectedness, as Noah argues, but as an isolated, separate entity having a divided mind. Anyone who is intimately engaged in relationships or has a better understanding of the quantum nature of matter, has to question, not only why we stay stuck in this dualistic paradigm, but how it’s possible to ignore the radical relativity of this “thing” called self. In the real world of perceptual experience, for example, we do not experience self, other, and world separately; they all coextend and co-arise together. So, in treating patients, whether you use this unique expressive language or not, by isolating self in your own mind, you are creating a hollow, sterile, unintimate therapeutic experience. The dynamic, messy as it is, must stay alive! and the process must remain fluid. A very simple example: Two therapists, both addressing a patient who is resisting the therapeutic process. One shrink says, “So, how is therapy going?” The other shrink says, “What’s going on here in our relationship?” Now, this may sound inconsequential, but the subtle shift in emphasis from the abstract category of therapy completely robs the relationship of its over-spilling nature. The second shrink is living the process and so is able to go ontologically!!! deeper into the meanings of (and thus, interrogate) “selfhood.” Cool, right? :) Here’s another cool example. My newborn infant son loves the boobie and I have quickly learned, when he’s in my arms, the boobie dance. Now, viewing him and myself as relationship or process, rather than two separate beings, helps me to understand not only how vital mommy’s boobie is; but also how important the transitional period is between daddy’s arms and mommy’s boobie. My soothing him (ha!) makes the boobie that much more blissful and integrative.
NOAH: In a way this is always the most important component for me, without which the whole project seems to lose it’s footing. Psychological development seems not only a natural opening into spiritual development, but also necessarily contextualized by it. And so the ontological understanding of the self, in a real integration of the two disciplines, is not some esoteric philosophical point. It is the integrating perspective.
OM: the “integrating perspective’ is the vital point here. Integration (integrare, L. for “to make whole”) means, not so much making an ultimate whole out of parts, but rather: every whole is a part of a larger whole ad infinutm. There is no ultimate One, but a whole fused web of interrelatedness existing and dependent upon infinite causes and conditions. As such, we may very loosely consider Buddhist philosophy/practice and psychoanalytic process as a complementary methodological inquiry into the nature of self, and so, reality.
Forget to be confused
Noah and Om, thank you for your responses to my Rilke post from January 22. I have been letting your words sink in, and they have transformed my experience in a subtle way that I am only now beginning to understand. Something clicked. Noah, you wrote “forget to be confused.” You wrote this in the context a post suggesting that confusion is an act of will. Om, you reiterated this advice and added that “[w]e ‘feel’ confused when we cling to reifications—things—even if those things are thoughts.”
When my mind has become scattered this past week, spewing thoughts incoherently (and painfully), I have forgotten to be confused, and it worked! During sittings not only did it work, but it opened up a stillness that I had not yet experienced in over a year of meditations. I was able to experience rising and falling emotions without thoughts “quickly tak[ing] over." This seems so elementary to me as I write this down. But there was a profound shift that I am excited to explore--is the shift is a result of something as simple as letting go of my thoughts as opposed to clinging to them? How are those thoughts willful? They seem subconscious.
Salzberg’s comment, that we tend to direct our attention to the object toward which our emotions are directed, seems to be another way of saying “forget to be confused” or that we “cling to reifications.” Am I comparing apples to apples to apples?
For me, I often experience thoughts not in the direction of externalities precipitating emotions, but rather in the direction of externalities onto which I project my emotions. This projection is often defensive. The emotions are often hidden and difficult to identify because of this thought-reaction, but by forgetting the confusion, based on my (extremely limited) experience, “the whole stance subtly changes from one of defensiveness and confusion to one of curiosity and innocence,” as Noah describes. I cannot know if I shared your experience, Noah, but your description is consistent.
I love that you use “innocence” in your formulation because it resonates with me, although I do not know if I can articulate why. Legally, innocence entails a lack of guilt. In the religious context, innocence often connotes a lack of sin. I think that the subtle change you describe, for me, might feel innocent because there is a lack of shame.
karma and emotion
if i feel karmically blessed, it is for one main reason (which, naturally, is connected to various other main reasons ;).
it goes without saying that i'm glad that my karmic stream has made a seeker out of me. but there are lots of seekers, and many of them don't go the distance. i haven't, of course, but i know that i will. one of the reasons that i feel so confident is this main reason i feel karmically blessed: i am better trained at focusing my attention on the feeling rather than the thought and/or on dismantling the construction. what i mean by that is simple and can be simply and powerfully explained. people talk sometimes about an "oceanic" feeling, this feeling of oneness, or of God, or whatever. it's this really great feeling -- and i know it, because i've experienced it too. often people take that feeling to be it, and so did i -- for a moment. i decided that i had experienced emptiness. and for a time this served me as a useful experiential illustration of a difficult concept, and as a source of confidence and motivation -- and so, for a while, i held onto it to use it in that way. but then i began to feel more well-grounded in that confidence, and i didn't need that moment to spur me on any longer, and i got to look at it more critically. i examined the experience and realized that i had only glimpsed a step along the path -- that the mere thought "i have experienced emptiness" reflected the grasping/limitation of the experience. this, of course, is a process, and thus i am as guilty as everyone else when it comes to getting addicted to my thoughts, constructions, fantasies, etc. but what goes hand-in-hand with my ability -- at least after i'm no longer as reliant on them -- to question these creations is my comfort with the groundlessness and paradox these questions always lead to. i actually get more excited when i realize that i had cemented over a patch of groundlessness. i find that people are often frightened by that which excites me most, that they often shy away from that which i seek out. i wish everyone sought it out -- but i'm very grateful that, at least, i do, and that that many others before me (including me!) have done a good enough job that all the tools i need to make this more directed and focuses are right here.
i experience my emotions as a lens through which to view the world: it is a much clearer focus than the other lenses i've tried on over the years, and it feels much more peaceful -- no matter the emotion. i don't really have to think about my emotions terribly often. it's just in those tough areas that i have yet to master that i really have to work hard to keep my attention. i'm so susceptible to falling down a well in some areas, and in those the emotion is more like a lens covered by grease, or perhaps better is to say that there's some muck covering over something and i don't even realize yet that it's just another one of those crystal clear lenses. what i love about the clarity i've cultivated over the last several years is that now, for the most part (which is an amazing thing to say: for the most part -- and though it will get truer, it already is true), i don't have to bother naming my emotions -- but if i'd like to, i can. i can imagine a world in which i feel clearly all of my emotions -- but because those few areas i'm still struggling with are such a large part of my experience, i do still feel held back and drudged down. and this, again, i take to be a great strength. i feel pretty darn good most of the time: and yet i still don't feel comfortable. and i shouldn't: i still have more work to do first.
JAMES, A QUESTION AND CHALLENGE FOR YOU
You say, " i don't really have to think about my emotions terribly often. it's just in those tough areas that i have yet to master that i really have to work hard to keep my attention. i'm so susceptible to falling down a well in some areas, and in those the emotion is more like a lens covered by grease, or perhaps better is to say that there's some muck covering over something and i don't even realize yet that it's just another one of those crystal clear lenses."
I'm not sure what you mean by not having to "think about your emotions terribly often." Is that because you're aware of them and they're not triggering you? Also, what are those "tough [emotional] areas" you're referring to? If you don't think about your emotions often (ie, stay mindful of them), how are you able to discern which emotion is which? And, how is it possible to separate out those "tough" emotions from others when you can't name them? In other words, what is the phenomenology of this event, your direct experience in consciousness?
I personally don't trust the unconscious enough to not stay constantly awake to what arises, emotionally speaking? But, you used the term "think about" and, knowing how precise you are with language, I have learned not to be presumptuous with you :)
Clarity / Action / Freedom = Growth
For several days I have been reading the rich exchange on this very special blog. Feasting on the thoughts, emotions and wonderful images, yet unable to step in, and not understanding what was blocking me. Then I read your recent posting Noah and your words: “It is not just a matter of plain observation, but active inquiry and investigation into the experience of emotion that really makes the difference.” resonnated so intensely, I had to try stepping in again. So here I go:
I recently had an experience at a new job which I am still struggling to fully process. The situation reminds me of Paul Ekman, who once said, “Emotions unite and divide the worlds in which we live, both personal and global, motivating the best and the worst of our actions.” and Noah your thoughts regarding one’s investigation into the emotions rather than merely the action.
The situation was not unusual in many ways. I was being asked to do something which I didn’t feel was right. How many times have each of us been faced with this delema. The difficult aspect for me was I was being asked to implement a decision, which would adversely affect 4 lives (a mother and her 3 children). Their futures were going to be permanently altered because the mother had a mental illness and had been judged unworthy by her sponsor to continue studying in this country. Although she was fully functioning and her oldest son would graduate from high school this spring, they were being forced to leave, to return to their home country where a civil war was brewing. Her oldest would be branded an illiterate for life without his diploma.
I tried unsuccessfuly to plead her case and that of her children. My emotions were intense and overwhelming. How could I live with myself, knowing I had implemented such a heartless decision. Why couldn’t I make the decision-makers see the injustice of their decree? What if this woman had a psychodic episode and endangered herself, her children or others as she digested the impact of the news I was to carry to her.
I felt paralysed by my own emotions. How could I remain honest to my own ethics and enforce a declaration of rejection on these four innocent human beings. And if I did my boss’ bidding what about the next time, or the next…. What about the needs of my own family. Did I really want to send the message to my son, that you do what is right when it is easy, but when it becomes difficult it is ok to move the line of morality, if only a little to ease your conscience. In the end I couldn’t do it. I examined my motives from many different angles. My answer didn’t shift from its origin. The emotions I felt were both for the suffering this woman and her 3 children were going to experience and an intense realization that I was feeling her pain and could not let go of doing what I deeply felt was right, no matter what the personal consequences were going to be.
So out of a deep sense of compassion and connectedness with this family I resigned. I shall never forget the cold empty stare of my boss and our VP when I gave my reasons. They took it personally. I tried not to sound judgemental or superior. Stund by my actions they refused to talk to me during my last few days in the office. Interestingly, I felt an overwhelming sense of freedom and peace, eventhough I was again unemployed with no prospects. I couldn’t alter the discriminatory actions against this innocent woman and her children, however, I wasn’t going to condone it or rationalize it away, because it was the “easier” path to take. I was reminded of David Loy’s words in The Dharma of Dragons and Daemons, “Awakening to my nonduality wit the world, realizing that I am not other than my world. I am not ‘in’ the world, I am a manifestation of it.” My interconnectedness with this woman and her children was the essence of my being at this moment in time.
Since that announcement, I have been overwhelmed by the reactions of my staff, colleagues and employees who I hadn’t really gotten to know except on the elevator in passing. People stopped by my office, sent emails, etc to tell me how much they respected my actions. When the announcement of my departure went out to the regional offices, I received two private messages filled with unexpected kind thoughts. Why was doing the right thing, considered such an extrodinary act? I questioned my motives, the results of my actions, what other options I had or more importantly the impact of this action on the individuals who’s rights were being denied them. I sent my family away for the holiday weekend so I wouldn’t be distracted or influenced by my spouse’s anxiety. I felt compled yet guilty (for my actions were going to affect my family) and had to examine my own emotions wraped around these feelings.
I’m still puzzled by the gratitude and praise I have received for taking what I thought was the only ethical decision. Ironically I am more comfortable with the cold stares of rejection by my superiors than the warm words of admiration and support. I realize my reaction stems from being abused as a child and expecting to be rejected or blamed for whatever goes wrong. But instead of internalizing the negative, this experience has given me the chance to examine my emotional reactions as the observer more than the player. In a small way, my own personal awareness has been elevated in a very freeing manor.
I’m left feeling humbled and empowered yet most of all a bit more free from my own afflictive emotional chains which held me back for so many years, if not life-times. Perhaps the familiar anonymous verse is more true than I realized:
Sow a thought and reap a deed.
Sow a deed and reap a habit.
Sow a habit and reap a character.
Sow a character and reap a destiny.
In closing, thank you Noah for sparking this step of clarity.
Om Gum Ganapatayei Namaha
I am moved
I am moved by your struggle and by your ultimate refusal to take part in the removal of this family, whose offense boils down to breathing their first breaths outside our arbitrarily-drawn borders, and then being deemed unfit to remain because of a human ailment. It saddens me that our society treats fellow beings with such injustice.
Asher, thanks
Asher, I agree with your comments regarding the state of our society. I'm not certain what is worse, the act of injustice or the passivity of those who are still able to recognize an injustice when they see it, but look the other way. Is it because as David Loy explains, humans feel an overwhelming sense of lack in their lives and either try to exert power over others or feel powerless to act. There are many examples of this happening through the ages of time and yet we seem unable to stop it from spreading through the land. Just think what this world would be like if we universally recognized our interconnectedness and acted accordingly.
Bodhi, thank you
I am struck by the strong sense of clarity and empowerment I feel in reading your account of this experience. I can relate to the people offering you praise and gratitude because your clarity is illuminating; and I think when someone acts with such ethical conviction and luminosity we all may see more clearly in that light.
A deep insight acted into the world like this must confer some wisdom and courage into the seeing of others too. This would be consistent the the interconnected view.
Its easy to have ideas about these things and write about them, ten thousand fold harder to really know as embodiment and action. So I am indeed truly grateful that you've been able to navigate such a profound ethical and emotional conflict with such introspective poise, and have shared it with us here. I've never faced a situation like this, but if and when I do I will have your example to help me find similar strength.
FROM BOBBY SOX TO BODHI SOCKS A ONE-TWO
Bodhi, your story reminds me of an HBO film I recently saw called `The Girl in the Cafe.' I strongly recommend it; it's quite a beautiful and inspiring story. The epigraph for the film was Nelson Mandela's famous quote: "Sometimes it falls upon a generation to be great. You can be that great generation." This is your story, Bodhi. Your willingness to practice your practice, to live in your truth. But, most importantly, you based your decision on the ultimate truth of reality which, when deeply understood, generates compassion, all the way up and all the way down. Compassion has many faces, including what is known as Satyagraha or nonviolent resistance. Yours was a protest of advocacy, a standing up and against complacency and ignorance. A very rare action these days. What also struck me was the teacher in you who said, What do I want my son to learn in this world? Am I the parent I want to be? To align ourselves with our ideals and being willing, WITH SKILLFUL MEANS, to fight for them, is what we want our children to learn. The only failure in life is passivity. For me, the emotional passivity of not asserting oneself, withdrawing from and thus, not being in, or fighting for, relationship mark the type of failures that cause the most suffering.
Well, Bodhi, like Simon Wiesenthal, you asserted and we are all the more blessed for it. Thank you.
Om Mani Padme Hum
Hi Asher
"is the shift is a result of something as simple as letting go of my thoughts as opposed to clinging to them? How are those thoughts willful? They seem subconscious."
I feel like that's exactly it. Not that the thoughts are subconscious, because we are certainly aware of them, but that we really don't have much control over them. They just occur and cascade and repeat endlessly. So I just recently got this too. I used to have so much trouble getting into meditation because I thought that I had to stop thinking, or keep myself from thinking, and I mean I'd read plenty about it but I still sort of believed that my thinking was something that I was doing, and should be able to alter or control.
But its all started to change as I've sort of given up that idea. The only thing we can really do, I think, is choose where to direct our bare attention, our naked awareness. So by just allowing the thoughts, even watching them go by, but choosing not to peruse them it, just sort of starts to release a little bit doesn't it? In taking that view, it is as if the content of the thought begins to lose interest as the process of the thought (how it echoes and ripples across the mind) becomes very interesting.
I also sometimes experience a lot of back pain while sitting, and in similar way, I've started becoming interested in the way in which I perceive the pain. The pain itself looses (some) of its interest (as aversion) and what becomes interesting is instead the way in which the pain is known and evolves, and the cascade of thoughts and feelings that bounce around as a result of noticing it.
Almost like if your looking at the ocean, watching the waves, and then you start to become interested not in the individual waves themselves but instead the medium (the water) in which they appear.
Yeah that innocence is curious, and that comment you made about shame really grabbed me. Maybe that is it exactly, because so often I've felt shame with respect to my thoughts and feelings, but in that little shift of focus shame, as well as any other quality really, kind of drops away.
NOAH AND ASHER, MEDITATION AND THOUGHT PRODUCTS
Noah, as you have pointed out, there are a number of ways to skin meditation and at times the language of instruction may be a bit confusing, particularly in terms of “thoughts” and “the thinker” of the thoughts. Meditation, like any process, evolves in stages and I think it important to first just get mind increasingly comfortable with sitting and getting quiet. To turn the experience of meditation into an activity of achievement is the first problem. Of course, this is a paradox, because mental activity itself is achievement-oriented; it emerges causally and so seeks effects. The second problem is taking sitting too seriously, and is connected to the first problem. It means we are taking ourselves too seriously and thus strengthening ego. Of course, this is a paradox, too, because we must take ourselves seriously enough to take ourselves less seriously. To follow strict traditions about sitting, such as, rigid postures, reflects the vestiges of a patriarchal lineage that is more about obedience than realization. I sit on a chair and smile my way through sitting.
As far as thoughts, don’t think that we are aware of all of them. That is dangerous. We are only aware of those that do not feel laden with conflict. This is why meditation at times is easier than other times. The unconscious is a strong force and the mind does seem to have a mind of its own! If thoughts are unconscious, however, we obviously can’t dissolve them, but that’s why meditation is a process practice.
I’d like to hear more about “bare attention” from your perspective, Noah. For me bare attention is gently clearing out (as if with a feathered broom) thought products (thought-feelings) and, for beginning meditators, focusing on the cycle of in-breath/out-breath vis-à-vis counting to 10, is an excellent way to begin cultivating mind’s capacity for controlling thought products. Once we have a sufficient mastery, the focus on breath and counting will become unnecessary. Again though, as a process, it may be too difficult at first to clear out thoughts. The anxious, distracted personality has particular difficulty with “just” sitting. Relaxing body and using visualization techniques may help.
Recognizing that stillness and silence are mind’s natural states (as opposed to wresting mind into obeisance) will certainly help the process.
Sitting
I have been mediating for quite a while now, and still, feel that each time, I am beginning anew. My thoughts wander all over the place but then I see them, and in the seeing, I bring myself home. I leave home and come back, sometimes, many times in a sitting. Other times. I am struck how the time has passed and I have been where I am been: sitting on my cushion. The most difficult adjustment for me has been to clear away the need to think and to feel as a way to prove to myself that I am alive.
Response to Om
I think bare attention is simply a focus of intention, through which the awareness that lacks quality becomes apparent. That this awareness has no quality of its own makes it rather difficult to talk about.
The breath is very grounding and it's simple to direct attention to it. If I get lost in thought, I simply point myself back to the breath. Being aware of the breath is different than thinking about the breath. I find that awareness of the breath is little different than awareness of any other thought-product, emotion, or sensation, except that breath connects me to my presence here and now. I am a beginning meditator for sure, so this practice is very helpful to me in learning how to direct and hold my attention in the present. That is, how to honor my intention.
I've heard the mind described like the surface of the pond. Every sensory input or thought makes a splash that ripples out and finally subsides in stillness. Inevitably, thoughts and sensations disturb the calm, but in simply letting them pass without pursuing or attaching to them, they naturally subside and dissolve on their own. I've found that by directing my attention toward the breath and not involving it with the thoughts that arise while I sit, over time (say, 40 minutes or so) the mind naturally, though gradually, becomes more still. In working at holding the bare attention in one place, the indescribable awareness becomes apparent. As thoughts arise, my intention is to form no opinion about them, but to simply remain with the breath as they pass across and disturb my mind. I quickly find that all sensations (that back pain, for example) come into consciousness attached to thoughts, and so their gross presence in awareness is actually similar to thinking, or can be treated as such. I think it is learning to control the attention that we begin to reduce distraction and create the space for unattached awareness to arise.
Also, the basic awareness is different, to my mind, from the so called witness consciousness, because even he flits in and out of mind like all other thoughts and feelings. So I've come to really value this idea of the bare attention, because it is really just intention in practice.
I'm interested in your description of the lightly feathered broom cleaning out thought-products. I've not experienced that, I'm still trying to develop my ability to direct attention without judgment. Trying to actively clear thoughts out would for me, at this point in my process, be difficult to distinguish from getting involved with and perpetuating thinking. But I've found that just working at holding the attention on the breath clears away a lot of chatter quite naturally, and the thoughts that do arise dissipate quickly if I let them go.
I have ideas of reaching some goal or level of ability, sure, but I've no idea what that would really mean or why that would matter--its just an ego fantasy. Even though viewing meditation as an ego project is completely antithetical to its aim, I think you still need something, at least in the beginning, to get you to sit on the cushion before you've had the insight to see through your own ambition. I mean, if you don't eventually say "I'm just going to suck it up and start sitting every day even though its uncomfortable," then you'll never do it. At least that's how it's been for me. Part of my intention now is just learning to be where I am doing what I'm doing, just that. That's an undoing of the ego motivation, and a long process as well.
Also, I've never really considered unconscious conflict-laden impulses / desires as thoughts, per se, and I wonder at what point we can call a mental product a thought. For example, would you say that he who unconsciously wants to kill his father and wed his mother, and is emotionally and psychically tormented by these impulses, which he cannot identify, is having a thought in unconscious? He may have thoughts regarding his feelings but not the thought that his feelings conceal... So does the conflict represented in unconscious or dream-thought already carry the symbolic meaning we would ascribe it in ordinary, conscious thought? Are all mind contents always and already represented as thoughts, of which we are either aware or unaware. Or is it that in bringing some conflict into awareness we create for it the symbolic / linguistic representation that becomes a thought? I've always sort of felt that the "thought" is an articulation of something that is perceived or felt as it comes into awareness, but in reading your post it occurs to me that I'm not really sure what thoughts actually are, or how best to define them.
also
the moment I notice I've been distracted is the most profound part of the whole thing, like waking up from a dream.
waking up
Noah, I love this view! You turn the table on what can so often be a source of self-judgment.
ASHER ON NOAH
Thanks for pointing out that Noah's use of distraction as a portal for deeper understanding is the antidote for self-judgment. Self-judgment completely aborts the entire process of self-awareness because it strengthens one's attachment to the very negative self images that refuse to allow us to grow and attain happiness. Happiness means autonomy and freedom. Self-judgment means dependency and loss of freedom.
THE BASICS: WHAT REALLY IS MEDITATION?
Meditation, like any concept, has multiple meanings. For me, however, meditation is a complex systematic practice and process that is, not merely sitting, but rather deconstructing or dismantling conventional reality as it arises in mind moment to moment. And I bring this system onto the cushion every time I sit. Otherwise I am not meditating. The sitting aspect of meditation is the embodied vehicle for strengthening the attention and concentration required to achieve meditation’s aim: to realize and understand the deluded mind in order to realize and understand ultimate reality, which is empty of independent, permanent existence. It is that simple and that complex.
Meditation is the very cornerstone of Buddhism because it represents the methodology for understanding the entire teachings of tenets and principles that define Buddhism. This is why meditation means, “to make familiar.” We may describe meditation as the process and practice of experiencing what we actually, truly live in its purest (barest) form.
Since the philosophical (nature of reality/mind) and psychological (nature of mind/reality) aspects of consciousness are fundamental to my understanding of and approach to meditation practice, I am excited that we are engaging in a more in depth dialogue on meditation. Unpacking what exactly is philosophically and psychologically involved in meditation is a daunting and complex task but one I believe worth at least partially attempting.
To this end, I would like to share some of my thoughts that are primarily influenced by the Buddhist scholar, David Ross Komito’s `Nagarjuna’s 70 Stanzas: A Buddhist Psychology of Emptiness.’ Komito’s sections on cognition, particularly, perception and conception, are superb and accessible.
It would be correct to say that the aim of meditation is to reveal “the fundamental distortion in the cognitive process…. This fundamantal distortion is the tendency to take an extreme view toward phenomena, that is, to overestimate their natures. This overestimation is that phenomena are independent , self-sufficient entities which bear their own characteristics independently of the perceiving subject.” Phenomena represent everything existing in the world and can be designated as either external and internal. Indeed, it is the grasping after internal phenomena (eg, our thoughts, memories, emotions) based on overestimated perceptions, conceptions and thus understanding of the so-called “person” that causes the most suffering. This is because external phenomena only have value in relation to the `I’ that values. The objective of meditation is thus to dismantle those extreme views of the nature of internal and external phenomena.
We begin with consciousness, defined as, “an awareness which is clear and knowing.” However, though we can contemplate on and realize pure awareness or what is called “primary consciousness,” we must understand that we are never merely conscious; we are always conscious of something. And it is this something that speaks to the motion, the process of life and living experience across time. To be conscious of something means to cognize, to have cognition. Cognition is a mental process “which selects specific aspects out of an overall perceptual field.”
Cognition involves the working together of the 5 material sense perceptions and mental perception (the sixth sense), as they arise, abide, and cease, moment to moment, and so create an mage of the world. Cognition is the functional relationship between the subject and object of consciousness. The objects of sensory perception are external—rocks, bodies, the sky. The objects of mental consciousness include concepts, memories, emotions, perceptions. Meditation is understanding this process. Meditation is understanding that we tend NOT to be aware of the “raw” perceptual and conceptual images of consciousness. This is because the initial perceptual consciousness (what we perceive through our 5-sensory system) is quickly mixed with mental consciousness, which registers concepts, memories, and emotions. This MIX then REPRESENTS the total perceptual field which constitutes our cognitions. Again, cognition is a mental process “which selects specific aspects out of the overall perceptual field.”
Bare cognitions are the aim of analytic or insight meditation. A bare perceptual cognition is at the moment of contact between an object, an organ (eg, an eye), and perceptual (eg, visual) consciousness. The fresh moment of bare visual consciousness would be a cognition of a mere form of a certain color. Now, this first moment then becomes the condition for the arising of a moment of mental consciousness (thought/thinking) the mixing of mental images, memories, and emotions of which, together with bare perception, creates a concept. Most importantly, the mixing of bare perceptions and mental images (thought) ALWAYS distorts perceptual consciousness in that it confuses the thought products (mental images, memories, emotions) for the object it perceives. This is what is meant by understanding the nature of phenomena: what it is without erroneous or distorted views, that is, prior to ignorant grasping of invalid cognitions. What we believe to be real and true, moment to moment, is most certainly erroneous. Meditation corrects this view and so frees one from the bounds of suffering.
And so, we begin with primary consciousness prior to individual consciousness. Individual consciousness brings with it the karmic formations or mental factors that mold it. Karmic formations are “traces of previous actions, emotions, etc.,” the dispositions of an individual that control cognition and so “how cognition selects aspects out of the overall perceptual field.” Mental factors merely describe how individual consciousness functions. These describe states or activities of mind and thus how consciousness is observed. For example, feeling, intelligence, contact, attention, concentration, sleep, etc. are all mental factors across a range of experience that describe how consciousness is functioning. Intention (often known as karma itself!) is a mental factor which is “the orienting of consciousness to the general field of perception [that] describes the tendency of consciousness to become involved with and apprehend objects.”
When Noah speaks of “bare attention” in relation to meditation, he is referring to a mental factor the functioning of which focuses consciousness “on a specific aspect of the general field of perception.” Discernment, another mental factor, identifies and discriminates specific aspects of the general field of perception. Discernment at the highest levels of cognition discriminates and thus identifies ultimate reality. Meditation hones mental factors for the purpose of understanding the ultimate nature of reality.
a view on views is still a view, i know
To summarize where I think we are, we are taking meditation to be a process of deconstructing extreme views of reality by developing cognitive abilities of concentration and discernment, by which we are able to identify those views which perpetuate suffering and, in eradicating them, gain insight--a sort of direct form of cognition--into the ultimate nature of realty.
I find what's difficult about these discussions is that even an intellectual mastery of the vicissitudes of meditation and the nature of "ultimate reality" does not amount to true understanding, though we must start somewhere. I happen to be gifted at learning and adopting new forms of language: at manipulating, applying, and articulating new conceptual structures, both by extrapolating them from and imposing them onto my experience. It is quite problematic, however, to mistake that capacity for true understanding, indeed it is often an obstruction.
There is a difference between holding a view and directly knowing that our living already accords with "ultimate reality." My mind races to construct more subtle and integrated structures to contain my experience. This is of the utmost importance to me, but only in so far as it remains possible to dismantle and deconstruct those very structures I worked so hard to form.
I almost feel as if holding any view is an obstacle, because no matter how expansive that view, there is always the slight contraction of duality around possession. This is not to say that all views are equal in their content, for some clearly have greater merit than others. But when we speak about something like ultimate reality, it is important to me that we remind ourselves that it is not, ultimately, something about which we can hold views. I wonder if you agree with this general feeling, though I hope you'll challenge this view of mine. I see clearly how we identify wrong views, but how would you say, oh that, that is ultimate reality and my mind identifies it, whereas this, this is not? Absent views, what is not ultimate reality?
If we examine an erroneous view or conception from outside--as a pattern of thought, feeling, and action--without regard for the specifics of its content, would it not have the same manner of being as any other view?
We could say the view expresses wrong understanding, but what about the existence of the view itself? Can such a distinction be rightly made between view (as an interdependent entity) and its content? I've found, so far, that functionally I can make that distinction with respect to thoughts while meditating. What I mean is noticing the dynamics of a thought's presence in mind, without identifying with or following what the thought 'says.' This says to me that a thought is not the same as its content, because it can be considered without regard for its content. This is very surprising, because obviously a thought is not other than its content, for if it had no content there would be nothing to perceive. To me this seems to begin to reveal thoughts lack inherent existence, which I assume can be extended to views as well (and all other phenomena for that matter).
There is a certain sense of equality I experience in the deconstruction toward which meditation aims, again not in merit but of ontological nature. So when we say meditation corrects erroneous views, I sense (though I do not know) that it cannot simply be replacing a wrong view with a correct view, because although a view informs our recognition of the relation through which we live, and may map that relation more or less accurately, how can it be more or less "real" than anything else?
Becoming enlightened or realizing "ultimate reality" is usually described as awakening. I wonder if this means, not simply waking from wrong views into right ones, but awakening from views altogether. Or seeing through them. If this is the case, then anything we say will be fundamentally incomplete, or overly concrete. And yet the saying is, for me at least, still of the utmost importance because it constantly exposes and challenges deeper layers of assumption.
THE DECONSTRUCTION OF NOAH: THE RECONSTRUCTION OF PARADOX
Noah, as I read your post, what I thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated even more was witnessing the witness witnessing; the thinker thinking in an effort to see through thinking without quite knowing what is on the other side. I felt your anxiety as you kept hitting up against this conceptual wall that says: “My mind races to construct more subtle and integrated structures to contain my experience.” And then your response: “I almost feel as if holding any view is an obstacle, because no matter how expansive that view, there is always the slight contraction of duality around possession…. when we speak about… ultimate reality, it is important to me that we remind ourselves that it is not, ultimately, something about which we can hold views.” And the wall begins to crack. But, then the wall strengthens again: “So when we say meditation corrects erroneous views, I sense (though I do not know) that it cannot simply be replacing a wrong view with a correct view, because although a view informs our recognition of the relation through which we live, and may map that relation more or less accurately, how can it be more or less "real" than anything else?” And then you reach just beyond the anxiety to the greater grasp: “ And yet the saying is, for me at least, still of the utmost importance because it constantly exposes and challenges deeper layers of assumption.”
I think at times paradox eludes you; and yet that very (emotional) contraction you describe that occurs to bind your anxiety in the face of groundessness, will ultimately give way to the paradox. For example, the fact that ultimate reality reveals the illusion of all views, including correct ones, does not mean correct views do not exist nor are unnecessary for ultimate reality to be understood. What you are saying, in Buddhist terminology is that all views are empty of independent existence. This is the correct view. However, because it is empty, it still exists, and so, has a certain propositional value that, if logically applied to conventional reality, will lead us to the ultimate nondual formulation: if we can’t speak of existence, we cannot speak of non-existence either.
So, here’s the paradox: mind, not as an entity but as process, uses cognition to guide THE ENTITY mind, vis-à-vis language, toward its own dissolution in order for us to realize that it exists, but not independently. And this is true of all phenomena, especially the quintessential entity: self.
And another paradox: “There is a difference between holding a view and directly knowing that our living already accords with "ultimate reality."” The paradox of course is that the correct view is incorrect if not apprehended as direct experience, which is superordinate to intellectual comprehension. But, notice I said “superordinate” to underscore the necessity of cognition. Realization transcends but includes intellectual conceptualization. This is why realization is trans-personal and trans-rational. Imagine trying to enter into the deeper realms of nondual perspective without having adequate mental factors, such as, attention, concentration, discernment, intelligence, wisdom, etc.?
Noah, you say, “I see clearly how we identify wrong views, but how would you say, oh that, that is ultimate reality and my mind identifies it, whereas this, this is not? Absent views, what is not ultimate reality?” Again, another paradox, from the `Heart Sutra:’ form is emptiness, emptiness is form; form is nothing other than emptiness, emptiness is nothing other than form. Ultimate reality cannot exist without conventional reality because ultimate reality is nothing other than conventional reality. This is the insanely brilliant formulation of Nagarjuna: emptiness is empty too!!! More than brilliant, it is clever because it keeps us on our toes and does not allow us to get attached even to our own views, even to emptiness. Nonduality recognizes both the futility and necessity of language, for example and this is what prevents nihilism. The world is meaningless, which is true; and yet, the world is only meaningful. The view, any view, as you say, is absurd; and yet, views necessarily exist and, in fact, have propositional value. This means that some views are more useful than other views, better than other views, and more valid than other views. Of course, this is where it gets tricky.
If I missed something from your post, please let me know.
Focusing on the breath
There have been a few comments about focusing on the breath as a way to silence the mind. For a while, I focused on my breath, even counted breaths, but thoughts still predominated my experience.
I have tried a slightly different approach recently, largely as a result of the dialogue on this blog. When a thought arises, I acknowledge that it is probably an effect of a feeling, and I focus on what I am feeling. I identify my feelings. In that moment, a space opens up in which my breath becomes more accessible. My heartbeat and other involuntary sensations follow. I can sit in this space and focus on my breath. Thoughts arise, but they seem localized--they do not fill the space.
I do not think I am tricking myself into silence through this mind exercise. Rather, for me, I think I needed to understand and experience the relationship between thoughts and feelings in order to put thoughts in perspective.
I have done a lot of reading about meditation over the past year. I know, intellectually, that thoughts lack inherent existence. I know, intellectually, that I am not my thoughts. But until I recognized the thought-feeling relationship, thoughts reigned supreme.
ASHER ON ASHER
Asher, another important observation. I would like to hear Emily and Noah's thoughts on your post regarding breathing. Emotions/feelings have a direct impact on meditation in how they either facilitate or prevent the dissolution of thoughts. Breathing is key to meditation because it communicates to the brain whether or not we are prepared to dismantle thought products.
Asher, I also experience a
Asher, I also experience a direct relationship between thoughts and feelings and I too find that addressing feelings is probably the best way to get beneath thoughts, especially if thoughts are obscuring feelings, as they so often do. I also think that negative patterns of thinking perpetuate afflicted feelings. It seems to me that thoughts make sense of feeling, and it's often said that if you can change the way you think, you can change the way you feel. I find this to be largely true as well. Understanding, as a making sense of and contextualizing feelings, leads to compassion, which often begins to dissolve negative thoughts and feelings.
I tend to think and feel very negatively about myself, failing to see my own positive attributes or worth. I see that a deep feeling of insecurity and weakness / failure gives rise to negative thoughts, which strengthen and perpetuate those feelings. The feedback loop is so powerful and has been going on so long that its very hard to break it down. I think maybe, as you suggest, even though the thoughts perpetuate the feelings, they are still sort of an obstacle to allowing and dissolving the self-hatred because they make sense of the feelings and bind them to some sort of understandable structure (even if it is negative), which in turn emerges from the desire to feel grounded.
So I agree that examining the relationship--I'd even say reciprocity--between thoughts and feelings is really helpful in recognizing in a more immediate way the non-inherent existence of thoughts. And attending to the breath seems to be a way beyond all the feedback.
ON THE FEEDBACK LOOP: RESPONSE TO NOAH
She said, Beyond that we have nothing to talk
about. I see
myself as a diver on a cliff, arms outspread
holding the sky,
my hands the sunlight. I push outward from
knees bent, my body
flung into the air in an arc of nothingness. I am
beyond what I
was and will be, suspended. There is the nothing
of words but what
is beyond fear the lifting off of a body in the space
of a world that neither
exists beyond the staked claim of its existence nor
in the outspread
arms opening to a love that has claims to stake
beyond its reach
beyond the words that seek to reach it. Balance
and strength waver
in the opening. Love suspends but for a moment
what fear has clung
to, thoughts that narrow space as they fall away.
Beyond that
we have nothing to talk about.
Power Sitting
For me, sitting has become my own private refuge. The primary place where thoughts and self-evaluation are allowed to dissolve and ultimate truth drifts in - if just for a moment. Where peace and an overwhelming sense of tranquility muffle voices from the past. I wrestle with evaluating what arises first - thoughts or emotions, but in the end question whether it matters for they are intertwined with each other, as are memories from my childhood. When I sometimes go behind the thoughts to examine what I am feeling, I sometimes find myself achieving the opposite of my goal. Instead of analyzing the feelings I have strengthened the thought threads which hold the emotions in place creating a delusional sense of their reality. I have also come to realize that when afflictive emotions do arise, I crave my special sitting spot, where by sitting through the darkness of the moment, faith carries me into the light of understanding.
The words of Tenzin Priyadarshi ring true for me:
If there is no stillness,
there is no silence.
If there is no silence,
there is no insight.
If there is no insight,
there is no clarity.
For me remembering this leads to a reduction in the desire to contextualize what I am feeling or give my thoughts specific form, but rather allow myself to freely drift into an expansive space of emptiness which seems to fill my mind/body with a new found sense of freedom - which only seems to grow as time passes.
POWERLESS POWER SITTING
Bodhi, thank you for this most delicious quote:
If there is no stillness,
there is no silence.
If there is no silence,
there is no insight.
If there is no insight,
there is no clarity.
What I have noticed from the posters on this blog is that this word "insight" has a very specific and comprehensive understanding, which I believe is critical for cultivating a robust meditation practice and healthy life experience. Insight is in-sighting one's interiority on two levels: the level of observing one's immediate thought process with the objective of quieting mind; and, related, understanding the higher ontological necessity of one's historicty, that is, how our thought products grew into persistent deluded states and beliefs. Attempting to dissolve thought products and come to an intellectual comprehension of, let's say, "emptiness" or "interconnectedness" is not enough for a quicker transformation. Literally changing one's mind by understanding one's psychology (eg, developmentally, relationally, intrapsychically) trans-forms one's sense of self: from self-hating, fearful, insecure, conflicted and confused, depressed, anxious, angry, judgmental, arrogant, etc. to self-accepting, self-loving, self-forgiving, grateful, and self-directed. Suffering doesn't immediately disappear but rather is in a constant process of trans-forming. Most importantly, motivation becomes ignited towards self-care.
What role do you think
What role do you think caring for others has in cultivating self-care? Obviously in considering self vs. other care, we are speaking about two sides of one coin, so I mean this question primarily on a psychological level.
A great question - Noah
Noah, I know of no one better than Om to address your question from a psychological lens. However, since you ask what I have been asking myself for a long time and incorrectly thought I 'knew' the answer, I thought I would offer a different metaphor for self vs. other care. I would even suggest that caring for others can sometimes become a means for avoiding oneself and therefore reducing one's full potential ability to care for others.
If a fig seedling is planted in sandy earth, it will grow not realizing that it is struggling just to exist. It will spread its meager branches casting a thin shadow on the ground for those passing by to rest under for a moment protected from the afternoon sun. It will also help Mother Earth nourish the insects, moss, and other living organisms which call the tree home. Eventually the tree will bear figs, but the harvest will be small and the fruit will spoil quickly. While the fig tree completes its life cycle, it never fully actualizes its potential. As the fig tree ages, its roots become fragile, more vulnerable to the elements, collapsing under the strong winds of a normal spring 'Humseen' (sand storm).
On the other hand, the seedling which is planted in nutrient rich soil and is nurtured as its roots grow, establishing itself firmly in its space, will develop into a much different tree. As it continues to take what it needs from the earth, able to nurture itself as it grows, it will surpass its struggling cousin planted in the shifting sands. It will grow taller and stronger, able to cast a broader shadow for all to find respite under, and of course its fruit will be more abundant and last much longer for more to enjoy. When the challenging 'Humseen' winds roar in, it will not be destroyed, rather it will stand strong, able to resist the next storm and continue its life cycle for another season.
I am slowly coming to realize that caring for others without first focusing on self-care is like the fig tree planted in the sand and when others become one's primary focus, eventually one looses oneself, forgetting it is a fig tree like the others and its roots deserve tending too.
While caring for others is important especially when we consider our interconnectedness with each other, however, if we don't take care of our own roots, I don't believe we can honestly do our best at caring for others. I am slowly beginning to see how intertwined the two are, which is something I never expected to see. I guess my lens on life is shifting its focus.
Now I look forward to hearing what Om has to say.
I NOAH CARNG SELF CARING
Selfless Acts of Self
I'm walking down Park Avenue. I'm carrying the bag of food I just bought for breakfast to fill the hunger my belly crows to. A stark hunger the kind simple and direct from a brain issuing some atonal notes along a chord of plosive stops and fricatives--hunger, food, feed me. So what to eat? The need gets more complicated the path less reticent. In an idiom of Zen a sibilance of phrase I order 2 eggs scrambled soft on a buttered roll. I will soothe into silence my taste. I go to the refrigerated section to buy orange juice and notice that there are some Tropicana. I recall when there was only one choice; now there are five--pulp or none mango pineapple-orange strawberry-banana. So many choices. Perhaps I should stay with water. Now my bag is full. I leave. The morning sun spills warmth yet the air feels cool a nice mix of ingredients. I take my egg sandwich out of the bag. I head back towards my office down Park Avenue. I stop at the light. The sandwich is delicious like a poem reciting me. I recall the image now of God unzipping my body and letting me out like Frost's boy climbing to heaven on his father's birch; but there is no birch here no heaven no God only openness gratitude joy; I cross the street and glance down the block from the corner where I am now standing; I didn't notice before there is a young man in front of my building sitting like a Buddhist altar his hands holding his head his hair dirty and mussed his clothes ripped and disheveled his face scruffy tired and worn like shoes; there is something about the way he holds his head in his hands heavy and in need of rest like Rilke's beggar that tells me he is not invisible nor scamming for money; I walk by him look down at his sign I am homeless and hand him half my sandwich; he lifts his head almost motionless; he is a still life a handful of figs a tire lying on the side of a road; he motions up his hand and with a tenderness usually saved for a lover or child as she wakes from a bad dream takes the sandwich; he says thank you and I turn around and enter my building shimmy into the crowded elevator push the button to the sixth floor watch the door open walk down to the corridor to my office open the door walk to my chair sit down and write a poem.
THE ROLE OF CARING FOR OTHERS AS CARING FOR SELF
The idea of "karmic merit" notwithstanding, and Bodhi's point regarding what I would call pathological accommodation (which I have spoken about at length on the blog), caring for others IS self-care. On every ontological level, physiology, mental functioning, psychological well-being, all areas of human functioning are potentially benefitted by caring for others. But, I want to stress that two factors-- self-awareness and self-love-- are critical for both self and other basically because true compassion depends upon discernment, intelligence, and wisdom. Without wisdom, for example, caring for others may result in not helping others help themselves and thus teaching them to take rather than give. A simple example are the beggars on the street who may be using your money to get drugs or alcohol. Is giving them money then compassionate? Tough question and that's a simple example. On a social level, some claim that public assistance could become abusive and infantalize rather than truly help people in need. Back to the individual, how do we discern, for example, whether we're caring for or colluding with our partners, parents, children, extended family in certain situations? Tough questions some of us are faced with everyday.
To Om: The second level of interiority
It seems that an upshot of understanding the second level of interiority is to correct false views derived from one's development. How would you describe the relationship between the mind state post-understanding and the earlier mind state, before the false views attached?
WHAT IS MIND BEFORE FALSE VIEWS FORM?
Asher, if I understand your question, you are inquiring about individual consciousness within one lifetime. According to David Ross Komito, "for the ordinary person consciousness is never experienced devoid of previous experience. These previous experiences leave traces in memory which mold consciousness. Thus, consciousness depends on...karmic formations.... [i]t is never "raw consciousness" uninfluenced by past actions." Now, what is most interesting is how the Buddhist philosopher, Nagarjuna, explains karmic formation in terms of past lives. Karmic formations are the consequence of ignorance. The ignorance that is typical of ordinary people (ignorance being "the unknowing of the real nature" of reality) is so deep "that it could not depend on the experiences of a single life but rather depends on the experiences (pleasures and sufferings) of a multiplicity of lives. Thus, this ignorance depends on birth and death.
QUICK QUOTE
I needed something to wash down my post, so I picked up `Nagarjuna's `Mūlamadhyamakakārikā (`The Fundamental Wisdom of the Middle Way'), translated by Jay Garfield. I opened to this stanza: "If there is no existent thing,/ Of what will there be nonexistence?/ Apart from existent and nonexistent things/ Who knows existence and nonexistence?"
This reminds me of Noah's question regarding "correct/incorrect" views. As Nagarjuna points out in this stanza that existence and nonexistence are characteristics, linguistic signifiers, so too are views. Views, like existence and nonexistence, are dependent, relative characteristics. Emptiness is empty, too.
Thoughts From a Man Who Needs to Meditate
One....two....three....four....four....four....shit.
This is what happens when I try meditation. I understand there is "no wrong way to meditate" but I'm not sure I agree. All my life I've been distracted. Rather than sitting down and just doing a task, the world around me becomes louder, amplified. Each creak, every bird, any sound registers and is processed. Thoughts whip through my head with the speed and intensity of a hurricane. I can't seem to hold a thought for more than a moment as a very primal instinct takes over and I go back to monitoring the world around me.
One...two...three...four...need to remember to deposit that check.
What is nice about ADD is that when I do get an interest, I become hyper-focused, deeply immersing myself in that which has caught my eye. The problem is: this focus doesn't last. I have an office full of unfinished projects. At the time, I see each one of these ideas or tasks as my new calling. My reason-for-being. My Purpose. I dive head first into my new goal with force and intensity. I think, yes! This is it! I consume information. I spend hours on line learning and researching. I talk to people about it and the excitement builds. Then, after a few weeks, it fades. I get angry and depressed. I ruminate about how silly I was to think that my purpose in life was to be a baker, a wedding photographer, an entrepreneur, or a stand-up comedian.
One....two...dammit.
Folks tell me I need to meditate. Calm my active mind (at least for a little while). I get it. I see the value of it but my question is: Is meditation just another scheme? My fear is that I will start it, get hooked but then let it fade as all the other hobbies/passions have.
Any thoughts anyone may have would be helpful.
Namaste,
D
THE MINDFUL DRIVESHAFT
My first thought in response to your post is actually a book recommendation: `The Mindful brain’ by Daniel Siegel (who also wrote the brilliant `The Developing Mind’). Siegel’s main interest is in developing an integrated state of brain function, another way of saying well-being. Because the brain is as much a process as a structure, its correlative mind has the capacity to cultivate literal transformative changes in neuropathways (“resonance circuits”). Meditation is one process for galvanizing these changes. Because you experience what you describe as ADD (Attention Deficit), I would most definitely come to a more intimate understanding of what the “mindful” brain would look like and how you might achieve it. And so, the benefit would be attacking your meditation challenges from two sides of the same consciousness (mind/brain). I would love for you to come back for a further discussion after you read the book. Thank me later :)
a few thoughts for driveshaft
I think there is a sort of paradoxical element to meditation in that one does it ostensibly to cultivate certain states of more awakened mind, and perhaps reap positive changes in life as a result: increased mindfulness, empathy, less stress, more insight.
But I've found that in a practical sense, when I actually do it I have to try and put any notions of achievement or desired state of mind aside and just show up, work at being present. The more my mind races or chases stimulus around, the more opportunity there is to notice that about it and redirect attention to the breath. There isn't really a good or a bad, there is just becoming more aware of whatever is happening in mind by creating an intention to hold it to one place. If the mind is distracted and this causes frustration or fear or whatever, well all that can become an object of awareness.
I'm not saying its easy or simple to show up for that, but I really think that's what it comes down. I find it counterproductive to relate to meditation itself as a calling, reason for being, Purpose, or hobby, or really anything worth investing ego in. Obviously we have to continue to learn and embody this over a long time.
But what if you thought of it not as an achievement oriented practice to calm your active mind (though that is a probable long term result and may unfold naturally), but instead a way to develop clearer vision and more perspective on whatever it is that you call your mind. More than any other factor, it is simple curiosity that got me to finally start. Whether my mind is 1000MPH and anxious or quiet and alert I still have this basic desire to know what it is...
I've noticed all sort of interesting things about mind already in taking that curiosity and investigating it by meditating. For example, so many things I used to consider solid or continuous parts of me (identity, personality, self) I'm starting to see as scattered states of awareness that are quite discontinuous. But maybe that's another post.
I am attached
I am attached and I can't seem to shake it. I know that attachment gives rise to suffering. I am crying. I am breathing. I am still attached. I know the moment is gone and yet I can't seem to let it go. I know that nothing is certain, and yet I crave certainty. I know fear arises from my desire to cling to the past--to reify it instead of noticing it and letting it go. And yet here I am reifying with the best of them, attached beyond my own belief to something that intellectually I don't even know if I want. I am breathing again in between bouts of hysterical sobbing. What if I never have that experience again? I will never have that experience again. And I know my attachment to those fleeting moments prevents me from being present. And still I am attatched. And so I suffer. I am attached to my suffering because joy has always been quickly followed by sorrow. I have been duped, and so I cling to memories, and fantasies, and illusions. I am duping myself. Breathe in. Breathe out. In perpetuating this attachment, I abandon myself. I see myself doing it, and yet I can't stop. How do I let go and trust?
SASHA AND THE ILLUSION OF KNOWING AND ATTACHMENT
Hi Sasha, I was sitting with your post and kept getting stuck on two words: "attachment" and "know." I think as readers we tend to take for granted that what the person says, the person means and, as a result, we never really know what the person means. Words are not only golden bridges of meaning, they are often golden paths of misunderstanding. You say "know" around 6 times in your post and "attachment" around 8 times. I'm curious, what does "know" mean? And, how do you know you know? Also, what is "attachment?" And why does it cause suffering for you? Some of my most profound and joyful moments involved attachment.
May you find peace in your seeking!
Om mani padme hum
knowing attachment
Om, thank you for your comments. For me knowing means aprehending something cognitively, intuitively, viscerally, experientially, and I suppose spiritually while accepting that meaning is subjective and perhaps non existent. As it relates to my post, I was writing from a place isomewhere between cognitive understanding, the intuitive recognition of a body sensation associated with past experience, and what was real for me in that moment.
What I continue to struggle with are the painful human emotions that I am experiencing as a result of my inability to let go of certain ideas, relationships, and even entire belief systems for more than a few seconds at a time. I feel caught up in wave that keeps pulling me back under just as I'm breaking free of its grip. For me attachment is the inability to be objective, to notice and appreciate without clinging or reifying, particularly as it relates to certain memories, beliefs, and experiences.
I understand, from studying and past positive experience, that the more I am able to be present to what's unfolding in my life moment to moment without any expectation of where it's going, or any guarantee of permanence, the more joy I experience. Yet as everything swirls around me, and I feel my innate safety threatened, and my identity so tenuous, it is very difficult to stay present and so I flee mentally to memories of moments that were joyful and secure which simply gives rise to pain because I do not have the same feeling now.
Sure it's all an illusion. (I tell myself) But in this beautiful illusion my human eyes still tear up and my heart pounds in my chest with fear and grief about living alone and not really living at all. It's a hamster wheel and I want to get off.
DESPERATELY SEEKING SASHA
“I am a seeker seeking myself.” – Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
Hi Sasha, thank you for continuing what for me is exactly that which will ultimately help you (and all of us) “let go and trust.” And that is the very relational mirroring which, at first in small ways, allows us to (re)turn the very mental process given us terrible gas pains. After reading your second post I found our meanings aligned and so I was better able to feel what you might be experiencing. You say, “knowing means apprehending something cognitively, intuitively, viscerally, experientially...somewhere between cognitive understanding, the intuitive recognition of a body sensation associated with past experience, and what was real for me in that moment.” This is what is meant as direct experience and it is the “apprehending” (as opposed to comprehending) that informs the knowing’s integration of all mental factors. But, as Buddha, for example, would tell us, true knowing is a knowing free from all negative afflictive emotions, as well as the attachment and identifications that cause the negative afflictive emotions. You describe attachment as “the inability to be objective, to notice and appreciate without clinging or reifying, particularly as it relates to certain memories, beliefs, and experiences.” This is also how I understand attachment. And so, as you say, you understand that it is the attachment that obviates a true knowing. And so, you suffer.
More specifically, you “continue to struggle with…the painful human emotions that I am experiencing as a result of my inability to let go of certain ideas, relationships, and even entire belief systems for more than a few seconds at a time.” The key here, once again, is “emotions,” what we have been discussing over the past few weeks (e.g., http://noahck.com/blog/2009-12-08/128#comment-5482 and http://noahck.com/blog/2009-12-08/128#comment-5468 and especially http://noahck.com/blog/2009-12-08/128#comment-5449 ), particularly, as Sasha points out, the “painful human emotions” that keep us glued to delusive thinking. I said in a previous post, “the first step is to understand the centrality of emotions in every aspect of evolution, including one’s personal evolution; it means, understanding how emotions reach into all levels of being, including our physical, mental, and spiritual development. It means understanding that one’s “state of mind” is one’s state of reality. It means approaching one’s emotional life through one’s body, mind, and spirit and approaching one’s body, mind, and spirit through the wisdom of emotions. It means slowly, simply, and mindfully taking one step at a time: to learn how to regulate emotions; to learn how to listen to emotions; to learn how to understand emotions; to learn how to act in accordance with the direction of our emotions, which is our needs. If one has clarity about his needs (not wants), he will create happiness necessarily because he will integrate the aspects of his consciousness (body, mind, spirit), in such a way, as to (trans)form his emotional life into a good, well-lived life.”
All well and good, and Sasha could clearly read and perhaps even agree with this statement. But, she is still suffering, even with all she “knows.” And so, I go back again to the relational aspect of consciousness, that process of self opening to other in ways that promote increased understanding of self-in-world, and, ultimately, no-self in world. Sasha’s penultimate paragraph makes this clear. She says, “I understand… [y]et as everything swirls around me, and I feel my innate safety threatened, and my identity so tenuous, it is very difficult to stay present and so I flee mentally to memories of moments that were joyful and secure which simply gives rise to pain because I do not have the same feeling now.” We know that “understanding” is the remedy of all affliction, so what’s missing? What I think is missing is the relational aspect of Sasha’s seeking, its very function of which contains the swirling, attenuates the threatened safety, shores up the tenuous identity, and ensures that she doesn’t flee outside this very moment and presence of now. Yes, this is the therapeutic function of relationship and it is called intimacy. I see intimacy and the therapeutic as synonymous necessarily because it is only through intimacy that transformation occurs. And in this case, according to Sasha, it is a transformation tantamount to a paradigmatic shift in consciousness from dual to nondual, from suffering to freedom from suffering.
As I read Sasha’s beautifully honest posts I felt something missing. It felt as if she were attempting to “understand” by herself, on her own. And clearly great effort and earnestness has led to tremendous in-sight. But, the suffering has persevered. She keeps hitting up against a wall. What is that wall? What is that missing piece that will help her look into her own eyes or, as James once said, look inside her looking? And what I felt was the very essence of ultimate reality itself, the very interconnectedness of all phenomena recapitulated in this ontological layer called the psychological. For it is at this level that suffering actually occurs, for all of us. The psychological is the I’s relationship with self-in-world as world (or other)-in-self. We are not independent, isolated entities; we are processes of consciousnesses (e)motioning toward the light of understanding and it is only in and through relationship that that light will never cease to flicker out.
Finding the courage to allow
Finding the courage to allow yourself to feel pain you don’t yet understand: that’s what it seems to come down to for me. If I’m feeling disconnected or foggy it is always in avoidance. The hardest pain to allow is the pain that is not understood. It feels intransigent because I obscure it, difficult to penetrate because it lacks language, and in simply allowing it as a feeling I feel alone. Because its dependent existence is not fully recognized, because it has not yet been deconstructed by relationship.
In a sense I feel that we are all alone with the darkness around us, what we have yet to embrace in knowing. But in facing that aloneness, in sitting with it, in letting our language and our presence form around it with care, in allowing it to be felt through ourselves and our relationships, we somehow become intimate.
I feel this reading Sasha's post, and with regard to my own meditation and relationships. Personally, I am tired of struggle. And what Sasha describes as her frustration with not being able to let go (which I certainly share), I have come to also regard as not wanting to allow. To allow myself to feel pain I don't understand; to allow myself to be completely uncertain, to allow myself to not know but still live, to allow myself to feel shame and still arrive here.
It's always arriving isn't it? Every moment you have to arrive again.
And when I say allow I don't mean passivity; no I want to investigate and deconstruct every afflicted feeling until it dissolves into understanding. But how will we ever be intimate enough to do that if we can't stop fighting our pain?
FROM DESPERATELY SEEKING TO ALLOWING: RESPONSE TO NOAH
"Finding the courage to allow yourself to feel pain you don’t yet understand: that’s what it seems to come down to for me."
Noah and Sasha, I really appreciate your openness, which is “allowing” yourself to feel pain, yet within a (albeit, limited) relational context. The tendency to “avoid,” as Noah says, in a kind of dissociative splitting between experience and feeling, is, not so much being alone, but being isolated. “In a sense I feel that we are all alone with the darkness around us, what we have yet to embrace in knowing.” This sounds like isolation, not aloneness, to me. Aloneness is never dark; it is the space of expansion, exploration. What we have developmentally internalized through relationship is the very security, trust, and confidence that prevent aloneness from conflating with the sense of isolation. I was isolated all of my childhood and most of my early adulthood because my early parental attachments were terribly insecure. Not until I internalized the new corrective therapeutic and, by extension, healthy personal relationships (including with myself!) was I able to discern between aloneness and isolation.
What Noah makes clear in his experience is that the emotional pain not yet understood, without language, is pain predicated by a lack of relationship: “it has not yet been deconstructed by relationship.” For it is ONLY through relationship that “language and our presence form around [isolation] with care…we somehow become intimate.” And so, I ask both Noah and Sasha if it is possible that the very struggle with emotional suffering you describe is in fact not allowing relationship to penetrate the layers of self that won’t allow or let go?
“But how will we ever be intimate enough to do that if we can't stop fighting our pain?” My response would be that we don’t stop fighting the pain, we merely fight the pain together.
I think that "fighting pain"
I think that "fighting pain" is suffering. Maybe we stop fighting pain in isolation, and instead, meet pain together with awareness. That works for me, but saying we merely fight the pain together doesn't really connect to my experience because fighting against seems inherently isolating to me. Resistance closes down the possibility of relating. Although I suppose it is much better to turn toward and fight than to avoid.
I appreciate the crucial distinction you are drawing between isolation and aloneness. Indeed, though isolation is negative and afflicted, aloneness does feel to me to be expansive and open, ever present at the boundaries of personal growth and intimacy.
Perhaps in learning to discern the difference between the two, we are able to resolve (and dissolve) the sense of isolation while opening into the space of being alone. I think that aloneness is completely relational.
I have the sensation of aloneness every night as I fall asleep and every morning as the waking world first appears to me. Alone, I move into and out of darkness. You could also say into and out of light, it is the same. And I suspect this sensation must be true in dying as well. Precisely because all the world appears and disappears within my sense of awareness, and I know of no other who shares the experience of (or attachment to) my mind. Nor can I directly know yours.
To me that is aloneness, but it is not isolating when it is met with love. Because when our language and our presence form around it with care we become intimate. I stick to that statement--to be nakedly alone and love is for me the truest intimacy, because in opening into that aloneness I can actually see the other person. When I wake up in the middle of the night, before thoughts appear to me, I feel alone and I love. It is such an honest place from which to meet relationship: alone, but not alone at all; neither alone nor not alone. All that falls away in the intimacy of being.
Which reminds me ;)
NOT IDEAS ABOUT THE THING BUT THE THING ITSELF
At the earliest ending of winter,
In March, a scrawny cry from outside
Seemed like a sound in his mind.
He knew that he heard it,
A bird's cry, at daylight or before,
In the early March wind.
The sun was rising at six,
No longer a battered panache above snow...
It would have been outside.
It was not from the vast ventriloquism
Of sleep's faded papier-mache...
The sun was coming from the outside.
That scrawny cry--It was
A chorister whose c preceded the choir.
It was part of the colossal sun,
Surrounded by its choral rings,
Still far away. It was like
A new knowledge of reality.
FIGHTING IS PAIN: RESPONSE TO NOAH
I think that "fighting pain" is suffering. Maybe we stop fighting pain in isolation, and instead, meet pain together with awareness. That works for me, but saying we merely fight the pain together doesn't really connect to my experience because fighting against seems inherently isolating to me. Resistance closes down the possibility of relating. Although I suppose it is much better to turn toward and fight than to avoid.
I agree that “fighting pain” is suffering. In fact, it is tautological. That word “merely” feels important to me and seems to subtly undermine my point, which is the facilitating function of relationship. I’m not sure what you mean by “fighting against,” so I can’t comment on it yet. I agree that fighting against is inherently isolating. Though I will say pushing up against is not “fighting against” because, as you say, it is “better to turn towards and fight than avoid.”
This next statement you make is most interesting to me: “Precisely because all the world appears and disappears within my sense of awareness, and I know of no other who shares the experience of (or attachment to) my mind. Nor can I directly know yours.” This is the very interface of self and other. This is the paradox of separate minds. Though we cannot “directly” know each other’s mind, we can learn to read each other’s meanings. And it is the increasing openness and earnest intention to touch (intimacy) and be known (love) that we can directly know each other. This is particularly true through the realization of emptiness. The “experience” of emptiness is so complete and penetrating that the details of our separateness fundamentally diminish, and so the experience of separateness becomes emotionally irrelevant. It is the moment when we are neither alone nor not alone.
still seeking...
Noah and Om, you raise so many interesting points. I've read both of your responses a couple of times now, and one question that keeps nagging at me is how to create intimacy that leads to transformation in a world that’s so unconscious and as a result so emotionally unsafe. Specifically, this blog explores intimacy at a level I’ve never seen replicated in day-to-day human interactions, perhaps in part because of the safety created by the general anonymity of the medium.
It seems to me that safety is a precondition for intimacy, and so to the extent one’s relationships aren’t emotionally safe--meaning I am derided or otherwise shamed for my feelings by my partner, or my boss, or my friend --how can relationship be an effective conduit for transformation? It would seem rather dangerous and even toxic in that case.
FDR’s famous quote about fear seems relevant here: “…the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.”
If the seeker allows the emotion, is authentic in his interpersonal relations with others, strives for intimacy, etc. and the relational partners can’t reciprocate, how does he make progress and not become so gun shy that paralyzing fear prevents future attempts at the suggested relational behaviors that lead to transformation?
I ask that question with the awareness that fear is paralyzing me right now. Friendships grow cold and after a few attempts to reheat them, I feel so dispirited I want to retreat myself. Relationships that seem to hold the promise of true partnership reveal themselves to be essentially hollow. Sadly, I must conclude that my own judgment/discernment about those relationships is the common denominator in their collective failure to grow beyond a certain point.
Om, you talk about having “internalized the new corrective therapeutic and, by extension, healthy personal relationships” that enabled you to discern between aloneness and isolation. What is the corrective therapeutic? How does one overcome the lack of security, trust, or confidence that emanates from an insecure parental attachment?
Please point the way, including to additional posts on this blog if you've explored this stuff before.
In gratitude,
S
STILL EARNESTLY SEEKING: RESPONSE TO SASHA
Sasha, thank you for this most important post. I'll respond more later but two things now struck me that I want to quickly discuss. You say, "It seems to me that safety is a precondition for intimacy, and so to the extent one’s relationships aren’t emotionally safe--meaning I am derided or otherwise shamed for my feelings by my partner, or my boss, or my friend --how can relationship be an effective conduit for transformation? It would seem rather dangerous and even toxic in that case."
And, "Specifically, this blog explores intimacy at a level I’ve never seen replicated in day-to-day human interactions, perhaps in part because of the safety created by the general anonymity of the medium."
These are great points. Let me address the second first, and then I would like to elaborate later. What this blog is creating through dialogue is not actually intimacy but a portal into intimacy, the beginning steps of creating a language of intimacy, a mental process oriented (intention) toward intimacy, a motivation (appreciation/aspiration) for intimacy, and, most important, a questioning of those many things that interfere with intimacy.
Regarding your first question, safety and security are indeed the primary needs of intimacy if the individuals in relationship are to heal and evolve. So that means two things. One, intimacy begins with the choices we make regarding who we are willing to have relationships with, and, two, the process towards more intimacy is a slow one. And the process is process itself, the opening to and communicating with skillful means. I think you haven't seen the type of intimacy described here in many relationships because few people are taught how to be intimate. Which leads to the most obviously solution regarding the therapeutic: therapy. I recommend a deep, dynamic, relationally-oriented therapy to people, one that emphasizes affectivity, or feelings as the prime mover of the therapeutic process. In addition to therapy, it is practice, day to day, moment to moment mindfulness approaches to our relationships. But, again, it is in the choosing. Is this person i am with committed, not so much to me, but to cultivating her own self-awareness. The commitment to me will be the by-product of that first commitment to self.
"...how to create intimacy
"...how to create intimacy that leads to transformation in a world that’s so unconscious and as a result so emotionally unsafe." Such a perplexing question on so many levels, but I love how your phrase it because the word transformation points to both 'self' and world. This is where, for me, some manner of spiritual orientation becomes really important. The understanding I am reaching for is that you are the world, and as we are able to create transformation internally, the world as we experience it will also begin to transform.
I know this is a rather cliche sentiment, but I think it's absolutely true in so far as our impressions that the world is isolating, emotionally unsafe, or frightening are qualities of imputation, which structure our perceptions in profound ways. And to the extent that we are able to identify, examine, and deconstruct the mechanisms by which we impute reality (including the self-object within us that we feel can be harmed), what once were barriers become bridges.
What that means to me, in a practical way, is that the existence of fear need not be in and of itself an obstacle to intimacy, if we turn toward it and allow it to become an object of inquiry that we seek to understand via relationship. There is nothing wrong with being afraid; I'm afraid nearly every day that I won't be understood or that I will fail to respond to my life, my relationships, and my potential to act in the world. It's retreating from fear that is problematic and actually blocks intimacy. So when you beautifully say "I ask that question with the awareness that fear is paralyzing me right now" I feel that you are actually creating a space around your fear in which we can meet look at what's between us.
True, it is hard as hell to find other people with whom we are able to have authentic intimacy and mutuality. And we need to be selective. But it is also true that by creating spaces of safety, compassion and recognition within ourselves, we will create those people (and they us). Just ask Om.
stillness at dusk
Noah, thank you. And Om, thank you too. I am going to sit with all of these ideas for a while and see where they lead me--internally and externally.
The blue grey sky outside my window is fading to black. The bare branches of the trees are silhouetted against the darkening horizon and the snow covered rooftops. I could hibernate indefinitely except for this voice inside screaming "WAKE UP!"
If my fear is a desert I must cross, it is also an oasis, or perhaps just a mirage. Perhaps it is all of those things? Yes, it is all of those things and none of those things if I understand (cognitively) some of the ideas on this blog.
It's black outside now, but inside there is a glimmer of light. I'm going to sit by it for just a little while longer. And then I'm going to venture out and let my eyes adjust and see what happens when I take one step straigtht into the fear.
More soon...
THE NONDUAL APPROACH TO SASHA
When we think about how we are to respond to the world, we no doubt mean how to respond to our basic insecurity in the world. This insecurity is based on a knowing, however conscious or unconscious, simple or complex, of our basic impermanence and groundlessness as individual “selves.” Yes, we will all at some point die. We will cease to exist. But, believe it or not, that is not the existential anxiety we suffer from most. Death is not at the heart of our suffering; but the awareness that the “self” we reside in, the self we, with all our mights, believe in and grasp onto, the self we think we are, is at the core of our pain.
As I read Sasha’s posts, I see all of us struggling with the slings and arrows of outrageous beliefs inculcated by ridiculous men striving for the impossible and unreasonable power of selfhood. At the heart of Sasha’s suffering are two things: again, the belief in a permanent, independent self; and a dualistic way of understanding that self and the world that mirrors it.
The dualistic mode of being tries to control the world; the nondual mode, that is, that mode that repudiates the ascribed independent, permanent self, opens to the world without care and thus with only care. It is according to which realization we live by that will determine how we experience suffering and whether we will be helpless to that suffering. Further, the intimacy we speak of here on the blog is also dependent upon which view we live.
Make it clear: dualism is based on fear; nonduality is based on love. So for Sasha and the rest of us, it is practice that will transform suffering into happiness because practice means engaging our whole beings in how we think about the way we think. And how we think involves how we think about our embodiment, our perceptions, our conceptualizations, our feelings, our actions. Not one of these aspects of consciousness is ever excluded from how we think and the beliefs formed out of that mode of thinking.
One concrete example of this is how we tend to moralize our behavior: we see ourselves as either good/bad, right/wrong, this way or that, etc. if, however, I experienced my relationships in terms of responsibility, that is, my ability to respond to the relationship, I will stay open to my need for responsiveness. You see, there is no self to be bad, good, right, or wrong. There is only a relational consciousness responding to the needs of the relationship, in such a way, as to seek relational balance. From this perspective, the self that we acknowledge exists, exists only to serve that higher relational balance. The paradox, of course, is that when the balance is met, the existent self feels happy.
FUNDAMENTALLY LIKE YOU AND OUT OF TIME
I am fascinated with time. Time rules me. Time is indifferent to me. Time destroys me. And yet, time isn’t even real. Time tells me that all phenomena, everything, is impermanent, and yet nothing is impermanent. Nor is anything, including time, permanent. There is only one thing trickier than time: language. Without language, there is no time. For example, as David Loy tells us, “Without nouns, there are no referents for verbs (past, present, and future tenses). When there are no things that have an existence in time, then it makes no sense to describe someone as being young or old.” What would it mean if you and I didn’t exist in time? For one thing, we would realize that phenomena, things, are time, fundamentally because they have no existence outside of time. The individual self, as a thing, is time, again, because it has no existence outside of time. And so, if the self is time, it means it is process, a flowing of consciousness, at times appearing as thinglike (particle) and, at other times, as thoughtlike (wave). Like time, self flows through life containing everything in it and thus never separate from anything it contains.
And so, what’s the point of this little nondual formulation? If I am, as an individual subject, as Jessica Benjamin suggests, “fundamentally like you but unfathomably different and outside your control,” how do I reconcile this inherent tension of difference, caused by the shadow of you, with the nondual proposition of inseparability?
This is typically where readers get thrown off. As the Zen master Dogen says, “To study the Way is to study the self, to study the self is to forget the self, to forget the self is to be enlightened by the ten thousand things.” The irreconcilable relationship between self (or things, time, etc.) and no-self is only an apparent one if we engage in the process of understanding self. This is why I find the therapeutic process so valuable. The very focus on and privileging of self, as it unpacks its very thought process, invariably leads to its (dissolution). Which doesn’t mean the self disappears; it merely means it transforms and expands as a reality and thus includes more perspectives from which to dislodge any tendency to grasp at only one perspective. This slow, unfolding process is quite exquisite as some of you may know. Just turning language over on its head alone opens up what was before a claustrophobic world. And then the self starts opening in ways it never opened before. And opening means fundamentally changing self-perception. And when you change, as the saying goes, the world changes with you.
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